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Pearlsky

Hello. I am twenty years old and had been on antidepressants since I was ten. From then on through my teenage years, all I knew was I needed to take my medicine . Once I was diagnosed with high-functioning autism, my pediatrician referred me to a neurologist. The neurologist then put me on respiradone and strattera. I don't remember if I had any behavior problems or not, but my neurologist told me I would have to be on medicine for the rest of my life. I stayed on those two meds until I got into high school.

 

My first two years of high school, I couldn't stop crying. I cried day and night. My neurologist put me on celexa. When that didn't work, my neurologist told me he could no longer help me and referred me to a psychiatrist. I saw the new psychiatrist my junior year of high school who told me I had depression and anxiety that needed to be treated. I was taken off respiradone and strattera and put on pristiq and adderall. When pristiq wouldn't work, I was switched back to celexa. So it went on, switching back and forth between antidepressants. There were so many different ones I can't remember many of them. Every time I asked my psychiatrist if the next time it would work, he assured me it would. There was no chance to talk when I saw my psychiatrist. It would result in a new prescription every time.

 

During my senior year, I helplessly slept through every class, sometimes falling out on the floor asleep. I had a good school counselor who allowed me to pass because she knew it was the medicine and I got plenty of sleep. I also cried uncontrollably almost every day in front of everyone and it was very humiliating as I would stir up a lot of attention. My senior pictures of me showed a person with a puffed up and swollen face.

 

I was switched to lexapro again and stayed on it my whole first year of college. Then the crying returned. During my second year, I was switched to Abilify for depression. I still trusted my psychiatrist as he again promised me it would work. Out of all my experiences with antidepressants, there is nothing that could ever have compared to this.

 

As soon as I took the first dose of Abilify, my brain signaled to me something was very, very wrong. I began receiving no sleep. My psychiatrist put me on trazadone for that, but when I took it, my body fell completely limp, my heartbeat slowed down to almost nothing, and I went numb while my body shut itself down. I stopped it after two nights. Meanwhile, with abilify, I began spending all my time obsessing over things I would normally never touch.

 

I believed I was an alien hybrid sent from outer space to save the planet. I also believed the human race are all aliens in disguise. Then I started going mad. I didn't want to be a human anymore. I wanted to be a supernatural creature with otherworldly capabilities. This was all extremely terrifying to me, but I couldn't stop myself. I lost my common sense as I believed these nonsensical theories. My mind was overpowering me with racing thoughts such as these listed. I couldn't think clearly. I was almost always in a state of rage. Reasoning had left me.

 

For reasons I do not remember, I stopped Abilify by myself cold turkey. My psychiatrist had told me before that I never needed to worry about tapering because the antidepressants I took were all in the same family. He never mentioned stopping completely. Withdrawal symptoms didn't show up until a week later. My psychiatrist told me they would last 15 days. They were relatively minor, and I didn't worry much about them. However, nothing could have ever prepared me for the horror I underwent next.

 

Every horror I could have never imagined bestowed me over the course of a month. I received no sleep. I was very lucky if I got one hour. The nights soon got from bad to worse. I developed REM sleep disorder. I was unable to tell the difference between being awake and asleep. As my mind was drifting, I jumped up in the air, screamed, swung at the air, and thrashed violently all over. In addition, my head would suddenly snap up and I would shout melancholy indistinguishable language and suck in sharp breaths. I was aware of everything, but I had no control over it, and it was very disturbing to me.

 

Then came the uncontrollable muscle movements. My lips drew up on the sides, my mouth gaped open, my lips puckered and pouted, my teeth bared, my tongue stuck out, my neck extended, my eyes bulged, my eyebrows rose and lowered, my hands flapped, my arms swung, my knees jerked, my head jerked side to side, and my fingers extended. Shouts, grunts, moans, and gasps escaped my mouth. Several weeks went by as more horrendous symptoms appeared.

 

Every day I was a zombie. I could only do basic human activities. I had no awareness of the passage of time. At night while drifting off, a dark shadowy presence swept over me. I was aware of where I was in real time while drifting, but I sensed a sudden danger. I jumped up alert every time. I heard a voice I believed to be God's telling me why I was like this and what I needed to do. It spoke to me relentlessly for days. When this occurred, an otherworldly and overwhelming sense of peace filled my every being. But it was always soon replaced by a terror so surreal I could not function. During this time, I could "see" my brain and I believed I was in control of what I allowed to be let in. After four days of this, I ordered the voice to "Get out!" It did and did not come back. Right after this, a veil suddenly covered my mind and I was disengaged from reality. I had no sense of where I was and I had no connection with my parents. I was always mad, crying most of the time, and my head was always jerking.

 

I saw my psychiatrist for the last time two months ago. The doctor who had been nice to me all this time suddenly turned mean. He told me he refused to see me unless I got on medicine. By this time, I had found this site and many other websites about withdrawal. I knew I wanted to try living a better life and I was not backing down. I never took the newly prescribed anti psychotic he prescribed me.

 

A week later, my parents, exasperated with how I was doing and on their last straw, called my psychiatrist. My dad told the psychiatrist I had read on the internet how long the withdrawal really is and the doctor spoke with me on the phone. My psychiatrist told me that the withdrawal symptoms I was describing were "all in my head" because the medicine would already be out of my system now six weeks later. He told me I needed to get on medicine right now because "I needed help". He told me my quality of life was not as good without the medicine. I was in another rage episode by this time, and unlike me, I confronted him. I said "Well why are a lot of these the same symptoms I experienced during the so-called withdrawal time?" He said he didn't know and preceded to ask me was I on drugs. I was in disbelief that anyone would ask such a thing. I have not spoken to that psychiatrist since.

