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nicolantana

Dealing with the lost years and moving forward

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nicolantana

Hey guys,

 

There may be another thread along this line so feel free to join if necessary.

The title of the post speaks for itself.

 

I'm only 9 months into hell. Five months on meds, four off. I have severe anhedonia. pretty lifeless but in control of the situation.

I'm 29 years old. It pains me that my life is on hold for the forseeable future.

 

I know alot of the answers are straighforward here, we grieve, we feel the hurt and move forwards with renewed energy.

But just like to hear from the community on this..

 

Much love,

 

Nick

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ShakeyJerr

I have to believe that the lost years will be redeemed, Nick. I have a strong faith in God (though I have to ashamedly admit to some wavering and doubts during some of the hard waves of withdrawal), and He promises to redeem the lost days. I do not know what that will look like for me, my wife, and my children - or when it will happen - but it will.

 

SJ

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tntd

Hi Nick,

 

This is my second time feeling like I have lost years. The first time I had two small children and the medications turned me into a zombie. I don't remember much from that time, I call them my lost five years. I did grieve them at first but now I don't think about them much. Once I was through them and back into life I found that I was enjoying life so much that I didn't have time to worry about or even think about what I had missed. I'm hoping that this time will be the same and that once I recover from the w/d and taper off the meds I am still on I will still have a lot of life left and I will just go out and enjoy it. I'm doing the grieving right now so that should be done by the time I'm better too. I'm almost 51 by the way and still feel that there is a lot that life has to offer once I'm healed. I also have a lot to offer life. I think these experiences help us to be more compassionate and empathetic with other people.

 

Hugs and healing.

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Bcdrugfree

I've had the same thoughts after my six years of ssri use. I lost lots of memories and moments. But I stay excited about the years to come. I'm 37 and done with the drugs, acceptance and time I believe are the keys!!

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nz11

This is my first post in this area of threads of sa.

I've been wanting to mention this very topic but didnt know where and didnt really want to mention it in my intro.

 

Just recently i have  also been brokenhearted at the lost years.

In particular i am outraged at the sporting years stolen from me by GSK.

 

As i look back the time i stopped playing representative sport or club sport or social sport was the virtually the day i started popping pills from the doctor. I now believe that was not a coincidence. Basically 15.5 years of sport stolen from me. All  my passions affections desires simply vapourized.

 

At 5.5 yrs off the drug ...almost one year ago today I decided i would join a club again and start again. The withdrawal was so disabling i couldnt have done it any sooner.

 

It was humbling and embarrassing. I persevered ..it was a slow process.

It was more the occasion than any ability i decided to enter the World Masters Games 2017.

It is the first time in over 15 years i have played in any tournament or competition. I wasnt expecting a lot just to turn up.

I will never get those lost years back but i have a new challenge and its to make the most of those years i do have left. Stay calm and master it. It could so easily have been so much better however i am happy considering my GSK handicap to come away with a silver. Sport: Prefer not to say.

 

My compromised cns is currently struggling coping with what i lost when it should be rejoicing in what i accomplished. But i guess thats human nature anyway.

 

I post this as an encouragement to not give up but see it as not second best but a second chance because many don't even come through this alive.

 

nz11

Stay calm and master it.

post-2559-0-19459900-1493438978.jpg

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tntd

NZ, 

 

Congratulations on getting back into your sport and winning a silver. I'm so glad you have been able to get back into it. 

 

I agree that we all struggle with what we have lost and for many. like me, are still losing. It is hard not to think about it in a negative way. It is so good to hear the positive uplifting and successful stories of others that have made it or are making it to the other side and finding life is still good.

 

Hugs

T

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ShakeyJerr

Way to go nz! You rock!

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JanCarol

It's a hard one.

 

I'm in my 50's now.  So - there would be many years which would be a blur, anyway.

 

How well do I want to remember that mountain, that concert, that picnic with friends?

 

Of course I do - but it seems like, over time, the important stuff sticks or comes back.  Or enough stuff sticks and comes back that I still feel like a person.

