NewMorning: My journey

[manymoretodays]

Hi NewMorning,  It sounds like your mind may be made up.  I can't share with you the scientific facts that you may be looking for.  I know that at a year out or so....I hit periods of what I like to call "W/D think I need medication again".  I've always had some significant windows though.....and also had become "enlightened" before I arrived here.....I had read "Anatomy of an Epidemic" and had some in person enlightments.  I also just got sicker on medication/drugs.  I am doing great now and would not go back.  No way.  For me.....relationships helped a ton....and not just the romance kind.  As well as getting out a bit more....being social.  And spiritual.  Many times I was cognitively impaired or even mentally if you will.  I too have family history and all the psychobabble stuff.....just the way I see it.  Call me crazy but I honestly believe that generational stuff can be healed.  Maybe even ? DNA.  S' okay.....I am away from my desktop at present and this may be hard to read....no spacing.....Love, peace, healing, recovery, and growth,  manymoretodays

[Miracle123]

Hi Newmorning, im newbie here. I know im not at the right position to give you supoort or encouraged but just dont want to see you give up after 1 year of toughest withdrawal. You such a tough poeple can get through all horrible wothdrawal until 1 yr mark really not easy....myself just off lexapro mark 4++mth live like a hell, dead poeple, no desire, hopeless,emptyness, no meaningful at all. I understand how hard to get out day by day, month by month by counting time pass. Really feel exhausted keep repeated fghting for freedom like never ending stories....i just today read all your previous post and feel what you suffer as i have it before too.....feeling like myself is a stranger poeple when look around all crowned poeple fill with happiness, laughing and smiling with no emotion and numb(feeling jealous)

I really hope you can keep going and not give up easily.....i telll you my stories....i see pyscritrity due to my sleeping disorder cos i got insomnia over 1 month....he just straight away give antidepressant called lexapro and benzo lorezapam to me. That time i ask him ...its i really need this drug? But he asnwer......yes i need it.(Now look back he is wrongly checking and i should not take it as he say i need serotonin for my brain)..so i take it for over 8 or 8.5 mth...i got hit bad reaction on the lexapro force me to taper fast....consider CT. Now i also got so called phase 2 withdrawal which come so extreme 100 times.....i never got anxiety and depression before  but now all your described symptoms i got.....like heart pounding really wanna to kill me..i keep crying everyday for no reason and now i not trust at pychritist anymore...he will no cure me just repeat to prescription drugs so easily like a merry go around ended up you have to take the rest of your life.

Since your already going through the hard time....i really hope you to think twice before take any SSRI. I read many here have a good turning point at 1.5 to 2 yrs mark which they feel improving better....of course our nervous ill really need time to heal and slightly better when time passed. TIME is only way to prove it....this what i believe and keep for hope too. HANG IN THERE......BELIEVE YOURSELF...Take care.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[NewMorning]

Thank you very much for your replies everyone.

 

So since I posted here, I have thought a lot about the encouragement I got on here to keep pushing through. I think I'm really, really tired of feeling so terrible all the time, and if you look for it, you can find a lot of 'positive' stories of people who have gotten better through medication. I guess the thing is though, for how long? And at the expense of what type of long term effects? There is unfortunately no way of knowing what's best for me. It's a gamble on either side.

 

Over the past few days I did decide that I would like to keep pushing through drug free, and keep trying to fight for the day in my life when I feel okay. (Shows how quickly my mind can change lately, every day I'm a different person). It's kind of like I fell off a huge cliff, smoked my head on the ground, and now I'm having to piece back an existence as a completely new human being. That's how it feels anyways. I am running out of things to try though. I suppose just more time, continuing to work on building a life that feels good and meaningful. I was thinking of booking a month or so solo trip to Mexico, but I also think that could be a really bad idea. Like I would get down there, feel overwhelmed, and just huddle in a hotel.

 

I did end up meeting with the psychiatrist today. He did not come across as a caring person at all, told me to stop talking several times. He called me to come in early, then seemed incredibly rushed to get me out the door. The entire meeting was about 30 minutes, but at the end he did say 'no medication'. Which was what I had decided anyway, but I thought it would be a good idea to proceed with the appointment. He booked me in to a mindfulness class, which might be interesting. I do meditate every day, but I've never been to a class on anything like this, and I might learn something.

 

Also as a side note: if anyone knows of a specific story of someone who has been in a similar situation to mine, and who has gone on to get better, if they could let me know that would be amazing. I do try to limit my time on this site (it seems to encourage ruminating for me), but whenever I do poke around the success stories, I find it rare to find one that's encouraging for my situation... I feel for me right now, I'm over the idea of thinking that my mental state is a result of my past SSRI use, but that this is my biological cognitive lens, and it's up to me to do the work to feel okay within it. To put myself in a circumstantial place that makes me feel okay, and to work on sh*tty automatic thoughts that seem to be ingrained.

