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NewMorning: My journey


NewMorning

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Hi NewMorning, How are you? I hope you are doing better and withdrawal will ease you a bit better. Take care.

 

 

Mid December 16 lorezapam 1mg and lexapro 5mg

Early April17 updosed lorezapam 2mg, mid Apr17 taper 1.5mg, mid May17-1.25mg, early Jun17- 1mg, mid Jun17-0.75mg, mid July17-0.5mg, End July 17 reduce from 0.4mg, 0.3mg,0.2mg until 0.1mg.lorezapam free on 9 August 2017.

Early Mar17 updosed to Lexapro 10mg , end Mar17 reduced 7.5mg, mid May17 reduced 0.5mg, End Aug17 reduced 2.5mg, early Sep17 -1.5mg, Mid Sept-1mg, End Sept - 0.5mg .lexapro free on 26 September 2017

 

Supplement- omega fish oil and magnesium citrate only.

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Thanks very much, I appreciate that.

 

So I just finished an anger fueled run (exercise invokes a strange motivational anger for me sometimes, for some reason) wanting to jump in front of cars, and I had some thoughts about living for a long period on psychotropic drugs, and then coming off. And maybe this is obvious to a lot of people anyway, but I feel like there might be a lot of truth to it:

 

Whether the period living on drugs affect you positively or not, I think it's very clear that for many people, the tapering period, and definitely the year or so after stopping, is a period of very strong neuro-emotional darkness, and chemically life looks and feels very bleak. And thought patterns in the brain are much like ski tracks, once they're worn in, it's easy for the mind to stay there, and it's difficult to break out. It's an immediate imposed blackness to all of life. Then behavioral patterns start to change as a result, one is unable to function properly at work, relationships break down, and you start to believe all the things your disillusioned mind is telling you. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Not at all because of a chemical 'withdrawal' (though at first I'm sure that's true), but just a period of maybe one or two years of mandatory pain, long enough to create deep deep treads in the mind, so that crawling out is so incredibly hard. Kind of like a car battery, once it's fully drained, it's difficult to bring it back to life. You see behind the veil, and you can't un-know what you saw there.

 

My neuro-chemical withdrawal symptoms are pretty much all gone (I guess that's the good news, those terrible symptoms eventually do go away), but for me personally, I'm left with an incredibly bleak mental state, that I can't seem to break out of. Add to that, it's an incredibly depressing world for even the most optimistic, neuro-typical people. And hope does not exist for me. The only thing I can possibly fathom for the future, is more of the same, more darkness. Which makes it incredibly hard to conjure the energy and drive to really better my life, pull myself out of this dark hole. Then society's answer to this: drugs. Which is why I guess many people stay on the merry-go-round for life. Then again, maybe they're right, I'm just naturally 'depressed', and drugs actually the lifeline that can keep one going. And my anxiety itself is the thing keeping me from taking something that would actually help me live a better, more fulfilling life. Ahh, such fun.

 

 

2000 - 2011 - 20mg Paxil (with many short failed stints each year of trying to discontinue)

2011 - 2013 - 10mg Cipralex (doctor's recommendation due to severe fatigue)

2013 - 2015 - 5mg Cipralex (managed to taper down slowly, but had to hold at 5mg)

2015 - 2016 - Bounced back and forth from 2.5mg to 5mg depending on coping strength

January 21st, 2017 - 100% SSRI free

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I'm really breaking down, I don't get any joy from life anymore. Or even relief from constant angst. My whole body, my subconscious, doesn't want to continue living. Is it a lie that I'll eventually wake up from? I'm only hoping that one day I will appreciate the fact that I continued on, and find some meaning, or contentment, or joy down the road. As they say it's the permanent solution to a temporary problem. But what if it's not temporary? Is it worth it to scrape and drag through each day, to make it to the next, to do the same, and on and on? Am I just doing life wrong? Is there something I'm missing, or some choices I could be making that I'm stubbornly not? Is it just a natural transition one makes when you hit your mid 30s? All the hope and idealism from youth fades to the dark reality, and you start to shut down, retreat internally, and wait out the end? Is my attitude just garbage? How do you get a new one? Do I need to find god? Or just start walking, abandon my belongings, go on a pilgrimage and see where I end up? I'm so tired, but not the good tired, that doctors and nurses get from 12 hours of helping people. Maybe I need to live for other people somehow, in whatever way I can. Sorry for the negativity, I think I needed to vent.

