JanCarol - undiagnosed! Off all "bipolar" drugs!

[JanCarol]

Hi !

Frank asks:
 

On 12/5/2019 at 5:41 AM, Frankgrimes said:

 Did you have the burning and physical pain and temperature issues during your taper?

 

It's complicated, because while I was on lithium, I lost complete interest in everything, and so - the doctors were happy to take my ovaries & thyroid, so I have a complex endocrine problem.

The lithium damaged my kidneys - I still have bouts of what I call "kidney dumping" where the kidneys dump so much fluid it is impossible to sleep because I have to get up every half hour.  (When on lithium, I had full blown diabetes insipidus, and it was like this every night.)   It's possible - with water and electrolytes - to prevent these.  They usually come when I am stressed and not paying as much attention to how much and what I am drinking.  

 

I have chronic pain, pretty much all over.  It doesn't take much to set me off.  But is that from the lithium?  The injuries?  The thyroid (chronic tendinitis)?  I can't say that is all about the lithium.

 

For several years I had autonomic dysregulation - I couldn't control my temperature and went absolutely mad with overheat and cold.  I lived rugged up for most of the year, even though I live in a subtropical climate (like middle of Mexican coast).  But then I would overheat.  Then freeze.  Then overheat.  I still have a narrow window of what is comfortable for me - sweats can turn me into an evil witch.

 

For the pain, my best answer is magnesium.  I take 400-600 mg of good quality magnesium daily.  I soak in magnesium baths.  If I miss my magnesium baths I will get painful cramps.  When I get the opportunity, I go to the Float Tanks, which are saturated with Epsom Salts magnesium.  I can never eliminate the pain, as I'm buggered six ways to Sunday - but I can feel better.

I get a lot of massage, at least 2x a month.  Again - I cannot say that it is the lithium which did this to me!  But it is easy for me to overtire, easy for me to become racked with pain.  I survive day-to-day with a topical CBD balm.  This is the strongest one I've found:  Saving Grace Relief Rub

 

The other damage I'm left with is what the medicos call "pre-diabetic" - or what I call metabolic disorder.  I'm fat.  It is extremely hard for me to lose weight, even though I walk & do tai chi daily, go to karate 1-2x a week.  Eat simply.  I probably eat half of what my husband does, and to lose 100 grams is a major victory.  Additionally, my digestive system goes out of balance very easily - and I get IBS.  I've been working on my gut biome with prescription probiotics.  I haven't quite gotten to the poo transplant, but I had IBS for 7 years.

 

Additionally (and I do think this is the lithium) I had a long period of cardiac irregularities.  I think on my thread I called it the Badger in my chest.  The cardio folks called them ectopic heartbeats - and said that exercise made it better.  Well I had been exercising, and I did take some herbs (hawthorn, motherwort, beet powder), and continued to exercise, and that just cleared up.  Went away like it was never ever there.  I think it was something I had to go through as a withdrawal symptom.

 

Moodwise, I am still challenged.  I have to do my daily rituals and make sure there are enough aminos and fat in my diet (that's meat, folks!) to stay on the path. I have a default to suicidal ideation anytime things get rough - from years of being suicidal and walking with it.  I'm not saying I am in any danger, or that I ever have been in any danger.  It just wears one down to have to "not entertain" those thoughts, or to "change the channel" because those thoughts are heavy and have gravity.  So I perform my daily rituals which are, currently:

Lots of fish oil (4000 iu) and Magnesium (400-600 mg)

Some medicinal aminos - NAC, Inositol
Lemon Water with MSM and mushroom complex for digestion

Sun walk (must do or mood falls) - challenging in 100 degree weather

Medicine Wheel - greeting the medicine wheel to ground and orient and pray and prepare for what I have to do.

Sleep - about 9-10 hours a night

Exercise daily - about 20-30 minutes of tai chi plus extra practice when I teach and go to classes.

Meditation daily - just 10 minutes, to still my heart and center my mind.

 

Then there's the social maintenance of - talking to people (sometimes on the internet, sometimes face to face - I hate the telephone).

This is about 2 hours of "maintenance" - sometimes more on karate or tai chi days.  Just maintenance - the bare minimum of what I need to survive in this world.

 

I don't know how "normal" people do it.  Just run and run and run and never stop to see where they are in the universe, or take care of their bodies.  I think this is why we have a sick society.

I hope you see the Sun today (I won't, as it's too blasted  hot out there!  but I will pass through sunshine on my way to my massage!  AHhhhhhh!)

