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FarmGirlWorks

FarmGirlWorks: sertraline WD - kundalini yoga helping

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Kristine
3 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

thanks for stopping by. I am coping day-by-day... anhedonia is significant now. Like yesterday, I was snowshoeing on a beautiful snowy road with snowflakes wafting down and while I recognized that it was objectively "beautiful" felt absolutely nothing. I feel so spoiled that I can't enjoy it. However... I do think about what @Gridley said to note the beauty in your head and eventually your body will go along for the ride. I kept going on the untrammeled snow and concentrated on making a new path in the snow and in my brain. It is hard and often I think I am just ruined from the damn poison but then I have a "good" day and am hopeful again. The group is helpful to me and, I think, to others who just get to meet in-person people who are going through this. I saw a bit of your thread... how are you coping with the titration?

Hey FGW,  I had to look up "snowshoeing" because I had no idea what that was! Racket shoes on the feet :)..I have seen it in the movies.  Your experience does sound beautiful...what is important is you could see it as objectively beautiful and remember what you saw and write about it so beautifully here.  You have an appreciation of the beauty surrounding you and I am confident the anhedonia will subside in time.  When that happens all your other wonderful abilities will blossom.  Your imagination and creativity will break through...as you know I have the same issues, but I feel like my creativity is laying dormant during this healing process.  My mind and body subtly reminding me to rest.  Maybe not, but it's a nice thought! I agree with Gridley and I try to do this everyday.  I'm so pleased the group is going well.  I'd love to meet you face to face and give you a big hug!  Thank you for asking about my titration.  I guess I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances.  It's tough, but suffering for so many years has taught me to focus on what I can change and the rest isn't worth thinking about. Much Love and Hugs. K xo

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FarmGirlWorks
2 hours ago, Kristine said:

I guess I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances.  It's tough, but suffering for so many years has taught me to focus on what I can change and the rest isn't worth thinking about.

That is such a good way to look at it. This is definitely a time (of course, all time is) for self-acceptance and major patience. I am glad to hear you are trundling along. It is tough! This time last year I was titrating (really more like a one-month cold turkey) from 50 to 0 mg of sertraline/zoloft. I am a little glad that I had no idea how tough this would be and that it would last so long. I am impulsive and might have done it anyway but would have been more trepidatious.

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FarmGirlWorks
4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Just dropping by.   Did the Neurosculpting book help?

 

... So so sorry about the anhedonia.  I'm having struggles with it, too.

I've listened to the first part of the  Neurosculpting book. I remember thinking it was helpful but I can't remember a single thing that is useful. Sometimes the cog fog seems worse than other times. It's like I understand something while I'm listening to, watching, or reading then -- poof -- immediately forget it. I'll restart it tomorrow.

 

The anehedonia has been a little over two months and while I try not to be distressed about it, I am distressed about it. Have you come across anything useful about dealing with it in your research?

 

I was titrating this time last year from 50 to 0 mg of sertraline, I had no clue WD would be so hard and so long. I probably would have still done it but would have been a little more daunted.

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ChessieCat
1 hour ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

It's like I understand something while I'm listening to, watching, or reading then -- poof -- immediately forget it.

 

This has happened to me.  I've been listening to lots of audio sermons over the last months.  I've found that my memory has started to improve recently.  I'm not sure if it because my dose is getting lower or that I am using and retraining my brain or a combination.  The funny thing is I would go back and listen to something again and think "I can't remember hearing that before".

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FarmGirlWorks

Wow: I hope my memory improves as it is hard to be self-accepting and patient. I know that is what you're supposed to do but this bull**** is too much. I passed 11 months a few days ago and feel as depressed, sad, and apathetic as I ever have.When does it end (she asks rhetorically knowing there is no answer)???

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powerback
9 minutes ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Wow: I hope my memory improves as it is hard to be self-accepting and patient. I know that is what you're supposed to do but this bull**** is too much. I passed 11 months a few days ago and feel as depressed, sad, and apathetic as I ever have.When does it end (she asks rhetorically knowing there is no answer)???

I feel your pain and sorrow FGW .I cant even claim to be drug free and a taper that is useless [my situation].sometimes I think I mite have to resign myself to fact that my case is the way you don't do things .

You got to keep believing ,for one thing to be proud of is the fact this poison isn't in your system .

Take care .

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks for the support, powerback. The last several days have really been hard.

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wantrelief

Hey there FGW - I just read this and wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you.  I am so sorry you've had some rough days.....I am hoping you experience some improvement soon!

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks.... I went to central WA for the past 4 days and that desolate area combined with not being as strict about my diet really triggered me. Last Tuesday when I met you I was doing a lot better. One step forward, two back and so on...

