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FarmGirlWorks
On Shared Stories, Art and Healing
Posted by (Inner Compass) TWP Staff on July 2, 2019.
Text that reads I Walked Through Hell and Somehow Survived It. Paxil.

ICI/TWP Contributor Cindy Olejar interviews Kelly Davis


“Withdrawal Looks Like,” digital artwork by Kelly Davis, appears at the Brain Injury Alliance of Washington 11th annual art show at the Seattle Art Museum from June 5 to July 22, 2019. Inner Compass Initiative contributor Cindy Olejar interviews Kelly about her experiences of brain injury, psychiatric medication withdrawal, and healing through shared stories and art.

~~

Cindy: How did you get involved with the Brain Injury Alliance of Washington (BIAWA) and its art show? 

Kelly: I am a two-time brain injury survivor. The first traumatic brain injury was an acoustic neuroma which was surgically removed in a 17-hour operation in 2004. I had to learn to walk, talk, and eat again. I remember that I was at a card table with three stroke patients and we all had towel bibs on and were trying to drink from a straw in a milk box. I was the worst of everyone and could not get the straw into my mouth. I thought, "This is as low as it can go without dying." 

But art has always been a part of my life. When I was a little girl, I filled up notebooks with drawings of princess fantasy stories and continued to draw through high school. My second job in 1991 was at the Seattle Times as an editorial assistant; however, I spent most of my time in the art department where I felt more comfortable. After that, I taught myself graphic design and did it professionally until I began withdrawing two years ago.


Cindy: So you also suffered injuries to your brain caused by psychiatric drugs? Was the brain tumor or withdrawing from psychiatric medications more challenging to recover from?

Kelly: When I tapered off Zoloft, an SSRI antidepressant, my body was thrown into unimaginable chaos. Symptoms included suicidal anxiety, dark depression, nausea, “burning” skin, cognitive and memory disability, head pressure, headaches, brain zaps, dizziness, inner body tension (often called akathisia), extreme weight loss, and insomnia. Thankfully, I discovered the online forum SurvivingAntidepressants.org and I realized that my symptoms were not a "relapse of mental illness" but withdrawal, and that I might be in for a long haul healing my body from the effects of SSRIs. 

With the brain tumor, even though I still have physical remnants like single-sided hearing, balance problems, and tinnitus, I always had my mind. However, now I've had the misfortune through withdrawal of losing both my body and then my mind – and the latter is far worse. People came around and supported me after the brain tumor because they could wrap their head around a physical malady. That social validation was critical. But psychiatric medication withdrawal is invisible.

The other element that is hard is wanting to believe you can "positive think" your way out of withdrawal and believing that somehow you are "bad" for not being able to. But you literally have to grow a new brain to heal! You don't expect to run on a broken leg until it's healed and it's the same with a brain.


Cindy: Your digital art piece for the BIAWA show is called “Withdrawal Looks Like” – what inspired you to make it? And how is the act of creating art helping you in your own process of recovery?

Kelly: For last year’s BIAWA show I created a felted brain that was stitched together piece by piece; it was therapy for me to express that a brain could be broken up and then stitched together, and still be quite beautiful.

During withdrawal I lost so many people from my life because for me, like for many others, withdrawal presents on the outside as unnatural fear, laziness, and bizarre thinking. This reminds me of Nina Simone’s song lyrics, "Nobody knows you when you're down and out." The horror of the withdrawal experience is impossible to explain and difficult for people to understand. I clung to the stories of recovery on SurvivingAntidepressants.org to validate what I was going through.

So this new art piece includes quotes from people about antidepressant and benzo withdrawal that were posted on SurvivingAntidepressants.org. I wanted to illustrate how the withdrawal experience is what is going on internally, inside the brain, while the pills, which I drew on the outside, are the external cause. The bold text – and in some ways the whole art piece – is a way to proclaim that there is no shame in any of this. One of the worst symptoms, I think, is the shame for having gotten on the psych drug merry-go-round. That comes up so much in people's posts, too, and is so understandable.

Plus, talking is hard for me! Being able to access different synapses in my brain through expressing myself in creative ways has helped me come to a deeper understanding of what I've been through. 
 