2000 - 2011 - 20mg Paxil (with many short failed stints each year of trying to discontinue)

2011 - 2013 - 10mg Cipralex (doctor's recommendation due to severe fatigue)

2013 - 2015 - 5mg Cipralex (managed to taper down slowly, but had to hold at 5mg)

2015 - 2016 - Bounced back and forth from 2.5mg to 5mg depending on coping strength

January 21st, 2017 - 100% SSRI free

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Oh New Morning I relate to much of what you are saying.  I do think this is withdrawal talking.  Hang on, New Morning....how you are feeling now will not always be so.

-1/06 - 3/07 Cymbalta. Fast taper (essentially CT); withdrawal symptoms after 4 mos (didn't realize was WD)

-10/07: 100 mg Zoloft; 1 mg Klonopin - tapered off Klonopin after 4 mos. Several unsuccessful slow tapers of Zoloft; went up and down in dose a lot

-Spring 2013 back on 1 mg Klonopin to counter WD symptoms; switched over 5-6 mos from Zoloft to 35 mg citalopram
-Two attempts at slow tapering citalopram, always increased dose due to WD; also increased Klonopin to 1.25 mg in 2014, then to 1.5 mg in 2015

-8/17-9/17: After holding one year at 20 mg, feeling withdrawal symptoms due to stress - slowly increased to 25 mg. No change in symptoms after 6 months (? tolerance ?)  - decided to start citalopram taper February 2018 (still on Klonopin 1.5 mg).

Supplements: fish oil; magnesium; vitamin D3; curcumin

Citalopram taper:  2/2018 - 12/2019: 25 mg - 11.03 mg I 2020: 10.89 mg - 7.9 mg I 2021: 7.8 mg - 5.26 mg I 2022: 5.2 mg - 3.36 mg I 2023: 3.3 mg - 1.47 mg 2024: 1/5/24: 1.44 mg; 1/19/24: 1.40 mg; 1/26/24: 1.37 mg; 2/2/24: 1.34 mg; 2/9/24: 1.31 mg; 2/23/24: 1.28 mg; 3/1/24: 1.25 mg; 3/8/24: 1.22 mg; 3/15/24: 1.19 mg

 

 

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Hi NewMorning, I think this is a dark depreassion of feeling hopeless and not meaningful. Even though myself sometimes also got such a feeling too. This is withdrawals. Remember the pattern of window and waves will repeating keeping coming same as emotional moody but the frequency and magnitute slowly getting lesser and lesser by time. Accaptance , patience and only time is key of your sucessful . Hang in there. Find something to distract yourself for thinking too much. Doing your flavourite stuffs or hang out with friends to keep yourself busy.Dont stay too long into darkness.....your emotional and moody will getting even worse. Im not a good writer but hope i can help you a bit. Take care and sending my hugs to you.🤗

 

Mid December 16 lorezapam 1mg and lexapro 5mg

Early April17 updosed lorezapam 2mg, mid Apr17 taper 1.5mg, mid May17-1.25mg, early Jun17- 1mg, mid Jun17-0.75mg, mid July17-0.5mg, End July 17 reduce from 0.4mg, 0.3mg,0.2mg until 0.1mg.lorezapam free on 9 August 2017.

Early Mar17 updosed to Lexapro 10mg , end Mar17 reduced 7.5mg, mid May17 reduced 0.5mg, End Aug17 reduced 2.5mg, early Sep17 -1.5mg, Mid Sept-1mg, End Sept - 0.5mg .lexapro free on 26 September 2017

 

Supplement- omega fish oil and magnesium citrate only.

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  • 1 month later...

I just wanted to post a quick update on how I'm doing, I haven't posted in a long while. I was briefly looking through the success stories for some potential hope, and came across 'Alua's post of 8 people she/he knew of who seem to all have recovered from antidepressants and are now doing fantastic. It kind of feels more depressing to me, because I'm around one year and 10 months, and I'm doing horribly. I no longer think of myself as someone going through 'protracted withdrawal' however, just someone who was once on them for a long time, and now can barely cope with life. I feel that I'm genetically incredibly fragile, and most things that seem normal to someone else, are intensely painful for me.

