Quest

[ChessieCat]

6 hours ago, Quest said:

Never have had a depression so severe in my life.

 

It's iatrogenic depression caused by the changes.  It's not regular depression.  Yes, it's tough but it will pass.  You just need to keep hanging in for as long as it takes.  Keeping your drugs and doses the same and not adding in anything else will allow your brain to make the adjustments it needs to make.  Instead of thinking of it as depression or putting a name on the symptom say my brain is healing and that is why I am feeling like I am.  Putting a positive spin on it can make a big difference.

[Quest]

7 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

 

It's iatrogenic depression caused by the changes.  It's not regular depression.  Yes, it's tough but it will pass.  You just need to keep hanging in for as long as it takes.  Keeping your drugs and doses the same and not adding in anything else will allow your brain to make the adjustments it needs to make.  Instead of thinking of it as depression or putting a name on the symptom say my brain is healing and that is why I am feeling like I am.  Putting a positive spin on it can make a big difference.

I took a quarter of a quetiapene (25 mg) I slept for about 4 hrs.  Feel really bad this morning.  Have I totally screwed myself now?  I  so frigging scared.  What do I do now?  Will this help the depression or make it worse.   The doctor told me if I don't get some sleep I will be suicidal, and that I now have major depressive disorder and to just take the seroquel and stop the zoplicone.  Also wants me to stop the Effexor and change to another antidepressant!  I can not feel like this anymore.  

[Littlegrandma]

quest, any improvement in the last few hours?

[Quest]

9 minutes ago, Littlegrandma said:

quest, any improvement in the last few hours?

 

10 minutes ago, Littlegrandma said:

quest, any improvement in the last few hours?

Lg, I have spent the last 3 hours fighting terrible urges.  What the hell!  I can not stop moving or trembling.  I was like this before I took the piece of seroquel but I am sure it didn't help.  I am running out of strength, but am too scared to go to a hospital.  Isn't that weird, you almost prefer being gone than go to a hospital.  How do you fight your depression lg? The anxiety was bad enough, but this blackness is so much worse.  Are you ok?  I'm just so tired.  

[Littlegrandma]

What kind of urges, Quest?

[Quest]

On 2017-09-11 at 1:29 PM, Altostrata said:

 

 

What's important is not how much you're taking, 15mg is not a magic number, but that it is reducing your symptoms. I am concerned that perhaps being a perfectionist about measuring your dosing is making your anxiety worse. I agree with baroquep, simply count out 15 random beads from a capsule, don't worry about the size or dosage in milligrams at this point. Stop fiddling with the scale, put it away to use later.

 

Make sure you take 15 beads of Effexor (and each of your other drugs) at the same times each day. Please keep daily notes on paper about your symptoms, when you take your drugs, and their dosages. This will help track whether a particular drug is causing symptoms.

 

Also, it will help answer the essential question: Have your symptoms changed at all since you reinstated Effexor? If yes, in what way?

 

Yes, you need to give it a little more time to see if 15 beads is sufficient.

Altostrata, is there any way to lessen the depression.  I, trying to fight this, but  my thoughts are terrible right now.  

[Littlegrandma]

Im  not sure how I'm dealing with it. It's been 3 1/2 months. I'm tired and scared. I never thought I could go on this long and who knows how much longer it will be. 

The anxiety mixed with depression is horrible. I've had the blues before but never this depression. I always said I could deal with physical pain better than emotional, but this migraine is getting the better of me. 

Sometimes I feel there's no end in sight. I mourn for the summer I lost and now fall. My husband took our grandkids to the park today. I just cried. I'm tired of my house. I'm tired of tv and phone games. But I don't know what else to do with myself. I pace but my legs are so wobbly. I try to do little things around the house. One bathroom at a time. One load of laundry. I get outside everyday even if it's just sitting on the porch. I take a walk when I can. My husband takes me for an ice cream drive at night. 

You will stabilize. It was just over 3 mo and I was getting some improvement. Then I started messing with my drugs again. As bad as I feel the last 2 days makes me realize how big that improvement was.  I will not play with doses again!!

We have no choice but to ride it out. My therapist asked me last night if I was prepared for possibly going thru this for 3 years.  that terrified me but I knows it's possible cuz of all on this site that are suffering. 

Hang on Quest!! Go outside. Sit in the grass under a tree. Breathe. 

We cant let the anxiety get the best of us. You have to try to focus on something else. Are you getting out at all?

please hang in there. We will get thru this together. Lg

[Quest]

1 hour ago, Littlegrandma said:

What kind of urges, Quest?

Wanting it to stop.

[Littlegrandma]

I trembled night and day for 2 plus months. It seemed unbearable. 

Alto and chessie will help you figure this out. Please hang in there and do anything to distract yourself. For weeks my mom or one of my brothers would pick me up during the day and take me for drives. Sit in the park. Make me do a little walking. I could not be alone with my own thoughts. It wasn't always perfect but it did give me moments outside of my head. 

