Fefesmom

[dalsaan]

 

The most important change in my thinking and in my life over this past year is that I have begun to think of myself as a person rather than a diagnosis (depression) and to see myself as capable rather than seeing myself as crippled by a diagnosis which I embraced. So I feel more free to cope with things as myself, not as a diagnosis.

 

 

Although I am more of a dog person, please believe me when I say I admire you and the journey you have taken. Examining and repositioned how you understand yourself takes courage and determination.

 

Well done, I wish you all the best

 

Dalsaan

 

ps I'm secretly becoming a cat person. My kitten is making me, but dont tell the labrador

[Altostrata]

Bravo, Fefes!

 

Have all your symptoms settled down now? Is it time to post a success story for you?

[fefesmom]

Hi Alto. I think the latest post I did (above) will serve as my "success" story. The immediate success is having gone off ads and survived, right? Thanks and thanks again to you and this site for being my northstar. FM

[Altostrata]

One more step, Fefes, if you will: Please open a topic in Recovery success stories, summarize the pattern of your recovery, including how long each stage took, and include a link to this topic.

 

Then we'll close this topic. If you'd like to pop in every once in a while -- which we'd love to see -- you can add to your success story topic.

[fefesmom]

Alto. Today I don't feel very successful. Physically yes I am ding okay. Emotionally, I am dealing with the same issues I was put on ads to cover up. They are very painful. Do you think I should go on the success site anyhow? Maybe dealing with these painful issues is my "normal" for now; I am not numbed and can deal with them, as uncomfortable as they are. Let me know what you think about this. Thanks FM

[Altostrata]

Fefes, if you feel you're entirely out of withdrawal syndrome, I'd call yours a success story.

 

We cherish your posts about how you're learning to deal with those issues! Please continue to share them.

[fefesmom]

Hi everybody.

 

Well, I think I can say that my withdrawal from Effexor XR has been successful. This is not easy for me to write, as I am not "perfect" but now I know I never will bill and that is just fine.

 

Quick summary:

I went cold turkey on Oct. 6, 2011. I "forgot" my meds one day and figured I might as well just stop. I had stopped several times before but always went back on and was only off for a few weeks; as soon as I got irritable I went back on out of fear. Now I think I was afraid of having feelings after being numbed for 15 years on ads.

 

My physical withdrawal was not too bad; the brain zaps, feeling spacey, tipsy. These were the easy part for me.

 

Far more difficult and still continuing are the feelings I was put on ads to get over. My mother had died a year before I went on ads and I think a lot of my feelings were first, grief over her death and second the reemergence of old issues from early childhood on.

 

I was in therapy most of my life once I hit 21 and had graduated from college and was on my own. Most of this, looking back, was supportive or, at times, with a Freudian back in the 60s and 70s, just talking ad infinitum with no positive results.

 

Now I am fortunate to have a good therapist who is eclectic and focussed on helping me cope with life.

 

The biggest problems I have had about withdrawal have been with feelings that were numbed out for so long making a comeback. And having to cope with them, learn it is okay to have feelings, even negative/difficult ones, or especially those kind. Looking back I think the therapist who put me on ads just wanted to quiet me down, numb me out. Granted she works for a bit JHMO and they don't have time to really treat people with therapy. That's why I am so lucky to have gotten a good therapist in that HMO.

 

I have tried CBT, MBCT, DBT, a million self-help books and this wonderful site. This site has been my guiding light and you people my helpers since I came onto the site just over a years ago.

 

I saw the movie Flight today and I felt that the AA meeting presented was like 'kicking" ads and having to cope with raw life without the alcohol/ads.

 

So I would never recommend cold turkey and I understand I was very lucky not to have suffered really bad symptoms from that.

 

Thank you to all you here for being here and to all who have written posts about mine and especially to Alto.

 

I will visit here from time to time; I know I will have rough patches in the future.

