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FarmGirlWorks: sertraline WD - kundalini yoga helping

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jen84
On 5/13/2018 at 10:56 AM, FarmGirlWorks said:

I just read the thread about Claire Weekes. She is beloved here at SA and this is the time to learn how to deal with this anxiety. I feel like recovery is being prolonged by not. I tried to listen to her several months ago but could not abide by her prim voice (audiobook)

Hi FGW, I found Claire Weekes to be really helpful when I first started trying to understand my anxiety. I bought one of her books, and read it in record timing... It is a small book, but still. I hope it helps even just a little bit for you. 

 

My New counsellor is urging me to listen to Abraham Hicks, I havent listened to her much but so far I find her way of communicating is easier to listen to. YouTube has a boat load of her videos.

 

I'm glad your physical symptoms are easing, and i hope that with time the anxiety, depression and cortisol ease for you as well. 

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FarmGirlWorks

Hi @jen84: ah, memories. I think what I mainly took away from CW is not to add secondary anxiety to anxiety. And, even if you feel badly, to keep putting one foot in front of the other even if it is very slowly. I am skeptical of AH but whatever works in this shite. I just finished the book "Death Grip" written by a world-class climber who had a hard(!) benzo experience; his POV is similar to mine and I really related. Afterward, he accepted his darkness and is learning not to be afraid of it.

 

I went thru a black depression, recently, enhanced by hormones (oh joy to be a woman) but am now past it. There is a new situational/life major stressor which has created anxiety but as the stressor is good, the anxiety doesn't seem so awful. Still have head pressure and cog fog but counting blessings that the depression has lightened.

 

How are you?

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Rosetta

I'm really glad you are feeling better, FWG.  A good situational stressor?  It's great that you can look at it that way.  I recoil from any stress, but I have noticed that I can see the upside of some events now whereas I used to see everything as a negative.  I consider that a very hopeful sign.  I hope UTI have a lovely Sunday.  -Rosetta

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks @Rosetta... that depression was deep and black, as bad as the first year. I'm glad to hear you are able to see some stressors as not all negative. Definitely hormones play a big role. As soon as TOTM happened, depression began to lighten. And hahahaha: love that you put "UTI have a lovely Sunday." That made me smile.

 

"Good" situational stressor is as intense as I have ever experienced: made contact last Sunday night with my biological father. Core shattering, identity shifting, beautiful and terrifying. I told another member here that I was really going to try to avoid situational stressors but can't avoid what life throws at me. Well, a few days later, life threw me a big one. Meeting him in a few weeks. He is almost 82 and I am 52 so procrastination is not an option.

 

Plus I broke up with someone yesterday. Necessary but sad.

 

Vis-a-vis WD, I feel so ashamed that I have to meet him with this crap still hanging over my head. While the depression has lifted (right now), it has been replaced with anxiety and excitement. And I still have cog fog, head pressure/headaches, bad sleep. However, I talked to another adoptee who met her bio-father when she was in acute WD from benzos and drinking and snorting coke: he saw her when it was really bad. So I can be thankful that I am not drinking and the day I meet him will be my 2 year anniversary from sertraline CT. Just being as careful as I can right now, reaching out so I do not go crazy.

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Rabe

Oh FGW...that is so exciting!!  I am so happy for you!  I hope you continue to feel better and that things go well!  Hugs!💜

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RachelSusan

FGW,

 

Wow, this is big, making contact with your bio Dad.  I can see why you might be anxious and excited at the same time.  As the day gets closer both feelings may possibly ratchet up higher. Just remember we are here for you.

 

Sorry about the breakup. Breakups are indeed difficult, but it sounds like you are able to process it and work through it. 

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FarmGirlWorks
3 hours ago, RachelSusan said:

As the day gets closer both feelings may possibly ratchet up higher. Just remember we are here for you.

Word to the max. I will definitely write an update(s) regarding this. I am just putting one step ahead of the other and trying to be more disciplined so I don't go down to rumination rabbit hole. Thanks @RachelSusan and @Rabe.