 

 

 

Edited December 6, 2019 by JanCarol
clean up sloppy writing

[JackieDecides]

On 12/5/2019 at 6:58 PM, JanCarol said:

Sun walk (must do or mood falls) - challenging in 100 degree weather

 

I so understand this - my mood has been SO much different since I moved to a climate with much less sun. it's supposed to be cloudy all day today (maybe all weekend) and I dread this.  I use my Happy Light but can't tell if it's helping or not. 

 

 

On 12/5/2019 at 6:58 PM, JanCarol said:

I don't know how "normal" people do it.  Just run and run and run and never stop to see where they are in the universe, or take care of their bodies.  I think this is why we have a sick society.

 

I think this is VERY true. 

 

I'm sorry your life is so hard but I'm glad you know how to take care of yourself. ❤️

[JanCarol]

So the thought came to me this morning:  The whole world is going into withdrawal.

Some of it is cold turkey, some of it is tapering.  The scarcity of goods, as factories shut down.  The scarcity of money as businesses go under, people are laid off.  The isolation of, well, isolation.  The loss of freedoms.  The increase of police state, quarantine, and the inflation of medical powers.

If I look at this COVID19 crisis as withdrawal, we are in for interesting times.  And the time scale is longer than anyone is predicting.

My thoughts are that in a years time (March 2021) the dust will start to settle and we will see what we are left with.  It's not totally appropriate to talk about COVID19, but y'all are aware of withdrawal, and the rest of the world is not.  Most people have no idea what they are in for.  But if you look at it as withdrawal - the same advice applies.

Be kind to yourself.

Wait, be patient.

Be curious.

Take care of your body.

And be kind to yourself some more.

Interesting times.  I hope you see the sun today!  (good for immune system, too)

[Shep]

11 hours ago, JanCarol said:

Most people have no idea what they are in for.  But if you look at it as withdrawal - the same advice applies.

 

The parallels are striking, aren't they?

 

If anybody knows how to shelter in place with NetFlix, it's someone who's been through withdrawal. 

 

We'll survive this. 

Edited March 31, 2020 by Shep
fixed typo

[Glosmom]

Told my mother the other day, "I have been sheltering in place for 4 years with Glo.  Nothing about the world seems different to me right now. "  Wishing peace and hope to all who are suffering.  Glosmom

[JackieDecides]

On 3/30/2020 at 6:49 PM, JanCarol said:

It's not totally appropriate to talk about COVID19

 

why do you think so? it's a huge change for some of us and we can't help but be stressed by it as everyone is. why not talk about it? 

[JanCarol]

3 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

why do you think so? it's a huge change for some of us and we can't help but be stressed by it as everyone is. why not talk about it? 

 

I talked about it, didn't I?

Not inappropriate, just not as relevant to this forum as a more general one.  Not *totally* relevant.  Other than as a stressor we all feel.  It feels like 911 every day.

The only way out of this is through - just like withdrawal.  In my Prayers, it has come to me that if we respond with fear, we lose.  The only way through is to respond with love.  Care for each other.  Learn how to be kind in closed quarters.  Learn how to communicate caring from a distance.  Make sure our neighbours, loved ones, and strangers are fed and cared for.  Learn about strangers and "The Other" so that we can care.

Fear will only make things worse and is a waste of energy.  Focus on what is important, let that rise to the top of your attention and awareness.

The virus will do what it will do - just like in withdrawal, the drugs will do what they will do.  It is what it is.  There are ways to ameliorate with self-care.  For the virus it is keeping hands and face clean and protected0. And sadly, avoiding human contact.   For the drugs, it's keep the changes simple and soothe the nervous system.  Very similar feelings for a different phenomenon.

Take care yourself, and - talk freely.  I just didn't think it's right to fill these pages like the Evening News - all COVID all the time.  (and oh yeah turn off the news once you know what you need to).

I hope you see the Sun today.

[FarmGirlWorks]

On 3/30/2020 at 6:49 PM, JanCarol said:

So the thought came to me this morning:  The whole world is going into withdrawal.

Some of it is cold turkey, some of it is tapering.  The scarcity of goods, as factories shut down.  The scarcity of money as businesses go under, people are laid off.  The isolation of, well, isolation.  The loss of freedoms.  The increase of police state, quarantine, and the inflation of medical powers.

 

Yes! Spot on! Thank you for so clearly articulating this. I was irritated with people who are going "crazy" at the injustice of being isolated. And then becoming fearful and dark... oh how that is familiar territory.