 

I am dealing currently with a lot of physical and mental symptoms but none I would describe as severe as that horrible nightmare of a month. (That month just happened to be timed perfectly with my Christmas break.) My mouth, head, and fingers jerk, but never as exaggerated as they were the first month. I dealt with extremely numb fingers, feet, and ankles up until two weeks ago. My ankles at times felt like they were hanging by a single nail. My feet, bluish-green, were so numb and swollen I had no feeling and shooting pains shot up my legs.

 

I was extremely dizzy for so long. My gp told me I have low blood pressure. I started having panic attacks. Anxiety crept over me for no apparent reason. I cried a lot. I felt hopeless. I am dealing with apathy, anhedonia, akathisia, and cognitive problems. My memory has not been well during this whole time. I am not aware; I'm just wherever I am. I have lost perception of sight, hearing, and touch. I do things I'm supposed to do because I know that's what I've always done. I cannot connect feelings to memories; I have to rely on pictures and journals from over the years. I had to look back in my journal to refresh my memory of this whole experience which I happened to write down. I have been disconnected with myself...it was worse in the beginning. I would look at pictures of myself and couldn't connect that it was me. The whole first month of withdrawal my face was so puffed up I thought my skin would fall off. Sometimes things look bigger or smaller than they appear. My thinking ability is limited.

 

I went to my gp again three weeks ago and I was low on vitamin D. I am currently on iron medicine, vitamin d supplements, allergy medicine, and multivitamins. Although the numbness has gone away, I am extremely faint and have weak tremors every day. At night I'm miserably exhausted. My heart is always beating fast and hard. I get chills and my body tenses up. I'm not sure if I should be concerned about any of this.

 

I cold-turkeyed Abilify four months ago. I have managed to keep my grades up in college since then and so far have maintained a perfect attendance. Some days are harder than others, but I try to count my blessings as I've heard stories far worse than my own. I am only beginning to understand what I am dealing with. The last thing I would want is to ever take another antidepressant and hinder this process. I feel like I have a real sense of myself now and I feel more in control. I have no idea how long this will last or if it will ever go away but I try to maintain a positive attitude about it as things slowly get better. I have faced the fact that I can't change my past but I can certainly shape my future. I apologize for the long story. It is difficult to get my thoughts together.

Edited by ChessieCat
corrected tag spelling & added extra para breaks

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LexAnger

Oh my god, Pearlsky, reading your story makes me heart broken and very angry!

I can't find a word to express how sorry I am about the extreme tourturing you went through! Damn all the poisons and those doctors!

 

Your strength is beyond incredible! I can't imagine how you survived that month and even more you maintained school and great grades! You should be very proud of yourself!

 

What a relief that all those horror are over for most part. your positive altitude and streghth will take you all the way out of this hell.

 

Here you will find all the victims like yourself, understanding and supportive along your rest journey getting your life back!

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Pearlsky

I am still very confused about a lot of things concerning my withdrawal symptoms. I feel frustrated regarding my mental fatigue. My mind will not allow me to think normal thoughts. Instead, they are usually rampant and often times very upsetting. In particular, since a month into wd, I have overwhelming thoughts regarding my fetish. They "make" me do things I wouldn't normally want to do, and this drives me crazy every single day.

 

What makes this especially frustrating is the trigger is a human bodily function that I can't avoid. I had this fetish prior, but it was never, ever like this. I cannot explain how intensified and extreme it has become. Everyday I have to satisfy these overwhelming desires that I feel are not my own. It feels good in the moment, but it leaves me feeling such extreme frustration and rage that I have to do it all over again and again. When I have managed to resist the urges, the same feelings overwhelm me and in some ways worse.

 

People I told couldn't understand why all this for a silly reason. But it's not silly to me. It's very real and the slightest references from people and even seeing or hearing what people say and do greatly upset me. I can't escape it. I just want to be normal about this again. This fetish was no big deal for me before. I would satisfy it occasionally by doing the things associated with it (months or years in between) and get on with my life without further adue. I think it started escalating around a year ago when I was taking AD's but the thoughts and feelings didn't start until around a month and a half ago when a simple occurrence sent me into a panic attack and deep depression.

 

The sensitive subject matter of this makes is extremely hard to tell anyone which makes me feel even worse as I stuggle with the battle myself.

 

In contradiction to my first post, there are certainly many days I feel very depressed. I go through periods of days or weeks that alternate between displaying no emotion and crying a lot. This tends to evolve around my cycles. In fact, I look forward to my cycles for the simple matter of calming things down.

 

The worst of the symptoms - night terrors, distortion, depression, rages, etc, tend to escalate in the days leading up to my period. It is things like this I am only beginning to understand. Most of the time I feel very confused about everything. It is rare for me to have the ability to sort all this out.

 

Yes, I try to remain positive and at times succeed, but there are times when I question if I should get back in antidepressants. My gp is pestering me about getting back on them for depression and sometimes I can't make up my mind. I always say no in the end, but as he is continuing to pester me, I continue to question myself.

 

A lot of times I ask myself "Am I mentally ill?" "Am I bipolar?" I tell myself after I am not crazy or bipolar but I don't think I really believe it. I do feel crazy. Btw, I've never had suicidal thoughts. It terrifies me to think about myself ever having those. I want to live my life the way it's supposed to live out.

 

The real question is: will this all get better and go away? How soon? Again, I'm sorry for the lengthy post.

Edited by Petunia
added paragraph breaks for easier reading

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Petunia

Welcome Pearlsky,

 

Like LexAnger, I'm also sad and angry from reading your story. And so very sorry this has happened to you, for what has been done to you. A 10 year old should not be drugged in the way you were. If a child is having emotional problems, there are underlying causes which need to be discovered and worked out properly, not suppressed with drugs.

 

But as you so wisely wrote, that is the past, and not something you can change now. You have a wonderful attitude about your situation. I admire you for your ability to continue with your studies and your determination to recover and build a better future for yourself.