Cindy: What is the message you hope others will take away from seeing your art or hearing you share your story?

Kelly: I want other people who might be suffering in withdrawal to know that they are not alone and definitely not crazy! I started a Meetup group, which only met 4 or 5 times because I got too sick from the withdrawal to continue organizing it. Membership ballooned to over 50 members in just two months; more withdrawal support is so needed.  

I also hope that prescribers might see this artwork, read it, and consider giving more information to patients about the risks of using psychiatric medications and the potential difficulties of getting off them. I've had a prescriber talk to me after reading “The Challenge of Going Off Psychiatric Drugs,” the April 2019 New Yorker article about psychiatric drug withdrawal. This prescriber was truly searching her conscience; I love that she was taking responsibility for her actions.

And I want friends and family to realize that a withdrawal sufferer is to be believed. That is personal, I guess, but I count as gold the folks who have believed and supported me through this harrowing time. I want that for others, too.

Antidepressant and Benzo Withdrawal Looks Like, by Kelly Davis

"Antidepressant and Benzo Withdrawal Looks Like," by Kelly Davisgray dividing line

woman with brown hair in black shirtKelly Davis was adopted and raised on a dairy farm in central Pennsylvania and currently lives in Seattle WA. She is a two-time brain injury survivor. The first traumatic brain injury was a large acoustic neuroma removed during a 17-hour surgery in 2004. The second was iatrogenic damage caused by antidepressant withdrawal. She works in graphic design and cares for dogs. Her art is typically wool felt and she is in the process of creating pet cremation urns for LittleOwlUrns.com. However, she has created more digital media in the last two years focusing on psychodrug withdrawal and activism.

 

woman with hat on kayak on a pondCindy Olejar was coerced into taking psychiatric drugs that included Effexor and Clonazepam for 15 years. The longer she was on them, the worse her health became and not once were the drugs ever considered by the doctors to be the cause of her declining health. There are no words to describe the unprecedented, horrible experience withdrawing from these pills. You can read more about her story here. She is a nutritional therapy consultant with Nutrition in Seattle and author of several early reading children's grammar books called Find the Cat and More

 
 

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FarmGirlWorks
Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Wow.  That you were able to go to Pride!  That is amazing isn't it?  That crowd and all.  

 

I understand about the odd emotions.  They are disturbing.  Feeling good can feel too good.  I'm having very strong feelings tonight.  It's 5:20 am.  I need to distract because I'm profoundly sad, but seeing that you are doing so well helps me.  We will be ok.  

 

I haven't read the article about you.  I don't want to sign up for something else right now.  It won't let me read it otherwise.  I hope that article makes you feel heard and that it helps others.

 

Thanks @Rosetta for reminding me that the link is wonky: worked fine for some and then for others it said you had to sign up. I hear you on not signing up for anything else right now. I assiduously unsubscribe from email newsletters. Sometimes I just want to disappear digitally. I have not done social media for over a year which seems normal now. I don't miss it.

 

Pride was cheery -- gorgeous day here -- and handled the crowd okay. My friend and I went to the Seattle Center for the post-parade festival and that was crazy packed. I knew I couldn't handle that much flesh so we went to a nice cool public house where we just chatted.

 

And, I hear you on feeling sad. I'm deep down in the hole -- haven't been like this since February -- and just trying to accept that I am deeply sad and forgive myself (in the moment) for feeling that way. It could be partially hormonal (my cycle is getting more irregular) and there is a lot of grief being dredged up by meeting my bio-dad. I mean, he has been open and caring but new feelings, buried feelings are burbling to the surface and it can be hard.

 

I started seeing a therapist last week about this subject -- it is too much. I did say first off though and exactly like this, "One thing: if you ever suggest psychiatric drugs I will walk out the door. Trust will be broken."  He said, "Well, I can't prescribe." I said, "But you can suggest and I will say one more time I will leave immediately if you suggest it." He said, "Then it is safe to say you are anti-psychiatric drugs?" 

 

"Yes, yes it is."