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wantrelief

You will get back to a better place!  Hopefully now that you are back home things will settle back down.

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powerback
29 minutes ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Thanks for the support, powerback. The last several days have really been hard.

I hope you get some solace from the support of others that totally get it .I know I do .

Be safe and take care .

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Rosetta
On March 5, 2018 at 5:13 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

I've listened to the first part of the  Neurosculpting book. I remember thinking it was helpful but I can't remember a single thing that is useful. Sometimes the cog fog seems worse than other times. It's like I understand something while I'm listening to, watching, or reading then -- poof -- immediately forget it. I'll restart it tomorrow.

 

The anehedonia has been a little over two months and while I try not to be distressed about it, I am distressed about it. Have you come across anything useful about dealing with it in your research?

 

I was titrating this time last year from 50 to 0 mg of sertraline, I had no clue WD would be so hard and so long. I probably would have still done it but would have been a little more daunted.

Hi. I know, I had no clue what I was in for either.  No, I have no answers, sorry.

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks for the support, @wantrelief. Ugh. How are you doing?

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wantrelief
1 hour ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Thanks for the support, @wantrelief. Ugh. How are you doing?

Ugh is one of my favorite words these days!  I am the same, which is good on the one hand that after my tiny decrease my symptoms haven't worsened but on the other hand, I feel like I am going to be stuck like this (ugh) for some time to come....trying hard to accept accept accept!  I am planning to do another small decrease next week which I am a bit nervous about.  I will be thinking about you, FGW!

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FarmGirlWorks

Good luck with the drop... that is fantastic there is stability after the last one. Keep us apprised.

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FarmGirlWorks

Wow: I didn’t think my brain could get sicker but here I am. I am getting afraid that the symptoms I thought I had skipped in earlier months are here now. Anhedonia, depression/anxiety, and deep apathy. I feel like crying several times a day but no tears. Crazy rage at times. I want to make sudden, big decisions (like invest my meager savings in crypto currencies ) or move across the country or break up with my boyfriend (he is long-distance). I know not to make big decisions right now but the urge to change some mething, anything to get my head out of this space is strong. And I’ve been strong thru this grueling year, primarily on my own, but suddenly tonight  I wondered if I am strong enough to take much more. 

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wantrelief

I am so sorry you are getting hit with these awful symptoms, FGW. You are not alone in how you are feeling. It is interesting what you are saying about wanting to cry but not being able to do so....I have had that problem too, although sometimes real tears will make it through.  I also thought it was interesting what you said about your wanting to make big decisions as your brain's way of getting out of where it is currently residing.  You are incredibly strong, hold on and keep taking it day by day....you will get through this.

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Athena

Sending you healing thoughts and energies FarmGirl. We will get through this.

Athena xx

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FarmGirlWorks

@wantrelief thanks for the support. I sent my bf a success story (I went to sleep last night reading them as it was so necessary) as I read in one of them that keeping the lines of communication open right now is so important. He was sweet but doesn't get it at all. Not that I expect him too but was still a little disappointed. I realized too that I have not been able to go to acupuncture for two weeks and also have not been doing the body/skin brushing. So maybe that is an issue. Also started aspirin again last month and not sure if that has affected my mental state. I just want it to end... glad not to be alone in this with lovely people like you on SA.

 

How are you doing?

 

@Athena thank you, thank you, thanks for the support. We are totally in this soup together.

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Rosetta

Hi FGW, 

 

Dare I speak up and let the little creatures inside the trees hear me say something positive?  I'm still struggling with frequent anxiety, but the anhedonia comes and goes, too.  It seems that I'm either anxious or I'm having anhedonia.  There are some good times in between.  I hate the anhedonia, but I'm grateful that it's "holding back" the anxiety.  So, I can see some good coming from it (when I'm not experiencing it, of course.). I feel like crying and can't sometimes, too.  It's usually when I'm anxious.  It's a deep frustration.  I have it today, in fact.  I find that the depression comes right after a bout of anxiousness or a cortisol spike.  Do you still have those?

 

Maybe you can find a pattern to your symptoms? I don't know why it's somewhat comforting to see a pattern, but it is.  I suppose it makes me feel that my body is starting to find a rhythm that is more normal.  Depression should follow high anxiety.  It makes sense from a physiological point of view.  

 

Going for a walk every day helps me, I think.  It is supposed to calm the nervous system.  I know you are taking mag and have switch to tea.  I'm thinking that for myself it is time to give Omega 3 a shot.  

 

Thinking of you.  

