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gigi63
7 hours ago, gardenlady said:

gigi63, I'm trying so hard to trust the Lord with all the garbage in my life.  I've always been afraid and unable to trust since He seemed so abstract even tho I know He's not.  But the withdrawal terror and fear is making it really hard.  I long for an intimate relationship with the Father thru Christ.  I wish I could talk to someone who understands both the spiritual side as well as the reality of what withdrawal does to our minds and souls.  If I could only rest and trust!

Hello garden lady.  What you have said above is so common, so human to each of us.  “ He seems so abstract, even though I know He is not”.  And here in lies the nugget of truth, I KNOW He is not!  I believe that the life of faith is based on TRUTH, not what seems, or feels, to us.  Why?  Because we are fickle and our emotions are ever changing, wether we are in WD or not.  Our emotions are God given, but they are just what they are; emotions, and to live by them, is like building our homes on the sand, not so good right, any storm bad enough, will blow it away, the foundation simply cannot hold the stronger the wind and the rain.  And I might add, WD is a daunting storm.  

 

But, what is Faith?  It is believing in something we cannot see.  We cannot touch, it is not something physical or concrete. Often, scoffed at, because of this very fact. 

 

And what is TRUTH?   For the Christian, it is the Christ, and the Christ, is the WORD. The natural nature of mankind, is to create our own truth. But, having lived my truth, as I surely have, and having lived His truth, are vastly different.  

 

The WD fear and terror, oh yes, so very disturbing and distorting for us.  And, I will add, a very unreliable compass for us.  

 

I will share just briefly as this is Pugs page, and if you like, we can message one another personally from here out.  

 

Let me just tell you, I understand. Trust is a huge issue for most of us, for many and different issues of our life, often due to the pain and trauma we have suffered at the hands of others, and even ourselves, but, as I said before you posted, The living Christ, is not a man that He should lie, He is both the Mighty Warrior, King of Kings, AND, the Lamb that laid down His life, that we might live.  He is also the Great Shepherd who TENDERLY cares for His every lamb. 

 

I have been blessed to be a believer in Christ for many years. Believe me as I say, I have cried many tears to him and asked many why’s of Him, pleaded with Him to take it away, simply because I know He can, in regard to protracted WD, but He chooses not to. He is allowing me to go through the daunting painful process that we all are going through. Why?  I do not fully understand. He does, and He will be glorified in and through our suffering.  I can tell you this with no exaggeration, Although He has allowed me to be in it, go through every painful step thus far,  Not once has He left my side!  Not once has he abandoned me, not for an agonizing second.  When the path has been complete darkness to me, He simply carried and still carries me onward. I am so grateful for His unfailing love, presence and grace.  

 

Remember, most of the world doesn’t even acknowledge Protracted Withdrawal, wether they claim faith or not.  Most of the world has bought the Big Pharma BS, wether they claim a Savior or not.  My Lord has graciously shown me so much in this difficult journey that I never knew.  Even though the process of reclaiming myself is long and oh so difficult, I can tell you this, and I mean this, as crazy as it might sound, I would rather walk this long dark road with my Lord near me, at every step, than live my life free without Him. 

 

My motto has become this over the past few years, “ Help me Lord, trust first in you, your heart, your goodness, your love, and help me trust the process, the process of this divinely created body to want to heal and make itself right”.  Always with the hope of healing and deliverance.  

 

This is is a scarey, often dark journey, where WD lies to us.  I choose moment by moment to cling to Him, to the TRUTH, no matter how I am feeling.  

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Hosanna
2 hours ago, gigi63 said:

Hello garden lady.  What you have said above is so common, so human to each of us.  “ He seems so abstract, even though I know He is not”.  And here in lies the nugget of truth, I KNOW He is not!  I believe that the life of faith is based on TRUTH, not what seems, or feels, to us.  Why?  Because we are fickle and our emotions are ever changing, wether we are in WD or not.  Our emotions are God given, but they are just what they are; emotions, and to live by them, is like building our homes on the sand, not so good right, any storm bad enough, will blow it away, the foundation simply cannot hold the stronger the wind and the rain.  And I might add, WD is a daunting storm.  

 

But, what is Faith?  It is believing in something we cannot see.  We cannot touch, it is not something physical or concrete. Often, scoffed at, because of this very fact. 

 

And what is TRUTH?   For the Christian, it is the Christ, and the Christ, is the WORD. The natural nature of mankind, is to create our own truth. But, having lived my truth, as I surely have, and having lived His truth, are vastly different.  

 

The WD fear and terror, oh yes, so very disturbing and distorting for us.  And, I will add, a very unreliable compass for us.  

 

I will share just briefly as this is Pugs page, and if you like, we can message one another personally from here out.  

 

Let me just tell you, I understand. Trust is a huge issue for most of us, for many and different issues of our life, often due to the pain and trauma we have suffered at the hands of others, and even ourselves, but, as I said before you posted, The living Christ, is not a man that He should lie, He is both the Mighty Warrior, King of Kings, AND, the Lamb that laid down His life, that we might live.  He is also the Great Shepherd who TENDERLY cares for His every lamb. 

 

I have been blessed to be a believer in Christ for many years. Believe me as I say, I have cried many tears to him and asked many why’s of Him, pleaded with Him to take it away, simply because I know He can, in regard to protracted WD, but He chooses not to. He is allowing me to go through the daunting painful process that we all are going through. Why?  I do not fully understand. He does, and He will be glorified in and through our suffering.  I can tell you this with no exaggeration, Although He has allowed me to be in it, go through every painful step thus far,  Not once has He left my side!  Not once has he abandoned me, not for an agonizing second.  When the path has been complete darkness to me, He simply carried and still carries me onward. I am so grateful for His unfailing love, presence and grace.  