 

I don't know that there's a tipping point - if you have 100 memories are you less alive than the person with 1000?  Memories do make up what we are, but they are also faulty, tinged, with a bias towards the "bad" memories.  It's a survival mechanism - remember - don't touch that hot stove!

 

I do know this, I am a better person now, after, off the drugs, than I was before them.  It's easy to see.  I am able to see other people more clearly, recognize their feelings and compassion for them.  That would not have been possible when I was younger.

 

Well done on the sports NZ!

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nicolantana

Thanks for the different answers guys! very positive and uplifting. This is all stuff I knew, but it's crucial to have it reinforced!

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PluckyPony

This is my first post in this area of threads of sa.

I've been wanting to mention this very topic but didnt know where and didnt really want to mention it in my intro.

 

Just recently i have  also been brokenhearted at the lost years.

In particular i am outraged at the sporting years stolen from me by GSK.

 

As i look back the time i stopped playing representative sport or club sport or social sport was the virtually the day i started popping pills from the doctor. I now believe that was not a coincidence. Basically 15.5 years of sport stolen from me. All  my passions affections desires simply vapourized.

 

At 5.5 yrs off the drug ...almost one year ago today I decided i would join a club again and start again. The withdrawal was so disabling i couldnt have done it any sooner.

 

It was humbling and embarrassing. I persevered ..it was a slow process.

It was more the occasion than any ability i decided to enter the World Masters Games 2017.

It is the first time in over 15 years i have played in any tournament or competition. I wasnt expecting a lot just to turn up.

I will never get those lost years back but i have a new challenge and its to make the most of those years i do have left. Stay calm and master it. It could so easily have been so much better however i am happy considering my GSK handicap to come away with a silver. Sport: Prefer not to say.

 

My compromised cns is currently struggling coping with what i lost when it should be rejoicing in what i accomplished. But i guess thats human nature anyway.

 

I post this as an encouragement to not give up but see it as not second best but a second chance because many don't even come through this alive.

 

nz11

Stay calm and master it.

 

 

I'm proud of of you NZ!

 

 

It's a hard one.

 

I'm in my 50's now.  So - there would be many years which would be a blur, anyway.

 

How well do I want to remember that mountain, that concert, that picnic with friends?

 

Of course I do - but it seems like, over time, the important stuff sticks or comes back.  Or enough stuff sticks and comes back that I still feel like a person.

 

I don't know that there's a tipping point - if you have 100 memories are you less alive than the person with 1000?  Memories do make up what we are, but they are also faulty, tinged, with a bias towards the "bad" memories.  It's a survival mechanism - remember - don't touch that hot stove!

 

I do know this, I am a better person now, after, off the drugs, than I was before them.  It's easy to see.  I am able to see other people more clearly, recognize their feelings and compassion for them.  That would not have been possible when I was younger.

 

Well done on the sports NZ!

 

THIS!

 

So much warmth and wisdom in your words, Jan.  Very honest and real.

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FuzzyDunlop

I'm struggling so much with this right now. I've missed so many big things like weddings, the birth of my friend's children, vacations and good times that I should have been there for but also just working, driving, exercising, going to Celtics games, feeling like myself! This has been four and a half years of Hell because of Klonopin and I can't let go of the anger that this all could have been avoided if a doctor had done his job. I'm 31 and still on 2.5 mg's of Klonopin and feeling so hopeless. I can't deal with the social isolation and being sedentary anymore.

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nz11

Thanks for the encouraging kind words.

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ShakeyJerr

I'm struggling so much with this right now. I've missed so many big things like weddings, the birth of my friend's children, vacations and good times that I should have been there for but also just working, driving, exercising, going to Celtics games, feeling like myself! This has been four and a half years of Hell because of Klonopin and I can't let go of the anger that this all could have been avoided if a doctor had done his job. I'm 31 and still on 2.5 mg's of Klonopin and feeling so hopeless. I can't deal with the social isolation and being sedentary anymore.

