Dancingspirit90: introduction- long hard story but happy ending with my recovery

[Dancingspirit90]

I've spent the last 13 years on various ant-depressants, anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, and benzodiazapines.  I was most recently on 80mg of Latuda and 900mg of Trileptal when the doctor who diagnosed me when i was 14 called to tell me she was wrong.  She told me that I didn't need the drugs, and never had.  My mom died from side effects of psychotropics and I had already pretty much figured out that the drugs weren't the answer for me.  From February to June of this year I titrated myself off of them.

 

 I didn't trust psychiatrists to help me and I couldn't find one when I looked who would help.  During this time, I finished graduate school taking a double load, started a new job as a consultant for the government where I protect children from bad medical advice, applied for a very high position and interviewed, moved in with my boyfriend full time, and he switched jobs, too.  I let go of almost all of my friends during this process.  When I came to, I realized that they were all really fake or bad people or just plain weirdos.  I have three friends in town that I don't get to see very often, one very good long distance friend, and then my best friend/partner.  A few of my family members have been really supportive and that has been really great.

 

 I take fish oil and that seems to make a big difference with the withdrawal symptoms. I was doing really great and felt like I was becoming normal again after these 13 years, but then I started having my period again.  I stopped having my period on the drugs about 10 years ago.  It has been so hard.  I feel so weak like I am going to pass out.  On top of that, I ended up not getting the big job I applied for.  In addition to that, I am a social worker in the mental health/medical field and the secret motivations of others that I'm finally aware enough to pick up on feel so frighteningly devious.

 

 The most recent developments with "coming to" as I call it has been finding out that my sister was on and off verbally and emotionally abusive to me when I was on the drugs. I was easily manipulated on them because I couldn't remember things very well or keep my mind coherent.   I think she would yell at me, but to be honest I can't really remember what the fights were like.  I just remember afterwards feeling a rush when we would make up.  She doesn't like me very much anymore the way I am now.  She says we fight a lot now.  The only difference is that I can remember when we fight and I don't instantly forgive her or give in to her adult tantrums.  We grew up basically without parents, so she parented me.  She always seemed like a wonderful mother/protector that was my best friend.  It has been such a shock to realize who she really is.  She was a huge support for me, but now that I understand how she treats me, i can't reach out to her anymore.

 

 There was a period of almost two years when I got into an abusive relationship. This was three years ago.  I look back on that time and I can't really believe it was real. I know that I tolerated the way he treated me (the yelling, the not working, the financial abuse, the breaking objects) because I was on the drugs.  My mind was so hazy I couldn't think straight.  I also know that it was because of the way my sister treated me and her relationship with her boyfriend.  Their unhealthy model made me think that what he was doing was acceptable.  I somehow was able to get myself together and kick him out after he almost punched me.

 

Shortly after that I started working out.  Over a period of two years i lost 80 pounds working out and being able to eat health again when I had a med change in early 2016.  The med change in early 2016 came when I gained insomnia for the first time in my life.

 

I was in a relationship with a dangerous liar who was using me for sex.  My hazy drugged brain couldn't figure it out, but I would become anxious and alert because deep inside of me, I knew what was happening.  This turned out to be a great thing for me.  We broke up when he was done with me and I got on new drugs.  These had a much looser hold on me.  I was studying behaviorism in graduate school and the way my "illness" had been defined,diagnosed,and treated did not make sense to me.

 

 I started dating a friend and he is really good to me.  Somehow he tapped into the part of me that was most me.  I got off of "sleeping pills" first, last year.  These turned out to have been making me very high and "go go go". I calmed down a lot after that and started sleeping better.  I was also able to identify that I was over medicated by talking to him and realized that I couldn't feel my emotions properly.  That is when I saw that my psychiatrist would never help me get off of the drugs.  She yelled at me when I said I was over medicated and barely agreed to lower me from the max dose (which had been placed by an entirely different doctor).

 

 I've been  been hospitalized a number of times because of the drugs-three times in a mental hospital and twice in a medical hospital. The top most upsetting thing to find out has been that I never had any illness...at all.  Now that I am off the drugs I don't have anxiety, depression, psychosis, or any of the weird ways these would manifest  I noticed these symptoms fade away as the drugs left my system.  I was and am so proud that I was able to get off of them, especially while doing so much else with my life.  I've been through some awful physical side effects, but mentally I have been so clear and myself.

 

 I'm not always happy, because along with my lack of mental illness symptoms has come a level of consciousness I have never experienced as an adult.  Not only do I suddenly remember all of the traumatic things I went through with my mom and her drugs, my own drugs, and my own life, I'm also painfully aware of other people's emotions, motivations, and actions.  Everything came back into focus sharper than it does for most people, I think.  I'm having to cope with the realities of materialism and our society-suddenly all at once.  I think I get exposed to the evils of the world much more than the average person, too, in my job doing social work.  My eyes are open to a lot now that I just couldn't see before.

 

My withdrawal symptoms included getting hot every time I was hungry, food intake fluctuations, heat sensitivity, sudden sleepiness, insomnia, food sensitivity, weakness, tingling in my foot, sensory sensitivity, and general disorientation due to how aware of people's tones and body language I am now.

 

When I came to, though, I realized I had done really good for myself despite the drugs.  I have a very high powered career and am the youngest person of my type of position in our agency, but have the highest level of education.  I graduated with my masters with a 3.9 gpa and got through my undergrad with a medication induced learning disability and my mother's death with a 3.2 gpa at a top university.

 

 I escaped two abusive relationships and am now going to marry a very trust worthy, kind, hardworking man who also happens to be the most handsome man I have ever seen.  Somehow we were able to take care of our relationship with everything I was going through and his 70% traveling job for a whole year.  We just moved to a huge two bedroom apartment in the nicest part of town and I am completely able to pay my half of the bills and all of my own bills.  His trauma from being abused has been healing and we have been living together post-his traveling job for three months and it has been the most amazing life.

 

 While I have a much smaller number of friends than I once had, I have four friends I can really trust and rely on.  Some are available more often than others, but four seems like a huge blessing to me.  I sleep full nights most nights after 13 years of drug induced sleep.  This started on day two of no drugs.  i didn't get the big job I interviewed for, but my supervisor thinks it was due to administrative errors and my application being allowed to be sent through to too high a position.  I was sent through to an above entry level position because of how good I look on paper.  She is getting me ready for the entry level position interview in two months.  Despite that, I am being recognized as a talented writer and assessor at work.  The most anyone ever noticed about my withdrawal symptoms was that I talked fast sometimes and that is over.  

 

New withdrawal symptoms have been happening these two weeks I've had my period and that has been a set back in my recovery.  

 

Writing all of this down makes me feel proud of myself and know that I can get through this.

Edited August 4, 2017 by AliG
added paragraph breaks

[AliG]

Welcome Dancing Spirit.That's a great name. I'm so sorry that you have been all over the place with your doctors and also have had a long history of drugs. Unfortunately this is often how we land in this place but it's great that you have found us and can now learn how to navigate this process.

 

From February to June of this year I titrated myself off of them. How did you do that ? What dose at what rate ?  What are you on now? It sounds like you tapered quickly and are currently on no drugs. Is this correct?   

Would you mind adding your drug history signature? Please put your withdrawal history in your signature.

You will get through this and you have come so far already. There is a possibility that you may want to reinstate a small amount as you may have tapered too quickly in which case, a minute amount could make a substantial difference to your symptoms.

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

Have a read through the link and see what you think.  Please come back with any other concerns or questions.

[nz11]

DS any update?

[Altostrata]

@Dancingspirit90, how are you doing?