success ☼ FarmGirlWorks: sertraline WD - kundalini yoga helping

[FarmGirlWorks]

Thanks @wantrelief. It did help yesterday. Today I woke up with a wicked headache that still abides. Less head pressure, though.

 

I had a crazy dream (alert! dream recounting following) that I was on a bed and drank a psychedelic smoothie. I immediately left my body and floated toward the ceiling. I was so psyched to be free and was trying to "swim" thru the ceiling and leave this barren existence. But I floated back down beside my body who was in the bed and obviously very sick, feverish. I sat beside and comforted. The moral of the dream I think is that we can't escape our sick bodies and some self-TLC is what we need to do. Or something like that.

 

Good news was I went to see "Porgy & Bess" last night and made it thru. Maybe it was the decaf coffee that is the cause of the headache. Idk.

[Carmie]

Hi Farmgirl, 

 

It’s good to read that acupuncture has helped you. I’m hoping to go back to acupuncture soon too. I’m sorry you get headaches. Someone else on here was saying too that they get headaches. Not much fun! I hope the acupuncture continues to help you with different symptoms.

 

Im hoping to go for weekly acupuncture sessions again. There is a lot we can do to help ourselves, but there are some things we can’t do much about. Time will heal! We will get there in the end. 

 

Wishing you a happy day ☀️☀️☀️

[pinkfairy]

Hi famgirl works just stopping by to say hello xxx

[FarmGirlWorks]

20 hours ago, Carmie said:

m hoping to go for weekly acupuncture sessions again. There is a lot we can do to help ourselves, but there are some things we can’t do much about. Time will heal!

@Carmie So true. A friend was telling me about a craniosacral/acupuncture person. Might try that once depending on price. But, you are right: time, time, time heals.

[FarmGirlWorks]

17 month update after sertraline CT: seems like the 16-month update was just yesterday -- I guess that's a good sign. In August, I suffered a recurrence of akathisia for 5 days, SI, anxiety, headaches, head pressure, and utterly total emotional exhaustion. I spent a lot of time on self-care including acupuncture, starting a kundalini course about "Vitality and Stress", upping my participation in AA, and starting therapy (questioning how useful it is though). The acupuncture helped alleviate the head pressure and I used kundalini techniques (cold water, yo!) to ease the headaches which were wicked.

 

My current metaphor is that WD is like a thick fog and while this fog seems impenetrable, the bottom is gradually lifting and I can see the ground below with rocks and pebbles, shadows of feet flitting by.

 

As September starts, existence improves. It got cooler and I could turn off my (very!) noisy portable AC. The weather -- sunny and in the low 70s -- is perfect. I still feel emotionally exhausted and fell into rumination and couldn't get out of bed this morning but I did finally, one foot in front of the other. As they say in AA, don't give up before the miracle happens. So I persist.

[Carmie]

On 9/3/2018 at 6:52 AM, FarmGirlWorks said:

@Carmie So true. A friend was telling me about a craniosacral/acupuncture person. Might try that once depending on price. But, you are right: time, time, time heals.

 

Hi Farmgirlworks, 

 

I hope the acupuncture works well for you. My acupuncturist bulkbills here in Australia so I don’t have to pay anything which is great. He works three days a week. I was going to go this week but I haven’t as yet as I’ve been working on organising other things. I’ll ring the clinic in a minute n make appointments for next week.

 

I’m glad your existence has improved a little in September. 

 

Sending you hugs🤗

[FarmGirlWorks]

Short note that I have had cortisol spikes when lying down. I guess the solution is to never lie down 😳 Also had one day of akathisia two days ago. More friends drop away. I can't blame them. This is long and who can understand it or have sympathy this long. There are a few but I sense they're tired. However, the only way out of this dark, dark forest is to go through it.

[Rabe]

Im sorry FGW...that is difficult to accept from friends and family.  But you are right...my experience has been if a good day or so come up the thought is you are all better.  It is hard for them as well to deal with the waves it seems.  Take care of you!💜

[Carmie]

21 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Short note that I have had cortisol spikes when lying down. I guess the solution is to never lie down 😳 Also had one day of akathisia two days ago. More friends drop away. I can't blame them. This is long and who can understand it or have sympathy this long. There are a few but I sense they're tired. However, the only way out of this dark, dark forest is to go through it.

 

Im so sorry you’ve lost some more friends FarmGirlWorks, 

 

If they leave they weren’t real friends anyway as real friends stick with you through thick n thin. My friends have stuck with me no matter what. You will make more friends and learn to be a friend to yourself. How would you like your friends to treat you? Treat yourself like that. 

