pug Your miracle is coming, hang on!

[MMMM]

Hi Pug, I had a question for you too- did you have depression before you went on medication?

 

Did you ever question whether you were someone who could be off medication, or wonder if you had the type of depression that just required medication for life in order to not relapse?

[pug]

On 1/26/2019 at 7:28 AM, withhopeinmyheart said:

Hello pug, 

 

thank you so much for your success story and describing in so much detail what it feels like to come back! 

 

I'm new here and just today posted my introduction topic. 

 

Time is the key to healing, yet it terrifies me the most. I reinstated a tiny dose. Do you think it's possible that will make it a bit quicker for me? 

 

Also, I'm terrified of all this. I'm like a tiny mouse wanting to hide from everything in a hole. 

Do you think I can recover even if I don't grow with my improvements? 

If I'm unable to do anything, although trying, will I be okay in the end, when all I can do is wait it out? 

 

I'm so scared of doing it wrong! 

 

Wish you all the best! 

 

withhopeinmyheart

 

Hello,

 

I understand how scared you are; it is a very, very challenging process.  We all make mistakes as we do our best to cope and figure out how to navigate our way through withdrawal and recovery, but don’t worry because the mistakes will not keep you from healing.  If you just keep going and don’t give up, you will recover in the end and make it back to health and happiness.  So many others have done it and there is no reason that you won’t do it also.

 

 Get help here when you need it, this is such a wonderful resource!  And as I suggested to someone else recently:  Do your best to keep positive, read success stories or anything else that gives you hope and comfort; discover what coping tools help and use them as often as possible, and keep in your mind as much as possible that you are going to make it.  Do this each day and eventually the healing will start to show and you will begin to feel better.

 

Wishing you healing,

 

pug

[pug]

On 1/26/2019 at 12:44 PM, gigi63 said:

Hi Pug.  Pug, I just want to thank you so much for coming back!!!!!  It means so much to me. I am pretty confident and can say all of US!!!!  You are not only sharing your story with us in your healing but you encourage us so beautifully!!!!  I look for your entries regularly.  I do not spend much time on the site but the site is a huge blessing to me because of you and your entries.  Always offering us hope and healing.  Thank you so much. Please continue to come back, if it isn’t asking too much.  You are a blessing as is your cold turkey story!!!!!  More than you can know.  GIGI.  

 

Hello,

 

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, I appreciate it.  It is gratifying to know that just being honest and telling my story is help someone else.

 

Wishing you the best, and much healing,

 

pug

[pug]

On 1/28/2019 at 5:12 PM, RealMe said:

Thank you, Pug.  Hope is so important, and you are giving me that.

Best wishes,

RealMe

 

Hi,

 

I agree that hope is a huge tool that we can use during this process to keep us focused on tomorrow and the promise of recovery.

 

A quote I read often was this one:

 

Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.

                 Thich Nhat Hanh

 

Wishing you healing,

 

pug

[pug]

On 1/31/2019 at 8:28 AM, BB1979 said:

I can't read your story enough.  I drop my child off at school and go to the local library, log on, read your post and cry.  And cry and cry with misery and a little hope.  I'm not even a year.  Hope I can make it 3.5, if that's how long it takes.  Praying and praying.  Thank you for writing your success story.  It is literally saving my life.

 

Hello,

 

I am sorry that you are having to deal with the challenges of this process, it can be very difficult so say the least.  But realize that every day you are healing, even if you don’t see any evidence of it.  Your brain and body want to be healthy and whole, and given the chance that is what they will work toward.  And you don’t know when your healing will become evident and you will start to feel better!

 

It takes some folks several years, but not everyone, so you may recover much, much sooner!  So do your best to stay focused on hope, and keep hoping that tomorrow may be the day you will begin to feel better.  Do that enough days and then one day it will happen for you and you will begin to reclaim your life again. Just don’t quit and keep going!

 

I hope healing comes soon for you,

 

Pug

[pug]

On 2/1/2019 at 8:38 AM, karenp said:

Hi Pug,

 

thanks for your kind words.  I am in what feels like a big setback after having to deal with a health issue which is still ongoing and the holidays and whatever else.  It’s really scaring me the intensity of the symptoms that have returned and the way they have morphed.  The fear and the thoughts are worse, more strange and unnerving than ever.  