Edited by FarmGirlWorks

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Rosetta

Yes, I suppose there would be some emotion surrounding that issue and for him, too.  The cycle matter as well.  Ugh.  There should have been research to indicate that women's cycles and psychiatric drugs don't mix well, but, of course, maybe there was!!  That wouldn't see much sunshine, would it?!  I'm glad you retreated to a quite place.  Good call, and it's good that your friend was ok with that, too.  

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manymoretodays

Oh FGW!  And wow, lot's going on for you now.

And oh my, yes, just to be believed, as well as more judicious prescribing, and information/education, understanding, alternatives,  from the get go, and changing paradigms completely, and........

 

I so hope you are doing Well too.  Life is really something sometimes!  And I mean that in a good, good, kind, kind way!

 

Where are you at with the kundalini yoga these days?

 

Many thanks,

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

 

Oh yah......women and their "moons" or cycles.  They used to have sweat lodges for that time.  I have always been a bit thankful for my early menopause!

 

 

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FarmGirlWorks

Oh hi @manymoretodays, so good to hear from you. Thanks for asking about kundalini, one of my fav subjects these days.

 

Kundalini is uprooted as well -- when it rains it pours. The studio was in this gorgeous chapel at a church. It was a half dome and had the best energy. Inscribed on the main wall were the words, "Be Still And Know That I Am God." Loved that. Tragically the church was "Seattle-ized" (demolished) and we left June 1. Lucky to have had that sanctuary during the worst of WD. It felt and was shaped like a womb. I jokingly said that I gestated in that space and then was "born" on June 1 with a trail of placenta spilling onto the street outside. Now classes are at different locations and, the biggest change of all, is I started teaching a class two days ago in my building's community room. Was feeling better when I made the decision to do this so remarkable that I pushed thru the other night and did it for the attendees. Felt like dying. But the initial purpose was to deepen my practice and also make sure I didn't fluff it because the routine was broken.

 

In September, starting a 9-month course (!!!) in Foundations. The three teachers are well-known in this world and I feel so fortunate to have the opportunity to study with them. And, while I accept that how I feel is how I feel, I really really hope I feel better by then. I didn't take this course before because of WD (and so glad I did not!) but now think I can even if my cognitive and memory is still impaired. Sigh.

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manymoretodays
On 7/4/2019 at 12:09 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

Kundalini is uprooted as well -- when it rains it pours.

And ah, yet,  it sounds like congrats are in order.  The teaching.  And then the 9 mos. course, starting in September.

Ch ch changes, which honestly, do sound like you have embraced.

 

Oh yes, and the womb of the Inipi/sweat lodge comes to mind, reading your reply.

 

Good, good.

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

 

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RachelSusan

Great article.  Thank you for coming forward with your own story.  You are an impressive person.

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JackieDecides

I couldn't get the link to work without signing up and (even though I kind of want to check out that site anyway) I am just not in a place where I want to sign up for even one more thing. so thank you for copying the interview here.

 

I thought it was excellent! 🙂

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FarmGirlWorks
Posted (edited)

Thanks @JackieDecides... mainly thanks to the eloquent posters here. And thank you too @RachelSusan

Edited by FarmGirlWorks

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FarmGirlWorks
Posted (edited)

Was procrastinating for a hot second today by reading an online article in the Washington Post about a recently released documentary film about Michelle Carter, the 17-year-old who was convicted of manslaughter (and sentenced to 15 months incarceration) because she was on the phone when her friend killed himself. She was convicted of encouraging him to kill himself and blamed for it -- even though both had tried to kill themselves multiple times before, he had an abusive dad, and a generally crap situation. Dr Peter Breggin testified on her behalf because she, at 17, had her medication (drugs) switched from Prozac to Celexa. Ugh. So she is being pilloried as "evil" when she was extremely unstable AND dealing with a seriously suicidal person who presented an intense situation. On the PHONE.

 

I will just say that personally, when I was in the depths of anhedonia/SI, a loved one could have dropped dead in front of me and I wouldn't have cared... so, thank god I was not presented with a suicidal person at that time because I cannot imagine that I would have made good decisions. It makes me sick to think about but that is real.

