Plshelp: olanzapine 5mg

[Martina23]

Plshelp, you have to believe on yourself. I am sure your body can correct itself. Give it a chance. Are you already completely off the drugs? Because really the improvement I started to feel first when I was off the drugs. You just have to believe that your body can recover. I saw that you get so less help in this ordeal from your relatives like me. Dont let them doubt about yourself. You know the best what is going on and your body is the best doctor for itself, it will help you and do what it can, dont despair.

[Plshelp]

So... My parents don't want me living at their house anymore. My mom says that if she knew that I was going to come home from the hospital and sit around do nothing, that she would never have allowed it. She says that I'm not trying to do anything and I only do things that suit me when I want. Which isn't true. I'm trying to do the most and best that I can daily. I told them that I have brain damage from these drugs they said that I better go live someplace where they can help me and take care of me. B/c my parents have tried and they said that I'm not helping myself. Mom said that this "brain damage" that I have, or how the antipsychotics have caused me to be this way, is all in my head - I told her that it is - I can't do anything to change it, just like your illness is all in your head (she's got an illness similar to MS). Mom also said that I'm ruining her happiness and that she wants to spend whatever time she has left being happy, that she would rather see me as a vegetable than what I am right now. She can't stand my constant moping around the house. (I'm apathetic and she doesn't get it). She fights with me daily and then tells me that she doesn't want to fight. She will scream at me and I ask her not to and she tells me she's fed up. When I scream back, my dad tells me to stop screaming and I said it's b/c mom is screaming at me and he says, no she isn't. She's the one flipping out on me constantly and threatening me outta no where, or sometimes if I say something she doesn't like or I don't say anything. I can't win. She told me the other day that if I don't come home by 11pm that they're going to change the locks and lock me out of the house b/c I can't abide by their rules. I was at a friend's place watching a 3hr movie and got home at 1am. I told her that and she screamed at me and told me she doesn't care. She said that she's going to call the cops to take me away from here. I feel like she's going to start a fight, regardless if I respond or not and then call the cops and lie to them to take me away to the hospital, so she can get rid of me. She's said before that she doesn't know if I'm having delusions and I've told her that I'm not. That I never did - I was just scared that my ex was going to harm me - b/c he was manipulative, abusive and stalking me. But my parents and the doctors wouldn't listen and forced me to take medication against my will. She's constantly telling me that if I don't like way things here are and the rules, that I should move out. So I just keep my mouth shut. I try to help out when I can, with laundry, dishes, sweeping, cleaning the bathroom, etc. And then they said that they can't go anywhere without me - I'm scared to be alone b/c I have no thoughts in my head and I don't feel well - so I go with them to the grocery store and for drives for ice cream and to the mountains (I would do the same thing before - I don't see why it's an issue now). I've gone out to my friends place or to a movie to give them some relief and mom and dad don't see the effort that I making and they don't know how extremely difficult it for me to do it. I can't move into a supportive living place atm b/c I'm getting too much money from my insurance company thru work, I don't qualify. I can't move out into an apartment on my own, b/c I can't even function - I can't take care of myself, I have force myself to eat and drink fluids and shower. I can't even make meals on my own. I'm scared b/c I don't want to go back to the hospital and be put back on antipsychotics for no reason, but I think my parents are going to lie and send me away, unless I can find someplace to live. But I've tried and idk what to do. 

[Plshelp]

On 11/09/2017 at 9:03 AM, Martina23 said:

Plshelp, you have to believe on yourself. I am sure your body can correct itself. Give it a chance. Are you already completely off the drugs? Because really the improvement I started to feel first when I was off the drugs. You just have to believe that your body can recover. I saw that you get so less help in this ordeal from your relatives like me. Dont let them doubt about yourself. You know the best what is going on and your body is the best doctor for itself, it will help you and do what it can, dont despair.

I have been off the drugs for 8 weeks. I have the same patterns that persist with my bodily sensations and my sleep. My mood is the only thing that has been fluctuating. From despair, severe depression, feeling disconnected to a random day of feeling calm, slightly hopeful and connected. That's all. Nothing else is letting up. I really feel that my body and brain aren't going to heal. That I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life. 

 

So many ppl who have recovered, have withdrawn from the meds or partially recovered have all seen improvements. I have not.

 

I see my pdoc tomorrow. I sent her 2 emails. One on my issues and level of functioning. The other one asking her for help to relocate to a facility where supportive living is offered. 

 

I feel so trapped in my lifeless body and completely despondent. 

[Martina23]

Plshelp, 8 weeks off the drugs is too little. You have to understand that normally the recovery can take even some years. The recovery is gradual and so slow, that it is almost unrecognizable. Maybe you could lead journal, then you can better recognize the gradual improvements. Let it at least one year to see bigger improvements, it is normal to be still in the thick of it at 8 weeks off. In 8 weeks off the withdrawal by me was at its worst, so it is normal. Dont dispair.

