kangamangus: Coming off Zoloft after 9 years

[kangamangus]

9 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

Thank you for clarifying that for us.  As you can probably understand it is  very frustrating for the mods when we are trying to help a member and then down the track find out that there have been other thing/s in the mix.  Sometimes it can be because they don't think the "thing" matters, and sometimes it is because of embarrassment.  I hope you can understand my reason for asking. 

 

Yes,  it has been a lot in a very short period of time.  And that is something to remember, that in the scheme of things it has only been a short time, even though it has probably seemed a very long time.

 

I understand how difficult it is for you, but you do seem to have a positive personality and that can help us to get through the tougher times, even though it can take a lot of work to hang in there.  I feel very sorry for people who have a naturally negative personality.  It's hard for us positive personalities.  It must be so much harder for them.  Something I read in a book that has really stuck with me is "it's just a feeling and feelings change".

Yes I definitely understand! Funny that you think I have a positive personality, I think I'm the most negative person I know  I do try to be positive at least! The worst of my suicidal feelings seem to have passed for now, but I can feel them lurking around in my head ready to spring back up at a moments notice

[ChessieCat]

If your were a naturally negative person your posts would contain lots of whinging and complaining.  I'm a naturally positive person but when my mood is low/lower I find that negativity creeps in.  When I get upset whether angry or sad etc, I generally get very deeply upset, but once I work through it with self talk within a few minutes I can be laughing and joking.

 

20 minutes ago, kangamangus said:

I can feel them lurking around in my head ready to spring back up at a moments notice

 

That takes a lot of emotional energy.

[kangamangus]

1 minute ago, ChessieCat said:

If your were a naturally negative person your posts would contain lots of whinging and complaining.  I'm a naturally positive person but when my mood is low/lower I find that negativity creeps in.  When I get upset whether angry or sad etc, I generally get very deeply upset, but once I work through it with self talk within a few minutes I can be laughing and joking.

 

 

That takes a lot of emotional energy.

I feel like my posts are full of complaining and whining! But you are right, I am really trying hard to maintain a positive attitude right now even though it feels impossible. It does take a lot of emotional energy but honestly I am feeling much better right now. It's the strangest thing, 2 hours ago I was walking around the lake feeling absolutely suicidal and despondent but now I feel much much better. It really seems that once the sun goes down, I really perk up. Kind of frustrating because I really need to find a job right now and that feels impossible with the way I feel during the daytime. I am also feeling proud of myself because I feel like if any "normal" person had been through the emotional hell I have been through recently they would have ended up in a mental hospital. Thank you again for your support Chessie, you have been my #1 supporter on here so far and I really can't thank you enough! I really admire your ability to offer advice when you are going through your own withdrawal yourself. You are an awesome person 

[ChessieCat]

Thank you for the compliment. I would like to compliment you as I've noticed you posting on other members' topics encouraging and supporting them.  Together with the information on this site that's what this forum is about.  It's a long journey we are taking, people who haven't experienced this understandably don't get it, and because of the nature of withdrawal it is good to have the support of others when we need it.

[kangamangus]

Well thank you! I know how reassuring it can be to have someone reply to your posts and offer advice so I figured since I am feeling a bit better right now I would take advantage of that and try to offer some encouragement myself. It's so true, if you haven't experienced this yourself you couldn't possibly understand it. We are all part of a big family of survivors, even though we don't know each other and we live in different areas on the world we have this one thing binding us together and I think that's very important.

[ChessieCat]

Just remember to put your own well being first.  Some posts can be depressing and/or triggering.  It's important to recognise when this happens and to take appropriate action to look after yourself.

[kangamangus]

I will keep that in mind, I do find some posts can trigger me a bit. Thanks

[kangamangus]

Seems like I spoke too soon, I'm feeling pretty bad again. Well it was nice to get some relief for the pain even if it was only for a little while.

[bubble]

It doesn't matter that the window closed. It will open again.

 

Don't worry about getting a job now. Give yourself time. As for all of us in a wave, your biggest enemy now is fear. When I'm in that situation and don't think I will recover I read threads of other people who were in a bad way and got better. (I'm very lucky that I can quickly skip over negative people).