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Dejavu

FGW, how exciting to meet your bio dad! I'll be thinking of you on the big day. You've got this!!

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks @Dejavu... I don't exactly feel like I've got it but I usually do. In emojis, I feel like meeting him as such: 😱😬😳💪😃... can't find the vomiting emoji but that really covers it.

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FarmGirlWorks

I just got an email from "PharmaSolutions" to be part of a drug trial they're doing regarding "generalized anxiety disorder." I wrote back a soft, sensitive message about how Big Pharma has made my life great:

 

Subject: F*&K YOU TO HELL

Remove me from list. Zoloft withdrawal has made my life HELL the last two years.

 

(I guess I haven't let go of anger towards them 🙂

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Rosetta

((((FGW)))). Good luck meeting your dad. -R

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India

@FarmGirlWorks just started to read through your journey. I know that snow flake experience well. I seem to be in a wave again so even writing gives me a headache.  I will check out the neuro audio book. Sorry if you have answered already. Did you get any memory/cognitive issues?

what is your theory on ssri withdrawal, or at least, what has underpinned your journey? I like that everyone brings their unique perspective made up of different research and self report. This is truly the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. 8 months in and still on 6mg I get despondent but I must try to lift myself like others here are.

 

Congratulations on the gains you’ve made and the strength you shown in the face of difficulty. Plan to head to the Emin exhibition next week. 

 

Good luck with your meeting of your bio-father. 

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FarmGirlWorks

Hey @India, sorry that you're in a wave. WD is so very hard.

 

 

6 hours ago, India said:

what is your theory on ssri withdrawal, or at least, what has underpinned your journey? I like that everyone brings their unique perspective made up of different research and self report.

I don't think I am smart enough to have a theory; the moderators and certainly some of the success stories have theories though. I believe, have faith, that neuroreceptors in the body are damaged and need lots of time to grow back. I wish there was a magic genie who could tell me how to make this go faster and think maybe I am messing up by not taking this supplement or that or being able to afford therapy or being too isolated.. etc etc. What underpinned this journey so far has been nutrition in the form of food not supplements, kundalini yoga, and finding a couple truly supportive people and losing toxic people who don't believe in WD.

 

Still, it's been rough. Situational stressors galore... thinking about the past year is truly shudder-inducing. And there is more to come with the first meeting of the bio-father and older parents. And watching "Leaving Neverland" which, as a childhood sexual abuse survivor, the anhedonia made me feel like a robot while watching it but the Oprah show regarding it at least drew tears. I wish I could have sobbed... not now though.

 

6 hours ago, India said:

 I will check out the neuro audio book.

I don't remember any of it so doubt that it was very helpful. Maybe in the time, it was. But forgotten like everything else read it seems. It's like I have to read or listen to stuff every day to maintain memories. Right now, though, everything I am reading is about adoptees.

 

6 hours ago, India said:

This is truly the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. 8 months in and still on 6mg I get despondent but I must try to lift myself like others here are.

Yes yes and yes: I've had a brain tumor and a 17-hour craniotomy and, while I had to learn how to walk talk eat again, this has been much harder and longer. I told my spiritual teacher a few weeks ago that I lost both my body and my mind and losing the mind is a far worse fate. I have been reading the Success Stories for an art project (so excited you're going to the Emin show... reviews have been mixed but the bad ones make me like the work even more). I suggest reading Success Stories as much as possible when you're in a wave. That and distraction.

 

Hope this helps and lmk what you think of the Emin show. Thanks for stopping by.

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JackieDecides
On 3/12/2019 at 1:27 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

I just got an email from "PharmaSolutions" to be part of a drug trial they're doing regarding "generalized anxiety disorder." I wrote back a soft, sensitive message about how Big Pharma has made my life great:

 

I'm glad you told them! 😡

 

FGW - I have not followed your story closely (I am not keeping up with many people so far) but I read you will be meeting your Dad and I want to congratulate you for being so brave. I look forward to reading about the meeting. 