 

You will recover, and because you are still young and your brain still developing, you have a very good chance of being able to put this all behind you and become the person you were supposed to be.

 

You write well, have a good attitude and clarity about your situation, in spite of still being in withdrawal. Don't underestimate how much withdrawal can effect our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Its not surprising you are still feeling so confused and upset by symptoms. Its going to take a while, but you will get better.

 

The cycles of symptoms you describe are normal. Recovery happens this way. Many women report that their cycles of symptoms coincide with the changes in the monthly cycle.

 

I understand how concerned you are about the escalation of a compulsive behavior. It sounds to me like its been something minor, in the background of your life, which hasn't been a problem, but now, in withdrawal, its become worse. This happened to me with a compulsive behavior which has always been part of me, and not a problem for most of my life. But it was made much worse by one medication I was given and then it remained a problem for about a year, after I was drug free, slowly subsiding until now its back to being the way it was previously. I'm sure this will settle down for you too, as you continue to recover. These urges will slowly subside and go back to a more normal level. Don't cause extra anxiety and stress for yourself by worrying about it. Its the drugs and withdrawal causing it and it will get better.

 

I'm going to post some links which I think may be relevant for you. Take your time and read through what resonates and come back here to your thread, with any questions or comments.

 

What is withdrawal syndrome?

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

OCD: obsessive thoughts, compulsive behaviors - Symptoms and self ...

Brain Remodelling (Rhi's Description of Brain Healing)

 

Videos

 

 

 

Thank you for filling in your signature. It would be even better, and helpful for us if you would add some dates and dosages, and information about how you stopped. The last 2 years are the most important for detail.

 

Are you taking any medications at the moment? Any supplements?

 

hangingbyabranch.gif  Hang in there, things will get better.

 

Petunia.

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Pearlsky

Hi again, and thanks LexAnger and Petunia for your help.

 

I have been particularly struggling the past few days. My memory feels poor, and sometimes while doing schoolwork my brain seems to "stop" and I can't move forward. I feel no emotion and especially feel no connection to anything. I feel as if I'm going into a panic attack at any given time, and if I don't keep in check, my breathing will escalate and I will feel myself going into one before I can stop myself. My breathing is shallow and my chest feels constricted. I do suffer from seasonal allergies and asthma, so this might be a possible cause.

 

It seems as though if I get too excited, that's when I begin gasping and feel an exhausting sensation come over me. I feel weak and really tired a lot. I'm anemic but I don't know if it's that since I take iron supplements. It feels like I fall asleep with my eyes open. I always feel ready for sleep but I don't take naps because I already have a hard enough time regulating my sleep cycles to where I'm not lying awake for too long at night. I can normally fall asleep within an hour, but if my sleep cycle is out of whack, I will lie awake for four. When I'm exhausted, I fall asleep in seconds. It's nice for that to happen but awful at the same time because I feel "too exhausted" and it extends onto the next day too.

 

Anyway, during the day now I get these twitches all over my body like my fingers and toes and my head feels like it's going to knock me over like it's too heavy for my body. I sway when I'm standing up and it feels like I'm losing my balance. On the other hand, when I'm sitting, my head falls. When I fall asleep with my eyes open or partly open in the middle of the day(this gets the worse immediately after noon), my head does jerks one at a time. I've been doing this throughout all withdrawal. If I focus on something too long or my mind is blank and I feel drowsy, it will occur. I call my looking "the dead look" because I never feel like I'm looking at anything. I'm feeling depersonalization again..but this time it's more like I am disconnected from my body but not my head. Oftentimes, I get this strong desire to get up and move and exert a lot of energy and I can't stand it unless I act on it.

 

What's ironic is I feel too weak to do a lot of exercising, but I get what feels like an adrenaline rush and do it anyhow. At this time, my thoughts and movements will be too fast. This was what led me to think I have bipolar disorder, although I don't think that anymore. Everyday feels completely different, and when I look back on them, I somehow focus more on the weeks than the days.

 

My mind has been a complete chaos lately. I always feel unsure what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. I wonder if there's anything to go on at this point. Choices of activities which I would normally be able to perform are even more limited than what they were weeks ago. Many things mostly associated with school are too overwhelming for me now, although I'm getting done what has to be done the best I can. It seems to me I was doing noticeably better than this a month ago and I can't see the fairness in how the symptoms seem to have switched. For example, I don't feel the terrible numbness and shooting sensations in my feet, ankles, and legs, but I have no perception of feeling in my body so I can't feel happy about it. It's kind of like back during the initial withdrawal syndrome when I was depressed about the medicine making me gain a ton of weight and I wanted to be happy about losing weight but I couldn't because I felt no pleasure or emotion.

 

Regardless, there have been good days, most of those I remember last month when the weather was really nice for a while. Only a few days ago, my thoughts and feelings felt closer to normal than they've been in while. That was quickly overshadowed by the next day. I love music and music has been giving me overpowering emotions of all sorts lately including vivid memories but as soon as it's turned off, the feelings are gone and I'm left with nothing again. I have a cat I care about very much that shows affection for me and while she cuddles with me and purrs I pet her and tell her what's on my mind. (She was there with me during those terrifying nights of initial withdrawal.)

 

I have edited my signature the best I could with the medication I was on, the dosages of the recent medications, and when I stopped it. There was no gap in between medications. I can't clearly remember the circumstances of how I stopped Aripiprazole, but I think I might have skipped several doses for a week or two before I stopped it completely. I was on it between 3-4 weeks. I remember going crazy but I really don't remember the true reason I stopped it. I had no clue what I was getting into. I was never informed on the importance of tapering. I am sorry for getting off track and repeating myself; my mind is all over the place.

