Dealing with the lost years and moving forward

[EmergingFromTheVoid]

I'm grieving for the years that I lost on my antidepressants, before I started getting cbt and talk therapy several months ago. I've lost time (8 years or so) with my son and my husband that I'll never get back. I was in a fog, fairly emotionally absent, and not really "me" for so many years. I'm tapering off my antidepressant and combined with therapy, I'm learning to "feel live" again. It's beautiful. It's taken me a long time to get here, and there are no promises of a smooth recovery, but I'm very glad that I'm doing it.

 

Sometimes we forget how brave and amazing we are to be fighting for our mental wellness; we're stronger than we know, and worthy of becoming our best selves. 

[sunnysideup69]

23 hours ago, EmergingFromTheVoid said:

 

Sometimes we forget how brave and amazing we are to be fighting for our mental wellness; we're stronger than we know, and worthy of becoming our best selves. 

Amen to that. We are unsung heroes, I believe. The battle with one's own mind is a really tough one.

[ShiningLight]

On 9/9/2019 at 11:06 AM, Rhiannon said:

At various points throughout my tapering years, it's like I've reached a new level of "me"--remembering "oh yeah I remember feeling this way". But almost all of those memories are from before I started the Prozac in 1992. The years after that-- I of course remember specific incidents, where I lived, etc. and I remember what I thought about and a lot of what I did, but it's like I don't remember "me." It's strange. And unspeakably sad. And I am very, very angry about it.

 

This. One of the worst aspects of this torture is that once you realized what's happened, you can't just stop the drugs. It takes a long time, and during that time, you are painfully aware of what you've lost and what you continue to lose. At least this is what it's like for me. I feel like I've been robbed of my own life. Even as I'm trying to deal with the lost years and moving forward, I'm still losing years! But victimhood is its own thievery, so I have to try to find things I'm grateful for in the now. I have to try to build a life within my limitations during withdrawal. It is very difficult.

[sunnysideup69]

@ShiningLight absolutely right. I'm practicing gratitude so hard right now. Life has had to be rearranged and it feels strange.

[Giulietta]

@EmergingFromTheVoid @sunnysideup69 @ShiningLight

 

Even thought it is nice to have adapt this to positive thinking - what I am most mad about is the loss of the past more than one year to getting off cymbalta.  While I would like to positive about going forward and relief in the ups and downs in depair and anxiety and physical symptoms soon - from the experience of other warriors I'm not sure that will happen.

 

 

19 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

I'm still losing years! But victimhood is its own thievery, so I have to try to find things I'm grateful for in the now. I have to try to build a life within my limitations during withdrawal. It is very difficult.

 

 

what do you mean by 'still' losing years? Cumulative experiences -?

 

I feel  that I am losing time - cumulatively - mornings where I can't walk - things I love and have planned for months but can't enjoy -  strugglig to be without friends without a converesation triggerign tears. Looking for work (keep starting and stopping this @ShiningLight .  Imagine parents and people working through this ordel.

 

How does one build a life in WD? How does one muscle through with these limitations?

 

Thinking about goal setting (when I was in a window) as @ShiningLight once said to me is really hard in a wave.  I had not realized this before.

 

We are warriors and should be proud of ourselves.

 

And today I can't spell or type properly....

 

 

 

 

[ShiningLight]

I don't know how one builds a life in wd @Guilietta. I try to remain grateful that I can work. I have difficulty doing much else.

 

I try to have much more conservative social goals. I have an ongoing date to walk dogs with a friend twice a month. I want to get to my spiritual society every week and a support group but ongoing lack of success there.

[Giulietta]

14 minutes ago, ShiningLight said:

I try to remain grateful that I can work

 

Work is huge to be grateful for.   It is a distraction and as a family member tells me who knows my situation, 'sanity' and I add independence (i.e., $) and some social interaction.

 

Practicing gratitude is really hard - so many days for me it's a repeat of the basics - a roof over my head, heating and food. While a good friend tells me these are big - and they are - seeing the contraction is discouraging. @Gridley reminds me of same.

 

15 minutes ago, ShiningLight said:

I have an ongoing date to walk dogs with a friend twice a month. I want to get to my spiritual society every week and a support group but ongoing lack of success there.

