Jackson's story

[Jackson]

Hey there, I finally got around to making an intro post. I've been holding it off for so long, because of how painful it is to revisit everything I've been through, and I couldn't see how writing it with my very compromised cognitive skills would adequately describe my situation. But I will try anyway. I migrated here from "that other site", so some of you will know me already, as I go by the same username.

 

Introduction:

I got trapped in psychiatry at the age of 18. I was in my third and last year of Gymnasium (equivalent to US High Shool I believe), I was well adjusted socially with a fairly big network of friends and acquaintances, did incredibly well in school, was training breakdance on the side as a hobby, but also made some money by doing shows and performances all over the country, starred in a TVshow and commercial, teaching classes at a big danceschool, going to competitions with my crew, and training hard 4-6 times a week. I've been very physically active since age 5, and breakdancing was my passion. In my last year of Gymnasium, I went down with Stress. Had a lot of things going on both internally and externally, and I couldn't cope with it. So I spiraled slowly into a depressive state.

 

 

May 2007 - First psych

I broke down crying one night, and my parents realized something was wrong, so we ended up going to my doctor. After 15 mins of conversation, I made the worst mistake of my life: I agreed to take citalopram.

 

Was on it for 4 weeks with no effect, only sideeffects, like tinnitus. I was referred to a psychiatrist.

 

During the next 8 months, I was cycled on and off different drugs at this psych. He was a true pusher, he knew nothing about what he was doing. Back then, I thought I had a chemical imbalance, and that medicine was going to "fix it", because I was never awared that this chemical imbalance theory was propaganda from pharmaceutical industries. I was 18, had no experience with mental health problems, and had no history of depression or anything like that. I didn't even know what depression actually was, and why I had it (I only found out later), so I was naive enough to let him fill me with nasty drugs without really questioning.

 

In this 8 mont period I was on the following drugs (not all at the same time)

 

- Citalopram (SSRI)

- Fluoxetine (SSRI - Prozac)

- Zoloft (SSRI)

- Modafinil (stimulant)

- Edronax (NARI)

 

I developed many subtle side effects during this period, but it was all attribued to my "underlying condition" of depression. These were things like severe cognitive and memory issues, extreme lethargy, apathy and anhedonia. I slowly turned into a vegetable mentally. While before I got on the drugs I was still going to school, and going out, now I had become completely housebound. The modafinil was prescribed to combat the lethargy. I started developing light headpains and headpressure on the Edronax, as well as intolerance to exercise, severe anhedonia and apathy and sensitivity to temperature/light etc. We didn't suspect the meds at this point.

 

After 8 months of progressively getting WORSE, me and my family decided to change psychiatrists.

 

 

May 2008 - second psych

This new psych was one we had recommended from somewhere, and she immediately switched me to something "stronger" as she said to finally combat that "treatment resistant depression". She put me on Effexor. I was on it for 2 months with constantly increasing dosage, until I reached max dosage. I got worse, and at this point, I had been housebound for 1 year and had lost much of my normal mental and social functioning. When I peaked at 225mg, I had a realization in my drugged up foggy mind; what if my vegetable state was actually CAUSED BY THE DRUGS!? Suddenly thing started to make sense, and I made a rushed decision: I coldturkeyed the effexor without any medical supervision or advice.

 

In the first 12 hours after CT, I felt completely normal! My emotions were fine, lots of energy, feeling social, happy energetic, motivated, RECOVERED. But it was a short lasting celebration, because after 12 hours I crashed so hard it was unreal. The most intense agony and despair clouded my mind, a depression so overwhelming that I've never experienced anything like it. I could NOT talk or communicate, I was in fetal position. I had parkinsonian muscle cramps and spasms, I had this wierd sensation that every time I moved my eyes left and right in their sockets, a bolt of electricity would emit from the top of my head and spark down throughout my body. Consistently. I had to move my entire head if I wanted to look to the sides. My brain was literally BURNING.

 

Since we had never been informed about these drugs causing dependancy and withdrawal, we knew nothing about it. So we called up our psychiatrists for an urgent meeting, but she was on vacation! We had to meet with her colleague instead. When we got in the office we explained what had happened, and he gave me a Hamilton depression scale to fill out. I filled it out in 20 seconds, scored 10 in severity in all categories, and this psychiatrist saw that he had to do something. SO HE PRESCRIBED ME A TRICYCLIC DRUG. Looking back now a few years later, this right here should be punishable as a criminal act. So even though I already had decided I wanted to get off the drugs, my state at that time was so miserable, that I had to be on SOMETHING to not kill myself.

 

Within 20 minutes of ingesting the first pill of the tricyclic drug nortriptyline, all of the massive symptoms abated, but I went back to being a vegetable. My condition was stable, but I was still completely nonfunctional. How could this be just Depression, when these symptoms disappeared after 20 minutes? Something didn't make sense.

 

This is when I started doing some research. I found out about withdrawal, and what I had experienced during cold turkey of effexor was not a "relapse" as I was wrongly told, it was a severe withdrawal reaction. I realized the vegetative state that I had been in for the past 2 years was not depression either, it was caused by mental numbing of psychoactive drugs. I discovered that the reason I was depressed to begin with, was due to emotional stress and negative thought loops (I can make a topic about this later), and I discovered how psychiatry was just one big massive fraud.

 

28th of October 2008

Nortriptyline dosage increased. This was Apocalypse. Something inside my head, literally burst. Exploded. I instantly knew something terrible terrible had happened that day. I started panicking. My brain was an open gushing wound. Massive stabbing pains had started. I felt like acid was being poured into my head. I was overwhelmed by massive symptoms immediately. Dry mouth, stomach problems, sleep problems, toilet problems, nausea, shocks, spasms and the list goes on. Something had popped, my nervous system had given in. This is the day I had the adverse reaction. It felt like, I had been turned inside out. Everything was wrong. Horrible sensations, and mentally I cant even describe it.

 

I knew I had to CT off the nortriptyline. The damage had been done. So I stopped it. That same night, I'm pretty sure I had a delirium. Sleep and waking became blurred and like one of the same I was in this waking dreamworld. Really trippy.

 

I made an appointment with my psychiatrist that next day, and she said "It was nothing dangerous, it would fade after a few weeks maximum". That was the last appointment I had with her. I fired her and never went back there.

 

This is the introduction to my story. Now the following 3 years from October 2008 until today November 2011 is what I call my recovery period or post-drug period. This has been perhaps just as, if not more, turbulent as the drugging phase, but it has been my struggle to find hope and make sense of what has happened to me. I will try to write out the main points later, also as a reference for myself to see what I have been through up until today.

[Altostrata]

An impressive introductory post by someone whose brain is occupied by mashed potatoes!

