Pearlsky: Introduction

[Pearlsky]

UPDATE: TWO YEARS COLD TURKEY

 

Many of my physical symptoms are gone. They include racing/slowed down heart, numbness esp. in my fingers and toes, dizziness, tight chest and throat, and weak muscles.

 

All along it’s been the mental symptoms that torture me the most. I still have depersonalization and derealization and brain fog and I have trouble staying still. Also I know not to eat too much sugar because it still causes me to have adrenaline rushes. 

 

As time has gone on, it’s become harder and harder to organize my thoughts and put them into words. My very thinking ability itself has been changing and that has enabled me to put positive thinking into practice. I’m feeling better these days and I am hopeful the end is near.

 

The nights of insomnia are getting to be less and less. My anxiety is down significantly from where I started. Many of my childhood memories before the drugs have returned and the psychological pain is better. I’ve been getting more and more of a “good” feeling like pleasure. I wouldn’t quite call it pleasure, but it beats the total empty feeling I’ve had for so long. I’ve managed to put on a bit of weight but nothing noticeable yet. Every month I see improvement. I look forward to more healing.

 

[Gridley]

Great update, Pearlsky!  Very encouraging.

[Pearlsky]

I feel like maybe I’m not the best judge of how I’m feeling/doing. I tend to think I’m better than I really am when I’m in a window because it feels so great to finally have relief but then a wave comes again before I know it and I’m suffering terribly once again. It seems like these waves last forever and the windows are very short-lived and infrequent. Despite how long-lived this experience has been so far, I have not figured out what I can do to ride out the waves. My mind stays in a constant state of chaos and I can’t keep up with my “self” as it’s always changing. I drive myself crazy obsessing over symptoms and I still feel deep and powerful psychological pain from having missed out on the experiences growing up. 

 

My family does not help me at all. They hold onto the belief that I need the medicine to function in life but I’m long past believing that as the answer. What makes it even worse is I’ve lost connection with human beings and forgot how to communicate like I used to. I don’t remember my past or my relation with my family. Attempting to conversate with them is too stressful. I live with them but I’m far away on another planet and can’t see them. When I’m in a wave and act in a way they don’t like, they tell me it’s because I need my medicine and even threaten to get a court order for me to take it. I thought I was an adult? I’m 22.

 

I’m depending on healing from withdrawal to help me out of my situation. I do not believe I could have become independent if I had stayed on the drugs and I wish my family could see that. It wasn’t even until after I got off the drugs that I fully realized I’m in charge of my life and can make my own decisions. I don’t feel like I’ve been here since childhood and I’m waking up to a whole different world now. I’ve been undergoing a major transformation and feeling closer to myself but it’s painfully slow. I’m anxious to recover and live out my dreams. I want to feel happiness and be free of the depression I endured all those years once and for all. 

[Altostrata]

Pearl, that's characteristic of waves, they're so discouraging. See

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Are We There Yet? How Long is Withdrawal Going to Take?

 

"Is it always going to be like this?"

 

The importance of recognizing you're feeling good

 

Creating a new self after withdrawal

 

Protracted Withdrawal or PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome)

 

What does healing from withdrawal syndrome feel like?

 

Withdrawal dialogues & encouragement

 

 

[Pearlsky]

Update: Three Years Cold Turkey

 

I’d hoped that I would have seen more improvement by now. I’ve lost my ability to think at all like I used to could so that’s why I haven’t been making any posts lately. I’m still dealing with a lot of the same symptoms and I’m currently feeling discouraged. I still have severe brain fog, depersonalization, derealization, no feelings, no pleasure, adrenaline rushes, and anxiety. I’m still dysfunctional and can’t think of anything to do to pass the time. I can’t even watch TV because I get what I’m watching confused with reality and it’s very disturbing.

 

As discouraged as I feel, there have been improvements I can’t ignore. I have less trouble sleeping. My head doesn’t jerk the way it did, but now I experience buzzing behind my eyes as I’m waking up from sleep. However, I’m able to sleep longer and more deeply now. The adrenaline rushes happen more infrequently, are less severe, and don’t last as long as they used to. I find myself getting angry less often and when I do, I get over it quickly. I used to have really bad rages but the anger I get now is nothing compared to before. The weird thoughts/feelings I’d get are almost gone, too. I didn’t even know they weren’t me. Although I’d still say I’m apathetic, I’m able to cry when I want to with ease most of the time now and there are some brief moments where I feel waves of pleasure or chills for something but they always stop short and I go back to feeling numbness.

 

I’m undergoing very uncomfortable changes which I believe is the transition from childhood to adulthood. I never became comfortable with growing out of childhood and I feel like I’m making up for what I missed psychologically now since I stopped the medicine that apparently froze my psyche. Even though I’m 23 this is truly the first time I’ve ever experienced anything independently and I feel terrified and incapable of handling this. I recall being very sensitive as a child and I feel like I’m the last person this should have happened to. The pain of missing out on the experiences growing up is a lot less but I’m still left feeling vulnerable.

 

I spend much of my time obsessing over this and wondering when I’m ever gonna feel better. I can’t seem to control it. I feel hopelessness and doubt that I’ll ever heal from this and be able to live the life I want. I don’t know how I’m even gonna survive this other than knowing that I just have to keep going. Now that I better remember my childhood life before the drugs, it really kills me seeing how this could have been preventable. I now fully realize that I have no blame for the way it happened. I still wish it hadn’t though. Regardless, I really hope I feel much better soon. I know that the bad days I experience now are still better than the bad days I experienced months ago so I do have enough reason for hope.