[Quest]

25 minutes ago, Littlegrandma said:

I trembled night and day for 2 plus months. It seemed unbearable. 

Alto and chessie will help you figure this out. Please hang in there and do anything to distract yourself. For weeks my mom or one of my brothers would pick me up during the day and take me for drives. Sit in the park. Make me do a little walking. I could not be alone with my own thoughts. It wasn't always perfect but it did give me moments outside of my head. 

Thank you~. 

[ChessieCat]

1 hour ago, Quest said:

Altostrata, is there any way to lessen the depression.  I, trying to fight this, but  my thoughts are terrible right now.  

 

Claire Weekes has some excellent tools.  Go to YouTube and type in her name and you will find lots of short videos.

 

Claire Weekes' Method of Recovering from a Sensitized Nervous System

 

Acceptance

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

6 hours ago, Quest said:

I took a quarter of a quetiapene (25 mg) I slept for about 4 hrs.  Feel really bad this morning.  Have I totally screwed myself now?  I  so frigging scared.  What do I do now?  Will this help the depression or make it worse.   The doctor told me if I don't get some sleep I will be suicidal, and that I now have major depressive disorder and to just take the seroquel and stop the zoplicone.  Also wants me to stop the Effexor and change to another antidepressant!  I can not feel like this anymore.  

 

If you want to get off the psychiatric drug merry go round you will need to learn not to turn to them as the solution.  The drugs have caused the problem and are not the answer.  Please see the links I posted above.  In order to get to the other side we have to go through.  Using non drug techniques can help.  It is important to try different ones to find some that work for you and to use them.  We can provide suggestions but you have to do the work.  The suggestions are simple but it can be hard work.  Some may help others may not.  You won't know until you try them.

 

Sleep Hypnosis, Guided Meditations, Calming Videos

Sleep problems - that awful withdrawal insomnia

[Altostrata]

Quest, when you say "depression," what exactly do you mean?

 

Have you felt any difference at all since you've been consistently taking 15 beads?

[Quest]

 

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Quest, when you say "depression," what exactly do you mean?

 

Have you felt any difference at all since you've been consistently taking 15 beads?

 

I mean wanting to simply die depression.  I was depressed when I started the effexor but sept 14,18, and today from about 12-3 it was an overwhelming.  Is this normal to feel this?  There have been one or two hours over the last two weeks where I just felt normal, but not for long.  I am trying to eat as healthy as possible but I just continue to lose weight.  I know the not sleeping thing is doing me in.  That   Piece of quetiapene last night at 11:30 got me about 4 hours, but I was super shaky this morning.  Took my effexor at 10ish like every morning.  My anxiety is pretty bad all day and starts again as soon as I lay down and try to close my eyes.  I have a real hard time sitting still as well, constantly moving and my muscles are on fire in my legs.  My poor daughter babysat me all day.  I am trying to be positive but I am losing strength.  Do I give this another two weeks?  My p-doc today told me to continue the seroquel for a week and then she wants to put me on prozac.  My analytical brain says NO, and the suffering part says maybe it can work.  Beyond lost right now.  I am trying to figure out how to change my thoughts so it doesn't turn into an action.  At 3 today I was better than 12.  

 

Edited September 20, 2017 by ChessieCat
removed duplicate quote

[Quest]

23 hours ago, Littlegrandma said:

Im  not sure how I'm dealing with it. It's been 3 1/2 months. I'm tired and scared. I never thought I could go on this long and who knows how much longer it will be. 

The anxiety mixed with depression is horrible. I've had the blues before but never this depression. I always said I could deal with physical pain better than emotional, but this migraine is getting the better of me. 

Sometimes I feel there's no end in sight. I mourn for the summer I lost and now fall. My husband took our grandkids to the park today. I just cried. I'm tired of my house. I'm tired of tv and phone games. But I don't know what else to do with myself. I pace but my legs are so wobbly. I try to do little things around the house. One bathroom at a time. One load of laundry. I get outside everyday even if it's just sitting on the porch. I take a walk when I can. My husband takes me for an ice cream drive at night. 

You will stabilize. It was just over 3 mo and I was getting some improvement. Then I started messing with my drugs again. As bad as I feel the last 2 days makes me realize how big that improvement was.  I will not play with doses again!!

We have no choice but to ride it out. My therapist asked me last night if I was prepared for possibly going thru this for 3 years.  that terrified me but I knows it's possible cuz of all on this site that are suffering. 

Hang on Quest!! Go outside. Sit in the grass under a tree. Breathe. 