 

I guess the documentary takes a nuanced view of a tough situation instead of just proclaiming her "evil" like mainstream media. I have not seen it but want to see if the issue of ADs is addressed. Then I read the comments where trolls live and skitter out from under their rocks. And I found myself "having" to write a short post about the reality of antidepressants clouding a person's judgement especially in A KID. I wrote that Eli Lily and Forest Labs are the real ones who have that boy's blood on their hands.

 

I haven't checked the backlash but have no doubt there is vitriol. But some people are at least seeing it.

 

 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/arts-entertainment/2019/07/10/michelle-carter-encouraged-her-boyfriend-kill-himself-this-filmmaker-tried-figure-out-why/?utm_term=.708570c528a3

Edited by FarmGirlWorks

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FarmGirlWorks
Posted (edited)

28 months  post CT from sertraline/zoloft update:

 

The Good:

  • more motivation and ability to prioritize and accomplish simple tasks. For instance, for roughly two months I have been working on a portfolio web site with LOTS of content but little design, ie repetitive, organizational work. It is the first "big" job I've attempted in over two years. And I am doing it and not getting too wigged out about the client being a PIA.
  • rarely need to nap unless directly connected to flux of hormones before period -- then, it is like I have narcolepsy and have to sleep, not able to "fight" thru it.
  • met a friend who has also had TBIs in the form of concussions and also went thru a bad WD for a year-ish. So we both joke about how bad our memory is and being formerly suicidal. Good times. She recently was able to go back to work at a high-level but 35 hrs/week and less stressful than pre-meds. So the good part is that there is life after this and seeing acceptance of limitations.
  • sense of humor more often, writing skills improving (that may be because sometimes my bio-father corrects my grammar in emails 🙄).
  • sometimes make faster connections in my brain -- can "feel" it.
  • Kundalini yoga practice continues and am even feeling well enough to lead a class

The Bad:

  • headaches, crankiness (could be hormone flux too), a bit of head pressure.
  • anxiety about future work, lack of clarity around what will be do-able (realistic expectations), feeling isolated with what I do now but not focused enough to make a plan to change it
  • self-pity (always helpful) that I ever got on the psych drug merry-go-round due to the culture and dysfunctional medical system, that I had a brain tumor that affected my motor skills so greatly that there is an inability to manage my emotions thru cardio, and that I may face even more bouts of depression with age.

The Ugly:

  • residual anger and resentment at people who deserted me while I was sick... some have begun to reappear again and I still feel a lingering sense of betrayal
  • fleeting SI

Acceptance is The Key. Trying to be in acceptance at least a little bit each day until it catches. Would be lying if I didn't say I hope this will be over tomorrow... but what choice do we have but to persist? Each day we make it through is another day closer to full recovery. And it does happen. Objectively, I am improved today over where I was last summer (although as a friend pointed out: not such a high bar to be better than horribly depressed and suicidal). But here we are. And I will be better next summer, hopefully this will just be a (very) bad memory by then.

Edited by FarmGirlWorks

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RachelSusan

FGW,

I am impressed.  What powerful and insightful thoughts. Thank you for sharing this, I can learn quite a few things from your post.

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Rabe
13 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

hopefully this will just be a (very) bad memory by then.

I hope do too FGW! 💜

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persistente

Thank you. Your posts and story mean a lot to me. I am 22 months off. I can relate so much to you. Looking fowatd to your future impressive posts and improvements.

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks @Rabe, @RachelSusan and @persistente. Love your handle, persistente, because that is so important in how we get through each minute, each hour, each day -- we persist.

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Elyssa143

@FarmGirlWorks 

I really enjoyed your last update. Ive followed you since the beginning it does seem you are improving quite well? Correct me if im wrong. You said fleeting si? Is this the intrusive si? Like it comes and goes sometimes? Im definitely improving still have really tough days but it seems every month is getting a tiny bit better. Im so glad to see your doing better. I truly cant wait until your success story. I just have so much fear of getting worse so its nice to see this. 17 months for me this month!💗 love and light!