 

One thing I recently discovered; I wake up still at around 3am and can't go back to sleep. Finally, instead of my usual ruminating, I downloaded a meditation dvd for depression and listened to that instead. It really cleared out my mind from all the useless rumination.

 

Well, I hope this if of help to someone and I hope all of you keep on getting to the other side.

 

Thanks for being there/here for me all this time.

 

Love, FM

Edited November 19, 2012 by Altostrata
added line breaks for readibility

[Altostrata]

fefesmom's Intro topic with more detail of her recovery is here http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1460-fefesmom/

 

Congratulations, fefes!

 

A few questions:

 

- How long did it take for you to get over the "physical" symptoms? Was there any pattern to the resolution of those symptoms?

 

- Is there any pattern, daily or otherwise, to your emotions?

 

- When you wake up at 3 a.m., does the meditation dvd help you go back to sleep? What is the name of this recording?

 

- Are you going to move to Florida now?

[fefesmom]

Hi again.

As to your questions, Alto:

 

The physical symptoms started pretty soon after I went c/t in October and to the best of my memory were over by January.

I cannot recall any pattern to how they lessened though.

 

At first I totally stopped bingeing and lost pounds and pounds (45 in all). Now I do eat candy but do not binge; my thinking about it has changed. The thought of eating to the point of feeling sick is so repellant that I am able to head it off at the pass and not even begin. I also do not think of myself as "eating disordered" like I used to and that has made a big difference. So bingeing is something I don't do even though I have the urge. I feel like I am in charge of how I eat now.

 

I don't think there is a pattern to my emotional issues now; I am aware that my thinking gets me in trouble a lot. So I do "change the channel" a lot. However, I do think that dealing with the long-standing issues has really helped me and that makes using CBT easier. CBT on its own didn't really work for me. I had to deal with, and continue to deal with, the underlying, historic issues first and continue to do so.

 

 

The meditation (from itunes) is called A Meditation to Help you Relieve Depression by Belleruth Naparstek. It is an album and costs $11.99. A cheap therapy session I remind myself. I like her voice and find her words very calming and nurturing. It made me feel better and then I went back to sleep but I didn't use it to go to sleep; I wanted a way to address the bad feelings I was having. This helped a lot. Itunes has a lot of meditation if you put depression or meditation in the search box you'll come up with many, many to decide among.

 

I haven't decided about Florida yet.

 

If you want more info just let me know.

Love, FM

[Altostrata]

Thanks, fefes. I think you are a success, too.

[bubbles]

Fefes, I am so happy for you!

Best wishes

Bubbles

[elizabeth11]

By happy and proud of your accomplishment!

[Dani]

Congrats! I can't wait until I'm a success story too.

[fefesmom]

Well, so sorry to say that my earlier posts no longer apply.

I am doing worse now that when I went on ads 15 years ago. At least that's how it feels.

I don't think I can be going through withdrawal after 15 months off Effexor XR.

I have one good day and then about three difficult days when I feel hopeless, despairing and like a flop at life. None of these feelings is new but they seem so much bigger since I am off ads.

When I feel bad I think I better go back on ads but then I remember how they numbed me out and I don't want to get back into that.

The feeling of being alone is so acute; as I have said before it is not a loneliness that is fixed by other people. It is hard to explain.

The best way to explain it is to say that when I feel so alone all I can think is "I want my mommy" (not my real mommy who died in 1995), but some mommy.

Can anyone relate to this or have I gone totally beyond the bend?

I saw a psychiatrist at my hmo and he didn't think I needed ads but I can call him any time. He is young and very humane.

I also have a therapist I like but doubt she can really help me.

Any comments will be appreciated.

I feel like I need to apologize for not being a success, really.

FM

[Altostrata]

Nice to see you, Fefes. How about a trip to Florida?

[fefesmom]

Actually I am going to Florida on the 19th of Jan. and return on the 16 of Feb. I'll see if I feel better there. And if I do, then what. Move there? Terrible weather. What happens if something happens to my sister and I am all alone there; don't know anyone else. Oh well.

