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thecowisback

thecowisback: wondering why I'm giving up Prozac

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thecowisback

it feels right now like i will have to resign myself to going back on pills and spending the rest of my life on them i don't see any other way out. 

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ChessieCat

Hi thecowisback,

 

Many members have experienced increased withdrawal symptoms due to the extra stress of the Christmas/New Year period.

 

Edited by ChessieCat

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ChessieCat
1 hour ago, thecowisback said:

it feels right now like i will have to resign myself to going back on pills and spending the rest of my life on them i don't see any other way out. 

 

I suggest you give it a few weeks to see if the Christmas stress settles down.

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thecowisback

will do. i really don't want to go down that route again but right now i don't know what else to do for the ocd. it's really really bad. i've tried listening to meditation apps and have been reading all my self-help books on ocd but nothing is clicking right now - the thoughts are so huge and seem so real. i just want a rest from my own mind. 

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Altostrata

Can you get any exposure to natural light, tcib? Maybe a lightbox in the morning? It's important to get sunlight to calibrate the nervous system for the sleep cycle.

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thecowisback

thanks for that-i'll try anything right now. i'm at rock bottom and feeling so down that i've been off the meds for nearly 2 years and am still living with constant anxiety. my ocd is worse now than i ever remember it being before i took meds. the way i'm feeling now i would restart them in a heartbeat but i'm scared of wasting those 2years of 'recovery' if the meds don't work. 

22 months with little to show in the way of recovery? has it all been worth it? i feel like i've just thrown away the last 2 years of my life for absolutely nothing 😰😰😰 people keep telling me it will get better but i'm fast losing faith. 

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thecowisback

thanks for those links. it looks like i've got a long long way to go. thinking about it all just makes me despair............

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thecowisback

i'm still thinking about how long all this is going to take. if i go back on meds they may not work and i'll have to spend years weaning off and going through all this again, or i keep ploughing on through this constant panic in the hope it eases in a few years. talk about hobson's choice. 

it says in those links that this could take up to 8 years a more. there is no way on earth i could live through another 6 years like this and that scares the hell out of me. 

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thecowisback

i've been looking back through my diary for the past year and my windows have gone something like this:

 

jan to jun 2-3 days a month (not consecutive) when the panic was much more bearable and intrusive thoughts could be dismissed more easily.

 

july 7 days

 

august 0 days 

 

september to now approx 7 days a month

 

i'm not sure why the windows disappeared in august.

 

does having these 'good' days show that i am slowly healing? at the moment it feels like they are just there to taunt me and show me what a normal life looks like though it is a million miles out of my reach. the day after one of these good days is hell and makes me feel like i'm right back at the beginning. 

i'm trying really hard to think positive today and hopefully more windows will come. 

 

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Orangeblossom77

Hi, just thought would comment as have some similarities with you, have also been on prozac (more on and off though) for 20 years and I noticed you mentioned HRT and I'm in a  similar age range (perimenopausal) and been trying to come off also. I can't seem to tolerate more than 5mg a day now. Something I had tested was my vitamin D level which was low, this can also be low in the winter due to lack of sunlight. My Gp tested this for me. Maybe that might help you also, or to have some in a vitamin. I'm not an expert here though just am also in Uk and it can get dark in winter and be a problem for many people. I also have quite dark skin though which can make a difference. My Gp also tested thyroid as well. The other thing I have found helpful is something called Longvida curcumin.

 

I was also on the mini pill and found stopping that helped a bit so think that hormones can make a difference. Hard to tell at times isn't it.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-breakthrough-depression-solution/201111/psychological-consequences-vitamin-d-deficiency

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thecowisback

hi, i asked the surgery to test for vitamin d and they said they don't do it. i'm taking a supp!lement just in case. i guess perimenopause is also having a bad effect on things. 

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Orangeblossom77

I'm in UK also and GP tested my Vit D. I also have another physical problem though so maybe why. (they tested it)

It may be expensive. Yes good plan maybe to just take some as seems we all need it. I'm trying to get my kids to

take some also.