 

Just think too that one day you will recover n then you will have even more emotional energy to get out there and make new friends. 

 

Im sorry you’ve had a day of akathisia as well, I get it too, it’s the worst symptom ever. 

 

Wishng you all the best💚

[FarmGirlWorks]

Thanks @Carmie: it's true, I've realized that the friends who stick with you no matter what are the keepers. Maybe it is a little how long you've known someone. Whatever the case, I am too tired to care anymore. Glad your friends have stuck by you... that is so heartening. And yes: #akasthisiasucks.

[Carmie]

On 9/10/2018 at 3:21 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

Thanks @Carmie: it's true, I've realized that the friends who stick with you no matter what are the keepers. Maybe it is a little how long you've known someone. Whatever the case, I am too tired to care anymore. Glad your friends have stuck by you... that is so heartening. And yes: #akasthisiasucks.

 

Hi Farmgirlworks, 

 

I like your hashtag. Yes, akathisia definitely sucks. 

 

Sending hugs🤗

[FarmGirlWorks]

I post this as a belief that we are all healing even if it is invisible and hard to discern. Last night, at kundalini yoga, I had a physical breakthrough. While tapping meridians, I was able to do it with alternating fists. In the past, I've only been able to do it with both fists moving at the same time due to the weakness of my right side nerves which have made me uncoordinated, unbalanced. This seems like a small move, but it was HUGE to me as I carry so much stress from my disability.

 

Now, yesterday sucked as far as my mood (high anxiety and feeling tearful) and some head pressure went. I almost took a benadryl. And, to be clear, this nerve issue (I'm guessing peripheral but not sure) was from brain tumor surgery which was way before withdrawal. It was a good reminder however that nerves do recover and it takes a long-a$$ time for them to heal. It gave me clarity that the CNS (oh so silently) is recovering too.

[wantrelief]

Thank you for the encouraging post, FGW.  You must have been so amazed at what you were able to do last night!  Your experience is indeed a good reminder that we are healing even if it feels far from it.

[Rosetta]

I'm so pleased to see that you have discovered some more healing!  

[FarmGirlWorks]

Noting for future reference that I started Larin (estrogen/progesterone)  at 20mg every other day to alleviate peri menopausal symptoms (to date: night sweats, increased irritability, feeling like tears but no crying). My cycle is overdue by around 4 weeks so I figure It’s Happening. Plan is to take this birth control pill for 6 mos and taper the next 6. Of course, this is a risk with WD but I am taking it as yesterday was off the hook crazy. 

 

Any feedback welcome, of course.

[FarmGirlWorks]

Attended a kundalini teacher training this weekend which was profound. It feels like some cells were re-wired. So it is odd because there is still deep sadness, despair and fleeting SI, but it is of a different flavor than before. The training was about "vitality and stress" so now I have practical tools to move through this.

 

I did talk to a woman who came off ADs; she tapered for 6 months and it took around 2 years for her to not feel like a breathing husk. It was again validating and hopeful to see a person who went through this hell and understands. Previously she had several years of suicidality. Now, she is a therapist/yoga teacher and leads a group about spiritual emergence. She used a term to describe "us" as "experiencers." I asked what that meant and she said that it was someone who has experienced the western model of drugging people with mental health challenges and then experienced the hell of withdrawal. I'm partial to "psychiatric survivor" (courtesy of @manymoretodays) but like the etheric "experiencer" too which connotes moving through something as well.

[wantrelief]

It sounds like you feel like things have shifted positively since attending the training despite having symptoms.....so great to hear, FGW.  And how wonderful to have gained more tools to help you navigate this journey.  Also interesting to hear about your meeting with the woman who came off of ADs and is now thriving....that must have been reassuring to talk with her.  

[DMV64]

3 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Attended a kundalini teacher training

Wow! Awesome. I want to hear more!!

[FarmGirlWorks]

Thanks @DMV64 and @wantrelief. The training was 6 days (three weekends for three months) and the lead instructor from LA came up to teach. I decided to do this in April as the SI was bad and I needed something to look forward to. He talked about brain processes and how kundalini works on changing, aligning them in the body. I really am beginning to see the whole body as one organism instead of the sum of its parts (duh). Classes included instruction, kriyas (sets of movements), meditation, and sharing/q&a. It was especially powerful this past weekend to be there and processing the SCOTUS confirmation (and I say this not knowing what your political viewpoint is just that it is a flash point for all). Powerful times.

 

I feel like this WD, as completely terrifying as it can be, is part of a period of transformation. I have always wanted instant results but this WD has thrown me into a long, slow change. I want to come out of this time not just with a few anxiety coping tools but a different person. That may sound ridiculous -- at least it does as I type this -- but it's the truth.