Edited by JanCarol
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Pearlsky

Pearlsky Update:

I have traveled down a dark, lonely road. My symptoms - both physical and mental - have become significantly worse, and the nights are horrendous. Any time I get depression, I deny I have it for so long that when I finally accept that I have it, I have gotten so so bad.

 

I saw my gp with my 30 different symptoms, and he asked me if I wanted to get on Welbutrin. I said no. He called me stubborn but I don't care.

 

I am tired of it all. I am tired of constantly feeling distressed. I am tired of feeling so sickly. I am tired of thinking I won't make it through the night. Most of all, I am tired of feeling trapped in a body with nothing inside me. I really don't have anything to go on anymore. I am tired.

 

I personally believe I wouldn't have to worry about depression like this if I would have never been on antidepressants for so long. It seems like everyone my age is normal and healthy and I have to suffer alone.

 

I recall a time in the fourth grade when my doctors were trying me out for medicine and put me on Prozac. It didn't work. I spent every day I was on it crying, which was completely out of the norm for me. My parents called my doctor as soon as he was available and begged him to take me off of that drug. That was the only time I ever remember my parents begging my doctor to take me off any medicine. Needless to say, I wasn't on it for very long. Immediately following, I was put on the two drugs which I stayed on for about seven years.

 

I found more information in my notes as to why I quit Abilify cold-turkey which honestly I had been avoiding. My words at the time were "I don't need it." I suppose I knew what I was doing, but of course if only I had known better I wouldn't have done it. Either the drugs blinded my decision-making, or I was naive. Since that time on December 1, 2016, I have never felt so in the dark about everything.

 

The only hope I have right now is vitamin supplements. I got the ok from my gp and I am going to try magnesium and B12 and see if it helps. I only want to feel better. I fear the worst if things keep going at this pace. I have recurring nightmares - in them, my psychiatrist attempts to take my life before someone steps in to save me. I cannot get back on those drugs. I can only hope I get better. I appreciate any responses.

 

Pearlsky

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Pearlsky

Please help: Deliberating fatigue, weak muscles, lightheadedness, blank mind, memory problems, etc.

 

I'm experiencing all the above symptoms plus trouble sleeping at night, falling asleep during the day, muscle spasms, muscle stiffness, heavy fuzzy feeling, blank state of mind, no feeling, loss of perception, blurred/foggy vision, and many more. It's been five months since I stopped Abilify cold turkey and my gp doctor is still telling me my depression is returning. Please help!! I've just lately progressively gotten worse and I started taking Mag-Ox 400 mg and Nature Made B12 1000 iu a couple days ago. I can barely get through school anymore, and I have to go home and lie down where I immediately fall asleep but I get 9 hours each night!! I'm 20 years old and I'm really afraid of what's happening and if I will get better or I need to do something about it. I don't even feel human.

Edited by Petunia
Topic moved from symptoms forum and title added.

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DLB

Just checked in and seen this. I went through the same muscle thing and it happened every time I came off of Paxil. After three months it would hit and even with a 15 month taper it started to hit me at 1 mg. and have had it really bad in my legs. This is finally clearing up after 2 years off. I believe I have finally turned the corner on that one. Read my story and you will see my progress. It takes TIME but you will get better.

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Petunia

Thank you for updating Pearlsky.

 

I'm sorry you are still not feeling well. But I'm not surprised, you went CT off your last drug just 4 months ago, after being on these kinds of medications for a long time. Its going to take a while for your nervous system to recover, but you will get better.

 

Please don't blame yourself for not tapering. You didn't know. You did what you thought was best at the time. If anyone should be blamed its our doctors for harming us in the first place and then for not being accountable.

 

It might seem like it, but you are not alone. There are thousands of people around the world going through the same recovery process from psychiatric drugs.

 

I know what its like to 'just want to feel better', and wanting to try anything with even the slightest promise of hope. I did that too by trying all kinds of herbs and supplements. Some things helped a little bit at first, but then quickly stopped helping. Some things made me feel worse and other things I tried did nothing at all.

 

My advice is to save your money. Here is the link to our symptoms and self care section, you may find some useful ideas to help manage symptoms as you recover.  Especially read the topics pinned at the top.

 

The best I can offer by way of advice is to listen to your body and avoid those things that set off symptoms as much as possible. Aside from a high quality fish oil and magnesium, avoid supplements. Many people find  fish oil and magnesium helpful, see King of Supplements: Omega 3 Fatty Acids (Fish Oil) and Magnesium, Nature's Calcium Channel Blocker

 

But try new supplements one at a time, and start with a very small dose. If you take several things together, and you have a bad reaction, you wont know which one is causing it.

 

Here are a few more tips: The rule of 3KIS: Keep it simple. Keep it slow. Keep it stable.

 

Withdrawal is notorious for causing short term memory problems and foggy thinking. So its a good idea to re-read information. When I was at my worst, I would forget what I had just read within minutes. Nothing would stick and I would read the same things over and over, every day, just to keep reminding myself of why I was feeling so bad and what I was supposed to do to get better.

 

Maybe read back through the links I posted for you earlier in your thread. Watch the videos again.

 

You are going to heal, but it will take time. The best way to support recovery is to minimize stress, accept what is happening and learn how to take care of your nervous system in its temporarily sensitized state.

 

This thread is the best place to ask for general support, you can use it as your ongoing journal to track progress, write about symptoms, ask questions and communicate with the community, add to it whenever you want. Its a good idea to bookmark it or follow it, so its easy to find again.

 

Petunia.

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Petunia

Please help: Deliberating fatigue, weak muscles, lightheadedness, blank mind, memory problems, etc.

 

I'm experiencing all the above symptoms plus trouble sleeping at night, falling asleep during the day, muscle spasms, muscle stiffness, heavy fuzzy feeling, blank state of mind, no feeling, loss of perception, blurred/foggy vision, and many more.