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FarmGirlWorks

17 months: way to go! I remember 17 months like it was only 11 months ago. Thanks for the support. As for "fleeting SI" versus "intrusive SI" you are spot on. It comes and goes but not is there for hours/days at a time. Like I had some today: my throat is sore and I have felt depressed for at least a week. But it flits in and out and does not stay like it used to. I hope that happens for you soon.

 

 

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persistente

I am 22 months off everything. (24 months off sertraline). As the time passes, I am improving. Similar to both of you. Elyssa, you will be even better. When in wave, accept that it is a wave, nothing else and nothing more. 

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Dejavu

What a wonderful update FGW!! No one deserves it more. May the windows stay wide and clear as you head into the final leg of this long, strange trip. You've absolutely got this!

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JackieDecides
On 8/1/2019 at 3:59 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

Acceptance is The Key. Trying to be in acceptance at least a little bit each day until it catches. Would be lying if I didn't say I hope this will be over tomorrow... but what choice do we have but to persist?

 

I need to check in on you more often - I only see you've posted when I get an email update and they don't come very often, and yet I am "following" you so why don't I see notifications from your thread up in the upper right hand corner of my screen...?   not having a "smart" day: I moved to Oregon and even though I had acclimated to the higher elevation in Colorado Springs - and I thought coming down here would feel great - the humidity is killing me. and this isn't the humid part of the state: I'm west of the Cascades....

 

anyway, I quoted what you said because it is SO MUCH TRUTH. acceptance is everything and what I constantly, constantly find myself trying to avoid. run away! argue! anything but accept. and yet it's the most important thing, isn't it? 

 

I call myself "Jackie Decides" and on good days I am GLAD it's me in charge, but the having "no choice but to persist" part reminds me how much (especially on a not good day) I wish I had another option. what, I have no idea but I am tired of persisting, just at this minute. 

 

 

On 8/5/2019 at 11:04 PM, persistente said:

When in wave, accept that it is a wave, nothing else and nothing more. 

 

when I feel good I am sure I will always feel good. when I feel bad, same thing.  I don't ever know what a wave is but I think in a good way. I think I just have ups & downs normal for someone who doesn't have a stable life. 

 

I start a new job Monday and am afraid - really should be writing this on my thread, shouldn't I? 

 

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FarmGirlWorks
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

I moved to Oregon and even though I had acclimated to the higher elevation in Colorado Springs - and I thought coming down here would feel great - the humidity is killing me. and this isn't the humid part of the state: I'm west of the Cascades....

Interesting... I know, more oxygen and what not. I was in Denver in April and noticed that I just "felt" better. You'd think it was the reverse. I think the dryness had something to do with it.

 

3 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

I think I just have ups & downs normal for someone who doesn't have a stable life. 

 

I start a new job Monday and am afraid - really should be writing this on my thread, shouldn't I?

I think even those with a stable life have ups and downs. I'm in AA and a person today, who seems to be the picture of wealth and stability, was saying he's "in a funk." And obviously, he was.  It is normal unfortunately. I always hope there is a mythical "finish line" that once I cross it with stable emotions, money in the bank, a house, a partner THEN it will be okay. And, of course, that finish line keeps moving so I always want more. The key, which I am so trying to make a habit, is acceptance. I feel badly right now and am having a hell of a time accepting that.

 

And yes! Write on your thread that you are afraid about Monday and a big change! You'd be abnormal if you weren't a bit afraid; there's a list of life's biggest stressors -- spouse dying, divorce, moving -- and new job is right up there. And you just moved. I did that once -- move to a new state for a new job and bf and within two months lost my job and bf and, coincidentally, was diagnosed with something bad and had to be hospitalized -- and thought I would lose my mind. And you're in WD to boot. Give yourself credit! I sure am.

Edited by FarmGirlWorks

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JackieDecides
6 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

The key, which I am so trying to make a habit, is acceptance. I feel badly right now and am having a hell of a time accepting that.

 

ME TOO!!!!!! 

 

6 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Give yourself credit!

 

well, thank you

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FarmGirlWorks
Posted (edited)

Dancing in that liminal region between withdrawal and situational anxiety -- that is: not sure which is which, just know that I feel fragile and a little rough. But not suicidal so what an improvement!