 

Peace,

Rosetta

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wantrelief
42 minutes ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

@wantrelief thanks for the support. I sent my bf a success story (I went to sleep last night reading them as it was so necessary) as I read in one of them that keeping the lines of communication open right now is so important. He was sweet but doesn't get it at all. Not that I expect him too but was still a little disappointed. I realized too that I have not been able to go to acupuncture for two weeks and also have not been doing the body/skin brushing. So maybe that is an issue. Also started aspirin again last month and not sure if that has affected my mental state. I just want it to end... glad not to be alone in this with lovely people like you on SA.

I too am so grateful to not be alone on this journey.  It is great that you sent your boyfriend a success story so he can at least get an idea of what you are going through now and how this will transform into healing someday.  I know what you mean...sometimes our partners' responses can be disappointing even if they are trying to be supportive.  That is why this forum is so important since others get what this really feels like.  

 

Thank you for asking how I am doing.  Nothing new to report, feeling the same.  I did make another small cut on Tuesday night so we'll see how that goes as it is too early to tell.   I am trying not to get too dismayed - or freaked out! -  at how long this is going to take or with not knowing how long I am going to feel this way.  

 

Hang in there, FGW....we are in this together.

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FarmGirlWorks
1 minute ago, Rosetta said:

It seems that I'm either anxious or I'm having anhedonia.

Yes, exactly, @Rosetta -- I am currently anxious and having cortisol spikes in the morning. But walking the dog (such a blessing to *have* to get out every day a few times) I could feel a twinge of "feeling" beauty. I saw a forsynthia bush in bloom and saw it was beautiful for a second. Now that I have read more here about how ADs are like antihistamines, I can see why Benadryl was a help but now I stay away from it as I want the healing to be unimpeded.

 

8 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Maybe you can find a pattern to your symptoms? I don't know why it's somewhat comforting to see a pattern, but it is.  I suppose it makes me feel that my body is starting to find a rhythm that is more normal.  Depression should follow high anxiety.  It makes sense from a physiological point of view.  

That does make sense physiologically. I was depressed but not anxious while doing acupuncture but am now anxious again. The depression is ugly but not so ugly as anxiety. At least depression feels like some healing might be taking place where as anxiety feels straight up negative.

 

Sorry to hear you're dealing with the anxiety/cortisol again too. Much love and hugs.

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FarmGirlWorks
3 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

I know what you mean...sometimes our partners' responses can be disappointing even if they are trying to be supportive.

On the nose: we just talked on the phone and I know he is trying to be supportive but it feels like his patience is wearing thin as he tries to get his new business going. It is disappointing and I came here straight away for a couple "me too's."

 

I am so glad to hear that you are stable at this point, such great news. One thing that I got from reading success stories last night is that the process takes a lot of time whether CT or taper. It's just that CT has more intense WD symptoms. Good times! Glad you are doing it right.

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FarmGirlWorks

This is easily the worst day I've experienced since last summer (months 3-6). High anxiety, hands were shaky and I could only get down a hard-boiled egg, saltines and soup. Useless at doing anything but bare minimum required. Could be lack of acupuncture, two nights in a row of hot tub and subsequent night sweats, or too much aspirin. Of that, I am going to make sure to go to acupuncture next week and reduce the aspirin intake to 81mg/day. Was taking a few 325mg tablets for the last week or so. Old pill-popping habits die hard.

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Kristine

Hey my friend,  I am unable to write any meaningful words of comfort, other than I wish this wasn't happening to you and "me too".  However, the brilliant author Jenny Lawson comes to mind...I hope this quote can bring you some comfort my friend...(I would change the word "illness" to "trauma" or "emotional pain")

 

“When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive. We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker … but as survivors. Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it. Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand. I hope to one day see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle, and as a celebration of the victories made each day as we individually pull ourselves up out of our foxholes to see our scars heal, and to remember what the sun looks like.” 
― Jenny LawsonFuriously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

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FarmGirlWorks
28 minutes ago, Kristine said:

hope to one day see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle

I love the image of a sea of silver ribbons... it is such an invisible malady. Thanks for the "me too" @Kristine.

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Rosetta

I'm so sorry you have this worsening, FGW.  I won't say, "It's temporary." That isn't enough.  I'm glad you were able to force down some food.  I think that's important.  If I don't eat enough it seems to make everything worse, but it's hard to tell if that's true.  I hope you will get some rest tonight.  -R

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manymoretodays
21 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Wow: I didn’t think my brain could get sicker but here I am. I am getting afraid that the symptoms I thought I had skipped in earlier months are here now. Anhedonia, depression/anxiety, and deep apathy. I feel like crying several times a day but no tears. Crazy rage at times. I want to make sudden, big decisions (like invest my meager savings in crypto currencies ) or move across the country or break up with my boyfriend (he is long-distance). I know not to make big decisions right now but the urge to change some mething, anything to get my head out of this space is strong. And I’ve been strong thru this grueling year, primarily on my own, but suddenly tonight  I wondered if I am strong enough to take much more. 