 

Im trying to maintain the perspective that this is still just all part of the healing process.  But wow my faith in healing is being challenged big time right now.

 

warmly,

karen 

 

Hello there,

 

Yes, our faith that we will heal will be challenged over and over during this process.  I think it is a natural part of the process just like any other symptom that we deal with.  The 2 steps forward and 1 step back process that many of us endure is beyond challenging when we are suffering so severely.  But to have a setback, we must have had some little improvement, and if we have had any improvement it shows that it is possible for us to improve; and if improvement is possible then recovery is also!

 

This is why I sound like a broken record when I keep repeating to “Keep going and don’t give up!”; if we can just hang on and let time pass then the back and forth nature of recovery will begin to smooth out and our life and health will become more predictable! Symptoms will begin to fade and the fog begins to clear and we can see a new day dawn for us; one of health, happiness, desire to live again and be involved in life; it really does happen!

 

We just need to stick through the process day after day until our miracle begins to reveal itself.  Once that begins to happen all of the doubt, fears, anguishing, and questioning, no longer apply and are no longer relevant to our new life of freedom!

 

Wishing you good things soon,

 

pug

[pug]

On 2/2/2019 at 1:03 PM, A14n said:

Hi pug, 

 

Glad I found your post, did you get this fear/terror feeling that I am suffering with? It comes over me in waves and is pretty unbearable. Its worse in the morning and is with me most of the time lately. It's all I feel, and I have pretty severe depersonalisation and derealisation. No proper emotions 

 

Hello,

 

Yes, for a long time I was terrified much of the time and fear was often the only emotion I felt.  It was such a huge challenge to try and cope when I was scared beyond what was rational; fear for no reason, just pure fear.  But it did not last, it slowly got better, and now it is all but gone!

 

Our emotional selves take a beating in recovery; going from no emotions, to out of control emotions and back again.  All we can do is use the coping skills that we have developed, keep our focus on the future and the promise of healing, and keep taking it day by day.

 

Hang in there and keep moving forward in the best way that you can,

 

pug

[pug]

On 2/5/2019 at 10:43 AM, MMMM said:

Hi Pug, I had a question for you too- did you have depression before you went on medication?

 

Did you ever question whether you were someone who could be off medication, or wonder if you had the type of depression that just required medication for life in order to not relapse?

 

Hello,

 

Yes, I dealt with depression, anxiety, and some OCD prior to beginning down the path that I was led to believe was the only one for me; medication.  Who knows what would have happened if I had been given counseling, some cognitive behavior therapy, and been told that things would improve if I gave it time.  After a few years I guessed that I was supposed to go on taking the meds forever because my doc never said anything about coming off, and I was too ignorant and trusting to ever question them.

 Looking back at it all I honestly believe that I improved in spite of the drugs and not because of them.

 

When I finally decided to quit for good, and the symptoms hit me, I knew that any type of challenge such as depression, anxiety, etc. would be as nothing compared to the hell of withdrawal!  If I could survive withdrawal and recover from it then I knew that I could deal with whatever issues came up for me after that.  

We are always changing, our bodies, brains, etc. and I am not the same person as when I started the medication, but I had to get off of the medication to see who I was now.  Was I still depressed, anxious, etc. or had I grown and moved beyond those things?

 

Well after much suffering and misery due to withdrawal, I have begun to emerge from all of that and I like what I am seeing.  I don’t feel depressed or anxious, I am getting healthier than I have been in decades, and I can see no reason that I won’t continue to improve and be completely renewed.  Withdrawal has been pure hell for me and I don’t wish it on anyone, but the reward of being drug-free and healthy is pretty amazing.

 

Sending hope and healing your way,

 

pug

[MMMM]

Hi @pug, thank you for this. It's very inspiring and I can relate. 

 

On 2/15/2019 at 8:55 AM, pug said:

When I finally decided to quit for good, and the symptoms hit me, I knew that any type of challenge such as depression, anxiety, etc. would be as nothing compared to the hell of withdrawal!  If I could survive withdrawal and recover from it then I knew that I could deal with whatever issues came up for me after that.  

 

This totally makes sense to me.

 

If... when... I have the opportunity to deal with regular old depression and anxiety again, I think they will feel like a walk in the park compared to this.

 

Thanks offering hope from the other side.

 

[withhopeinmyheart]

Hi again, pug! 