 

I hope you are able to keep these (or most of) your planned dates. How do you handle this when you can't make it? Do your friends understand how much WD affects your functionality?

 

I have (often) had to back out at the last minute (which I hate to do), decline invitations or not commit because I'm afraid (hate to use this word) I will not be able to make it.

 

That all being said - a friend who had metasisized canced - often declined or cancelled - I kenw why. She would call to talk or invite to coffee when she felt up to it. I understood. Getting others to understand our situation - that it is limiting - may be hard.

 

Idea: When you say you are experiencing side of effects of medications, etc. some days are hard so you may have to play social events by hear, maybe people understand and accept.

 

About your spiritual group - I'm sorry it's not been working out. I started going to church this summer which was prompted by WD and being isolated.   I never went to church in my life before - and now I look forward to services, the social community - nice people - and being reminded and grateful for what I have - for giving thanks. One doesn't have to buy the entire platform hook, line and sinker.   There are a lot of things that I don't like about it. To be honest, we cans say that about anything.   I hope your spiritual group or similar situation works out.

 

How has your dystonia been? I would like it if my memory was a bit better.

 

[Katy398]

On 4/29/2017 at 8:58 AM, tntd said:

The first time I had two small children and the medications turned me into a zombie. I don't remember much from that time, I call them my lost five years.

I’m really struggling with the lost years mine cover the whole of my children’s life 20 years I was on drugs before they were born and told to stay on them during pregnancy (I feel sick even typing this.) look back I was not really There for them. Gradually my partner did more and more in the house, cooking,  shopping, buying the children clothes, school booksetc. The lost time in the last year during WD seems nothing in comparison. How will I manage to accept this. I am not religious so can’t even rest back and believe,  it’s ok, because it’s Gods will. 

I’d love some advice and support on this matter. 

Thank you K

[mdwstrx]

4 hours ago, Katy398 said:

I am not religious so can’t even rest back and believe,  it’s ok, because it’s Gods will. 

 

Hi Katy,

I'm not religious either, but have very strong faith.

Sadly, I believe organized 'christianity' is, in large part,

the lukewarm church that Jesus warned he would spew out of His mouth. 

But, like the old adage says, "don't the throw the baby out with the bathwater".  

 

You're statement above reminds me of the Biblical question asking,

"How then shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed?"  

 

What if ...

this struggle to accept your past is your prompting to seek the One so many (myself included)

have called upon with such life changing success ... Who, in turn, gave us faith to believe on Him?  

 

Saying prayers for you that you come to accept and, if you want, to believe.  💜

[Hanna72]

@Katy398 and all of you in here.

I too totally understand, the sadness, frustration, anger, been myself dealing with so many motions in my tapering. I too feel like I have lost many years do to being like a zombie going through life on Paxil. Angry that no one believed  me when I went through horrific withdrawals. Angry that my doctors and physiatrist didn’t believe me. Felt alone fighting for my sanity.

Then I decided to make a shift. I decided I would do what ever it took to heal myself. No regards what ANYONE thought. I told everybody that I was on my way to quitting my meds, friends, family, everyone at work. 
I changed my mind set. I see myself everyday in the future, FREE of these anti depressants

I say to myself, I Will make it, nothing will get in my way. 
We are strong, we can not look back, with regret. We are here NOW, nothing else matters. 
It really shows how everyone in here is strong, and that’s our weapon to get through this.

Lets use that💪
 

[mstimc]

On 2/5/2020 at 11:43 AM, Katy398 said:

I’m really struggling with the lost years mine cover the whole of my children’s life 20 years I was on drugs before they were born and told to stay on them during pregnancy (I feel sick even typing this.) look back I was not really There for them. Gradually my partner did more and more in the house, cooking,  shopping, buying the children clothes, school booksetc. The lost time in the last year during WD seems nothing in comparison. How will I manage to accept this. I am not religious so can’t even rest back and believe,  it’s ok, because it’s Gods will. 

I’d love some advice and support on this matter. 