 

I just came across this on Dan's thread:

 

When we're in a wave it is difficult to remember what a window looks like and it is all too easy to surrender to the false belief that we will never see one again. But, without fail, 100% of the time, we survive the present wave and a new window opens up for us. I've lost count how many times this has happened, but I'm still always surprised when it does. 

 

As 

[kangamangus]

10 hours ago, bubble said:

It doesn't matter that the window closed. It will open again.

 

Don't worry about getting a job now. Give yourself time. As for all of us in a wave, your biggest enemy now is fear. When I'm in that situation and don't think I will recover I read threads of other people who were in a bad way and got better. (I'm very lucky that I can quickly skip over negative people).

 

I just came across this on Dan's thread:

 

When we're in a wave it is difficult to remember what a window looks like and it is all too easy to surrender to the false belief that we will never see one again. But, without fail, 100% of the time, we survive the present wave and a new window opens up for us. I've lost count how many times this has happened, but I'm still always surprised when it does. 

 

As 

Thanks bubble. I am trying to hard to hold on and give myself time right now. I am trying to practice self care and to be positive. It's true, I can barely remember how I felt last night but I know it was better than how I am feeling now. The psychological torture is unreal. I really just want it all to stop. 

[bubble]

There are things to learn from this... Have you checked Shep's thread?

 

It's in the benzo subsection.

[kangamangus]

I am trying to use this experience to learn mindfulness but it is so very hard. I am trying though. Today was another rough one. Lots of crying and dark dark depression. Everything negative in the world seems so magnified and horrible. I read an article this morning about plastic in our drinking water and that really really set me off. What good is all this suffering if the world isn't even worth living in? I am also feeling rather "floaty" and disconnected. Maybe a little DP/DR if I really pay attention and look for it. I am mentally so tired. I have been fighting this depression battle for so many years and I long for relief. I have been trying so hard lately. It has taken every ounce of my strength to stay clean from drugs, to exercise, and to be mindful. I hope I can keep fighting.

 

[Littlegrandma]

Hang in there Kang. You CAN keep fighting!! 

I woke with panic this morning coming to the realization that I have Not been drug free for 40 years. My brain will surely never heal. But I had a few short windows today. The headache remains as does the anxiety,but with less intensity.  I have true belief, for the first time, that I will heal. You will too. You're young and stronger than you think. 

Its so hard to be positive when you're feeling so bad, but you've got this!!! 

LG

[kangamangus]

Thanks LG  Really glad to hear you have had some windows today, I think that's a really good sign. I am experiencing one now I think!! Its crazy, every night when it starts to get dark it seems like my depression just lifts itself off of me. I don't understand the reason for it, but I am grateful. I have always been more of a night owl anyway! I think I am going to avoid the news and social media for a while, as it seems to be a pretty big trigger for me.

[Littlegrandma]

I also feel better after dark. Even my husband noticed that. I fear bedtime though. Good sleep is rare and I dread the morning cortisol rush. 

I have been avoiding the news for months now. I'm just keeping an eye on the weather for the last couple days. I have several friends in Florida so I'm watching Irma's path. A couple friends headed to Ga. The rest are waiting it out. I'm scared for them. 

Enjoy your window. There's many more coming your way! 

LG

[kangamangus]

Yes I understand fearing bedtime. I sleep well, but I always feel so much worse in the mornings. Guess its the cortisol rush, although its not waking me up as early as it used to. Yeah the news has been really bad for me lately, I think it'll be nice to take a step back from it. I have been keeping an eye on the weather too, I have some family in Gainesville, FL who have evacuated to Atlanta for now. Hope they will stay safe there. We are expecting some rain here in NC on Tuesday, which I am thankful for. It could be much worse, we have had some bad hurricane damage here in the past. Guess you don't have to worry about that in Illinois huh??? Unless some hurricanes start appearing on the great lakes 

[Littlegrandma]

Ugh. 4 AM like clockwork. That's when the anxiety and tremors are so bad. It's so hard to do anything but ruminate. Today, tho, I got showered early and actually put makeup on. Almost felt human. Well, looked human. Felt alien. 