[MollyN]

Hi plshelp,  I'm glad that you were able to describe your situation so vividly. I wish that I could do more than acknowledging how impossible it must seem right now to be stuck in  a body and mind that just aren't responding. I agree wholeheartedly with Martina23, 8 weeks off is just a tiny blip of time, there is so much healing still to come if you can just hold on in there. 

 

I wonder if getting a small apartment by yourself isn't such a terrible thing? I wonder sometimes that when we know that no-one will catch us if we fall, that we are able to find strength and reserves we didn't even have an inkling that we had. Certainly, the stress and guilt from your present situation can't be helping your recovery. 

 

Thanks for hoping my life is grand  It's pretty bad right now unfortunately, but I'll have to be brave and post about that in my journal xxx 

 

I know I'm just a nobody online, but I care about you and am hoping the best for your eventual recovery xxx

[Plshelp]

On 17/09/2017 at 11:44 AM, Martina23 said:

Plshelp, 8 weeks off the drugs is too little. You have to understand that normally the recovery can take even some years. The recovery is gradual and so slow, that it is almost unrecognizable. Maybe you could lead journal, then you can better recognize the gradual improvements. Let it at least one year to see bigger improvements, it is normal to be still in the thick of it at 8 weeks off. In 8 weeks off the withdrawal by me was at its worst, so it is normal. Dont dispair.

 

Recovery taking years scares me, b/c I struggling to get thru the minutes right now. 

 

I have been journaling my shifts in moods and how productive I've been on a daily basis.

 

Sunday was a really screwed up day. I woke with anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. I went to leave the house to go visit a friend and to give my parents a break. I started crying my face off in the car. Felt depressed all day, suicidal, despondent. Then became really exhausted - which isn't like me. Then it kinda lifted and I was feeling calm and somewhat hopeful in life. Then it switched back to depression again Monday morning. Blech! This is so frustrating! 

 

8 weeks was the thick of it and the worst for you? Omg. Where are you now? 

[Martina23]

You shouldnt concentrate on it that the recovery can take years. Try to live now, try to enjoy whatever positive is on each day, and the things that dont function just tell yourself: My body will solve it when the time is ripe. Believe on your body that it will solve the problem, there are only so many partial things your body has to do to finally solve one issue, that sometimes it can not be immediately and can take some time.

 

I feel ok. I am not fully recovered but I dont suffer anymore as I did. Some symptoms are still here, but I honestly dont suffer anymore. I enjoy each day as it comes.

 

You will do it. Dont worry! Just dont think too much about it, try to see something positive in each day, there is always something positive, if nothing else than for example that you are living, go window shopping, buy yourself a chocolate, or go to the nature, or strolling or looking at the people outside there are so many options. There is always something to do, even in withdrawal :-)

[Plshelp]

On 17/09/2017 at 2:01 PM, MollyN said:

Hi plshelp,  I'm glad that you were able to describe your situation so vividly. I wish that I could do more than acknowledging how impossible it must seem right now to be stuck in  a body and mind that just aren't responding. I agree wholeheartedly with Martina23, 8 weeks off is just a tiny blip of time, there is so much healing still to come if you can just hold on in there. 

 

I wonder if getting a small apartment by yourself isn't such a terrible thing? I wonder sometimes that when we know that no-one will catch us if we fall, that we are able to find strength and reserves we didn't even have an inkling that we had. Certainly, the stress and guilt from your present situation can't be helping your recovery. 

 

Thanks for hoping my life is grand  It's pretty bad right now unfortunately, but I'll have to be brave and post about that in my journal xxx 

 

I know I'm just a nobody online, but I care about you and am hoping the best for your eventual recovery xxx

I am very self aware of what's happening. Even my pdoc says that it's both a good thing, yet a curse. She thinks that I read too much into things. I don't though. 

 

8 weeks is still just a tiny blip of time? Omg. It feels like it's been an eternity! 

 

Getting an apt would require me to move furniture. I would have to hire movers. Plus be alone in an apt. I wouldn't be able to handle that at all. I need to be around ppl all the time. And even then I'm still on my phone, b/c it's the only time I feel like I'm using my brain to think. If my mom didn't cook for me, I probably wouldn't eat. I don't have an appétite and have to force feed myself daily and to drink fluids. I get my cues to do that when I see others doing it. 

 

I also struggle to function daily. Yesterday was an exception. I had really bad anxiety and struggled to get myself out the door. I went to the pdoc, had to fill a script(she's getting me to try Dexidrine - see if it'll pick up my mood and motivation). While I was waiting - I put air in my tires - b/c it has alarmed on the dash for the last week. Then I came home. Cut up an onion for mom. Did the dishes after dinner. And did a load of laundry. That's a highly productive day. And every second of it was sheer utter hell.  

 

Otherwise I get up. Stay in my pj's all day. Force myself to eat. Play games on the computer with mom and follow her around the house until bedtime. 