 

Jackson, you know from reading here that many people have similar histories. Don't blame yourself.

 

Clearly, you are another person whose nervous system does not get along with these drugs.

 

I can imagine, you are so young, you are anxious that you will never have a normal life again. But you will. Hang in there.

[Jackson]

Post-reaction

The following 3 months after my reaction, I was dead sick. Mostly physically. I was bedridden. I had thought this would be over within a month, and I'd go back to feeling normal again, like my old self. It didn't happen. And now I had no one to go to for advice. I contacted a well renowned psychiatrist and MD from a private hospital, Nicolas Hasle, for an opinion. I met with him in January 2009. He told me he didn't know much about it, and that my situation was unusual. He said it would likely subside within 6 months. That was all he gave me.

 

 

Jan 2009 - Still desperate for answers, in the end of January I admitted myself to a nearby psychiatric emergency room requesting a specialist. I stayed there 2 nights, and spoke with a host of doctors, including an MD (Signe Bruntse, John Lysdal, Lone Baandrup, Michael Von Buchwald). No one really believed my story, so they wanted to figure out what could be causing my symptoms. They thought it could be the start of mental illness, so they noted me and they sent me home.

 

 

March 2009 - In continuation of the emergency room visit, they had set up a meeting for me with a psychosis expert, to clear up any signs of beginning psychosis. I sat down 3 hours with a nice lady called Lise Mondrup, answering hundreds of questions in this interview style examination. She declared that I had no real signs of psychosis, and no further action was taken. She offered me a follow-up visit 6 months later if things turned worse, but since I was looking for answers and drug specialists I declined. Around this time was when I found Paxil Progress, and really started learning about what these drugs were capable of, and that I could be in for a loooong ride before getting better.

 

April 2009 - I woke up one morning early in april with the most violent internal restlessness I had ever experienced. It was a feeling of intense physical discomfort radiating from brain and throughout the body, which caused me so much agony that I immediately went to my doctor. I couldn't sit still or lie down, and I had to keep pacing around. This feeling was also accompanied by very bad suicidal thoughts. I learned shortly after from PP that this was called Akathisia. Things had taken a turn for the worse. My doctor didn't do anything else than tell me to "go home and relax", but I could see that she seemed worried about my state. I went home again, but the same night I called my dad who drove me back to the psychiatric emergency room.

 

Psychiatric ward, Start april to end may.

I spent a month in the hospital at the open psychiatric ward, with supervision from several doctors ( MD:Poul Brix, John Lysdal, Peter Roos, MD:Mai-Britt Abel, Lone Baandrup, Mette Hedegaard Nielsen).

They gave me Oxazepam (short acting benzo) to deal with the akathisia. This was the only thing that could milden the symptoms and the intense restlessness. I took it about once a day. Meanwhile they tried to figure out what was wrong me, because they simply refused to believe that my symptoms was due to medications. I insisted that I was suffering from some type of prolonged withdrawal syndrome, but they denied that drugs could cause any harm, some even adamantly denied that antidepressants caused dependance or withdrawal of any type. wtf? In my journal, I can now read that they were discussing various diagnoses such as psychosis, skizophrenia, hortons headache, multiple sclerosis, even though I had clearly explained to them, that it was caused DIRECTLY as a result of taking their drugs. They simply wouldn't have it.

 

- I was ordered a CT scan, which came back normal.

- I sat down with a Schizophrenia specialist for a 4 hour video-interview (footage was so they could review the video with their colleagues and judge things on my behavior/demenor I guess), and the conclusion was, that there wasn't evidence for me being schizophrenic.

- I was supposed to go to a certain Oxygen chamber in case of Horton's headache (but I never went)

- They were about to order an MRI on me in case of multiple sclerosis (never happened)

 

After 1 month I realized they couldn't help me, and nobody there knew anything about damage from psychiatric drugs, so I went home. I only stayed home for 4 days, until I realized I wasn't safe at all (I was home alone most of the day while my mom was at work), so to not risk suicide I admitted myself to the ward again for a 2nd month. This time under a completely different set of doctors ( Zahra-Ziba-Eftekhari, Kamilla Hjelm, MD: Carsten Andersen, Janne Strange). I had to explain my situation AGAIN to ALL of them. I was so fed up.

 

After a total stay of 2 months in there, they approached me and told me "they couldn't do anything for me". I asked them how they were supposed to help me, and what I was supposed to do then? They basically told me, that if I did not undergo some sort of medical treatment, they could not keep a bed for me. They gave me an ultimatum; take an anti psychotic drug, or leave the hospital immediately. And that was the day I went home. Luckily about the same time, the akathisia had disappeared, so I didn't feel so unsafe at home. But still, I had gotten no further answers, no acknowledgement of my condition, no moral support or references to any specialist, and no suggestions on what I should do. Keep in mind, this was after talking with over 10 different doctors just in the hospital alone. All they gave me was a strong aversion towards psychiatry and the mental health system. I wanted to spit on them. They could cause so much damage to a person, and not take any responsibility. Let alone have the audacity to demand me to take an even more hazardous drug, despite what I had told them about my situation.

[Jackson]

May 2009

After coming home from the hospital, I had almost given up hope of ever finding someone in Denmark who would acknowledge my claims and my symptoms. I started taking refuge in information from PP, as it seemed like the only place on the web where people understood, and had others in similar situations. While searching for withdrawal articles on the web, I found an article about "withdrawal syndrome from TCA's" dated all the way back to 1998.

 

We have something in Denmark called "The Psychiatric Foundation". It is a large Private Humanitary Organisation consisting of psychiatrists and other mental health workers who try to improve the circumstances of mentally ill people in the country. The chairman for this organization is a very well known psychiatrist called Jes Gerlach. Basically, he is the most famous and respected psychiatrist in the country, and he has been the M.D. for the biggest mental hospital in Denmark for many years, as well as written and published books about psychiatric drugs. He has practiced psychiatry for decades, and is in his 70's I believe and still going strong. He was the author of the TCA withdrawal article.

 

Now I imagined, if anyone would know something about these drugs, THIS would be the guy.

So after leaving the hospital I asked for a consultation to him, and I had to wait 4 months in queue just to even talk to him.

When I finally got to see him, I explained my entire story with these drugs from scratch and what ill effects they had brought me, and how I become a vegetable after taking them etc.

 

He listened intently, and I can tell you now that he is a very nice and considerate man, who has a very sensible approach to mental health. But his response to my story was almost scary - he was basically shocked to hear what I was going through! He told me, that he had never seen a case like mine before, and claimed that it must be very very rare that these drugs cause such amount of damage that I had been inflicted.

