success ☼ FarmGirlWorks: sertraline WD - kundalini yoga helping

[FarmGirlWorks]

Went to a wedding the other night and it was surreal. And a step forward for me in that I did not get angry or go full Cujo on someone. Progress!

 

The wedding was for my friend who is a nurse practitioner and prescriber. Long story short (and some of it may be in my earlier posts), she came to my aid when I was having a panic attack in month 4 but told me that I was being crazy, had a "disease," and needed to get back on drugs. I said no and we were estranged for at least a year until she came back to me and apologized. That took courage and I appreciated it. Now we don't see each other often and do not talk of drugs.

 

Sooooo, she and her wife had a quirky wedding at the central library (a puppet read Khalil Gibrahn and a drag queen emceed for example). At one point, the drag queen asked the guests to raise their hands if they were "prescribers." At least 70% of the guests raised their hands.

 

Wow and ugh. And I knew who to kick on the dance floor 😜

 

It was fascinating to experience all this thru the lens of no psychodrugs and sobriety. A "band" called "Benzo *******" kinda sorta not-really performed half-heartedly. Many of the people had a vacant quality in their eyes. I mean yes, obvi: I am jaded, cynical, and skeptical about psych drugs. But truly, a lot of the guests had a distant, out-to-lunch demeanor. Yeah, they seemed "happy" but in a drugged way. It made me sad for our culture and where western medicine has gone.

 

*************

Edited September 24, 2019 by FarmGirlWorks

[FarmGirlWorks]

Been having a few rough days of spiked anxiety, the inability to concentrate or sit still. I've gotten lax about WD recovery coping skills and had to dig into the dusty toolbox: epsom salt baths, herbal tea, "changing the channel," and distraction. And, just now I read all the way through my thread (🤕 + 😩 + 😴) as I approach 30 months to remind myself that progress has occurred. And -- HFS  -- what I read reminded me that I've experienced *super-major* stressors that would have been destabilizing even on psychodrugs:

• many, many breakdowns and near-death accidents in the car
• adopted father almost dying -- twice -- and mother having psychotic breaks (deliberate word choice), cruelly abusive outbursts, and meddling spates by telling me to get back on drugs; being treated derisively by adopted father, brother, and niece. Deciding that I needed to extremely limit contact with family
• fired one primary care doc and two therapists
• breast cancer scare
• demolishing of yoga studio that was a surrogate home
• kundalini and white tantra workshop experiences that were intense and core-shattering
• and, making contact with my bio-father and starting an intense, late-life relationship fraught with primal emotions, fears and identity changes

This bulleted list seems so, well, paltry when I reflect back on it. There was more. Plus enduring all this in WD with the loss of people (I no longer even call them ex-friends), health (mental and physical), and general crazy. Oy vey. We all have crosses to bear, this is just mine.

 

By reading my thread, I did pull out a few gems below (credit where credit is due). And realizing that while I do feel anxious, I don't feel nearly as bad now as I have in the past. The head pressure is almost imperceptible and no headaches -- that is amazing in itself. So, I will change the channel, surrender, and keep on keepin' on.

 

[And, in addition to those attributed below, thanks to @Rabe @wantrelief @Dejavu @composter @DMV64 @JackieDecides @Elyssa143 @Kristine @India and other members and esp the mods @Altostrata who are brave, courageous warriors.]

 

*******************************************************

 

“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.”
― Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis

 

It will end and, before it ends, it will get better. @Rosetta

 

I realized how tightly I hold onto others -- family, friends and foes -- in my mind no matter how they have treated me or vice versa. Was able to visualize "loosening" that emotional death grip so that I could move more freely. They are not "paying rent" in my mind, so they can be kicked out. @powerback

 

WD is  like a prison sentence -- length unknown -- and I am just doing my time day by day until I'm free.

 

Remember that fragile things must be handled carefully. Treat yourself like very expensive porcelain china for a while. @RachelSusan

 

"Sansho Shima" which refers to "devilish obstructions" when we are trying to change.

 

What I took away from Claire Weekes is not to add secondary anxiety to anxiety. And, even if you feel badly, keep putting one foot in front of the other even if it is very slowly.

 

I feel like my 1990 Corolla is a metaphor for me in WD: it is being beaten and dented but still keeps going.