Thank you K

Katy, I am religious (Episcopalian/Anglican) but I don't think you have to be to deal with the feeling of lost time.  When I was in WD and recovery, I, too, was focused on myself most of the time.  I was either dealing with a symptom or some emotional crisis.  I did try to be a good dad to my son, who was in his early teens at the time, and I think I managed to do that.   Looking back, I learned two things: 1) I wasn't as bad as I thought.  I was able to do some things I enjoyed, even in the worst of WD. and was able to be there for my wife and son far more often than I wasn't.  2) What really counts is today and tomorrow, and the day after that, etc.  I'm not trying to "make up" for lost time, but I am trying to be the best father, husband, and friend I can be with my heard-earned recovery.  I've seen so many positive changes in my relationships, I think the people around me are focused on that rather than the person I was in WD.   As I dealt with this feeling, I also tried to heed my therapist's advice:  I wasn't the center of the universe.  Just because I wasn't the best person I could have been, that didn't necessarily ruin anyone else's life.  Humans are agonizingly resilient, and quickly forget about things a person in withdrawal think are horrid.  The fact you're here and helping people is way you're paying it forward, and that's what counts.

[Katy398]

1 hour ago, mstimc said:

I'm not trying to "make up" for lost time, but I am trying to be the best father, husband, and friend I can be with my heard-earned recovery. 

Absolutely and Thank you mstimc. 

It’s interesting that I posted this on Feb 6. So much has happened in the world since then. So much has happened in a week. If nothing else the current climate brings us back to the here and now. Every time we wash our hands or smile at a passerby. 

I totally agree with mstimc, we can change the here and now and put our energy into being the best person we can be now for our family, friends and wider community.

matimc, you are such a gentle, wise owl, thank you for all you are doing on here. Your gentle patience is touching so many. 

Thank you K

[mstimc]

Just now, Katy398 said:

Absolutely and Thank you mstimc. 

It’s interesting that I posted this on Feb 6. So much has happened in the world since then. So much has happened in a week. If nothing else the current climate brings us back to the here and now. Every time we wash our hands or smile at a passerby. 

I totally agree with mstimc, we can change the here and now and put our energy into being the best person we can be now for our family, friends and wider community.

matimc, you are such a gentle, wise owl, thank you for all you are doing on here. Your gentle patience is touching so many. 

Thank you K

 

Thank you Katy!  If there is anything good that came from my WD, its that it made me more empathetic to others' suffering.  Although I think I need some work on the patience part!

 

We all have a contribution to make, including you!  We're all in this together!

[Katy398]

I

6 minutes ago, mstimc said:

If there is anything good that came from my WD, its that it made me more empathetic to others' suffering. 

I am pleased to say this is the case for me too. For all who are in the thick of it, I know it’s virtually impossible to believe that good comes from WD, because our biased brain but it is true,  really true,  good things do happen from WD. 

[tiredtess]

i feel at my age those years are gone for ever. Part of my recovery was to find answers. Why was I threatened with section if I did not agree to hospital. My notes have been lost although I have friends who got theirs. Without that question being answered I can't move on. I have spent my life just coping relying on prescription drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. . All those props have gone and I feel very lost and alone.It was all many years a go but I have started getting flashbacks to what happened in hospital. i have two wonderful adult sons who know very little of my mental health problems and I do not want to talk to them about it. I now do not trust the "professionals" and worry that if I talk to them now they will suggest a new medication. I am on my own with it and my lost years are lost.

t

[Brooke]

On 7/13/2020 at 1:42 PM, tiredtess said:

i feel at my age those years are gone for ever. Part of my recovery was to find answers. Why was I threatened with section if I did not agree to hospital. My notes have been lost although I have friends who got theirs. Without that question being answered I can't move on. I have spent my life just coping relying on prescription drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. . All those props have gone and I feel very lost and alone.It was all many years a go but I have started getting flashbacks to what happened in hospital. i have two wonderful adult sons who know very little of my mental health problems and I do not want to talk to them about it. I now do not trust the "professionals" and worry that if I talk to them now they will suggest a new medication. I am on my own with it and my lost years are lost.

t

Have you thought about going outside the system and looking for alternative and/or spiritual counselors? You're posting this in Finding Meaning, which tells me that you're looking for...well...meaning! I'm not sure we find that in the traditional system, but there are so many light-filled people out there who can help. Just because you don't fit into the system, which is about as creative as an empty cardboard box, doesn't mean that you are alone. There so many helpers out there. Happy to make some recommendations if you'd like.

