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xyz: Lexapro, my intro

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Frogie
20 minutes ago, xyz said:

HI Frogie,

i got some sleep last night, not sure how much, i was in and out.

i hope Shep is right that it will only take a few weeks to recover. (is she always right? sorry just so much doubt in my head)

i went on Benzobuddies and there is so much suffering. some people suffer for years which is very scary.

i am trying to stay busy and take care of my kids. i stopped working.

i still feel very fragile and raw, it wouldn't take much to bring up a panic attack.

one of the thought i have which scares me is that i am permanently damaged and will need to go back on them for the rest of my life and suffer this state for the rest of my life.

i am sorry if i don;t sound strong right now, i am just really scared

 

i am also worried that once the valium leave my system, the akatisia and panic attack will come back.

i have been praying a lot.

I wouldn’t say everyone is always right. But Shep knows what she’s talking about and is very good in this department. I trust what she tells me.

 

I went on Benzobuddies once just to see what people said. It was a very scary site for me. There was too much suffering on there. But I think they have a different approach to this. I know a couple people that really are suffering that took their advice. I tried to get them to join this site but they wouldn’t. I’m sure they are good though, I’m not knocking them at all. It just wasn’t for me after only reading a little bit once.

 

I don’t believe you are going to suffer the rest of your life. And I’m not an expert, but I don’t think you damaged yourself and will have to be on it the rest of your life. You’ve been off almost a year. You had a little setback. I think right now a lot of people are having problems with the world upside down. I know you’re scared. I’m scared too with my taper. But you’re going to be ok. Just take one day at a time and care for yourself. 
 

You are very strong. I really think you will come out of this and be ok just like, once again, Shep has said.
 

I pray a lot. I think it helps me. If it helps, then pray.

 

Hug your kids and go for a walk with them or play a game outside. Get some fresh air. That seems to help me more than anything. But stay strong.

 

 I hope I gave you a smile. Everyone needs one especially now😊

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx
 

 

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xyz

Frogie,

thank you so much for your kind words, they are gold to me right now.

i read on benzobuddies that someone took a rescue dose and brought him back to 1.5 years of withdrawal.

i almost fainted when i read it.

 

we just taught our 5 years old how to ride a bike without his training wheels. 

i still feel very shaky and have butterflies in my stomach, but forced myself to go for a bike ride with my kids.

44 minutes ago, Frogie said:

I wouldn’t say everyone is always right. But Shep knows what she’s talking about and is very good in this department. I trust what she tells me.

 

I went on Benzobuddies once just to see what people said. It was a very scary site for me. There was too much suffering on there. But I think they have a different approach to this. I know a couple people that really are suffering that took their advice. I tried to get them to join this site but they wouldn’t. I’m sure they are good though, I’m not knocking them at all. It just wasn’t for me after only reading a little bit once.

 

I don’t believe you are going to suffer the rest of your life. And I’m not an expert, but I don’t think you damaged yourself and will have to be on it the rest of your life. You’ve been off almost a year. You had a little setback. I think right now a lot of people are having problems with the world upside down. I know you’re scared. I’m scared too with my taper. But you’re going to be ok. Just take one day at a time and care for yourself. 
 

You are very strong. I really think you will come out of this and be ok just like, once again, Shep has said.
 

I pray a lot. I think it helps me. If it helps, then pray.

 

Hug your kids and go for a walk with them or play a game outside. Get some fresh air. That seems to help me more than anything. But stay strong.

 

 I hope I gave you a smile. Everyone needs one especially now😊

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx
 

 

xoxoxo

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Frogie
16 minutes ago, xyz said:

thank you so much for your kind words, they are gold to me right now.

i read on benzobuddies that someone took a rescue dose and brought him back to 1.5 years of withdrawal.

i almost fainted when i read it.

You are very welcome. I probably would have fainted after reading that. But I truly believe you will be ok. You are already starting to come out of it. You didn’t take it for an extended amount of time or huge doses. 
 

17 minutes ago, xyz said:

we just taught our 5 years old how to ride a bike without his training wheels. 

How fun! Take lots of pictures they are little for such a short time. I have a granddaughter that will be 13 in August, I’m old!