 

(Please note, he never actually dismissed any of my claims, he did not try to push me drugs, he took and read the articles I gave him and for that I am very grateful)

 

However, it was a frightening realization, that even the most well-known and experienced psychiatrists you can possibly encounter can express total ignorance towards these problems. I still see him regularly to this day, with 1-2 months intervals and he is following my recovery. But every time I see him, I ask him questions and he answers truthfully.

 

I asked him if he was aware, that there was big support groups on the internet, with thousands of people suffering from the damages of these drugs similar to my own, and that he could go read about it right now?

 

Nope, he shaked his head in disbelief. He asked me if I could give him the internet address (to PP) and showed genuine concern about it.

 

I asked him if he knew, why I was experiencing nerve pains inside my frontal lobes after being off the drugs for 15 months. He said he had no idea.

 

I asked him what exact kind of damage I had been inflicted, and he admitted that he basically has no idea what the drugs do to the brain. (keep in mind, this guy has published books about these very drugs that are used for educational purposes in Denmark).

 

I asked him if he could give me an estimated time line for recovery. He said he had no idea, because he had never in his practice seen a patient with the severe side effects I was experiencing.

 

I asked him what I could do, to help recovery. He told me to AVOID DRUGS AT ALL COSTS, and try to get some gentle exercise to help brain chemistry.

 

Now I have seen him regularly for the past 2 years, and you can basically imagine what our conversations looks like at this point. He asks me if theres any improvement, and I say "maybe a little bit" and then thats it. He has no advice, no ideas, no insight or no experiences to share. So I end up bombarding him with questions but with no real answers.

 

How is this even possible? I am sitting in front of an extremely highly educated and experienced doctor, who's been practicing in the biggest mental hospital in the country for many many years, published books about antidepressents, wrote articles and participated in radioshows and interviews about psychiatry and mental health and is pretty much the public spokesperson for the largest psychiatric organization, and HE STILL ACTED LIKE HE HAD NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE MY CASE BEFORE. I couldn't, and still can't, wrap my head around that.

 

Note: some of these segments are copypasted from my old posts at PP, I know it's a littl bit lenghty, but I just wanted to get some important details included in my intropost as an ultimate reference for me, but also maybe some people can relate and find comfort in not being the only people with messed up experiences in the public health sector.

[Shanti]

Hi Jackson. Welcome to the forum. You've been through so much, and so young. I was at PP for a little bit, not long. I'm glad you found your way here.

[Jackson]

Symptoms

I wanted to make a comprehensive list of symptoms I have experienced as a result of my adverse reaction. Some of these symptoms were present while on the drugs, and some of them appeared immediately following the adverse reaction.

 

I have color coded them to easier understand which have abated, and which I still deal with.

 

Green text = completely resolved, or resolved as much as it's entirely or almost unnoticable

Orange text = Symptoms that is still plaguing me, but has seen some improvement

Red text = symptoms that have seen little to no improvement

 

Physical/Neurological

- Urinary retention

- Spontaneous nosebleeds

- Sickening nausea and vomiting

- Dry mouth, throat, eyes and skin

- Constipation

- Insomnia, and severely altered sleep regulation

- Nightsweats

- Burning sensations in the arms, back and neck

- Migraines

- Disturbing dreams on a regular basis

- Akathisia - feelings of extreme malaise and physical and mental restlessness/agitation (lifethreatening)

- Weakened senses, taste disturbances, vision problems (blurred vision and regulation of focus)

- Oversensitivity to heat, stress and graphical images as well as some supplements

- Musclespasms and tics in random muscles all over the body

- Electrical shocks sensations, surging through the head and/or body, often followed by cramplike movements

- Strangulating sensations in the head, feeling like my head is full of gas or that parts of my brain are made of stone or dry plaster

- Inability to do physical activity and excercise

- Pains when turning the eyes

- Anergy / debilitating fatigue. Being perpetually exhausted both mentally and physically

- Reduced libido and nonexistant sexdrive

- Sharp pains inside the head (stabbing and pressure sensations) in the frontal lobe area.

- Periods with extreme and seemingly random sleepyness

 

Cognitive

- Confusion

- Brain fog

- trouble organizing and gathering thoughts

- Loss of higher mental functions such as association and reminiscense in particular.

- Learning difficulties, and severely reduced ability to absorb and retain information

- Difficulty with planning and organizing

- Difficulty with filtering and processing information

- Inability to concentrate or focus

- Problems with word recall and sentence structure

- Memory problems, mostly working memory and recall of pre-drug events

- Reduced vigilance and alertness and trouble orientating myself when outside

- Severe communication problems, including but not limited to absence of emotional contact

- Bereavement of abstract and creative thinking

- No desire for self expression

- Trouble with decisionmaking, large as well as small scale

 

Emotional

- Bouts of extreme anger, often without any obvious external/internal trigger

- Tearfullness

- Random periods (lasting from hours to days) with depressive mood

- Intrusive thoughts about suicide and selfharm

- Complete anhedonia - inability to experience pleasure

- Inability to enjoy music and other positive stimuli

- A loss of personality and sense of self

- Severe apathy - total disinterest in everything, including personal hygiene, close familiy, relative, friends, holidays, world events.

- Depersonalisation - feeling of being disconnected from the world

 

Associated effects

- Straining of the back and neck areas, due to being disabled and immobilized for 4 full years, requiring regular chiropractic treatment as well as professional tissue massage.

- Bad dental hygiene with 2 infections and 3 toothpullings as a result

- Complete social isolation

- Reduced vision on both eyes (change; -2.0 Right, -1.0 left)

- Huge economical and emotional strain on my family by having a sick and disabled son for over 4 years

- General anxiety for medicine and medical procedures as well as other household products.

- Strong aversion towards psychiatry and to a lesser degree the public healthcare system

 

This is my updated list, and what I deal with from day to day.

 

The frontal lobe pains I am describing are very located and sharp, almost as if i'm being stabbed with a pin. There are 2 points; one in the left temple, and one in the forehead.

 

If visualized it would look something like this:

 

 

Quick drawing I made in paint. The two focused areas is where the pains radiate from. The pressure extends from one point to the other, over across the forehead, and somewhat down to the nose. The yellow indicates where I get electrical shocks. They are only in the temple, and only in the left side. I still get these electrical shocks pretty frequently at 36 months out.

 

I have tried various supplements such as magnesium, fish oil, multivitamins, c-vitamin but nothing seems to have any effect at all, and I lose motivation to take it.

 

I recently had a boost of D-vitamin supplements as well, due to low levels as shown in my recent blood-work. Normal values are between 50 and 200 nMol/L I believe, and mine was at 23. But that was also after being pretty much housebound and inactive for 4 years, so wasn't that strange. Over a period of 3 weeks, i shot up to 153, and I felt pretty much no difference at all in my condition/mood/symptoms, so I guess I've kinda given up hope in supplements altogether.

