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GoldenPhoenix


GoldenPhoenix

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Hi,

 

I'll try to keep this short so I don't bore people too much.

 

I suffer from some serious depression. Was recently diagnosed as schizophrenic but as you seem to know psychiatrists are really crappy professionals so that's not what I have for sure (even my psychologist was very admired when he found I was diagnosed with this).

 

My life has been pretty much a big pile of **** since my early teens (since I was 12). Fast forward to my days in college which I was hoping would make me better but ended up being a living hell that just made things worse, I started to contemplate that it was just better to give up, I was miserable for too long, I think the only thing that kept me from doing it was not to have access to an easy way to. 

Some more years, and finally at 33 I unsuccessfully tried to commit suicide, after being two days unconscious after an overdose of pills inside my car parked in a hidden place, I was finally found by my mother (police couldn't find me and did an awful job) and brought to the hospital. Luckily the damages weren't too big, the fingers on my left hand were seriously damaged (I'll never be a surgeon or a guitar player), I almost lost one of my fingers do to extreme heat and also lost some hair but through an expensive surgery managed to recover most of it.

 

My biggest dream is to be in a solid relationship with a woman that I love and that loves me back, create a wonderful future together, grow together and mutually help each other to live fulfilling lifes, probably have a family, and if I ever recover give back to others who may suffer from a similar situation. 

I've never had a girlfriend, nor have I even ever kissed a woman (without having to pay for it).

Unfortunately the woman that I love is married, I found this out after 1 year of knowing her. She seems sometimes interested in me but other times I'm just invisible to her. when those times happen I just feel like it would be better if no one had found me in that car so I would finally be released of this nightmare. After the suicide attempt, that unfortunately she ended up knowing (she works at the hospital), her relationship with me has been seriously damaged (not that it was that great before).. I guess she got scared because she knows I love her.

I've tried meeting other girls but it seems like there aren't any interesting, available woman. here, in this hellhole. 

 

Nothing really seems to make me happy apart from the few times I can connect with her, I kind of am kinda of OK during the week but then about 2 times a week I feel really down and awful, like I'm feeling today, one of those days where I seem to be invisible to her.

 

I know I don't have much of a chance with her even though she doesn't have any kids, she still has a long term, serious, relationship.

 

My biggest friends are mostly away, the ones that are closer I just don't seem to have a good connection with them. Maybe because they are younger than me, I also feel that they don't really like me, that I'm not part of the group.

 

I can't work too much, I've recently been fired of a great working place: currently one of the top java companies. I was fired because during the times I've felt really depressed,I wasn't able to work properly.

 

I've tried various psychologists and various psychiatrists but nothing seems to work or make me any better, only lost money and felt worse. About one year ago I've started tapering off my meds since they were just making me feel worse: slept too much, was getting fat, was feeling tired, etc.. Also quit with my psychologist since it wasn't making me feel any better and I was just losing money. I'm not a religious person or will ever be because I don't believe in it so that won't help me either.

 

I'm 36 and still live with my mother. I'm a total failure and don't believe I belong in this world or that this world wants me in it. I don't believe I will ever be happy..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by scallywag
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Hi Golden, great to see you here on the forum! Sounds like you are having a really hard day and I'm sorry it all feels so dismal right now. Sorry too about your woman troubles, unrequited love sucks.

 

Would you like to tell us about your medication history? 

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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I'm trying to recover a file that I accidentally deleted where I kept my medication history. Unfortunately it isn't very detailed, I didn't know that quitting would be so hard so I didn't bother about it too much..

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I have been tapering of seroquel. I took 1/8 of a 300mg tablet for a while, then more recently I made a 15% cut on the span of 1week and a half, I realized I went a bit too far, too quickly, this gives me around 30mg of active substance. I've pushed a bit too far because I've not been sleeping well for about 2 weeks and a half,


These last days I'm only getting a good night sleep after about 3/4 nights sleeping badly (I guess I become too tired and then it's easier to sleep better). It took me about 1week and a half to get kind of used to a 10% cut (that was 3weeks and a half ago) but then trying to speed up the process I've cut 5% more which led me to not sleeping well for these 2 weeks and a half, not sleeping well means sleeping 4/6 hours.