 

Severe Fatigue - Symptoms and self-care - Surviving Antidepressants

 

Brain Fog: Blank mind, comprehension, cognitive and memory problems

 

Important topics about symptoms, including sleep problems

 

When you have a question or comment about a specific symptom, supplement or treatment, please search to see if we already have a related topic, we usually do.  Then you can benefit from previously collected information and add to the discussion.

 

The best way to search this site for specific information  is to use google. Type in survivingantidepressants.org then the symptom, treatment, supplement or information you wish to search for.

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Pearlsky

Hi again,

Many of my symptoms have not improved. I stopped taking multivitamins and B12 and have changed the magnesium I had been taking because the last one caused me stomach cramps and diahrea. I take singulair for allergies, slow fe for anemia, vitamin d supplements for a vitamin d deficiency, and magnesium for the hope my symptoms will improve.

 

I'm very confused all the time and don't know what to do anymore. I find myself waking up several times a night still, and when this happens, my head and body are spasming. When I fall asleep, my head also jerks every which way, but this has been happening for a little over a year. Daily, I deal with heart papltations, fearfulness, stiff muscles, tingling all over, head swarming & heavy feeling, faintness, overwhelming dizziness & fatgue, weakness, disconnection from the world, trouble processing what I see & hear, and short term memory loss. When I do things, I'm mindlessly going through the motions. When I walk, my muscles are very stiff especially in my feet, and combined with the other symptoms, it's all a discomfort.

 

My doctors like to tell me this is all from depression but I just know it can't be. I'm frustrated and so confused. Everyday I dream of the day I am well and out of this. There have been a few days in the past few weeks that I felt like I was improving, but the next day I almost always got worse.

 

Since it's been warm, I spend a few hours in the sun 2-3 days a week. I feel so good while I'm sitting in the sun, but I've noticed how it drains me of energy. I've suntanned every summer for six years and I get used to the heat and humidity pretty easily as it often reaches 90 degrees where I live so it's really hard to go inside after a short time because it feels so good. I don't know if this might be making it worse or not. I can't seem to figure anything out.

 

Despite everything, I'm more relaxed than I was about my symptoms, and just like always, some days are harder than others. There has been a great improvement in my obsessions/delusions and I hardly ever get upset about them anymore. In a short amount of time just a few weeks ago, I gained control over them and they have stayed in the back of my mind. Occasionally, they threaten to come back, but for the most part, I have avoided them. Another improvement lately is when the depression episodes occur, they are very brief. The same worries that caused me misery three months ago no longer do today.

 

I really hope I am getting better but it is still so very hard to deal with everything when nothing feels right. I really appreciate all the helpful answers.

-Pearlsky

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Kookaburra

Hey Pearlsky

 

Have read your story with interest and I feel for you. My story is different to yours and the symptoms not as severe but still terrifying at times. I went through the worst of my withdrawal without knowing what it was but sure that AD's were not the answer. They may give short term relief but dealing with anxiety and depression for most people can be managed naturally in my opinion. Unfortunately the medical profession don't understand or listen and I sometimes think that you need to have suffered and managed depression to advise others.

 

I know it's hard when you are feeling your worst but walking daily is one of the best things you can do in my opinion, it becomes addictive after a while.

 

Things will get better  :) there's nothing surer.

 

You have a great writing style, maybe you can tell your story one day?

 

Good luck on your journey.

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joy2730

I see some similarities between some parts of my own history and yours.

 

You have mentioned your menstrual period - I always suffered PMT and period pains, every 3 weeks as I had a very short menstrual cycle and they dragged me down terribly.  My GP wouldn't let me go on the contraceptive pill as I was on antidepressants (old fashioned type), and looking back I wish I had been on it.

 

Women now have so many more contraceptive choices that may help your hormones, some of which actually stop periods, and this may help you, if you want to go down that route.

 

Sometimes women's hormones can literally drive them crazy, and this is surely worth looking into.

 

Some women have been diagnosed with bipolar etc mistakenly when it had been hormone problems.

 

My own depression/anxiety only stopped after my last period when I was 50 approx. and since then I have felt a lot better and got off a lot of my meds.  You have approx. 30 years of periods in front of you - give it some thought

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Pearlsky

Hello,

It's been 6 months since I cold-turkeyed and I still feel rough.

 

I still like to think I am mentally ill. I can be unpredictable sometimes with my mood changes and actions. I'm never sure how I'm feeling and it's hard to make judgements on what I do. I feel depressed again but it feels like it's hiding behind the fog of my brain and I can never be sure. I have panic attacks sometimes when I go to public social settings, but I know to be still and relax until they pass.

 

I can't stop focusing on myself and since withdrawal started, I feel like there's a devil inside me and I feel a constant urge to let it be known. I keep looking back at my past and focusing on the negative parts and find myself feeling depressed. I think I am making my past into something it's not as I am disconnected from myself and my life prior to withdrawal. Things that never worried me before I now obsess over and try to find something in everything to make me look "bad" and contribute to the devil inside me. I get terrifying vivid nightmares that give me ill feelings of a sedated life because I am "bad". I fear this will never go away and worry that if I'm obsessing over this kind of stuff now, what will my future look like? It's tough not to feel hopeless.

 

I've been wondering if there's anything I can change to feel better? Is singulair okay to take? Is it okay to keep taking vitamin D3 since I have a defiency? I don't want to keep having to feel miserable if there's a simple fix I can do for now.

 

The positive I have to say is my physical symptoms have improved, but that might be because my mind is a wreck right now and I can't focus on anything else. Also, my appearance is beginning to look better due to weight loss, but I still have a puffy face and swollen eyes.

 

- Pearksky

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joy2730

This site recommends fish oil and magnesium but overwhelming the requirement seems to be time and/or reinstatement at a small dose.