[Jackson]

An impressive introductory post by someone whose brain is occupied by mashed potatoes!

 

Jackson, you know from reading here that many people have similar histories. Don't blame yourself.

 

Clearly, you are another person whose nervous system does not get along with these drugs.

 

I can imagine, you are so young, you are anxious that you will never have a normal life again. But you will. Hang in there.

 

Thanks Alto, and yea I am terrified that I will never regain my personality again. Being able to experience life again. Being outside depresses me greatly, because everywhere I look I get reminded of all the things I am missing out on. Even watching youtube clips makes me depressed for the same reasons. Not knowing how long I will be a lifeless organism, not capable of being part of anything. It messes me up, and coping is very difficult.

 

 

Hi Jackson. Welcome to the forum. You've been through so much, and so young. I was at PP for a little bit, not long. I'm glad you found your way here.

 

Thanks for your reply Shanti, and yes it is terrifying that many other people have and are going through the same things I am. I just exist from day to day with ZERO quality of life, and have for soon 5 years. How can you live a life when you have no emotions, your sense of self and your personality is gone, and you are constantly confused, distraught and disconnected? It's impossible. I wonder how many peoples lives has been ruined the same way mine has, but who just hasn't spoken up or found these internet boards for support and being completely alone with this. That is scary.

[Claudius]

Hi Jackson, I remember you from PP. Maybe you will remember me as Dutchguy.

My story is not as scary as yours, but nevertheless many times I thought I would never make it out alive. I am now at 4 years after my last dose of PAxil and there is STILL recovery going on. We all know that psychiatry has nothing to offer to us, my opinion is that psychiatry is basically a pseudoscience, only comparable to the "witch hunting science" from the 16th and 17th century. Maybe even those witch hunters did actually believe in their own "science".

You current psychiatrist is at least right in one thing: never touvh any of those drugs again. And that makes him at least better than the merciless drug pusher most of them appear to be.

I know you still feel like crap, I did for a long time and even a few month ago I wrote a negative update. But last weeks things have inmproved again and I can work and study again. So there is hope even after 3-4-5 years.

[compsports]

Hi Jackson,

 

In reading the story about that well known psychiatrist who had never heard of someone having adverse side effects, I am not surprised.

 

This is obviously no way comparable to your situation but 5 years ago, I saw an allergist who was very well known in my area as he had VIPS for patients. When I complained that Allegra caused insomnia, he acted like he had never heard of that side effect even though it is well known.

 

WTF says me, this guy is very prominent and he is blowing me off on a well known side effect of a med? Unbelievable.

 

Stuart Shipko mentioned this in an interview with Peter Breggin which I think explains what happen to us and many people- Doctors no longer believe in med side effects and will blame the patient. And of course, this is worse with psych meds because when you have the so called "MI" label, you lose all credibility.

 

A situation that relates to this on the 1boring old man blog:

 

http://1boringoldman.com/index.php/2011/10/22/high-index-of-suspicion/

 

"Withdrawal syndromes are reported with all of the SSRIs, but I’ve only personally seen it happen with Paxil and Effexor.

Why am I writing about this? Because I’ve been called about two cases this month. In both cases, the diagnosis was missed, or at least minimized. In both cases, I knew the treating physician – both solid citizens. I think it’s one of those things that you learn to be vigilant about from having seen a case. I was lucky to see a case very early"

 

I commented by stating I don't think it had anything to do with Mickey, the psychiatrist, having seen a case very early. I felt because he had the mindset that meds can cause withdrawal symptoms, he would have recognized it in this case even if he hadn't seen one very early in his career.

 

By the way, I relate to your account of being put on all those drugs. That is what happened to me when seven psychiatrists didn't realize that the suicidal ideation I had suffered was due to being cold turkeyed off of Ritalin and Prozac after my dose had been doubled. Or they did realize it and didn't share that knowledge with me.

 

I am sorry you suffered so much. In reading your story, it seems you needed counseling and not drugs. It breaks my heart.

 

CS

[Jackson]

Hi Jackson, I remember you from PP. Maybe you will remember me as Dutchguy.

My story is not as scary as yours, but nevertheless many times I thought I would never make it out alive. I am now at 4 years after my last dose of PAxil and there is STILL recovery going on. We all know that psychiatry has nothing to offer to us, my opinion is that psychiatry is basically a pseudoscience, only comparable to the "witch hunting science" from the 16th and 17th century. Maybe even those witch hunters did actually believe in their own "science".

You current psychiatrist is at least right in one thing: never touvh any of those drugs again. And that makes him at least better than the merciless drug pusher most of them appear to be.

I know you still feel like crap, I did for a long time and even a few month ago I wrote a negative update. But last weeks things have inmproved again and I can work and study again. So there is hope even after 3-4-5 years.

 

Hey Dutchguy, yea I remember you Your rubix cube avatar always resonated with me, because it is such a perfect analogy for how recovery of the nervous system feels. You have to mess up current progress, to reach a final solution. That is exactly how these waves feel. I think this introduction post of mine also have a very depressive feel to it, because I am in a wave right now. And we all know how warped our minds become when we are in a bad wave

 

I agree with your view on psychiatry. It is indeed such a primitive way to deal with mental issues. In a decade or two from now, medicine will look back on these current drug treatments and go "What the hell!? We actually gave millions of people these toxins?". That is what I imagine at least. I'm very happy to hear that you are still seeing improvements that far out. I am also convinced that I am still healing, because there is constant moving, changing and activity in my brain and my symptoms. It is not static by any means. It is just so extremely slow and painful, that just living day to day waiting for that healing to happen is just inhumane. I sometimes wish I could be put into an artifical coma or something, and wake up when my brain has healed. I know that is not realistic by any stretch of the imagination, but it's just so hard to deal with being partially braindead and unable to partake in this experience we call life. For 5 years ive just been a spectator. How long until I decide to just quit hope altogether and end this miserable existence? I'm not sure. Maybe I would have done it long ago if I ever would have.

 

Hi Jackson,

 

In reading the story about that well known psychiatrist who had never heard of someone having adverse side effects, I am not surprised.

 

This is obviously no way comparable to your situation but 5 years ago, I saw an allergist who was very well known in my area as he had VIPS for patients. When I complained that Allegra caused insomnia, he acted like he had never heard of that side effect even though it is well known.

 

WTF says me, this guy is very prominent and he is blowing me off on a well known side effect of a med? Unbelievable.

 

Stuart Shipko mentioned this in an interview with Peter Breggin which I think explains what happen to us and many people- Doctors no longer believe in med side effects and will blame the patient. And of course, this is worse with psych meds because when you have the so called "MI" label, you lose all credibility.