 

Anyways, thanks again to everyone, warm wishes for healing and growth:)

 

 

[nz11]

Thanks for the update.

My story is similar to yours. I went drug free and held on. 

Also read the caperjackie success story.

One example of a ri outcome is read the maple leaf girl story a person who ri tapered slow then ri again. We don’t know what’s become of her as I have tried to squeeze an update out but no response. Here’s hoping this is a future success story.

 

Hang in there.

[Downbutnotout]

2 hours ago, NewMorning said:

Thank you very much for your replies everyone.

 

So since I posted here, I have thought a lot about the encouragement I got on here to keep pushing through. I think I'm really, really tired of feeling so terrible all the time, and if you look for it, you can find a lot of 'positive' stories of people who have gotten better through medication. I guess the thing is though, for how long? And at the expense of what type of long term effects? There is unfortunately no way of knowing what's best for me. It's a gamble on either side.

 

Over the past few days I did decide that I would like to keep pushing through drug free, and keep trying to fight for the day in my life when I feel okay. (Shows how quickly my mind can change lately, every day I'm a different person). It's kind of like I fell off a huge cliff, smoked my head on the ground, and now I'm having to piece back an existence as a completely new human being. That's how it feels anyways. I am running out of things to try though. I suppose just more time, continuing to work on building a life that feels good and meaningful. I was thinking of booking a month or so solo trip to Mexico, but I also think that could be a really bad idea. Like I would get down there, feel overwhelmed, and just huddle in a hotel.

 

I did end up meeting with the psychiatrist today. He did not come across as a caring person at all, told me to stop talking several times. He called me to come in early, then seemed incredibly rushed to get me out the door. The entire meeting was about 30 minutes, but at the end he did say 'no medication'. Which was what I had decided anyway, but I thought it would be a good idea to proceed with the appointment. He booked me in to a mindfulness class, which might be interesting. I do meditate every day, but I've never been to a class on anything like this, and I might learn something.

 

Also as a side note: if anyone knows of a specific story of someone who has been in a similar situation to mine, and who has gone on to get better, if they could let me know that would be amazing. I do try to limit my time on this site (it seems to encourage ruminating for me), but whenever I do poke around the success stories, I find it rare to find one that's encouraging for my situation... I feel for me right now, I'm over the idea of thinking that my mental state is a result of my past SSRI use, but that this is my biological cognitive lens, and it's up to me to do the work to feel okay within it. To put myself in a circumstantial place that makes me feel okay, and to work on sh*tty automatic thoughts that seem to be ingrained.

 

Anyways, thanks again to everyone, warm wishes for healing and growth:)

 

 

You had a psychiatrist agree to no medication? He told you to stop talking? Is he paying you? Mine is at least polite and means well.  She really does. She thought seroquel would be very helpful at this point. “Let’s think outside the box.” I guess she wanted to put me to sleep. At my last visit, she went along with my 5 beads, but she thinks I’m working my way up to effexor. I would love to sue her for what damage she did to me in the last 6 months.  I will be so happy, and so will she, if we never see each other again. That will be a very happy day. The poor thing is having a baby. I hope she doesn’t feed it antidepressants, or give it seroquel so it sleeps through the night.  I actually am feeling more like my self tonight. Maybe there’s hope. I am hoping you will be happy with your decision. It sure is hard to make up ones mind.. Nobody wants a diminished life. Nobody deserves one either. You sound like a really smart person with a lot going for you. 

[waves12]

Hello NM

 

I just wanted to stop in to say I can relate to almost every word on your posts.  I am CT off meds since June 2016 so just 4 days shy of 20 months med free.

 

I had 5 whole days of feeling very well and back to my old self, whatever that is, this was about 3 weeks ago and then it was gone and back in the waves.  I have had other days of feeling good and almost normal but mainly been in waves with only a few window days thrown in.

This gave me encouragement that I can feel well again and engage in normal life.  Short lived I know but it is there.

 

I would like to have been further on my now but I have to go with it. 

 

It is a very difficult journey and I hear you about wondering if this is now how it is going to be for the future and the dilemma of going back on the drugs, I too have these thoughts on and off and mainly due to the fear of this being the new un-drugged me, not an attractive prospect.

 

I have hope for healing and recovery and notice, by reading and research, that the two year mark seems to be a turning point for some and then much more fine tuning in the third year.  I also look at Bloom In Wellness website for reassurance to back the time frames.  Of course the time frames anywhere are just an average and varies from person to person.

 

I feel like I have lost my life during this process and do very little socialising as its so hard to chat and feel a part of a conversation. I used to do lots of studying too and this is now on hold and this is going to affect my long term plan for work.  I work part time from home at the moment and had big plans for my work situation, these have to wait now.

 

We have to have faith and believe that all will be well, just not in our required time.

 

I hope you will soon start to have better days that will encourage you to stay the course.  I know it is brutal at times.