 

18 minutes ago, xyz said:

i still feel very shaky and have butterflies in my stomach, but forced myself to go for a bike ride with my kids.

I’m not an expert, and I don’t have the experience and knowledge that Shep does, but maybe you’re having just a little anxiety with everything going on? I know I feel like that sometimes.

 

You are going to be ok. I really believe that. Treasure those babies 😊and take a deep breath. It will be ok.

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

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xyz
On 4/27/2020 at 8:20 AM, Shep said:

 

"He" is a "she," LOL, but thank you for the compliment. 

 

And thank you for continuing to cheer Xyz on. Yes, this is temporary. 

 

 

Hi Shep, Frogie and Jackie

 

update:

i slept 5.5 hours last night and actually even dreamed. then i was able to lay in bed until 4.30. i didn't feel that i had to pace the bedroom but at a certain point i had to focus on belly breathing to calm down my panic and remember to not add second fear to the heart palpitations

today the anxiety feels manageable, it gets higher when i focus on the medications.

i am still worried about the medications that i took and how it will affect my healing. when people said that they were off their med for a year, they didn't have any rescue dose.

it has been 12 days since my 18mg rescue dose of valium.

my husband told me to not focus on it, and focus on spending time with the kids. blesses his heart.

 

yesterday, i read many of the success stories on here and God blesses everyone who comes back and give us some hope.

 

before this ordeal, i thought that i was about 95% healed, i could drink 3 cup of coffee a day, drink tea throughout the day, work-out, sleep 8 hours day with 3mg of melatonine, i had just to count to 5 to fall a sleep, i was ready to write a success story.

now, i am very doubtful of my recovery.

 

i read Baylissa 's book on kindle in one go, and went to that website to learn how to cope with panic

https://www.anxietycoach.com/panicdisorder.html

his main advice is to float and to do belly breathing

 

 

I know they are all good techniques but a doubt in my mind says "it only works for people who have normal panic attacks, not for people who are withdrawing for meds"

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Shep
21 hours ago, xyz said:

I know they are all good techniques but a doubt in my mind says "it only works for people who have normal panic attacks, not for people who are withdrawing for meds"

 

A panic attack is a panic attack. The non-drug coping skills won't ask you "why" you're having a panic attack and then only work if it's a "normal" panic attack. The best outcomes arrive when you let go of the panic thoughts and just ride it out, allowing your body to feel what it feels without focusing on your thoughts. 

 

If you micro-manage a panic attack and engage in the negative and distorted thoughts, you risk spiraling. Please see:

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

You may also want to check out the science behind the concept of "befriending stress." Here's an example:

 

How to make stress your friend | Kelly McGonigal video (14.5 minutes)

 

I fear you're heading into a path of learned helplessness, xyz. Please try to re-direct before these patterns of thoughts turn into habit and you re-train your brain with these types of destructive patterns. 

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xyz
55 minutes ago, Shep said:

 

A panic attack is a panic attack. The non-drug coping skills won't ask you "why" you're having a panic attack and then only work if it's a "normal" panic attack. The best outcomes arrive when you let go of the panic thoughts and just ride it out, allowing your body to feel what it feels without focusing on your thoughts. 

 

If you micro-manage a panic attack and engage in the negative and distorted thoughts, you risk spiraling. Please see:

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

You may also want to check out the science behind the concept of "befriending stress." Here's an example:

 

How to make stress your friend | Kelly McGonigal video (14.5 minutes)

 

I fear you're heading into a path of learned helplessness, xyz. Please try to re-direct before these patterns of thoughts turn into habit and you re-train your brain with these types of destructive patterns. 

 

shep,

thank you for the links.

very interesting. i kept calling everyone on my family to tell them that i loved them and I have been very cuddly with my husband.

i even promised him that we will have more sex if i recovered.

 

do you think i should let go of the thoughts that i may have a setback due to withdrawal and do you think that what i experienced was simply a panic attack?