 

A situation that relates to this on the 1boring old man blog:

 

http://1boringoldman.com/index.php/2011/10/22/high-index-of-suspicion/

 

"Withdrawal syndromes are reported with all of the SSRIs, but I’ve only personally seen it happen with Paxil and Effexor.

Why am I writing about this? Because I’ve been called about two cases this month. In both cases, the diagnosis was missed, or at least minimized. In both cases, I knew the treating physician – both solid citizens. I think it’s one of those things that you learn to be vigilant about from having seen a case. I was lucky to see a case very early"

 

I commented by stating I don't think it had anything to do with Mickey, the psychiatrist, having seen a case very early. I felt because he had the mindset that meds can cause withdrawal symptoms, he would have recognized it in this case even if he hadn't seen one very early in his career.

 

By the way, I relate to your account of being put on all those drugs. That is what happened to me when seven psychiatrists didn't realize that the suicidal ideation I had suffered was due to being cold turkeyed off of Ritalin and Prozac after my dose had been doubled. Or they did realize it and didn't share that knowledge with me.

 

I am sorry you suffered so much. In reading your story, it seems you needed counseling and not drugs. It breaks my heart.

 

CS

 

Hi CS. I actually heard that very same podcast with breggins and shipko and it really resonated with me. Why do we not have psychiatrists like this in my country!? Just some acknowledgement is all Im asking for. I aint getting any of it. And it is digusting that psychiatrists can do whatever the hell they want to your brain without being held responsible. The **** they get away with is absolutely ridiculous, and there is no possible way you can sue them for simply giving you ADs, because that is the friggin standard practice. Even though you took harm from it, the system just shrugs their shoulders, and pretend it didn't happen.

 

And yes indeed back when I first visited my doctor, all I needed was a week or two away from things, and perhaps a bit of therapy. And I would have been as good as new in no time at all. Was that my destiny altogether? 5 years of immense suffering, and me robbed a big part of my young adulthood? Im not sure, it is hard to make sense of it while you are still in the midst of it. Perhaps once Ive recovered it will be much easier for me to cope with it and see everything in a more positive and optimistc light. But im not there yet, and I do wonder if I will ever make it there.

[compsports]

""And yes indeed back when I first visited my doctor, all I needed was a week or two away from things, and perhaps a bit of therapy. And I would have been as good as new in no time at all. Was that my destiny altogether? 5 years of immense suffering, and me robbed a big part of my young adulthood? Im not sure, it is hard to make sense of it while you are still in the midst of it. Perhaps once Ive recovered it will be much easier for me to cope with it and see everything in a more positive and optimistc light. But im not there yet, and I do wonder if I will ever make it there"

 

Jackson, you're the judge of how you deal with this. If you continue to be negative, it would be totally understandable.

 

And allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel will probably lead to more positive feelings in the end.

 

CS

[Altostrata]

Jackson, I want to give you many, many thanks for going to the trouble of posting all that detail about your story, which is absolutely classic for someone experiencing prolonged withdrawal syndrome.

 

And brilliantly written, as well. This is a valuable testimony.

 

If it's acceptable to you, I'd like to point doctors towards this topic to raise their awareness.

 

Might I suggest you give Dr. Gerlach the papers associated with Papers about prolonged antidepressant withdrawal syndrome, Healy 2001 testimony about prolonged withdrawal syndrome, and Dr. David Healy on prolonged antidepressant withdrawal syndrome (2009)

 

Perhaps it will dawn on him this is not so very rare, but commonly misdiagnosed. For example, they were trying to force you to take an antipsychotic in the hospital. What did they think they were treating?

 

If it's any consolation to the people on this site (and I hope it is), I believe we're near the tipping point in awareness about prolonged withdrawal syndrome and other long-term adverse effects of these drugs.

 

I have no doubt at all that we will have the pleasure of seeing you gradually improve. Maybe very slowly, but eventually you will have your life back. In the meantime, do what you can. You are a person recovering from a terrible accidental injury. Enjoy being outside, try not to think about the frustration and disappointment.

[Lor95]

Hi Jackson,

I don't have anything especially insightful to contribute as I don't think I write as eloquently as others on this site, but just wanted you to know that I followed your story with interest and compassion on the other site, as I relate to you on so many levels.....and I'm so glad you are here.

Lor

xxx

[Jackson]

Jackson, I want to give you many, many thanks for going to the trouble of posting all that detail about your story, which is absolutely classic for someone experiencing prolonged withdrawal syndrome.

 

And brilliantly written, as well. This is a valuable testimony.

 

If it's acceptable to you, I'd like to point doctors towards this topic to raise their awareness.

 

Might I suggest you give Dr. Gerlach the papers associated with Papers about prolonged antidepressant withdrawal syndrome, Healy 2001 testimony about prolonged withdrawal syndrome, and Dr. David Healy on prolonged antidepressant withdrawal syndrome (2009)

 

Perhaps it will dawn on him this is not so very rare, but commonly misdiagnosed. For example, they were trying to force you to take an antipsychotic in the hospital. What did they think they were treating?

 

If it's any consolation to the people on this site (and I hope it is), I believe we're near the tipping point in awareness about prolonged withdrawal syndrome and other long-term adverse effects of these drugs.

 

I have no doubt at all that we will have the pleasure of seeing you gradually improve. Maybe very slowly, but eventually you will have your life back. In the meantime, do what you can. You are a person recovering from a terrible accidental injury. Enjoy being outside, try not to think about the frustration and disappointment.

 

Thanks a lot Alto, just having a place like this to share experiences means the world. Even though I have only recently started posting, believe me when I say I've avidly been reading most topics on here in the background, since March. There is so much information here that has helped me, and it is very therapeutic to reach other people experiencing many of the same things, with ignorant doctors, being lied to and so on. It has given me the strength to stand up against the system, and not waver in my beliefs. When I was in the hospital, I could feel some of the doctors were actually intimidated by my autonomy and confidence. I didn't just buy into their crap, and I think that is a big reason for them actually kicking me out. But when I look back, it was also better that way. The hospital didn't provide me with anything useful, except for distraction. In return I got stress, adversity, labeling and judgement, which seems to be a pretty bad trade. It was the right thing to do at the time though, because damn my condition was absolutely critical those first 6 months.

 

And you are very welcome to point doctors towards my story. I know there is still many details omitted, and it is highly subjective narrated, but the symptom-list at least is real and tangible, and kinda speaks for itself.