 

Waves

 

[NewMorning]

Hello waves12. I read a bit through your thread, and I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I'm glad you had a good 5 days of feeling well recently though, that's good news:)

 

I was wondering if I could ask you a quick question though, if you don't mind sharing: since you're almost 20 months medication free, have you had meetings in the past while with any psychiatrists? Or have you lost all trust and don't bother? I'm wondering, according the medical community, is your current psychological state simply a return to your baseline functioning, that just happened to be 'offset' during your years on medication? Or do they agree with you that it's a result of your years of medication?

 

Is this basically the whole thing for most people on here? That there's no real consensus, which has left thousands or more just wondering? Left to make up their own mind based on whatever side they choose to take? Is it that the medical community cannot admit any truth to that idea, because it would result in an insane amount of lawsuits? So it will just press on for years and years, until somehow, somewhere there's some form of scientific evidence? And then the pharmaceutical companies will just say 'whoops, ****, sorry guys. Ya we kinda suspected that, but we really couldn't let on... what with all the money, and jobs and such...'

 

Anyways, I had a really awful day, and then too much coffee...:) Sorry for the rant. I hope you have many more days of feeling well ahead!

 

NM

 

 

[manymoretodays]

Wow NewMorning,

 

That's pretty good I think as far as your recent psychiatrist appointment goes.  I think that is good news.

It really did help me, when I got here to read some of the many postings especially the pinned articles at the top of the symptoms and tapering sections.  As well as the success stories.  And I had been collecting literature for years around the "drug free" movement, I guess you could call it.  And would go to that as well.

 

I mean it's not ideal, the way that you came off your Cipralex.  Just as it wasn't ideal how I came off many of my medications.  The last couple I did do better with.......as far as tapering more judiciously.  And became more vigilant with diet and supplements and tracking how what seemed to correlate with what symptoms........of which I always attributed to W/D.  I would rather have people taper more harmfree I suppose you could say.......then go through what I went through, while I was uninformed/uneducated or simply unable to do different than what the majority of prescribers suggest.  Honestly.......it's a distant memory for me now........I mean the worst of it all.

 

In regard to your question to waves.......about seeing the psychiatrist.  I haven't been back..........yet.  I mean I would like to do one final visit.  It may not be possible.  As my last shrink closed down and moved.  I think she still may see patients though.  It was hard back when my symptoms were more acute to see her.  It was also hard to see my GP.  Just as far as communicating without waves of neuroemotions.

 

And for me.......I don't know........I feel better than baseline psychologically.  Certainly not due to my medication history. 

 

Welcome aboard.  And please don't hesitate to take a look about..........or even ask directly here on your introduction/journal for new coping skills ideas.

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

mmt

 

 

[waves12]

Hi New Morning

 

Great to see your post to me. Sorry you have had an awful day, it is a hard task each day.

 

I have not had a consultation with any shrink at all, I had thought about going many times.  I tried a reinstatement on 2 or 3 occasions just a 1 or 2 mg dose but felt dreadful within days and felt even more suicidal. I understand from reading on here that reinstatements can work and with perseverance it could relieve the symptoms but for me I wasn't prepared to wait weeks to find that one out so chose to stay away from the drugs.

 

When I tried the reinstatements I did not consult with my doctor.  I did however speak to a doctor over the phone to say how bad I was feeling and he just said it is a return of condition and all this was said via a 2 minute telephone consultation and he said to start a new drug which he would write out for me and leave for collection.  It was at this point that I decided no more.  I felt very annoyed at the doctor and his attitude and lack of care and of his dismissive approach of what was happening to me.

 

I sure understand all your doubts about:  is it really the damage of drugs or just our baseline selves.  Its a tricky one to really know for sure.

 

I have read lots of books and watched lots of videos that do raise a lot of doubt into the use of these drugs and it does seem a huge financial gain for big pharma and I am sure they would not want to miss out on this cash machine.

 

I would guess too that many patients stop the meds and don't have any further problems so this leaves us confused to say the least and maybe in the minority so its hard to be heard at the doctors/friends/family etc.  My family and friends certainly have a hard time understanding and believing what I tell them. So it raises the question of 'are we just unfortunate being damaged with the drugs or do we need our medication to function correctly?'  I at times can be on the fence about this but actions speak louder, so I stay away from meds.

 

As I mentioned to you before I draw great confidence in the Bloom in Wellness website, Baylissa herself has been through this and has helped a total of 9000 people now and still continues to help and reassure many sufferers.  She says the only outcome is to heal as is said on here too.

 

I do feel at times feel I have had enough of this crap but I don't have an alternative for now so I have to keep moving forward.  My life is very small now and I find this upsetting as I was once a very active person and full of life and laughter and am just a shell of the person I once was, currently anyway.

 

I try not to stress about the time its taking to get better but I can get quite concerned and disheartened in fact I had a mini meltdown this morning as been feeling quite bad for the last 4 days and had to cancel a few things.