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Pearlsky

I'm suffering badly from weakness. I went two days without eating or drinking much of anything and walked 3 miles both days. I also didn't sleep one night. This was something I had to do but it's messed me up bad. Now two days later, I have completely weak and stiff muscles, my mind won't think, my memory is more poor(I can only know the present), and I have miserable fatigue again. I'm completely out of it 24/7. I can't bear this and I'm freaking out. I don't currently go to any doctor based on my personal situation right now and I want to know will I be ok again soon. I've had problems with no nerve feelings/tingling for weeks now and I'm in pain from a weak nerve feeling and noise makes it worse. I've been crying uncontrollably from the uncomfortable pain.

 

Before this happened, I was getting bursts of emotion so strong it was painful - happy, sad, angry, and everything in between and they seemed to change every hour. I had gotten into a terrible mental state for a week right after another thing happened out of my control. It was very difficult to get through. I couldn't see the world, couldn't look at screens without getting sick, couldn't hear music, couldn't have lights on, ect. My compulsive behavior suddenly got dramatically worse as well.

 

I don't know if I've made myself worse from the two days I didn't take care of myself, and on top of all this, I'm sunburned all over. My head has been feeling as heavy as a bowling ball. I've felt so lightheaded I sometimes fall into things. I don't like not being able to do as many things as I please, and I'm always ready for sleep. Will I ever get better?

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scallywag

Sounds like the best thing to do is self-care -- rest, gentle stretching, staying out of the sun, soothing lotions (aloe vera) and baths (baking soda was one of my Mom's sunburn treatments), rehydrating yourself, and of course time.  You'll move through this.

 

You've probably learned somethings about pushing yourself too far. It might be useful to note those as well as what prompted you to take on more walking than usual with minimal food and water consumption.

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Pearlsky

I'm in a poor mental state. My words and actions feel forced, like they're not there. The world doesn't feel real, and I feel artificial. The world is terrible, and everything in it is very upsetting and has terrifying hidden meanings. I can't look at the world from a normal perspective because I'm never really seeing anything. I feel nothing for anything, and it's a struggle to get through every day. The only two things I've found to be beneficial are music and sunshine because little else feels normal. I panic a lot, hoping I won't lose my mind. I'm going away to a university next month and everybody expects me to be ready, but reality is so overwhelming. I wouldn't be worried if it wasn't so soon because I don't feel time anyhow, but a lot is expected of me from my family.

 

I feel terribly sick both mentally and physically. I wear out quickly and have little energy. I have trouble thinking and often desperately search for my voice to convince myself my mind isn't gone. Although I have no emotion, I find myself feeling depressed because I feel like my life is gone. I've forgotten my life's memories, and what I do remember is all bad. I dream of living in another reality, a reality where everything feels good and normal, and I feel a sickening deep pang of sadness. I feel deep rooted anger for a lot of things, and find myself exploding before I can catch myself. I blame myself for so many things because I don't understand how I can't control myself. My thoughts are obsessive, especially of my entire withdrawal experience. I stay confused and can't keep up with my own mind.

 

I am derealized and depersonalized. I feel like I'm looking over myself as if I'm not in my body. I'm afraid of myself for the things I mindlessly do and looking in the mirror at the person doing them. When I look at pictures of myself, I feel like I'm looking at a different person. When I see pictures of myself I know were when I was taking the antidepressants, I am struck with horror. I feel distanced from people. I feel as though it's only myself in the world, and when I hear about other people, they are on the other side of the glass wall. It's not until I go out that I'm able to see there is a world of people. I'm not able to stay long, however, because I become overwhelmed quickly and am reminded how terrible the world is. I can't take many sights, sounds, smells, ect.

 

I have trouble sleeping, and go back and forth between getting very little sleep and sleeping too much. Sleep doesn't feel real to me just like everything else, and I am always fortunate when I am tired enough to sleep through my head jerking. It wakes me up throughout the night. I also get strange feelings in my sleep and upon waking up. Once lately, I woke up and felt like my mind and body were swapped. On the nights when my mind is wide awake, I do random things that somehow end up lasting all night.

 

Please help. I'm very afraid I'm losing my mind and don't know if I'll ever get it back.

- Pearlsky

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scallywag

Pearlsky, I'm sorry to read that you're going through such a difficult time. DP/DR are very disconcerting for those who experience it. Have you read our topic on Depersonalization and/or derealization (DP/DR).  Others who are dealing with this sometimes post in that thread.

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Pearlsky

I feel like my days now are only bad. I started getting worse in June, and I can feel myself getting worse even now. I can't recall the last time I could feel anything physically or mentally. I hardly ever cry anymore as I feel no emotion. There has to be a good reason, and even then it barely lasts a minute and it feels like I have to squeeze the tears out.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. My anxiety has become worse, and I feel so depersonalized I feel like I'm acting out actions for the person I lost. I don't know who I was before withdrawal. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I have to make it up to that person and I feel like I can never do a good enough job. I feel guilty for every little thing I do or don't do. With the anxiety also comes hot flashes.

 

I think my mind isn't working. I can't ever tell what I'm thinking or feeling anymore, and I frequently talk to myself which I direct to God or my cat (I feel no connection to anyone even if they're in the same room as me). It freaks me out but I can't stop. I forgot what life is all about, and I don't know of anything to spend my time doing anymore. It's all about getting through the days now.

 

My moods seem to change multiple times a day which take me by surprise, and I feel like I have multiple personalities. There is the "normal me" (the one I'm most comfortable with), the "angry me" (I do things out of anger I later regret), the "weird me" (this new part of me I've never seen before), the "silly me" (where I laugh hysterically at myself or nothing in particular), and the "dirty me" (I become involved with my fetish). I also randomly get restless energy that makes me run around and do things at lightning speed. I constantly scare myself and stay in a state of panic.