[Altostrata]

Make friends there. Look around during your visit, see if there are any clubs you'd like to join.

 

Invite your California friends to visit you after you move.

 

Be sure and take Fefe.

[Jemima]

Well, so sorry to say that my earlier posts no longer apply.

I am doing worse now that when I went on ads 15 years ago. At least that's how it feels.

I don't think I can be going through withdrawal after 15 months off Effexor XR.

I have one good day and then about three difficult days when I feel hopeless, despairing and like a flop at life. None of these feelings is new but they seem so much bigger since I am off ads.

 

Speaking as someone who is still going through withdrawal thirteen months after a too fast taper off of Lexapro (the whole story is in my signature, a total of 15 months on ADs), I'm getting to the point where I'm reconciled to going through this a while longer. Being in withdrawal fifteen months out is not unusual. I had thought I would surely be over withdrawal at the end of a year, but it isn't so. No use in fuming and fretting over something I can't control. I'll just have to keep trudging along one step at a time.

 

When I feel bad I think I better go back on ads but then I remember how they numbed me out and I don't want to get back into that.

 

I've gone through that as well, but am always stopped by the health risks - increased risk of diabetes, PSSD, et cetera.

 

The feeling of being alone is so acute; as I have said before it is not a loneliness that is fixed by other people. It is hard to explain.

The best way to explain it is to say that when I feel so alone all I can think is "I want my mommy" (not my real mommy who died in 1995), but some mommy.

Can anyone relate to this or have I gone totally beyond the bend?

 

Yes to the first question, no to the second, and I think it's neuro-emotion.

 

I saw a psychiatrist at my hmo and he didn't think I needed ads but I can call him any time. He is young and very humane.

I also have a therapist I like but doubt she can really help me.

Any comments will be appreciated.

I feel like I need to apologize for not being a success, really.

FM

 

You're just going through some windows and waves. That's all. They are not under your control and no apology is necessary.

 

Hang in there. Better days are coming.

[fefesmom]

Hi Alto and Jemima. Many thanks for your replies. Of course, today I feel much better. Patience hasn't been my strong suit but I think I would be well-served to cultivate it. FM

[fefesmom]

Hi again to you out there who have been my lifeline for over a year now. I don't visit here as often but when I feel down and scared I come back and always get a boost and feel less alone.

 

I have been in therapy with a new therapist since the middle of November. She is big on relationship and very active and involved with me in our sessions.

Part of me wants some CBT and to be done with talking and understanding etc. The other part thinks this may really help so I want to stick with it longer.

 

When I read of others wanting to be like they were before going on a/ds I wonder: if we were so great before and want to get back to that, why in the world did we go on them in the first place???

I doubt that we were "given" them for no reason at all.

 

Next week will be 16 months since I went CT off 150mg of Effexor XR; patience is not my strong suit so I have to keep exercising the patience muscle now!!

 

Just want to say hello again, any comments will be appreciated.

 

I had to postpone my FL trip; I had colon surgery in 2000 and then an incisional hernia from that; now I have another incisional hernia that needs repair to avoid emergency surgery. SO that is scheduled for 2/22/13. My sister is coming up here to help me and I'll visit her in the summer (humidity and heat be damned).

 

Best wishes to all.

FM

[fefesmom]

HI.

This is fefesmom back again.

I "successfully" got off effexor after 10 years on.

Got depressed again about 1.5 years later; went on Lexapro (now off it completely) and wellbutrin (still on it).

I have more good moments than bad; when I feel bad I come to this site and read topics that really help me feel less alone and freaky.

Have been in therapy about 1.5 years now w/a good therapist who is into self-compassion a lot.

I guess I still want everything to be ok and that it isn't (except for moments or hours or maybe a day or two) I take as a personal failure.