But after dark, of course, took a drive to Dairy Queen for a cone. I felt like a normal person. I rarely leave the house. Don't want to run into a neighbor. I can't talk in sentences. We live on 4 1/2 acres, beautiful place to walk with a creek but my neighbor, who is great ,always wants to visit. And she's always outside. I just feel like a babbling idiot and really can't comprehend what she's saying to me. I'm trying to avoid her til the fog lifts a bit. 

We're in tornado alley. But most Illinois houses have basements. But when the warnings sound we run outside looking for it. 

Hope Irma doesn't head as far north as you. I'm sure you'll get some backlash. Be safe

[kangamangus]

Thanks LG, I know what you mean about feeling like an Alien. Another very rough day. Seems like that's all I have anymore. This crushing depression is sucking the life out of me and I feel so disconnected from everything. I went on a walk today and just felt like a total alien, disconnected from the environment and the people around me. I am truly at a loss for what to do, I am going to try to updose on my Zoloft tomorrow in the hope that it gives me some relief. If that doesn't work I am afraid I will end up in the hospital. I am so jealous of the people on this site who had a chance to build up lives and support systems before going through this hell. For years on the drugs I have neglected my friends and family and career and now I have almost nothing. It makes it so hard. It would be one thing to just have this awful chemical depression with no cause, but my life is so pathetic that I have every reason to be depressed anyway. I constantly feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. God help me get through this. Sorry for the very negative post, I just really needed to vent a little bit so someone knows the deep agony that I am in. I hope everyone is doing better than I am. I am thinking about each and every one of you. 

 

I do have one question though, was anybody initially put on these drugs for bad depression?? It seems like many people were on them for PPD, or Anxiety, or even pain management. I'm so scared that I will get off these drugs and I wont be able to handle the depression, although I am barely handling it now obviously. I have been fighting this battle for so long, I just want a break. 

[bubble]

Worrying about future is just a withdrawal symptom. I have it very intense at times. When I'm sturdier in my mind I don't worry so much or at all. 

 

Have you tried any non-drug methods for dealing with depression over years? I find talk therapy extremely helpful. There are so many techniques and methods to help. Learning to meditate is so very powerful. It gives you something to lean on so that you are stronger and it's not only you and your depression any more. 

 

When I was or am depressed I dig, dig, dig for solutions, for something to give me hope and relief. I like this guy a lot. Sometimes I don't understand what he is saying (very often) but his voice is so soothing: https://mooji.tv/freemedia/go-and-enjoy-your-life/?_fm_s=depression&action=recent&_fm_video_subtitle=0&_fm_media_type=0&_fm_media_topic=0&_fm_length=0&_fm_media_source=0

 

This is what worked for me. You have to find your own path. But there is always a way out. I also suffered from terrible agony of Zoloft induced depression long before I found this site. I had no idea what was going on and thought my 'mental illness' was getting worse. The doctor put me on Lexapro then just because she believed new drugs are better I don't think it's important what drug. It is time that heals us. And it would take me months to start feeling human again.

 

How much do you plan on reinstating?

 

What do you think they will do for you at hospital?

 

Even if you don't feel walking and other non-drug methods are working they are very busy behind the scene and you are building yourself a solid foundation for getting out of this hole by applying them. Time is our friend. All we have to do is be patient.

 

[kangamangus]

41 minutes ago, bubble said:

Worrying about future is just a withdrawal symptom. I have it very intense at times. When I'm sturdier in my mind I don't worry so much or at all. 

 

Have you tried any non-drug methods for dealing with depression over years? I find talk therapy extremely helpful. There are so many techniques and methods to help. Learning to meditate is so very powerful. It gives you something to lean on so that you are stronger and it's not only you and your depression any more. 

 

When I was or am depressed I dig, dig, dig for solutions, for something to give me hope and relief. I like this guy a lot. Sometimes I don't understand what he is saying (very often) but his voice is so soothing: https://mooji.tv/freemedia/go-and-enjoy-your-life/?_fm_s=depression&action=recent&_fm_video_subtitle=0&_fm_media_type=0&_fm_media_topic=0&_fm_length=0&_fm_media_source=0

 

This is what worked for me. You have to find your own path. But there is always a way out. I also suffered from terrible agony of Zoloft induced depression long before I found this site. I had no idea what was going on and thought my 'mental illness' was getting worse. The doctor put me on Lexapro then just because she believed new drugs are better I don't think it's important what drug. It is time that heals us. And it would take me months to start feeling human again.