We cant let the anxiety get the best of us. You have to try to focus on something else. Are you getting out at all?

please hang in there. We will get thru this together. Lg

Your story sounds as if I wrote it.  I'm trying super hard to hold on but its just been over 2 weeks and I am not feeling any improvement.  I dont know yet if my body is accepting the reinstatement or not.  I did not take any seroquel last night but it is very hard without sleep.  I have been forcing myself out and have to get groceries and my son to a d from school etc.  I also dislike roaming my house.  The anxiety is such a horrible entity, also sorry that you feel it too, know that youre not alone in this.  I so appreciate all of your time talking with me.  If you ever need me please write, I will get back to you always.  Hugs LG. How do you avoid the mind set of something else might work?  Do you just stay away from the Drs. Period?  You have such strength, maybe some will find me one day~

[Quest]

20 hours ago, Quest said:

 

 

I mean wanting to simply die depression.  I was depressed when I started the effexor but sept 14,18, and today from about 12-3 it was an overwhelming.  Is this normal to feel this?  There have been one or two hours over the last two weeks where I just felt normal, but not for long.  I am trying to eat as healthy as possible but I just continue to lose weight.  I know the not sleeping thing is doing me in.  That   Piece of quetiapene last night at 11:30 got me about 4 hours, but I was super shaky this morning.  Took my effexor at 10ish like every morning.  My anxiety is pretty bad all day and starts again as soon as I lay down and try to close my eyes.  I have a real hard time sitting still as well, constantly moving and my muscles are on fire in my legs.  My poor daughter babysat me all day.  I am trying to be positive but I am losing strength.  Do I give this another two weeks?  My p-doc today told me to continue the seroquel for a week and then she wants to put me on prozac.  My analytical brain says NO, and the suffering part says maybe it can work.  Beyond lost right now.  I am trying to figure out how to change my thoughts so it doesn't turn into an action.  At 3 today I was better than 12.  

 

 

22 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Quest, when you say "depression," what exactly do you mean?

 

Have you felt any difference at all since you've been consistently taking 15 beads?

Altostrata, on the 25 the i am thinking I am going to take my effexor to the compounding pharmacist when she's back.  I have a prescription for 5 mgs.  Do I just take in one of my pills of 15 balls and tell her to get as close as that?  I do not know if 5 mgs is more or less than the 15 balls I am doing.  Do I give this at least another 2 weeks to see if I feel any improvement.?  How would I know if reinstatement is working?  Should my depression be reading up?  I did not take any seroquel last night.  I fought the temptation.  No sleep is wearing me down.  Even if the anxiety could tone it down would be nice.  Any advice on dosing for the pharmacist would be greatly appreciated, thank you for your knowledge and time.

[Quest]

Just now, Quest said:

 

Altostrata, on the 25 the i am thinking I am going to take my effexor to the compounding pharmacist when she's back.  I have a prescription for 5 mgs.  Do I just take in one of my pills of 15 balls and tell her to get as close as that?  I do not know if 5 mgs is more or less than the 15 balls I am doing.  Do I give this at least another 2 weeks to see if I feel any improvement.?  How would I know if reinstatement is working?  Should my depression be reading up?  I did not take any seroquel last night.  I fought the temptation.  No sleep is wearing me down.  Even if the anxiety could tone it down would be nice.  Any advice on dosing for the pharmacist would be greatly appreciated, thank you for your knowledge and time.

Meant to say depression easing up not reading up-

[Littlegrandma]

53 minutes ago, Quest said:

Your story sounds as if I wrote it.  I'm trying super hard to hold on but its just been over 2 weeks and I am not feeling any improvement.  I dont know yet if my body is accepting the reinstatement or not.  I did not take any seroquel last night but it is very hard without sleep.  I have been forcing myself out and have to get groceries and my son to a d from school etc.  I also dislike roaming my house.  The anxiety is such a horrible entity, also sorry that you feel it too, know that youre not alone in this.  I so appreciate all of your time talking with me.  If you ever need me please write, I will get back to you always.  Hugs LG. How do you avoid the mind set of something else might work?  Do you just stay away from the Drs. Period?  You have such strength, maybe some will find me one day~

 

[Littlegrandma]

I hate that you're suffering but I sure understand your pain. Only if you go through it could you possibly understand it. 

 My tremors started when I updosed too high. I went from 10 mg of lexapro to 7.5. I was so sick for a couple weeks, and it just all stopped in an instant. I felt better than I had ever on the drug. I was clearer, more energy. I laughed for the first time in 2 years. 

 I tried decreasing by just .5 mg making my own liquid. I must have screwed it up because I could not stabilize again. 

  I got 1 mg pills from a compounding pharmacy and increased to 8 mg instead of going back to 7.5. 

At the suggestion of my therapist, I went back up to 10mg, thinking I could just start over again. All hell broke loose. I trembled day and night. I got no sleep. Didn't know who I was. My heart rate and BP were so high, I ended up in the ER and they put me on Ativan and BP med. I was so afraid I would have a stroke. 

  I could eat nothing. I lost 20 lbs. I lived on water and an occasional vegetable smoothie. Even now, I'm eating better but can't gain weight. My heart races. I'm doing cardio all day long. 

