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TikkiTikki

TikkiTikki: going slow off Celexa to avoid "relapse"

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TikkiTikki

Hi VIncent, I think you're right. Thanks for dropping by to say so, too. I appreciate it.

 

After two years of tapering, I don't think I could start up a whole new drug, but I've just felt so damn hopeless and toxic to the people around me. GoIng up a little seems sensible, it just doesn't promise the relief I'm after. I wish I could trust that this is all just withdrawal, and that in a year or so I will be stronger than ever, but I'm just not sure. A lot of it is the effects of withdrawal, but I've managed to get myself in a pretty dire state in the past all on my own. And ADs came to the rescue.

 

That said, I've had a really good day today. My son had a bad reaction to a new drug he has been prescribed, and I handled it calmly, purposefully, with no hint of anxiety or emotional lability. I've felt sort of content, even positive about plans. Some part of me IS getting stronger, definitely, and when I have days like this, it kind of blows my whole "slow decline" theory and puts me firmly back in the good old "windows and waves" paradigm. Which means patience, patience, self-compassion and more patience ...

 

I took sertraline a few times, and had only moderate trouble discontinuing (brain shivers, weird dreams), but I had the most awful time trying to take it for the third time, and eventually convinced the doctors to try something else (they thought it was in my head). I was so physically sick with constant vomiting, and such extreme anxiety and what I now recognise as akathisia. Nasty stuff. It looks like you tried with mirtazapine while in withdrawal, but no good? That should be a warning to me. Have you got any better with time? I am lucky that I"m tapering slowly now (I've done it the hard way in the past and ended up "relapsing" several times before finding this website).

 

Here's to good days among the bad. 

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TikkiTikki

Just wanted to note that two days ago, on Saturday 1/12, I had a perfectly awful night and spent most of it awake in such a state of anxiety I ended up taking 2x 7.5mg oxazepam before snatching a few hours of sleep at 6.30am. I couldn't really credit how bad I felt, it was out of proportion to anything I was thinking. I felt so afraid, so ashamed, so exposed and utterly unable to think outside of the desperate narrative of my life I had constructed. It sounds a bit ridiculous when I type it out, and from the vantage point of today's calm. But I haven't felt as clear as today in many weeks, if not months, and I guess it's been building up.

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TikkiTikki

Feeling great today: calm, positive, negative head chatter completely quiet, actually felt like going shopping and wandered around shops just enjoying feeling content. 

Saw psychiatrist and have a script for Valdoxan but no intention of taking it. 

I can't possibly be relapsing/ experiencing depression if I can feel this clear and fine for three days in a row? 

I woke last night a few times, but no panic at all. Just remained sleepy and relaxed and drifted back to sleep.

Note: Feeling relief on Monday coincided with getting my period. 

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TikkiTikki

Still feeling good. Despite having to break out the lice comb again ... is it even possible to get rid all of the little critters? i just want to shave everyone's heads.

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TikkiTikki

I started Valdoxan a month ago. It gets me to sleep, and I rarely wake in the night, but still wake quite early (between 5.30 and 6.30am). This past week I've felt really horrible in the mornings, very nauseous with dry retching, dizzy and just all over awful. It passes. Total self-loathing and despair about my life too, which recedes somewhat after about an hour.

 

Also upped Citalopram to 5mg on 26 Dec, then 10mg on 28 Dec. No side effects from reinstating other than that fluttery stomach feeling. Thought I felt better first day, but honestly I am so up and down all the time it's hard to say. But seems to indicate I am not an sensitive to dosage changes as others.

 

I'm really finding it hard to explain in emotional terms what is going on for me. I want to keep updating but I feel like a failure and I can't organise my thoughts into a narrative about why I'm doing what I'm doing. Obviously I want to feel better than I do, and be there for my kids and partner. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm caught between the paradigm of this site and the paradigm of psychiatry in terms of how best to manage my mind. I wish I didn't need help. 

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ChessieCat

Thank you for updating your drug signature.  Please move this up so that the citalopram is altogether:

 

             5mg  26 Dec            10mg  28 Dec

 

Please add the year to this:

 

Added Valdoxan 50mg 12 Dec

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

Edited by ChessieCat

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Altostrata

Tikki, how are you?

 

It looks to me like you have a lot of difficulty going off Celexa, don't blame yourself!