 

I hope you will soon experience some better days, look forward to reading about them

 

Waves

 

 

[NewMorning]

Could I ask a 'symptom' question of anyone out there: is anyone experiencing, or has experienced troubles with their speech, after withdrawing from long term SSRI use? I'm not sure if it's just a symptom of depression, or if my brain is just deteriorating, but I constantly struggle to form sentences properly. Like my brain can't properly put together the words to match my thoughts. It's much worse when I'm tired, but it's pretty much constant, and I was never like this. I feel like people think I'm crazy, or mentally slow. And my family just seems concerned as to what's happening to me. Even when I'm writing words on paper, I often write the wrong letters for no reason, a hand written letter contains a ton of scratched out mistakes. Maybe I have some kind of undiagnosed degenerative brain disease, that's slowly killing me...

 

Has this type of thing happened to anyone?

[ChessieCat]

Yes, I've experienced it and it is a common symptom.  I have had times where I can't do word puzzles, other times where I can't do things involving numbers, there was a time I couldn't do jigsaw puzzles, which I have been doing all my life.  I couldn't turn the pieces around in my mind.  I've had times were I can't find the word I want, or have the words in my mind but can't put them into a clear sentence.  I've experienced not being able to scan written material, which being a typist I am generally good at.  Also comprehending what is written.  These things have happened on and off but I have noticed improvement.

 

brain-fog-blank-mind-comprehension-cognitive-and-memory-problems

 

problems-with-speechcommunicating

 

brain-fog-blank-mind-comprehension-cognitive-and-memory-problems

 

I can remember one member saying something like she couldn't remember the word for broom and ended up saying the thing you sweep the floor with.  I can remember reading it because it was something so simple yet she couldn't remember it and I've had similar times when I've had to give up trying to find the word I want to use because I couldn't remember it.

[Downbutnotout]

23 minutes ago, NewMorning said:

Hi thecowisback.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, I was poking around this site because I've been feeling like garbage lately and came across your story. Over the past few months I've been feeling so awful that I too have thought a lot about possibly getting back on the psychopharmaceutical  train, but it always comes back to me realizing that it's a terrible idea, and I'm glad I haven't.

 

I came across a couple things recently that I have found helpful in reaffirming my choice to continue med free, and I just thought I would toss them out there, in case you found them helpful or interesting. They might have been talked about a lot on this site, I'm not sure, and maybe you've already heard about them, but they seem to really shed rational light on using ssris to treat 'depression'. At least for me they did. This first is a 3 part series by the CBC called 'Rethinking Depression': http://www.cbc.ca/player/play/2341174297

That's the link to part 1. It was done in 2013, so maybe old news to you... The second is a book called 'Lost Connections' by Johann Hari. I think he maybe oversimplifies depression a little bit, but it's nice to start rethinking what we consider depression. At least in some cases, of course everyone is different, and there certainly are extreme cases where it very well could be a medical problem. I found the audio book on Audible, and it's read by him. He's from the UK so you might be all over this, but just thought I'd throw it out there, I definitely found it helpful, and interesting

 

Anyways, best of luck to you in your healing, sending positive vibes your way:)

 

So are you doing better?

 

Edited March 5, 2018 by ChessieCat

[NewMorning]

I wouldn't really say I'm doing 'better' in any way, every single day is a real struggle for me. But I'm battling as hard as I can, and I'm trying to learn to accept myself for who I am right now. I've spent a lot of time beating the **** out of myself mentally, and especially over the past year and a bit. But I'm trying to be more kind to myself, to take what I have done so far in my life, and move forward.

 

My new project is to not to dissect so intensely why I feel this way all the time, but just to accept it for what it is right now, and to try to get my situational life in to a better place, and then see how I feel. I think spending a good portion of my life attempting to carve out a career in music, has resulted in a lot of what I have until now considered 'failure' to live up to the standard of our culture. And I've really thought of myself as 'worthless' over the past few years, which kind of went bananas during the whole withdrawal phase of my life. I think I have a lot of work to do on myself in terms of the way I view myself, which has become such a dark ingrained way of thinking. Basically along the lines of CBT, is some of the work I need to do. And I've decided that I can't give up on pursuing my real goals, even if I wanted to, I feel like I don't have a choice. So the road ahead looks very difficult, and I have a ton of work to do, but I feel that if I work as hard as I can, I will eventually get to a place where looking back, it will all feel worth it.

 

And it's kind of a testament to the motivational powers of feeling like garbage, it forces you to stare in the awful face of the real demons that stand in your way, and to work on taking them down. Sometimes. Sometimes it just makes everything seem so worthless it's hard to find a reason to keep moving. But for now, for me, the fight seems to come back. I also have a specific little plan for moving forward for the next few months, which is a little bit exciting. That helps I think, maybe it's one reason I'm feeling like battling on. I think it's important to try to formulate a bit of a view of a future, something to feel somewhat hopeful about, whatever it is, because I think life after ssris lies, and makes the future seem so unbelievably god damn dark and meaningless.