 

How much do you plan on reinstating?

 

What do you think they will do for you at hospital?

 

Even if you don't feel walking and other non-drug methods are working they are very busy behind the scene and you are building yourself a solid foundation for getting out of this hole by applying them. Time is our friend. All we have to do is be patient.

 

      Hey bubble. I actually started CBT therapy fairly soon after my initial CT. I have been trying to apply what I learn there, although its difficult learning anything through the "fog" if you know what I mean. I also downloaded the Calm app you suggested and started using it this morning. I think I started the 7 days of calm program. I will give that link a listen and see if I can pick anything up from it. I know I have to find my own path, it's so difficult when I feel so empty and hopeless inside.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I was planning on reinstating 2mg and give it a week to see what happens. I don't know what they will do for me at the hospital but keep me safe from myself and probably give me more drugs. As much as I don't want that, I am getting very desperate. I have never attempted suicide or self harmed, but it has been constantly on my mind for a long time now. I would never hurt myself because I care about my family so much, but I really really just don't want to be here and in so much pain anymore. The thought that it will go on for a long long time is unbearable. That is the main source for my agony I think. I really need to stop catastrophizing so much.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               I know a job is the last thing I should be worrying about right now, but I have the pressure inside of me to succeed and to do well. My family doesn't understand the pain and fog that I am in and I don't know how to convey it to them properly. My mother wants me to start volunteering or working somewhere, and I can barely get out of bed and brush my teeth. I haven't seen my friends in weeks because I just don't feel safe leaving my house. I don't know how I would work a job when I am just barely holding myself together. We went out to dinner last night and I was just crying the whole time. Very embarrassing.

 

     I'm sure that walking and meditating are helping me on a deeper level, it's just very difficult to get out of my house right now and to actually apply myself to do these things through the fog. I have been doing them though, so I have to give myself credit for that I guess. 

 

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it very much. I hope all is going well with your taper. 

      

[DMV64]

Hello!

I am reading your thread and I also feel the meds I have been on have really changed me. I know I had anxiety but not like this. Hoping to find a new normal.

Glad you are here.

-D

[kangamangus]

6 minutes ago, DMV64 said:

Hello!

I am reading your thread and I also feel the meds I have been on have really changed me. I know I had anxiety but not like this. Hoping to find a new normal.

Glad you are here.

-D

Hey!

Yes, I do feel like the meds changed me for the worst. I was a sensitive kid who screwed around in school and had a little depression. 8 Years or so later and I was a non-functioning drug addict who quit my job and could never seem to finish college. I know I can't blame all of it on the meds, but they certainly didn't help me. Sorry to hear you are struggling with anxiety, I have that too although it usually goes away pretty quickly. Glad to be here, and nice to meet you!

[ChessieCat]

22 hours ago, kangamangus said:

Its crazy, every night when it starts to get dark it seems like my depression just lifts itself off of me. I don't understand the reason for it,

 

It could be when the cortisol lessens.

 

22 hours ago, kangamangus said:

I think I am going to avoid the news and social media for a while, as it seems to be a pretty big trigger for me.

 

I no longer watch television and only on the odd occasion listen to the news on the radio.  I find that there are certain types of movies that I cannot watch or have to choose the right time to watch them.  If I start watching a movie which hypes me up a bit then I change to something that I doesn't.  When I first started tapering I was unable to play Angry Birds because it would increase my adrenaline and I would be on edge.  I have been able to play it now but have to choose the right time and also limit the length of time I play whereas before I started tapering I was able to play it for hours on end.

 

I've also found that I react more to what happens when I am driving.  If an incident occurs, like a close call, I find I get more angry and more easily than I ever did and have to do a lot of self talk telling myself that it didn't happen and I'm okay and I concentrate on my breathing until I feel settled again.  If it happens just before I arrive at work, I sit in the car for a few minutes to get myself into the right head space otherwise I go in and talk about it and then it ramps me up again.  Now I just go in and say I had another "it didn't happen incidents" and can talk about it as a matter of fact without it triggering.

 

It does take practice but it's well worth it.  Hopefully I will drift into being a very mellow senior instead of a crabby, irritable, complaining, crotchety old thing (I wanted to used a colloquialism here that rhymes with smart!)

