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FarmGirlWorks: sertraline WD - kundalini yoga helping

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FarmGirlWorks

Re-watching "1984" thru the lens of the role of psych drugs in a state; it is streaming on Amazon Prime and the irony of watching it there is not lost on me. Have forgotten most of it except the iconic images. Interesting how the state is trying to eradicate the orgasm and only then will they have the full minds and COMPLIANCY of the citizens. Huh: reminds me of the "side effects" of almost all of these psychotropic drugs. I am inspired all over again to get off these poisons.

 

Today was a Window in that I didn't feel overly anxious and when I was triggered, noted it and was able to do deep breathing. Even was able to maintain despite some bad "situational" anxiety (my dad is in the hospital after several strokes and is across the country -- family drama. And my bf's opioid addict son is acting up again and threatening my bf's fledgling biz -- family drama). It was a little like being underwater still but able to see the light above me and orienting toward it. Slow strokes upward now...

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manymoretodays
On 3/18/2018 at 12:22 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

Thanks for the bio-hormone info... I need to do more research if it would be good for me and also how much it would cost. 

 

THANKS for changing my headline. AA totally helped but I started to get overwhelmed by WD and how much my sponsor wanted me to do. And the WD was hitting harder than stopping alcohol so I felt fraudulent. However, a teacher at kundalini who is a 12-stepper and sober 7 years is encouraging me to go to a meeting once in a while... 

 

Joke : a rich man had a large family, owned a company, had a mansion and kids and yada yada but he still wasn’t happy. Feeling he was drowning, he got rid of most of his material possessions. Then he quit drugs and drinking thinking that was the answer. No go. So he heard about a wise person who lived in a cave on the top of a mountain in a far away land. He went there and climbed up the mountain which took a few weeks. Finally he gets to the top, sees the guru cross-legged in front of the cave and falls down in front of him, exhausted and at wit’s end. “Oh wise one, what is the secret of life? I am desperate. Please tell me.”  The guru looks at him and says, “Don’t drink and go to meetings.”

 

:D:huh::ph34r:

Thanks for the chuckle.  My present sponsor is working well with and for me.......... and somewhat understands my occasional protracted W/D or discontinuation syndrome or PAWS or sometimes I wonder what to call it...........at this stage of the game for me, anyway.......  She had some of her own shorter term medication and probably C/T's.........we don't talk too much about that........she helps me with the steps, and is a good person.......of course........ to run things by..........I mean general life stuff and all.  She has her good stories too!  We're not real alike, other than the AA thing........well you know...... which is kind of great too.  So........enough about that.

 

The compounded version of bioidenticals for me now costs about U.S. $15.00/mos.  My GP(Suzanne Somers biggest fan, or once was) is totally fine with my half dosing them.  The best I could figure out, was that they probably do still carry some risk of cancer, as the non bioidenticals do.  I usually get a general hormone panel done once a year.  Ahhhh, so you say you are in perimenopause, eh?  This too........will pass.........as you know............  Are you doing the Omega 3's and magnesium of some type?

 

......and it does get better........a day at a time.  ;)  (((((((((((FGW))))))))))), you can be a butterfly too!

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

mmt

 

Edited by manymoretodays

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FarmGirlWorks

Is the "12-month wave" a predictable event? At a week before my first year off, I am having  a dark, dark wave that manifests in a head that hurts -- but not a headache -- and cognitive fog that is intense.

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Rosetta

HI FarmGirl, 

 

Good question.  I'm about 13 months off as you know.  If you have been reading my thread you may have noticed I was ping ponging pretty intensely.  I wonder if that was/is a wave?  I'm trying to keep track of everyday to see when the ping ponging ends.  I just had a 2 day "dirty" window.  Today is not too bad.  I'm not having the slammed feeling I was having at the close of every clear window.

 

How long have you had the symptoms: hurting head and cog fog?  Just today? When you say dark, dark wave are you speaking of your psychological state?  

 

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FarmGirlWorks

I love the term "dirty wave." I want to use that too. I've been off-and-on in reading SA but it always helps. Sorry to hear you've been ping ponging.

 

Yes, wave referring to my psychological state. Simple words are hard to come by and I am overwhelmed by events that did not overwhelm me before. For instance, while I am not a "going to conferences" person, I have gone to three now since the end of November. Each time has resulted in an emotional spiral afterward. Maybe it was the crappy food, fluorescent lights, hundreds of people, and information overload. I want to cry but the tears are not coming. Yesterday morning, after this last conference (which was about astrology and I enjoyed learning from world-reknowned teachers) I had a darkly intense dream which colored my whole day. I am still feeling it today but in a gentler space, at least physically.