 

Had a blow-out fight with my new (original) bio-father this week and still licking wounds. Word to the wise: do not get into an email fight with a former English professor. Words were said that cannot be taken back but we are at a truce and at a place of more realistic expectations. Sigh: relationships are hard. But I hear they are worth it.

 

Anyways, regarding withdrawal, I went for acupuncture a few days ago to relieve insane head pressure (it worked). Still feel like I have cog fog but was also talking to a whip-smart friend who is now officially menopausal and she said that "brain fog" is too much for her so she is going to explore HRT. It is just impossible -- and, frankly, moot -- to tease out if the cog fog is withdrawal or perimenopause.

 

Good times. But so glad that I am not where I was a year ago and ESPECIALLY two years ago. It does get better... slowly.

Edited by FarmGirlWorks

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Elyssa143

@FarmGirlWorks so nice to read. Im sorry about the fight with your bio-dad. Relationships are never easy and then especially in this! Im glad you guys are at a truce. Im also glad accupuncture has helped you! And how nice to see its tough anxiety but not suicidal anymore. Also for you to say that ur glad ur not where u were is awesome. I hope to be there soon too! I am still very much struggling but definitely improving! I look forward to your success story soon!!!

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FarmGirlWorks
35 minutes ago, Elyssa143 said:

I look forward to your success story soon!!!

ME TOO!!!

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persistente
On 8/14/2019 at 9:30 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

Dancing in that liminal region between withdrawal and situational anxiety -- that is: not sure which is which, just know that I feel fragile and a little rough. But not suicidal so what an improvement!

 

Thank you for writing. Perfect description of my last few days. 

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FarmGirlWorks

29 months post CT from sertraline/zoloft update:

 

One month seems like it has flown. And yet, no lie, I was hoping Month 29 would see "complete" recovery. Alas.

 

The situational anxiety has been HIGH all month. I have endured a big fight with my bio-father which saw me lose at least a few pounds from stress; the anxiety was off the charts. I could only keep down rice with chicken broth for days. Fortunately, we had a good heart-to-heart in person and strengthened the relationship. He also took me to Haagen-Daaz to get me a sugary chocolate thing to help put back on some of the weight lost ❤️  I traveled to Denver to see him for four days and meet a bunch of his friends/neighbors which is inherently stressful as it elicits core feelings of shame at the strained relationship I have with my adoptive family. Also a 1/2 brother was informed about my existence while I was there and he didn't even say "hello" to me. Jerk. I slept very little. Then, I drove to New Mexico which was crazy long. Visited the kundalini "mothership" and also friends near Santa Fe. While it was perfect and I feel like all the "right" things happened and the "right" people were seen, I have been exhausted all week. Part of that may be that my cycle came as soon as I returned.

 

So symptoms include this month: mild head pressure, headaches, cog fog, mild anxiety/depression, mild DP/DR. What am I doing to continue this long, long recovery?

  • I went to acupuncture a few days ago and that really helped tamp down the headache and literally pain-laden knots in my shoulders. 
  • Going back to kundalini
  • Resuming meditation practice
  • Sleeping A LOT
  • Going to first Al-Anon meeting to deal with old family dynamics -- head already blown
  • Going back to AA. It's been hard this month with dog boarding but after Labor Day... [sagebrush blows down the road]

The other stuff are still in the mental stage and I feel so foggy to deal with them. Hopefully that will ease as I resume a regular schedule. Acceptance is key -- I know, I know -- and so, so hard.

 

Edited by FarmGirlWorks

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wantrelief
13 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

So symptoms include this month: mild head pressure, headaches, cog fog, mild anxiety/depression, mild DP/DR.

I am sorry to hear you are experiencing these symptoms but the good news is that you have described most as "mild".  You did so well getting through the situational stress before your trip. I wonder if now you are in recovery mode from your trip and the stress of all of that (even if it was good stress it sounds like a lot to have gone through).  I am really hopeful you will be seeing some improvements (hopefully soon!) as you get back into your routine.  Thinking about you - WR.