 

Like @Glosmom said, we've been in isolation for a long time... We already have the tools and know how to get through this.

[Happy2Heal]

7 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Like @Glosmom said, we've been in isolation for a long time... We already have the tools and know how to get through this.

 

 

I understand that for a lot of us, this is true, but for  me it's the opposite

 

being in an unfeeling medicated fog for decades, *that* is when I was in insolation. I rarely left my home except to see a dr, get more drugs or buy food twice a month. I  had no friends, didn't socialize at all, had no job, nothing. I had my pets and my computer and that was it.

I lost nearly 2/3 of my life to being medicated and detached from life.

I can't even account for what I did with all that time, I don't know.

Getting off the drugs, that's what opened up my life. The anxiety of withdrawal was so awful, it was worse than the anxiety of going out and  meeting and being around other people. It forced me to get out and do things. It literally gave me a life that I never had before.

Now I have friends, I have a social life, I have a volunteer job, I enjoy going places and doing things with others, as well as doing some things alone when the mood strikes me.

 

so this enforced isolation now is very triggering to me. It's deeply upsetting. It reminds me of a time when I was more like the walking dead. I hate it!!

Many of my friends have at least a spouse or roommate or others whom they share their living space with, and some are still able to work and more or less required to) they are not totally alone as some of us are.
I bristle with anger when they keep suggesting that staying home is not that much of a sacrifice- well, maybe for them, it isn't, but they are not totally ALONE.

 

I get annoyed when they repeat on the updates on our local TV channel that we are "all in this together", of course I know what they mean, but no, we are not "together" in a literal sense and that's the problem for some of us.

 

This just underscores, I think, how WD recovery is different for everyone and how dealing this new challenge can be different for us too.

 

My main emotional response to our "current affairs" so far has been anger.

it's disrupted my life in so  many ways JUST when it was starting to get really really good. I'm 64 yrs old, I'm getting closer to that finish line and don't want any more of my precious time here to be stolen from me. This all makes me very angry.

 

I think that grief is surely a part of it too- and isn't anger one of those stages of grief? along with denial? (I was in denial at first, and probably still am to a certain degree, if only to avoid the intense anger and grief)

 

@JanCarol as always I enjoy your perspective on things and am glad that you shared it.

10 hours ago, JanCarol said:

Fear will only make things worse and is a waste of energy.  Focus on what is important, let that rise to the top of your attention and awareness.

 

 

well said! hard to do but worth trying at least!!

[JackieDecides]

10 hours ago, JanCarol said:

if we respond with fear, we lose. 

true and I guess it's true for life as a whole

 

10 hours ago, JanCarol said:

 turn off the news once you know what you need to

 

I wish everyone understood this - same with facebook

3 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

this enforced isolation now is very triggering to me. It's deeply upsetting. It reminds me of a time when I was more like the walking dead. I hate it!!

 

I'm so sorry - I feel like it's worse for me, too.  

[JackieDecides]

10 hours ago, JanCarol said:

I talked about it, didn't I?

yes, and I'm glad! I meant to post earlier (and got distracted by the 12 other windows I have open on my computer trying to connect with people) that I was very glad to read your post and agree with a lot of what you said. 

 

I have been trying hard to get over "envy" but I continue to struggle with it. now I really envy those who are able to work from home and it irritates me to hear people complain about it.  

[JanCarol]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

being in an unfeeling medicated fog for decades, *that* is when I was in insolation. I rarely left my home except to see a dr, get more drugs or buy food twice a month. I  had no friends, didn't socialize at all, had no job, nothing. I had my pets and my computer and that was it.

I lost nearly 2/3 of my life to being medicated and detached from life.

I can't even account for what I did with all that time, I don't know.

Getting off the drugs, that's what opened up my life. The anxiety of withdrawal was so awful, it was worse than the anxiety of going out and  meeting and being around other people. It forced me to get out and do things. It literally gave me a life that I never had before.

Now I have friends, I have a social life, I have a volunteer job, I enjoy going places and doing things with others, as well as doing some things alone when the mood strikes me.

 

so this enforced isolation now is very triggering to me. It's deeply upsetting. It reminds me of a time when I was more like the walking dead. I hate it!!

 

Hey Happy2Heal, good to see you here!

I hear what you are saying.  The same is true for me.  And it is different for everyone - just like this COVID thing is different for everyone.  Some of us have loved ones in the front line of human care.  Some of us have isolated elderly relatives.  Some of us have scarcity of goods (I expect that to be a major problem here in Oz because of the tyranny of distance).  All of us do not get enough contact.

