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FarmGirlWorks: Sertraline WD - kundalini yoga helping

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RachelSusan
On 11/24/2018 at 1:42 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

Reporting that I feel fragile but stabilized after that last tsunami of darkness.

This is a good report.  Remember that fragile things must be handled carefully. Treat yourself like very expensive porcelain china for a while.  What I mean by that is do all those things that you like during this period, over indulge yourself. For me it might mean staying in bed until 2 p.m. on a Saturday reading rather than doing the laundry.  Or it might mean getting a massage when I should be spending the money on something else more mundane.  Whatever your safe indulgence is try and find it.

RS

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Hibari
On 11/24/2018 at 4:42 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

Reporting that I feel fragile but stabilized after that last tsunami of darkness. The debilitating headache that I had for 3-4 days subsided yesterday morning. I've gone to many more AA meetings; I may dislike Seattle because of the conspicuous income inequality, but sure glad to be getting sober here as there are so many meetings. Have also binge-read SA threads, esp. the one about "acceptance." That is one component of recovery that I have not done and turns out it is the one that matters the most. So yeah, it is okay that I feel depressed and inadequate. It is okay that I had a crazy headache where I could actually feel my brain "stretching" and tight shoulders and occasional cortisol rushes. It is okay that... and so on. I feel quite sad that this is where I am at now -- did not expect it --  but also a bit lighter for just trying to accept myself, my foibles, and other peoples' foibles. Of course, "trying" is the operative word 🙄

I am glad you feel stabilized right now and I understand the feeling of fragility.  

 

Acceptance is a big word for me too.   It has been very hard for me to accept what has happened and still is happening to me. Sometimes I feel crazy with grief about it and sad the way you do because I did not expect it.  

 

I have been reading through your thread and can see your journey unfold over the year.  

 

You are doing it and I believe you are and will heal.  

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Hibari
33 minutes ago, RachelSusan said:

This is a good report.  Remember that fragile things must be handled carefully. Treat yourself like very expensive porcelain china for a while.  What I mean by that is do all those things that you like during this period, over indulge yourself. For me it might mean staying in bed until 2 p.m. on a Saturday reading rather than doing the laundry.  Or it might mean getting a massage when I should be spending the money on something else more mundane.  Whatever your safe indulgence is try and find it.

RS

Great advice.  I want to remember thos for myself.  

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FarmGirlWorks
5 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

I don't know that I could deal with the rains and cloudy skies of Seattle on a 24/7 basis.

Don't get me started... 😭

 

 

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FarmGirlWorks
1 hour ago, RachelSusan said:

For me it might mean staying in bed until 2 p.m. on a Saturday reading rather than doing the laundry.  Or it might mean getting a massage when I should be spending the money on something else more mundane.  Whatever your safe indulgence is try and find it.

Love this advice, thanks @RachelSusan. Thanks for the support @Hibari, @wantrelief and @manymoretodays

 

Just came back from an AA meeting to stay sane-ish. That is definitely a loose definition these days. Also had a sensation around my nose and right cheek of tingling, tiny pin pricks like nerves crackling. This has probably happened about once a month since going off Zoloft; not sure if it is WD or not. I just sat with it while listening to others share.

 

@Hibari, hope the reinstatement is going okay...

 

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Carmie

Hi FarmGirlWorks, 

 

Thanks for dropping by the other day. I see you’re not too fussed on the rainy n cloudy days where you live. RealMe just posted she’s getting one of those light therapy machines. Maybe that will cheer you up!😃☀️

 

I love what RachelSusan wrote on your thread about treating ourselves like porcelain china. I think that one is going into my journal. I actually have a pretty gold n white cup that is my favourite n I treat it so delicately. We need to do that with ourselves too. 

 

Take care, sending sunshine your way from sunny Queensland☀️☀️☀️

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Rosetta

Thanks for visiting me.  You are so kind.  I really appreciated that.

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks so much, @Rosetta: I needed a kind SA post... I've felt pretty sensitive here in the last few days. Ugh. Then my cycle came this morning and I am a smidge less rankled. That and I took l-tryptophan as I was just so damn sad. I prayed to god this morning to help me live through another day of this nonsense.

 

I saw that it's been a while since your cycle. It's so strange when it gets irregular. Not sure if it is meno or WD but whatever, the PMDD is still very much in effect. I think that we're "yo-yoing" (thanks for the term) is a good sign of healing. Skimmed your last post and that Lego set being a collector item now is *crazy.* Good luck with that.

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Rabe

Hi FGW...

4 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

That and I took l-tryptophan as I was just so damn sad. I prayed to god this morning to help me live through another day of this nonsense.

