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Shanti

Surviving Child Abuse

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Shanti

I just haven't experienced that, but I don't doubt that others do. As I said, I don't use my real name and I, too, Google my name to see what's out there, finding nothing on me. I am just really careful about the people I associate with, offline and on. I never post anything that I wouldn't want the whole world to know. Anyway, after reading what you said, you might like this TED video as it gets even worse about privacy:

 

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meistersinger

 

And don't get me started on Facebook - I refuse to join and participate in that whole trap.

 

Oh don't get me started on 'Fakebooking' either iiii

I've said it here before …i believe this is the most insidiously dangerous force to hit our society in a long time

Whatever„not sure if you were here yet when I told of a long time friend who committed suicide and the warped responses on Facebook were shocking to me --people posting private correspondence they had with her in the last few months /still leaving comments on her wall (in a self-promotional way)…

The most shocking was from an MSW who posted "if this can happen to Diane (not real name) then it can happen to any of us …we were cut from same cloth went to same school/same hometown"

I was speechless that someone who has an advanced degree in human behavior and counsels children thought this and then posted it for many to see /frightening

Sorry for the tangent --the Facebook Effect is something I realized after participating and am trying to deprogram --it is no easy task to delete a FB account

 

You would absolutely hate Usenet newsgroups, as a lot of responses to a discussion thread could get quite nasty. I rarely hit any usenet groups anymore because of all the spam trolling, uncivil actions, etc.

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meistersinger

My father used to beat my brother. It was horrible to watch and hear and not be able to do anything about it.

 

My mother used to slap me around, too, when nobody else was watching.

 

I believe psychotherapists help people deal with this all the time. It's not that unusual, unfortunately. People who have unhappy homes in childhood often have emotional problems as adults, and carry on the same patterns in their marriages and so forth.

 

I read somewhere that the dismissive, condescending treatment we get from doctors carries on the abuse, but we don't defend ourselves against it because we think that's the way it has to be.

 

If you read my intro, I made it quite plain that both my parents came from broken and dysfunctional homes. My maternal grandfather was the town drunk (and a mean, stupid one at that). My paternal grandfather was verbally and emotionally abusive to my dad and his siblings. (Ironically, dad was the only one in his family that defended him, except at the very end. Both sets of grandparents strongly believed in the dictum, spare the rod, spoil the child and might makes right.

 

Many are the times my brothers and I felt the sting of Dad's belt with the brass buckle. (Not that we didn't deserve it at times.) With Mom, we all learned to bob and weave, as she had a nasty left hook. Also, She'd beat you with whatever she got her hands on. In her younger days, she'd curse at you so badly that drunk Russian sailors would blush.

 

Heaven forbid if you brought friends home they didn't approve of.

 

Her line was, when someone would make a comparison of me or my brothers that was disparaging (which was frequent) "Well, my kids aren't perfect little angels, but ..." For us, that was usually code to act even more perfect than whoever we were being compared to, else our asses would get a severe beating.

 

We learned real fast not to offer any kind of opinion, since we'd be punished for offering our two cents. Anything they didn't understand or didn't like was considered stupidity, and we were punished for participating in such stupidity. For example, I didn't start watching Star Trek until I was an undergraduate in college. Ditto for Monty Python. Heaven forbid if I was interested in a girl in high school.

 

Dad always thought it was funny to make a fool out of me at any time. I still remember how he made a jackass out of me at my high school band's night of music my senior year, when I was one of the two soloists for that concert (the other soloist being my cousin). Even while I was in college, I didn't socialize much because I always felt like they had someone spying on me, waiting for me to have a good time, or date a girl, or whatever.

 

Whenever anything went wrong, it was always my fault. When the local female bullies tried to beat up on me or get in my pants, when I was in public school, it was always my fault. My brothers and I were the black sheep of the black sheep on both sides of the family. The only time either side of the family would bother with us was if any dirty work had to be done. (Which was frequently). Even then I was made to feel like damaged goods, not matter how hard I'd work to get some recognition.

 

I'm the one that took it the hardest when he died 26 years ago from liver cancer. I was living in Chicago at the time, and always felt guilty for not being around when he got sick. That was probably the beginning of my descent into antidepressants, since the only thing I was could do was work, and gave up enjoyment of everything. That when the depression, as well as the binge and reckless spending began. I'm the eldest in the family, but I had a hard time trying to adjust to anything. (I still do.) It's why my brothers would rather see me living in the street. (Their response is to grow up and get over it, whether it would be about dad or mom.)

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Nikki

I could write a book on Child Abuse in Catholic Schools by the Nuns. For me, this was the Scene of The Crime for anxiety. When I say the word nun I get uncomfortable...