 

I did want to do sort of a full update on what I've learned so far over this whole process, the good and the bad, so maybe I'll do that soon. I feel like I've learned a ton, and really I have come a long way. To think back to some of that garbage I had in my head, it's crazy I made it through. Well, still making it though.

 

Anyways

[NewMorning]

I wanted to briefly vent about a realization I had today. I think one of the biggest things I lost since withdrawing from SSRIs, is my sense of identity. It was completely destroyed, and it could be perfectly coincidental, and just be due to age and life circumstance, but I've literally lost the sense of who I am. I'm now just kind of wandering the planet like a walking corpse.

 

I think a prerequisite for ambition, is at least a stable sense of self, which will naturally guide you toward the direction you want to head in life. Knowing who you are, and where you want to get to. If you have no clue who you are, every single choice you can conjure up, seems awful and worthless, and has a horrible bleak feeling attached to it. That's what I'm dealing with right now anyway, I'm so tired of my current life situation, and desperately making plans to 'more forward', but every single move feels absolutely disgusting and wrong. I wonder if anyone else has felt like life after long term SSRI use has broken their sense of self identity. And did it ever come back? Do you end up just having to rebuild a new one from scratch? Or is it all just a complicated mess of emotions, affecting life circumstance, affecting emotion, until you're stripped of everything you built in life, waiting for the strength the start rebuilding again?... maybe I should move to a tiny island, change my name and start working on a farm... that sounds nice.

[ChessieCat]

Here are some topics:

 

identity-crisis

 

creating-a-new-self-after-withdrawal

 

which-me-is-the-real-me

 

[NewMorning]

Thank you so much ChessieCat, I really appreciate that. Wow, there are so many stories out there, with people dealing with my exact specific 'symptoms' (I know that sounds obvious, and maybe ignorant of me:), I guess I have a lot more research to do. I'm always quick to just blame myself for how I'm feeling, for having just a bad attitude, or being weak. I basically I think of myself as having a 'bum brain', but trying to work as hard as I can to get to some kind of normalcy. It's a strange thing to consider how much of my current mind I could attribute to long term med use, it's a really blurry line to pinpoint, and changes depending on the day, or what I've read. Anyways, thanks again, I hope you're having a nice day:) It's finally feeling a bit like spring around here, which helps.

[manymoretodays]

 

On 2/20/2018 at 11:27 PM, NewMorning said:

Could I ask a 'symptom' question of anyone out there: is anyone experiencing, or has experienced troubles with their speech, after withdrawing from long term SSRI use? I'm not sure if it's just a symptom of depression, or if my brain is just deteriorating, but I constantly struggle to form sentences properly. Like my brain can't properly put together the words to match my thoughts. It's much worse when I'm tired, but it's pretty much constant, and I was never like this. I feel like people think I'm crazy, or mentally slow. And my family just seems concerned as to what's happening to me. Even when I'm writing words on paper, I often write the wrong letters for no reason, a hand written letter contains a ton of scratched out mistakes. Maybe I have some kind of undiagnosed degenerative brain disease, that's slowly killing me...

 

Has this type of thing happened to anyone?

 

Hi NewMorning,

 

It get's better.  I mean it does get better.  What helps me is and what has been really great..........is realizing that the only opinion or judgement or labeling of myself that really matters anymore.........is that which comes from within.  Finding myself to be my very own best friend has been a Godsend really.  Not getting lost in all the "what ifs" anymore. 

 

And that's where I think choice comes in really.......or willingness.........or something to that effect.  That I can be as well as I decide on any given day.  Sometimes I change my attitude a couple of times a day if need be.

 

And no,  I'm not perfect at it.  And went to tears yesterday at one point, while feeling misunderstood.  Sure, it was embarassing.  It definitely was not the end of my world, or hope, or sheer joy at being where I am today, as far as well being........and sanity............and security even for that matter.

 

And sure, I have experienced some of those symptoms of speech and getting thoughts into words.  I do word games........crosswords and WWF and write alot.  I use cursive.  And did have a time when I could not write in cursive at all..........way back though........I think that was in the days of my being medicated and early W/D both.  And movement helps a ton........for me, and I think for most..........in staying very mindful of the moment..........getting out of the head so to speak........and into the now. 

 

I'd suggest prioritizing your sleep if that is going well........just making sure you get enough.  And being patient and kind with yourself.

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

manymoretodays

 

[NewMorning]

Thank you so much manymoretodays. It's really comforting to know that it does get better. I know on some days it's worse than on others, so hopefully one day I eventually start having more good days than bad. On a different note, I actually did have what might be considered a 'window' day last Friday, which is exciting. I have some thoughts on that subject, but either way I felt somewhat normal for a lot of the day, optimistic about the future, and had some waves of happy excitement. It came crashing down intensely the next day for really no reason, but it's good news I think. Maybe it was combination of a bunch of factors coming together, but either way:)

Also, regarding sleep, my sleep is pretty amazing lately, over the past few months (which is a blessing I guess), and I do for sure get enough. It's good and bad, because it's tempting to use it as a way to turn my brain off, and I'm really able to sleep pretty quickly without much trouble. And then I end up feeling guilty if I sleep too much. But aanyways. Thanks again!