Hi FGW...Im sad that you have been so sad!  You are such a lovely support post here!  And another day of this nonsense is very well said!!!  It is nonsensical...its the first time in my life that I have  truly understand my love of Alice in Wonderland!  Take care of you!!!💜

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks @Rabe 🌈

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Dejavu

FarmGirlWorks, I'm sorry you're having trouble today. You've been so kind to me and others. I'm praying that karma hands you the healing you deserve. I wish I could offer more than moral support. Hang in!!

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Rosetta

Hope you are doing ok, FGW.  Merry Christmas!

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FarmGirlWorks

Hi @Rosetta -- thanks for the check in. I've been trying to upload a "holigrays" card I made to send to fellow SA'ers but upload keeps failing. Oh well. I am okay, feel stable and now that my cycle is done, mood is not so dark. I've been keeping up with your thread, just haven't been writing so much. Merry Christmas to you as well.

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FarmGirlWorks

giphy.gif

 

... to everybody in SA who saved my fragile sanity in 2018. I made this as a play on Seattle and the dark moods of WD.

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wantrelief

Thank YOU so very much for all of your support this year, FGW.  To further healing in 2019 - WR.

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FarmGirlWorks

Update at (almost) 21 months sertraline CT: another member (I think @apace41) said something like, that if you are feeling better, you may feel cautious about saying it lest the Withdrawal Gods come down upon you and wreak harsh vengeance. I am paraphrasing heavily (apologies) but that is exactly how I feel. Yet I know what hope I have gotten when I read that any member is experiencing a Window or Recovery. I have had 11 days of a window and that is the longest one I have had since this whole debacle started. In this window, my mood has been okay -- not happy but not anxious or depressed. I have laughed more easily. I do have a tiny bit of head pressure, frequent headaches, and trouble focusing. But the break in low mood is incredible.

 

It may be situational (I have had a very, very intense core issue come up unexpectedly 7 days ago) and then the holidays and my birthday where I saw more people than normal. But I did not feel jealous or resentful. Different! That in itself was huge.

 

There is fear that another wave will descend again. But healing is happening and I need to remember this. Yes, there is grief about losing my work and starting at square one in middle-age trying to figure out a new path. But it is not as daunting as it was this time last year and for that I am very grateful.

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Dejavu

@FarmGirlWorks, this is wonderful news! I'm very happy for you! I will keep the faith that its mostly sunshine from here for you. You've been very kind to encourage me during my dark moments. It is appreciated more than you know. I've had five days of improvement myself - hopefully headed toward stabilization. Long welcome breaks from the anxiety. It reared its ugly head for a short while last night. My husband and I went out for dinner, which we hardly ever do. The anxiety came on as we sat there, and then I began to feel that everyone could tell there was something wrong with me. It didn't stop until I was back at home. But I'm still glad I went. Then tonight, return of depression. Strange how crying gives me relief afterward. I'm hoping that these are just little stumbles and I can continue to stabilize. I must become functional again.

 

I know what you mean about the jealousy. We didn't ask for this - our only crime was following doctors orders. I try not to get caught up in the unfairness of it all, because my main focus needs to be recovery right now, but sometimes its hard to keep the right mindset. Anyway, I'm praying that your road will be much easier to walk from now on!

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RachelSusan

FGW,

This sounds most promising. It is very hard when we go from a window back to a wave, let's hope you don't.  But if you do, you have been through this before and you know how to handle it.

9 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Yes, there is grief about losing my work and starting at square one in middle-age trying to figure out a new path.

This is indeed difficult, very.  But you got this. You will figure it out.

 

9 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

if you are feeling better, you may feel cautious about saying it lest the Withdrawal Gods come down upon you and wreak harsh vengeance.

I have felt this so many times. But let us defy  them, let us dance on top of a table and thumb our noses at the Withdrawal Gods. Let's dare them.  We are stronger than they are in the long run.  Short term they may have us, but long term, well we will prevail.

 

Happy New Year's to you FGW.

Rachel

 

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FarmGirlWorks

@Dejavu and @RachelSusan, thanks for the kind thoughts. I love the image of dancing on a table and telling the WD gods where to go. Believe me, I have thoughts about that. Let's hope for a recovery-filled 2019.

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Rabe

I am so happy to read about your loooong window, FGW....a true blessing for you and hope for us all!  Wishing  you the same this New Year, FGW.  💜

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks @Rabe: I hope 2019 is good to you.

 

So I could not upload this image the normal way on this site, so made a Giphy of it that lasts 15 seconds. Then there is a random owl. Anyways! I made this bow-and-arrow piece for the lobby of my building which is a subsidized space for artists. Please note that the little girl (my bio-grandmother) is aiming at symbols of ugly things in our world but what I have in there that SA may appreciate is images of pills (top left in green). We are all going to put that arrow into pharmaceuticals!