 

i am so very grateful for your support

 

update:

i went to bed last night at 6.30. was able to fall asleep with minutes, woke up at 11.30pm and laid in bed to rest, and fell back asleep. total hours of sleep:8

if it wasn't for the heart palpitations, and mild inner vibration that i am still experiencing, i would wonder if that awful week of panic attack really happened.

my son will start day care in a week so that will help with the reducing the stress

the weather is getting nicer. i am looking forward to more time outside

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Shep
30 minutes ago, xyz said:

shep,

thank you for the links.

very interesting. i kept calling everyone on my family to tell them that i loved them and I have been very cuddly with my husband.

i even promised him that we will have more sex if i recovered.

 

do you think i should let go of the thoughts that i may have a setback due to withdrawal and do you think that what i experienced was simply a panic attack?

 

Do you think your emotions are coming back? Most of us are numbed down during withdrawal, so when the ability to feel deeply returns, it can make us more vulnerable. 

 

If so, that could leave you more open to intense emotions, such as panic attacks. But if this is the case, it's actually a sign of healing. But it's a jagged ride because the emotions may be a bit all over the place for awhile until you're able to stabilize and finish up the healing process.

 

But yes, let go of those thoughts of setbacks and focus on the present moment of being with your husband and your children. 

 

Life is full of setbacks, but that shouldn't be our sole focus for being. 

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xyz
34 minutes ago, Shep said:

 

Do you think your emotions are coming back? Most of us are numbed down during withdrawal, so when the ability to feel deeply returns, it can make us more vulnerable. 

 

If so, that could leave you more open to intense emotions, such as panic attacks. But if this is the case, it's actually a sign of healing. But it's a jagged ride because the emotions may be a bit all over the place for awhile until you're able to stabilize and finish up the healing process.

 

But yes, let go of those thoughts of setbacks and focus on the present moment of being with your husband and your children. 

 

Life is full of setbacks, but that shouldn't be our sole focus for being. 

 

Thank you so much Shep

 

yes, i think my emotions are coming back

during my taper, i only had anger and that helped me fight through

my husband said that i was more detached when i was on lexapro

 

now, i feel more vulnerable, and fragile

i cried yesterday out of the blue and i am usually a practical person

the interesting part was that i had a big window the night before all this happened when i felt 100% and told myself : "thank you God, i think i am healed"

 

what helped me during my taper was that i knew when my symptoms would hit and as i was getting closer to zero, my morning were less awful and my afternoon were normal. the predictability of it helped me coped.

but i am glad to report that as days pass by, i am feeling a reduction of the anxiety, and sleep has returned slowly. the evenings are okay.

 

did you have anxiety and waves like this during your healing?

 

do you feel healed now?

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JackieDecides
14 hours ago, xyz said:

total hours of sleep:8

 

😊

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xyz

update:

yesterday kept busy the whole day with bike riding with the kids

went to target to get them some toys

cooked dinner, went for several walks with my husbands, the kids and the dogs

weather was a bit cold

anxiety is at 3/10

constant heart palpitation and tiggling

took my usual 3mg of melatonin at 5.30pm

laid down at 7pm and worked on my belly breathing

slept from 8 to 3am=7 hours of deep sleep with nice dream

laid in bed until 5.30am

when i laid down, and I focused on my breathing and told myself affirmation, i could calm myself down

"i am safe, i am healing, i will recover"

 

 

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Frogie
6 hours ago, xyz said:

update:

yesterday kept busy the whole day with bike riding with the kids

went to target to get them some toys

cooked dinner, went for several walks with my husbands, the kids and the dogs

weather was a bit cold

anxiety is at 3/10

constant heart palpitation and tiggling

took my usual 3mg of melatonin at 5.30pm

laid down at 7pm and worked on my belly breathing

slept from 8 to 3am=7 hours of deep sleep with nice dream

laid in bed until 5.30am

when i laid down, and I focused on my breathing and told myself affirmation, i could calm myself down

"i am safe, i am healing, i will recover"

 

 

It sounds like you are doing better.

 I’m really glad for you. Looks like you are sleeping better also.

Just wanted to say Happy Mother’s Day to you. Hope you can have a wonderful day with your kids and husband 😊

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

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xyz
47 minutes ago, Frogie said:

It sounds like you are doing better.

 I’m really glad for you. Looks like you are sleeping better also.

