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Why is it so hard for me to fake being nice?


phenomcs

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Seriously, why? I feel like I'm naturally an ******* and I have to fake it to make it, all day every day around 99.99% of the people I meet because I can't stand 99.99% of the people on this planet.

 

I'm on Escitalopram 10mg/day for anxiety and 1mg of ativan to take if I have a panic attack. I have now successfully been fired or quit from my last 4 jobs due to going off the handle on someone about something. It always starts with someone telling me what to do or telling me that I'm wrong. While that starts to annoy me, it's not really the issue of trying to show me how to do something right, and point out what I did wrong, it's the fact that they come off as a complete d*ck about the subject with a poor, aggressive, condescending, talk-down-to-me-attitude pretty much begging me to react in a demeaning manner. I can't stand being told what to do when it's done poorly in such a rude way and I can't stand being talked down to as if they're some how better than me. My wife tells me to grin and bear it no matter what and my only response is I can't; because I will not tolerate being treated that way and if they want to talk to me the way they do, I'll push back until they stop pushing, which 5/5 times results in getting fired. I feel like a sociopath trying to live a normal life, because I tend not to give a **** about how I treat anybody once they wrong me. A normal person like my wife would just walk away, laugh, ignore, or run and tell at her work with the things that happen to me on a daily basis at work, I on the other hand however feel the need to flip **** and get the last word in, no matter what it takes. I guess I'll have to tell this to my counselor when I see him again, because things were going great at this last job and I had one instance and flipped out on one of the workers and got canned. I just suck at life.

7/2015 - Started Effexor 75mg, bumped up to 100mg about a month later and eventually stopped at 150mg.

7/2016 -Weened off from 150mg  of Effexor over the course of a little over a month.

10/2016 - Towards the end up October I drank, smoked some weed had a nasty reaction I never had before

12/2016 - Started having real bad anxiety and panic attacks, can't sleep.

12/12/2016 - Had Doctor appointment, was put on 10mg of Buspar and 10 mg of Lexapro. Took that day and had HORRIBLE side effects.

12/13/2016 - Couldn't Sleep, couldn't eat, my nervous system felt like it was constantly in fight or flight.

12/14/2016 - Had a mental breakdown when wife got home for lunch, went into ER got 1mg of Ativan and that seemed to alleviate

12/16/2016 - Was advised to get off 10mg of buspar and take only the 10mg of Lexapro.

12/17/2016 - Started having some anxiety and racing thoughts come back. Started the 10mg of Lexapro with minimal side effects

8/2017 - Stayed on the 10mg of Effexor - Working really well aside from some break through anxiety I have been getting in the am

8/1/2017 - Started seeing a consular for panic disorder and anxiety. I am to remain on my meds until I am confident enough to start weening

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Hi phenomcs thanks for this post ,I thinks this a very interesting post .

Do you believe it is probably down to withdrawl/meds .

there's a great thread about neuro emotions on the site ,we can let  our thoughts wander to a very self  destructive state.

I've had to learn to try not  listen to the first thought in my head ,but its very hard .

 

I wonder have I always had some sort of inferiority complex and I'm trying to be very honest with my self to get better and stay off meds for ever .looking back on my childhood and realising I had anxiety but never knew then .it really held me back and I didn't progress at the same pace as my peers ,this is very painful to admit but I've explored all these uncomfortable feelings since therapy 5 years ago [was on meds so access to emotions and feelings cut off ].

the real work will start when off the meds .

I've done loads of work and reading about the ego ,Eckhart tolle has some great videos on it ,it has really helped me train the ego and I nearly never get into the situations I used to get into  .if were loosing jobs and relationships because of our behaviour ,we have to look into why and understand it .

I'm also extremely irritable in withdrawl ,keep an eye on that .

take care

PB

Alcohol free since February 2015 

1MG diazepam

4.5MG PROZAC.

 

 

 

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