 

A couple things that have been incredibly challenging for late are 1) an extremely low 'stress tolerance', and 2) what I guess people call 'anhedonia'. Obviously among a million other psychological struggles, but these two seem to contribute to a feedback loop of difficulties, in moving my life toward a better place. I'm finding it insanely difficult to do the basic requirements to finance my life. Which puts me in a spiral of feeling like a complete waste of human garbage, and endlessly wondering why I can't just be like 'normal people'. I may have written this here before, but I feel like my whole mind, body, and spirit, have a massive sunburn, which permeates all of life, making every thing feel just awful. Like someone took 'human spirit', and pummeled the hell out of it, leaving it a feeble mess on the floor, then spat on it.

 

Any doctor on the planet, would look at me and my life and say: 'man, get yourself on some medication, for the love of god'.

 

And around 2 months ago, after a series of horrible panic attacks, and intense endless heart palpitations, I finally decided it was either try medication again, or I might not make it. I was given 25mg of zoloft. And I swallowed one a day for 6 days, progressively feeling more awful, and bringing back old familiar brain zaps, cloudiness, and just generally feeling drugged. I also felt much less 'intelligent', like I lost my words, and felt even more uncomfortable in social situations. Basically my head was swimming so much, that I could barely think. After 6 days, I decided the experiment was off, that I couldn't continue.

 

Following that (after about the 2nd day), strangely I felt really quite well for around 2 weeks. It was a rare 'window' where I felt somewhat okay. And when I try to break that down, I think it was because for a long time, I thought maybe after being on drugs for so long, that now I 'needed to be on them', and that possibly they became a key molecule in me living a normal life. But after rediscovering how truly awful they make me feel, I realized there was nothing else in this world I needed to put in my body to be happy, or to function. It was all within me. So that illusion of 'needing to be medicated' was smashed. I was free to get on with healing naturally.

 

But that didn't last, and now I'm back to the familiar dysfunctionality. Although if I truly break it down, I'm much happier with how my mind works now, over any of the withdrawal process. That was obviously pure psychological torture, which I'm thankfully not in now. And I'm more content with my mind than most of the time on medication. I feel more real. It's just that I seem to be as emotionally fragile as a paper thin pane of glass. And at this point I'm not sure it well ever get better. I'm now looking at ways to cope with life, outside of what a normal life might look like. And at some point in the future, hopefully that could be a tiny home, somewhere in the woods among nature, with a dog, and a little recording studio, where I can try to live as self sustainably as possible, read a lot, have a garden, play music, take naps, and live more within the rhythms of nature. I'm tired of the 'normal' picture of 'success'. But we'll see what the future has in store. At the very least, I continue to slog it through each day.

2000 - 2011 - 20mg Paxil (with many short failed stints each year of trying to discontinue)

2011 - 2013 - 10mg Cipralex (doctor's recommendation due to severe fatigue)

2013 - 2015 - 5mg Cipralex (managed to taper down slowly, but had to hold at 5mg)

2015 - 2016 - Bounced back and forth from 2.5mg to 5mg depending on coping strength

January 21st, 2017 - 100% SSRI free

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I wanted to briefly ask the community, if anyone has dealt with this specific issue, because I'm really feeling like garbage lately...

 

Since coming off of SSRIs, my mindset and stress tolerance has been incredibly fragile. And I was able over the last winter and spring to work for my father's company, and avoid really anything in the work day that would break me down. Although I did break down a lot anyway. But he completely understood and was sympathetic to my situation. I probably would have been fired, if it were any other job.

 

But that situation ended, and since about May I have had to find ways to financially support myself in a very expensive city, completely alone, and with a brain not cut out for this world... I started a new job in September, and I had to quit after two weeks, because I simply couldn't hand it. I broke down. It's like the whole world is way too stimulating, every single thing is overwhelming... And then I beat the **** out of myself, because I should be able to support myself. And it's not the 'work', I enjoy work, when I'm home I'm constantly working on art and personal projects. I run and work out every day. I don't like the stigma of being 'lazy'. I don't ever want to feel lazy, it's the last thing I would ever want. Yet I wonder why I can't just 'contribute' like everyone else.