Just wanted to say Happy Mother’s Day to you. Hope you can have a wonderful day with your kids and husband 😊

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

 

Frogie,

happy mother day to you too!

 

you are one of the most thoughtful and kind people on here/

i am humbled by people's kindness on this forum.

 

yes, i am doing better, heart palp. are still here but i am trying to ignore them.

i ran errands today and sat in my car to listen to some music, it helped a lot to distract.

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Frogie
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, xyz said:

 

Frogie,

happy mother day to you too!

 

you are one of the most thoughtful and kind people on here/

i am humbled by people's kindness on this forum.

 

yes, i am doing better, heart palp. are still here but i am trying to ignore them.

i ran errands today and sat in my car to listen to some music, it helped a lot to distract.

You helped me with my Lexapro taper when I was having hard times. I just wanted to make sure you were doing better. People are very kind on here. We are lucky to have found a kind forum.

 

 I’m glad you are able to distract and listen to music. That helps a lot.

 

I’m so glad you are having a good Mother’s Day!

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

 

 

Edited by Frogie

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xyz

update:

yesterday anxiety was 2/10

went to the stores to buy food and small toys for the kids

driving and sitting in the car while listening to music helped

spent some time reading Mad in America and got really scared.

got finally hungry, i wasn't for 3 weeks and lost 12lbs

 

took a warm bath and went to sleep from 8pm to 3am then back from 5 to 6am- total hours: 8 hours of sleep

 

 

got on Jennifer Leigh support group (i signed up for a month out of despair) and heard her talk about watering the positive plants.

not hold onto guilt, anger and fear "why me? being angry a doctors, etc" but focus on recovery, on what we would like to do when we will heal.

she thinks that it is an opportunity for spiritual growth and for recognizing what matters in life.

it only make sense to me now once i am out of akatisia :)

 

 

i also joined a Facebook group the anxioustruth and someone posted this

# allow the sensations and go on with your day
# EVERYTHING is temporary and shall pass
# SELF CARE
# Let time PASS
 

this morning feeling of anxiety. but not as bad.

i was worried about my son starting daycare again while i am still not working and making money but then i realized that i was tired of being scared. 

 

today, i make the commitment to:

  • take care of myself physically and mentally
  • to let go of control
  • to let go of fear
  • to let go of worry
  • i will place my peace of mind beyond everything else in my life.

 

i am so grateful to feel better today

i am so grateful to Shep and to friends who encouraged me on my thread

 

 

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Frogie

xyz:

 

I’m so glad you are doing much better.

 

I hope you continue to heal.

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

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xyz
On 5/9/2020 at 8:04 AM, Shep said:

 

Life is full of setbacks, but that shouldn't be our sole focus for being. 

 

Yesterday was 0/10 anxiety

Today is 5/10 anxiety 

My hands are checking and adreline surge are back.

I am trying to distract with housework, grocery shopping and garden work. 

It is though. 

I just took my melatonin,  hopefully it will calm me a bit.

I am trying not to think about the rhyme and reason of the waves and predict that I will feel this bad for the rest of my life. I want to believe that with time I will heal.

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xyz

Update 

That night, I had adreline surge all night.

Did mindfulness breathing. And kept telling myself "I accept" the symptoms each time they arose. Sweated terribly. Fell a sleep few hours before dawn. Had a dream of my deceased mother who was leading me the way.

 

Forced myself to stay in bed 12 hours to rest instead of pacing the house.

Had 2 large bowls of home made vegetable soup for breakfast

Went grocery shopping,  cooked lunch, went for a bike ride with the kids

Zoomed with my psychiatrist for a followup and told her that I was doing well. Didn't want to talk about going back on the meds

All day with no anxiety.

 

Last night 6.5 hours of sleep.

 

19 days post rescue dose.

 

I think the deepest realization that I had through this experience is the meaning of acceptance.

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xyz

update:

19 days post rescue dose: feeling okay

20 days post rescue dose: anxiety 5/10, adrenaline surge, heart palpitation

21 days post rescue dose: feeling okay

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Frogie
On 5/17/2020 at 12:22 PM, xyz said:

update:

19 days post rescue dose: feeling okay

20 days post rescue dose: anxiety 5/10, adrenaline surge, heart palpitation

21 days post rescue dose: feeling okay

I’m so glad you are coming out of this and starting to feel better.