 

Why is your life pretty bad right now? I need to jump over to your thread and follow it. 

 

"I know I'm just a nobody online, but I care about you and am hoping the best for your eventual recovery xxx"

- I have to say - this is one of the nicest things anyone has said. Thank you Mollyn! <3 I'm literally trying to hold on every minute in my life. You have no idea. Yesterday I was looking up where to purchase phenobarbital online. The company wrote me back saying that it would cost me $500usd. - like how effed up is that? 

 

I've also looked up other ways to die. I have a few plans, but that's all they are. Is plans. I am too chicken atm to follow thru with any of them.

 

One, b/c I desperately want to get better and get my life back. So I keep holding on. B/c everyone that writes me encourages me to keep holding on, that things will get better, that it just takes time. So I try to see hope even though I am despondent(I have an occasional moment where I feel a little more hopeful).

 

Two, I don't think I have the guts to follow thru with the plan, it's hard when you're apathetic and have avolition. I also don't want to end up more damaged than I already am.

 

Three, I don't want to do that to my parents - that would be devastating - they already can't handle seeing me so disabled now. Mom says that I'm ruining her happiness and she hates being alive. This makes me feel deeply saddened. 

 

Omg. Sorry for the long reply. I hate when ppl send big long replies. I struggle to find energy to respond. 

[Plshelp]

2 hours ago, Martina23 said:

You shouldnt concentrate on it that the recovery can take years. Try to live now, try to enjoy whatever positive is on each day, and the things that dont function just tell yourself: My body will solve it when the time is ripe. Believe on your body that it will solve the problem, there are only so many partial things your body has to do to finally solve one issue, that sometimes it can not be immediately and can take some time.

 

I feel ok. I am not fully recovered but I dont suffer anymore as I did. Some symptoms are still here, but I honestly dont suffer anymore. I enjoy each day as it comes.

 

You will do it. Dont worry! Just dont think too much about it, try to see something positive in each day, there is always something positive, if nothing else than for example that you are living, go window shopping, buy yourself a chocolate, or go to the nature, or strolling or looking at the people outside there are so many options. There is always something to do, even in withdrawal :-)

I really try to focus on the positives each day. It's hard. I don't feel any positive emotions. I try to focus on the little things that I do everyday. Like get up. Force myself to eat breakfast. Play games with mom. Help her with dinner. Do dishes. Watch tv. (this is really all that I do daily). I have some friends - 2 that invite me out to a movie, or to go eat. Otherwise I go to the grocery store with my parents or go to bingo with them. Life is pretty drab. But I'm trying to get thru the days minute by minute. 

 

Antipsychotics are the devil. They absolve you of everything you need to live, love and have a meaningful life. I hate that I was put on them and wish I could change the past. 

 

You are very lucky that you are partially recovered, that you're able to function and enjoy things and that you're not suffering anymore. I really want to get to a place like that. You have no idea. I miss my life, my personality, my level of functioning, my relationships with my friends and family. Now everything has been destroyed. 

 

Everything now is living one minute at a time... 

[Martina23]

1 minute ago, Plshelp said:

I really try to focus on the positives each day. It's hard. I don't feel any positive emotions. I try to focus on the little things that I do everyday. Like get up. Force myself to eat breakfast. Play games with mom. Help her with dinner. Do dishes. Watch tv. (this is really all that I do daily). I have some friends - 2 that invite me out to a movie, or to go eat. Otherwise I go to the grocery store with my parents or go to bingo with them. Life is pretty drab. But I'm trying to get thru the days minute by minute. 

 

Antipsychotics are the devil. They absolve you of everything you need to live, love and have a meaningful life. I hate that I was put on them and wish I could change the past. 

 

You are very lucky that you are partially recovered, that you're able to function and enjoy things and that you're not suffering anymore. I really want to get to a place like that. You have no idea. I miss my life, my personality, my level of functioning, my relationships with my friends and family. Now everything has been destroyed. 

 

Everything now is living one minute at a time... 

You will come to that place. In two years you would see your suffering now only as a distant memory, nothing more. Now your only job is to survive until then so that your body can show you that it can indeed heal everything what has been damaged by antipsychotics. You“ll see.

[Plshelp]

On 19/09/2017 at 2:19 PM, Martina23 said:

You will come to that place. In two years you would see your suffering now only as a distant memory, nothing more. Now your only job is to survive until then so that your body can show you that it can indeed heal everything what has been damaged by antipsychotics. You“ll see.

2 years? Goodness gracious! I don't know how I'm going to make it thru another month. Living like this is horrendous. Were you as disabled as me? There's no guarantee that I'll recover - none at all! 

 

Plus I'm having to look into moving into a group home, bcus my parents don't want me living at their house, bcus of how disabled I am. 

 

This isn't fair. Being misdiagnosed and forced against my will to take poison that would damage my brain and impair me so I can barely function is totally inhumane. I miss my old life so much. You have no idea. 

