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Shanti

Surviving Child Abuse

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Shanti

I'm not sure where this is supposed to be posted. I wanted to talk about child abuse and how many of us are survivors. I was spanked with a belt MANY times as a child, and also suffered emotional abuse. Many of us don't realize how our spankings were so damaging to our psychology and can affect us as adults. Mostly it is due to the fact that we didn't see it as abuse, but as the normal way parents disciplined us. I'm getting into self-help about this and just wanted to share a website I found that is helpful. I want to get all my issues resolved and heal my psychology without having to use drugs.

 

Child Abuse Effects

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Shanti

Another thing I recently brought up was my phone phobia. Every time the phone rings I have a panic attack and can't answer it. I have lost friends because of this. I never really thought about why I do this until recently. Now I realize that it developed from years of harassing phone calls from debt collectors. That was a form of mental abuse in my opinion.

 

Emotional and Psychological Trauma Information

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Shanti

Maybe this shouldn't be called Child Abuse. Because I look back and see 40 years of abuse, from my dad to my ex-husband, consequences of losing my business, debt collectors, losing my house, all led to a final melt down and then psychotic depression that led to my getting on drugs. What do we do with this stuff? Is there a kind of therapy for this? Does just talking about it help?

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Barbarannamated

I believe it's the most insidious form because it isn't the obvious kind that leaves visible scars. I might even compare it to ADs stealth damage that isn't acknowledged and shows up years later when there is distance.

'White collar abuse'

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Shanti

I believe it's the most insidious form because it isn't the obvious kind that leaves visible scars. I might even compare it to ADs stealth damage that isn't acknowledged and shows up years later when there is distance.

'White collar abuse'

 

I agree Barb. I didn't even recognize in myself that I'd been abused. I was in a drug rehab when I was about 18. We were having a group therapy session and we had to go around the circle, and say something about our dads. I was extremely anxious about this. When it got to me, I had such a lump in my throat that I couldn't talk. I refused to speak, then I got up and ran into my counselors office and started crying. He asked me what's wrong and I said that I didn't know. I just didn't know why I was so hurt about my dad.

 

I think this is coming up for me now because I just watched that video with the judge beating his daughter with the belt. It totally brought back memories, especially seeing how he kept hitting her arm because she was trying to cover her bottom. I remember getting it in the arm a lot for that reason. I'll post the video, but warning, it's horrible.

 

It's true Barb, abuse knows no class. It might even be harder for white class to come out with the problem, such as what's happening with the judge.

 

http-~~-//www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxcmbM1qtN0

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essamalbalaa

i feel so sorry for this judge

life must be very difficult to live,having to carry all this anger,ignorance and confusion

i really wonder if he would do the same to his grandchildren

i wonder if hes forgiven his dad for what he did to him in his childhood or he thinks that the abuse he received was a reason for his successful career

this topic is REALLY tough...and VERY difficult to stay objective while discussing it.....we ALL have baggage to keep us subjective and out anchors are sooooo heavy to be lifted easily

IMHO....metta..karuna and forgiveness are the magic golden bullets

may we ALL be blessed with them

essam

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Shanti

Well said, Essam.

 

Posted Image

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Phil

I have heard many reports that EMDR is excellent for painful memories. Although it is used for PSTD, it can also be used to integrate painful childhood memories and overcome them.

I know someone who has gone through EMDR therapy and is now an evangelist for it, lol. It seems to be extremely effective.

 

It's mentioned in this book here: http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Without-Freud-Prozac-Servan-Schreibe/dp/1405077581

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Shanti

Phil, that looks like a very good book. I'll check it out when I can get it.