 

I keep coming back to your story for all the hope and detail it provides. Thank you! 

 

I'd like to ask, when you were still in the worst of it, did you feel traumatized by how it felt? Did you think you would never get over the horrible withdrawal memories? 

And now that you are better you say it's just not there, right? 

[withhopeinmyheart]

Oh, also, when did your interests come back? 

I feel my life is meaningless because nothing is able to fill it since I crashed. 

[Rosetta]

HI Pug,

 

Thanks for posting here and giving us all the hope we need to go on.  I'm at month 25 from a very quick taper.  Like @withhopeinmyheart I feel traumatized, worn down and so tired.  It is very helpful to have you and the other successful survivors coming back to show us that we can live through this.  Reading what you have written to others helps a lot.  I am so very tired.  I'm in need of a window, a real window that gives me some relief for a while, but it's been a while since I had one that lasted more than a day or so.  I'm glad to see you feeling that WD no longer has much affect on your life.

 

Rosetta

[Peachy]

Hi pug! Can I ask what dose you were on? I’m scared bc I was not only on the highest dose of Lexapro,  but for 15 years. 

I’m also still tapering and suffering mentally. 

I know you also experienced intrusive thoughts and obsessions. Did this Include intrusive urges and irrational thoughts? Like really crazy thinking patterns? 

I’ve been experiencing this the entire 3 yr taper, but it’s more intense here at 4.7mg. 

I may have had some intrusive thoughts before, but nothing like this. 

Im constantly angery and irritated. Have nasty negative thinking patterns. Like 24/7. 

Is this normal during the taper? Even if tapering very slowly??  

Will I ever be sane again? 

Thanks for all the support you offer here. 

[bheb]

14 hours ago, Peachy said:

Hi pug! Can I ask what dose you were on? I’m scared bc I was not only on the highest dose of Lexapro,  but for 15 years. 

 

Hey Peachy. I'm gonna help pug out and just copy/paste what I found from their signature:

"20+ years of Zoloft 50-100 mg CT 03/2014 for 5 months
Back on Prozac 20 mg for 4 months CT since 11/2014"

 

14 hours ago, Peachy said:

Im constantly angery and irritated. Have nasty negative thinking patterns. Like 24/7. 

Is this normal during the taper? Even if tapering very slowly??

 

And yes, this is normal. People call this emotional spirals around here:

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/13492-dealing-with-emotional-spirals/?tab=comments#comment-257833

[Peachy]

10 hours ago, Maryb said:

I wish I could start tapering but I have tried to change generics twice to get the small beads and all that did was worsen my withdrawal symptoms.  I’m on cymbalta and have a generic brand that has 6 beads being 5mg each.  It’s probably best that I give my system this time to heal.  It’s been almost 6 months since I have made any changes.   Can anyone help me and give some kind words and support.  Thank you so very much.  Praying for us all 🙏🙏🙏

im still tapering even thought i have symptoms. I did do a good 6 month hold recently. Also, I can't take generic. I would ask for name brand and make your own liquid. Thats what I am doing now,...

 

[Peachy]

i make a liquid from the pills. there are directions somewhere on this site. but maybe yours are capsules?

Im tapering lexapro

 

[Rezten]

On 2/15/2019 at 11:52 AM, pug said:

Hello,

 

Yes, for a long time I was terrified much of the time and fear was often the only emotion I felt.  It was such a huge challenge to try and cope when I was scared beyond what was rational; fear for no reason, just pure fear.  But it did not last, it slowly got better, and now it is all but gone!

 

Our emotional selves take a beating in recovery; going from no emotions, to out of control emotions and back again.  All we can do is use the coping skills that we have developed, keep our focus on the future and the promise of healing, and keep taking it day by day.

 

Hang in there and keep moving forward in the best way that you can,

 

I just read this. Those words are reassuring.  I was just wondering if these extreme emotions will ever go away.  I have constant fear and a lot of suicidal ideation.  R enumerating thoughts.  But I have other drugs to come off of and feel I will never stabalize as long as they are in my system, so for me to feel better seems hopeless.

[thecowisback]

this fear is the worst part of withdrawals for me. it's a fear out of all proportion. my doctors say my ocd and anxiety have come back since i stopped the pills but i never had fear of this magnitude before. after 2 years of feeling this way i've had to try reinstating a tiny bit to see if it will help. i am frightened of everyone and everything, also things in the future and things in the past. i cannot understand why other people aren't frightened of the same things as me and they are wondering why on earth i'm so terrified of everything. 