 

Remember, most of the world doesn’t even acknowledge Protracted Withdrawal, wether they claim faith or not.  Most of the world has bought the Big Pharma BS, wether they claim a Savior or not.  My Lord has graciously shown me so much in this difficult journey that I never knew.  Even though the process of reclaiming myself is long and oh so difficult, I can tell you this, and I mean this, as crazy as it might sound, I would rather walk this long dark road with my Lord near me, at every step, than live my life free without Him. 

 

My motto has become this over the past few years, “ Help me Lord, trust first in you, your heart, your goodness, your love, and help me trust the process, the process of this divinely created body to want to heal and make itself right”.  Always with the hope of healing and deliverance.  

 

This is is a scarey, often dark journey, where WD lies to us.  I choose moment by moment to cling to Him, to the TRUTH, no matter how I am feeling.  

Thank you Gigi. This is right on and timely.

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gigi63

You are welcome. I know it to be true:)

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gigi63

Hi Mary. Mary, I too, most all of us I would venture to say we’re happily living our busy lives.  It is yes, very hard and sad to have lost so much. We need to feel the grief from these losses. However, we should not believe this is the end of our lives. This is a BIG bump in the road for all of us.  

 

Lay it down.  Let it go. Work at truly accepting this situation. Acceptance of the symptoms, acceptance of what is for right now.  As Dizzy girl said, do not keep looking back at your life, the one you had. For now, work at acceptance of what is.  Live in the moments of now. But know, one day you will be back. You will gain your life back.  When the healing is ready and complete. Homeostasis is key right now. 

 

STOP the taper!  HOLD!!!  Do not compound WD problems, symptoms. To continue the taper is unwise until you are well beyond good and steady.  This will take as long as your CNS needs. You do not begin a taper until you are good and steady!!!  No waves!!!  Very little to NO symptoms.  

 

Yes, you will stabilize on your current dose eventually.  But not in our timeframe. So you must give this timeframe up. Stay on same drug, same dose, and allow you CNS to heal.  Just sit it out. As long as it takes. PATIENCE is critical.  Live in the moment of each day, one moment at a time and allow the process to unfold.  HOLD, HOLD, and HOLD some more.  

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herod
On 4/2/2019 at 7:13 PM, Maryb said:

You know lately, i have been not getting getting those WOW windows, which is confusing me because I am not sure if my windows are now waves that are just less intense.  Does that make sense?

Hi Mary, I got this too. My windows started out as hypomanic, and now there's hardly a difference between my waves and windows. If your windows are way better than your mental state prior to medication, you might be moving to a lower, more stable homeostasis. But don't worry, it means you're healing, and happiness takes work!

 

Wish you all the best in your recovery 🙂

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withhopeinmyheart

Hi there, 

 

I'm just wondering, can you move your talk to Mary's topic, please? To keep this one about pug's wonderful success. Thank you! 

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Dream22
On 5/29/2017 at 7:03 PM, pug said:

Yes, it will feel like a miracle when it happens for you; and it will happen for you, it is just a matter of time.  I want to get that out there first thing; it is my belief that we will all heal in time; it has happened for me and is continuing to happen and it will happen for you.  Am I completely 100% done healing?  No.  Am I so, so much better?  Oh yes!  Now for some basics:

 

Male, mid 50s, took zoloft for over 20 year, quit cold turkey 3.5 years ago, was off 5 months, thought I was relapsing, so started prozac for 3.5 months and then quit that cold turkey.  Then I found S.A. and discovered what I was dealing with was not a relapse but withdrawal (and recovery).  So yes, I did everything completely wrong and more than once!  I am proof that given time we can heal.

 

I currently just celebrated 30 months of being drug free.  Now, how to begin to describe the inhumane torture that I have endured until very recently; not sure but I will try.  I have gone through both the windows and waves pattern and the continuous misery pattern.  I was one of those that suffered a great deal after quitting, but really got slammed at about 6 months off.  At 1 year I was barely functioning; at 1.5 years I was still miserable, and at 2 years off I was wondering if I was doomed to endless suffering with no end.  But now as I have hit the 2.5 year mark I feel as if I have turned the corner.

 

Windows and waves general comprised the first year and then it became continuous misery for pretty much the next 6 to 12 months or more; and then back to windows and waves.  My last serious wave was in months 25-26 and now finally what feels like solid progress the last month or so.  I am hesitant to list symptoms because I know how much it use to scare me to read what others were going through; but on the other hand it really helped when a new symptom would start, because I knew it was part of the recovery process and not some disease or sickness, and most of these are gone or have become minimal although they lasted for months or years.  And just because I experienced them does not mean that you will, we all have a very individual road to recovery; so here they are in no specific order:

 

Dark depression, anxiety, paranoia, obsessive compulsive, panic attacks, intrusive/obsessive thoughts that tortured me, hopelessness, irrational thinking, suicidal thoughts, brain zaps, intense organic fear, severe inner-body tension that felt like my whole insides were clamped up, sexual dysfunction, severe tension, tremors and pain in the back of my legs and calves, terrible shoulder and upper arm pain, mania, extreme bloating and stomach pain, nausea, dizziness, vertigo, feeling like my brain was on fire, feeling like a part of my brain was missing, feeling like a bomb had gone off in my head, floating head feeling, super-hot face, body temperature regulation problems – being super-hot or cold, constipation, dehydration, lack of appetite and weight loss, feeling dead, anhedonia, akathisia, mood swings, insomnia, terrible brain fog and inability to think clearly, sensitive vision and hearing, inching and burning skin, cold like symptoms, head congestion, phantom smells, constant tinnitus, severe fatigue and exhaustion, health anxiety, I could not read, listen to music, or meditate, heart palpitations, random traveling aching and stabbing pain throughout my body, headaches, and so many other symptoms that I can’t remember.  The torture, pain, misery, suffering and utter despair was never ending…until it did finally start to end for me and it will for you too.