 

 

I hope things improve for you, sounds like a rough ride these meds can send us on 😞

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ChessieCat
11 hours ago, thecowisback said:

i've been looking back through my diary for the past year and my windows have gone something like this:

 

jan to jun 2-3 days a month (not consecutive) when the panic was much more bearable and intrusive thoughts could be dismissed more easily.

 

july 7 days

 

august 0 days 

 

september to now approx 7 days a month

 

i'm not sure why the windows disappeared in august.

 

does having these 'good' days show that i am slowly healing? at the moment it feels like they are just there to taunt me and show me what a normal life looks like though it is a million miles out of my reach. the day after one of these good days is hell and makes me feel like i'm right back at the beginning. 

i'm trying really hard to think positive today and hopefully more windows will come. 

 

 

Yes, having improved times is a sign that your brain is healing.  Do you tend to overdo things when you are feeling good?

 

Not sure if this has been posted in your topic before.  I used the search but it didn't show anything.

 

"Basically- you have a building where the MAJOR steel structures are trying to be rebuilt at different times - ALL while people are coming and going in the building and attempting to work.

It would be like if the World Trade Center Towers hadn't completely fallen - but had crumbled inside in different places.. Imagine if you were trying to rebuild the tower - WHILE people were coming and going and trying to work in the building!  You'd have to set up a temporary elevator - but when you needed to fix part of that area, you'd have to tear down that elevator and set up a temporary elevator somewhere else. And so on. You'd have to build, work around, then tear down, then build again, then work around, then build... ALL while people are coming and going, ALL while the furniture is being replaced, ALL while the walls are getting repainted... ALL while life is going on INSIDE the building. No doubt it would be chaotic. That is EXACTLY what is happening with windows and waves.  The windows are where the body has "got it right" for a day or so - but then the building shifts and the brain works on something else - and it's chaos again while another temporary pathway is set up to reroute function until repairs are made."

 

15 hours ago, thecowisback said:

it says in those links that this could take up to 8 years a more. there is no way on earth i could live through another 6 years like this and that scares the hell out of me. 

 

I can't speak from experience, however it would seem that generally the windows happen more often and/or the waves are less severe/are shorter.

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thecowisback

that's a really good analogy! i don't tend to do much on my good days as i'm scared to enjoy them because i know they never last longer than 24 hours and then it's back to the anxiety and panic the next day.    is it normal for the panic after a window to be even more intense than usual, or am i perceiving it that way because the window days feel so good? 

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AntiDFree

I also weaned prozac (doesn't deserve a capital P) quickly. I'm not sure that I would have avoided the withdrawals that I had, but when they started, they were severe: violent mood swings, long periods of intense crying for weeks at a time, almost continuously from waking to bed, anger, rage. body twitching.

I'm very into mindfulness practices as they pertain to being the witness of my thoughts and feelings and not identifying with them. I also found Eckhart Tolle's work helpful. He describes the "pain body" in his books "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth."

My practice of being the watcher, detached from personal ownership of the plethora of sensations that I was experiencing from withdrawal helped me immensely. In doing that, I was able to give the withdrawal symptoms freedom to manifest without me resisting them and fighting against it. That alone helped move it along. Also and very important: I had a great deal of trauma in my childhood and the prozac masked the trauma; that's what the anti-Ds do- suppress what is really inside of us. So some of the withdrawal is the masked emotional stuff. That helped me understand and detach from the feelings when they would come up and express. They are just feelings- not you- but feelings. Allowing them to arise and pass through you helps relieve the pressure, kind of like a steam pot loosing pressure. The emotions want out to make room for healing.

There is am expression in the consciousness teachings: become friendly with whatever arises in you and see what happens to it. This is the last thing I wanted to do with these powerful emotions, but it made them flow more smoothly and with less resistance, shortening the withdrawal period. Try it and see. When you notice a wave of emotion or sensation, stop and give it your full attention. Try being friendly with it, instead of reacting and see what happens. You turn your withdrawal into a spiritual practice:-)

I'm now on the last taper of mirtazapine, and I do the same thing.

You are becoming sensitive to a part of you that was suppressed for 20 years. When the clouds clear you'll have new vision.

Peace!