 

I'm trying to wrap my head around the idea of a good stressor and I need to think more about it. maybe I need to be more welcoming of the challenges that keep showing up - what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger...it's a good outlook. 

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FarmGirlWorks

My story is pretty much like everyone else's here (with some funny bits) so no offense if you don't read it. Thanks for the congrats, much appreciated. It is terrifying, nausea-inducing, and awesome. Like I said, I go from fetus to 52 in 60 seconds. I copped "good stressor" from my acupuncturist who said it doesn't matter what it is, the body registers stress the same. And certainly some stressors (depression, family health crap, crazy neighbors) are objectively "bad." Definitely affects my mood and outlook. Just when there is something that is an intense, "good" stressor, it is still a stressor and needs to be treated with kid gloves. As much as possible anyways. Be easy on yourself: this is hard stuff.

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FarmGirlWorks

A mixed update as I approach two years: a friend said he saw a "slight sparkle" in my eyes this morning after seeing nothing but dead shark eyes the past two years. I did feel better briefly this morning -- just the usual head pressure/headache/cog fog -- but feel crappy enough now that I've canceled plans to go out and guzzled magnesium water. Just going to stay in and start a batch of kombucha as a neighbor gave me a scoby. I don't know if I drink enough to handle it all but it sure has been helping my gut. Now passing week 3 of my TOTM cycle, so I know that usually a big negative mood swing happens in the 4th week. It will be interesting how the mood plays out as I am meeting bio-dad on April 1 [insert excited and vomiting emoji]. The anxiety is ramping steeply (I already got a stress blemish). In the last 2 years, anxiety then turns to depression afterward. It might not this time, who knows.

 

After two years, I finally am feeling flashes of "acceptance."  For instance, I may have cognitive decline from WD and perimenopause. But I can't change that. I can work on Lumosity brain games (although studies fine them marginally helpful) and exercise my thighs more (saw the link between cognition and thigh strength here on SA). But ultimately, if cognition has declined, worrying about it will not help. Me just stupiderer.


One other improvement: tinges of empathy. Like I used to read SA in fits of desperation (for a way out of this hell) that often turned to irritation toward some users. But now, I just feel sadness that we are all going through this and such mad respect for the mods' diligence and compassion. Big shout-out to the mods!

 

I saw someone at kundalini last week who went thru a 2+ year WD and is on the other side. She said she had been thinking of me and how am I? I said, I've finally caved into the fact that this is a time game. It's like I have a prison sentence -- length unknown -- and I am just doing my time day by day until I'm free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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wantrelief
14 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

I am just doing my time day by day until I'm free.

I liked this description, FGW.  The day will come when you are free!

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RachelSusan

Hi FGW,

 

Checking in to see how you are going.  When is Bio Dad Day?  How's everything else?

 

I'm doing pretty good right now.  I been holding with my tapering since the last taper produced a lot of symptoms.  I am enjoying my time off from tapering. It's almost like being on vacation. 😀

 

 

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FarmGirlWorks

Hi @RachelSusan, when you taper is it like being in a window? I am so glad you feel like you're on vacation, I hope it is someplace sunny in your mind 🙂 I had a window around the New Year and would love to feel like that again. But certainly not as bad as it has been. Also got my TOTM early (stress?) and starting to feel less dark and muddy in the head today.

 

Bio-dad day is April 1st, April Fools Day. Seems appropriate. I've already planned pranks for the airport (he is in Denver). I could prank him too ("Hii! Not your daughter, just wanted a free trip to Denver.") but I think I'll suppress that urge. Maybe. Also have a fear that even though this will be a huge (if not hugest) event in my life, I won't be able to cry (thanks, Pfizer). Deep breaths, acceptance, acceptance.

 

Thanks 4 checking in.

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RachelSusan

Yes, after I clear the taper it is like being in a window, very nice.  Then I taper and in about 5 to after the taper symptoms come back, but they are fairly light.  I have symptoms until about about day 25 and then they start to clear and good until the next taper.