Anyhow, I hate to admit I haven't remained just fine (ha!) but am so glad you all are still here.

Love, Fefesmom

[Barbarannamated]

Fefesmom,

 

I think about you so often, wondering how you're doing. Also for some selfish reasons on my part... I still struggle terribly with the abandonment issues/ lack of family that we discussed long ago. May I ask.... has this improved for you? I THINK it's part of withdrawal (and losing my mom), but would greatly appreciate your thoughts.

 

It's good to hear from you.

 

B

[mammaP]

Hi Fefesmom, I'm sorry you didn't get over the withdrawal from effexor. It is a nightmare of

a drug to get off and I really feel for you after trying so hard. Don't feel a failure, you did your best.

Hopefully you will stabilise on wellbrutin and be able to taper safely if that is what you want to do.

We are here for you. 

[Jemima]

Hi fefesmom,

 

I remember you, and much as I'm sorry to see that things haven't gone as well as you'd like, it's somehow comforting to know that I'm not the only one to find the post-antidepressant road full of bumps and unexpected turns.  I wrote my success story back in April, and I guess I thought that the only way from there was up, but it continues to be a struggle to get my life together as a retiree. So many of my peers seem to be caught up in just having fun and more fun, including doing a lot of gambling, but I can't find any meaning in that sort of life.

 

Anyway, welcome back. This seems to be the only source of support where we victims of antidepressant withdrawal find genuine understanding.

[tezza]

Hi fefesmom,

 

I'm glad to know you have more good days than bad! It's nice to hear from you!

[fefesmom]

Hi Everyone. I am back!

My Fefe died in September, but as Spectio says, I will be Fefesmom forever!

Anyhow, I don’t know if this is the right place to come back to the fold but here I am.

It is amazing how what I wrote at the top of this topic is the same thing I am feeling now.

I went off Effexor and was off it for about a year and a half. Then I got depressed (withdrawal continuation?) and went on Lexapro but went off that pretty fast but tapered.

Now am on 150 Wellbutrin sr once a day and 30 mg Buspar (taken 3 or 4 times a day to total of 30 mg a day). I am quite anxious often, especially when I’m alone; do better when I am with people. Sleep is so-so at best.

My shrink at the HMO wants me on Zoloft but I am very reluctant to get on another SSRI after the hell of Effexor; plus I am no spring chicken and the effects of SSRIs on older people really doesn’t seem to be known too well.

Anyhow, I hope it is okay to come back here; if not please move this re-up to where it belongs.

I have been on the site on and off since I was a “success” about 2 years ago.

To be continued.

FM

[Altostrata]

fefes -- I moved your post here. The saga continues!

 

Well, I think you should get another furry friend. What about that move to be near your sister? If you're going to follow your bliss, now's the time.

[fefesmom]

Well, my bliss is not in Florida and it is good to  know that if disappointing. I spent two months there in Oct and Nov of 2014 and found that a lot of my fantasizing about FL and my sister being the answer were indeed just fantasies. I was glad to get back to L.A. much to my surprise and pleasure. So I am making my bliss here and will make visits to FL. I don’t know when I will get another furry pal but will be volunteering for a group that provides help to people with chronic illnesses who have pets and need help caring for them; both direct support to the pet owner (guardian) and working in office, pet food bank etc. I miss Fefe every day and have decided it is okay to miss her however long it will take. I will not go on Zoloft and can’t believe how little even younger shrinks know or care about withdrawal. I am kind of tapering off Buspar myself and do better on 22.5 than on 30 mg so will stick with that. Plus my sleep is better since lowering the Wellbutrin. Onward...

[Altostrata]

Well, that's all good, isn't it!

[westcoast]

Hi Fefe, I'm glad you're hear and writing about Effexor. I went through hell with it. I'm now doing much better, and very glad I joined SA. I am pretty sure the supplements have helped. I know the social support has!