 

Did anything help me along the way?  I tried many things; acupuncture, vitamins and supplements, alpha-stim, gluten free diet, no sugar diet, no caffeine, no alcohol, and anything else I could do to try and feel better.  Did it work?  In a sense it all worked because it kept me focused on recovery and gave me hope when I had none, and the possibility that I might feel better.  But time passing has been the real healing agent; although that was the last thing I wanted to hear when I was suffering so intensely.  I did find that mindfulness, breathing exercises and physical exercise helped when all else failed and I was so truly desperate.  Many hours were spent just trying to pay attention to my breath going in and out; and I still use this practice as a relaxation method.  It also helped me greatly to visit this website daily as well as Benzo-Buddies.  I read success stories for hours at a time, read the Bloom in Wellness facebook page each day and anything by Baylissa Frederick and also Don Killian.

 

So, what remains for me?  I still have tinnitus (although it has gotten much better over the last month), stomach bloating and pain on occassion, nerve pain, some brain zaps at night, fatigue and tiredness, and sleep issues.  If I had to put some percentages on where I am at now I would say physically I am at about 85-90% healed and mentally/emotionally at 90-95% healed.  I now eat anything that I choose although I eat as healthily as possible because I value life so much now and I want to live as long as possible; I exercise regularly and it feels wonderful; I enjoy caffeinated drinks including regular tea and coffee which I had given up for many months; I also drink wine and beer a couple times a week if I choose to and enjoy it.  I am in the best shape since high school, and have lost 75 pounds (on purpose). Life is good again and just the simple things are more than enough to bring joy and happiness.

 

So that is my story and I hope it will encourage you as you read it that you will recover and become yourself again.  I remember reading similar statements in success stories and thinking, “Yea, right, that is easy for you to say, you are not suffering through this terrible hell right now!”  And maybe you are thinking the same thing as I did, but please listen to my words; you will make it, you will recover, you will feel better, and you will join me in loving life once again; just please don’t give up or give in and keep going!

 

As I sit here with a cup of coffee and contemplate what I have been through the last several years, it all seems so strange and foreign.  Success stories promised that I would make it to recovery, and they were right, so now it is my turn to tell you that you will make it, “You will make it!”.  Wishing everyone here all the best and a quick recovery.  Please let me know if you have any questions and I will be happy to try and help.

 

All my love.

 

Pug

God bless you, your beautiful strong soul shines through your personal account. Thank you for spreading light where others feel alone in the darkness of withdrawl. Wish there was events we could all attend and meet up to celebrate these success stories or give hope to those in the early paths of recovery. Your story really inspired me to keep positive. Thank you 💚

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pug
On 3/29/2019 at 1:46 PM, withhopeinmyheart said:

Wow, thank you so much! Thank you for taking the time to come back to us. It means a lot! 

 

I have another question, if you'd like to answer that one (and whenever, surely you don't want to spend all your time here) 

 

You mentioned your relationship briefly. How did it survive? 

I'm happily married, my husband is the best and stands by me. 

 

But I can't really feel for him the way I used to. Often anhedonia or almost anhedonia. It tortures me so much and him too, for sure. 

Sex hasn't been possible at all, since I'm in this hellish world. 

 

Did your partner understand when you couldn't be a loving partner? Like just wait it out together until all the emotions came back? 

 

OK, last question for now:

How are you, dear pug? 

 

Thank you so much! 

 

Relationships are a real challenge when we are going through withdrawal.  I can’t really comment on the subject in specifics because everyone’s situation is unique to them.  If we are lucky, there will be someone or a few people who will stick with us through withdrawal and recovery; if we are not lucky they will leave.  Either way we must keep going and allow them to do as they will, just as we must.

 

Very few people understand what we are going through; it sounds like it is all in our head, we are shunned and marginalized by the medical community; is it no wonder that people in our life might struggle along with us.  I know that I felt like the few people in my life that did their best to help me suffered from care-giver fatigue and frustration.  I couldn’t blame them as I was struggling for months and years and did not appear to be getting any better; I could understand why they might have been a bit tired of it all.  But they did stick by me, suffered in their own way along with me, and witnessed my recovery.  I was fortunate in that my partner saw through my erratic behavior and knew that the “real” me was still there under all the symptoms, and trusted me when I explained what was happening and what I was going through.

 

How am I doing you ask; better, ever so slowly better but not completely done yet.  My journey to recovery has been one of very slow, very gradual improvements with much up and down, back and forth healing processes.  After so much time, this could easily be seen as discouraging, and I have certainly gone there many times, but it can also be seen as encouraging due to the fact that over the span of the last few years improvement continues and that is what I do my best to consider each day.  If we can all keep our focus on the fact that time is our greatest ally, and that it can work miracles, we can get through this process.  For me and many others it will be the greatest challenge that we have ever face in our lives, but it is a challenge that can be overcome if we can hold on and let the healing happen.

 

All my best to everyone, and wishes of much healing,

 

pug

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pug

Hello,

 

It seems like many of you have similar questions concerning healing, if you will heal, are you possibly so bad off that you won’t heal, or if you are still on medication can you heal etc.  I know when I was in the midst of my worst suffering I obsessed about it constantly and was terrified that by stopping cold turkey I had damaged myself beyond repair.  It is understandable; when we suffer day after day with no signs of healing and it seems as if it will never end.  That is why it was so important to me to read about the success of others who had healed or were healing, it kept my hope alive at a time when my brain was barely functional.  I needed someone else to help me see with reason and clarity that withdrawal is a temporary condition; brutal and long lasting for sure, but temporary none the less. So maybe some thoughts about this area of recovery can be of comfort and encouragement to you:

 

Think about all of the various examples of folks who are getting better or have recovered and their unique experience:  Those that only took the drugs for a few weeks or months and then take months or years to recover; those who take the drugs for years and years and recover within weeks or a few months; and all of the examples in between these 2 extremes.  For sure, none of it is fair, predictable, or even understandable.  Some people taper correctly, some taper too fast, some go cold turkey, etc., and when you think about all of the different drugs, drug combinations, and various other complications that people have dealt with, it’s easy to see the infinite number of different combinations of situations is endless.