[Rosetta]

On October 8, 2018 at 11:36 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

 

 

I feel like this WD, as completely terrifying as it can be, is part of a period of transformation. I have always wanted instant results but this WD has thrown me into a long, slow change. I want to come out of this time not just with a few anxiety coping tools but a different person. That may sound ridiculous -- at least it does as I type this -- but it's the truth.

 

So do I.  I'm glad you were able to go to the seminar.

[FarmGirlWorks]

Wow. It must be bad.

 

My mother who hardly ever reaches out just called to advise me to reinstate so I didn't continue suffering so badly. WTF. I asked her if she had heard this on tv; I was hoping that maybe there was a mainstream news program about withdrawal and maybe this was getting out more. No. She said, "I was a nurse and treated people with depression. I know it is not good to go off suddenly or try to tough it out without help." WTF. I never knew this and she never said anything about it to me. I wish she had told me. Especially before entering this. We have a not-close-at-all relationship. I told her that it is too late to reinstate, my pdoc knows about it, and I am getting support from The Internet. She got quite derisive about The Internet (for the record, this is a woman who has dial phones, no answering machine, no cell phone, and definitely not internet) and insisted that I get western medical help. I tried to explain the situation in simple terms but she quickly became (as is her way) condescending. Then she prayed for me on the phone and said to let her know how I am.

 

At least she is reaching out. I think she is reaching out as I have (thanks AA) been more honest recently. Not hiding my situation with banal updates. I recently wrote a letter to her saying that I wasn't coming back soon as I can't afford it (flying across the country and renting a car is expensive) and I am not mentally healthy yet. The subtext here is healthy enough at least to deal with her histrionics but I really don't think she remembers the shite she has put on the past two years. It is truly unbelievable. Anyways, being more honest with people gives them the opportunity to dump you (this happened recently) or reach out (this has happened too).

 

I'm going to reach out here and ask for the wise words of @JanCarol or @manymoretodays (or whomever, really) as they always help. Today has been bad with SI and cortisol spikes. I read @Rosetta post (hi, big warm hugs)  and that someone told her 2.5 years approximately to feel better after a fast taper. Ugh... I am just so damn tired of me like this. And maybe I am being stubborn doing this. I don't know anymore.

[Rosetta]

We are tracking each other's symptoms again.  A big hug to you. - R

[manymoretodays]

On 10/14/2018 at 7:32 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

I'm going to reach out here and ask for the wise words of @JanCarol or @manymoretodays (or whomever, really) as they always help. Today has been bad with SI and cortisol spikes. I read @Rosetta post (hi, big warm hugs)  and that someone told her 2.5 years approximately to feel better after a fast taper. Ugh... I am just so damn tired of me like this. And maybe I am being stubborn doing this. I don't know anymore.

 

Oh.  I'm good for giving hugs, and laughs tonight, FGW. 

I got all caught up in listening to a political debate/discussion tonight.......between a couple candidates.  I can't avoid everything anymore.  And now......I know who I will cast my vote for.

.......so........that was wise, eh?

When was your last decent day?  Let's start from there.  I did see some mention of your Mom and upset around that.  That can often be the hard stuff.......learning to cope with what was always there, but somehow it just seems harder when you are getting clear of the drugs, and on into some time with W/D.

 

I'll sleep on it though.......as far as coming up with something that helps me.......and then share.......hoping it will help you.

I'm reading a William Styron book right now.......such a good writer.  Maybe I'll hit a passage of his that hits the spot for me.

 

My Mum told me I should try Chantix to quit smoking..........and ugh!!!  I have been tapering, and this roofer came, who quit while using Chantix, while I was visiting my Mum.  Anyway......she must have missed the part where he said...... he did not even take it as prescribed, and went off it quicker than he was supposed to.  My Mum doesn't always hear everything. (well, she probably does but does the selective hearing and that's okay.......because she is 90 and 1/2 years old........she can do what she wants and hear what she wants)  I think she is a great Mom and person.........NOW.......it wasn't always this/that way.

  Anyhoo......no way would I try Chantix.  And I stayed outwardly mellow........and mostly inwardly mellow.  Your Mom just wants you to feel well and healthy.......I mean keep that in mind, it helps.  Even if.......it's a tough relationship.......no doubt she cares.  Our Mom's come from another generation too.  Mine is actually more supportive of me being mentally ill.......I'm sure you understand what I'm saying.  She wants me to conform.  To just what.......I'm not sure........as far as what she thinks I might be that I'm not or something.  Anyway......she loves me.........and I......have........utmost respect.......for her.  Love her hugely!!!