 

As ever, kundalini helps me feel a tiny bit better. But it is HARD not to go into the space where I am so full of rage at this year lost and also sadness at the folks I thought would support me who have not. I am so glad for you and SA.

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Rosetta

Hugs!

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FarmGirlWorks

My creativity made a welcome appearance last night. I have been worried for over two weeks that I could not get a piece together for an artist submission that I was asked to do. It is $500 if selected and I sorely need the cash. And, frankly, it was be nice to be selected as this as it is "above my pay grade." Early last evening, I prayed and just surrendered to this process. And, late at night, I had a vision of what it could look like. So, today, I am devoting several hours to making this piece and am so thankful that the creativity is starting to percolate even if occasionally.

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Rosetta

That's fantastic, FGW!  I'm very happy for you.  Get that piece in the works right away!

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wantrelief

Wonderful news, FGW!

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Kristine
5 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

My creativity made a welcome appearance last night. I have been worried for over two weeks that I could not get a piece together for an artist submission that I was asked to do. It is $500 if selected and I sorely need the cash. And, frankly, it was be nice to be selected as this as it is "above my pay grade." Early last evening, I prayed and just surrendered to this process. And, late at night, I had a vision of what it could look like. So, today, I am devoting several hours to making this piece and am so thankful that the creativity is starting to percolate even if occasionally.

Yippee!!:wub: oh, I am so incredibly happy for you! Let that creativity flow through your veins, you deserve it. I do so hope you are selected :rolleyes: Much Love K xo

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FarmGirlWorks

This is no April Fool's joke: April 1 marks one year off sertraline. Honestly, I was hoping that I could post a Success Story and that withdrawal happened in months and was behind me. But that is not the case and I am beginning to understand that "acceptance" means one day at a time and not trying to project manage a timeline to recovery. It is disappointing. But it is where I am at right now.

 

I've spent the last year focusing on my body and how to make it as open to healing as possible. I plan to be the most annoying guest at holidays with ridiculous dietary restrictions. "Oh, no gluten, dairy, histamine-heavy, alcohol, or caffeine for me, please. Just water and lemon will be fine." I've faithfully gone to kundalini yoga 3-4 times per week. Supplements are only magnesium, omega3, vitamin C, and a valerian/passionflower tincture to sleep (and, blessedly, I have been able to sleep as I know that others here have problems). I walk my dog every day, rain or shine. Body brushing, cold water plunges, coffee enemas... yes, TMI and also TMT -- too much time.

 

And still: the anxiety demons attack in the deepest parts of my being. So, I've decided that this year, I am going to start focusing on my negative thought patterns. I haven't decided what this means, but I am going to start listening to Overcoming Anxiety podcasts, mosaic once per week or two (it is good for PTSD and brain healing), and meditate regularly. I am getting better with the latter but def could up the game.

 

***

 

I was hoping to post this video with "one year" being accurate. It is not but I am still putting it here for us fellow travelers. It was written about domestic violence but it is easy to read it through the lens of psych drug withdrawal. I was on zoloft/sertraline for 5 years so it is extra poignant. A big thanks and mad respect to everyone here at SA, the invisible and courageous and brave.

 

 

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powerback
2 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

This is no April Fool's joke: April 1 marks one year off sertraline. Honestly, I was hoping that I could post a Success Story and that withdrawal happened in months and was behind me. But that is not the case and I am beginning to understand that "acceptance" means one day at a time and not trying to project manage a timeline to recovery. It is disappointing. But it is where I am at right now.

 

I've spent the last year focusing on my body and how to make it as open to healing as possible. I plan to be the most annoying guest at holidays with ridiculous dietary restrictions. "Oh, no gluten, dairy, histamine-heavy, alcohol, or caffeine for me, please. Just water and lemon will be fine." I've faithfully gone to kundalini yoga 3-4 times per week. Supplements are only magnesium, omega3, vitamin C, and a valerian/passionflower tincture to sleep (and, blessedly, I have been able to sleep as I know that others here have problems). I walk my dog every day, rain or shine. Body brushing, cold water plunges, coffee enemas... yes, TMI and also TMT -- too much time.

 

And still: the anxiety demons attack in the deepest parts of my being. So, I've decided that this year, I am going to start focusing on my negative thought patterns. I haven't decided what this means, but I am going to start listening to Overcoming Anxiety podcasts, mosaic once per week or two (it is good for PTSD and brain healing), and meditate regularly. I am getting better with the latter but def could up the game.