[Peachy]

On 3/26/2019 at 11:03 AM, bheb said:

 

Hey Peachy. I'm gonna help pug out and just copy/paste what I found from their signature:

"20+ years of Zoloft 50-100 mg CT 03/2014 for 5 months
Back on Prozac 20 mg for 4 months CT since 11/2014"

 

 

And yes, this is normal. People call this emotional spirals around here:

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/13492-dealing-with-emotional-spirals/?tab=comments#comment-257833

Thanks!!

[gardenlady]

14 hours ago, thecowisback said:

this fear is the worst part of withdrawals for me. it's a fear out of all proportion. my doctors say my ocd and anxiety have come back since i stopped the pills but i never had fear of this magnitude before. after 2 years of feeling this way i've had to try reinstating a tiny bit to see if it will help. i am frightened of everyone and everything, also things in the future and things in the past. i cannot understand why other people aren't frightened of the same things as me and they are wondering why on earth i'm so terrified of everything. 

Cow, I have the same fear as you....especially existential fear.  I've stopped talking about it to anyone as they think I'm crazy anyway due to my changed behavior caused by withdrawal.  The lower in dose I get the worse it is regardless of holding.  I wonder if the fear ever goes away.

[thecowisback]

i have to believe it will, given time. i tell myself constantly that it's just because of the withdrawals and it won't be like this forever. xxxxxx

[pug]

On 3/18/2019 at 10:53 AM, withhopeinmyheart said:

Hi again, pug! 

 

I keep coming back to your story for all the hope and detail it provides. Thank you! 

 

I'd like to ask, when you were still in the worst of it, did you feel traumatized by how it felt? Did you think you would never get over the horrible withdrawal memories? 

And now that you are better you say it's just not there, right? 

 

On 3/22/2019 at 10:16 AM, withhopeinmyheart said:

Oh, also, when did your interests come back? 

I feel my life is meaningless because nothing is able to fill it since I crashed. 

 

Hello,

 

To answer your first question, yes I felt totally traumatized and suffered with what I believe is similar if not the same as PTSD.  We go through a torturous experience for month or years and it can be really difficult to recover from the symptoms as well as the experience of the symptoms and the recovery process.  I agonized for the first few years over whether I would ever recover and heal from withdrawal, and if I did heal would I be able to let it go and move on.  I am happy to report that we do heal and “get over it”, it just takes time for the healing to happen!  For me it has been a long process and has felt incredibly slow, but it has happened, and as time has gone on the memories of the torturous healing process have begun to fade and grow more distant.  It is somewhat like a past bad injury or illness that we have had; we can remember it and recall that we suffered, but the emotional part of it just isn’t there any longer.

 

For your second question, my interests came back slowly and gradually, but not all together.  I can’t really offer an explanation about the process because it didn’t really have any logic to it.  Some interests and hobbies started to seem interesting again earlier than others and I am not sure why it happened like that.  For me, it was similar to my whole recovery process; for example, for many months I could not eat gluten as I was convinced it was going to do something bad to me, and then one day the thought of a piece of toast sounded good and I felt confident enough to have it.  What had changed?  I can only attribute it to enough healing having happened that I could move beyond my self- imposed limitations.  That process has continued and now I really don’t have those type of limitations any longer.

 

My life felt meaningless also for a very long time, but meaning began to return eventually and has just continued to get stronger as time has gone on.  If we can just hang on long enough for the healing to take place, meaning, joy, desire and all the other things we wish for so greatly will return to us.  So don’t give up and keep going!

 

All the best to you,

 

pug

[pug]

On 3/22/2019 at 7:30 PM, Rosetta said:

HI Pug,

 

Thanks for posting here and giving us all the hope we need to go on.  I'm at month 25 from a very quick taper.  Like @withhopeinmyheart I feel traumatized, worn down and so tired.  It is very helpful to have you and the other successful survivors coming back to show us that we can live through this.  Reading what you have written to others helps a lot.  I am so very tired.  I'm in need of a window, a real window that gives me some relief for a while, but it's been a while since I had one that lasted more than a day or so.  I'm glad to see you feeling that WD no longer has much affect on your life.