Mark

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thecowisback

thankyou mark. i'm trying hard not to react to thoughts and emotions when they arise (which seems to be 24/7 at the moment - the endless chatter in my head is unbearable at times). 

i'm just waiting for those clouds to clear! i think one of the worst things about being on prozac was the dulling of my emotions. i didn't even realise how bad it was when i took the pills - all i knew was i didn't have that extreme panic any more and that was bliss. i credited the meds for saving my life. now they're not squashing down all those emotions any more it feels like a tidal wave hitting me every days. i'm learning to just ride the wave but it's slow going and each time it hits i panic all over again. 

 

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JackieDecides
On 1/3/2019 at 1:47 AM, thecowisback said:

i credited the meds for saving my life. now they're not squashing down all those emotions any more it feels like a tidal wave hitting me every days.

 

Hi @thecowisback, just wanted to say I've been reading here a bit and sorry things continue to be such a struggle. I wish I could help some way but all I got right now is good wishes for you! ❤️

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thecowisback

thankyou 

❤️

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thecowisback

today is awful. i see no future. there is nothing left to look forward to in life. i feel helpless and hopeless. i'm sick of coping, existing, managing, pushing. i just want my life back. i'm sick of getting up and struggling through each day, then going to bed and having nightmares then being awake half the night. i pretend to each person who comes to the door or calls on the phone that everything is fine. it isn't. it's all hell, every single day, and it never ends. 

i hope to god at some point in the future i can come back here and read this and see how unhappy i was at this time. i hope at that point i'm feeling better and will be surprised at how low i felt at this time. 

i hope and wish, i wish and hope. that's all i can do right now. 

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powerback
1 hour ago, thecowisback said:

today is awful. i see no future. there is nothing left to look forward to in life. i feel helpless and hopeless. i'm sick of coping, existing, managing, pushing. i just want my life back. i'm sick of getting up and struggling through each day, then going to bed and having nightmares then being awake half the night. i pretend to each person who comes to the door or calls on the phone that everything is fine. it isn't. it's all hell, every single day, and it never ends. 

i hope to god at some point in the future i can come back here and read this and see how unhappy i was at this time. i hope at that point i'm feeling better and will be surprised at how low i felt at this time. 

i hope and wish, i wish and hope. that's all i can do right now. 

I hear you my friend ,I'm sending you a shoulder and we can  drag ourselves to the next stage ,forcing myself to find up lifting music .im getting my ass kicked by Tyson today .we look forward to spring .we simply have no other choice .🙏

Take care thecowisback .

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thecowisback

🖤

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thecowisback

yesterday was depression ( i don't get this so often) today it's back to the usual anxiety. terrible intrusive thoughts, panicking about things that need to be done in the future, things that may happen, things i've done in past etc 

still holding off asking the doc for more meds. really don't want to go down that route but am feeling so desperate for relief from this torment in my mind. i just want my head to be QUIET!!! it never shuts up, it never stops finding new ways to frighten me. 

 

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powerback
1 hour ago, thecowisback said:

yesterday was depression ( i don't get this so often) today it's back to the usual anxiety. terrible intrusive thoughts, panicking about things that need to be done in the future, things that may happen, things i've done in past etc 

still holding off asking the doc for more meds. really don't want to go down that route but am feeling so desperate for relief from this torment in my mind. i just want my head to be QUIET!!! it never shuts up, it never stops finding new ways to frighten me. 

 

you've written well TCIB my exact situation.

I had an anxiety attack earlier ,my phone went ,I didn't recognise the number [it was the supermarket delivery guy ,ringing to give me an earlier slot ,glad I answered .had a nice interaction with him .we keep at it and practicing understanding a lot of it is nonsense chatter .

its hard though ,like yesterday was a day to just get past it for me .

We keep at it .

Take care . 

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thecowisback

that's me exactly - everything sets my panic off. if the post arrives i think there's going to be a letter in it telling me something terrible. if the phone rings i think it's someone with bad news. our electrics tripped out earlier when a bulb went upstairs so i've spent the day thinking there's something terribly wrong with the wiring in the house. i don't know if you ever used to watch catherine tate - she had a character that screamed every time she heard a noise. that is a comic version of how i am nowadays.  

have you found things easing for you lately? i know you were having problems back in october. are things still the same? 