 

What I am getting at though, is that there is healing happening for people in all of these different examples.  The common thread here is that healing is happening!  We all think that we won’t heal, that we will be the one person that can’t get any better.  In my opinion this is just the way the brain plays tricks on us during withdrawal and recovery; it is a common symptom that is part of the healing process and will go away as we heal and get better.  So what we have to do when we are in the worst of it and can’t reason our way out of this terrible symptom, is to try and find a way to cope, pass time, and stay hopeful.  What I did was read success stories daily, highlighting the parts that gave me the most hope; or retyping quotes from success stories into my daily journal that I kept in a word document.  I greatly doubted that I would recover, but reading the success stories daily helped me hold out a little hope that I would get better; and that kept me going each day until things started to improve ever so slowly.

 

Another great resource is this forum which provides the opportunity to connect with others who truly understand what you are going through.  So when you feel that you are alone and don’t have anyone that understands, or anyone to lean on, don’t forget about your friends here along with the moderators who can provide you with assistance.  We are all lucky to have discovered this forum and know what is happening to us.  Think of all the poor souls that have no idea that they are in withdrawal and the path that they are having to walk; we should all be grateful we have made it here.

 

I know what a struggle this process is, but please keep focused on the fact that people are healing from this.  You will too, you just have to keep going in the best way that you can, coping with the symptoms, caring for yourself, getting help if you need it from those that you trust and using the resources here at the forum.  It is just a matter of allowing enough time to pass and healing to happen.  Don’t give up; don’t quit; you can do it!

 

All my wishes for much healing,

 

Pug

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Dejavu

God bless you! I really needed to read this - at this exact moment, in fact. I am rapidly losing hope. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have made a difference.

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RachelSusan

Pug,

I just read your last post.  How thoughtful of you to take your time to write such an encouraging and uplifting post.  I really appreciate it, as I am sure many other people of this site do as well. 

Warm wishes,

Rachel

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FarmGirlWorks
On 4/12/2019 at 4:44 PM, pug said:

We are all lucky to have discovered this forum and know what is happening to us.  Think of all the poor souls that have no idea that they are in withdrawal and the path that they are having to walk; we should all be grateful we have made it here.

Thank you so much, @pug. I truly believe SA saved my life... or at least saved me from going back on ADs and devolving into a psych drug (un)merry-go-round. You are a talented writer and inspiration.

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Terry
On 4/13/2019 at 5:30 AM, Maryb said:

Pug, truly you are a beautiful person and at a time of much deep despair your words really resonated with me.  You give me hope even when I’m so deep in W/D and not able to see things clearly.  I pray daily for God to please help me heal. I am trying to do all the things to keep my body healthy so it can heal.  I’m truly fighting and doing the best I can.  God bless you and all who are still suffering.  You keep hope alive. 🙏🙏🙏

I see you have written "nothing" in your drug signature.  Have you CT'd the drugs you were taking?  I'm sure the temptation is great, but I hope you didn't do that.  Best wishes going forward.

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Mikegs96

Do you think there is any hope of me recovering even though I was on many different psych meds when my brain was still developing? I was on many different SSRI's and other types of Antidepressants like Wellbutrin, Lexapro, An antipsychotic called rexulti, Prozac, Zoloft, an MAOI called EMSam. For about a year because I stopped celexa cold turkey and didn't realize it was withdrawal.

 

And also because the symptoms were diagnosed as a recurrence of depression. I'm also wondering if sexual function fluctuated for you? Because for me sometimes my orgasms can be normal and sometimes they are non existent. Also I was stimulants for awhile for ADHD and smoked a lot of weed in high school which is part of the reason I think my brain is permantly damaged. 

I was on psych meds from the ages of 11-22.

 

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pug
9 hours ago, Mikegs96 said:

Do you think there is any hope of me recovering even though I was on many different psych meds when my brain was still developing? I was on many different SSRI's and other types of Antidepressants like Wellbutrin, Lexapro, An antipsychotic called rexulti, Prozac, Zoloft, an MAOI called EMSam. For about a year because I stopped celexa cold turkey and didn't realize it was withdrawal.

 

And also because the symptoms were diagnosed as a recurrence of depression. I'm also wondering if sexual function fluctuated for you? Because for me sometimes my orgasms can be normal and sometimes they are non existent. Also I was stimulants for awhile for ADHD and smoked a lot of weed in high school which is part of the reason I think my brain is permantly damaged. 

I was on psych meds from the ages of 11-22.

 

 

Hello,

 

I replied to your PM but I will repost it here for you also, or anyone else that may benefit from it.

 

 

Hello,

 

It is my 100% belief that you are not permanently damaged and that you can completely recover from this terrible process that you have had to endure.  You can look at it in 2 ways; all of the reasons that you are damaged and won’t be able to recover, like your age, your drug history, your current and past issues and problems, etc. or you can look at it from the angle of why you will recover, the brain is incredibly self-healing and can overcome incredible circumstances.  Think of all the people who have sustained physical damage to their brain from gun shots, accidents, tumors, surgeries, etc. and who have come back to lead a normal life.  So whatever you have done in the past that has harmed your brain, once those things have been removed then the brain can start to heal and recover.  Only fools and liars think they know how the brain works or its limitations, it has an amazing ability to recover and become healthy.  So don’t listen to anyone who says otherwise.