 

Rosetta

 

Hi Rosetta,

 

I agree with you, this process beats us down to a very low place; like being stuck in the bottom of a well with only a narrow sliver of light filtering into our very dark world.  I truly felt that I would never recover and have energy or desire, but over time these things have improved greatly.  I am sure you have heard it from others, but I feel that when I was suffering the most, it was also the time that I was healing.  The waves of suffering and misery felt unrelenting and never ending, but eventually a break would come and I would feel that a little progress had been made.  This process is unique for each of us, and no one can say how a person will recover from it, but I think the overall message from many of us who have healed or are healing is that time is the magic ingredient to our success.  If we keep going, things will eventually improve and get better; so please hang on to that thought and don’t quit!

 

Wishing you a break very soon.

 

pug

[pug]

On 3/24/2019 at 1:37 PM, Maryb said:

I want to say I am crying as I read this thread.  I’m struggling with fear, and high anxiety in the morning even confusion and I have to wake up M-F and get to work by 8:30am.  It scares me so because I’m afraid I won’t be able to do my job and deal with a very stressful boss. I am still on my antidepressant after being tapered so horrible wrong.  It’s been since September -December 2017; then I did a generic change which really caused major withdrawals that were unbearable.  I’m still experiencing withdrawals.  I’m currently in a wave.  I’m so scared and full of fear and anxiety.  I find this site to be very helpfully.  It gives me hope.  I need hope.  I want to live and I want to have my life back that I truly loved and was so happy and full of joy.  I hope to hear from you all.  God bless.  

 

Hello,

 

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering so severely, and trying to keep a job makes it that much more challenging as I am very familiar with that experience.  I may not have waves like I use to during this process, but I am still not completely done and I can have a bad day that reminds me just how challenging recovery can be.

 

Let us be completely honest, you are in the midst of a very great challenge and the road ahead is unknown.  But, the destination is known; recovery!  The challenge is how we get from where we are now to the destination, and because that path is unknown and unpredictable, it can seem overwhelming and impossible.  That is why I feel that the best way for me to help you is not to pretend that the journey isn’t challenging, but to reassure you that you are on the right path and that recovery is possible:  Recovery is possible!

 

If you can, try to narrow your focus to only what you must deal with in the present moment and not think too much about the future (I know how hard this is).  If you can just do what you can in this moment, working on the task you are presented with; coping with the symptoms that you are dealing with, then the overall process can seem less daunting; especially if you know that your destination of recovery is there waiting for you and it is just a matter of time before things will get better.

 

Have you found any coping methods or skills that can assist you?  Prayer, journaling, reading success stories, wise use of this forum, guided meditation, hot epsoms salt baths, walking or exercise, getting out into nature, just resting quietly if you can, or any of the many ways people have suggested helped them.  It takes a tremendous amount of self-coaching and continuous reminders to one’s self that things will improve, to keep your hope alive for a better future.  But you can do it; I know that you can do it.

 

Don’t give up or quit, keep working toward your better future.

 

pug

[pug]

On 3/26/2019 at 11:03 AM, bheb said:

 

Hey Peachy. I'm gonna help pug out and just copy/paste what I found from their signature:

"20+ years of Zoloft 50-100 mg CT 03/2014 for 5 months
Back on Prozac 20 mg for 4 months CT since 11/2014"

 

 

And yes, this is normal. People call this emotional spirals around here:

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/13492-dealing-with-emotional-spirals/?tab=comments#comment-257833

 

Hello Peachy and bheb,

 

bheb thanks for posting my history for Peachy, I appreciate it.  Peachy, the emotional roller coaster is not unusual and I have dealt with it also; a truly miserable experience as you know.  But the fact that it is experienced by so many and that they report getting better and moving past it should help you to believe that you will do the same also. It takes a bit of time to figure out how to handle and cope with the mood swings and bizarre thoughts; and hopefully we get some forgiveness from those around us and even forgiveness from ourselves, because it is difficult not to make some mistakes along the way.

 

When I first started dealing with it I was quite sure that I was going mad and that my sanity was going to disappear.  But based on all I had read and the reports from success stories, it seemed like this was just part of the process, miserable as it is.  Knowing that made it a little easier to accept and cope with; the promise of healing, reduction in symptoms, and recovery!  Just remember that when we are going through hell we must keep going!  That is what I have done, and although incredibly challenging, it is worth it.  You can do it too!

