xyz: Lexapro, my intro

[JackieDecides]

7 hours ago, xyz said:

i had a heavy cog fog that day and it was at the end of the day and I was really tired, so i probably didn't give a good impression.

 

that's too bad.

 

I have a job interview on Monday and I really hope I'm in good shape for it. 

[xyz]

On 6/1/2019 at 7:56 PM, JackieDecides said:

 

that's too bad.

 

I have a job interview on Monday and I really hope I'm in good shape for it. 

 

Jackie,

i saw on your thread that you got the job! 

congratulations! one step at a time.

the renting situation will sort itself out once you get into a job routine. it will feel less overwhelming.

[xyz]

update:

4 weeks after my last dose of Lex.

i had some weird days of low motivation and thought "wait a minute, is this depression?"

then, it has been quite good again for the last couple of days.

sleep is really good, 7 to 8 hours at night.

my dreams have come back.

yup, i am still as messed up as i was before the meds, but i am wiser now.

i have a very active mind. 

i watched a interview of an artist and finally understood that there was nothing wrong with me. i could absolutely relate to what he was saying

 

i am trying to get back to exercising and meditation but the lack of motivation is an impediment for sure.

 

still tapering the valium, i will be off in a couple of months.

i can't believe that that day will come when i will be med free.

i have been so obsessed with getting off them and now it feels inevitable...

everything is a journey.

 

[JackieDecides]

2 hours ago, xyz said:

i am trying to get back to exercising and meditation but the lack of motivation is an impediment for sure.

 

yes, I am having this problem. the more important I think it is - meditation, especially - the less I do it. ☹️

[xyz]

pfaw,

i should know this by now. right after i posted that  was doing well, i had a bad night.

i forgot to take my valium and woke up with heart palpitations and racing thoughts.

i had thoughts about things  that i have done wrong and about times when i was angry with my kids and how this will affect them for life.

i had to keep something heavy on my chest and pray.

eventually i went back to sleep to an agitated dream.

i woke up with a heavy feeling of sadness.

this is a feeling that i always had before i was put on meds.

it is incredible to experience the contrast.

no wonder why people keep taking them as long as they are working.

 

i am drinking my coffee, hopefully things will get better as the day progresses.

 

[JackieDecides]

3 hours ago, xyz said:

i am drinking my coffee, hopefully things will get better as the day progresses.

 

I hope you do feel better, sorry it was such a hard night.

 

although it was very difficult, I decaffeinated myself and it was very worth doing. caffeine is such a stimulant, even one cup of "half-caff" in the morning is a big deal to me, and can affect my sleep at night. 

[xyz]

On 6/16/2019 at 9:02 AM, JackieDecides said:

 

although it was very difficult, I decaffeinated myself and it was very worth doing. caffeine is such a stimulant, even one cup of "half-caff" in the morning is a big deal to me, and can affect my sleep at night. 

 

Hi Jackie,

i would like to reduce my coffee intake.

i usually take 2 coffee in the morning before the kids wake up then get them ready and get myself ready, after dropping them off and going to work, i am tired enough to need another coffee.

i take the nespresso shot so they are stronger but they taste so good and my 3 cups have been my companion throughout my taper.

coffee have helped when i was depressed and unmotivated, when i was too tired to work and take are of the kids. it helped with my dizziness and even heart palps. it gives me enough energy to work out daily

[xyz]

update:

been feeling quite good.

had a night of difficult sleep but it resumed the next day. been sleeping 8 to 9 hours for the last 3 days.

the depression is gone.

i got a significant raise at work so i will stick around for a while.

still tapering the valium slowwwly.

another 8 weeks to get off the last 0.22mg.

 

i am on vacation this week!

life is really good. so grateful for everything.

[xyz]

update:

pfaw, i shouldn't write when i feel good anymore.

each time i do this, i get a day of wave...

last night I woke up at 2am with heart palp and nightmare. went back to sleep for an hour.

usual symptoms of withdrawal, fear, hear palp, body buzzing, louder Tinnitus, feeling of doom.

 

this too shall pass.

i usually feel good at around 3pm. just another 9 hours to go.

might try to go for a run now.