[Martina23]

Yes. I was disabled like you. I was very disabled. Try not to concentrate on your discomfort, find some activity which will make you fun so that you can pass the day. It will slowly get better.

 

 

8 hours ago, Plshelp said:

 

 

[MollyN]

Hi plz, I love your long posts, and there aren't any expectations here, so you can post or not post as it suits you <freedom!>

 

Was impressed you responded to the dash light re the tyre pressure! I tend to see a light like that as a new decoration on the dash and ignore until the day I fail my warrant of fitness because the tyres are worn due to low pressure.

 

How's the journalling going? Can you tell me a little about what you write, how much etc? (or don't lol that's fine too - no expectations ) It's been recommended to me so many times, but like most things, I only do them until I start to feel better, then promptly stop... then feel bad again.. and forget what it was that made the difference. It's little wonder I annoy myself so much!

 

What do you think a group home would be like? I kind of have this vision of a bunch of folks who for various reasons have fallen on hard times and are just trying to get by day to day in the best way they can. There might be some solace in that kind of companionship do you think? I remember the overwhelming feeling I had at the beginning of being at NA meetings,  that these people knew what it was to suffer, and that made me feel comforted and less alone. All social divisions and judgment just kind of fell away. 

 

In fact, thinking on that, I had the same feelings when I was a single mum with four young children receiving state welfare. There I was on the bones of my bum, sitting in the waiting room for an appt where I'd have to beg for a little extra money to visit a dentist because of severe pain, whilst trying to ensure the tiny children and I looked respectable and well behaved so 'people' wouldn't judge us even more harshly, and all around the room, desperate mums and dads were doing exactly the same. Maybe we looked different, but we had an absolute shared humanity. There was definitely a sister/brotherhood on struggle street!

 

love mollynxxx

 

 

[MollyN]

oh, also, I just had the good fortune to read some way through Martina23's journal and if you haven't already, then I'd highly recommend it! When she encourages  you and tells you you'll get through this, she's talking from personal and terrible experience and she asked the exact same questions as you in fear and desperation. (sorry for speaking for you Martina, I hope you don't mind). 

 

I hope today held a glimpse of something beautifully ordinary for you xxx

[Plshelp]

On 28/09/2017 at 2:37 AM, Martina23 said:

Yes. I was disabled like you. I was very disabled. Try not to concentrate on your discomfort, find some activity which will make you fun so that you can pass the day. It will slowly get better.

 

 

 

How were you disabled like me? 

 

I try to distract myself daily as best as I can. It's really hard though. I don't find joy in anything. 

 

The days are very long b/c I have a distortion in time. That's from a lack of neurotransmitters in my brain. 

 

Seriously, what these doctors do is sheer cruelty. 

[Plshelp]

22 hours ago, MollyN said:

Hi plz, I love your long posts, and there aren't any expectations here, so you can post or not post as it suits you <freedom!>

 

Was impressed you responded to the dash light re the tyre pressure! I tend to see a light like that as a new decoration on the dash and ignore until the day I fail my warrant of fitness because the tyres are worn due to low pressure.

 

How's the journalling going? Can you tell me a little about what you write, how much etc? (or don't lol that's fine too - no expectations ) It's been recommended to me so many times, but like most things, I only do them until I start to feel better, then promptly stop... then feel bad again.. and forget what it was that made the difference. It's little wonder I annoy myself so much!

 

What do you think a group home would be like? I kind of have this vision of a bunch of folks who for various reasons have fallen on hard times and are just trying to get by day to day in the best way they can. There might be some solace in that kind of companionship do you think? I remember the overwhelming feeling I had at the beginning of being at NA meetings,  that these people knew what it was to suffer, and that made me feel comforted and less alone. All social divisions and judgment just kind of fell away. 

 

In fact, thinking on that, I had the same feelings when I was a single mum with four young children receiving state welfare. There I was on the bones of my bum, sitting in the waiting room for an appt where I'd have to beg for a little extra money to visit a dentist because of severe pain, whilst trying to ensure the tiny children and I looked respectable and well behaved so 'people' wouldn't judge us even more harshly, and all around the room, desperate mums and dads were doing exactly the same. Maybe we looked different, but we had an absolute shared humanity. There was definitely a sister/brotherhood on struggle street!

 

love mollynxxx

 

 

I've been journaling about my mood, my sleep anything that's changing or not changing - mostly nothing is changing. What the doctors are saying. Whatever. 

 

Group home - will be very much like the hospital - living with a bunch of other mentally ill ppl - most of them were really dumb compared to me. It was very frustrating. They aren't very social - very withdrawn actually and some of them make no sense at all when you talk to them. Plus they're irritating. So, I'm not really looking forward to it. Not one bit. It's more like transitional housing where ppl go to learn skills and get better to move onto independent living. But I know all those things and skills, I just can't do them b/c I'm permanently disabled from the medication. 