  I guess I threatened suicide, don't remember, but my family kept a constant vigil. Someone came to pick me up as soon as my husband left for work. 

   This went on for 2 1/2 months. I finally ended up inpatient at Mayo Clinic. They brought me down to 5 mg( too fast), but the trembling stopped. I still have anxiety and w/d symptoms but it is bearable. Can't believe I'm saying that cuz I still feel like hell, but I could not live with the trembling anxiety any longer. 

  I'm sure not a mod or any kind of expert, but maybe you reinstated too high. I think it all the time but I've never wanted to say it to you. 

I felt like I had seratonin syndrome when I increased. I could not sit still at all!!! 

   We spent one week in a hotel in Minn. before they put me in the hospital. I went up and down the elevator all night long. Paced the parking lot, and started smoking again with the other insomniacs. 

   If I dozed off, I would wake up in minutes, screaming with terror. 

Ha.  Wonder what my hotel neighbors were thinking. 

  I am seeing a psych doc next week just to get my foot in the door. But I probably will not take her advice. I know she will try to change meds. She's suppose to be a med "guru". 

  I don't need meds. I had slight anxiety that could have been dealt with in a much easier way. The doc I saw should have stressed exercise, better diet, cbt, meditation, whatever. I feel she pushed that damn pill on me. Biggest mistake I ever made in my life. And I've made plenty. Lol

  i miss my life!! I'm 59 years old, tho after the last few months I look and feel 80. I don't want to waste any more days going through this s&@t. 

  I do have moments now where I feel I'm through this round, get my hopes up, and then back to hell. But the windows are getting longer. I don't take them for granted. 

  Quest, I can't wait til you get some good long windows. We need something to give us hope for our future. 

  I wish you lived next door. I'd bring you a cup of tea and some hugs. 

I am so so sorry you are suffering. And I know exactly the depths of your suffering. Wish I could do something for you. But I think of you a lot. If you ever need to talk, whine, cry......just call. 

I pray your sleep comes tonight

big hugs, lg

[Quest]

50 minutes ago, Littlegrandma said:

I hate that you're suffering but I sure understand your pain. Only if you go through it could you possibly understand it. 

 My tremors started when I updosed too high. I went from 10 mg of lexapro to 7.5. I was so sick for a couple weeks, and it just all stopped in an instant. I felt better than I had ever on the drug. I was clearer, more energy. I laughed for the first time in 2 years. 

 I tried decreasing by just .5 mg making my own liquid. I must have screwed it up because I could not stabilize again. 

  I got 1 mg pills from a compounding pharmacy and increased to 8 mg instead of going back to 7.5. 

At the suggestion of my therapist, I went back up to 10mg, thinking I could just start over again. All hell broke loose. I trembled day and night. I got no sleep. Didn't know who I was. My heart rate and BP were so high, I ended up in the ER and they put me on Ativan and BP med. I was so afraid I would have a stroke. 

  I could eat nothing. I lost 20 lbs. I lived on water and an occasional vegetable smoothie. Even now, I'm eating better but can't gain weight. My heart races. I'm doing cardio all day long. 

  I guess I threatened suicide, don't remember, but my family kept a constant vigil. Someone came to pick me up as soon as my husband left for work. 

   This went on for 2 1/2 months. I finally ended up inpatient at Mayo Clinic. They brought me down to 5 mg( too fast), but the trembling stopped. I still have anxiety and w/d symptoms but it is bearable. Can't believe I'm saying that cuz I still feel like hell, but I could not live with the trembling anxiety any longer. 

  I'm sure not a mod or any kind of expert, but maybe you reinstated too high. I think it all the time but I've never wanted to say it to you. 

I felt like I had seratonin syndrome when I increased. I could not sit still at all!!! 

   We spent one week in a hotel in Minn. before they put me in the hospital. I went up and down the elevator all night long. Paced the parking lot, and started smoking again with the other insomniacs. 

   If I dozed off, I would wake up in minutes, screaming with terror. 

Ha.  Wonder what my hotel neighbors were thinking. 

  I am seeing a psych doc next week just to get my foot in the door. But I probably will not take her advice. I know she will try to change meds. She's suppose to be a med "guru". 

  I don't need meds. I had slight anxiety that could have been dealt with in a much easier way. The doc I saw should have stressed exercise, better diet, cbt, meditation, whatever. I feel she pushed that damn pill on me. Biggest mistake I ever made in my life. And I've made plenty. Lol

  i miss my life!! I'm 59 years old, tho after the last few months I look and feel 80. I don't want to waste any more days going through this s&@t. 

  I do have moments now where I feel I'm through this round, get my hopes up, and then back to hell. But the windows are getting longer. I don't take them for granted. 

  Quest, I can't wait til you get some good long windows. We need something to give us hope for our future. 