 

[tiredtess]

Hello, I used to walk a lot and feel nature inside me which inspired me to write poetry. That has gone. I used to go to 8am church service which gave me spiritual support, that has gone. I feel pretty useless and not needed. I had a new mental health assessment today

t

[Rhiannon]

On 2/5/2020 at 11:43 AM, Katy398 said:

I’m really struggling with the lost years mine cover the whole of my children’s life 20 years I was on drugs before they were born and told to stay on them during pregnancy (I feel sick even typing this.) look back I was not really There for them. Gradually my partner did more and more in the house, cooking,  shopping, buying the children clothes, school booksetc. The lost time in the last year during WD seems nothing in comparison. How will I manage to accept this. I am not religious so can’t even rest back and believe,  it’s ok, because it’s Gods will. 

I’d love some advice and support on this matter. 

Thank you K

I don't have advice really, but I can definitely relate to what you are saying. The thing I am angriest about, about the psych drugs, is that they stole my children's childhoods from me and stole their mother from them during the years they needed her most. Their father was not great. They're doing okay now but I so regret all the things we could have done and all the ways I could have been there for them. We have a pretty good relationship now and I just enjoy them as much as I can now. 

 

 

I do a lot of work on self-forgiveness and self-love and mindfulness and being in the present and enjoying the stability of my life today as much as I can. I wish I had better answers but I really don't have an answer. Just know that you can heal and you can have a life that is satisfying.

[Katy398]

Hi Rhiannon,

Thank you for your kind words. I’m just at work now but will reply this evening. Take care Xx

[Katy398]

Thank you @Rhiannon

It seems to have been a very long journey for you. I’m pleased you feel you’ve got a good relationship with your children and that you can find some joy in your life now.  You do an amazing job supporting us all. Thank you. Warm Regards K

[FarmGirlWorks]

On 3/11/2020 at 9:21 AM, Hanna72 said:

I changed my mind set. I see myself everyday in the future, FREE of these anti depressants

I say to myself, I Will make it, nothing will get in my way. 
We are strong, we can not look back, with regret. We are here NOW, nothing else matters. 
It really shows how everyone in here is strong, and that’s our weapon to get through this.

Yes.

I too had to change my mind and be strong to get through this. Accept that I lost people (and they are still gone) but being drug-free was the most important goal of all. Sometimes I look back and am sad that those people are gone but if that meant being on psych drugs today then it just wouldn't be worth it. We have to move forward.

[Kindler]

I'm angry about it. I've lost 10 years of my life to WD and various meds because NOBODY told me I had WD, stress, fibromyalgia etc. Now my mind is completely fried and haven't worked in 6 months, and still the doctors want to put me on more psych drugs! There's something seriously wrong with the whole medical profession. Actually not sure if I'll fully recover from this

[tiredtess]

I think I have lost the majority of my life to all this c**p. After an extensive search for my old hospital records to try and find WHY! I was threatened into hospital I have been told they would have been destroyed. I was told that some records were in the local record office where you go to do family research etc. I had to pay and produce identity for a search to be done as these records are not available for some years to come. I did find out when I was admitted and discharged and that I was in there for just over 7 months. Knowing this information was in this repository gave me an old feeling of abuse. It probably wont matter years down the line if one of my descendants doing family history comes across this info but it matters to me and again as so many times in my life I was not asked.

t

Anti depressants with no review for 40yrs +.Trying to quit Venlafaxin. 2020 Off all psyche meds

[ShiningLight]

Does anyone else have the fear that something will happen and they will die before they can get off the meds (to clarify, not referencing self harm here)? That's one of my biggest fears in this process, especially with covid 19 lurking out there. I have an immune condition and I am in a high risk group.