 

I have a diploma in culinary arts and in medical laboratory technology. Plus a few other certificates. All are kinda useless to me at this point, b/c I can't even use my brain to do anything. 

 

I feel very despondent and wish I could just die in my sleep. This isn't living. This is hell. 

 

Oh and btw mollyn, was martina on al the antipsychotics that I was? Did she have all the issues that I have? With the sleep patterns and the lack of bodily sensations? What about the no thoughts, motivation and emotions? Lack of sex drive? I feel dead inside on so many levels. Plus I can't taste or smell anything. This is really not living.

 

I wish I could find some way to die in my sleep. Hell. I've thought about paying someone to strangle me in my sleep, suffocate me in my sleep, take pills or ingest chemicals. 

 

I somehow keep going and idk how to get up everyday or know what to do anymore. My mom ignores me and doesn't want me to follow her around, but idk what else to do with myself. I'm so brain damaged this effing sucks. 

 

[Martina23]

16 minutes ago, Plshelp said:

How were you disabled like me? 

 

I try to distract myself daily as best as I can. It's really hard though. I don't find joy in anything. 

 

The days are very long b/c I have a distortion in time. That's from a lack of neurotransmitters in my brain. 

 

Seriously, what these doctors do is sheer cruelty. 

Plshelp, I was on antipsychotika only a few days, I took Lyrica,which has a similar withdrawal like benzodiazepines, when I stopped I was suicidal, had intrusive thoughts/urges to harm others, akathisia, cortisol surges, surges of negative energy through whole my body, bugs,were crawling my skin, could not sleep, depression, was crying whole the time, cognitive impairment, problems with memory, understanding things, my brain felt forever damaged, intrusive images, imagination damaged etc.

 

So I wasnt better on it than you.

[Marsha]

Hi Plshelp. See my signature. I was on many drugs, including several antipsychotics. I have recovered substantially from the most disabling symptoms. I certainly understand your feelings of desperation. That in itself shows you do still feel things. But as time passes your pleasant feelings will return.  MollyN has made some helpful comments and observations. Like she said,  no one is judging you here. We are or have been in a very similar situation. It takes time and patience, something many of us struggle with.  

[Plshelp]

21 hours ago, Martina23 said:

Plshelp, I was on antipsychotika only a few days, I took Lyrica,which has a similar withdrawal like benzodiazepines, when I stopped I was suicidal, had intrusive thoughts/urges to harm others, akathisia, cortisol surges, surges of negative energy through whole my body, bugs,were crawling my skin, could not sleep, depression, was crying whole the time, cognitive impairment, problems with memory, understanding things, my brain felt forever damaged, intrusive images, imagination damaged etc.

 

So I wasnt better on it than you.

 

16 hours ago, Marsha said:

Hi Plshelp. See my signature. I was on many drugs, including several antipsychotics. I have recovered substantially from the most disabling symptoms. I certainly understand your feelings of desperation. That in itself shows you do still feel things. But as time passes your pleasant feelings will return.  MollyN has made some helpful comments and observations. Like she said,  no one is judging you here. We are or have been in a very similar situation. It takes time and patience, something many of us struggle with.  

I'm confused. You said you were on an antipsychotic for only a few days. Then you said later that you were on several antipsychotics. Your symptoms sound painful. But they sound minimal compared to mine and less permanent and more manageable. You're so lucky to have thoughts in your head and to be able to feel emotions. 

 

I notice patterns. My sleep-how it's screwed up, my bodily sensations and the lack of motivation, thoughts, emotions, depersonalization, derealization. The distortion in perception of time. My memory issues, my inability to think and process information. I literally don't know what to do with myself - I follow my mom around b/c I don't know what else to do. I just follow ppl around and ask them questions. I have no personality or interests at all anymore. You're lucky that you didn't have as many symptoms as me and that yours were mostly cognitive things and less physical or less mentally impairing. Not having motivation, interests, emotions and thoughts is very disabling. I don't even have the desire to go for walks or to go running again. It sucks bcus I used to love that so much. 

 

I'm desperate b/c the days are so long and I'm so screwed up and am barely functioning daily. It's really not great. I feel like a veggie tard. 

[Marsha]

8 minutes ago, Plshelp said:

 

I'm confused. You said you were on an antipsychotic for only a few days. Then you said later that you were on several antipsychotics. Your symptoms sound painful. But they sound minimal compared to mine and less permanent and more manageable. You're so lucky to have thoughts in your head and to be able to feel emotions. 

 

I notice patterns. My sleep-how it's screwed up, my bodily sensations and the lack of motivation, thoughts, emotions, depersonalization, derealization. The distortion in perception of time. My memory issues, my inability to think and process information. I literally don't know what to do with myself - I follow my mom around b/c I don't know what else to do. I just follow ppl around and ask them questions. I have no personality or interests at all anymore. You're lucky that you didn't have as many symptoms as me and that yours were mostly cognitive things and less physical or less mentally impairing. Not having motivation, interests, emotions and thoughts is very disabling. I don't even have the desire to go for walks or to go running again. It sucks bcus I used to love that so much. 