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

(oh, that made my night......that I might have a wise word once in a while.......thank you.......big hug)

Edited October 16, 2018 by manymoretodays
elaboration

[FarmGirlWorks]

Thanks for writing back to me, @manymoretodays... you do have words of wisdom and I appreciate your humor.

 

13 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

but somehow it (relationships) just seems harder when you are getting clear of the drugs, and on into some time with W/D.

That does seem true. Last year was still fresh into this journey to The Underworld and I don't remember the relationships being as hard as they are now. Of course, this was pre-AA and being more honest which changes dynamics of relationships. They were getting more fragile though... or at least I was. Yes, my mother is a Major Trigger and I keep reminding myself to be aware of that and shake it off. Literally, like a dog with wet fur. It helps break up the electromagnetic field/aura.

 

13 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

When was your last decent day?  Let's start from there.

Last decent day? I truly can't remember, sometime in August was when I had a stretch of a few good days. I have had a few good hours sporadically since then, sometimes a good half a day. I started The Change last month in that my periods -- light before but regular -- stopped with occasional spotting. There has been grief there which is probably intensified by WD. So much wasted time... but that rabbit hole is never good (change the channel). My pdoc suggested a low-dose Pill to alleviate the physical symptoms and ease the mood but after just one I got extremely agitated for three days and also developed burning skin, a new symptom. I stopped and am back to baseline depression/anxiety. Ironically the night sweats stopped. The depression has taken on a different flavor and maybe that is menopause. I just get freaked out because it is supposed to last so long!

 

Really, I don't have an exact question. I am just hoping the windows start to appear more frequently and for longer. I saw somewhere here that rapid tapers/cold turkeys have a similar timeline to long tapers for recovery just more intense symptoms. And both my mother and my best friend (this was after my wail of a self-pitying post) said they were worried about me, which increased my worry about me 🙂 Thanks for your help.

[powerback]

Hi FGWS ,I see by your sig that you drink Kombucha ,does this have an alcohol content and do you make your own along with the kimchi .

[FarmGirlWorks]

I don't make either on my own... yet. I hope to feel well/organized enough to make it on my own soon. But they have large bottles of it in some grocery stores here. I think there is a tiny bit of alcohol from fermentation in the kombucha but I am okay with that.

[powerback]

2 minutes ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

I don't make either on my own... yet. I hope to feel well/organized enough to make it on my own soon. But they have large bottles of it in some grocery stores here. I think there is a tiny bit of alcohol from fermentation in the kombucha but I am okay with that.

its very hard to find the likes of sauerkraut or kimchi unpasteurised ,I keep meaning to make my own because 2 different batches of strong probiotics have given me brain fog and im not wasting any more money to find a different strain .

I was making my own water kefir last year  .bought some goats milk kefir last week ,very strong taste .

Take care .

[FarmGirlWorks]

19 months off Sertraline after rapid taper: Current symptoms are depression/anxiety with more of an angry edge. In the last two days, I have exploded a couple times at people close to me. I'm angry that this is the reality I exist in right now. Really having a hard time finding anything pleasurable. But I have had periods of compassion for others and not getting triggered or angry at some stressful events. For instance, my alternator belt broke on an on-ramp to the freeway and a woman yelled at me that I had "bad feng shui and that's why your car broke down." I am pretty sure she meant karma. Whatever the case, I flipped her off but wasn't angry about it at all, just amused. However, I got a $450 parking ticket the other day (no, that is not a typo) and just lost it in anger and high anxiety. I guess when there are real repercussions, I lose it. I would like to be calmer. But my symptoms yo-yo every few days between feeling stable if not happy and then quite angry and self-pitying.

 

In the last few weeks, I do not have head pressure (knock on wood) or akathisia (double knock on wood). Balance is okay usually but goes awry when I'm stressed. Still have cog fog but am better at recovering when I forget what I was going to say. I just kind of speak slowly and often it comes back. Not always but this is an improvement.

 

Forgot to say that I took The Pill (estrogen/progesterone) just one time on Sept 24th; it resulted in three days of extreme agitation and burning skin -- a WD symptom I never had before. It scared me badly and I stopped immediately. I have been back to baseline emotions and irregular periods but no burning skin.

 

That's it. Not great but definitely better than this time last year.

[wantrelief]

You are doing great, FGW!  It is a good sign that somethings have improved and you can say you feel better than this time last year.  I know progress can feel sooooo slow but you are getting there, my friend.  