 

Wishing you quick healing,

 

pug

[withhopeinmyheart]

Wow, thank you so much! Thank you for taking the time to come back to us. It means a lot! 

 

I have another question, if you'd like to answer that one (and whenever, surely you don't want to spend all your time here) 

 

You mentioned your relationship briefly. How did it survive? 

I'm happily married, my husband is the best and stands by me. 

 

But I can't really feel for him the way I used to. Often anhedonia or almost anhedonia. It tortures me so much and him too, for sure. 

Sex hasn't been possible at all, since I'm in this hellish world. 

 

Did your partner understand when you couldn't be a loving partner? Like just wait it out together until all the emotions came back? 

 

OK, last question for now:

How are you, dear pug? 

 

Thank you so much! 

[Peachy]

@pug Thanks for coming back and helping us. I'm sure you are SO ready to forget about this.

I guess I'm looking for re-assurance that I can still heal even though I was on the highest dose AND for over 15 years. Do you think this is a deciding factor in the healing possibilities? That and the fact that WD started from the first cut, and isn't getting better 3 years later. I am doing mirco-cuts as well.

Symptoms change and get more bizarre the lower I go. I'm at the point I don't even trust myself. It's a horrible feeling. 

[Mende]

@pug   Your story gives me hope!!   Im 26 years old and was perscribed this for anxiety. I was on Zoloft for a month then switched to paxil for 2 months and now im off it.    I came off these because it made me feel weird disconected from eveything and no emotions.   Now im off them for about 2 weeks and still cant concentrate that much having trouble processing thoughts. Seeing weird color blobs out of the corner of my eyes. I also have strange dreams and strange thoughts durring the day.   I literally feel like these meds have dammaged my brain after only 3 months on them and im scared i wont go back to my normal smarter self.   Does it get better!?  

[gigi63]

On 3/29/2019 at 12:17 PM, Maryb said:

The k you so much Pug.  My situation is quite different then the rest I fear.  Can I share my story here.  I am suffering and I’m afraid.  Today I was super sick and could not make it to the office and of course all I feel is guilt and that I should be there.  I fear that they (co-workers and boss) will start to see that I am still sick like I was last summer when I took off 6 weeks FMLA leave due to these horrific withdrawals.  I fear I will lose my job and I don’t know if I could handle that.  First, I’m alone with no one to lean on and need the income.  Second, I don’t know what I would do all day long but then I’m so sick either way is bad.  

 

Here is my detailed background of my story and trying to come off cymbalta.  

 

 

Is my life over because I didn’t  reinstate within the 3 week window.  I was so badly tapered in September-December 2017 by my doctor who suggested I do a bridge to get off cymbalta.  He had me stop cymbalta and take Prozac for one month.  After the one month he told me to stop taking the Prozac.  All seemed fine.  At the end of the one month off Prozac I started getting scared, fear, anxiety, depression, low mood so he suggested to go back on Prozac.  Around two or three weeks back on Prozac I got extremely ill and went to the ER.  Blood pressure was very high and I was weak, couldn’t talk, very sick.  My doctor and ER suggested stopping Prozac and go back on cymbalta.  I did and within a few days I was much better.  I had a few episodes where I went through some withdrawal and ended up again at the ER, but things subsided. I had no idea about how to get off antidepressants.  I trusted my doctor.  Then in May 2018 I tried again to come off cymbalta slowly by switching to a different generic capsule in order to get the capsules with the small beads.  I tried desperately to stay on that new generic but After a long determined month on those small beads I could not stabilize.  I went through the most horrific withdrawals I could have ever imagined.  Went back on the old generic and I gave it one more time in August-September by switching again to brand name cymbalta with the small beads and after 3 weeks could not do it.  I have been back on the old generic for 5 1/2 months. Going through waves and windows.  Again, in a wave that is torturing me.

MaryB,  my name is Jamie.  I too come to Pugs site regularly as he is so helpful and encouraging.  

 

MaryB,  your life is not over, your story is a story I have read seemingly many times.  

 

Pug is so right, this process is long and difficult.  My words for it!!!!  It is glacier slow.  I will tell you this, as many before us have advised, NO TIME FRAME.  You will heal!!!!  You will just heal as slowly or as quickly as your body allows. 