 

Life keeps throwing the biggest curve balls. This time it is good (bio-father) but our bodies do not know the difference between "good" and "bad" stress.

 

It is hard wanting to believe you can "positive think" your way out of withdrawal and believing that somehow you are "bad" for not being able to. But you literally have to grow a new brain to heal! You don't expect to run on a broken leg until it's healed and it's the same with a brain.

 

I told my spiritual teacher a few weeks ago that first I lost my body and then I lost my mind: losing the mind is a far worse fate.

Edited September 26, 2019 by FarmGirlWorks

[JackieDecides]

On 9/23/2019 at 11:02 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

she came to my aid when I was having a panic attack in month 4 but told me that I was being crazy, had a "disease," and needed to get back on drugs. I said no and we were estranged for at least a year until she came back to me and apologized. That took courage and I appreciated it. Now we don't see each other often and do not talk of drugs.

 

what a great learning experience this is going to be for her - as, sooner or later, she is going to realize how wrong she was!  

 

 

9 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

This bulleted list seems so, well, paltry when I reflect back on it.

 

not at all, you have face major challenges and you are clearly so much stronger for it.  I am so impressed with your post!! 😍

[RachelSusan]

Your self awareness is impressive. The things you are going through are not paltry.  Anyone of them alone is enough to cause giant pain.  The quote below really stuck with me. 

10 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

It is hard wanting to believe you can "positive think" your way out of withdrawal and believing that somehow you are "bad" for not being able to. But you literally have to grow a new brain to heal! You don't expect to run on a broken leg until it's healed and it's the same with a brain.

 

[wantrelief]

12 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Been having a few rough days of spiked anxiety, the inability to concentrate or sit still.

I am so sorry to read you've had these symptoms....so hard.  Look at all you've been through plus WD (!!) - you have amazing inner strength and so much courage, my friend.  You are such a survivor and you will pull through this latest wave.  

[Rosetta]

Wow.  That is a lot to handle!!  You are doing well.FGW! Very well for enduring all of that.  You get credit for sure.  The family stuff is just awful.  I am Very glad I do not have a sibling.  Very glad.  How dare he?  I hope your sister in law is understanding.

[FarmGirlWorks]

@Rosetta: yes, siblings are rough for me. You are lucky. My adopted brother hasn't spoken to me in years unless I visited him specifically and has never once asked about my life. Bio 1/2 siblings are not much better. I am actually letting it go... finally. 💔

 

@wantrelief @RachelSusan@JackieDecides: thanks for reading. Your support always means the world.

[Dejavu]

You've been through a great deal - far from paltry. You have had to deal with stressors that are existential in nature and which would cause anxiety in the very best of circumstances. I think you're a rock star. Let it all fall away. It will. 

 

Here's hoping this is the final withdrawal adjustment and it's smooth sailing from here!

[composter]

On 9/23/2019 at 11:02 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

At one point, the drag queen asked the guests to raise their hands if they were "prescribers." At least 70% of the guests raised their hands.

 

Wow and ugh. And I knew who to kick on the dance floor 😜

 

It was fascinating to experience all this thru the lens of no psychodrugs and sobriety. A "band" called "Benzo *******" kinda sorta not-really performed half-heartedly. Many of the people had a vacant quality in their eyes. I mean yes, obvi: I am jaded, cynical, and skeptical about psych drugs. But truly, a lot of the guests had a distant, out-to-lunch demeanor. Yeah, they seemed "happy" but in a drugged way. It made me sad for our culture and where western medicine has gone.

 

FGW, this scene feels like something straight out of a dystopian novel. Unreal. What the heck. I would have walked OUT! I was in a class last week where the guest speaker described being put on Xanax to manage anxiety caused by thyroid issues and I really wanted to engage him in conversation about that but the situation was not private enough to do so. Yuck, I hate the word “prescribers” and I hate that it is considered an honorable thing to do/be. 

 

Western medicine has really gone off the rails, and has very little answers in the way of chronic diseases and mental health.  I’m reading books about Eastern medicine right now and the philosophies are too profound to even grasp. There’s a profound analogy that Western medicine treats the body as a machine and the doctor is a mechanic, while Eastern medicine treats the body as a garden and the doctor as a gardener. A few books to recommend in this vein if you’re interested:

 

- Slow Medicine

- The Web That Has No Weaver

- One Straw Revolution

[FarmGirlWorks]

Thanks for the suggestions @composter, much appreciated.