 

It just takes time, as Shep said.

 

You enjoy your day and hopefully the sun will shine for you 😊

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

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xyz

thank you frogie for posting in my thread, how are you doing?

 

 

update:

22 days post rescue dose: wave. 5/10 anxiety, broken sleep, inner vibration, cold, like i just made cut

23 days post rescue dose: felling okay, better sleep

24 days post rescue dose: 1/10 anxiety, some inner vibration, better sleep

 

sexual desire has returned, i had intense dreams

 

i have been reading over 100 success stories on BB of people healing at 2+ years :(

it might take me this long.

 

 

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Frogie

I’m doing well, thank you for asking.

 

I’m very happy you are doing better from your post.

 

Looks like things are looking up for you 😊awesome news!

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

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xyz

update:

25 days post rescue dose:

3/10 anxiety, tried to stay busy, worked in the yard, went to the store, cleaned the house, did laundry.

heart palpitations, head pressure, blurry vision, sinus pressure, dizzy, Tinnitus is louder with some additional dentist drill sounds, inner vibration.

adrenaline surge all night, night sweat like i ran a marathon.

 

i am definitely widthrawing for the 18mg rescue dose of valium.

gosh i hope this will pass and it won't be like that for another year

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Shep
1 hour ago, xyz said:

25 days post rescue dose:

 

You've got about 13% of the drug in your system, depending on how fast you metabolize it. This is around 2.3 mg from the original 18 mg. So a very low dose at this point. 

 

1 hour ago, xyz said:

i am definitely widthrawing for the 18mg rescue dose of valium.

gosh i hope this will pass and it won't be like that for another year

 

You are withdrawing from the rescue dose, but you already are seeing remarkable improvements. Please keep in mind the "overall" improvements, as opposed to the ripples of waves. Overall you are MUCH better than you were 25 days ago. 

 

And that should give you a lot of hope. 

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xyz
3 hours ago, Shep said:

 

You've got about 13% of the drug in your system, depending on how fast you metabolize it. This is around 2.3 mg from the original 18 mg. So a very low dose at this point. 

 

 

You are withdrawing from the rescue dose, but you already are seeing remarkable improvements. Please keep in mind the "overall" improvements, as opposed to the ripples of waves. Overall you are MUCH better than you were 25 days ago. 

 

And that should give you a lot of hope. 

 

Shep,

would it be possible that my receptors have already adapted to the rescue dose of valium since it has such a long half life? and now, they have to reverse again?

 

i having a window this morning, the best so far.

got a bit of creative work to do to keep my mind busy.

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ChessieCat
7 hours ago, xyz said:

having a window this morning, the best so far.

 

That's great news.

 

7 hours ago, xyz said:

got a bit of creative work to do to keep my mind busy.

 

That's good. 

 

Focus on the positives.

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xyz
On 5/22/2020 at 8:02 AM, Shep said:

 

You've got about 13% of the drug in your system, depending on how fast you metabolize it. This is around 2.3 mg from the original 18 mg. So a very low dose at this point. 

 

 

You are withdrawing from the rescue dose, but you already are seeing remarkable improvements. Please keep in mind the "overall" improvements, as opposed to the ripples of waves. Overall you are MUCH better than you were 25 days ago. 

 

And that should give you a lot of hope. 

Shep,

 

Could it be that due to the long half life of valium, my receptors have already adapted and now they have to reversed back?

 

Also isn't 2.3mg high compared to the my latest jump dose?

 

Have you had member gone through something similar and do you know how long it took them to recover?

 

Update:

26 days post rescue dose- almost felt normal . Slept 3 hours. Adrenaline surge all night 

27 days post rescue dose- inner vibration,  tired, slept 5 hours, adrenaline surge from 2am to 6 am.

 

It seems that I have 1 good day every other day. Is this a good sign of recovery?

 

I appreciate your input shep.

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Shep
6 hours ago, xyz said:

Shep,

 

Could it be that due to the long half life of valium, my receptors have already adapted and now they have to reversed back?