 

***

 

I was hoping to post this video with "one year" being accurate. It is not but I am still putting it here for us fellow travelers. It was written about domestic violence but it is easy to read it through the lens of psych drug withdrawal. I was on zoloft/sertraline for 5 years so it is extra poignant. A big thanks and mad respect to everyone here at SA, the invisible and courageous and brave.

 

 

Good on ye FGW ,you seem to have a lot in your toolkit for recovery ,I also see your coming up on a year sober kudos to you for that big time .

Take care .

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RachelSusan

Hi FGW,

Thank you for such a special post. It made me think about things in my life. I also want to recognize and salute your year of hard work. My hope is that this coming year you will see more healing and an over all improvement in your life.

RS

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wantrelief

Hi FGW - I like what RS said above about recognizing your year of hard work.  You are doing so much to help yourself, it is inspirational.  I am hopeful you will be experiencing more healing in the upcoming year.

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FarmGirlWorks

@powerback@RachelSusan@wantrelief thank you for the kind words. We are all working hard to stay alive through this and the support is so appreciated. And yes: one year sober in late May.

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Rosetta

A big hug!  It's emotional to come upon 1 year off sertraline.  I sometimes think some of my emotional issues have to do with my hope that I'd be lucky and be practically healed at the one year point.  I believe I've been in mourning for the past 6 weeks for the fact that that didn't happen.  Maybe I'll reach acceptance on that soon.  

 

To be one year sober, too?  Wow, that must be a real milestone or maybe it's so wrapped up together that you don't distinguish between the two?  If you have any interest in CBT, feelinggood.com is a great resource.  Dr. David Burns wrote a book called When Panic Attacks, but I haven't read it.  I have a couple of the other books.

 

Take care, Rosetta

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FarmGirlWorks

I continue to have a dark time despite sunnier weather. Yesterday I went to an AA meeting for support. I have not been to one since August and it was a good reminder that going to a meeting even once a week is an emotional boost. As I missed the one I was going to attend in the morning,  I ended up later at an all women meeting at a place that is more urban, less fancy. It was good, despite vastly different life circumstances, the core issues are the same. I am going to go again.

 

My neighbor stopped by yesterday. Something stressful had happened and his presence was frightening to see: his shoulders sloped, his body drooped, his face hung, he dragged his feet. I wondered, "Is that how I present now?" I don't think I present quite so dramatically but we all have an electromagnetic charge that projects from us and I know mine is low. Is that why so many people formerly in my life have dropped away?

 

Today I made a doctor appointment to look into hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I know that @manymoretodays finds it helpful and I just know that being like I am now -- so down, so low energy -- cannot go on much longer. I am going on a 10-day trip in a few days and am not even excited...

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FarmGirlWorks
18 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I sometimes think some of my emotional issues have to do with my hope that I'd be lucky and be practically healed at the one year point.  I believe I've been in mourning for the past 6 weeks for the fact that that didn't happen.

Victor Frankl in "Man's Search For Meaning" says that prisoners in concentration camps who had a specific date in mind for when they would be liberated, like by New Year's Day, were the one's most likely to die within a few days of not being freed by their self-imposed deadline because they were so disappointed. I wonder the same thing too, @Rosetta. By internally giving myself a deadline for getting well -- first it was six months, then nine, and then surely within a year -- has that just made things harder? Going forward, I intend to stop that. I heal when I heal.

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FarmGirlWorks

Does anyone have experience or feedback about HRT (hormone replacement therapy) during withdrawal? I'm in perimenopause and considering it if my insurance covers it. Any comments most welcome.

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FarmGirlWorks

I just got this text! I’m traveling home in the middle-of-nowhere PA to my parents’ farm (stress ... oh yeah). But WD is finally getting mainstream attention!

 

“Have you crossed the border into P.A.? Hold your ground. 
Big talk on NPR, on point about trying to get off anti-depressants this morning, this blowing UP!  There are phone ins now on air, I wish you could hear. It's Epic!”

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wantrelief

Oh wow!  That is really good news....thank you for sharing this info.  Good luck in PA....I hope everything goes ok and isn't too stressful.

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Rosetta

Yes, it's getting attention!  Have a good trip, FWG.  I hope you can enjoy it.

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FarmGirlWorks

Central PA visit is beyond stressful. I am fragile/suicidal AF and my period still hasn’t come. The parents are pig-headed and my mother is just plain nasty a lot. I’ve just been quiet mostly. I’m glad there will be a couple days in DC to recuperate... but, yes, glad this is getting coverage. Doesn’t make waves any easier though :-)

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wantrelief

Oh no, so sorry about the stressful visit and how it is impacting you - sounds really hard. I have found when I have been in similar situations that staying quiet is sometimes the best as well.  I know what you mean about all of the media coverage lately....it is good but we are still stuck in the situation they are talking about.  I am glad you have a visit to DC to look forward to and hope that helps lift this wave.  Thinking about you - WR.