 

Which often brings me back to the dilemma, if drugs, although clearly horrible in nearly every way, can numb the mind down enough to allow me to get to and from a job daily without breaking down, and literally help me feed myself and help me pay my bills so that I don't end up on the street, isn't that a very viable option? I feel like I'm stuck, and neither option feels very good. Meanwhile I'm losing my apartment, can barely feed myself, and I'm very very alone. Maybe I'm doomed to have a numbed out mind, devoid of emotion, and just get to and from my job each day. Or maybe I need to fight harder. Break through the darkness with whatever I have. Wake up, start kicking and fighting through the pain, go to sleep, do it all again.

 

Has anyone else dealt with difficulties maintaining a steady financial life after discontinuing SSRIs?

2000 - 2011 - 20mg Paxil (with many short failed stints each year of trying to discontinue)

2011 - 2013 - 10mg Cipralex (doctor's recommendation due to severe fatigue)

2013 - 2015 - 5mg Cipralex (managed to taper down slowly, but had to hold at 5mg)

2015 - 2016 - Bounced back and forth from 2.5mg to 5mg depending on coping strength

January 21st, 2017 - 100% SSRI free

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  • Administrator

First, please stop being mean to yourself.

 

How are you sleeping? Do you find light or sound to be overstimulating? Your dream of living in the woods suggests you want a low-stimulation environment.

 

On 10/14/2018 at 3:35 PM, NewMorning said:

Following that (after about the 2nd day), strangely I felt really quite well for around 2 weeks. It was a rare 'window' where I felt somewhat okay.

 

You still had a little SSRI in your system, as the Zoloft wore off. 25mg was way too much. Do you think you might want to try perhaps 0.25mg-0.5mg Prozac for a while?

 

Please don't blame yourself for post-acute withdrawal syndrome. You were on the drugs for a long time.  You're really only recently off them.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Thanks very much for the reply Alto. I will really try to stop being mean to myself, I'm going to work hard on that.

 

My sleep is actually really great for the most part, which I'm very grateful for. My mind generally feels at peace during sleep, unless there is something stressful the next day, then it feels like I ruminate on that, even during sleep. I have always been the type to be able to fall asleep almost immediately. In fact on SSRIs (especially paxil), I was incredibly sleepy all the time, and I would oversleep constantly. I'm pretty good since being off SSRIs, at sleeping only 8 hours... which is a huge huge benefit to not being on them...

 

I do very much appreciate dim, low light. I was extremely sensitive to light when withdrawing, but that has faded a lot. For a long time I needed visine every day, because my eyes felt dry and sensitive. I do appreciate a bright sunny day though, but can't stand bright artificial light. And I am very sensitive to noises. For a long while, I could only listen to nature sounds, jazz music, and 'meditation' type music, but I'm getting more tolerable to things I used to listen to, especially when running. But sudden noises freak me out, and I'm extremely jumpy. It happens all the time. I do feel extremely sensitive in almost every way. But I know for some people it's worse, and I can be grateful for what I do have.

 

But I have thought of living somewhat self sustainably in the 'woods' for a long while, it's been a dream even when I was younger. Try to limit my environmental impact, live more in tune with nature, and hopefully spend lots of time creating.

 

Regarding a small dose (0.25-0.5) of prozac for while, I would be open to the idea. Maybe I'll spend some time researching that. I think I have always guessed that a very small dose wouldn't be enough to allow any 'benefits', but would still just be there lingering in the system. But you're right, maybe that was a reason for that period of relief, and hope even. I will think about that.

 

Thank you very much for your words, I honestly really appreciate it. It's difficult for me sometimes to comprehend the big picture, to keep faith in the timeline, and it helps to have encouragement from someone who has seen and experienced so much.

 

 

2000 - 2011 - 20mg Paxil (with many short failed stints each year of trying to discontinue)

2011 - 2013 - 10mg Cipralex (doctor's recommendation due to severe fatigue)

2013 - 2015 - 5mg Cipralex (managed to taper down slowly, but had to hold at 5mg)

2015 - 2016 - Bounced back and forth from 2.5mg to 5mg depending on coping strength

January 21st, 2017 - 100% SSRI free

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  • 2 months later...