 

I and many, many others have experienced the symptoms that you describe, and we have healed or are healing.  The process can be very challenging and take more time that makes sense, but it can end with a new life of health and happiness.  So having done many things in the past that were unhealthy and bad for you, why not now go in the opposite direction and see just how healthy you can become?

 

If you can see this as a puzzle to be solved and that you are a detective who is trying to solve the puzzle of recovery, then it can make it easier to cope.  Start a journal and write down your symptoms and how you are feeling each day.  Make notes about what may be helping, what causes problems, etc. along with any progress you make.  Include inspiring and helpful success stories, quotes, and sayings that inspire you and keep you going.  Paste pictures of nature, animals, or people that you admire into your journal and use it to keep on the path to recovery and to stay positive.  This time does not have to be one of misery and suffering alone, it can also be a process of discovery, self-education and personal growth.

 

Consider this time that you are spending recovering from all of the drugs as a cleansing process for you brain, body, and nervous system to heal and recover.  If you can adopt this way of thinking about your situation then you can relax and let it take as much time as necessary.  You are getting healthy, thinking and planning for your future, and looking forward to a new, happy and healthy life!

 

You can do this!

 

All the best to you,

 

pug

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gigi63

Very lovely Pug!!!  I believe you Pug.  Thank you for replying to all.  God’s blessings on you and your loved ones.  

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MaggieSmalls

Hey @pug,

you are incredibly helpful for all of us with your detailed replies and succes story I want to thank you for this. I dont know how many times I read your story over and over again when I have these intense withdrawal days. It always lifts up my mood when I feel alone with all those symptoms because no one in my environment can relate to what I try to tell them.

What you describe is so common to what I am going trough for almost 4 years now. I say 4 years because I had lots of the known symptoms from the very beginning I started taking Paxil in early 2016.

 

It is just so unimaginable that we still suffer after all those month because nothing I ever faced in life lasts so long plus the recovery does not feel like when you haveing a flu or a broken arm.

As you described it is 1 step forward 3 steps back and no month is like the other. One symptom goes the other appears - One symptom which has gone for a few month just comes back and stays again for a few weeks.

 

I quit paxil in  Feb 2017 after a very fast taper and 2017 + 2018 were just awful for me though I had windows from the very beginning. Now I am sitting here in a bad wave 27 month after taking my last pill of Paxil with intenste Derealisation,Brain Fog, Dizziness, Tinitus, Feeling Drugged / Hungover ,Head Pressure,  Hot and Cold Flashes /  Sweating ,Gastic Problems, Muscle / Joint Pain & intense Moodswings.

While having a wave there is constantly an inner voice which is trying to tell me that this is no WD and you are just sick or permanently braindamaged which is I guess a common WD symptom itself.

The worse symptoms are Derealisation combined with Brainfog and Dizziness because I feel like I am not connected with the world at all and I cant imagine anymore how it feels when you are back to normal where everynthing feels balanced and "connected".  The feeling of suffering from these symptoms plus not feeling connected to your world is so awful and sometimes I really lose all my hope that it will ever stop. It such a long road until now that I sometimes think I cant fell normal again because I was to deep and too long into it but than I read your articles and I think if he could make it out of it why not me?

But this motivation only lasts until I get the next intense wave.

 

I am waiting so bad for this very first day where I have no Derealisation & Brainfog and I feel "normal" and healthy again. Where everything makes sense again and I can continue with living a normal life.

 

All the best to everyone reading this!

Maggie

 

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Mikegs96
On 4/2/2019 at 6:43 PM, gigi63 said:

Keep the hope, Hold, Hold, Hold, stay at steady state.  TIME!!!  The healing is slow but time and steady state will bring healing. Do not disrupt the brain with anything if you don’t have to.  It needs steady state to work itself out and make heads and tails out of it all.  Not fast at all but make a commitment not to interfere with the process. Yes, very hard but needed. Do not make the mistake of compounding WD.  Keep holding onto hope.  For me, when flickering, I rely on my Lord, every single moment!!!!

That's probably why it's taking so long for me. I interrupted the healing after going cold turkey off celexa at least 9-10 times. Over a period of a year by going on medications that they prescribed to treat the depression. Since they didn't believe it could be withdrawal.

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Fausto33
Posted (edited)

I suffer from this f***** side effect unable to have inner monologue crazy brain empty nada Nothing … , unable to have emotions, libido imagination … torture since 7 month i stop everything and i take 1 injection paliperidone and 4 weeks risperidone in pill. 

 

Guy who fight with this side effect and guy who have win with this side effect ?

Edited by brassmonkey
censured language

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brassmonkey

Hi Fausto-- This is to let you know that I just edited your post to clean up the language.  SA is a family site and we have a good number of members who are minors.  We request that all members be mindful of their language and avoid the use of curse words.  I know that during ADWD emotions and frustration can run high, but we need to maintain some civility.

 

Thank you for your future cooperation.

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siwoue

What do you mean by "intense organic fear" ? I think thats what im dealing with. Just wanna know im not alone. Like intense terror coming from nowhere and stays for prox one hour at a time.. Since you cant rip your skin off and run away from yourself i just lie down and wait.. And think - either im going crazy or ill survive this one again. 

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withhopeinmyheart

Hi dear pug, 

 

if you don't mind me asking... You said you had what you felt was PTSD during your healing process. Can you describe maybe? Did you have triggers and flashbacks? And it then just went away with time? 

 

Because I feel this might be happening for me... And so far none of the usual skills could help me. Because it's not me but withdrawal forcing this onto me. 

I am basically paralyzed by all this and have to wait... Mostly housebound because of mental symptoms. 

 

Well, sorry for bothering you so much. 

Thank you for returning as often as you do! 

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Nsr99

Hi

I have a success story to tell. But, I figure it is better to start a new thread, rather than overwhelm Pug’s thread. I am new to this site.

 

I will start the new thread in the near future as soon as I finish from an issue at hand. 