 

I love your sense of humor.  If you were to pull  a prank on B Dad I wonder if he would appreciate it? I say start with a small prank and get a feel for it, if he laughs that's good. Also he may also have a sense of humor, maybe that's where you got that DNA from? Do I understand correctly, that you are flying to Denver and spending some amount of time with him?  I kind of though you would start slow, with maybe a cup of coffee?  I guess if he lives a distance away there is no way around it.  No wonder you are stressed, it's kind of like getting married on the first date. OK, now I have stressed you more.  I hope not --- Just my sense of humor. 😀

 

Hugs!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

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FarmGirlWorks

Hahaha: I love your sense of humor too, @RachelSusan, for the record.

 

He does have a sense of humor (he refers to it as "piquant" which I don't even know what that means) although my dead bio-mom's obit specifically mentioned her "wry wit" so I think I inherited her humor genes. I always go full-in, headfirst on this kinda stuff. My life goes in spurts of bordeom (WD) and high drama -- what is this world in-between?  I actually wanted to meet in June when I hope to go to NM ($ unsure) but he insisted on April if he helped pay for it. And, frankly, I wanted to do it sooner too. Less rumination, more in-person drama. He's a painter and professor and performer (theme wedding officiant) so I doubt I'll be bored.

 

And yes: it is like getting married on the first date 😝 My friend who was going thru a hellacious benzo WD when she met her bio-dad in another state said her soon-to-be-ex-bf said, "It's like you're in love with your dad!" It is kinda like starting a very intense, non-sexual relationship from the start. I am extrememely lucky that he is so communicative; he wrote two books about public speaking, one entitled "Get In Bed With Your Audience... and Satisfy Them Every Time"... that def makes me giggle). Anyways, a lot of communication is usually not the case in a reunion. I am very lucky.

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RachelSusan

So we can refer to April 1 as BD Day from now on?  Bio Dad Day.  I hope you will be able to keep us posted during the trip and not make us wait until you return home.

 

I can understand the excitement as well as the stress of it all. It sounds really good and really promising. I've got my fingers crossed for you that it works out the way you want it to.  And if for some odd reason it doesn't, well turn it into some sort of high drama.  You said you were practiced with high drama, so that can be your back up plan. You know, just in case....🌪️

I think it will be really good though.🎉🌷 🌈

 

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Rabe

Sure will be thinking of you , FGW!  VERY exciting and yes stressful...how could it not be both?  But it is so exciting and I am so happy for you!  Love and hugs to you!💜

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JackieDecides
On 3/26/2019 at 12:34 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

"Get In Bed With Your Audience... and Satisfy Them Every Time"

 

very funny!

 

I hope things go well and can't wait to hear about it. stress, yes, but hopefully in a good way.

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FarmGirlWorks
On 3/26/2019 at 4:43 PM, RachelSusan said:

So we can refer to April 1 as BD Day from now on?  Bio Dad Day. 

@RachelSusan: April 1 was known to me as my WD "anniversary" (ugh) but I like changing it to bio-dad day. And, as ever, my favorite day of the year.

 

Thanks @wantrelief, @Rabe, @JackieDecides for the well wishes. The feeling I have now way transcends "nervousness." Very spacey, almost like I am tripping on drugs. Ha! No drugs anymore and this is all it takes to reach that state. I can't even fathom Monday. Anyways, thanks you guys, you awesome brave warriors.

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FarmGirlWorks
On 3/26/2019 at 4:43 PM, RachelSusan said:

So we can refer to April 1 as BD Day from now on?

Yes, April 1 is now even more my favorite day of the year; I had to do the "I'm not your daughter... April Fool!" though. He laughed hard. Pretty obvious that we are related.