[DMV64]

Oh my gosh yes to keeping the overstimulation to a minimum! 

[DMV64]

We are going to get better! A day at a time!

[Littlegrandma]

Kang

im sorry you're feeling so low today. I like what bubble said 

worrying about the future is just a withdrawal symptom. 

Today the depression hit me hard. I can relate to everything you said. My husband and kids are my support system but the rest of my family thinks I should just be able to get over this. I hate when they talk loud and happy to me like they're going to lift my spirits. I talk to 2 friends on a regular basis. One gets it. The other thinks a week at the beach will "fix" me. 

I got outside today and mowed on the tractor for a couple hours. My yard and everything around me was completely alien. I tried being in the present and concentrating on nature, the grass, blue sky but it became more and more unreal to me. The fog is so heavy. The anxiety lifted a bit today. At first I was so relieved but the depression replaced it. Not sure that's a fair trade off. 

I hope upping your Zoloft gives you some relief. I think the further away from the coke you are, the more relief you will get. Cocaine abuse many years ago was what sent me spiraling into anxiety and depression. I was always trying self medication. The more of a mess I made of my life, the more I had to use drugs and alcohol to forget it. 

I did straighten it out, with Zoloft, ironically. I raised 2 great kids but still mourn for the time I wasted and the friends I alienated. 

But you are young. You have many many years to make up for your poor choices. As my husband keeps telling me, the past is the past. Let it go. 

I am starting cbt therapy soon. Another suggestion I have for you, and me for that matter, is AA or NA. A therapist once said where else are you going to find so many people with anxiety that are going to understand and support you. 

Hoping you have a better night...

after dark. 

Hugs, lg

[kangamangus]

4 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

 

It could be when the cortisol lessens.

 

 

I no longer watch television and only on the odd occasion listen to the news on the radio.  I find that there are certain types of movies that I cannot watch or have to choose the right time to watch them.  If I start watching a movie which hypes me up a bit then I change to something that I doesn't.  When I first started tapering I was unable to play Angry Birds because it would increase my adrenaline and I would be on edge.  I have been able to play it now but have to choose the right time and also limit the length of time I play whereas before I started tapering I was able to play it for hours on end.

 

I've also found that I react more to what happens when I am driving.  If an incident occurs, like a close call, I find I get more angry and more easily than I ever did and have to do a lot of self talk telling myself that it didn't happen and I'm okay and I concentrate on my breathing until I feel settled again.  If it happens just before I arrive at work, I sit in the car for a few minutes to get myself into the right head space otherwise I go in and talk about it and then it ramps me up again.  Now I just go in and say I had another "it didn't happen incidents" and can talk about it as a matter of fact without it triggering.

 

It does take practice but it's well worth it.  Hopefully I will drift into being a very mellow senior instead of a crabby, irritable, complaining, crotchety old thing (I wanted to used a colloquialism here that rhymes with smart!)

I just wanted to apologize if I have freaked anybody out with my very negative posts recently. I have been suffering but I know many of you are suffering too, and I hope I have not contributed to that. Yes I think most of my symptoms are cortisol related, as it really seems to let up after dark. It's like a switch in my brain, its the weirdest thing. Would you consider these "windows" and do you think this is a good sign of healing?  I have been reading the thread about early morning anxiety and cortisol levels hoping to learn some techniques to hopefully lower the levels and make the daytime more bearable for me. I know what you mean about having to choose certain things to watch. I frequent the website Reddit and during the day when I am suffering the most it can be very difficult for me. I don't know if I would say overstimulating, but it is definitely a trigger for me in many ways. Thank you again Chessie, hope you are well.

 

4 hours ago, DMV64 said:

We are going to get better! A day at a time!

Yes, yes we are. Thank you

4 hours ago, Littlegrandma said:

Kang

im sorry you're feeling so low today. I like what bubble said 

worrying about the future is just a withdrawal symptom. 

Today the depression hit me hard. I can relate to everything you said. My husband and kids are my support system but the rest of my family thinks I should just be able to get over this. I hate when they talk loud and happy to me like they're going to lift my spirits. I talk to 2 friends on a regular basis. One gets it. The other thinks a week at the beach will "fix" me. 