 

The idea of giving me antipsychotics is one of the most surreal things about the hospital. This is translated directly from the last page of my hospital journal:

 

"Patient was discussed at the afternoon conference. It is ward manager Henrik Lublin's understanding, that the patient suffers from paranoia, and should be offered anti-psychotic medicine. If the patient refuses, he must be discharged from the ward. "

This conclusion was made by a person, who never even met me. I never spoke a single word with that person (Henrik), and he made this decision based on hearsay. I almost couldn't believe it. I was always logical and receptive in my arguments, I pleaded for them to read the articles I brought them, I asked them to read other peoples testimonials which I brought to them nicely printed, I asked them to read the back label of the drug they gave me. But they refused. As they couldn't dismiss any of my arguments, the easiest solution was for them to have SOMEONE ELSE label me as crazy. They didn't even have the balls to tell me in person. Just disgusting really. So my criticism against their brain altering chemicals was dismissed as paranoia.

 

On the topic of healing, I have been keeping an activity log since february this year, to try and follow the improvement in energy levels. I going to translate and post it later. This works for me as an indicator of how often i venture outside. It can be both motivating, but can also very stressing when Im in a wave and can't do much. Ill get that up as the next thing.

 

I will definitely print those articles and bring to Gerlach in 2 weeks on my next visit. I already brought him some in my early visits, but he never talked to me about them. I think he silently knows about it now, as 2 years have passed, but perhaps can't or won't do much. Atleast that's the impression I'm getting. Ill give it a try anyway, thanks.

 

 

 

Hi Jackson,

I don't have anything especially insightful to contribute as I don't think I write as eloquently as others on this site, but just wanted you to know that I followed your story with interest and compassion on the other site, as I relate to you on so many levels.....and I'm so glad you are here.

Lor

xxx

 

Thank Lor, I will try participate on the board as much as I can, but I usually don't have the desire or energy to write anything, so it takes a lot of energy to talk and converse with you guys. Im so absent and disconnected all the time. I at least hope that some of the information in my story can be of use to other people.

 

Take care

[Altostrata]

Jackson, sometimes a sense of purpose helps that disconnected feeling.

 

You are already helping many, many people with your own testimony. Thank you for your hard work.

[Barbarannamated]

Jackson,

 

I don't know where my original response went.

 

Your ability to convey your experience in writing is amazing. It's interesting that you include names of docs. Does that help to alleviate some anger or help in some other way? Would it be beneficial for others to follow suit?

Just curious.

 

I saw Flashdance and thought of you. I'm in awe of such talent. It must be torture to lose that powerful form of expression.

 

I'm so sad and angry for you.

[Jackson]

Jackson,

 

I don't know where my original response went.

 

Your ability to convey your experience in writing is amazing. It's interesting that you include names of docs. Does that help to alleviate some anger or help in some other way? Would it be beneficial for others to follow suit?

Just curious.

 

I saw Flashdance and thought of you. I'm in awe of such talent. It must be torture to lose that powerful form of expression.

 

I'm so sad and angry for you.

 

Thanks barb. At first I thought including doctor names would help me as a reference whenever I needed a name I could look it up here, instead of going through the big stack of medical papers and journals I have in my cabinet. Another reason was, I felt including names somehow would be a powerful display of how many actual professionals I have been in contact with, in a very tangible way.

 

But now that I think about it, I am not sure this is a good idea, mostly due to privacy concerns. I don't know exactly what the implications might be, so if anyone has good reason to remove full names, maybe I should do so, as not to disclose too much private information. This is a public board after all, isn't it?

 

I haven't had an interest in dancing, music (or anything else) since I went on medications 5 years ago. The prior 6 years to that it was the essence of my life. That part of my brain seems to be obliterated, and I do wonder when or even if it will return. Also my pre-drug past is cloudy and foggy and most of my memories feel distant and foreign, almost as if it wasn't my life. It scares me.

 

I have a question that has been bugging me a bit since I joined here. Can anyone tell me what the deal is with "that other site"? I never understood the full story and why the name here is censored and nobody really talks about it. I did talk a bit with healingsoul about it, but if anyone could tell me in short why there seems to be such beef, (over PM perhaps), it would be greatly appreciated. I am not part of any cliques or anything, I am just someone watching on the sidelines.

[Barbarannamated]

I felt including names somehow would be a powerful display of how many actual professionals I have been in contact with, in a very tangible way.

 

It is powerful because of the matter-of-fact way you have written, imho. Not thinking along the lines of patient privacy.

Sorry. I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts into words...bear with me!

[Altostrata]

Unless you think the doctors would take offense, and that means something to you, you can mention doctors' names here. If they Google themselves, they might find these mentions. It's up to you.

 

We don't discuss the other site because they punitively canceled most of the accounts of the people who joined here. We don't give them publicity.

[Barbarannamated]

Unless you think the doctors would take offense, and that means something to you, you can mention doctors' names here. If they Google themselves, they might find these mentions. It's up to you.

 

 

Interesting possibilities for awareness

[Jackson]

My mental state is so extremely turbulent at the moment. I think I am just emerging from a horrible horrible wave, that creeped up on me the 11th/12th and I believe is about to fade now. These two weeks that just passed I've been overwhelmed with despair and constant suicidal thoughts. My sleep schedule always reverses when I get a wave, which only perpetuates the agony, seeing as I wake when it's pitch dark and the world is sleeping, and go to bed at about the same time when the sun rises. The darkness and the cold of the night prevents me from venturing outside, and magnifies the depression, and I feel completely helpless to fight it, as my physiology has an irongrip on me. I only get to sleep when my body tells me to, and can't wake up before time, even with alarms. My sleep pattern usually returns to normal when the wave fades, but it's such a brutal state to be in, and my mind gets clouded and warped with thoughts of constant hopelessness and suicide. Each wave seems to be the ending stop for me, and it has been damn close a few times. I've taken benzos in waves before, but I am scared that they only delay the healing process, even if it's just 1 single dose. So it's a fine judgement call I have to make each time; can I avoid taking a benzo this time and get through this wave without risk of actually killing myself, or do I take the risk of delaying healing and upsetting my neurochemistry and somewhat soothe the symptoms temporarily. Most of the time I choose the masochistic option, and try to ride off the suffering, but I am not sure it is the best choice. But who really knows.

 

Today it seems like I am emerging on the other side of this wave. It seems to have lasted quite a bit longer than previous ones, but it is certainly not the longest I've ever experienced. I took a shower and a trip downtown yesterday to grab a sandwich, so I got 2 hours of fresh air. I am planning to get out today as well. This type of planning and energy is a sign that the wave is coming to an end, ending a nocturnal streak of 11 days with no trips outside.