 

I read a great book called Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tippin:

 

"Could there be a divine purpose behind everything that happens? If you're willing to embrace this possibility, every aspect of your life can change. This is the theory behind Radical Forgiveness, Colin Tipping's revolutionary method for liberating your energy for the soul's highest expression. In Radical Forgiveness, readers join Colin for step-by-step instruction in what begins as a healing process, and culminates in a paradigm-shifting path to awakening. With this updated and revised edition, readers will discover:

 

How to transform difficult emotions like anger, fear, and resentment into unconditional love, gratitude, and peace

The five essential stages of Radical Forgiveness, and how they help us transcend the victim archetype and embrace the inherent perfection of life

The tools of Radical Forgiveness--a series of quick, effective, and easy-to-use techniques and processes including "Fake It`Til You Make It," "Collapsing the Story," "Satori Breathwork," and more. "Radical Forgiveness is much more than the mere letting go of the past," writes Colin. "It is the key to creating the life that we want and the world that we want." With Radical Forgiveness, he puts that key in our hands."

 

I firmly believe that forgiveness is key to healing this stuff. I find it easy to forgive my dad, for one thing, I know he is very mentally ill. He would talk to voices and would often accuse me of saying things when I didn't even say a word. It was very hard at the time because I didn't understand what was going on. It was very confusing to a child. But now I can see that he's Schizophrenic or something similar. I don't feel he was malicious like the judge in the video.

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Phil

Hi Shanti,

 

Just a few thoughts, hope you dont mind me sharing.

 

I agree that forgiveness is helpful, but in my own experience, I believed I had forgiven my mother for how she treated me as a child (she was emotionally unavailable, critical, etc). However I eventually realized that I still felt angry at her, when I revisited some of my earlier memories.

Whether she meant to be like that or not, it was still a reality for me as a child, that she caused me pain. So I had to revisit it with an adult perspective and actually have a normal response of anger to how I was treated, to move on from it.

I don't agree with holding grudges, but from what I learnt myself, I had to get in touch with my feelings and upset at how I was treated, before I could move on from them.

 

A book that helped me with this issue was this:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Child-Within-Discovery-Dysfunctional/dp/0932194400

 

It's aimed at people who had alcoholic parents, but I think can be applied to many who suffered abuse or neglect as children. It's been massively helpful to me. (although, it can trigger upset if you're not ready to look at your past, so be warned).

There's a section in there where they mention how forgiveness usually comes later on after processing feelings of anger or sadness at what happened.

 

Anyway, this may not apply to you, as we're all different, but just thought I'd share :)

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Barbarannamated

Shanti,

I did see that video on the news (and wanted to deck Matt Lauer for badgering her with "why now?" questions).

 

I got the strap, but not like that, not repeatedly as an assault. Am I making excuses? I don't know. I assumed it was a 'normal' way to punish a kid for being late to dinner, etc. (OK, in full disclosure, I would set my watch back to get more outdoor playtime) When I hear of what is considered abuse by today's standards and controversies regarding spanking, it gives me pause. I don't have kids, so have never had to think too hard on it.

OTOH, when my 1000lb. horse knocks me over or steps on my foot, he gets a WHACK!

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Shanti

Shanti,

I did see that video on the news (and wanted to deck Matt Lauer for badgering her with "why now?" questions).

 

I got the strap, but not like that, not repeatedly as an assault. Am I making excuses? I don't know. I assumed it was a 'normal' way to punish a kid for being late to dinner, etc. (OK, in full disclosure, I would set my watch back to get more outdoor playtime) When I hear of what is considered abuse by today's standards and controversies regarding spanking, it gives me pause. I don't have kids, so have never had to think too hard on it.

OTOH, when my 1000lb. horse knocks me over or steps on my foot, he gets a WHACK!

 

 

I thought the same thing too. Obviously she couldn't post the video while living under his roof! It was annoying that he kept saying that. I kind of got the feeling that the mom was trying to take control of the situation, just make it one whack, and get it over with. I related to that. I remember my sister getting mad at me for squirming around freaking out making it worse. But you can't help it!

 

Yeah I'd whack my horse for stepping on me too. lol

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Altostrata

My father used to beat my brother. It was horrible to watch and hear and not be able to do anything about it.