I got outside today and mowed on the tractor for a couple hours. My yard and everything around me was completely alien. I tried being in the present and concentrating on nature, the grass, blue sky but it became more and more unreal to me. The fog is so heavy. The anxiety lifted a bit today. At first I was so relieved but the depression replaced it. Not sure that's a fair trade off. 

I hope upping your Zoloft gives you some relief. I think the further away from the coke you are, the more relief you will get. Cocaine abuse many years ago was what sent me spiraling into anxiety and depression. I was always trying self medication. The more of a mess I made of my life, the more I had to use drugs and alcohol to forget it. 

I did straighten it out, with Zoloft, ironically. I raised 2 great kids but still mourn for the time I wasted and the friends I alienated. 

But you are young. You have many many years to make up for your poor choices. As my husband keeps telling me, the past is the past. Let it go. 

I am starting cbt therapy soon. Another suggestion I have for you, and me for that matter, is AA or NA. A therapist once said where else are you going to find so many people with anxiety that are going to understand and support you. 

Hoping you have a better night...

after dark. 

Hugs, lg

Yes! I was at a family gathering tonight for my aunts birthday and everybody was so annoying to me! Especially while I was just sitting there suffering in silence. It was brutal, and I know my family is very very worried about me. I'm sorry the depression hit you hard today, trust me I know how difficult that is  I'm glad you have a supporting husband and kids, even if the rest of your family doesn't get it. You can't get it unless you have been through it yourself. You have me supporting you too   Sounds like your DP/DR is pretty bad, I know how scary that can be. A month ago I was in Europe and I had it very bad. It was one of the most frightening times of my life, being in a foreign country where I didn't know anybody or anything and dealing with DP/DR at the same time. I think its good that you are forcing yourself to get outside and to be active. I am doing the same thing. I am around 120 days clean from drugs, and for that I am very proud. My cocaine habit was developed pretty recently and I am glad it didn't progress any further than it did. My drug of choice was marijuana, which I abused all day every day for many years. It was the only way I could get through work and my life in many ways. At least that's what I thought at the time, now I find the strength inside me to get through the days. I have found CBT therapy to be very helpful, and I am lucky to have found a very good therapist. He is supporting me in my decision to come off drugs, which is wonderful. Since I have such a drastic difference in how I feel during the day and at night, he meets with me twice a week, once early in the morning, and later in the week at night. I am planning on joining NA soon as well, hopefully once I feel a bit better during the day. I don't know how well it would suit me if I was just crying the whole time and upsetting the other members! My night definitely got better, I spent quite a while talking with my grandmother and spending time with my family which was really nice. I hope your depression lifts soon, have a good night. Hugs right back!

[bubble]

Yes! Abating of symptoms in the evening is your window!

 

And it's a clear sign of healing happening. For me it was at first just a few very brief moments of clarity and calm. Gradually they got bigger and bigger. The trick is to hold on to these moments and see them as your baseline and your true and actual states and distract and distance yourself as much as you can from the rest of it which are chemically produces neuroemotions! Have you read about those?

 

When you are sitting at a birthday party feeling horrible just practice distancing yourself from it and not taking it at its face value: say to yourself: these are all chemically induced fabrications and lies. Practice tuning in with the energies of people around, just observe them and try to learn from them. Fake it till you make it is a very powerful tool to disempower those chemical lies. Mooji is great for teaching us distancing from our symptoms and not identifying with them.

 

Mindfulness is great for reducing cortisol, walking also. You are a fighter. You are doing it. Your windows have cracked open and soon they will be opening wider and wider.

[DMV64]

I am so glad there are others here recovering from other drug and drink addictions. I have been sober for awhile and hope to get sober from these meds too. 

[kangamangus]

15 hours ago, bubble said:

Yes! Abating of symptoms in the evening is your window!

 

And it's a clear sign of healing happening. For me it was at first just a few very brief moments of clarity and calm. Gradually they got bigger and bigger. The trick is to hold on to these moments and see them as your baseline and your true and actual states and distract and distance yourself as much as you can from the rest of it which are chemically produces neuroemotions! Have you read about those?