[xyz]

Update:

things are still doing okay.

we went on vacation for a week. we spent a couple of days in a water park and drove to a wedding.

i was doing fine, did most of the slides with my kids. sleep was on and off and it resumed after we got back.

my sleep pattern now is 9 to 5 which is really good! dream is back to normal, not too crazy.

 

i am learning to float through emotions that come up.

just taking one day at a time.

i don't have the high and the low that i used to have when i was tapering lexapro.

i am sure they will come back.

still tapering the valium.

[xyz]

update:

more than 2 months from my last dose of lexapro.

it has been harder lately. a lot of body vibration, on and off insomnia. The intrusive thoughts have been my constant companion.

i read an article posted by Alto on "inner critic" and it was right on for me.

that feeling of not being good enough starts to resurface. yeah... i know why people can get hooked on ways to numb these feeling.

 

my PMS was pretty difficult this month, very heavy and exhausting.

my husband is away for 10 days and i am trying to not freak out too much with work and the kids by myself.

i wake up more often with heart palpitation and fear, sometimes i am thinking "well, i wouldn't mind if God takes me now"

then i try to distract myself and get on with my day.

 

the valium taper is a challenge.

i so want to be done with all this.

 

Thanks god, i have my work to keep me distracted from all that mental crap.

[JackieDecides]

2 hours ago, xyz said:

it has been harder lately.

 

I'm so sorry, it sounds horrible.  😟

 

I hope things get better and soon. 

[xyz]

Hi Jackie,\thank you posting in my thread. i have been reading yours from time to time and wanted to post but it seems that you already have great people giving you feedback.

On 7/23/2019 at 9:46 PM, JackieDecides said:

 

I'm so sorry, it sounds horrible.  😟

 

I hope things get better and soon. 

 

Hi Jackie,

thank you for posting in my thread. i have been reading yours from time to time and wanted to post but it seems that you already have great people giving you feedback.

i too am grateful to JackieDecides

[xyz]

Update,

wow what can i say...

the range of feeling that came back is threefold.

i slept 10 hours solid yesterday. I had dream that i could never imagine i would be able to experience again.

deep feeling of childhood that came mixed with new current situations.

i realized  "oh this is really how i really feel about this..."

i woke up this morning trying to think how my day was yesterday, and it seems that i went back to pre-med life:

• woke up a bit lousy at 4.30am
• 3 cup of coffee
• worked from home
• laundry
• breakfast for the kids
• cleaned the house
• went to the gym (full body work out)
• picked up lunch food
• drove back and prepare lunch for the family
• went to the swimming pool with the kids
• prepared dinner
• ate dinner 
• sleep at 7.30pm

i even had ramen noddle full of MSG for dinner. one of my favorite food... (i am asian, this was my comfort food when growing up)

 

i have been reducing the valium every 5 days for the last month, things get easier approaching zero.

i am sure i will get hit with symptoms again, but 10 hours of sleep is pretty good. i slept past 5.30am and this has never happened to me in the last 3 years.

 

now i still deal with depression... (or just low stamina, who know?)

yesterday, i was at the pool and felt really low. and thought "god take me now, why am i still here?"

then the kids were hungry and off the thought...

 

i am grateful for the healing wherever it will take me.

[ChessieCat]

17 minutes ago, xyz said:

i even had ramen noddle full of MSG for dinner.

 

MSG is a flavour enhancer.  It acts on the brain and makes it think that food tastes better/stronger flavoured than it is.

 

I became glutamate intolerate (before I started an antidepressant) from eating Sour Cream and Chive Pringles.  I was hooked on them, which was caused by the MSG.  I got to the stage that I was unable to eat high glutamate foods.  Tomatoes, peas, grapes, mushrooms, hard cheese, spinach, corn, plums/prunes and possibly another few I can't remember right now.

 

Many ready made savoury foods, eg soups, snacks, etc, contain either MSG (621) or another flavour enhancers.

 

This article lists all of the numbers to avoid:  6-reasons-to-avoid-flavour-enhancers

 

I would be avoid flavour enhancers as much as possible, especially MSG.  The other thing to avoid is artificially sweetening.