 

My mother used to slap me around, too, when nobody else was watching.

 

I believe psychotherapists help people deal with this all the time. It's not that unusual, unfortunately. People who have unhappy homes in childhood often have emotional problems as adults, and carry on the same patterns in their marriages and so forth.

 

I read somewhere that the dismissive, condescending treatment we get from doctors carries on the abuse, but we don't defend ourselves against it because we think that's the way it has to be.

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Shanti

Alto, I think you'd relate to my sister. She rarely got the belt. I know she got frustrated that it appeared I made it worse by not bending over and moving my hands, just like in the video. I got it almost daily. I was a wild child. Not to say I deserved it, but I was very hyper-active and was hard to deal with. At one period of time, my dad made a chart with mine and my sisters name, and for each day we'd get a star for not having a whooping that day. If we made it to the end of the weak with all stars, we'd get a nickel. She always got a nickel and of course, I didn't.

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Roads

My father is a narcissistic pervert. My mother divorced from him last year, and I don't see him any more, and I don't want to see him any more, though this is not due to resent. So until my eighteens, I underwent his insidious and pervert (this is almost inconspicuous for the victim) behaviour, and experienced some crazy things (staged suicide to instil guilt, pervert projections and masquerades, mental murders, frantic beating of my brother, and so on).

 

I am not affected by that, but this is more the effects of the poop out and the wd than anything else, so I am not very helpful. But when you reach total independency, you are not affected by that anymore. This is a kind of a mental stance. You become invulnerable. There is, too, the letting go. I have dispelled that from my being. I have chosen my being, made it independent, new and strong. You habe to die to your past. But once again, the nasty effects of the meds made a great part of the job. I think that to overcome it (this is not the proper world, overcoming is making exist), you have to die to a part of yourself. This is how I did it.

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Jemima

Another thing I recently brought up was my phone phobia. Every time the phone rings I have a panic attack and can't answer it. I have lost friends because of this. I never really thought about why I do this until recently. Now I realize that it developed from years of harassing phone calls from debt collectors. That was a form of mental abuse in my opinion.

 

Emotional and Psychological Trauma Information

 

My loathing of phones isn't exactly a phobia, I just hate them. I unplugged my landline the day I retired and have only plugged it back in three times since the beginning of September, twice to send a fax and once to make a medical appointment.

 

I think phones are the ultimate in rudeness and most people don't know how to use them properly. So many people don't think twice about just grabbing the phone and dialing with no consideration whatever for the person at the other end. To hell with that.

 

My friends know that I hate phones and accept it. Business people, especially doctors and pharmacies, have my cell phone number, but other than that I seldom give it out.

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Whatever

I despise phones and when the phone rings I feel a sense of intense fear.

 

Some of it is because of debt collectors, some of it is because of friends who used me as their personal therapist, going on in exhaustive detail about their problems but never taking my advice, some is due to people who cannot tolerate being alone and use the phone to avoid it, some of it is due to people who will call, not leave a message but will call every 15 minutes till you pick up, some of it is from back in the day when everyone was available via directory assistance and people I had no interest in getting to know, especially boys would call me. Even in my early 20's when I would go to bars, if a boy wanted my phone number I insisted on taking his.

 

I rarely answer the phone, the only person I pick up for is my husband.

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Barbarannamated

I am experiencing that 'im so sorry to hear that but also relieved that I'm not alone' feeling ~ I think I started a Phone Phobia orAnxiety topic awhile back ~ I get annoyed to the point of anger by how our society expects immediate connectedness at any time of day with texting especially ~i remember the days when I'd go out for the evening and look forward to listening to messages on my answering machine (unless there weren't any~)

Delayed gratification~wondering if a boy would call back after a date~ communication is so different these days

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Barbarannamated

Great point about people unable to tolerate being alone ~i know so many people who complain of how busy and stressed they are but given a few hours with nothing planned they are lost

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Whatever

I wonder if "phone phobia" is age related. In other words how many of us are over 40.