 

giphy.gif

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ConfusedSarah

Hi, FarmGirlWorks.  Happy New Year!  I am so glad that you have had a window.  I also fast-tempered off Sertraline, it makes me feel hopeful to read of the progress of people like you who are farther along in the journey.  Happy belated birthday, and I am hoping for further healing for you.  

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Rosetta

How nice!  I'm really glad to see you had a long window!!  Love the artwork, too.

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Altostrata

Thanks for the art, FGW. Happy new year!

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Rabe

WOW FGW!!!!  I LOVE your art piece!  You are so talented!  And I would have missed the pills...that is wonderful that you put them in there...Im going to envision all of us with our bows and arrows in hand form now on !  Bless you for sharing and may 2019 be kind! 💜  

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FarmGirlWorks

Noticing that sleep and nutrition are essential to this fragile stability. Friday got 7 hours which was okay but minimum. Saturday was at a friend's place on a nearby island; slept in a small trailer with my dog. There was a thunder-and-lightning storm with high winds and the trailer was rocking. I would have been okay but my poor pup freaked (she sat on my head) and, because of that, I only got a few hours. Yesterday, I returned and had to clean my place and go to an unexpected AA service meeting. And then this morning, got up early for a service position at another meeting. Also, this week through the weekend, I had sugar and gluten. 

 

I did go back to bed for a couple hours this morning and noticed I have slipped into a bit of depression and lots of insecurity.  I have pre-TOTM hormonal shift (I am perimenopausal but still monthly) which contributes to the downswing but I hope getting back to the habit of proper sleep and nutrition will smooth the edges.

 

 

On the good side, I was noticing as I drove early this morning that while I was feeling down, I no longer am anhedonic or feeling like a husk of a human being, the walking dead, zombified. That was so so hard... and it does slowly go away. Withdrawal changes, just like life.

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ChessieCat
30 minutes ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

slept in a small trailer with my dog. There was a thunder-and-lightning storm with high winds and the trailer was rocking. I would have been okay but my poor pup freaked (she sat on my head) and, because of that, I only got a few hours.

 

Just having to cope with your dog, even if it had been during the day time and didn't disturb your sleep, would have been plenty to increase your symptoms.  My dog was the same, and it is very distressing for the owner coping with a terrified dog.

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RachelSusan

Well FGW,

 

Welcome back to the land of the living. No zombie land for you.  I know you are tired but you still sound like a full 100% human to me.

 

I just now saw your art work.  Love it.

 

I hope you continue to improve.  By the way, I am sorry you didn't sleep and I'm sorry for your poor pup's fear but I still like the image of him/her sitting on your head.  I love all critters and hate when they get frightened like that, but it's nice that your pup derives comfort from your presence.

 

Rachel

 

 

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Rosetta

Hi.  Yep, similar issues with me.  The hormones are very disruptive.  It's easy to feel that everything is wrong, but it isn't.  It really feels that way.  So, it's important to not think about how we feel, but try to look more objectively at our lives.  The anhedonia is pretty odd, isn't it.  It's really obvious when it lifts.  I hope you a good day. -R

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Rabe

Hi FGW...so glad to hear that there have been some positive things happening. 

On 1/7/2019 at 2:10 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

Withdrawal changes, just like life.

I liked that FGW....so true.  Take care of you!!💜

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks @ChessieCat @RachelSusan @Rosetta @Rabe for your support. Very much appreciated.

 

 

23 hours ago, Rosetta said:

It's easy to feel that everything is wrong, but it isn't.  It really feels that way.  So, it's important to not think about how we feel, but try to look more objectively at our lives.

This is so true. As my TOTM is due today or soon, my mood has taken a big downswing. Plus I feel like I should be able to be more proactive about Life especially since I've been so out-of-commission the last two years. And I am in a long-distance relationship that has not been working as is so I need to have a Big Talk (because the bf is not doing this at all, just following my lead). But it stresses me out and increases the scattered thoughts. I guess having to deal with life without pharmaceuticals, alcohol, or cannabis and at an older age makes everything feel so raw. But I was feeling stronger just last week so this may just be hormones wreaking havoc.

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Rosetta

It is downright freaky how you and I are so often on the same page.  

27 minutes ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

This is so true. As my TOTM is due today or soon, my mood has taken a big downswing. Plus I feel like I should be able to be more proactive about Life especially since I've been so out-of-commission the last two years. And I am in a long-distance relationship that has not been working as is so I need to have a Big Talk (because the bf is not doing this at all, just following my lead). But it stresses me out and increases the scattered thoughts. I guess having to deal with life without pharmaceuticals, alcohol, or cannabis and at an older age makes everything feel so raw. But I was feeling stronger just last week so this may just be hormones wreaking havoc.

 

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Rabe

You have lots going on FGW...just sending my thoughts your way!!💜

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