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks so much, WR — I need the support! Just saw a high school classmate at the grocery store who was confirming how rough this town has gotten in 25 years with the opioid epidemic, bullying, and even sex trafficking. She’s moving away as soon as she can. Again validating that it’s real but still made my stomach hurt.

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Rosetta

Thinking of you.  I'm sorry you are struggling with your parents.  Take care.

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Kristine

Also thinking of you FGW :wub: I completely understand stressful interaction with parents. I'm so sorry you have endured this additional pain...from those who should make you feel safe. Much Love and hugs. K xo

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Rosetta

How are you?  Still traveling?

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FarmGirlWorks

Hi there... thanks for the check-in, @Rosetta.And thanks @Kristine for your support earlier.  I am back in Seattle for the moment. The trip was so intense. First was a workshop where I struggled with cog fog and long hours of working.  Then flying/driving to the family farm in central PA which is emotionally abusive (and yet I've gone once a year for the last 25). I left a day early as I thought I was going to have a psychotic break from withdrawal and had a blow-out with my mother. Ultimately, it was good as I needed to speak up but it was over-the-top dramatic with my mom falling on the floor and sobbing. Then I drove to DC where there were record crowds -- just swarms of people --  and my bf almost broke up with me as I've been so "distant" the past few months. Yes, I have been distant. Withdrawal, withdrawal, withdrawal. And I am reluctant to make any big changes while in WD (like breaking off with someone) as I know my mind isn't all there. He didn't and a good thing because... as soon as I got back to Seattle, my father had to go back to the E.R. (he had emergency surgery two weeks ago) and now is slated for another high-risk surgery tomorrow morning. Doesn't look good and will find out then if I have to go back to central PA. Life is throwing me a few -- okay, many --  curveballs this month.

 

Oddly, I feel "calm" right now. I don't know if the WD was just like, "Dude! She can't handle anymore, take a break." Or perhaps it was because I spent today actually reaching out and seeing folks including @wantrelief for tea. There is a feeling of stillness. Like anxiety about next-steps-in-life, the boyfriend, where I live, are taking a back seat until this passes. I don't know. But I was unable to work today and not beating myself up (too much) about not doing anything "productive." Perhaps just productive for me: staying sane is all I can strive for right now.

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Rosetta

I'm sorry your mother is a problem.  I have the same issue.  You are so strong to have been through all of that!!  I'm sorry about your father, too.  I'll keep my fingers crossed.  You have earned a long rest, FGW.

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Kristine

Oh Crap :( You are dealing with so much FGW. I'm so sorry. Think our mothers might be related <_<. I hope you are able to put aside some time for yourself. Big (((hugs))) and love. K xo

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FarmGirlWorks

Coming from you, @Kristine who is dealing with so very much, I am grateful for your kind words.

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FarmGirlWorks

I am reading the "Acceptance" thread in "Finding Meaning" area of this forum. Acceptance is the hardest thing to do and I realize that with so much held anger, acceptance is what I have to encourage to get through this.

 

Last night, my most regular client for dog daycare (I've lost all my graphic design biz during this and am just watching dogs to get by) told me that she too had tried to get off Zoloft by using a Prozac bridge but ultimately the WD was too severe and she ended up back on Zoloft but at 25mg instead of 50. She has a high-level job and it was just untenable for her to continue.

 

This is truly the hardest journey I have been on (and I speak as someone who had a brain tumor). I do believe that this is forcing me to find a sustainable, healthy, different way to engage anxiety and depression because the former way quit working.

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wantrelief
58 minutes ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

acceptance is what I have to encourage to get through this

I think this is really true and have been working on this myself.  There was a great book I read several years ago called "How To Be Sick" written by a woman who developed a chronic illness (not related to psychiatric meds) that left her bed/house bound.  She had to give up her career as a law professor.  Anyway, I believe she was quite involved in the Buddhist community prior to getting sick so a lot of her insights are from a Buddhist perspective.  I keep meaning to reread this book to reacquaint myself with the lessons she learned as I believe she does address the concept of acceptance and how she eventually made the most out of her experience.

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FarmGirlWorks

Thanks, @wantrelief -- just placed a hold on it at the library. That doesn't necessarily mean I'll read it but at least it's a step.

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wantrelief
2 minutes ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Thanks, @wantrelief -- just placed a hold on it at the library. That doesn't necessarily mean I'll read it but at least it's a step.

I totally get what you are saying... I've been meaning to re-read it but have I yet...no.  But, yes, any small step is good. :) 

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