  I wish you lived next door. I'd bring you a cup of tea and some hugs. 

I am so so sorry you are suffering. And I know exactly the depths of your suffering. Wish I could do something for you. But I think of you a lot. If you ever need to talk, whine, cry......just call. 

I pray your sleep comes tonight

big hugs, lg

At least you were smart enough to stick with the one antidepressant!  Your story hits so close to home.  I am 50 and also am looking worse for wear right now.  Live in a small town and if one more person comments about how much Weight I've lost i think I'll have a freak😣I too felt that way about summer and am sort of dreading the winter but I am hoping and praying I am strong enough to power through.  I think some days i reinstated too high and then others not enough.  I think it was Mammap that said try 5 balls and because i had some 5 mgs compounded left over i was of the notion, hey just use these  up!  Now look at me..... I'm going to try super hard to hang in there for a bit more time, but it is hard to not listen to the lure of this psychiatrists promise of getting better with just this "pill".  I feel like I'm doing a disservice to my family by not getting better as fast as i can.  Which just doesnt seem to be in the cards this time.  I'm glad you had a good hospital and husband to support you on coming down.  Here, they'd just put you on more drugs not down on them.  If youre getting sleep, you suck that up for all its worth.  Its a healing in that your brain actually stops for a period of time.  I think that's what i crave the most- a break from it all....funny, youre one of my first thoughts too, i always think,  wonder how LG made it through yesterday~.longer windows, how awesome for you, i wish nothing but the best for you my friend.  Have a peaceful night~

[Quest]

On 2017-09-16 at 7:46 AM, baroquep said:

Hi Quest, how are things?  have you been keeping a daily symptom pattern?  know that it can be hard to see if there has been any progress since reinstatement and found that using my thread as a diary/journal of sorts helped me to keep track of things as the days progressed.  Sometimes the changes are so subtle they are easy to miss.  Hope you are starting to feel a bit more balanced and the anxiety is starting to calm down a bit.  When you get a chance, let us know how you are doing.

Baroquep, do you think bioidentical hormones could help with this overwhelming depression, insomnia and anxiety?  I have been trying to search so hard for something to help.  They say pregesterone can help sleep.  The zoplicone is intensifying my anxiety so bad, it's almost like half an hour after taking it and it begins ramping up again.  If I wasn't so weak I feel I could run for days.  I have tried   Everything I know how.  Would lamactil calm my system?  Read where it helped some people....  am just going to start a therapy called brain spotting.... I know I am grasping, but I am trying so hard to be proactive.  My brain is on fire this morning.  

[Quest]

On 2017-09-19 at 4:22 PM, ChessieCat said:

 

Claire Weekes has some excellent tools.  Go to YouTube and type in her name and you will find lots of short videos.

 

Claire Weekes' Method of Recovering from a Sensitized Nervous System

 

Acceptance

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

 

If you want to get off the psychiatric drug merry go round you will need to learn not to turn to them as the solution.  The drugs have caused the problem and are not the answer.  Please see the links I posted above.  In order to get to the other side we have to go through.  Using non drug techniques can help.  It is important to try different ones to find some that work for you and to use them.  We can provide suggestions but you have to do the work.  The suggestions are simple but it can be hard work.  Some may help others may not.  You won't know until you try them.

 

Sleep Hypnosis, Guided Meditations, Calming Videos

Sleep problems - that awful withdrawal insomnia

Am trying to work my way through list, but nothing thus far giving any relief.  I was reading lamactil helped some, do you think it would help calm my system any?  The zoplicone is making more anxiety every time I use it.  Shouldn't this be getting better if I was taking it everyday at the same time?  

[ChessieCat]

On 19/09/2017 at 5:49 PM, ChessieCat said:

Keeping your drugs and doses the same and not adding in anything else will allow your brain to make the adjustments it needs to make.

 

[bubble]

Altostrata will address your drug situation. I would just like to share some of my experience getting through dreadful times. I wrote it for wantrelief but maybe it can give you some comfort as well:

 

I don't do anything fancy when it comes to non-drug coping methods. I stay away from work or if I go to work I'm very mindful and careful. I extricate myself from social contact. I put myself first. I listen to myself and my needs. I believe in the healing power of nature and when I'm at my worst I spend lots of time in nature. Just walking in the forest or sitting in the sun or walking in the rain. If I don't go to work I make myself go through a programme : I do tai chi exercises, a bit of yoga, short mindfulness meditation, healthy eating, long walks in nature, or just sitting in the sun (or rain) on my balcony if I can't make it further. If I can I swim, or go to sauna, spend time with small kids or elderly or positive and simple people and just try to absorb their energy, I read about positive experiences of positive people here on the forum, people who were constructive in their fight, I pray, I read all the positive things I can get hold of, I reject the negative and I stay away from it. I read about people who went through hardship and came out of it (stronger). I read about neuroplasticity and how our brains can recover. Drugs are just not an option for me but anything else under the sun is. 