[xyz]

1 hour ago, ChessieCat said:

 

MSG is a flavour enhancer.  It acts on the brain and makes it think that food tastes better/stronger flavoured than it is.

 

I became glutamate intolerate (before I started an antidepressant) from eating Sour Cream and Chive Pringles.  I was hooked on them, which was caused by the MSG.  I got to the stage that I was unable to eat high glutamate foods.  Tomatoes, peas, grapes, mushrooms, hard cheese, spinach, corn, plums/prunes and possibly another few I can't remember right now.

 

Many ready made savoury foods, eg soups, snacks, etc, contain either MSG (621) or another flavour enhancers.

 

This article lists all of the numbers to avoid:  6-reasons-to-avoid-flavour-enhancers

 

I would be avoid flavour enhancers as much as possible, especially MSG.  The other thing to avoid is artificially sweetening.

 

thanks for the advice Chessie Cat. i don't like to eat fake stuff.

it is hard to avoid MSG in asian food though.

i am vietnamese and grew up with MSG. never had a problem before benzo widthdrawal.

my mom used to put a quarter of a teaspon of MSG in all the meal she cooked

my dad is 86 and really strong and he eats his ramen noodle twice a week.

it might act differently on asian brain, i have read...

anyhoo, not something i will indulge everyday for sure

 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2005/jul/10/foodanddrink.features3

 

[xyz]

Update:

All right, it has been hard lately. Sleep has been disappearing slowly.

Trying to stay busy in the middle of the night, at 1am and not lay in bed with heart palp.

I am already tired at the idea that I will have a full day today.

I will probably hit the gym to get rid of that old friend, cortisol surge.

 

Will hold for a week before making my final cut to 0.04mg and jump afterwards.

My hubby bought me some flowers last night while I was asleep and left a note of encouragement in the kitchen table.

Yes, 3 years of taper that will end in 12 days. If I knew that it would take this long,  I think I would have given up a while ago.

 

I have to remember that this is not a race. Working on my patience...

 

Still grateful for the journey though.

I thought of starting a gratitude post like jackie 

Here is for now

I am grateful that I don't want to end my life anymore 

I am grateful that I can sleep more than 3 hours at night

I am grateful for my family and husband

I am grateful that my siblings care about me

I am grateful for my job and for my competent and low back coworkers

I am grateful that my family is not separated by ICE. Damn we lived in the most absurd and depressing time.

I and grateful that I still live in a free country and as a wOman have equal right and opportunities. 

I am grateful for my children's fierce and funny spirit.

[JackieDecides]

6 hours ago, xyz said:

Yes, 3 years of taper that will end in 12 days. If I knew that it would take this long,  I think I would have given up a while ago.

 

I have found that over and over - things are much harder than I expected and if I'd known they were going to be, I wouldn't have had the courage to start. so I guess I need to be grateful I didn't know.

 

6 hours ago, xyz said:

Will hold for a week before making my final cut to 0.04mg and jump afterwards.

 

have you considered holding longer since it's been so bad? the not sleeping thing - its hard. I'm glad you are able to be grateful for "more than 3 hours" but still. 

 

it's your call of course, but slower is an option although I'm sure you want to be done

 

6 hours ago, xyz said:

I am grateful that my family is not separated by ICE. Damn we lived in the most absurd and depressing time.

 

amen, Sister. 😡

 

I'm sorry things are hard now. 🤗  cyber hugs!

 

[xyz]

Thanks Jackie for the supporting words.

i had a better night of sleep last night - 10 hours!

i try not to be too happy today, don't want people to think that i am bi polar

 

yesterday, after 4 hours,  i felt ugly, old, incompetent, a failure as a mom...

today, after 10 hours, i feel okay...

 

....so far

[JackieDecides]

2 hours ago, xyz said:

i had a better night of sleep last night - 10 hours!

 

wow!

I'm glad for you. 🙂

[xyz]

after a couple of nights of 10 hours of sleep. i made my last cut to 0.04mg of valium last night. it usually takes 3 days to catch up.

i will stay on this for a week and then end my taper.