 

When you are sitting at a birthday party feeling horrible just practice distancing yourself from it and not taking it at its face value: say to yourself: these are all chemically induced fabrications and lies. Practice tuning in with the energies of people around, just observe them and try to learn from them. Fake it till you make it is a very powerful tool to disempower those chemical lies. Mooji is great for teaching us distancing from our symptoms and not identifying with them.

 

Mindfulness is great for reducing cortisol, walking also. You are a fighter. You are doing it. Your windows have cracked open and soon they will be opening wider and wider.

Yes, I have read about the neuroemotions! It's hard to see them for chemical emotions when you are feeling them though, they feel so real! So I reinstated yesterday at a higher dose than recommended. I know you guys told me to try to reinstate at a small amount of 1-2mg but I went for 12.5mg(was taking a risk, I know) instead so today I was on 62.5mg of zoloft. I feel like 1 day is too soon to tell but the difference today was dramatic. The depression was at maybe 20% of what it was yesterday. I still don't feel good, but compared to yesterday it's night and day. Now I am thinking that maybe it's just a coincidence and I am experiencing a "window" right when I decide to reinstate but that would be a hell of a coincidence. What do you guys think? Is it possible to feel that dramatic of a difference 24 hours after I reinstated? I did have a higher level of anxiety today compared to yesterday, but its possible I was so focused on the depression yesterday I didn't even notice the anxiety. Anxiety I can handle anyway, its the soul-crushing depression that was getting to be too much. So this is obviously a good sign right? Should I continue on this higher dosage and see how I feel? Any input is appreciated  

[DMV64]

I don't have a lot of experience but it sounds like that effect is possible. I just reinstated and I think it is too low of my dose. Waiting to see if I need to go higher to stabilize 

[kangamangus]

I certainly hope so, it has now been about 36 hours since I reinstated at that amount and I am actually feeling pretty good. I pray that it sticks around. I hope your reinstatement works, how are you feeling?

 

[DMV64]

Today was rough. I will probably up dose a bit tomorrow and hope for the best. I have to teach and I really thought I was going to break down. Tomorrow is a new day!

[kangamangus]

Thats true, tomorrow is a new day. I hope it goes well, ill be thinking about you

[bubble]

I would stay at this dose and see what happens.

[jkun41]

Hi Kang. I read through your thread because I also was on Zoloft. Though we have very different stories, I just wanted to say that I know where you're coming from with the emotional/mental exhaustion, especially with the unwanted thoughts. 

 

When I'm not feeling too stressed I can think logically about stupid thoughts that I have and see that they are unfounded, and that thoughts hold no real truth. 

 

However in the moment, I'm assuming due to the neuro-emotions (especially fear) it's as if I feel like I NEED to entertain them, or disprove them, because they hold some sort of truth. This is obviously false, and is a core belief many of us need to change. 

 

I can't remember if I read it from someone on here, or somewhere else, so I don't take credit for it, but something I have been trying recently (this past week has been a bad one) is attempting to separate fear from anxiety. 

 

Fear is a response to a threat. That threat can be physical (in our case, a physical sensation,) or mental/emotional ("will this ever end"). I suggest *trying* (I say trying because *doing* is often very hard) to tell yourself that the threat has passed. 

 

The hope is that eventually this will train our minds to let go of the fear. Once the fear is lowered we can work on seeing that the anxiety that caused the fear is unfounded. The goal is break these two things up and defeat them separately, as they're often too strong together. 

 

Example that applies to me:

 

Intrusive thought: what if I forget who I am? (I won't!) 

 

This thought makes me fearful. Often resulting in panic. I feel threatened that my cognition is at risk and I often start the exhausting process of "proving" it wrong. Going over my day, who my loved ones are, etc. 

 

Rather than doing that I need to instead tell myself that this "threat" is not present. I haven't forgotten, my mind is working. I will attempt to tell my mind and body that the threat has passed and it can calm down. 

 

Once the fear subsides at least a little, that is when I focus on the anxiety of the intrusive thought. Was the thought ever founded? No. That's all the attention it needs. No need to battle it or prove it wrong. Just tell yourself, it was never true and never will be. Admitting, this is very hard, and I have a lot of trouble successfully doing this. 

 

This can also help us in separating emotions/feelings from thoughts. 

 

Again, I realize our situations are different, but you had mentioned being bothered by thoughts of self harm so I thought it would be useful.