 

What I do with anhedonia/depression: at those times I say that I operate with a crane: everything feels sooo hard to do, like I need a crane to move me from one place to the next. Mindfulness helps again: just focusing on one thing at a time, setting yourself small, micro tasks and rewarding yourself with just lying on the couch guilt free afterwards.

 

I have come to see anhedonia and depression as a natural protective mechanism of our body/brain system. When we are under stress we burn so much energy that we deplete our inner resources tremendously. The body/brain just pull down the emergency switch on us to prevent further damage and allowing our body/brain to regenerate and direct all energy and focus into healing itself. That leaves us with very little energy for anything else and diverts our attention from anything else (which is actually anhedonia). 

 

14 hours ago, Quest said:

I feel like I'm doing a disservice to my family by not getting better as fast as i can.

 

So not beating yourself about it especially under the pressure of our society to be productive at all times and at all costs is very important part of taking care of ourselves. This state is an emergency call to ourselves to take a better care of ourselves. I don't believe in forcing it away but I believe in floating mindfully through it by setting ourselves micro goals. If this withdrawal is to teach you anything than it is to put yourself first (and second, and third, and fourth...). Now is not the time to think about your family and whether you are failing them. Now is the time to learn some healthy selfishness. A part of why we all had to take drugs is for sure that we weren't good at meeting our own needs and were better to others than we were to ourselves. So we in a way had to get to this extreme state to finally put ourselves first. Maybe the symptoms will start decreasing when you manage to let go off the expectation to get better (as fast as you would want to not do a disservice to your family).

 

Sometimes when I'm particularly bad I just spend the whole day in bed or on a couch (or move between the two and just read, colour, forum... anything that brings me comfort) and do my best not to feel guilty about it. But the next day I take my crane and gently nudge myself towards doing some little things regardless of how much I don't feel like doing it. I make a special point of getting into the nature even if it is just sitting in the park on a bench or something. So I alternate these periods of doing as I feel and doing something despite how I feel. Being in nature just observing what's going on there, listening to birds, trying to tune in with its rhythms even when I can't feel much and stay quite indifferent lifts my spirits a bit.

 

There is that video 7 minutes of magic that I like doing, some breathing exercises.. And I just do them although I don't feel like doing them and don't really feel like it is helping but I believe a lot of these little things and most importantly time will bring relief. Above all I have this blind and desperate faith that I will heal. I practice letting go off worry and fear. They come and I treat them as unwelcome guests and do my best not to engage with them.

 

I know some of these things are not applicable in your situation but I just wanted to give you an idea of how things work for me so that you could try setting up your own path. Last year was very, very traumatic for your brain so it is no wonder it is hurting so much. For me depression is the second stage of recovery which comes after anxiety so it could be a sign that you are moving through recovery stages and are not stuck as it seems. Time is your friend. Now you just have to endure. You don't have to feel better. You can feel as bad as it needs be but practice not being afraid of it and simply wait for the time to pass. Every day and every hour is brining you closer to more and more relief periods.

17 hours ago, Quest said:

There have been one or two hours over the last two weeks where I just felt normal, but not for long

 

This is for me a sign that you are on the right track and that the recovery which is happening will become more and more visible.

 

I wouldn't think about it as not being long. I would just celebrate the fact that it happened at all, even if it had lasted for the seconds. it is the sign that your brain is still well under this storm of symptoms.

[Littlegrandma]

Bubble,

That is an uplifting post. I hope Quest takes as much from it as I have. 

I messaged it to myself so I can read it every morning and more. 

Beautiful.   Thanks, lg

[Quest]

Thank you for taking the time to write such depth, I do appreciate the effort.  You're right in that I have always been the giver and have no idea of role reversal, I certainly wish it was under different circumstances!  Operating on this level is completely foreign to me, I am totally opposite.  Acceptance is the hardest thing I will ever encounter in my life, just have to figure out how to get to this point.  I do appreciate your kindness, I am just always trying to find  something that can help even for a few moments.  The not sleeping is really doing a number on me.  

 

Edited September 21, 2017 by ChessieCat
removed quote

[Quest]

On 2017-09-11 at 1:29 PM, Altostrata said:

 

 

What's important is not how much you're taking, 15mg is not a magic number, but that it is reducing your symptoms. I am concerned that perhaps being a perfectionist about measuring your dosing is making your anxiety worse. I agree with baroquep, simply count out 15 random beads from a capsule, don't worry about the size or dosage in milligrams at this point. Stop fiddling with the scale, put it away to use later.

 

Make sure you take 15 beads of Effexor (and each of your other drugs) at the same times each day. Please keep daily notes on paper about your symptoms, when you take your drugs, and their dosages. This will help track whether a particular drug is causing symptoms.

 

Also, it will help answer the essential question: Have your symptoms changed at all since you reinstated Effexor? If yes, in what way?