 

Yeah, "scene from a dystopian novel" is an apt way to describe it. Yesterday I saw and talked briefly to a friend-of-a-friend. I know that last year she was "diagnosed" "bipolar" because she was doing things like throwing herself from cars and other self-harming acts. Sigh. So they put her on some kind of benzo (forget which one(s)). I have not seen her since before then and know she is a highly-intelligent, artistic, chatty and charming, FUN person. Not anymore. She was pleasant in a Stepford Wife kind of way. Pleasant and vacant. I feel that as I get further away from drugs, my personality is coming back -- such a surprise and it takes me aback sometimes. So, I was saddened to see hers numbed, hidden behind glassy eyes. It will come back someday, I hope, but wish there had been another "answer" for her other than these drugs.

Edited October 14, 2019 by FarmGirlWorks

[FarmGirlWorks]

Talked with a friend who has Hashimotos that presents in her brain and she, like myself, is a Kelly Brogan fan. She just read the latest book and says a LOT of it is about how harmful antidepressants are. Ordered it and cannot wait. Thought folks here too might be interested.

 

https://www.amazon.com/Own-Your-Self-Surprising-Authenticity/dp/1401956823/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3IFVQGN5O55HS&keywords=kelly+brogan&qid=1571686936&s=books&sprefix=kelly%2Caps%2C196&sr=1-1

[FarmGirlWorks]

32+ months off Sertraline

Came here to see how other folks are doing as it has been a while since popping in. Not sure if I am "recovered" or, more likely, there is healing to go but subtle shifts and the main issues are mostly situational rather than the chemical hell of withdrawal. It is so tricky. I did not have anymore physical symptoms -- head pressure and headaches -- for two months in Sept/Oct. Also, the heavy depression lifted. I mean, I did not feel joy but I did not feel like sitting and staring at the computer.

 

And then there was an intense month 10/31-11/30. My bio-father who I met 9 months ago came to stay with me a few days in my home (first ever relative to visit me), we took a 3-week trip thru Germany/Venice (went thru historic flood), Vienna, and Poland (Auschwitz). Cannot even say how frustrating, healing, fun, and intense it all was. Every day was logistics and navigation in four different languages and lots of emotional processing with my father. Oh, and my adopted mother almost died in week 3 and my adopted father called me for the first time EVER in my life when I was in Vienna. Did I mention intense? Now back here and feeling the old WD feels of deep malaise and sadness and a little head pressure. Also SI again which sucks and is so egotistical. Kinda feel like it may be "normal" to be in such a state now, like shock.

 

Is it too much to just want to be happy and easy?

 

Whatever the case, I am writing a Success Story as they were the biggest inspiration for me in worse times. And when I feel ready to post it, will, but right now that feels a little inauthentic.

Edited December 5, 2019 by FarmGirlWorks

[wantrelief]

Wow @FarmGirlWorks look at all you've been through in one month!  That would be enough to greatly impact someone not recovering from withdrawal.  It must be really difficult - beyond difficult - to be feeling the withdrawal symptoms again after a reprieve.  But....the good news is that your brain got you to a much better place before so you will get back there.  I am wondering if you need some recovery time from everything that happened and then things will settle back to where you were before the previous month happened.  You are such a fighter and an inspiration.  You are going to be posting that success story soon, my friend.  

 

 

[Glosmom]

Hi @FarmGirlWorks, you were one of the first stories that I read when I joined SA that inspired me to believe there was hope and healing for my daughter.  I can not believe it has been 32 months, as you had just reached zero shortly before I joined!!  How wonderful, that you navigated through all of the peaks and valleys of your trip and family events!  Don't underestimate how the stress of all that is playing into your current mental state.  I look forward to reading your success story whenever you are ready to post it.  It is NOT too much to ask for happiness, peace and ease......it is possible and can happen!  Life will never stop 'coming at' any of us, but maintaining a peaceful state of mind through it all, is where most of us strive to land. 

 

Blessings to you!  Glosmom

[FarmGirlWorks]

Thanks @wantrelief (see you soon). And that was very sweet, @Glosmom: how is your daughter doing?