 

I don't remember dealing with insomnia this bad since early withdrawal. For a long time, I only dealt with insomnia some nights - now it's most nights. When this first got worse in June, I only slept a few hours for weeks. I'm sleeping through the night more often now, but it only happens one night at a time, two at the most before I'm thrown into insomnia again. On those nights, I usually stay awake a few hours and sleep a few hours, unable to fall asleep again.

 

I believe the symptoms that make up my days now are being repeated from some time in the recent past. The mental ones - brain fog, confusion, inability to form thoughts, memory loss, emotionally detached, ect. - are steadily getting worse while the physical ones are steadily getting better. I've found my body is better able to tolerate walking/running, but it's difficult to plan time doing it because of the mental barrier I feel. I feel like I'm unable to do anything anymore.

- Pearlsky

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Pearlsky

I am so far out mentally I'm afraid I'll never be able to go on in this life. Everyone is so normal and I'm nowhere close to normal and am very painfully reminded of that when I go out in public.

 

It's overwhelmingly depressing to look back at my life. I long to be that person again. Everything I do is simply going through time; there is nothing left for me. I feel nothing inside me, and I think my nerves are gone. All I have now are restless thoughts. As soon as I try to be positive about everything, something drastic always happens and I'm thrown down even further than before.

 

My compulsive behavior and its overwhelming urges are still very much there. It's one of the many things that make my world terrible. The worst thing about it is I can't handle references from people which is naturally going to happen all the time. It's too much for me to take to the point of giving me nausea. Sometimes I break down in front of people.

 

Days and nights make no difference to me; I still receive no rest. That alone is making me worse and worse. I'm extremely too distracted by every little thing to go to sleep. I never feel "safe" enough to go to sleep and I can't keep my eyes closed for long. My mind is disconnected from my body, my mind is always fully awake while my body is exhausted. The only sleep I'm getting now is when I automatically fall asleep but I wake up only a few hours later wide awake once again.

 

I am so seperated from reality in fact, I am living in a fantasy world. Every night (and morning) is different. For example, last night I ran from a space ship. I *feel* reality a different way every day/night/hour. Some moments are worse than others. But it's always better than going out in the world with my already terribly distorted perception of reality. I can't take this much longer !

 

I don't know what is wrong with me or how to help myself anymore. It's very difficult to live this way and I have nobody but myself whom I don't wish to be responsible for. Any help is appreciated.

 

 

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scallywag

Pearlsky, humans have a tendency to idealize the good aspects of the past. This tendency can be exaggerated in withdrawal, especially once we realize the trap we fell into with these medications.  I've got news for you: you at 20 wouldn't be the same person you were at 15 anyway without psych meds! The years from puberty to about 25 are a time of growth and change.  Please don't pine for the teen you used to be; put your time, thought, and energy into the person you are now and the life you have now. 

 

Look at steps you can take forward to the life you want to build for yourself.  Sometimes those steps are small ones: I had a time where it was a daily accomplishment to make from lying in my bed all day to moving to the living room and lying on the sofa instead of the bed. I graduated to bigger distances and longer times being vertical and actually moving about in the world with other people, something that was unimaginable for me when I was "captive" in my bedroom. 

 

Difficult phases and times come and go.  You will get through this one to a "window" then have more and longer windows.

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Pearlsky

Thank you, scallywag. Your response means a lot to me. 

 

Change is hard and scary for me especially since I have Asperger's syndrome. I'm doing this all by myself without any help because nobody I'm around understands me and I have chosen to tune them out.

 

It gets crazy sometimes when I'm alone and have too much time to think. I have to refocus over and over again when I know things are going too far. It gets pretty frustrating and I truly hope I get out of this soon.

 

Once again, thanks for the response.

-Pearlsky

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Pearlsky

The nightmare continues to unfold upon me as I remain merely existing. I can't bear this torture. It is always questionable if I am here.

 

While my physical health is noticeably improving, my mental health is still getting worse. It continuously goes up and down, and the downs are horrors. It's very difficult to understand what's going on inside me because it's rapidly changing. I'm sleeping more now, but it still doesn't feel real. I don't even know when I'm doing it.

 

I have lost all my reasoning. My mind is a disaster and a horrible place to be in. Most of the time I don't feel like it's there. I went almost a week believing again I was an alien meant to save the planet and started acting it out. Whatever I imagine becomes my reality and it is the worst thing possible because I really have to convince myself it's not once I realize it.

 

I forgot what life is and what it feels like to be human. I no longer feel like I have a body rather that I'm floating in a nonexistent world. It no longer makes a difference to me whether or not I'm wearing clothes. I have no idea who I am. I've lost everything I knew that was a part of me. I am pretending to be a person.

 

I cannot connect to anyone and somehow get through conversations if people initiate them. Otherwise when I talk it's to myself even though I don't really hear anything. The only ones I have left are God and my cat. My cat loves to cuddle with me and purr which is comforting. I don't know of anything in the world. My mind cannot wrap itself around the concept of life or the things in it. I have trouble interpeting anything.

 

There is one thing I'm hesitant to reveal that's been troubling me since I'm in withdrawal. Back when I was doing better mentally, a close family member passed away. Shortly after, I saw her spirit in a dream and connected with my ancestors. I've had similar dreams before but never told anyone. I don't understand why this had to happen in the middle of withdrawal. I keep losing my focus on getting better and the facts of the dream become my actual reality. I feel extremely confused. I don't know how soon this will get better.

 

Thank you for all who are helping me. This is not easy for me, and my mind is so warped I cannot think right.

-Pearlsky

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ShakeyJerr
1 hour ago, Pearlsky said:

I'm constantly afraid I'm sinning and the Lord is angry at me.

 

Pearlsky - know this for certain - The Lord loves you. He has already forgiven your trespasses. We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God. But what you are going through right now is not a sin. You are indeed having neuro-emotions. But God is a healer. He is here for you. He will help you recover. Stay close to Him. He is faithful and true.