 

In summary, I was on SSRI (cipralex) for 6 years. I went off of SSRI now for 3 years and 3 months.   It was tough, very painful, but worth it. I am much much better. I can enjoy things again.

 

My success story is almost (90%) similar to that of Pug’s.  

 

When I have the time, I will revisit and post more.

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Altostrata

@Nsr99 please do add your success story to this forum.

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Ruthmcg

Thank you for sharing this, it's so inspiring! Not just to me, but I'm sure to many.

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Ryder

Hi Pug,

 

Interested and have been following your story.

 

What do you do with yourself now? Did you go back to work, do you have a family do you go out to events and social places?

 

I wonder these things for myself as I am still in my 20's and have been on this stuff for over 10 years. I still have hope, but just want to know what that looks like in the 'future' I don't even know if i should use that word with all the Gurus we have here meditating and whatnot.

 

Thanks and i understand if you can't reply.

 

Ryder.

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Longroadhome
1 hour ago, Ryder said:

Hi Pug,

 

Interested and have been following your story.

 

What do you do with yourself now? Did you go back to work, do you have a family do you go out to events and social places?

 

I wonder these things for myself as I am still in my 20's and have been on this stuff for over 10 years. I still have hope, but just want to know what that looks like in the 'future' I don't even know if i should use that word with all the Gurus we have here meditating and whatnot.

 

Thanks and i understand if you can't reply.

 

Ryder.

Hi Pug just to add to this thread how long did you have the anxiety and depression for, were they continuos throughout recovery and did they alter in severity eg some months worse than others for no apparent reason ? 

I’d  just like to say I read your success story every week (I allow myself just one reading when it’s been an especially hard day/week) you keep

me going and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing such a detailed account of your recovery. I identify with so much and you give me courage to continue to move forward. 

How are you ? 

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Longroadhome
On 6/7/2019 at 1:02 PM, Nsr99 said:

Hi

I have a success story to tell. But, I figure it is better to start a new thread, rather than overwhelm Pug’s thread. I am new to this site.

 

I will start the new thread in the near future as soon as I finish from an issue at hand. 

 

In summary, I was on SSRI (cipralex) for 6 years. I went off of SSRI now for 3 years and 3 months.   It was tough, very painful, but worth it. I am much much better. I can enjoy things again.

 

My success story is almost (90%) similar to that of Pug’s.  

 

When I have the time, I will revisit and post more.

Hello there can you please let those of us still suffering hear your success story . There’s not enough coming through and it gives us so much hope . 

 

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Longroadhome
On 5/29/2017 at 7:03 PM, pug said:

Yes, it will feel like a miracle when it happens for you; and it will happen for you, it is just a matter of time.  I want to get that out there first thing; it is my belief that we will all heal in time; it has happened for me and is continuing to happen and it will happen for you.  Am I completely 100% done healing?  No.  Am I so, so much better?  Oh yes!  Now for some basics:

 

Male, mid 50s, took zoloft for over 20 year, quit cold turkey 3.5 years ago, was off 5 months, thought I was relapsing, so started prozac for 3.5 months and then quit that cold turkey.  Then I found S.A. and discovered what I was dealing with was not a relapse but withdrawal (and recovery).  So yes, I did everything completely wrong and more than once!  I am proof that given time we can heal.

 

I currently just celebrated 30 months of being drug free.  Now, how to begin to describe the inhumane torture that I have endured until very recently; not sure but I will try.  I have gone through both the windows and waves pattern and the continuous misery pattern.  I was one of those that suffered a great deal after quitting, but really got slammed at about 6 months off.  At 1 year I was barely functioning; at 1.5 years I was still miserable, and at 2 years off I was wondering if I was doomed to endless suffering with no end.  But now as I have hit the 2.5 year mark I feel as if I have turned the corner.

 

Windows and waves general comprised the first year and then it became continuous misery for pretty much the next 6 to 12 months or more; and then back to windows and waves.  My last serious wave was in months 25-26 and now finally what feels like solid progress the last month or so.  I am hesitant to list symptoms because I know how much it use to scare me to read what others were going through; but on the other hand it really helped when a new symptom would start, because I knew it was part of the recovery process and not some disease or sickness, and most of these are gone or have become minimal although they lasted for months or years.  And just because I experienced them does not mean that you will, we all have a very individual road to recovery; so here they are in no specific order:

 

Dark depression, anxiety, paranoia, obsessive compulsive, panic attacks, intrusive/obsessive thoughts that tortured me, hopelessness, irrational thinking, suicidal thoughts, brain zaps, intense organic fear, severe inner-body tension that felt like my whole insides were clamped up, sexual dysfunction, severe tension, tremors and pain in the back of my legs and calves, terrible shoulder and upper arm pain, mania, extreme bloating and stomach pain, nausea, dizziness, vertigo, feeling like my brain was on fire, feeling like a part of my brain was missing, feeling like a bomb had gone off in my head, floating head feeling, super-hot face, body temperature regulation problems – being super-hot or cold, constipation, dehydration, lack of appetite and weight loss, feeling dead, anhedonia, akathisia, mood swings, insomnia, terrible brain fog and inability to think clearly, sensitive vision and hearing, inching and burning skin, cold like symptoms, head congestion, phantom smells, constant tinnitus, severe fatigue and exhaustion, health anxiety, I could not read, listen to music, or meditate, heart palpitations, random traveling aching and stabbing pain throughout my body, headaches, and so many other symptoms that I can’t remember.  The torture, pain, misery, suffering and utter despair was never ending…until it did finally start to end for me and it will for you too.