[Miracle123]

Hi Newmorning, just wanna to know how r you been recently? Are you getting more improvement or get better over times passed. I hope you are well and more window. Take care.

 

[NewMorning]

   So I wanted to write a little update on myself, because I have some time, and maybe it's good to keep a record of these things... or maybe it's just to vent.

 

   I've now been off SSRIs for a couple days past 1 year and 4 months. And I have to say, I've never felt worse in my entire life. I no longer 'blame' or attribute any part of my mental condition to SSRIs, or my history with them, I'm only aware of the fact that I'm an extremely 'sensitive' person neurologically... I've just been wired to be unbelievable emotionally fragile. It runs in my family. My mother's side of the family are all completely 'bonkers' in their own way, and I mean that kindly, they're all very interesting people. I just happened to get a very very healthy dose of that gene. But I believe that throughout my time on SSRIs, they kind of provided a barrier to extreme emotional sensitivity, for better or for worse. And then over time they seem to go too far the other way, which is probably why many people experience emotional numbness. It's too bad there seems to be no middle ground. But at least throughout my 20s and early 30s (on medication), I was quite a functional 'normal-ish' person. I had many jobs, traveled, had some great loves, was inspired, created things... and it all trickled out, coinciding with the taper of medication around 32 years old. I'm sure a lot of people go through a life transition at this point anyway: the excitement and naivety of youth has died away, friends start having children and you see them less and less, you begin to feel mortality etc. So maybe it's a complete coincidence.

 

   But every day has become a struggle to get through to the next. I've become nearly dysfunctional, and a lot of my conscious thought is spent wondering what I must be doing wrong. I've got to be going about this life thing wrong, because it doesn't seem so difficult to (most) other people. Or is everyone else out there suffering dreadfully, just some are better at burying it, and keeping silent?

 

   I do have moments here or there where I 'appreciate' the way I am, but maybe it's a self preservation technique to try to convince myself it isn't all so bad. I sometimes think that such constant darkness can make one more empathetic to others, and to other people's suffering. That maybe it makes writing music more interesting, providing immediacy to words, as opposed to a numb contentment, who wants to hear about that? But I almost never feel 'inspired' to write anymore, I only do it because it's what I've always done, and I want to want to make music. Almost everything feels like a dark chore, like everything I do is in spite of itself, a forced, exhausting exercise, instead of a nice flow.

 

   And still one of the hardest parts, is I still find it impossible to comprehend a future. The future only looks dark, and black, and it makes any type of planning ahead, or any work I do in the present moment, very difficult. And seemingly meaningless. I can intellectually tell myself 'this won't last forever, thoughts and people change', but spiritually deep down I can only feel things getting worse and worse. I don't feel completely comfortable writing this, but it feels like a matter of time before it gets bad enough, that I'll choose to not be around... which is sad because I want to live life. I wish I could be happy, or at least suffer less. I've made a commitment not to do that, but I guess I'm afraid of the future me. I wish that was never an option for humans. Maybe in extreme, terminal circumstances.

 

   I sometimes think, that I think too much about my mental health, about myself, and my place in the world. I can't get out of my own head, and focus on other people, and forget about myself. I think too much about what it takes to be happy, what things people are doing that seem to work for them. Maybe I need to try to forget about the 'ego', and work on getting lost in the flow of life... I'm not sure how to do that though. I'm sure it involves volunteering, joining communities, things that feel very difficult for me. But I'm sure would be worth it in the end.

 

   But anyways that's it for now. I'm meeting with a psychologist twice a month which seems to help at least for a few days following each session, and hopefully over time could make progress. I'm not sure she's great though, there are never any 'break-through's' or really any helpful tricks to make progress. It's only the therapeutic effect of venting thoughts to another person. Maybe I should try some other people, and hope for that magical connection. I'm booked to see a psychiatrist in July, so we'll see how that goes. I suppose apart from that I'm mostly hoping I'll simply get better with time, or that if I keep working on creative endeavors, that I'll hit some kind of stride, and feel some contentment.

 

   Good luck to everyone out there, I hope you're able to find some joy and peace:)

 

[FarmGirlWorks]

1 hour ago, NewMorning said:

I suppose apart from that I'm mostly hoping I'll simply get better with time, or that if I keep working on creative endeavors, that I'll hit some kind of stride, and feel some contentment.

Thanks for the articulate explanation of how you feel. I hear you and just a few months behind you. That last bit resonated with me as I "do" creative things and feel no joy but hope, by continuing, I will in the future. And yes, everything else feels like a "dark chore." Yes. But I am trusting the success stories and healing happens. In the meantime, finding non-drug coping skills so life may be improved in the future...