 

I'm desperate b/c the days are so long and I'm so screwed up and am barely functioning daily. It's really not great. I feel like a veggie tard. 

Hi pls. I think perhaps because maybe our names are similar, Martina, Marsha, is it possible the posts you quoted, you might have thought were both from martina? Anyway this is Marsha,  and I still feel like a "veggie tard" some days too. But not as much anymore.  Just dealing with other stuff. 

[Shep]

On 9/19/2017 at 2:03 PM, Plshelp said:

I also struggle to function daily. Yesterday was an exception. I had really bad anxiety and struggled to get myself out the door. I went to the pdoc, had to fill a script(she's getting me to try Dexidrine - see if it'll pick up my mood and motivation).

 

Hi, Plshelp.

 

As you can see in my signature, I was on Dexetrine. It was prescribed to help me get up and go to work and counteract  the sedation of being drugged on antipsychotics, 2 benzos, and a z-drug. So I'm very familiar with stimulants and their side effects such as insomnia, anxiety, and worsening dp/dr. 

 

It's definitely not a drug that will help with withdrawal and may cause some major problems for you in the future because it's a very potent stimulant. 

 

 

26 minutes ago, Plshelp said:

I notice patterns. My sleep-how it's screwed up, my bodily sensations and the lack of motivation, thoughts, emotions, depersonalization, derealization.

 

 

The last thing you should be taking is a stimulant if you are suffering from insomnia. 

 

You are only 2 months off your antipsychotic and it's not unusual to have such severe symptoms, but it will get better with time. 

 

Have you already started taking the Dexetrine? 

[Plshelp]

13 hours ago, Marsha said:

Hi pls. I think perhaps because maybe our names are similar, Martina, Marsha, is it possible the posts you quoted, you might have thought were both from martina? Anyway this is Marsha,  and I still feel like a "veggie tard" some days too. But not as much anymore.  Just dealing with other stuff. 

Omg. I didn't even realize that. Thank you for pointing that out to me. I apologize. I used to be so détail oriented and wouldn't screw something like that up. 

 

You understand my feelings of desperation? 

 

You're lucky that you don't feel like a veggie tard everyday. I pray multiple times a day that I'll heal. 

 

Last night I tried taking a THC concentrate. I don't think it did anything, except I woke with a horrendous headache. I thought it would help boost my dopamine. But maybe my receptors are too damaged to cycle it thru? Idk. I know I was having headaches almost daily when I took the Dexidrine. Mostly felt the headaches in the frontal lobe. So maybe it was altering something? Or just frying my brain more? No clue. 

 

I'm scouring the internet to find some supplements that might help. Read something on uridine - it regenerates the d1 and d2 receptors. Maybe worth a try? Idk I'm scared to try nootropics. I struggle even now to take fish oils and magnesium. 

 

MARSHA - is there anything that you took that helped? Are you on supplements? Did you suffer from lack of thoughts, bodily sensations and have a crazy sleep pattern? Thx. 

[Plshelp]

On 30/09/2017 at 10:43 AM, Shep said:

 

Hi, Plshelp.

 

As you can see in my signature, I was on Dexetrine. It was prescribed to help me get up and go to work and counteract  the sedation of being drugged on antipsychotics, 2 benzos, and a z-drug. So I'm very familiar with stimulants and their side effects such as insomnia, anxiety, and worsening dp/dr. 

 

It's definitely not a drug that will help with withdrawal and may cause some major problems for you in the future because it's a very potent stimulant. 

 

I don't think that I'm in withdrawal whatsoever. I don't have withdrawal symptoms. Nothing is fluctuating. I have concrete patterns that have developed. Like the antipsychotics have chemically altered and damaged my brain. 

 

On 30/09/2017 at 10:43 AM, Shep said:

The last thing you should be taking is a stimulant if you are suffering from insomnia. 

 

You are only 2 months off your antipsychotic and it's not unusual to have such severe symptoms, but it will get better with time. 

 

Have you already started taking the Dexetrine? 

 

I am 3 months off antipsychotics. These same patterns that existed while I was on the drug, are still persisting I do not have insomnia. I go to sleep between 11pm and 2am. Wake 3x during the night from vivid dreams, heart beating fast, tummy gurgling and being flatulent. Then I wake up everyday at 9am and am completely alert. I'm always alert. I don't ever feel rested, or good. I sometimes get tired feel feeling, but not often and I can't sleep during the day at all. No matter how hard I try. It's like my whole circadian rhythm is totally off. I have no perception of time(time appears to be insanely slow), I also can't tell whether it's day or night. 