 

If I died, it would be worse than the lost years--it would be the lost life, and never getting myself back. I want to know who I am under all of this. When I am off the gabapentin, that will be such a relief, but it won't answer that question. It's the zoloft that's been making me so numb and apathetic all of these years. I've been on it for about 22 years at this point. 😩😭

 

Functioning on the drugs is like going through life with your hands tied behind your back. I haven't advanced in my career; there's been no building upon success. My potential has been lost. I feel like I've been swimming upstream in the same place. Every so often, I get exhausted and weak and get swept downstream for awhile, and then have to make the herculean effort to get back to where I was. Rise, wash, and repeat. I've been lucky to be able to be employed most of the time, but I haven't stayed in each job for long. I wanted more for my life.

[Caroline]

On 10/31/2020 at 5:28 AM, tiredtess said:

nowing this information was in this repository gave me an old feeling of abuse. It probably wont matter years down the line if one of my descendants doing family history comes across this info but it matters to me and again as so many times in my life I was not asked.

t

 

I can definitely relate to this. I had files and files outlining times I don't remember. It took me a long time to reach the right people and then I had to pay for a massive box of files. No one in my family could grasp why I wanted to dredge up the past, but it has been a huge gap. Years of medications i barely remember, partly because I was very young and heavily heavily medicated. I just wanted to say I understand where you're coming from 100%. Its a small way of reclaiming a time you had little control.

[tiredtess]

Thank you Caroline, what makes it worse was the rape by a male nurse but with destroyed notes its difficult to prove anything

t

Anti depressants with no review for 40yrs +.Trying to quit Venlafaxin. 2020 Off all psyche meds

 

 

Edited April 12, 2021 by tiredtess
Grammar/spelling

[Mdawg]

On 9/9/2019 at 2:06 PM, Rhiannon said:

various points throughout my tapering years, it's like I've reached a new level of "me"--remembering "oh yeah I remember feeling this way". But almost all of those memories are from before I started the Prozac in 1992. The years after that-- I of course remember specific incidents, where I lived, etc. and I remember what I thought about and a lot of what I did, but it's like I don't remember "me." It's strange. And unspeakably sad. And I am very, very angry about it.

Yes, me too.  Especially since for me I was first drugged at age 12.  And if you’re not “you”, how are you supposed to make your own decisions?  Was it up to me to push to get off them as soon as I turned 18, or does the stunted brain development give me an excuse? Should I even be looking for an excuse?  

[Mdawg]

On 11/25/2019 at 4:25 AM, sunnysideup69 said:

@ShiningLight absolutely right. I'm practicing gratitude so hard right now. Life has had to be rearranged and it feels strange.

Gratitude is imperative and I like your username 

[Mdawg]

On 10/31/2020 at 11:43 AM, ShiningLight said:

Does anyone else have the fear that something will happen and they will die before they can get off the meds (to clarify, not referencing self harm here)? That's one of my biggest fears in this process, especially with covid 19 lurking out there. I have an immune condition and I am in a high risk group.

 

If I died, it would be worse than the lost years--it would be the lost life, and never getting myself back. I want to know who I am under all of this. When I am off the gabapentin, that will be such a relief, but it won't answer that question. It's the zoloft that's been making me so numb and apathetic all of these years. I've been on it for about 22 years at this point. 😩😭

 

Functioning on the drugs is like going through life with your hands tied behind your back. I haven't advanced in my career; there's been no building upon success. My potential has been lost. I feel like I've been swimming upstream in the same place. Every so often, I get exhausted and weak and get swept downstream for awhile, and then have to make the herculean effort to get back to where I was. Rise, wash, and repeat. I've been lucky to be able to be employed most of the time, but I haven't stayed in each job for long. I wanted more for my life.

Hands tied is very powerful.  Same.  For me I was put on the drugs at age 11.  I feel deeply the loss of potential.

[Mdawg]

On 4/12/2021 at 1:34 PM, tiredtess said:

Thank you Caroline, what makes it worse was the rape by a male nurse but with destroyed notes its difficult to prove anything

t

Anti depressants with no review for 40yrs +.Trying to quit Venlafaxin. 2020 Off all psyche meds

 

 

I am so sorry for what you have been through.  You are an incredibly formidable person, and you will get yourself back.