 

Yes, you need to give it a little more time to see if 15 beads is sufficient.

Altostrata, this morning from 2:00 am was terrible with anxiety, so bad the tremors can barely stand.  Is this to be expected or am I just not taking to this reinstatement?  I have been in total distract myself mode and nothing is easing this up.  How am I going to get 15 balls compounded?  I have a prescription for 5 mgs. And I don't even know if this is less or more than the 15 balls.  Zoplicone is making me worse every time I take it.  Bubble wrote such a beautiful message and I tried breathing and going outside but nothing is helping.  Is there any way you could help me on how to ask the pharmacist to do this?  I asked shep as well for advice on the zoplicone, should I start shaving this?  It is sept21/17.  Should I start weighing these balls?  I could be changing my dose every day I take it. 

[TryingToHoldOn]

Hi.  Just wanted to offer you some support.  I can hear the panic and terror in your posts and it reminded me of...me.  

Your sleep will come.  I've had insomnia since Dec 2016 with no sleep for two weeks straight.  I thought I had lost my ability to sleep and feel tired forever.  It is by no means great now as I still struggle A LOT with sleep, but it's improved in a windows and wave type fashion.  Very slowly.  

 

I have also experienced terror, anxiety, panic, and suicidal depression.  Not good when you're mother of a 3 & 5 yr old.  Things will constantly change and morph.  You'll experience relief in some areas, others may get worse, or new ones will appear.  Just hold on.  Listen to the moderators.  DON'T PANIC.  They know what they're doing and they've been through it themselves.  It's human nature to want to 'fix' things, but time is our friend and so is being judicious.  

 

Just focus on getting thru this second, then this hour, and then this day.  You can do this,  because you're doing it now even though it's hell.

[ChessieCat]

Are you keeping notes on paper?  The mods need several days of logged symptoms like the example below.  Doing this will give them the information they need to assess your situation.  They may be able to see a pattern.

 

Keep notes on paper about your drug dosages and daily symptom pattern

 

A symptom pattern that occurs regularly over several days could mean the symptoms are from withdrawal, other adverse effects of drugs, or something else you do on a daily schedule.

 

In the course of discussion in your Introductions forum topic, you may be asked to keep notes on paper of your daily symptom pattern, including when you take your drugs, their dosages, and any symptoms.

 

What we need to see for every individual day over several days is:

- Time and dosage for drugs taken in morning
- Time and description of any symptoms in the morning
 
- Time and dosage for drugs taken in afternoon
- Time and description of any symptoms in the afternoon
 
- Time and dosage for drugs taken in evening
- Time and description of any symptoms in the evening
 
- Time and dosage for drugs taken in middle of the night
- Time and description of any symptoms in the middle of the night (such as waking)
 
And so forth. A diary, in chronological order, such as:
 
6 a.m. Woke and vomited
8 a.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
10 a.m. Had diarrhea
10:30 a.m. Ate breakfast
11:35 a.m. Got a headache, lasted one hour
12:35 p.m. Ate lunch
4 p.m. Stomachache
5 p.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
6 p.m. Ate dinner
9:20 p.m. Headache
10:00 p.m. Took 50mg Seroquel
10:20 p.m. Headache got worse
10:30 p.m. Fell asleep
2:30 a.m. Woke, took 3mg Ambien (NOT "took 1/2 tablet Ambien")
2:45 a.m. Fell asleep
4:30 a.m. Woke with headache

 

An appointments diary is perfect for this and can be bought at stationary stores. 

Thay have a page for each day with times for appointments which can be filled in with doses, symptoms etc as shown by Alto.

[Quest]

2 hours ago, TryingToHoldOn said:

Hi.  Just wanted to offer you some support.  I can hear the panic and terror in your posts and it reminded me of...me.  

Your sleep will come.  I've had insomnia since Dec 2016 with no sleep for two weeks straight.  I thought I had lost my ability to sleep and feel tired forever.  It is by no means great now as I still struggle A LOT with sleep, but it's improved in a windows and wave type fashion.  Very slowly.  

 

I have also experienced terror, anxiety, panic, and suicidal depression.  Not good when you're mother of a 3 & 5 yr old.  Things will constantly change and morph.  You'll experience relief in some areas, others may get worse, or new ones will appear.  Just hold on.  Listen to the moderators.  DON'T PANIC.  They know what they're doing and they've been through it themselves.  It's human nature to want to 'fix' things, but time is our friend and so is being judicious.  

 

Just focus on getting thru this second, then this hour, and then this day.  You can do this,  because you're doing it now even though it's hell.

Thank you, I do feel neurotic but can not help it!  It's horrid.  Are you all right?  I am so appreciative of the support ~

[AliG]

Please keep notes as CC suggested. At the moment that is the very best thing you can do. How do you feel it is going?

5 hours ago, Quest said:

 Zoplicone is making me worse every time I take it.