[NewMorning]

Hi FarmGirlWorks. Ya it's a tricky road. Sending positive vibes your way:)

[Miracle123]

Hi Newmorning,  i m glad and happy to hear about your latest updated. Positive attitue and always forgive yourself or dont think too much for everything weather you are on or off medicine is only way to release your tension mind and soul. Sound you over distress yourself, I feel you over probia , fear and scared will made you feel more worsed and living in dark. Trying to relax and do more meditation. Hang out and social with people also can help you , but you have to step out first maybe do some volunteer or part time jobs. I know is not easy but you have to acceptance everything because life still goes on but choose to lived more meaningful and joyful. I also feel hopeless too but i always not give up my hope and believe we will recovered back to normal one day. I hope you stay on positive, happy and well. 

 

Warmest regards,

Miracle

 

 

 

[NewMorning]

Thank you very much Miracle123 for your nice words:) I was meditating for a while, I went on a streak of about 2 months every day, and I started to feel frustrated about it. It felt like it was doing absolutely nothing for me, and I started to feel like it's a pseudo-scientific, new-agey buzz practice that people love to talk about, but really doesn't do much. At least that was my feeling at the time, I was hoping for some kind of stark noticeable change. I know there is some science there, some people absolutely swear by it, and I would like to try again at sticking with it. I was using the Headspace app, maybe it isn't the best way to do it... I do like the idea of being 'present' and mindful that your thoughts are just thoughts, and I try to stay in that mindset.

 

FarmGirlWorks, I was wondering if I could ask you your opinion. Because this is a question I always ask myself, and I know there can never be an answer, but it's one I would love to know. Do you believe your current mental state is in some large part due to your history with medication? I don't know if that's too personal, and opinions can be polarizing on these things... not necessarily on this site... 

 

I'm certain, and know first hand that withdrawal is horrifying and brutal, but I believe all of that is done for me. And I really no longer feel that my current consciousness has much to do with taking medication over those years. My brain is just baseline wired to feel like garbage. Or maybe just my situation life didn't end up meeting some expectation I set up in youth, and that's the root of it all. I dunno, enough rambling for me:)

 

 

 

 

 

 

[NewMorning]

Hello All...

 

I wanted to ask a question, and I know this is a bit like a broken record, and there's no way of knowing. But maybe just some opinions would be very helpful to me right now...

 

It's now been almost a year a 5 months since stopping medication, and I'm doing much much worse than I ever have in my life. So I'm wondering if it's rational for me to be thinking that I'm still 'healing' from the long term drug use, or if this is now just a traditional story of non-drug battling with depression (and a whole list of other psychological things). That distinction is really important for me, and I think would give me a massive amount of strength and hope to continue, if simply through the passing of time, that I might begin to feel better. I guess maybe I'm fishing for a reassuring opinion like: '1.5 years isn't very long, it's very likely you're still healing, and will begin to feel better with the passing of time'...

 

I do feel like I'm doing everything under the sun that I can think of to help myself to improve, but I seem to only be getting worse. Maybe I'm just having an existential 'mid-life' crisis at the age of 35, that was spurred on from coming off those drugs.

 

Anyways, thanks in advance, sending out well wishes for peace and healing.

[NewMorning]

I am really not doing well lately. I'm really starting to wonder the point of being around. I feel like I'm in a horrible nightmare. I can't fathom that time could heal my mental state. I'm broken, and life has become a really cruel, messed up endurance test... what a dark, dark mess...

[Miracle123]

1 hour ago, NewMorning said:

I am really not doing well lately. I'm really starting to wonder the point of being around. I feel like I'm in a horrible nightmare. I can't fathom that time could heal my mental state. I'm broken, and life has become a really cruel, messed up endurance test... what a dark, dark mess...

Hi Newmorning, i just wonder what happening to you. Are you really in a very stressful level? Sometimes when we over stress our life really make our withdrawal even worsed and more complicated. Please trying to relax by doing your favourite tasks to keep yourself busy and dont over thinking negative or darkness. Hope your emotional will get better sonnest.Hugs and take care.

[NewMorning]

Thanks Miracle123, those are nice words, I really appreciate that. You sound like a very kind person:) No, my stress levels are pretty normal overall, I've slipped into a life where I need to avoid most stress out of necessity. My finances are freaking me out though, so I'm going to have to make a move soon, I suppose back into working full time, somehow. I think I'm just hitting new psychological rock bottoms every day, and I'm really, really tired. My mind literally cannot fathom ever getting better (as defeatist as that is), and I feel like I'm in a race with death, and it's steadily catching up on me. I'm trying to battle to stay ahead, but it keeps making pace.