I just wanted to post a little update on myself, in case my whole story ends up being relatable to anyone else, and really just to keep a record of my process.

 

So I'm coming up on two years off of SSRIs (on this coming January 23rd. I plan to do a full update then), and I honestly feel very much like I did around this time last year. I had hoped that I would slowly be making progress in my life, slowly learning how to live contently without medication, but I'm still doing very very poorly. I am by far worse off than anyone in my life that I'm aware of, which is of course subjective, but I'm sure veeery accurate. And I have more or less isolated myself from everyone, in order to avoid imposing my energy on anyone else. I've slowly let go of basically every single friendship in my life, and I'm living very very low. I think a lot of it, is I'm actually embarrassed of my life, and don't want anyone to know how I'm doing.

 

I think life is insanely, unbelievably, utterly difficult, sad, and nearly always unbearable, and they don't tell you that when you're growing up. I managed to live quite a few content years in my 20s and early 30s, and it's like that was a distant dream, someone else's life. Clearly SSRIs have a lot of ugly side effects, but I often wonder if demonizing them is potentially harmful as well. Sometime life just IS a slow, dreadful drag through uglyness and darkness, with the weight of the world pulling down on you, and if a drug can give you a slight edge, maybe that can be worth it, or at the very least is worth discussing.

 

I'm definitely at the lowest point I have ever been in my life mentally, and I'm sure objectively too, if anyone were to analyze my life. I find it incredibly difficult to perceive how I will dig myself out of this mess. Waiting for time to pass does not seem like a very good option. But I don't intend in any way to complain, only to try to honestly document how I feel, and maybe sometimes it feels good to vent. But I haven't given up hope, I'm still working towards progress, and hopefully I can find the light out there one day soon.

2000 - 2011 - 20mg Paxil (with many short failed stints each year of trying to discontinue)

2011 - 2013 - 10mg Cipralex (doctor's recommendation due to severe fatigue)

2013 - 2015 - 5mg Cipralex (managed to taper down slowly, but had to hold at 5mg)

2015 - 2016 - Bounced back and forth from 2.5mg to 5mg depending on coping strength

January 21st, 2017 - 100% SSRI free

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On 12/30/2018 at 9:16 PM, NewMorning said:

Sometime life just IS a slow, dreadful drag through uglyness and darkness, with the weight of the world pulling down on you, and if a drug can give you a slight edge, maybe that can be worth it, or at the very least is worth discussing. 

 

Hi, NewMorning. Buddhists and existentialists would say you have it right. Up to you to decide if you want that "edge."

 

Are you taking fish oil and magnesium supplements? See
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

http://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

A lot of people find them helpful. Try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you.

 

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

When I read your posts I get an impression that you don't think and believe that the way you are feeling and functioning now is a temporary stage caused by an iatrogenic injury but who you really are without drugs and who you will be from now on. Temporary even if it takes years as it usually does. 2 years is still quite early. 

 

It is very unfair on you to compare yourself to other people around you and their level of functioning. It's as if you tried running a marathon with a broken leg and agonized about all other runners doing so much better than you. 

 

Given that recovery takes so very long it is easy to overlook small signs of improvement or be grateful for things that are working for us like the fact your sleep is good. While not being able to work is horrible some people are still housebound at 2 years off. Are there maybe any opportunities for a part time job or something like that?

 

Despite not feeling that way you have actually done great and I hope you begin to feel and see recovery in more palpable ways soon. When I get to my laptop I'll post what Shep wrote to me and what became extremely important on this stretch of my journey (in the 5th year of tapering and struggling and all the ensuing battle fatigue).

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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  • Moderator Emeritus
27 minutes ago, bubble said:

Given that recovery takes so very long it is easy to overlook small signs of improvement

 

I think we fall into the trap of comparing how we feel now with how we felt when we were feeling our best.

 

It is better to compare how we are currently feeling to how we felt out our worst.