About a year ago before I started tapering I was sleeping an average of 12 hours and still waking up tired, and wanting to sleep more. Then after tapering a bit I started to be comfortable with 10h of sleep. Now these past 2 weeks I've been sleeping 4-6 hours, I feel like I now can endure sleeping for a low quantity of time much better but still feel like sleeping 4-6 hours isn't enough for me to be on my normal self.


 


I have been using a digital scale to measure the taper: https://www.amazon.c...0?ie=UTF8&psc=1  I cut a 300mg (active substance) seroquel tablet until it gives me around 123mg (approximately 30mg of active substance)


 


This is the third week and I still can't sleep well, I'm also going trough a though time which just makes things really bad, I think I'll go up the dosage to 135mg (approximately 34mg of active substance) so hopefully I can sleep well. This is the third attempt I'm doing to lower my dosage below 38mg of active substance, the other times I just didn't have the information, this is a really desperating situation, I imagine how bad, people that only have the information their doctor gives them, feel.


 


I have two question, and please focus on answering them if you know:


 


- I cut the tablet until it gives me around 123mg, I'm not using capsules, I just swallow the small pieces with water. Is there a problem with this? Is it necessary to be using capsules?


- Is this the best way to taper seroquel? What's your experience?


Edited by scallywag
moved questions about individual situation from "Using a digital scale"
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I can answer your first question: it's not necessary to use capsules.  What is important is consistency in dosage.

Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Begin Brassmonkey Slide Taper Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Oct. 30, 2020  Jump to zero from 0.025mg.  Current dose: 0.000mg

3 year, 10 month taper is 100% complete.

 

Ativan 1 mg to 1.875mg 1986-2020, two CT's and reinstatements

Nov. 2020, 7-week Ativan-Valium crossover to 18.75mg Valium

Feb. 2021, begin 10%/4 week taper.   

March 22, 2022: hold at 4.8mg and shift to Imipramine taper

Aug. 5, 2022: shift back to Valium taper.  

Current dose as of Jan. 6, 2023: 2.5mg

Taper is 86% complete.

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan-Sept 2016 tapered to 16mg.  

Held until Aug 2021, tapered for 4 weeks to 14.4mg

March 22, 2022: Begin 10%/4 week taper.  Current dose as of Aug. 5: 9.5mg 

Aug. 5, 2022: hold at 9.5 and shift to Valium taper

Taper is 87% complete.  

  

Supplements: omega-3, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, zinc, melatonin .3mg


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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Hi Golden, welcome to SA.  I am sorry that you have been feeling so desperate. We at SA are not equipped to help with people who are feeling suicidal, we don't have the training but we recognise how devastating these feelings are. It is important to get face to face help during those times, or talk to someone on one of the helplines listed here, don't try to deal with it alone.  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/7619-for-those-who-are-feeling-desperate-or-suicidal/

 

Can you tell us about the drugs you have been prescribed in the past? It is possible that you are feeling the effects of the drugs anmd withdrawal, it is possble long after they have been stopped. It will help us if you can fill in your signature, we need the drugs and doses, and approximate dates.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/12364-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/

 

The last 2 years need to be listed.  We don't need symptoms or explanations in the signature, just the drugs and doses. I can imagine that there have been many drugs and I feel sad that you are going through this. 

 

When we have the details of your tapers, especially the seroquel, when you started it, when you started to taper and the doses we will be able to advise you on what to do next. We recommend tapers of 10% of the LAST dose, with 3-4 weeks between cuts. 

 

Tapering seroquel

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1707-tips-for-tapering-off-seroquel-quetiapine/

 

3 KIS http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6632-the-rule-of-3kis-keep-it-simple-keep-it-slow-keep-it-stable/

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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