That's what these drugs tend to do.

 

Can you you try to sleep naturally ? What methods have you tried so far?  I have also been extremely sleep challenged so I really do understand.

[Quest]

12 minutes ago, AliG said:

Please keep notes as CC suggested. At the moment that is the very best thing you can do. How do you feel it is going?

That's what these drugs tend to do.

 

Can you you try to sleep naturally ? What methods have you tried so far?  I have also been extremely sleep challenged so I really do understand.

I would love to not take the zoplicone, I'm already not sleeping, not taking that would be half my battle!  I have been taking it for 11 years.  I had actually gotten off it in March until May and then started back on it in August with that remeron.  Remeron didn't even make me sleep....  I had used passionflower, holy basil, and cbd oil and it seemed to do the trick to come off the zoplicone then.  Can't take any of it right now my system is so sensitive.  I am so hoping this reinstatement works but man do I feel bad.  Never thought about dying before, so depressed.  I abseloutely think that remeron messed me big time and I only took 7.5 21 days, 15 mg for 2 days after the 2 week mark and then 6 days at 3.75 mgs to come off.  Every dr. I seen including pharmacists said to just stop 7.5 is minimal dose!  Yeah right!  Every dr. I've seen too has said wean off the zoplicone in 2 weeks by going every other day, after 11 years!  Was told there is no side effects, won't hurt you......  thank you for writing, I know I'm freaking out, I've never been so scared or indecisive before and I truly appreciate all of your guys help.  I will keep a log~ thank you~

[Quest]

Just now, Quest said:

I would love to not take the zoplicone, I'm already not sleeping, not taking that would be half my battle!  I have been taking it for 11 years.  I had actually gotten off it in March until May and then started back on it in August with that remeron.  Remeron didn't even make me sleep....  I had used passionflower, holy basil, and cbd oil and it seemed to do the trick to come off the zoplicone then.  Can't take any of it right now my system is so sensitive.  I am so hoping this reinstatement works but man do I feel bad.  Never thought about dying before, so depressed.  I abseloutely think that remeron messed me big time and I only took 7.5 21 days, 15 mg for 2 days after the 2 week mark and then 6 days at 3.75 mgs to come off.  Every dr. I seen including pharmacists said to just stop 7.5 is minimal dose!  Yeah right!  Every dr. I've seen too has said wean off the zoplicone in 2 weeks by going every other day, after 11 years!  Was told there is no side effects, won't hurt you......  thank you for writing, I know I'm freaking out, I've never been so scared or indecisive before and I truly appreciate all of your guys help.  I will keep a log~ thank you~

How have you managed sleep?  I hope it improves for you as well~

[TryingToHoldOn]

3 hours ago, Quest said:

Thank you, I do feel neurotic but can not help it!  It's horrid.  Are you all right?  I am so appreciative of the support ~

Welcome to the 'neurotic' club.  I have never been so 'not all right' in my entire life.  There are so many people who have recovered so why not us?  Hang in there.

[Quest]

33 minutes ago, TryingToHoldOn said:

Welcome to the 'neurotic' club.  I have never been so 'not all right' in my entire life.  There are so many people who have recovered so why not us?  Hang in there.

What a great attitude, hoping to get there one day.  Bless you~

[AliG]

Quest. I'm sorry for your pain. You asked about my sleep  I have had 2 yrs of no sleep , then a break where I slept 5 nights a week in a slightly normal fashion then after the flu it reverted back to total insomnia. In the land of OZ - I have currently had no sleep for approx 125 hrs. This is ok and in fact is the new normal. I don't stress and know that It will eventually revert back to some semblance of normality as it has already done in the past.

 

Life changes throughout withdrawal and it does take some serious strength and patience to get through it.

 

Please hang in there.

[Altostrata]

11 hours ago, Quest said:

Altostrata, this morning from 2:00 am was terrible with anxiety, so bad the tremors can barely stand.  Is this to be expected or am I just not taking to this reinstatement?  I have been in total distract myself mode and nothing is easing this up.  How am I going to get 15 balls compounded?  I have a prescription for 5 mgs. And I don't even know if this is less or more than the 15 balls.  Zoplicone is making me worse every time I take it.  Bubble wrote such a beautiful message and I tried breathing and going outside but nothing is helping.  Is there any way you could help me on how to ask the pharmacist to do this?  I asked shep as well for advice on the zoplicone, should I start shaving this?  It is sept21/17.  Should I start weighing these balls?  I could be changing my dose every day I take it. 

 

Have you or have you not been taking 15 beads of Effexor XR? 15 beads is 15 beads. You count them out one by one, on a dark cloth so they don't bounce around. Then you pop them in your mouth or in a gelatin capsule and swallow them down.

 

Are you taking 15 beads of Effexor at the same time every day? What time is that? Have your symptoms gotten better or worse since you started taking 15 beads? If they've changed, how have they changed?