 

I am praying for you.

 

SJ

Edited by scallywag
split from neuro-emotions topic; god talk

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Pearlsky
24 minutes ago, ShakeyJerr said:

 

Pearlsky - know this for certain - The Lord loves you. He has already forgiven your trespasses. We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God. But what you are going through right now is not a sin. You are indeed having neuro-emotions. But God is a healer. He is here for you. He will help you recover. Stay close to Him. He is faithful and true.

 

I am praying for you.

 

SJ

Thank you so much, SJ. This made me smile.

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ShakeyJerr
3 minutes ago, Pearlsky said:

Thank you so much, SJ. This made me smile. The problem I'm having right now is I don't feel a connection with Him like I always have. I'm having a hard time mentally with withdrawal.

 

Pearlsky - let's take this discussion over to the thread for prayer going forward, so this thread remains more focused on neuro-emotions.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5849-lets-pray-for-one-another/

 

SJ

 

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Pearlsky

My memories - mostly of my childhood pre-drugged life are coming back to me in a flash of images and feelings and at a rapid pace for 24 hours a day. In them, I get a rush of "good" feelings as well. It's kind of confusing right now because they don't feel strung together. I'm still a bit afraid I'm losing my mind though because there are some moments I don't feel here. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I am bursting over the top with giddy emotion a lot now. I don't know what's going on with me. Are any of these good signs?

 

Also, the "pinched nerves" feeling and my anxiety are much better. I have this new symptom though where it feels like an air conditioner is blowing freezing cold air at me on full blast. I get cold all over but especially in my feet. It happens multiple times a day. Before, I just had hot flashes. Anyone heard of this?

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powerback
33 minutes ago, Pearlsky said:

My memories - mostly of my childhood pre-drugged life are coming back to me in a flash of images and feelings and at a rapid pace for 24 hours a day. In them, I get a rush of "good" feelings as well. It's kind of confusing right now because they don't feel strung together. I'm still a bit afraid I'm losing my mind though because there are some moments I don't feel here. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I am bursting over the top with giddy emotion a lot now. I don't know what's going on with me. Are any of these good signs?

 

Also, the "pinched nerves" feeling and my anxiety are much better. I have this new symptom though where it feels like an air conditioner is blowing freezing cold air at me on full blast. I get cold all over but especially in my feet. It happens multiple times a day. Before, I just had hot flashes. Anyone heard of this?

Hi I'm getting a lot of these flashing images all the time ,much more negative than positive but its very interesting all the same .

good your anxiety better .

I think with all past memories emotions come back also and I'm having a hard time navigating this so be watchful .

take care PB

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Pearlsky

I had negative images for a while and they became less negative overtime. Now I'm seeing more positive but of course there's a bit of sadness for what used to be. I didn't recognize them as memories at first because they weren't trustoworthy and instilled sharp fear. Now I trust them more as they are more positive. Music makes the memories and feelings come back much faster and stronger I find so I routinely play music I know I used to love. It's pretty exciting. I wish you the best, PB.

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powerback

thanks pearlsky same to you

PB

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LexAnger

Pearl sky, just stopping by. I'm happy for you that things are changing for better! It is the hardest journey no doubt and I'm sorry for all your suffer! Things will continue change for better even it can be confusing sometimes going back at times. Just have faith that we will all heal eventually giving time.

 

hugs,

lex

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Pearlsky

Today I'm filled with worry, fear, guilt, and more of the empty feeling. Does anyone know if it makes a difference the type of food I eat during withdrawal? I'm still dependent on my parents who make all my choices including grocery store trips. (They've always been controlling.) I've wanted to eat a healthy diet for a long time but we're low on funds. I'm continuing to lose weight, but my food choices revolve around processed, sugary foods. I'm also mentally "stuck" and college is in less than two weeks. I'm afraid if I stay in this mental state, I won't be able to go. I don't know what to do because I can't feel reality. I'm so tired.

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Pearlsky

Please excuse my last post. I am doing better. I get confused sometimes due to short term memory problems.

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Pearlsky

My memory has been declining even more and I've lost all sense of my past. I've lost all sense of myself and I feel nonexistent. I've been worried how I will make it through this. I feel "dead" and feel as though any action I make is by a different person. I've become emotionless. I am completely disconnected from the world and people.

 

My crazy and deluded thoughts have been subsiding, but I'm left with an utter blank mind feeling. It's almost unbearable. I don't know my person. I can't have thoughts and I don't feel when I'm performing actions. I feel like I'm only living inside my mind. Even my breathing and beating heart feel separated. I get confused any time I look in the mirror or pictures of myself because I don't know what I look like. Noises, movement, lights, perception, smells, etc. are a pain to tolerate.

 

i just feel lost. I'm not sure how I will keep living now. I feel more dead than alive. I'm afraid I've been irresponsible for going through withdrawal alone at my young age. I've had no choice but to hold off my education because of my state. I feel like nothing exists so I don't know what to make of my life anymore.

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kangamangus

Hey Pearlskey,

     Sorry you're feeling so bad. Sounds like you are having really bad DP/DR, and I can relate to that. About a month ago I was deep in the the throws of DP/DR. Nothing seemed real to me, my actions seemed like they were done by someone else, and I felt completely disconnected. I am so sorry you are going through this, I know how scary and confusing it is. You haven't been irresponsible, just like all of us on this site you were doing the best you could with what you knew at the time. What was irresponsible to me was how your doctors handled your meds, especially at such a young age. Again I am so sorry you have been subjected to this hell, you don't deserve it. None of us do. All you can do right now is hold on and hope that it passes soon. In the mean time I will be thinking about you and wishing the best for you. Hang in there.

 

Kang

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