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks @wantrelief: I already feel a bit more emotionally stable after my cycle ended yesterday. True, the symptoms are milder which gives me hope that they'll disappear. I read a story on Mad In America last night about a psychiatrist who tried Seroquel to see what his patients were talking about. Like how he describes the almost instantaneous cog fog. For me, the physical symptoms are less frustrating than feeling like my brain is trying to swim in molasses. Sometimes I think "was I always like this and I just have forgotten because it's been so long?" But no, I don't think so. I had that wonderful window at 21 months and felt so clear.

 

Rebuild brain! Rebuild!

 

https://www.madinamerica.com/2019/08/psychiatrist-tries-antipsychotics-seroquel/

 

ps: MIA also has a great media article about how Marianne Williamson has been pilloried by the mainstream press for her absolutely true statements about ADs. What a twisted world we live in.

 

Edited by ChessieCat
removed blasphemy

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direstraits
20 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

MIA also has a great media article about how Marianne Williamson has been pilloried by the mainstream press for her absolutely true statements about ADs. God, what a twisted world we live i

I saw this before....so discouraging.

 

well,the media is owned by big pharma,aren't they.

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FarmGirlWorks

Indeed @direstraits,MW's treatment is unsurprising and yet disheartening.

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Elyssa143

Hey @FarmGirlWorks hope your doing better. Do you have the windows and waves? If this process was linear this would be much easier lol. But I did see you saw it is more mild now. Mine seems to be ad well definitely havi g easier days but the hopelessness and thoughts still suck. But something seems different the past few days. Hopefully theres more healing :)

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FarmGirlWorks

Hi @Elyssa143: same as when we messaged last week... I guess yes, I have better times and then not so good times, so yes, windows and waves. Still not as clear-headed as I'd like to be but confident of getting there. You will too, just hang in there.

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composter
On 8/1/2019 at 3:59 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

met a friend who has also had TBIs in the form of concussions and also went thru a bad WD for a year-ish.

 

Hi FGW, just catching up on your thread and I see this! (Above.) It is absolutely eery how similar this friend's story is to mine! I was put on my AD bc of concussions and went into bad WD.

 

How did you meet this friend and how often do you disclose that you went through ADWD?

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FarmGirlWorks

Hi @composter... we both suffered TBIs (her multiple concussions from car accidents, mine brain tumor) and WD (her a cocktail of benzos and ADS, mine "just" zoloft).  She has turned into a friend I see at least once a week if not more because we glommed onto each other after meeting a few months ago due to being able to talk openly about all this stuff and laughing about stuff like having been suicidal. She is almost 20 years younger but really the humor and common experience trumps the age difference. The good news here is that she has pulled out of WD. She went back to work in a high-functioning professional position in April *but* it has less hours and stress than what she could do before drugs and TBIs. She is going thru a stressful situation right now and this is a good reminder (thank you) to keep a closer eye on her.

 

How are you doing? I love in your signature that a tool listed is remembering the waves WILL PASS. Good reminder!

Edited by FarmGirlWorks

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FarmGirlWorks

I started a "program" yesterday to train my brain to learn to "feel" more deeply. The theory (on anehdoniasupport.com) is that because our neural pathways are atrophied from drugs that the brain needs to relearn the positive-thinking pathways. Her example is of an arm that is not used for six months, the nerves degenerate rendering the arm "useless" until the nerves are retrained to be used again. And she also has a good example of supplements and such being gas and the neural pathways being a gas pipeline in the car. Block the pipeline and it doesn't matter how much gas/supplements you throw into it, the car still doesn't start.

 

And frankly it is the same as AA gratitude lists so it is killing two birds with one stone (what a horrible phrase). All I do is spend 10-15 minutes each morning writing down positive things. For example: this tea tastes good, rumble of traffic outside, the dog is snoring, the cashmere blanket is cozy on my toes, etc etc. Has to be new each day, each time. Like lifting weights for the brain. Minimum time to do it is 16 weeks. So I figure now until around the turn of the year. Can't hurt. And if it helps me feel more, well hurrah. 'Cause I fake it well but mostly I feel uneasy and irritated.

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