 

I had EMDR Therapy for it and it was very helpful. It helped remove the emotional charge.

High School with nuns was really bad for me. I became rebellious and confused.

 

I knew my daughter was going to Public School.

 

What I learned about these issues is to stop keeping them at bay. Face it, write about it, then re-write about it from a compassionate, caring place. You know, like you are comforting that little kid who went thru the experience and then talk about it.

 

The purging process can take a load off our shoulders.

 

Hugs

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Daisy

Some abusive incidents can never be forgiven and do not need to be. I still suffer at times from the effects of abuse. The abuser is dead now and I do not mourn his passing. The one thing I wanted from him though,was an apology. But I will never get that from him now, nor would I have gotten if he were still living. Some people are just sick and do not see that their actions are wrong. In their minds, there is no need to apologize.

 

It is such a shame that there are people that take advantage of child's innocence and inexperience. Instead of adding something good to a child's life, they add emotional wounds that are so hard to heal.

 

Maybe it is W/D from Effexor XR that is causing me to share a little about this part of my life. But it is not causing me emotional pain to do so and nor am I numb. It is just part of my past that periodically I seem to need to share.

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Nikki

And when it crops up - sharing is a good remedy Daisy.

 

Daisy I have used a riddance exercise in the past that helped me alot. You take a letter that you have writtne to the abuser. Put everything down in an uncensored manner and then burn it in the BBQ - and as you are burning it - you say something like 'that was then and this is now, and I am releasing the pain you caused.." Say goodbye of good riddance to that person while buring the paper.

 

Hugs

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Daisy

That sounds like a good exercise. I could also pretend that the fire is inflicting him pain as well. Of course, if you believe in heaven and hell, he is already roasting.

 

Daisy

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Rhiannon

Some abusive incidents can never be forgiven and do not need to be. I still suffer at times from the effects of abuse. The abuser is dead now and I do not mourn his passing. The one thing I wanted from him though,was an apology. But I will never get that from him now, nor would I have gotten if he were still living. Some people are just sick and do not see that their actions are wrong. In their minds, there is no need to apologize.

 

It is such a shame that there are people that take advantage of child's innocence and inexperience. Instead of adding something good to a child's life, they add emotional wounds that are so hard to heal.

 

Maybe it is W/D from Effexor XR that is causing me to share a little about this part of my life. But it is not causing me emotional pain to do so and nor am I numb. It is just part of my past that periodically I seem to need to share.

 

I have mixed feelings about the "forgiving" thing. I was horrifically abused, but I was told it was nothing, that I deserved it; it was ignored, it was treated as nothing (mostly because my parents didn't actually know it was happening, all the truly horrific stuff happened away from home, they weren't actually involved, they just didn't notice and didn't protect me.)

 

And the more subtle mental/emotional abuse that DID happen in my home and still does was also about negating and denying uncomfortable emotions, and denying that the emotionally abusive things that are done and said are abuse or even anything at all. Lots of gaslighting kinds of stuff.

 

So in that context, I'm not sure striving to forgive is healthy for me. It comes too close to saying "it's okay, it's nothing." I know that's not what forgiveness is, everyone says so, but it's just too close, for me. For me, it seems to be more important to actually allow my anger, to actually affirm that I was wronged and I do NOT have to accept or forgive. To make it simple. It was wrong. Those people were evil. My parents are crazy. I feel more sane and more on top of things when I acknowledge that. I love them, but they're crazy.

 

Now, on a spiritual level, I do forgive. To me, that's something different. On the soul level, I do forgive. That works for me because I experience myself on that level as a mental state distinct from my "personality" self.

 

Maybe that's an advantage to having a dissociated "self"--I get to forgive and not forgive at the same time.

 

I've done a ton of therapy and work on PTSD and abuse, especially working with reintegrating dissociated parts of the self and dealing with horrible recovered memories. I have found EMDR to be really helpful. I don't know if I could have recovered to the extent I have without therapy. For me, reliving the abuse, walking back through it with the support of a sympathetic and caring therapeutic witness and with the help of EMDR sometimes, has been the path to healing this stuff. To the extent that it's been healed. Which is a lot, for me. But there are some scars that don't heal. It never actually goes away. For me.

 

I'm wondering what's going to come up as I come off meds--all those years of therapy I did on the worst stuff, the torture and rapes, was during the 20 years on meds. And I have sort of a hunch that we can't process fully while on meds. So I have a feeling there's going to be some more processing as I come off and stay off meds. It's okay, I just hope I can find the help I need and it's not too expensive.

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