 

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thecowisback

the stupid thing is when i've been worrying about something for a long time (some things i've worried myself to the point of vomiting) when i'm proved wrong and that thing turns out to be ok i swear to myself i'll never worry about anything again - then it's only a matter of time until another worry pops in my head and the whole cycle starts again. 

with things that i have no answer to or no-one can reassure me about i try to tell myself lots of other things i've worried about have turned out to be ok so this thing will probably be fine to, but my stupid mind doesn't believe what i'm telling it and thinks that this time things will be different and something big will happen or go wrong. 

i just want some peace and quiet. 

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powerback
32 minutes ago, thecowisback said:

that's me exactly - everything sets my panic off. if the post arrives i think there's going to be a letter in it telling me something terrible. if the phone rings i think it's someone with bad news. our electrics tripped out earlier when a bulb went upstairs so i've spent the day thinking there's something terribly wrong with the wiring in the house. i don't know if you ever used to watch catherine tate - she had a character that screamed every time she heard a noise. that is a comic version of how i am nowadays.  

have you found things easing for you lately? i know you were having problems back in october. are things still the same? 

 

Lol ye I seen that catherine tate episode.

The big thing is to realise its our system and not the whole total of whowe are .

It comes down to CBT and some mindfulness and practicing understanding our reaction .

My biggest problem is my  fractured ego ,I have let some people in and ive been open with them and lately a freind jeers me when it suits him ,this is dangerous territory for me because im afraid of snapping and thus making myself look even worse .

I think in the future people need to be very guarded who they tell because its used against us when it suits others mood.

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thecowisback

that's horrible!!! there's nothing worse than trusting someone with your problems then them ridiculing them or using them against you. i'm a very guarded person with other people in real life for the same reason. i find it very hard to trust anyone. 

 

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powerback

Ive been out while very fragile ,one day a neighbour walked past and hes dog barked ,I.jumped out of my skin ,i felt like a wally .this is my ego being afraid of being vulnerable .

Irish culture use your "faults"(sorry for the word) against you and beat you with it.

Im humbled and destroyed for life in many ways because of this proccess .

I cant be around 90% ofmy past peers because of what they represent.

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powerback
5 minutes ago, thecowisback said:

that's horrible!!! there's nothing worse than trusting someone with your problems then them ridiculing them or using them against you. i'm a very guarded person with other people in real life for the same reason. i find it very hard to trust anyone. 

 

Well your correct not to trust people while being this vulnerable .

 

I do some work with this guy and its the building game culture (eat you alive),I give as good as I get in the past ,but the last few years living with such a painful sensitive thin skin is awful .

I need to change how I treat others myself to be honest also.

 

 

 

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JackieDecides
11 hours ago, thecowisback said:

i just want some peace and quiet. 

 

I'm sorry things have been so hard for you and hope change is coming soon. ☹️

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thecowisback
8 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

I'm sorry things have been so hard for you and hope change is coming soon. ☹️

thankyou. i keep hoping better days are just round the corner....

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thecowisback

i've ruined the weekend for my family because of my panic attacks. i keep obsessing about how i've screwed their lives up with the bad decisions i've made over the years. yesterday i just didn't want to be here any more. i don't know how to put things right. is it a straight choice between taking meds again or not existing? there must be another way? if there is i can't see it right now. i just want the noise in my head telling me what a terrible person i am to stop.

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thecowisback

i'm hoping to get an appt with the doctor tomorrow and ask for prozac. 

i'll ask for the liquid but i know they don't like prescribing liquids around here because of the cost (i found that out in the past when a family member was on medication and couldn't swallow pills). 

if i have to have the capsules i'll try making my own liquid and try 1mg. 

 

have i got this right - to make a liquid i need to tip the powder from a 20mg capsule into 20ml of water, mix, then draw off 1ml of liquid - correct? do i just drink it as it is or does it need to be mixed with juice? if i make a weaker solution of 20mg to 40ml of water then i'd need 2ml to make 1mg of medicine, yes?? 

 

 

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JackieDecides
18 hours ago, thecowisback said:

i just want the noise in my head telling me what a terrible person i am to stop.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. ☹️

 

@Altostrata

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