 

Did anything help me along the way?  I tried many things; acupuncture, vitamins and supplements, alpha-stim, gluten free diet, no sugar diet, no caffeine, no alcohol, and anything else I could do to try and feel better.  Did it work?  In a sense it all worked because it kept me focused on recovery and gave me hope when I had none, and the possibility that I might feel better.  But time passing has been the real healing agent; although that was the last thing I wanted to hear when I was suffering so intensely.  I did find that mindfulness, breathing exercises and physical exercise helped when all else failed and I was so truly desperate.  Many hours were spent just trying to pay attention to my breath going in and out; and I still use this practice as a relaxation method.  It also helped me greatly to visit this website daily as well as Benzo-Buddies.  I read success stories for hours at a time, read the Bloom in Wellness facebook page each day and anything by Baylissa Frederick and also Don Killian.

 

So, what remains for me?  I still have tinnitus (although it has gotten much better over the last month), stomach bloating and pain on occassion, nerve pain, some brain zaps at night, fatigue and tiredness, and sleep issues.  If I had to put some percentages on where I am at now I would say physically I am at about 85-90% healed and mentally/emotionally at 90-95% healed.  I now eat anything that I choose although I eat as healthily as possible because I value life so much now and I want to live as long as possible; I exercise regularly and it feels wonderful; I enjoy caffeinated drinks including regular tea and coffee which I had given up for many months; I also drink wine and beer a couple times a week if I choose to and enjoy it.  I am in the best shape since high school, and have lost 75 pounds (on purpose). Life is good again and just the simple things are more than enough to bring joy and happiness.

 

So that is my story and I hope it will encourage you as you read it that you will recover and become yourself again.  I remember reading similar statements in success stories and thinking, “Yea, right, that is easy for you to say, you are not suffering through this terrible hell right now!”  And maybe you are thinking the same thing as I did, but please listen to my words; you will make it, you will recover, you will feel better, and you will join me in loving life once again; just please don’t give up or give in and keep going!

 

As I sit here with a cup of coffee and contemplate what I have been through the last several years, it all seems so strange and foreign.  Success stories promised that I would make it to recovery, and they were right, so now it is my turn to tell you that you will make it, “You will make it!”.  Wishing everyone here all the best and a quick recovery.  Please let me know if you have any questions and I will be happy to try and help.

 

All my love.

 

Pug

Hello pug I’ve read your success story a few time now and it gives me real hope I will recover. 

My journey started last August with poop out on Paxil. a too fast taper left me unstable from Feb this year and I’m now holding. 

Can I ask you , you said you had some symptoms for years was depression and anxiety two of them and did you have episodes of better and worse months with them for no reason ? As this is what I seem to be having . Last month they were relatively low but this month they are high. 

Thank you for posting your story it’s a lifesaver . 

How are you now? 

 

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pug
On 5/22/2019 at 4:06 PM, Fausto33 said:

I suffer from this f***** side effect unable to have inner monologue crazy brain empty nada Nothing … , unable to have emotions, libido imagination … torture since 7 month i stop everything and i take 1 injection paliperidone and 4 weeks risperidone in pill. 

 

Guy who fight with this side effect and guy who have win with this side effect ?

 

Hello,

 

Yes, you can overcome this; you can win this battle.  It will take courage, acceptance, perseverance, and a tenacious will to not give up, but you can do it and recover from this terrible syndrome.  I say this because I was once where you are now and I know what you are going through.  I also know that healing and improvements are possible and that we can regain our life, hope, and happiness.  Just keep going and don’t stop; it is possible!

 

pug

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pug
On 5/28/2019 at 12:35 PM, siwoue said:

What do you mean by "intense organic fear" ? I think thats what im dealing with. Just wanna know im not alone. Like intense terror coming from nowhere and stays for prox one hour at a time.. Since you cant rip your skin off and run away from yourself i just lie down and wait.. And think - either im going crazy or ill survive this one again. 

 

Hello,

 

You have described it pretty much as I experienced it:  Overwhelming terror coming out of nowhere, for no reason, washing over me with paralyzing intensity.  All I could do was cope as best as I could and wait it out as it would eventually get a little better.  It was a terribly troubling symptom but one that I have not had for a long time now as I healed enough for it to go away for good.  It will happen for you too; just keep moving forward toward your goal of recovery and things will get better.

 

Healing thoughts,

 

pug

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pug
On 6/1/2019 at 6:11 AM, withhopeinmyheart said:

Hi dear pug, 

 

if you don't mind me asking... You said you had what you felt was PTSD during your healing process. Can you describe maybe? Did you have triggers and flashbacks? And it then just went away with time? 

 

Because I feel this might be happening for me... And so far none of the usual skills could help me. Because it's not me but withdrawal forcing this onto me. 

I am basically paralyzed by all this and have to wait... Mostly housebound because of mental symptoms. 

 

Well, sorry for bothering you so much. 

Thank you for returning as often as you do! 

 

Hello,

 

It is hard to put into words the truly bizarre and disturbing symptoms that I had, but it was something like you describe with events, thoughts, or situations bringing back symptoms, fears, and bad thoughts.  I could never trust the process when I would feel a little better because I had been beaten down so many times by symptoms coming back, sometimes worse than before.  I was hyper-sensitive, and could spiral into a bad way very quickly.  There was a lot of suffering and misery for a very long time, but eventually things improved slowly and I was able to accept the process and move forward to the best of my abilities at the time.  Things get better, we improve, we can handle more and more, and eventually this process will start to fade as the healing happens.  Just hang in there and keep going!

 

pug

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pug
On 6/9/2019 at 9:26 AM, Ryder said:

Hi Pug,

 

Interested and have been following your story.

 

What do you do with yourself now? Did you go back to work, do you have a family do you go out to events and social places?

 

I wonder these things for myself as I am still in my 20's and have been on this stuff for over 10 years. I still have hope, but just want to know what that looks like in the 'future' I don't even know if i should use that word with all the Gurus we have here meditating and whatnot.

 

Thanks and i understand if you can't reply.