 

I'm 48. In high school answering machines didn't exist. Answering machines were used when I was in college. Voice mail and Caller ID didn't appear until the 1990's. I got my first cell phone in 1997. Anyone remember trying to find a pay phone? Or standing in line for one? Anyone remember writing letters? In my freshman year of college my friends from high school and I wrote letters until our lives moved on and we made new friends.

 

My point is this: for those of us who are 40+ we grew up where when someone called you - you had no way of knowing what that phone call would entail. Also, we grew up in a time where we had a lot more privacy.

 

But now our privacy is intruded upon unless you are careful to set boundaries. Text messaging is fine if you are running late or want to quickly say "long time no see let's get together". Outside of that it is intrusive and a lazy way to communicate. And don't get me started on Facebook - I refuse to join and participate in that whole trap.

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Whatever

Moderator since this topic has gone off on a tangent from what is a serious topic can this thread be split creating a new thread?

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Barbarannamated

And don't get me started on Facebook - I refuse to join and participate in that whole trap.

 

Oh don't get me started on 'Fakebooking' either iiii

I've said it here before …i believe this is the most insidiously dangerous force to hit our society in a long time

Whatever„not sure if you were here yet when I told of a long time friend who committed suicide and the warped responses on Facebook were shocking to me --people posting private correspondence they had with her in the last few months /still leaving comments on her wall (in a self-promotional way)…

The most shocking was from an MSW who posted "if this can happen to Diane (not real name) then it can happen to any of us …we were cut from same cloth went to same school/same hometown"

I was speechless that someone who has an advanced degree in human behavior and counsels children thought this and then posted it for many to see /frightening

Sorry for the tangent --the Facebook Effect is something I realized after participating and am trying to deprogram --it is no easy task to delete a FB account

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Shanti

 

And don't get me started on Facebook - I refuse to join and participate in that whole trap.

 

Oh don't get me started on 'Fakebooking' either iiii

I've said it here before …i believe this is the most insidiously dangerous force to hit our society in a long time

Whatever„not sure if you were here yet when I told of a long time friend who committed suicide and the warped responses on Facebook were shocking to me --people posting private correspondence they had with her in the last few months /still leaving comments on her wall (in a self-promotional way)…

The most shocking was from an MSW who posted "if this can happen to Diane (not real name) then it can happen to any of us …we were cut from same cloth went to same school/same hometown"

I was speechless that someone who has an advanced degree in human behavior and counsels children thought this and then posted it for many to see /frightening

Sorry for the tangent --the Facebook Effect is something I realized after participating and am trying to deprogram --it is no easy task to delete a FB account

 

 

I'm totally opposite. I love all those things. Text, answering machines, caller ID and Facebook. I guess it's just a matter of taste. Oh and yes, I grew up without all that. We used hand written notes, not texts in school. lol.

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Barbarannamated

It could be the small school I went to and town I grew up in but it has created so much competition and spying on former boy/girlfriends on Facebook now in our 40-50 age group~there are studies about 'Facebook jealousy' among teens but I see it all the time with older people too

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Shanti

It could be the small school I went to and town I grew up in but it has created so much competition and spying on former boy/girlfriends on Facebook now in our 40-50 age group~there are studies about 'Facebook jealousy' among teens but I see it all the time with older people too

 

Wow, it's gotta be the area or something. I'm in the 40-50 age group and have a lot of friends. We've all been together since Myspace and migrated together to Facebook. The very thought of drama, jealousy and spying amongst us literally has me rofl! Both my kids, now 18 and 20, have been on my Facebook along with a lot of their friends too and I never see or hear about any of this drama.

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Shanti

And I don't even understand what their is to be jealous about! What could it be about? Even in the high school kids, seems there'd be more jealousy and envy on the schoolyard with the clothes and stuff. Idk, this all seems so outlandish. Maybe it's just the type of friends? I have very nice, spiritual friends. We're always supportive and loving to each other.