 

3 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

This is easily the worst day I've experienced since last summer (months 3-6). High anxiety, hands were shaky and I could only get down a hard-boiled egg, saltines and soup. Useless at doing anything but bare minimum required. Could be lack of acupuncture, two nights in a row of hot tub and subsequent night sweats, or too much aspirin. Of that, I am going to make sure to go to acupuncture next week and reduce the aspirin intake to 81mg/day. Was taking a few 325mg tablets for the last week or so. Old pill-popping habits die hard.

 

Hey and Hi FGW,

 

Sometimes this happens.  Months out.  A huge wave.  And it's encouraging to me......and hopefully, to you as well........that you have such an awareness to not do anything major or impulsive at this time.

 

Your plan sounds pretty solid to me.  So......the acupuncture is really helping quite a bit?  Are you still doing the kudalini yoga and AA?  As your title suggests. 

 

Just wanted to stop by, if only to give a gentle hug.......... and will read a bit further when time allows.   I have been there.  When my irritability/agitation type stuff would hit.......I used to be able to find relief when the tears finally came.  So........no tears yet for you.........I do expect they will come.......just when, I don't know for sure............ but it does pass.........it will.  Music with earbuds?  Is that any help at all?  A little crazy dancing in the privacy of your own home?   Movement might help release some of it.  Laughter?  Swearing?  Go for a stroll over to "off topic" and see if you can find " Lalochezia!  The cursing thread."  That may help.  It might make you laugh even.  Do you have a spot where you could throw some paint around on some cardboard or something.  Perhaps red might work?

 

It did get better for me.......it really did........has.........is so much better.  Been there though.

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

manymoretodays (of course not referring to more days like the ones you have experienced lately) 

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks @manymoretodays... I feel my title is misleading as I have not been to AA since last summer. However, I am committed to kundalini and dragged myself there tonight in the hopes that I'd feel at least 1% better; actually, I had a big epiphany during the kriya and that seems to have calmed me down. I realized how tightly I hold onto others -- family, friends and foes -- in my mind no matter how they have treated me or vice versa. It goes back to being adopted and a less-than-ideal childhood. Was able to visualize "loosening" that emotional death grip so that I could move more freely.

 

So, I'd love to change my thread to just "kundalini helping" but no big deal.

 

Acupuncture definitely helped, although I waited until month 10 to not over-stimulate my CNS. I am def going back next week.

 

Thanks for the kind support. I was really freaking out today because I couldn't "do" much. After reading your signature (oh wow is all I can say), I see you take bio-identical hormones. Is that helpful? I wonder if perimenopause/WD would be alleviated by such a strategy. Again, thanks!

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manymoretodays

Hi FGW,

 

Ha.  Got the title changed. 

 

I'm a 12 stepper and it's been really helpful for me.  I know it's not for everyone though......... I really feel very fortunate for having found AA.  One of those nice synchronicities for me.

 

I think my bioidenticals are helpful.  Mine are sublingual and compounded at a local pharmacy.   I was thrown into menopause on the early side........I suspect by all the medications/drugs I was prescribed.  I think my GP was really into Suzanne Somers stuff......... back when we started some hormone normalization/replacement for me........ and eternal youth or something.   He gets on some interesting trends from time to time.  I decreased them by 1/2 quite awhile ago........and maybe, maybe not will go off of them one of these days.  Working on some other healthy, balancing, priorities now.

 

Doing well, despite the history of medication/drugs.  I think/hope that because I didn't do too much in the way of "drug cocktails" that I may fare okay.  I am faring okay.   And neuroplasticity can happen at any age!  Very thankful really.  Very much so.  It's just tough sometimes........."we" are on such an island of types. 

 

Keep us updated.

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

mmt

 

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks for the bio-hormone info... I need to do more research if it would be good for me and also how much it would cost. 

 

THANKS for changing my headline. AA totally helped but I started to get overwhelmed by WD and how much my sponsor wanted me to do. And the WD was hitting harder than stopping alcohol so I felt fraudulent. However, a teacher at kundalini who is a 12-stepper and sober 7 years is encouraging me to go to a meeting once in a while... 