0.04mg is literally one drop of liquid.

 

wow, i can't believe this. almost there!

[JackieDecides]

4 hours ago, xyz said:

after a couple of nights of 10 hours of sleep. i made my last cut to 0.04mg of valium last night. it usually takes 3 days to catch up.

i will stay on this for a week and then end my taper.

0.04mg is literally one drop of liquid.

 

wow, i can't believe this. almost there!

 

that is SO excellent!! 

[xyz]

On 8/13/2019 at 9:00 AM, JackieDecides said:

 

that is SO excellent!! 

 

yes indeed! finally there!

it just took 3 years of taper that is all!

 

i have my periods and i still feel really good. ( a couple of years ago PMS meant withdrawal symptoms x 3)

i had 3 good nights of 8 hours of sleep despite 3 cups of coffees.

 

i will take my last dose of valium tonight and call it done.

my husband said the other day "doh! you will cold turkey 0.04mg of valium?" 

 

yeah baby humor is back.

 

[brassmonkey]

Congratulations on becoming drug free.  It's been a very eventful three years, but you made it.  There will still be some ups and downs as your body puts the finishing touches on healing, but things should get better and better from here.

[Frogie]

On 8/18/2019 at 3:27 AM, xyz said:

 

yes indeed! finally there!

it just took 3 years of taper that is all!

 

i have my periods and i still feel really good. ( a couple of years ago PMS meant withdrawal symptoms x 3)

i had 3 good nights of 8 hours of sleep despite 3 cups of coffees.

 

i will take my last dose of valium tonight and call it done.

my husband said the other day "doh! you will cold turkey 0.04mg of valium?" 

 

yeah baby humor is back.

 

Congratulations 🎉

 

I hope you are doing well.

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

[JackieDecides]

congratulations!!

but don't be surprised by hard times because I have had them since being off a year ago last May. but I think my life was so unstable (keep moving, keep changing jobs, little to no in person support) that is a big reason for my struggling.

 

still - you deserve to feel proud of what you have done, that's for sure. 

[xyz]

 

thank you Brassmonkey, Frogie and jackie.

it was really hard!...

but i hope that the worst is behind me. by this, i mean, 0 sleep for a week, akathisia, wanting to end my life and that kind of non sense. and this was going on for months on end until i stabilized.

pfaw, the suffering was ridiculous...

seriously, i think i came out of this way stronger. it was like a bootcamp of mindfracking.

my life lesson from this nightmare:  "give it time baby"

 

anyhoo, i need to taper the caffeine and melatonin at some point but for now, i will enjoy life for while.😁

 

 

 

[PH1]

Congratulations XYZ!    Thanks for sharing your journey off the meds.

i really appreciated your post filled with gratitude.   We all have so much for which to be thankful!

[xyz]

17 hours ago, PH1 said:

Congratulations XYZ!    Thanks for sharing your journey off the meds.

i really appreciated your post filled with gratitude.   We all have so much for which to be thankful!

 

thank you for swinging by PH1.

 

[xyz]

update:

7 days off my last drop of valium and more than 3 months off lexapro.

 

i took my last dose on sunday night 8 days ago. it was rough Thursday and Friday (exactly as i had predicted).

i would say that the difficulty was more psychological, i felt weird not to have any meds to take at night. it is like my body is waking from a 3 years agitated dream.

nevertheless i felt asleep as usual, at 8pm. i had heart palpitation, dizziness, cog fog for those couple of days, but then slept a lot better on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

maybe in 3 weeks, i will start to taper the melatonin. i read somewhere that it prevents the formation of new memory.

 

valium half life metabolite is 100 hours.

valium is still detectable in the hair follicle after 90 days
 

i had body cramp yesterday but then I realized that i went to the gym and lifted weight 3 days in the row.

Tinnitus is more present than usual. i hope it will abate.

sadness is more present. i might just turn back to my old me.

 

feeling tired but i guess this is normal, after the emotional ups and down of a 3 years taper.

i also have to remember that:

• i am 45
• i have 2 young kids (8 and 4)
• i work full time, and work on week-ends from home as well
• i work out every other day

maybe this is just midlife crisis.

i noticed that i don't have a chill out time like i had during my taper. i used to feel great after 3pm, now i just feel okayish overall.