 

I know it is not customary to post a pic on SA but I am so flippin' proud that I did this meeting even in WD. Headache and cog fog present but not sure how I can integrate WD into such an intense experience. I did do a reunion with my half-sister and bio aunt (maternal) ten years ago and do remember feeling more "with it" mentally.  But hell: this was totally different. We cried, looked at photos, read journals, hiked, swapped dirty jokes, spoke Yiddish, and petted lots of dogs.

 

Like I might have said before, a friend of mine was going through acute benzo WD when she met her bio-dad a few years ago so I was prodded by that. Yes, I am intimidated by his wicked intellect and education but I might have been anyways. Who knows? Just so glad, so very lucky.

 

giphy.gif

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wantrelief

So beautiful, FGW....it sounds like you had an amazing time together.  I am so happy for you!!  💗

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RachelSusan

OMG, I am flipping out because this is so great.  This is so absolutely wonderful. I am so glad you did your April Fool's Day joke. The picture is beautiful.  You both look so happy, so content, and so comfortable with each other. The body language speaks volumes. You are leaning into him, he has his hand on your shoulder, and both of your smiles say it all.  I would make a print of this picture and keep it out somewhere in your house.  And you did this visit while in withdrawal. You SHOULD be proud. Wow!!!!!  Congratulations.  This is huge. I am so happy for you. Thank you so much for telling us about it.  You have made my day as well.

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Rosetta

I'm happy for you that it went well.  How nice.  I'm sure you are relieved about that and happy that you were able to meet despite your situation.  No time to "waste."  -R

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Dejavu

How fantastic, FGW!!! The picture is wonderful. He looks very proud of you. And you should be proud of yourself!!! (((((Hugs)))))

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks, @Rosetta and @Dejavu. I also read the New Yorker article on the flight there which not only distracted but made me so happy... I was doing fist pumps in the rental car office.

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Rabe

SO happy to hear the news, FGW!  LOVE the picture!  You two look alike!  It is a beautiful picture and a beautiful story!  Thank you so much for sharing!!💜

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FarmGirlWorks

I sent out the New Yorker article (I'm sure it was a big thing last week) to about 6 people who say they "believed" me. Honestly, it was coming from a place of "See? Not crazy! It's in the New Yorker! I met Laura and she is a real person." I thought it was a totally egoistic thing but the best response I got back was from a friend whose niece has been prescribed psychodrugs for depression. My friend said that she'd be sure to send the article to her sister and advise a slow taper over months instead of weeks.

 

That is the best outcome I could have hoped for: that one person will be helped. Totally surprised, grateful, and do not feel like it was crazy to reach out now.

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FarmGirlWorks

25 months sertraline/zoloft free after 6-week taper

 

Am feeling better... knock on wood. It is mid-cycle which always means mood is lighter. Just 10-days ago I had SI (still!) and just read all day because I felt like I couldn't do anything else. So, when I can, I take advantage of increased energy. Head pressure and headaches are still there but have lessened. Acupuncture has helped; she works on the gallbladder meridian which has residual toxicity from the drugs. Also I started taking Evening Primrose 5 days ago, 3x/day. Am really hoping that helps alleviate PMS/PMDD.

 

I am slightly more clear about a "path" out of this as I look back on the smoldering wreckage of the last two years. Volunteering in death care this summer to get back into it and then applying as of late-October to funeral homes and seeing where that lands me. I have a license as a funeral director but haven't been in the field for over 8 years so not sure how that is going to pan out. But I don't feel as hopeless as I did the last two years. The cog fog is lifting gradually, very very gradually. I still don't feel "normal" and not as "good" as I did during my turn-of-the-year window but this all feels a lot more bearable than previous months.

 

The past two months with the bio-father situation (still intense AF) waylaid my art project which is due in a couple days. But I am committed to making it happen as a chip in the wall of psychiatric drugging. It was telling though that I feel better as my prescribing nurse practitioner friend told me yesterday that she and her colleagues are going to the APA convention in SF. I didn't feel a white hot flash of anger! I just said, "there will probably be protests." We know where each other stands but, on my part, there was no emotional judgement. That was unexpected.

 

We are all getting there!

 

 

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