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Barbarannamated

It's not a spoken thing among most people ~the researchers call it the "social comparison theory" and is mostly among younger set but several people here have mentioned it is the reason they stay off Facebook so I gather it's fairly common

There are definitely some who run with it perhaps unintentionally

Facebook is an advertisers dream

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Barbarannamated

Not to put fear in anyone but Social Media is the breeding ground for bullying

 

Just checked to be sure I was wording that correctly --it is the Social Comparison Theory first postulated by Festinger in the 1950s~now is an area of study called Cyber Psychology (and perhaps other names )

EX:kids tag themselves in pic at a party and someone who was not invited sees tag/knows they were not invited--->hurt feelings etc

There have been some really sad stories of suicides on FB

 

MY high school class is very close also --tothe point that other classes envy ~i was big into it until last spring when(inow realize wd was happening ) and I was feeling jealousy over things that I would usually be happy for friends ~i knew that was not me and hated the envy that was uncharacteristic of me so I started backing away and have come to learn that others are experiencing similar feelings

It's a very unconscious or subconscious phenomenon that I think is exaggerated during wd

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Shanti

I don't doubt that this goes on, but the problem stems from school imo. This is exactly why I pulled my daughter out of school at 13 and started homeschooling. The bullying and drama at the schools is nothing like FB. FB is just one tool for bullying that is spread from the issue of school. Because my daughter has never been through the bullying and drama like that, she attracts to her people like her and has spiritual and kind friends. I think we're putting the blame on the wrong thing. I think everyone knows a kid from school that suicided.

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Barbarannamated

The bullying in traditional sense (as in school) is completely separate issue ~sorry if I confused the two ~if you read the info on Social Comparison Theory it should explain the difference --it has more to do with expectations we put on ourselves (and heavily during middle age it seems) with no intentional judgment or bullying from others ~ an internal thing that several of us have mentioned on other threads (I forget such ones)

Found it: see "Spectio:is it depression or withdrawal" -- in addition to myself „Nadia„Fefes and in another place InNeed have all sworn off FB for similar reasons not related to bullying --except bullying ourselves :(

Kudos to homeschooling :)

Kids have a tough world to deal with

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Shanti

I guess I'm just different. I'm selective about who is on my FB. I don't like drama and drama people are either deleted or just hidden. I find a lot of support from my spiritual friends there. I guess it depends on who you are friends with.

 

I was bullied, outright, in school. So was my daughter, that's why I pulled her out when the school did nothing.

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Shanti

Here's how I deal with Facebook, just to give you an idea of how I make it MY space. I consider it my refuge and support. I don't use my last name so people can find me. Some family that is very religious and against my views friended me. I knew this wasn't going to work, so I went ahead and accepted but I hid them from my statuses and I have theirs blocked. If anyone, I don't care WHO it is, criticizes or tries to argue with me, they get booted. I don't care if it's family or friends. Sometimes someone from high school finds me. If it's someone that was a true and good friend, I'll accept. But there are many that I rejected because they were the popular bi**es and such and I could see the same behavior on their own walls. Most of the friends I have now are people that I have met on spiritual forums so we are all of like mind and way above petty drama games.

 

If anyone is like me and wants a good taste of FB, just add me and my friends and reject anyone from your life that brings bs. It's simple.

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Shanti

Since this thread is originally about abuse, this does fit. I was blessed with Skunk Totem. We can all use it.

 

I will not tolerate abuse in any form.

I have power!

I will not let others use me.

I am a divine child!

I will sift out friends, keeping the good.

That is my responsibility!

Like the skunk, I will learn when to be disagreeable.

That is my right!

 

Posted Image

 

 

Sensuality, Respect, Self-Esteem

 

The skunk is a very powerful totem

with mystical and magical associations.

It teaches how to give respect, expect respect and demand respect.

This totem helps you recognize your own qualities and assert them.