 

Ryder.

 

Hello,

 

Yes to all of those things!  I work, have a family, a social life, hobbies, and generally enjoy life most of the time.  I am not yet 100% recovered but close enough that the activities of daily living are no longer a challenge and I am enjoying life again.  It will happen for you also.  The brain and body want to heal and recover from this, they just need us to give them the best care that we can and the time it takes for them to heal.  It is a serious challenge to be sure, but one that we can successfully complete and the reward is well worth it.

 

All the best to you,

 

pug

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On 6/9/2019 at 10:45 AM, Longroadhome said:

Hi Pug just to add to this thread how long did you have the anxiety and depression for, were they continuos throughout recovery and did they alter in severity eg some months worse than others for no apparent reason ? 

I’d  just like to say I read your success story every week (I allow myself just one reading when it’s been an especially hard day/week) you keep

me going and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing such a detailed account of your recovery. I identify with so much and you give me courage to continue to move forward. 

How are you ? 

 

Hello,

 

I am happy that my story has in some way been of benefit to you.  That was my intention in writing it, so it is gratifying to know it is helping others.

 

Yes I had continuous ups and downs, back and forth, better and worse symptoms.  Even today, I still have some of that although it does not keep me from living life like it once did.  My feeling is that the brain and body have their own way of healing from these terrible drugs that is not understandable and makes no sense.  That is why we are not believed and discounted when we talk to others about what is happening to us; only someone who has been through this process truly understands it.  My anxiety and depression lasted on and off for about 4 years; slowly getting better over that time until now all I experience is a shadow or faint hint of it every now and then.  It is great to not have it bother me any longer!

 

Having been right where you are I can tell you that you will recover and be well again, the only unknown is exactly how long it will take.  But it can make the journey easier to know that in the end things will be right once more and your life will be joyful and happy; and it most certainly will.

 

pug

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pug

4.5 year update.

 

Hello Everyone,

 

I have gotten some questions about how I am doing now so I thought it would be a good time for an update, having just passed the 4.5 year mark a few weeks back.

 

I am amazed at how the time passes now that I have gotten so much better, but first, most folks want to get right to the question of “So how are you doing?”  The answer to that is better; not done, but better.  As I have stated before, my journey has been one of very slow, gradual improvement over the last few years.  I still deal with:

 

Tinnitus; it has become quieter but is still there most days.  I ignore it for the most part and only really notice it on occasion or when it is particularly loud on a day.  Some days it is so light that I have to really concentrate to detect it, and every so often it will be completely gone.

 

Stomach pain and bloating; this symptom has improved the most during the last 6 months or so, especially in the last 1-2 months.  I can have mild discomfort that is noticeable to me, sometimes at night, but the episode is usually short lived and not terribly troubling.

 

Nerve pain; much better than a year ago or even 6 months ago.  It still troubles me on occasion, enough to wake me up at night briefly, but typically it is milder and something that does not affect me except as a distraction.

 

Sleep; a slight improvement.  I can usually sleep 3 to 5 hours straight now and then usually go back to sleep for another 1-3 hours.  I would guess I average 5.5 to 6 or so hours a night.  The sleep is a bit more restful and renewing than it has been over the last many years.  I don’t wake up completely refreshed yet, but I also don’t wake up feeling dreadfully sick either, so that is a win in my book.

 

Fatigue and tiredness; this may have improved slightly but not a great deal.  I am often tired and sometimes fatigued even after getting decent sleep the night before.  It can be frustrating but I also have days and parts of days when it is not there and I get a glimpse of how great I will feel after this is finally gone for good.  After witnessing the improvements that have happened for my stomach lately, I know it is just a matter of time before this symptom improves a great deal and eventually leaves me.

 

Mental and emotional; more stable and predictable from day to day.  I have fewer times of feeling the effects of recovering from AD withdrawal; shadows that creep in from time to time, but usually leave fairly quickly and are not particularly troubling.  I know what they are and also know that they will not bother me for long.  So overall I am experiencing continued improvement in this area.

 

I have been on this path a long time now, and I am aware of symptoms when they arise and that I just need to remain confident and give it time and they will get better and go away.  There is no doubt that I would have preferred to be done with this a few years ago, and I sometimes wonder why it is taking me so long to get completely over the finish line.  But I remain confident that day will arrive for me if I just give it time and keep going.

 

I guess my experience of this process at this point is a lot like a conversation I recently had with a friend; he asked me how I was doing and I replied, “I have been better” and he replied “Yea, but you have been worse also”, and that is what I do my best to focus on; I may not be done yet, but I am worlds better than I once was.  My journey is not done but I continue to march toward the finish line.

 

If you are reading these words and you are feeling hopeless and that there is no chance for you to recover, please know that it is possible, life can be good again, and a bright future awaits you if you keep going and don’t quit!

 

Wishing healing for all here,

 

Pug

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Nsr99
Posted (edited)

Pug

 

Thank you for sharing your experience.

 

As for my success story, here is an update:

 

It has been now 3 years and 3 months since I stopped AD (SSRI). Like Pug, I am not done yet, but I am much much better, and hopeful that I will cross the finish line in the near future, with the help of ALLAH.

 

In summary, my fatigue has vanished, thanks to ALLAH, and my nasal congestion is somehow 20% better; very slow. My sense of smell is not yet there.  Brain zap has improved. Sexual function is 80% better.

 

My advice: do not give up. It is slow, but at least there are some improvements. And do not try to read the details of other's suffering. Because it disturbs you and magnifies your anxiety. Just stick with a success story and wait for your withdrawal symptoms to subside. 

 

Please try listening to the following recitation, it will help sooth your anxiety, and help you get to sleep. Note: you can set the playback speed to 1.5, and it is recommended that you listen to it in one setting.

 

 

 

Edited by Altostrata
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