[JackieDecides]

3 hours ago, xyz said:

sadness is more present. i might just turn back to my old me.

 

no, you won't. you are turning into a new you that will sometimes have sadness. different thing entirely! 

 

feeling OKish at this point sounds good - and I am impressed you can do so much work when you have two small children! 

[xyz]

On 8/26/2019 at 9:22 AM, JackieDecides said:

and I am impressed you can do so much work when you have two small children! 

 

i am very fortunate that i love my work.

it feels easy (for most of the time), and is very creative. 

i can work from home on week-ends for extra cash which gives me a break from the more mundane stuff.

when we are really busy, and have multiple deadlines at the same time, it can get more stressful.

but my mind is always thinking about creating beautiful space, which is exciting.

it put me in the "flow" and got me through the worst time in my withdrawal.

[xyz]

update:

2 weeks after my last dose of Valium, 3.5 months after my last dose of Lexapro.

 

i had a few not so great day. i even don't remember now what was so bad about them.

maybe an overall sense of doom and gloom, and no restorative sleep.

school has started again and it has been difficult to juggle work and kids for a bit this week.

i have felt more irritable than usual.

 

this morning is way much better. sleep was really good. 7.5 hours of deep sleep and 1.5 hours of laying in bed and enjoying a slow awakening. no cortisol surge. no nightmare.

ow, thank you God for this, i feel so grateful for today.

 

it is a 3 days week-end in the US, the weather is predicted to feel good.

i am looking forwards to spend time with the kids.

 

thank you God for today.

may every being experience this sense of peace and contentment like i do now.

 

[JackieDecides]

19 minutes ago, xyz said:

maybe an overall sense of doom and gloom, and no restorative sleep.

school has started again and it has been difficult to juggle work and kids for a bit this week.

i have felt more irritable than usual.

 

19 minutes ago, xyz said:

this morning is way much better. sleep was really good. 7.5 hours of deep sleep and 1.5 hours of laying in bed and enjoying a slow awakening. no cortisol surge. no nightmare.

 

 

it's always up and down, isn't it? and yet you are so strong and are able to do so much: it's impressive. I can see why people think that about me as I see it in you so easily.

 

life is hard and sometimes gets harder but at the same time we get stronger and more resilient. ❤️

[xyz]

14 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

 

 

 

it's always up and down, isn't it? and yet you are so strong and are able to do so much: it's impressive. I can see why people think that about me as I see it in you so easily.

 

life is hard and sometimes gets harder but at the same time we get stronger and more resilient. ❤️

 yes, it is all transient. 

happiness is in the moment, someone said. so why depression shouldn't be in the moment as well? lol

 

below is a link to an awesome talk.

just wanted to share it

 

 

 

[xyz]

update:

3 weeks after my last dose of valium and almost 4 months after my last dose of lexapro.

no depression, the dreams are back full throttles. sleep is broken, but no cortisol surge for the last few days

i have been very busy at work, too busy.

i have felt wired the last few nights.

 

at day 18, i was laying in bed and had a brain shiver that went on and on for 5 minutes and a surge of sweat that left me drenched.

i had a moment when i thought that i was back to square one but that never escalated. pfew...

 

there is a feeling that i have been dealing with for my entire taper and now that my taper is done, i have more time to look into it. it is GUILT.

i never wrote about it because i didn't want to dwell on it. i am a firm believer of distraction

guilt is more prominent when i am symptomatic. so much that i wonder if it naturally occurs in people who have a compromised nervous system.

i would feel guilty for anything. things that happens 20 years ago, for being annoyed at people now, for saying the wrong things at the wrong time... and i would feel a knot in my gut...

the other day i took my young son to a lazer tag game and he wanted to leave since he was scared. i felt guilty for causing him a life long trauma until he told me that he liked it...

i have read that it is a common benzo withdrawal.

 

I am so tired of this withdrawal BS

 

 

Edited September 10, 2019 by ChessieCat
removed obscenity