 

Now, here is my advice to you, and I know you must be careful when it comes to advice.  It must be sound.  Do not change your dose at all!!!!  What I have found in my own personal experience is this.  Once the CNS crashes, it is destabilized.  The BEST thing one can do, is stay steady state, stay steady dose!!!!  For as long as it takes your CNS to stabilize.  To heal.  To find it’s new homeostasis!!!!  Brassmonkey has written great information on this homeostasis that must be obtained before any dose change or taper can be even thought of.  If one does not allow their CNS the needed time to heal, one will only compound withdrawal and it’s symptoms.  This is NOT being kind to oneself.  Sit tight, wait it out,  healing will come in its own timing!!!!  One day, as we are told over and over, this will gradually melt away from us.  Keep hoping and trusting.  Read the success stories. Learning always from those who have gone before us.  

[gigi63]

58 minutes ago, Maryb said:

Jamie, Even if I am still on the medication, will and can I heal?  Thank you.  Mary 

Hi MaryB, 

 

yes, we will heal.  Remember, prior to your taper?  You were you , right?!  The destabilization of the CNS is the cause of all of our symptoms.   Prior to my crazy, rapid, Ill advised taper, I was me.   It wasn’t until my CNS crashed that I became very ill with symptoms.  I absolutely believe we will eventually reach homeostasis even on the dose we are parked on. I believe the key is to PARK.   I was never fully off my med when I crashed, I was on a very low dose, I reinstated only slightly and I will tell you that I am healing as one who cold turkey quit.  Very, very slowly.  

 

But having said that, two of my friends on here did reinstate at higher doses. One at 75 percent of her dose, it took her 18 mos. to re stabilize,  the other reinstated at 50 percent of her original dose and it took her 2 years to stabilize or reach homeostasis. Both did reach homeostasis eventually.  There was another man on here who reinstated at his full dose and it took him two years to stabilize.  So let’s be logical for a moment,  all 3 eventually reached homeostasis while on the drug. TIME and ? Dose are the variable.   Steady state is a must!!!!!  Another man on the benzo site, HELD STEADY for two years also, just allowing the brain to heal, to find it’s homeostasis.   Yes, it will eventually.  Even on the drug, it will come. Pug is right, as we wait for an undetermined and unknown amount of time, it is very hard but, we must pray and work very hard at patience and acceptance.  It will come for us too.   MaryB, this is a slow process, that is the essence of neurological healing.  It is non linear and unpredictable.  Period, it just is.

 

This leads me to  your next observation.  The process is NON linear.  What was, might not be, the adjusting requires a lot of work within the CNS  Brassmonkey speaks to this also, as well as Baylissa Frederick and Ian Singleton who have been helping people through WD for many years. Our symptoms are only consistent in this: they are ever changing.  The success stories all tell us this.  MaryB, I often still try to figure out what is happening? Is there a pattern? All I know, after all this time for me, is it always changes.  Altostrada once said, “ Its all waves and windows until it just isn’t anymore. “. 

 

So, hang on, work at acceptance, buy a Clare weekes book, work at acceptance, this will help over time. I know how hard it is!!!!  Live in the now.  Work at letting go of what was, we will gain ourselves back one day, we have to cry, let go, press on by God’s Grace and just walk one day at a time.  It very slowly improves.  

[Rezten]

12 minutes ago, gigi63 said:

I will tell you that I am healing as one who cold turkey quit.  Very, very slowly.  

Hi, I have been following this conversation and I fear too that I can't stabalize from the AD withdrawal while I have other drugs in my system (benzos)and I'm concerned the longer I am on those i will have more problems.  Your words give me some hope.  Thank you

[gigi63]

Keep the hope, Hold, Hold, Hold, stay at steady state.  TIME!!!  The healing is slow but time and steady state will bring healing. Do not disrupt the brain with anything if you don’t have to.  It needs steady state to work itself out and make heads and tails out of it all.  Not fast at all but make a commitment not to interfere with the process. Yes, very hard but needed. Do not make the mistake of compounding WD.  Keep holding onto hope.  For me, when flickering, I rely on my Lord, every single moment!!!!

[Rezten]

4 minutes ago, gigi63 said:

For me, when flickering, I rely on my Lord, every single moment!!!!

Thank you!  God is a great source of strength for me as well.