When I was on drugs, I was in this socially isolated little bubble.  Sure, I had friends and made some effort on their behalf - but it was mostly selfish.

THEN, coming off them - it was like the way the colours are brighter when you are happy.  These people in your life were able to show me THEIR lives, their cares, their families, and we shared our concerns.  We would have deep experiences - and the simple comforting cuppa tea ones.  We learned things together.  We communed on so many levels.

They are making an effort to keep in touch by telephone.  But it's hard to communicate that I hate the telephone.  Give me a cuppa tea any day.  Doesn't matter where, or often with whome (I love all my friends).

I used to take / make 1 phone call per week.

I am getting 1-2 a day.  It's getting so that I'm telling people - maybe tomorrow?

This is also hampered by the bad knee.  Because I hate the telephone, I pace when I talk.  I hang out the laundry (have a headset - helps with hearing impairment, too).  I make my own cuppa tea (but it's not the same as a shared cuppa tea).  If I'm really struggling, I quietly play a stupid game on FB and listen.  

Made worse by:  I haven't been doing anything.  So have very VERY little small talk to make.  I can talk about the thoughts I have when I look at the sky.  When I face the rising sun and think about new beginnings, when I face the setting sun and think about change.  The two of these together are blowing my mind right now. . . 

But that doesn't answer the first questions:  How are you?  How you going?  How's Hubby?

Same, same, same.

 

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

My main emotional response to our "current affairs" so far has been anger.

 

Har, yes!  I hear you! 

 

I watch - minimal news.  Maybe one headline a day.  If an article or video really grabs me, I'll check it out.  Most of my information now is from first reading this epidemiological analysis:  https://medium.com/@tomaspueyo/coronavirus-act-today-or-people-will-die-f4d3d9cd99ca

 

Once I understood that, and understood the curves and timescales we are looking at, I just watch the stats.  So far I've found Turkey, Greece, Italy, China (amazing flat curve now), Australia, US, & UK most interesting.  Yes, I have fear.

I got an insight tonight from watching The Hobbit.  It's a paraphrase from Thorin Oakenshield (I think?) or one of his mates.

Fear.  We all have fear.  Courage is when you move through it anyway.

 

Then there's the Frank Herbert Dune quote. . . 

Quote

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

 

And I remain.  Yes, I fear.  But it's just another feeling.  And fear has a way of making things bigger than they are.  I'm not saying this isn't big - it's huge.  Probably the defining moment of my life.  Of all that I've experienced, this is the one which will make or break me.  But it will do what it does.  All I can do is my best.

 

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

I think that grief is surely a part of it too- and isn't anger one of those stages of grief? along with denial?

 

Brilliant insight!  YES I grieve.  We had it GOOD.  And now we're gonna get it good.  And in a year's time, what will our lives look like?  (I will keep my thoughts to myself on that one)

And we're good people!  Like - even at my worst, what did I do to deserve extinction?  Or to be thrown back to the survival level of being human.  and yes:  YOU ARSEHOLES!!!!! that thought that gold (shades of "The Hobbit" again, Dragon Fever) is worth destroying people?

There is an excellent book about grieving - preparing us for this:  Francis Weller, "The Wild Edge of Sorrow."  She's very poetic, too, which makes her a good read.

 

37 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

I have been trying hard to get over "envy" but I continue to struggle with it. now I really envy those who are able to work from home and it irritates me to hear people complain about it. 

 

Hey Jackie, thanks for reading - I know that I have it better than most in the USA (where my family and past friends are).  I have it better than many in Oz.  People care about me.  I care about them.  What more can we do?  (I'm gonna have to figure out how to call mobile phones without paying a fortune - they are charged by the minute here to the caller - and all my friends only have mobiles....)

EDIT ADDITION:  Those who are complaining - do you remember what it was like when you first came to SA?  Or anyone does?  And there's been a medication problem, and attempts to withdraw have thrown you into a state of extreme panic?  They're still in denial, too.  Remember how you learned the time scale - OH this will take awhile...and as you started watching it unfold, you were more able to adjust?  People are going to have huge varying degrees of acceptance (what H2H was talking about above), denial, anger, bargaining.  In China, they just welded your doors shut for quarantine.  Will we need it to be that drastic?  Anyhow, reality will dawn on different people at different times.  Read the epistemologicaly article above.  It will help you understand the time frames.  I've tried communicating it to others - just like I've tried to communicate the dangers of psych drugs and the hazards of withdrawal from them!  They will hear what they are ready to hear.