[Rosetta]

Hi FGW,

I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling with anger.  That is tough.  I had that for a while pretty consistently.  Now it's fleeting.  The way this syndrome affects our emotions is so difficult.  You are not alone.  Please remember that.  And this is temporary, too.  Sometimes the only thing I can do is say that to myself over and over.

Sending all my love, 

Rosetta

[Kristine]

Thinking of you FGW (((hugs))) K 💖 xox

[FarmGirlWorks]

Have been reading success stories like crazy, trying to fortify in this current wave. Not sure how long it has been going on and I was thinking of it mainly as "dark, black depression" but, after reading a few threads here (thanks @Shep, your intelligent and honest posts that have been such a blessing for fellow CTers... and I think I have a political crush on you 😍) I realize that there have been some other symptoms happening as well.

• Startle reflex: when I hear an unexpected noise the past week, I jump inside and sometimes feel a cortisol rush.
• Distress about hearing jarring music/noises: I made myself go to a French film in Palm Springs last week while visiting CA. The whole scene there of plastic surgery and bling was distressing enough but the film, while good, was set after WWI and featured several scenes of explosions, death, and a suicide. Stress! Then, as the credits rolled, a can-can song came on and I *lost* it. As I tried to bolt out of my seat, I dropped my mug of herbal tea and had to stay longer, searching for it on the floor while listening to that cacophonous can-can music. Arrrgh. Thanks to a member here who took a panicked text from me and talked me off the ledge.
• Utter tactlessness. Different than anhedonia but not rage, I just am straight up if someone has pissed me off. And not caring what the results are. Oh god, and full-disclosure, I've been sticking my tongue out behind peoples' back if they piss me off. Somehow I feel that this is part of a very uncomfortable WD phase.

I was reminded of the metaphor of a thorn being pulled from the flesh and how painful it is for so long -- and even more so when it is being extracted. Definitely feeling the thorn being ripped out.

[FarmGirlWorks]

Reporting that I feel fragile but stabilized after that last tsunami of darkness. The debilitating headache that I had for 3-4 days subsided yesterday morning. I've gone to many more AA meetings; I may dislike Seattle because of the conspicuous income inequality, but sure glad to be getting sober here as there are so many meetings. Have also binge-read SA threads, esp. the one about "acceptance." That is one component of recovery that I have not done and turns out it is the one that matters the most. So yeah, it is okay that I feel depressed and inadequate. It is okay that I had a crazy headache where I could actually feel my brain "stretching" and tight shoulders and occasional cortisol rushes. It is okay that... and so on. I feel quite sad that this is where I am at now -- did not expect it --  but also a bit lighter for just trying to accept myself, my foibles, and other peoples' foibles. Of course, "trying" is the operative word 🙄

[wantrelief]

I am so glad to hear you feel more stabilized, FGW. You've gotten through a really awful sounding time, doing what you can to cope through it which is really impressive.  I hear you on the trying part of acceptance.....all we can do is try.  You are doing great, FGW; I am always in awe of your strength.  

[Rosetta]

Hi FGWs.  I'm glad you are feeling better.  Someday it will all be behind us.  I can't wait, and I know you can't either.

[manymoretodays]

20 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Reporting that I feel fragile but stabilized after that last tsunami of darkness. The debilitating headache that I had for 3-4 days subsided yesterday morning. I've gone to many more AA meetings; I may dislike Seattle because of the conspicuous income inequality, but sure glad to be getting sober here as there are so many meetings. Have also binge-read SA threads, esp. the one about "acceptance." That is one component of recovery that I have not done and turns out it is the one that matters the most. So yeah, it is okay that I feel depressed and inadequate. It is okay that I had a crazy headache where I could actually feel my brain "stretching" and tight shoulders and occasional cortisol rushes. It is okay that... and so on. I feel quite sad that this is where I am at now -- did not expect it --  but also a bit lighter for just trying to accept myself, my foibles, and other peoples' foibles. Of course, "trying" is the operative word 🙄

 

I say "bravo" to all this and to your feeling stabilized!  Tsunami's indeed.  Mine are more minor, me thinks.  I'd use an earthquake scale, but even that might be a bit too much.......seeing as I......continue......to..........strive........for.........the........middle ground.

Vulnerable comes to mind for me, rather than fragile.......and of course that applies to my journey.  Fragile.  Hmmm.  Keep yourself warm and comforted.  Big quilts or fluffy comforters are coming to mind.

 

That's good that your location works well for you now.  I don't know that I could deal with the rains and cloudy skies of Seattle on a 24/7 basis.

Binge reading!  Awesome.

 

So glad to hear you are "back", in that way of being "back" to self assessed stability.  Yay!

Love, peace, healing, and growth......gratitude and hugs,

mmt