[gigi63]

Good!!!!  HE is reliable, not a man that He should lie!!!  He has you, lean into Him!!!  He wants you to.  He has allowed us to be here.  Trust His great love for you!!!!

[gardenlady]

8 hours ago, gigi63 said:

Good!!!!  HE is reliable, not a man that He should lie!!!  He has you, lean into Him!!!  He wants you to.  He has allowed us to be here.  Trust His great love for you!!!!

gigi63, I'm trying so hard to trust the Lord with all the garbage in my life.  I've always been afraid and unable to trust since He seemed so abstract even tho I know He's not.  But the withdrawal terror and fear is making it really hard.  I long for an intimate relationship with the Father thru Christ.  I wish I could talk to someone who understands both the spiritual side as well as the reality of what withdrawal does to our minds and souls.  If I could only rest and trust!

[gigi63]

7 hours ago, gardenlady said:

gigi63, I'm trying so hard to trust the Lord with all the garbage in my life.  I've always been afraid and unable to trust since He seemed so abstract even tho I know He's not.  But the withdrawal terror and fear is making it really hard.  I long for an intimate relationship with the Father thru Christ.  I wish I could talk to someone who understands both the spiritual side as well as the reality of what withdrawal does to our minds and souls.  If I could only rest and trust!

Hello garden lady.  What you have said above is so common, so human to each of us.  “ He seems so abstract, even though I know He is not”.  And here in lies the nugget of truth, I KNOW He is not!  I believe that the life of faith is based on TRUTH, not what seems, or feels, to us.  Why?  Because we are fickle and our emotions are ever changing, wether we are in WD or not.  Our emotions are God given, but they are just what they are; emotions, and to live by them, is like building our homes on the sand, not so good right, any storm bad enough, will blow it away, the foundation simply cannot hold the stronger the wind and the rain.  And I might add, WD is a daunting storm.  

 

But, what is Faith?  It is believing in something we cannot see.  We cannot touch, it is not something physical or concrete. Often, scoffed at, because of this very fact. 

 

And what is TRUTH?   For the Christian, it is the Christ, and the Christ, is the WORD. The natural nature of mankind, is to create our own truth. But, having lived my truth, as I surely have, and having lived His truth, are vastly different.  

 

The WD fear and terror, oh yes, so very disturbing and distorting for us.  And, I will add, a very unreliable compass for us.  

 

I will share just briefly as this is Pugs page, and if you like, we can message one another personally from here out.  

 

Let me just tell you, I understand. Trust is a huge issue for most of us, for many and different issues of our life, often due to the pain and trauma we have suffered at the hands of others, and even ourselves, but, as I said before you posted, The living Christ, is not a man that He should lie, He is both the Mighty Warrior, King of Kings, AND, the Lamb that laid down His life, that we might live.  He is also the Great Shepherd who TENDERLY cares for His every lamb. 

 

I have been blessed to be a believer in Christ for many years. Believe me as I say, I have cried many tears to him and asked many why’s of Him, pleaded with Him to take it away, simply because I know He can, in regard to protracted WD, but He chooses not to. He is allowing me to go through the daunting painful process that we all are going through. Why?  I do not fully understand. He does, and He will be glorified in and through our suffering.  I can tell you this with no exaggeration, Although He has allowed me to be in it, go through every painful step thus far,  Not once has He left my side!  Not once has he abandoned me, not for an agonizing second.  When the path has been complete darkness to me, He simply carried and still carries me onward. I am so grateful for His unfailing love, presence and grace.  

 

Remember, most of the world doesn’t even acknowledge Protracted Withdrawal, wether they claim faith or not.  Most of the world has bought the Big Pharma BS, wether they claim a Savior or not.  My Lord has graciously shown me so much in this difficult journey that I never knew.  Even though the process of reclaiming myself is long and oh so difficult, I can tell you this, and I mean this, as crazy as it might sound, I would rather walk this long dark road with my Lord near me, at every step, than live my life free without Him. 

 

My motto has become this over the past few years, “ Help me Lord, trust first in you, your heart, your goodness, your love, and help me trust the process, the process of this divinely created body to want to heal and make itself right”.  Always with the hope of healing and deliverance.  

 

This is is a scarey, often dark journey, where WD lies to us.  I choose moment by moment to cling to Him, to the TRUTH, no matter how I am feeling.