And thank you both for the stimulating conversation.  Hmmm.  Connection?  Just a little bit.  With strangers - that we know.

I hope you see the Sun today!

Edited April 2, 2020 by JanCarol

[JanCarol]

On 4/2/2020 at 10:47 PM, Happy2Heal said:

I think that grief is surely a part of it too- and isn't anger one of those stages of grief? along with denial? (I was in denial at first, and probably still am to a certain degree, if only to avoid the intense anger and grief)

 

OH YEAH.

 

I think I spent all of 2020 in a form of grieving.  Grieving for my dead cat.  Grieving for my birthmother's death, that I could not participate in (though my sister did some really beautiful things to make me feel included).  Grieving for the fact that it is extremely unlikely that I will ever return to the USA again.  (2 weeks self-paid quarantine upon return to Australia if I do).  So - never see some of my dearest friends & family again.  Not be there for my 92 yo mother, as she dements into death.  Never be able to show my husband the Rocky Mountains or Yellowstone, or revisit the Grand Canyon.  Never see the Giant trees of California again.  Never see my Tai Chi Grandmaster again.  Or even my Master.

So yeah, lots and lots and lots of grieving.

[JanCarol]

So I come here today in a wave.  It's been about 2-3 months of wave, with varying intensity, but pretty relentless.

I'm usually good with words and communication.  But this feels beyond words.

 

I can sum it up with a nightmare I had - I dreamed that I was exploring a room, and turned a corner and there was a standing black shadow of a tall man, and I bumped into him, except that he enveloped me and I disappeared into the shadow, screaming (yes, woke up with a scream).

 

I have my Practices, and I am diligent, though - there are so many d*** practices now, it's difficult to meditate every day, or to sun walk every day - I've got a lot of material I need to stay on top of in order to teach.  It's like I am an automaton, going through my daily practices like throwing darts at a target 3 miles away.

None of my Practices currently seem to lift my vibration, to help me rise above the funk so that I can define it.  To do them all in one session, with no distractions (phone ringing, talking to hubby, playing with cats - more in a mo) takes between 2-3 hours, depending on how much physio I want to do for my knee replacement and aging/crumbling hips & lower back.  But it feels like a ball and chain.

I'm too frightened to totally let go and do no practice at all - and yet, find that I dread disciplining myself to do them, even though I need them.

I think I resent needing them, sometimes.

But the mood - the feeling of being in a relentless, flat, rut.  Anhedonia - I don't really care about anything, though I do well when in front of a class (I wonder if @DMV64 feels this way sometimes?), and cherish these times.   I keep trying to tell myself, that it's perspective.  I have an excellent home, supportive husband, friends & community.  That "depression" is an attitude.  That doesn't seem to help.  Like focusing only on the in breath, and not appreciating the depth of the out breath.

I've tried to focus on the shadow, to see if I can learn from it.  Nothing.  

I've tried to look at my situation, to see if there is something I can adjust that will lift this doldrum (wave?  awfully long for a wave), and I am struck with gratitude - I live in a healthy, wholesome place, a supportive, attentive (if emotionally unavailable) husband, a life that I have chosen teaching tai chi, meditation, qigong and shamanic drumming.  I even have a new djembe, but difficulty adopting enthusiasm for practice - it's yet another thing on the list of "things to do," and feels like a burden.

I've even contemplated contacting my psychiatrist and submitting to her suggestions (egads, drugs?  really?  Jan!  Get a grip!).  Or calling my psychologist.  I feel I am a different person to the one who was in therapy with her.  I will go to my orthomolecular doctor, to accept her suggestions, she's usually very good, but I've never approached her about mood.  I do take a small dose (50 mg) of 5HtP, maybe I will increase it, but this feels like more than just "chemical" bs.

So what is keeping me going?  My classes.  Forcing myself to do that.  3 cigarettes a day, one which is a formal prayer, but the other 2 are less structured.  I think of all of them as "Prayers," even though I rarely feel it - even in the formal prayers.  

And my new kittens.  That is why I came here, to share the new bundles of joy I have in my life.

Here they are when they were little babies:

 

And here they are now - endless sources of delight, amusement, and I realise that I have to stay alive and well for at least another 20 years to care for them:

 

I could send another dozen of these photos - but I'll just put in one more, to show Maya (on the left) and her magnificent zigzag markings:

 

and Rama, the loving, attentive boy who follows me around all day wanting to know what's happening:

 

If it weren't for these beautiful animals in my life, I would be lost.