 

Joke : a rich man had a large family, owned a company, had a mansion and kids and yada yada but he still wasn’t happy. Feeling he was drowning, he got rid of most of his material possessions. Then he quit drugs and drinking thinking that was the answer. No go. So he heard about a wise person who lived in a cave on the top of a mountain in a far away land. He went there and climbed up the mountain which took a few weeks. Finally he gets to the top, sees the guru cross-legged in front of the cave and falls down in front of him, exhausted and at wit’s end. “Oh wise one, what is the secret of life? I am desperate. Please tell me.”  The guru looks at him and says, “Don’t drink and go to meetings.”

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powerback
On ‎16‎/‎03‎/‎2018 at 5:35 AM, FarmGirlWorks said:

Thanks @manymoretodays... I feel my title is misleading as I have not been to AA since last summer. However, I am committed to kundalini and dragged myself there tonight in the hopes that I'd feel at least 1% better; actually, I had a big epiphany during the kriya and that seems to have calmed me down. I realized how tightly I hold onto others -- family, friends and foes -- in my mind no matter how they have treated me or vice versa. It goes back to being adopted and a less-than-ideal childhood. Was able to visualize "loosening" that emotional death grip so that I could move more freely.

 

So, I'd love to change my thread to just "kundalini helping" but no big deal.

 

Acupuncture definitely helped, although I waited until month 10 to not over-stimulate my CNS. I am def going back next week.

 

Thanks for the kind support. I was really freaking out today because I couldn't "do" much. After reading your signature (oh wow is all I can say), I see you take bio-identical hormones. Is that helpful? I wonder if perimenopause/WD would be alleviated by such a strategy. Again, thanks!

HI FGW its very interesting to me what you say about holding onto others ,especially foes ,its very hard for me to get stuff out of my mind ,they live freely and no rent paid in my mind .you talk a lot of sense .I empathise with you deeply in this journey .

I'm also 3 years sober and I went to AA in the early months but as like you withdrawal has taken precedence, ile go back when withdrawl is over because ive so much   to give back .

Peace to you .

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KimLou

Hey there FarmGirl,

 

I got a notification, but didn't notice it right away.  Sorry to hear you are having a rough time.  I know my situation is different, but I just wanted to say that what I have experienced so far has at times surprised me when new symptoms or variations of old symptoms hit further out than I thought possible, but apparently, phbbllt, there they were.  So you're not out of the ordinary and I mean that in a comforting way even though it doesn't seem like it.  I simply mean as crappy as it is you're not going "the wrong way" as it were.  I have tried so many times to figure out "what did I do or not do for this stuff now".  But as best I can tell it's just a random part of the healing process.  Not fun, but don't fret over too much of anything you did or didn't do.  Though, once in the crappy times, I did find that being nicer to myself in whatever way possible or just trying to get more sleep was helpful, etc.

 

I do not have a significant other, but I do understand the disappointment when someone doesn't really get it.  And sometimes I wish I had someone, but then I know from past experience that sometimes in relationships partners just aren't as "awesome" as you would like them to be all the time, ha, so that in and of itself can be an extra frustration and so sometimes I'm grateful I'm on my own in that regard with all this. So I can totally understand how that might be disappointing at times and just know other peeps are here.  But I do hope all goes well over time for you and your bf.  :)

 

Well, I'm off to bed.  Take care.  I hope you get a shift for the better in it all soon!

 

Kimlou

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FarmGirlWorks
2 hours ago, KimLou said:

I have experienced so far has at times surprised me when new symptoms or variations of old symptoms hit further out than I thought possible, but apparently, phbbllt, there they were. 

Exactly. I was trying to "project manage" the timeline of this recovery (it will take 9 months... it will definitely be over in 12... and now?) and have the sinking realization that this will get better when it gets better. Being kinder to myself (and others!) is a piece of advice that just never gets old. Thanks.

 

And, @powerback, thanks for the empathy. I am too much in a cog fog to say more but wanted you to know that I appreciate your thoughts. Backatcha.

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FarmGirlWorks
22 hours ago, powerback said:

,its very hard for me to get stuff out of my mind ,they live freely and no rent paid in my mind .

@powerback, now when thoughts of someone (who is long since gone since I went off ADs last year) come into my mind, before I get into the inevitable spiral of anger and hurt come out through a fantasy encounter, I think, "You are not paying rent in my mind, get out." I love that expression and thank you for bringing it to me.

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powerback
16 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

@powerback, now when thoughts of someone (who is long since gone since I went off ADs last year) come into my mind, before I get into the inevitable spiral of anger and hurt come out through a fantasy encounter, I think, "You are not paying rent in my mind, get out." I love that expression and thank you for bringing it to me.

Your so welcome FGW ,I picked it up some  were but I cant remember ,today is a day I must chant it to myself .

Take care .

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