 

Skunks are fearless but very peaceful.

These are two wonderful qualities which you can learn from your skunk totem.

 

If you have skunk medicine will find that the use of fragrances will elicit dynamic responses

in the people around you.

Your sexual response will be heightened

and you will have a greater ability to attract people.

 

Individuals with a skunk totem must learn to balance the ability to draw and repel people.

Skunks remind us that there is a time to be with people and a time for solitude.

 

The skunk's stripe is the outward sign of kundalini or life force.

When you receive a skunk totem, your kundalini or life force activates and amplifies.

You must learn to use this force effectively.

 

Skunks are silent animals and through their silent, they teach us not to brag --

it will push people away rather than attract.

People will notice you without any help.

 

From http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/skunk.htm

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Whatever

There are several reasons why I do not have a Facebook account. The biggest reason is privacy. I am tenacious about keeping information about myself off the internet. This is because I worked in IT for many years and I know how invasive computer databases can be. Every IT professional I personally know is adamant about staying off Facebook.

 

Every month I google my name and my maiden name to see if there is anything out there. There is next to nothing, and what does come of with my name leads to a dead end. How can data about you be used on the internet? Human Resource departments google and check Facebook accounts of applicants. If you owe money to a creditor or the IRS, they will google you. And, I have been stalked by ex-boyfriends even before Facebook existed and I didn't like it.

 

There is so much data mining going on it is sickening. Some of it comes from public records and there is nothing we can do about this. There is a site called Spokeo. It lists your birthday, your family members names, your address and a picture of your house. All of this comes from public records, including the census. I wanted to kill my husband because he provided the census bureau with a lot of information about us, which showed up on Spokeo. All you are required to provide to the census is how many people live in your home, you do not need to give the census the name, birthday, occupation, race, religion etc of the people in your house. Spokeo also lists anything else about you that the algorythmn can find, such as your Facebook account and your email account(s). I opted out of it, I also opted my family members out of it. Spokeo actually wants you to opt out, because to opt out you need to provide an email address, and voila they now have an email address on you. So when I opted out I used a temporary gmail email accounts that did not have my name. There are other Spokeo type sites, and more will appear in the future.

 

There is also a site called Spoke. Spoke data mines corporate email addresses. The corporate email addresses of some of the companies I have worked at in the past come up when I google myself.

 

Facebook is the ultimate data mining entity. The mission of Facebook is to data mine and sell that information to whomever wants it. Facebook encourages people to provide as much information about themselves for this reason; and people who are narcisstic or have something to prove feed Facebook with lots of personal information. The timeline feature is the most intrusive. Use that and post pics of yourself as a baby, at school graduations, with family, your wedding pics and voila, your whole autobiography is out there. The fact that you have the option of privacy settings is an illusion. The privacy settings protect your information from the general public. But it does not protect your information from Facebook and its ability to mine and sell that information, not to mention Facebook's backend and hackers. The legal statements Facebook makes about protecting your data is full of legal loopholes. When Facebook goes public, which it will, people are going to make big bucks off all the personal information on Facebook.

 

Here are three articles about Facebook that support my arguement and explain why I do not have and never will have a Facebook account:

 

http://articles.businessinsider.com/2010-05-03/tech/29974530_1_zuckerberg-open-graph-facebook-s-ceo

 

http://rield.com/faq/why-is-facebook-bad

 

http://www.forbes.com/sites/chunkamui/2011/08/08/facebooks-privacy-issues-are-even-deeper-than-we-knew/

 

I have nothing to hide and my life is really not that interesting. BUT - I value my privacy.

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Barbarannamated

EXCELLENT info Whatever ~Thank You :)

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Barbarannamated

Shanti ~

I've never been bullied or harassed in person or on Facebook etc~

The Social Comparison Theory and Facebook Depression that have been studied and extensively documented are not only about bullying by others ~ it is an INTERNAL and unintentional comparison that comes from within and is human nature to some extent~

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