 

My new psychologist is really intelligent, but it has been absolutely no help overall. He's very kind, and a good person. I generally feel slightly hopeful after leaving there for a few hours, and it's right back. I feel like the modern psychology is all about mindfulness, trying to detach from the ego. But for me, I can be mindful all day, but it doesn't help the emotional pain. It's like someone is dying from a knife wound, and trying to have them perfect separating their mind from the pain, but really the wound needs to be taken care of first.

 

I'm also isolating a lot, which I think is really bad for me. But I feel like such garbage about myself, I wouldn't want to impose my dreariness and social incompetence on anyone else. I'm not sure how a life on a trajectory downward, can ever start to go the other way... literally what step needs to happen for that to take place... I sometimes wish someone would just beat the s%$@ out of me, and maybe once I pulled myself up off the floor, I would have a new perspective on life...

 

I guess one day at a time is the best advice. I'm sorry this is all so pessimistic, my lens is very much broken. I hope others are feeling better, and are working towards healing:)

[wantrelief]

1 hour ago, NewMorning said:

I think I'm just hitting new psychological rock bottoms every day, and I'm really, really tired. My mind literally cannot fathom ever getting better (as defeatist as that is)

Hi NewMorning - I have read your posts and really relate to a lot of what you write (you are a great writer, by the way!).  In my opinion, what you are experiencing is related to withdrawal.  I have the same struggles and it is really really hard to feel like it will get any better.  I feel pessimistic a lot of the time too but I think that is a withdrawal symptom as well.  Not to mention it is difficult to feel positive when your mind is in a complete uproar. It is, as you said earlier, an endurance test and so exhausting. Just keep trying, as you say, one day at a time....that is all we can do. I think we will get better, it just takes an extraordinary amount of time. 

[FarmGirlWorks]

4 hours ago, NewMorning said:

I feel like I'm in a race with death, and it's steadily catching up on me.... I'm also isolating a lot, which I think is really bad for me. But I feel like such garbage about myself, I wouldn't want to impose my dreariness and social incompetence on anyone else. I'm not sure how a life on a trajectory downward, can ever start to go the other way... literally what step needs to happen for that to take place...

Totally, totally relate. And I never felt this way before so I believe -- for both of us -- that this is withdrawal. And it sucks for a long, long time and we have reserves of strength we never knew we had. I wish I could make it feel better for you, for all of us. But know that you are not alone.

[Miracle123]

6 hours ago, NewMorning said:

 My mind literally cannot fathom ever getting better (as defeatist as that is), and I feel like I'm in a race with death, and it's steadily catching up on me. I'm trying to battle to stay ahead, but it keeps making pace.

 

My new psychologist is really intelligent, but it has been absolutely no help overall. 

im understand and feel your suferring. Im still dealing with badly waves and sometimes think that i loss hope of recovery too. Maybe still too early to judge and comment anything (9mth off lexapro) At least im glad you know well how to managed your stress and find the alternative way out from darkness. This is cause of withdrawals to proof that our brain and nerves keep repeating reboost and really take very long time to healing with super slow progress. Patience, Acceptance and Times is the only way out. This is very hard and painful process but worth it for freedom and well being. Take care. 

 

[NewMorning]

Thank you so much everyone, that really means a lot to me. Kind of teared up there, which is not unusual of course. I think you're right... I need to try to stop blaming and berating myself for failing to stack up with 'the rest' right now, try to be more kind and forgiving to myself, and give it a lot more time. I feel a bit hopeful today actually, so thank you for that:)

[Wwaterboy]

NewMorning,

 

I'm in the same boat as you. I took Paxil for like 18 years. I'm also 35. Just wanted to give a shout out. I'm 4 months off. It's been hell.

[direstraits]

Hi New Morning,

I've read some of your recent posts and just wanted to say that you're still at a very difficult point in your recovery, around 18 months seems to be a rough time for many on here.

 

please try to be patient and find ways to distract yourself as much as possible,it will get better.

 

you're only 35,you have your whole life ahead of you...I'm 63 and have been dealing with this for over 4 years and it IS getting better but it probably won't take as long for you cuz you're young.

 

this is a hellish condition but if I can get through it you can too.....we're stronger than we think.

 

wishing you all the best.

ds ❤️

 

 

[NewMorning]

Hi Wwaterboy. Sending out positive vibes your way. It's definitely not an easy road, but I believe will be very much worth it in the end, and I'm learning a ton of interesting things about myself, and about life. I hope to make it through stronger on the other side...

 

direstraits thank you very much for your nice words, it means a lot. It's difficult to feel a life ahead of me most times, but I do have to remind myself that I won't always feel this way, and keep pushing on.

 

Take care:)

 

 

[Tarheel109]

Wow... I’m truly impressed by your writing abilities... You could write a blog! I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. I’ll be honest that it is a fear of mine that I will be in the same situation. I guess there really are no answers when it comes to our brains. I’m doing the slow taper thing and as much as I’d like to attribute these terrible feelings I have to discontinuation, I’m starting to think that maybe this is just me. Let’s hope we’re wrong...