[JackieDecides]

On 12/5/2019 at 2:01 PM, Glosmom said:

It is NOT too much to ask for happiness, peace and ease......it is possible and can happen! 

 

amen!

[Glosmom]

Hi @FarmGirlWorks Thanks for asking about Glo. She is hanging in there. Her baseline is slowly improving and her good moments are showing up more often.   Still has a long way to go to get back to normal, if that is even possible. But she is heading in the right direction. Thank you for asking!  

[FarmGirlWorks]

33 months post CT sertraline:

 

At 33 months, there are still ebbs and (currently) flows of healing. I am not quite there yet although I do feel better (esp compared to the horrid early time) and more motivated as we move thru the liminal days between xmas and nye. As of yesterday, my energy started shifting into a more motivated space from a dark place and for that I am grateful. Symptoms that tenaciously remain are:

• occasional head pressure
• depression/anxiety
• dizziness
• memory loss
• cognitive decline (but improving)
• fleeting, occasional SI

The dizziness tends to worry me as the brain tumor presented in several ways, including dizziness. But the others are present so I think it is more likely WD than anything else.

 

To deal with the depression, I am going to a dance class one time per week. That helps with challenging my brain to move in different ways and gets blood flowing in there. Also doing a cross-crawl exercise when waiting for the elevator (see below vid) ro help sync the two hemispheres of my poor battered brain. I also have a sticky note on my home screen to remind myself of artists and thinkers with depression who still did significant works: it helps.

• S Beckett
• Beethoven
• Van Gogh
• David Foster Wallace
• Georgia O'Keefe
• Agnes Martin
• Sylvia Plath
• Hans Christian Andersen
• Baudelaire
• Ingmar Bergman
• Wm Blake
• Winston Churchill
• Mark Twain
• Leonard Cohen (tried Paxil but turned to Buddhism)
• Charles Dickens
• Janet Jackson
• Akira Kurosawa
• Lincoln
• Joan Miro
• Oppenheimer
• Rothko
• Jim Carrey
• Neko Case
• Dolly Parton (Parton believes that most of her depression stemmed from menopause and the regret that she had never had children).

Hope everyone on SA has a healing and hopeful 2020.

 

)

Edited January 1, 2020 by FarmGirlWorks

[Elyssa143]

@FarmGirlWorks 

Happy New Year.  Im sorry your still dealing with this I understand the frustration.  I thought it would be alot better by my time too. I am glad to see you say you are better. When you state the si is it the intrusive thoughts or the feeling of not wanting to do this anymore? Is it really bad still or just random and doesnt bother that much? Also the depression is it much better than in the beginning? Do you feel like life is worth the effort now and you can be confident in your healing? I can understand that the dizziness would be concerning is there a way to just confirm your brain is in fact ok since you did have an issue before? Love and light your way. Im trailing behind you. I pray this year brings much healing. 

[sunnysideup69]

Interesting...I just read that Citalopram is like a mild antihistamine, which maybe leads to its sedating properties.

 

An excess of histamine can result in hives and eczema skin reactions.

 

Since I switched from Citalopram to Venlafaxine in August, I've had some hives and also a bit of eczema around my eyes. I mean, they COULD be just resulting from stress...and I haven't changed my diet apart from cutting out the refined sugar. Am wondering if it's possible that the skin stuff that's happened over the last two months could be because of Citalopram WD ie the Cit put a break on histamine before and now it's not there, I'm getting some rebound skin reaction? 

 

My eyes are certainly opening to the weird things these drugs do to the body.

[FarmGirlWorks]

@sunnysideup69 and @Elyssa143: 

 

Hi there. Yes, my eyes are now wide open too to the effects of the drugs on our bodies. I do low histamine because it seemed to help me and I slowly added items like kombucha for gut health.  Never had hives or itching. I don’t know if the citalopram  WD increased skin issues but that totally seems like reasonable logic. 
 

And I do think the dizziness is WD; an MRI last year said all was stable with little change in residual tumor. The SI is fleeting and anxiety from insecurity... I didn’t feel SI before so have to believe this is still WD related. You’ll be okay, Elyssa. It’s hard to be patient but what choice do we have?