 

Not exactly. You weren't on Valium at 18 mg for long enough to adapt to that dose. This is what differs from a rescue dose situation and a reinstatement situation. 

 

You are dealing with a rescue dose situation. Your receptors are dealing with Valium exposure again, but it's going through a self-tapering process due to Valium's extremely long half-life. So it's not adapting to a set dose, but dealing with the slow removal of the drug over several weeks time, possibly close to two months time before it's completely out of your system. 

 

6 hours ago, xyz said:

Also isn't 2.3mg high compared to the my latest jump dose?

 

Yes, but the circumstances are different.   When you jumped off Valium at .04 mg, it was after your nervous system had been exposed to higher doses for a much longer timeframe. 

 

This is where it gets tricky with Valium used as a rescue dose. Without knowing exactly how fast you're metabolizing it, it' really impossible to know how much you have in your system. Actually, there are a number of variables. 

 

If you became dependent on Valium at, say, the 2 week mark, that 18 mg would have been about 30%, or about 5.4 mg. By 4 weeks, it would have been 13% or 2.34 mg. So it depends on not only how fast you're metabolizing it, but also how quickly your individual system becomes dependent on the drug AND how neuroplastic your system is. There are a number of variables that simply aren't known. Please note these percentages are only estimates based on half-life calculators. YMMV (your mileage may vary). 

 

6 hours ago, xyz said:

Have you had member gone through something similar and do you know how long it took them to recover?

 

I've known people who've reinstated too far out and usually it didn't go well. But rescue doses tend to resolve much better. 

 

I think you're going to be fine if you don't go into emotional spirals and simply let your nervous system heal. You'd be surprised how much better we do when we get out of the way and let ourselves heal without engaging with our benzo-thoughts. They are always telling us lies about not healing. 

 

6 hours ago, xyz said:

It seems that I have 1 good day every other day. Is this a good sign of recovery?

 

That's typical benzo withdrawal - the every-other-day phenomenon is extremely common in benzo withdrawal. Many people report a good night / bad night set up with insomnia symptoms. 

 

You're doing good, xyz. Please stop doubting yourself.  You can't go back and fix having taken rescue doses. But it's not a life sentence. Just a temporary setback. The best advice I can give you is to stop micro-managing this and give yourself permission to just be. You're healing. That's all that matters.

 

 

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xyz

I love you Shep. You are so kind and pragmatic. 

I wanted to get an urine test at the store but they are expensive.  You are right,  I shouldn't micro manage this.

 

28 days post rescue dose, I am having a really good day. It is hard to believe that few hours ago I was deep in despair with the adrenaline surge. I still feel the heart palps and adrenaline ready to resurface but I am trying to distract. Went for a long bike ride with the kids, just got back from the store with some food for a barbecue. Anxiety is picking up again, but I am trying to distract until 5pm when I take my melatonin.

 

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xyz

days 29 to 32 post rescue dose:

wave, adrenaline surge all days and nights.

the window disappeared

it feels back to acute CT from a high dose of benzo.

last night, I thought that i was going to have a heart attack, 2 hours of sleep.

i try not to predict how long this is going to last despite reading that for some it lasted 10 months :(

i just hope that it will slowly get better with time.

 

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Shep
1 hour ago, xyz said:

i try not to predict how long this is going to last despite reading that for some it lasted 10 months :(

 

Just a tip, xyz. When you get into this thought-stream, it's time to change the channel:

 

"Change the channel" - dealing with cognitive symptoms

 

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xyz
8 minutes ago, Shep said:

 

Just a tip, xyz. When you get into this thought-stream, it's time to change the channel:

 

"Change the channel" - dealing with cognitive symptoms

 

 

Shep,

thank you for this.

i don't want people to think that i am here just complaining and not taking action

despite how awful i felt yesterday, i drove 120 miles for a meeting with 10 people where i presented some work, while experiencing adrenaline surge.

came back home, had a zoom meeting with my boss, cooked dinner for the kids while trying to act normal, then went to bed to be greeted by panic attacks all night and had 2 hours of sleep that is mostly composed of nightmare.

this withdrawal business is crazy, it like living in parallel universes.

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