 

I listened to a few songs this morning, and I feel a sense of optimism coming back. But this life is terror. I get a really bad wave about once a month, and for some reason it usually happens between the 9th and the 12th day of each month. Is anyone else experiencing some type of regularity in their symptom patterns? I still don't get any type of "windows" of clarity and feeling good, which I have heard other people describe, I basically just fluctuate between deep despair and stability and optimism. And both are as real as real can be, once they are happening. In a wave, nothing can convince me, that I'll be fine, and that the intrusive thoughts I am bombarded with is just temporary. I know it logically, but the logical component of my brain can not overpower these powerful neurochemical states that I go through. It is hard to imagine a life with normal emotions, and I can hardly remember what it is like to be a person. I just have this belief deep down that everything will be fine in the end, no matter what I'm experiencing at the moment. I don't think I can really grasp yet, how much of a mess my brain is in, which is ultimately what is pushing me through the days and the years. I think only when I return to normal will I realize the magnitude of the immense suffering that I go through at the moment.

 

I have started to dream more regularly at night, these past few months. Perhaps that is a good sign of some small increase in mental life activity.

[Barbarannamated]

Jackson,

Good to hear from you, but so sorry you've been in a bad wave. That sounds like brutal shift work sleep problems. Have you identified anything that preceeds or triggers a wave?

 

The up and down of this is so unsettling. I don't have near the seveerity that you do, but still wake with some anxiety and racing heart (much milder than several months ago). It comes with that feeling of dread even though I went to bed feeling ok last night and had a decent latter part of the day yesterday. It makes it so difficult to build on the 'good' days. Every day is a new start and. unfortunately, it's usually a rough start.

 

Glad you were listening to some music!

[Jackson]

I think I have figured out why I have had this really nasty setback in November and December. It actually felt like my condition was getting worse, instead of getting better. Now that the wave has finally settled down, and I am feeling somewhat stable again, I can think more clearly and have a pretty good guess as to what the cause was.

 

I have been increasingly more active the past few months. I ramped up the exercise a lot, to the point where I was pushing myself really hard end November/start December, running every day for 8 days straight. It seems like my nervous system simply couldn't handle this, and my condition regressed. I was blinded by the zeal of taking action in an attempt to get better, and thought more exercise can only be better than less, but I now realized that I simply need to be way more gentle to my nervous system, and just accept the fact that I am still weak and the amount of activity I can engage in still has to be kept lower than I would want it to.

 

So the past 2 weeks I took a complete break in activity without leaving my house, and the violent upset in my symptoms have calmed down a lot. Today I decided I needed to do something, so I went swimming in the indoors pool down town. It was difficult, but I am glad I did it.

 

But at least I have now recognized another certain trigger for my waves; too much exercise. "Too much" right now, is still a pathetic amount compared to the level I used to be at (I literally can not run for more than 5 mins, then I have to stop and catch my breath, and run for 5 more) but it still feels like I am running for the Olympics, it's really that hard for me. My brain does not seem to have the capacity to allow my body to exert itself properly yet, so I am still partly unable to exercise properly, and I get no real satisfaction or reward like I used to. The only reward I get is the assurance to myself that I actually did attempt something to try and get better, so getting punished very hard for it by throwing me into waves is quite discouraging.

 

If I exercise, my symptoms get worse.

If I don't try to exercise, I feel completely helpless and doomed, and like I will be forever stuck with a non-repairing brain, and get caught in despair.

 

I need to find a balancing act, but i'm still left with the question;

 

- I am really not sure if these horrible waves are ultimately Good or Bad in the overall picture. Are they catalyzing healing and necessary for recovery? or are they a sign that I'm doing something wrong? That is still an enigma to me.

[Altostrata]

Unfortunately, waves are "normal" for recovery, which can be very frustrating and worrying because it does not go in a straight line.

 

It's very common to have that worry about waves. But you'll see that the lows get less low and the good periods lengthen -- almost imperceptibly. Compare how you are today with how you were 6 months ago.

 

How did you feel after swimming, Jackson? Was it more tolerable than running?

 

I believe overheating may have something to do with triggering symptoms.

[Claudius]

I hear you Jackson and feel about the same, though my symptoms and limitations are different. I am now at about 51 longs months and still experience a nasty wave but it used to be worse. I do not know whether the waves are really a sign of healing or they are part of the healing process, but I know that there IS recovery. And because I am at 51 months, there has globally been 2% healing every month since the starting of w/d. Looking at it that way, there is healing every moment, even when you do not feel it ir even feel way worse than before.

Wish you more healing in 2012!

[Jackson]

Unfortunately, waves are "normal" for recovery, which can be very frustrating and worrying because it does not go in a straight line.

 

It's very common to have that worry about waves. But you'll see that the lows get less low and the good periods lengthen -- almost imperceptibly. Compare how you are today with how you were 6 months ago.

 

How did you feel after swimming, Jackson? Was it more tolerable than running?

 

I believe overheating may have something to do with triggering symptoms.

 

I think the first 12-14 months after my reaction, was one long wave. Like I was literally in the throws of the worst possible state imaginable, every day, 24/7. Raw state of perpetual suffering. After month 14, I started to see increasing periods of stability. Stability defined as in moments where I didn't want to die, and felt like recovery was possible and that I could endure. Then from month 14 to 28 was where I was still 100% sedentary, and had recurring waves back into the original raw survivals state once or twice a month, which meant that waves happened regardless of what I did (I did nothing than just survive). At month 28 was when I started to be able to get out more often. Started walking, running, biking and taking short trips downtown, every so often even when I didn't have a a scheduled appointment with a doctor/physio/etc (which before that was the ONLY reason I would/could otherwise leave my apartment from month 1-28).

 

Since then, I have had longer periods with more stability, and more symptoms abate. I hardly get nauseous anymore, which was a huge symptom for me the first 2 years. Still get it rarely, but seems to be only in waves. Most of my physical symptoms are gone actually, except for the horrible pains in my frontal lobe. Suicidal ideation is more rare, and happens only in waves (but is always present in waves). So the past year (28 to 38) has been pretty regular when it comes to waves. Stability for 2-3 weeks, then a wave from 1-2 weeks. So I feel REALLY crappy 1/3 of the time, but it's almost on a regular schedule once every month.

 

However waves doesn't seem to get less intense. They are always really bad, and they last for the same period of time. 4-8 days usually.

 

Then came november/december. Had 3 waves within 1 month, basically from Nov 11th to Dec 24 has been one long wave with only a few days of stability. Which I now think can be accounted to the more rigorous exercise I did in that period.

 

But it has me thinking, that maybe the waves ARE the healing. That the reason I feel so bad is because the brain is rearranging things and changing things up. So when I feels stable is when nothing really happens, and when I feel crappy is when progress is being made. It's a very scary thought, because that would mean trying to speed up the healing process would just cause unendurable pain. But maybe it's not like that, who knows. I really wish I knew what happened on a neurobiological level, it would ease my mind so much if I could somehow track the progress with a "look inside". Which means I could more easily adjust my activity levels and so on.

 

About swimming, it is a lot more difficult for me than running. Mostly because it involves a big commitment. It represents the limits of what I can do physically and mentally at the moment, so it's a huge victory whenever I get to go.