As for moving to Florida, I think you're right to stay put. It's a different culture than SoCal (where I live too) and the weather is too humid and they have flying giant cockroaches. I did a "geographic" to Nevada in a fit of post-Effexor mania and it cost a fortune and a half. Eventually came home and still reeling from the money I wasted on that bad idea.

There's another user called OffEffexor who had delayed post-Effexor syndrome. The user is an anesthesiologist and is sure the delayed reaction was continued W/D.

 

Can you message me about the group you volunteer with? I have long hoped such a group existed and might be able to help out.

 

WC

 

[fefesmom]

I am back. I was drug free from Oct. 2011 to April 2013. I went back on ad - this time Lexapro and then added Wellbutrin under “care” of a psychiatrist. Then I went off Lexapro and now am on Buspar 15mg twice a day; 150 Wellbutrin sr once a day and 25mg Zoloft once a day. I don’t think any of it is helping; I have the exact same symptoms I had when I went off Effexor; loneliness, alone, fear, anxiety etc. etc. that I really don’t think drugs can touch. Yes, maybe, definitely,  I am depressed but I am not convinced meds are the”answer”. The psychiatrist I see now ( a new one at HMO) I am sure will want me to increase the Zoloft since it isn’t helping. Why do they think more of something that isn’t helping is better?? She is tapering me off Buspar (10mg every two weeks or so). I am worst when I wake up after sleeping about four hours a night. I feel very anxious and desperate and look up SA, BeyondMeds and Mad in America online to find the “answer” which I know doesn’t exist so easily.

Because I  know/hear that sleep problems are a prime depression symptom I think I should stick on the ads as they are the only solution. I really need some help here. I realize I am kind of ashamed to admit to having depression but also finally think that drugs are not the only way to treat it. I think this post is very scattered but if any of you can make sense of it I would appreciate your input about tapering, trying the Zoloft now or whatever you can help me with. I didn’t feel so great being drug free; had a lot of anxiety but was glad to be off Effexor which won’t go on again. I binged, got depressed and had lots of bad times even on Effexor.  So, anyhow, any comments, ideas any of you may have I will really appreciate. Thanks so much. FM

[Altostrata]

fefes, did you have trouble sleeping when you were off drugs?

 

Are you sleeping better now?

 

Sleep problems can mean a lot of things, they are not a diagnostic flag for depression.

 

It certainly sounds like you need to seek non-drug lifestyle ways to reduce your symptoms, such as getting involved in activities that can lead to friendships.

[fefesmom]

Hi

I honestly can’t remember if I had sleep problems when off ads. I think I did.  I know my sleep problems got really bad around the time Fefe died, in 9/2015. I have tried melatonin and some rx sleep meds to no avail. Now taking an Insomnia class with limited success. I am volunteering with a pet-oriented group and will begin with the library soon. I find when I am with people I feel much better; you may be right about activities-friendship (or at least involvement with other people). I have tended to “collect
friends rather than choosing which to nurture/value. I am starting to do that. Boy, no wonder I wish a pill would fix all!!

[westcoast]

Hi, how is it going? I just saw that you'd posted in March.

 

Are you on any psych drugs now?

Sleep's a real thorn in the side after psych drugs.

 

But somehow, I'm not struggling with it these days. I don't know if this works for everyone, but I managed to stop caring if it is day or night. I don't watch TV or movies anymore, either. I broke my old routine.

 

If I'm not tired at 10pm, I read, write, or tidy up. I've eventually stumbled into a pretty decent schedule of sleeping from 10pm (or as late as 1am) until 6am or 7am without pills, pot, or alcohol.

 

I also have been volunteering for a rapidly-expanding non-profit, and just got promoted to a role with deadlines, responsibilities, and people I manage. That's been a blessing. I can always fill spare time, the crew is great company, and I am learning a lot about the topic.

I did stop drinking coffee, but I think working with this org and not caring what time it is mattered most.

I hope you check back in with an update soon.