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @FarmGirlWorks, I do apologize, my post above must have seemed really random. I was reading your thread beforehand, but that post was supposed to be on MY thread, not hijacking yours! Brain fog over here...😂

Anyway, happy new year, I wish you happiness and healing.

[Rosetta]

Hi FGW, I hope all is well with you!  💖Rosetta

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hi @Rosetta -- your wisdom has been missed by me, thanks for popping by. I am doing better, thank goodness. Right now I have a bad cold for the first time I can remember in the 2.5 years since I stopped psychodrugs and can def say that it is so much better than the hell of WD symptoms. Also been noticing that since my body is much more present (in the unappetizing form of increased mucous, low fever, and fatigue) that I actually feel "happier" maybe because my mind is being given something else to pay attention to. Idk.

 

More importantly, how are you????????

[Elyssa143]

@FarmGirlWorks

I hope your cold passes really quickly! I am glad to see you say that it is better than the hell of withdrawl and that you are doing better. I am much more functional but that in a sense is harder persay because im back to "life" kind of yet mentally I still really struggle. The mental symptoms and Akathisia are still really prevalent for me. Also the intrusive thoughts but it is less intense.  I just become so discouraged thinking this is as good as it gets and i wont ever be ok again....im sure everyone thinks that way! 

[RachelSusan]

@FarmGirlWorks

 

OMG, I always compare everything to AD withdrawal.  I always say, oh this is bad, but not as bad as withdrawal symptoms, or this is almost as bad as WD symptoms." Isn't it horrible that WD symptoms are the barometer for everything else? Actually barometers measure atmospheric pressure but I figure that is a good enough term to use when mentioning WD symptoms.

 

I hope you feel better soon. Don't be afraid to grab that tissue and blow that mucous out.  Ok I am being a little gross now, but when I get sick I allow myself to wallow in grossness.

 

FGW, you remain witty and entertaining, even when sick. Than you for being you.

 

xoxo

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hahaha! Thanks so much @RachelSusan. Yes, ADWD is the new barometer or litmus test for everything "bad" right now. A malady that you *know* will be gone in a week or less is so, well, "easy" compared to a hell that you don't know where the endpoint is and can't see light at the end of the tunnel. After that dreadful uncertainty, there is a near "pleasure" in fever and insane amounts of snot. Plus it gave me an excuse to rent "Terms of Endearment" to comfort myself (although have not watched it yet). Realized this morning in a fever-fueled dream, that instead of shaking my fists at Zoloft for not crying when it would be appropriate, to "prime the pump" and watch some tearjerker movies. So I actually Googled "tearjerker films" and landed on a few that might make me cry. "Toy Story 3" was on there and I remember seeing it with a friend while on sertraline. I didn't cry at the end and she said I was like a "robot." Still stings... and she was right.

 

There have been so many times when I wished I could cry this year! When I met my bio-father for the first time springs to mind. Of course, he has made me burst into tears a few times since and I am actually thankful for those instances even though the intensity was ratcheted to 11. Now going for a good weep at 7 or 8.

 

Keep on @Elyssa143. It truly sounds like you are gaining ground. Slow and steady...

[Rosetta]

I’m ok.  A bit of aka this morning.  Ugh.  But I’ll get through it.  Its a three day weekend. School was out at noon on Friday.  So, I’m busy.  I’m going to get some sage from the park next door and try to make chestnut stuffing this week.  We had chestnuts in Spain, and my daughter loved them.  So, I bought some for her.  I hope I can make it this week and that WD doesn’t derail me.  

 

How’s the cold?  

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hi @Rosetta: the cold went away... sorry I missed this until now. And OMG: I would love(!!!) sage/chestnut stuffing. That sounds amazing.

 

I feel I've healed "enough" for a Success Story. This might be taunting the Withdrawal Gods to smite me with another big wave but I just read that a member took his own life recently and feel that I am well enough to give someone hope with a SS. I've been madly writing for a few hours, I feel so moved. I cannot wait for your story which promises to be beyond well-written. Were you a writer before ADWD?

Edited February 5, 2020 by FarmGirlWorks

[Altostrata]

I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol ☼ to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

 

I am happy to say FGW has added her success story story here.

 

As is our custom, I will close this topic now. Please congratulate FGW in her success story topic