* NO LONGER ACTIVE on SA *

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED:  (6 year taper)      0mg Pristiq  on 13th November 2021

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering from Oct 2015 - 13 Nov 2021   LAST DOSE 0.0025mg

Post 0 updates start here    My tapering program     My Intro (goes to tapering graph)

 VIDEO:   Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management

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Thank you very much for your replies, I appreciate your guys' thoughts and experience.

 

I was taking fish oil for a long time during withdrawal, and afterwards, maybe for a year and a half, but I ran out a few months ago, and just didn't happen to get more. I honestly didn't feel as if it was doing anything for me at all, although I don't mind taking them, and I couldn't imagine it would be doing any harm. I got a new supply today though, and I'll continue. Magnesium I have tried a few times on the recommendations here, but each time I tried it, my heart palpitations seemed to get much worse. I'm not sure if it was just coincidence, or what it was, but it didn't ever make me feel very well.

 

I have found through all of this, that running and general physical health has had the biggest benefit for me. I took up running when I started to taper a few years ago, and then started doing it every day during the intense withdrawals. And now I really enjoy it and run for a vigorous 30 minutes every day, which is really the most mentally healthy and positive 30 minutes of my day, on most days.

 

In response to bubble: I personally believe that mental health is such a strange, fragile, and very individualistic thing, a complex combination of hereditary biological factors, and life events and experience, that really no one has any definitive, concrete, scientific, rock solid thoughts on a 'correct' way to manage it. It's just impossible at this point in human history, there are only opinions, fueled by individual experience, education, anecdotal stories: and whatever one's opinion on psychopharmacology, I don't believe anyone can currently say that it's the correct, or definitive one. There's no question that withdrawal can be (I'm sure most often is) horrifying, and sometimes deadly, and that side effects of being on medication are terrible, and potentially worse than the original thing you're hoping to address. But if a person takes all of that into account, and can weigh it against the psychological experience of non-pharmaceutical living, it's possible that person could find the choice of taking medication more appealing. Of course they usually stop working so well eventually, and who knows what damage they do in the long term. But anyways, I'm always just frustrated on how divisive thoughts on medication/non-medication seem to be depending on who you're talking to, and I'm pretty sure it's because there IS no answer (yet). I'm personally skeptical on the idea of a deliberately evil pharmaceutical industry, I think there are mainly well meaning scientists and chemists, and then dirty capitalists trying to milk as much as possible from it. I think there's a lot of incentive for people to have manipulated research studies, but it isn't to say that what they have discovered can't be helpful in some way, just that it rewards having as many people as possible purchasing it.

 

I personally don't believe that my current mental state is a result of all those years of medication. I'm sure it has affected my life in a huge way, but I'm not of the belief that I have an 'impaired' mind, that has been damaged by the use of SSRIs. I'm completely open to the idea of being wrong, I think it's basically just as likely, it just doesn't happen to feel like the rational conclusion for me. I would love to think that my mind will just naturally heal from the passing of time, but I think a more realistic outlook, would be that I can slowly learn to find new ways of coping, to become settled in with my 'biological' lens on life, and find some small amounts of stability. Chip away at the things I would like to get out of life, while battling an irrational mind that is constantly demeaning, exhausted, and tends not to work in my best interests. And maybe out of all of it, I'll discover something, or have some kind of deep realization that only could have come through years of suffering, and isolation. Or maybe I'm just trudging through a stunted life, the only one I'll ever have, when a gross little pill with some unwelcome side effects could help me discover a lot more. 

 

I'm still working on improving my life so that I can live contentedly drug free, that's what I would really like. I hate the idea of medication. But I do know definitively that I was by far more functional, had much much more social connection, had great loves, played music, toured the country, had jobs, homes, laughed, all throughout those years on medication. So I'm not sure what that says. Anyways. It's sunny out today finally, and that's nice.

2000 - 2011 - 20mg Paxil (with many short failed stints each year of trying to discontinue)

2011 - 2013 - 10mg Cipralex (doctor's recommendation due to severe fatigue)

2013 - 2015 - 5mg Cipralex (managed to taper down slowly, but had to hold at 5mg)

2015 - 2016 - Bounced back and forth from 2.5mg to 5mg depending on coping strength

January 21st, 2017 - 100% SSRI free

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