 

I took the Dexidrine for a week and then stopped. It didn't do anything for me. I had headaches, nausea and diarrhoea. The pdoc said that it didn't affect her either. 

 

I have been reading online about the hypothalamus and what it controls. All of what I'm suffering from is hypothalamus related. I feel that this part of my brain has been altered by the antipsychotics and I don't know how to get it functioning properly again. 

 

 

[Plshelp]

I feel awful everyday. This is not living. I hate the doctors that did this to me. 

[bhasski]

I too feel same , not only for doctors but for family who ignored me... and I am living among them.

 

When will the things change ?

[MollyN]

Great to see you plshelp, I'm sorry for another tough day, how are things going with your mum?  xxxmollyn

[Plshelp]

12 hours ago, bhasski said:

I too feel same , not only for doctors but for family who ignored me... and I am living among them.

 

When will the things change ?

Bhasski. What do you mean about your family? 

Are you experiencing any relief in symptoms? 

Or are you damaged also? 

[Plshelp]

11 hours ago, MollyN said:

Great to see you plshelp, I'm sorry for another tough day, how are things going with your mum?  xxxmollyn

Mollyn. 

Thx. This sucks. How are you faring? Were you on antipsychotics? I can't remember. 

 

Things atm are ok. Idk why. I'm seeing the new pdoc once a week. It makes me feel less crappy b/c I don't feel like it's an eternity before I see someone. A week still feels like a month has passed though and I feel scared all the time -trying to get thru the day is so hard. I wish my circadian rhythm wasn't totally screwed, I wish I had thoughts, emotions, motivation, etc. I hate living in this dead zombie shell of who I used to be. 😢

[MollyN]

Hi honey xxx I'm always so glad to hear from you, and I see you've been posting in people's threads - that's such a good way to connect with people. Finding out we're not alone in our suffering does ease the pain somewhat xxx 

 

Last night I watched Peter Breggin's youtube series called 'Simple Truths about Psychiatry'. He repeatedly mentions all the drugs you were taking. If you do fancy watching them, it might be worth inviting your mom to watch them with you?  I think it might be very eye-opening for her. He has a wonderful manner, and it's like a therapy session all of its own. They're not long to watch either (around 10-13mins each). 

 

The 4th video 'how to help a deeply disturbed person' was very impactful. It made me think of us and how this was the help we'd really needed at the time we were prescribed the drugs. 

 

If you do consider watching the series, there are 10 videos in it. The last 3 focus on adhd drugs and children. There is no numbering I could find on the first and second videos so I've included it below if that's helpful:

1.  'Do I have a biochemical imbalance?'

2. 'How do psychiatric drugs really work'

 

the rest are numbered sequentially

 

Lots of love, mollynxxx

[bhasski]

14 hours ago, Plshelp said:

Bhasski. What do you mean about your family? 

Are you experiencing any relief in symptoms? 

Or are you damaged also? 

It was my family decision to put me to these drugs and doctors even when I was opposing. 

Also I had the 7 yrs earlier experience of a month long insomnia when put on drugs to combat panic caused ( not known that time) by CT of Pacitane. Since then, I always had difficulty to sleep.

 

I feel severely fatigued , no pleasure in activites.. feel tensed.

There are many physical symptoms like restless leg.. uncomfortable left side body.. vision dulled  etc.  etc.. 

Unable to sleep at night for long..

 

I have thoughts of violence as if someone is going to abuse or start and I will end it with violence ( distorted thinking).

Regular anger ( rage ) bouts that ends up on my parents ... 

( I have this feeling always that their disbelieve on me is the cause of all of this. I told them all the side effects just on start , but like all others , they believed doctors rather me and put me on meds for 3 years) 

Emotions lost, career lost, friends lost , relatives lost .. abilties lost.

And dont know when and how will it get better ?

[powerback]

11 hours ago, bhasski said:

It was my family decision to put me to these drugs and doctors even when I was opposing. 

Also I had the 7 yrs earlier experience of a month long insomnia when put on drugs to combat panic caused ( not known that time) by CT of Pacitane. Since then, I always had difficulty to sleep.

 

I feel severely fatigued , no pleasure in activites.. feel tensed.

There are many physical symptoms like restless leg.. uncomfortable left side body.. vision dulled  etc.  etc.. 

Unable to sleep at night for long..

 

I have thoughts of violence as if someone is going to abuse or start and I will end it with violence ( distorted thinking).

Regular anger ( rage ) bouts that ends up on my parents ... 

( I have this feeling always that their disbelieve on me is the cause of all of this. I told them all the side effects just on start , but like all others , they believed doctors rather me and put me on meds for 3 years) 

Emotions lost, career lost, friends lost , relatives lost .. abilties lost.

And dont know when and how will it get better ?