 

Running means I take my shoes and a jacket on, and just start going. If I feel bad, I have the security of being able to go back and be home within 5-10 minutes.

 

Swimming is a completely different beast. First I need to make sure they are open. Then I need to pack a bag of clothes, goggles, shampoos and lotions. Make sure I have a coin for the cabinet, and make sure I have extra contact lenses, have enough money to pay with as well as my train card. Then I have to ride my bike 5 mins to the trainstation, take a train downtown, switch to a metro, buy a swimming ticket, change clothes and secure my belongings in the cabinet, shower and then I can finally start swimming. If I start feeling bad while swimming, I have no where to go, I am stuck. But the act of swimming is more gentle to me than running, for my system. It feels less demanding physiologically. I usually do just 8-10 laps total with breaks, and then head home again. But the mental commitment it takes to do such a trip for me is still much much greater, that it still only happens very rarely (once very 3 months or so), and I only do it when I feel good enough to go through all of that, which I very rarely do. The planning and commitment (involving decisions and executing actions) is the hard part.

 

But wow writing it like this makes me realize how fkin damaged I really am. I talk about going swimming and taking a trainride is like taking a flight overseas to visit a foreign country. But it really is that way to me right now, with my current mental capacity, everything poses a challenge. But what can I do.

 

 

I hear you Jackson and feel about the same, though my symptoms and limitations are different. I am now at about 51 longs months and still experience a nasty wave but it used to be worse. I do not know whether the waves are really a sign of healing or they are part of the healing process, but I know that there IS recovery. And because I am at 51 months, there has globally been 2% healing every month since the starting of w/d. Looking at it that way, there is healing every moment, even when you do not feel it ir even feel way worse than before.

Wish you more healing in 2012!

 

Im glad to hear you are still getting better. Wow 51 months is a long time, congrats on making it that far, that is astounding in and of itself, it truly is a heroic feat to survive this. Which symptoms are you still strugging with day to day? Is it mostly mental/cognitive/emotional or is it more physical for you?

 

I hope 2012 will be the better year for you and me both. We are going to be rewarded with a sweet life again after going through this horrific experience, that I truly hope.

[Christiana]

Hi Jackson. How are you doing? I hope you're feeling better.

 

I wept as I read you story. Why? Because you and I have so, so many things in common symptomwise. Except I don't have the pain in my head you have. Just the zaps. But that's bad enough. I can't even fathom what it feels like for you.

 

Just hang in here with me, buddy, okay? I know it's a long road. We can do it though!!! If you ever need anything I'm just a post or private message away.

 

My heart aches so deeply for all of the pain you're feeling, right now. If you don't mind, I will keep you in my prayers. And thoughts too.

 

Love, Light, & Health,

 

Christiana

[Jackson]

Hi Jackson. How are you doing? I hope you're feeling better.

 

I wept as I read you story. Why? Because you and I have so, so many things in common symptomwise. Except I don't have the pain in my head you have. Just the zaps. But that's bad enough. I can't even fathom what it feels like for you.

 

Just hang in here with me, buddy, okay? I know it's a long road. We can do it though!!! If you ever need anything I'm just a post or private message away.

 

My heart aches so deeply for all of the pain you're feeling, right now. If you don't mind, I will keep you in my prayers. And thoughts too.

 

Love, Light, & Health,

 

Christiana

 

Hi Christiana, I'm glad you found your way over here

 

I'm happy that you can relate, because maybe by reading about other people in the same situation, we can avoid feeling so alone and alienated in this horrible horrible nightmare of a situation we are in. I can't remember how far you have come, I will have to read your intro post after this. But I wanted to say, that I have some slightly (only slightly though) good news.

 

I haven't posted an update in a while, because I've always been reluctant to report success, because I was afraid it was only temporary. But I must admit that since Christmas day, I have been feeling very stable. This is almost 2 months now without a wave! That is the longest ever. My mood is okay most days, no real depressive dives, and I have also noticed that the pains in my forehead has lessened a lot. The temple pains are still there, but also those have gotten slightly better. Overall, the head pressure that I have been experiencing for the past 40 months has definitely decreased noticably over the past 2 months, and I spend less time confused and agitated.

 

Now I am not sure how or why this has happened, but I do know that I started Reflexology in January. I have had 3 treatments so far, and while I haven't noticed any big effect from any of them, I still can not deny, that I haven't had a wave since I started. Correlation? Possibly. I will continue with a few more treatments before I pass judge whether it has been helpful or not, but so far it's only been positive for me.

 

So here is my 1½ month celebration of no waves! My mental capabilties are still pretty infantile, but still that must count for something

 

In the absence of these waves/setbacks, optimism and hope really does prosper. I have been feeling more hopeful for recovery than ever this year. There is still a long way to go, but this is a good sign. Now I just hope I didn't jinx it all with this post *crosses fingers*

 

Thanks for posting, I will keep up to date with your progress as well. Hoping all the best. The human spirit is something extraordinary, keeps us going even when both the mind and body is falling apart.

 

Digital hugs to everyone who needs it right now!

[Christiana]

Hi Jackson.

 

Absolutely wonderful, wonderful, wonderful news! I'm so happy for you! Let the window stay wide open and the healing reveal itself even more!

 

Love, Light, & Health,

 

Christiana

[Altostrata]

Hurray, Jackson! So good to hear from you.

 

Bodywork can be very soothing to the nervous system. Just the caring touch and company of another human can be beneficial.

[opusensemble]

Hello Jackson, 

I know it's been 4 years since you've last updated this thread but I'm reaching out to you in hopes that my message finds you well and you can reply me. 

I had a somewhat similar reaction to the one you described. In my case I was on Zoloft for 11 years with no incidents whatsoever and good response to my MDD. Still, 3 years ago I had a sudden adverse reaction to it, which thrown me into a deep state of depression and agony that has me housebound and bedridden since then. Similarly to your past description I also have a stabbing sensation in my left frontal lobe, that in my case I feel as a constant debilitating acid burning sensation. 

This diagram summarizes my medication history: http://tinyurl.com/2015jg
The symptoms are similar to the ones you described but are probably even worse as I have constant black suicidal depression.

I'm writing you in hopes to reach you, to ask you what was your progress after your last post in 2012. Were you somehow able to get back to your old self or do the symptoms you described from the nortriptyline adverse reaction still persist?

Hoping you're still there and can reply me,
Kind Regards
 

[Petunia]

Welcome opusensemble,

Jackson hasn't posted to his thread in a while, you may get a response by sending him a personal message.

 

In the mean time, please would you start an introduction topic for yourself so we can get to know you, ask some questions and provide support.

 

Petunia.

[Christian]

Jackson,

 

Are you out there? It you receive this we would love to hear from you.