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TikkiTikki

HI Alto,

 

Yes, things got grim. But 20 days after upping the Citalopram,  I felt relief I haven't felt in at least six months. I'm glad I did it. Life is SO much easier now.

I'm going to stick with 10mg for a while, and consider this a slight hiatus in the tapering effort. I don't feel good about 'failing', but I was just not coping with my life and I needed to function better for my kids and partner.

 

When I upped to 5mg for 2 days, and then 10mg, I felt a little worse moodwise, and suffered morning nausea (typical startup for me, but much milder), but then sudden relief on day 20. From what I've read on here, relief should have come sooner if symptoms were due to withdrawal. Or do you think that the size of the dose increase interfered with that? 

 

know all my symptoms were consistent with withdrawal, but they were also consistent with depression, and I just couldn't eat, exercise or think my way out of it. Through 2018, I had just wound down lower and lower and despite getting a new job, completing a degree, walking regularly, magnesium, sleep routines, and forcing myself to be social, everything I did was just a joyless, angry slog. I hated the person I was.

 

So as much as I badly want to keep the faith and become a success story here, I just can't be as angry and miserable as I became in the hope that two or three years down the track I will feel better. Maybe when my kids are older. 

 

Thank you for taking an interest in my story among so many here. I'll keep updating, as I've found SA a real haven these past two years.

 

 

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eymen23

Tikki,

 

The important thing is that you’re feeling better and able to maintain the responsibilities in your life. Perhaps even enjoying your spare time too!

 

There is always another chance to taper further. Reading through your intro, I’m wondering if the taper gradually caught up with you over time. Some people seem to make a cut and then notice an obvious pattern of feeling worse after x many days and then back to baseline after y days. It seems you started to slowly display symptoms of ‘depression’ and ‘anxiety’ after many months of tapering, which steadily became more intolerable. 

 

You’ve done extremely well to get down to 10mg and it sounds like you made a sensible move. 

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TikkiTikki

Thanks, peeps. Really, thank you.

 

I am grateful to feel better, however it is achieved.

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kirby

Hey, I like your profile picture! I'm a fan of teen titans go too, especially the earlier episodes, they had lots of silly humor in them. It sounds like sometimes things are really rough with all the withdrawal symptoms - can I share something that really helped me? 

 

Essential oils, they calm down my body. Perhaps it is placebo effect, or perhaps it really works, but when I feel jittery, think too much, or ect sometimes I take out a bottle of essential oils and smell them. And i gradually forget things that bother me, because it smells good. 

 

Hope that helps! It might be really different for you, but I'm willing to lend out as many helpful advices that I can, because I felt that pain of withdrawal before.

Good luck,

kirby 

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TikkiTikki

I've started Wellbutrin. I've had a hell of a time getting it here in Australia - no one knows it's an antidepressant. Hoping I can get off the Celexa in time.

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DaveB
3 hours ago, TikkiTikki said:

I've started Wellbutrin. I've had a hell of a time getting it here in Australia - no one knows it's an antidepressant. Hoping I can get off the Celexa in time.

 

Oh I am sorry Tikki, from your last update it seemed you were doing better, why was the Wellbutrin added?

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TikkiTikki
On 2/12/2019 at 1:29 AM, DaveB said:

 

Oh I am sorry Tikki, from your last update it seemed you were doing better, why was the Wellbutrin added?

 

I wanted to feel better. And from what I had read, Welbutrin was less likely to cause weight gain, emotional blunting and general apathy. 

 

I know it seems like a sudden turnaround, but I had been trying for so long to feel better and felt that I was wasting my time, ruining relationships and running my life into the ground.  I guess I lost faith that tapering off ADs would make me a better version of myself? I suppose that's the narrative I had come to believe - that I would feel clearer, more engaged, more energetic and more in touch with my true self. And to some extent that became true as I tapered, but I also became persistently negative, fearful, angry and anxious; I had a lot of trouble sleeping, constant depressed rumination, persistent self-hate and life was a joyless struggle. Whether that was an effect of AD withdrawal, damage caused by ten years of AD use, or just who I am, I don't know. And I guess I stopped caring.

I'm feeling much better now, and doing better - working, thinking, creating and building better relationships. So I'm grateful.

 

Thanks so much for checking in.

 

 

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