Hi bhasski ,I can relate to the anger and rage ,but you will need to learn how to control it ,directing it at your parents only feeds into there belief and trust in doctors know best .we need to stop feeding this resentment of how we ended up in our predicament ,believe me  I know I've wasted countless hours .

these thoughts of violence don't become actions ,its your brains wiring trying to reconnect [not scientific explanation ].so don't believe the thoughts .

 

we believe you and your amongst fellow victims .there not going to start believing you over night ,don't take it personally ,its the way the world works .

put your energy into recovery and I bet you'll see some difference ,it did for me .maybe say to them about talking to a therapist and get your anger out in there for a few sessions ,constant anger and temper doesn't look good to people like your parents that believe in  the system ,we cant fight the system its way to big .

take care 

PB

[bhasski]

8 hours ago, powerback said:

Hi bhasski ,I can relate to the anger and rage ,but you will need to learn how to control it ,directing it at your parents only feeds into there belief and trust in doctors know best .we need to stop feeding this resentment of how we ended up in our predicament ,believe me  I know I've wasted countless hours .

these thoughts of violence don't become actions ,its your brains wiring trying to reconnect [not scientific explanation ].so don't believe the thoughts .

 

we believe you and your amongst fellow victims .there not going to start believing you over night ,don't take it personally ,its the way the world works .

put your energy into recovery and I bet you'll see some difference ,it did for me .maybe say to them about talking to a therapist and get your anger out in there for a few sessions ,constant anger and temper doesn't look good to people like your parents that believe in  the system ,we cant fight the system its way to big .

take care 

PB

Thanks PB... your advice is invaluable ... but theres always a time come where I lash out my anger on issues as a rage.

 

My parents now believe that they had done wrong by putting me to psychiatry.

 

I also feel ashamed when i do such behaviour, but it happens all of a sudden with them saying or doing  something  and Igo  out of my emotional anger and bringing out my frustration of anhedonic feelings.

 

Place where I live is a small town where therapists are not available.

I keep myself mum  most of the time with a little sharing to a friend who happens to be listening without understanding.

 

Is there sth that helped you get feelings back ? I am out of trying many supplements with no help.

 

Currently on curcumin, l-glutamine, nac and D3 vit.

[powerback]

3 minutes ago, bhasski said:

Thanks PB... your advice is invaluable ... but theres always a time come where I lash out my anger on issues as a rage.

 

My parents now believe that they had done wrong by putting me to psychiatry.

 

I also feel ashamed when i do such behaviour, but it happens all of a sudden with them saying or doing  something  and Igo  out of my emotional anger and bringing out my frustration of anhedonic feelings.

 

Place where I live is a small town where therapists are not available.

I keep myself mum  most of the time with a little sharing to a friend who happens to be listening without understanding.

 

Is there sth that helped you get feelings back ? I am out of trying many supplements with no help.

 

Currently on curcumin, l-glutamine, nac and D3 vit.

Hi bhasski I totally understand having outbursts ,I would never judge you on that .im a long time at this withdrawl so emotions do come back ,ive got a little traction on my taper ,so I get a glimpse of my old personality lately .loads of patience and time ,I didnt touch tapering for 9 months because I was so sick .

Short reply im on a phone its a pain .

You can always ask me a question if you want 

Take care 

PB

[bheb]

Plshelp, so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Especially how your family responds -- that is horrific. I am also experiencing severe restlessness/akathisia/agitation as a side effect from a SSRI. It has gotten so bad that I may need to move back in with my family and quit school. They are supportive, but I'm still scared for the day that my family gives up on me. I can't imagine dealing with that too.

[Plshelp]

23 hours ago, bheb said:

Plshelp, so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Especially how your family responds -- that is horrific. I am also experiencing severe restlessness/akathisia/agitation as a side effect from a SSRI. It has gotten so bad that I may need to move back in with my family and quit school. They are supportive, but I'm still scared for the day that my family gives up on me. I can't imagine dealing with that too.

Sorry to hear about your akathesia. I had that for 4 months and it was horrific. 

[Plshelp]

I need serious help. I'm struggling to try to get thru the days. Idk what a solution is. I'm severely depressed and just want to die. I can't do this anymore. 

 

All my pdoc want wanted to prescribe is an antidepressant and sleeping pill.

 

I lack of ability to feel hunger, thirst, fullness, or if i have to go to the bathroom. 

 

I feel like the days are like an entire week long. (kinda like when you smoke dope and you feel like 5 hours have passed, but really only one hour has gone by?) where you don't have any differentiation of time-like 3am feels the same as 12pm and you can't tell really that it's early morning or late at night - it's just time? Like most ppl wake up in the morning and feel like it's morning and know when it's lunch time and bedtime? B/c i don't have any differentiation.

 

My circadian rhythm is totally screwed up also. I go to sleep like a zombie. Wake up multiple times thru the night. I go from being alert to asleep - then alert again. I never feel rested or tired. Just alert. And I can never nap during the day at all. Once I'm awake, that's it, I can't sleep until bedtime - which feels like an eternity away.