You have many great years ahead of you, Fuzzy! You just keep working the slow taper, and you will get free of the meds. Focus on what you can do when as you heal. Hope in the future can be a great motivator!

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Martina23

I fight also with this.

 

I was before so obsessed with the idea to be a tax advisor, have a company and earn a lot of money and I see people with whom I worked in the past and had the same aims how they are already tax advisors and are sucessful and me after withdrawal, I am not even sure if I want to achieve it anymore. I got an other person, and it makes me confused and I am asking myself it is better or worse, if I should envy the people who are already tax advisors, in one way I envy but at the same time I dont really want it anymore, I am confused about and I am asking where I lost myself. If I lost myself. It is strange.

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frasier23
On 5/14/2017 at 2:00 AM, FuzzyDunlop said:

I'm struggling so much with this right now. I've missed so many big things like weddings, the birth of my friend's children, vacations and good times that I should have been there for but also just working, driving, exercising, going to Celtics games, feeling like myself! This has been four and a half years of Hell because of Klonopin and I can't let go of the anger that this all could have been avoided if a doctor had done his job. I'm 31 and still on 2.5 mg's of Klonopin and feeling so hopeless. I can't deal with the social isolation and being sedentary anymore.

@FuzzyDunlop

I know you probably heard this before or thought about it yourself. But use this time to educate yourself so at least you are progressing in some areas ( only if you have the energy of course). When I wasn't 100% bedridden anymore I started small with some gaming (keeping up on new titles/consoles etc). I educated myself within general health and food/cooking ( also with purpose to recover faster). I started to read up on everything in the IT industry / new technologies. Started a new sport that I could manage to do. Started to write diary, food log. Started to managing my digital pictures. Its small things but you get a feeling of doing what you can to keep up with others / life (plus in some areas you may even end up with more experiences / knowledge then your peers when you're finally recovered).

 

Also remember that many people just work and train and fail with relationships during these years. I doesn't make me feel good to think like that but its important to know that many people that doesn't have your problem isn't "successful" in life anyway (it could be you). Ive learned a lot during my isolation. Who are my friends, who can I trust etc. When / if I enter normal life sometime I will be more prepared to make wise decision and also be more confident what its the right move (for example with relationships, disconnect bad ones your health is most important). 

 

Try to be social with your family and when you're ready , start slowly to tell more people about what you been through (you can use general words, it will strengthen you I believe, instead of being ashamed).  If you're into gaming start socialise in multiplayer games etc. Youre still very young. When you get off your medicines you have at least 20 years of reproducing to do if thats you're meaning with life.

 

Stay away from alcohol, smoking for life

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Madeleine
On 4/28/2017 at 6:58 PM, tntd said:

 

 

This is my second time feeling like I have lost years. The first time I had two small children and the medications turned me into a zombie. I don't remember much from that time, I call them my lost five years. I did grieve them at first but now I don't think about them much. Once I was through them and back into life I found that I was enjoying life so much that I didn't have time to worry about or even think about what I had missed. I'm hoping that this time will be the same and that once I recover from the w/d and taper off the meds I am still on I will still have a lot of life left and I will just go out and enjoy it. I'm doing the grieving right now so that should be done by the time I'm better too. I'm almost 51 by the way and still feel that there is a lot that life has to offer once I'm healed. I also have a lot to offer life. I think these experiences help us to be more compassionate and empathetic with other people.

 

Hugs and healing.

Thanks for this post. I'm around your age and the attitude in the post has uplifted me and made me feel I am not the only one.  🙂
Best wishes,
M.

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tntd

Thank you for your kind words M. They have made me feel better on a bad day :) 

 

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bluecup

This is something I'm struggling with too. It just feels like so much of my life was lost. So I'm working to focus on what's beautiful, what's ok, what I've actually achieved. And to remind myself that at 35, my life isn't already over. Though sometimes it feels that way. I have an uphill journey to taper off this drug, and my life has already felt like an uphill journey in many ways. So I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I haven't figured out how to deal with the loss. But I'm trying. 

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