So - there is appreciation for the good things I have, but I really really want to break this wave!

I hope you see the Sun today,

 

JC

Edited May 4, 2021 by JanCarol

[Cocopuffz17]

Hey, Stay strong and you will get through this. It will get better. It is such a cruel beast going through all this withdrawal stuff. 

 

Your cats are very pretty and you will do a great job taking care of them  Have a great weekend  

[Happy2Heal]

On 5/4/2021 at 4:07 AM, JanCarol said:

I'm too frightened to totally let go and do no practice at all - and yet, find that I dread disciplining myself to do them, even though I need them.

I think I resent needing them, sometimes.

I'm sorry you're in a funk and I hope it lifts and finds you on a higher plane JanCarol.

I think I can relate to this somewhat, I have things I know I need to do now that I am in the real world with real emotions, I have to learn to regulate them better, and I do resent needing to do that work sometimes. 

I have had moments of feeling low and stuck in that low, and contemplating the pills that brought me into an artificial high...When I'm feeling low, it seems like that fake high, or anything really, would be worth the risk. But then it passes.

It must be discouraging that your mood is lasting longer than anyone would want. 

I am so glad you have the cats, they are adorable! I have a girl who follows me everywhere, and did from the day I got her. I turned to her and asked "are you just going to follow me wherever I go? You're like my little shadow.." and that's when I knew I had to name her Shadow, even though it's a pretty common name for a black cat and I'd hoped to find something a bit more original LOL It surely fits her.

 

I sometimes wonder if we get periods of anhedonia as a way to for our tired brains to give us permission to just rest and do nothing (withdrawal and recovery must to be so taxing to it, don't you think?) I don't know. I will try to keep to a simple routine just for the structure of it but during those times, I kind of just "veg" out.

 

I hope that you come out into the sun soon, dear lady!

 

[Altostrata]

Such beautiful cats! Thanks for the gift, @JanCarol, and letting us know how you're doing.

 

Could the way you feel now be due to a hangover from the surgery?

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[JanCarol]

19 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I sometimes wonder if we get periods of anhedonia as a way to for our tired brains to give us permission to just rest and do nothing (withdrawal and recovery must to be so taxing to it, don't you think?) I don't know. I will try to keep to a simple routine just for the structure of it but during those times, I kind of just "veg" out.

H2H so good to see you here!!!

I'm sure there is some sort of function to anhedonia.  

My hangup is - my practices are mostly physical, if I give them up, then I contract onto myself in pain.  I spend as much time "vegging out" - probably more than is practical, as the dishes & laundry pile up, the supplement trays need filling, and beds need making.  Then I get overwhelmed by the backlog, which is worse.

Over the years, I've found it's better to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  If the steps are tiny, so be it.  But it's kind of like being a shark - I fear that if I stop moving, I will die.

You're right about the sun, though!

 

 

On 5/8/2021 at 1:50 PM, Cocopuffz17 said:

Hey, Stay strong and you will get through this. It will get better. It is such a cruel beast going through all this withdrawal stuff. 

 

Thanks Coco, I hope your journey is going well, too.  But this is not withdrawal, I've been off the drugs for 5 years, so I am learning to deal with my new baseline.

 

10 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Could the way you feel now be due to a hangover from the surgery?

 

LOL surgery was horrible, but that was 11 months ago now.  There has been a bit of issue with getting my body back after the surgery.  I've been walking crookedly for 20 years now.  But it seems that I have more issues with hips and back, and they are more apparent now that the knee works.  I often walk very slowly, to keep from hobbling like the Hunchback of Notre Dame - which is worse for me, than moving v-e-r-y slowly!

 

Thank the Gods for tai chi!!!  It keeps my cardio up, and keeps my mobility workable (I just have to do it.  Every day.)

Lovely to hear from you all, and yes, those kittehs are my therapists right now!!!  Several giggles, and sometimes even a belly laugh every day.

[Altostrata]

I sympathize -- It's really hard to fit in everything you need to do -- studying, practice, being with your loved ones. Still, you need to keep your body going to have a presence! I wish I could find a good tai chi group at a time I can manage, that seems ideal gentle physical exercise with meditation.

[Rosetta]

((Jan Carol)) What could be causing this?  I do think it could be the anesthesia, and that you will get over it.  It must be frustrating.  
 

Thank you for sharing your kitties.  I miss having a cat in my life.

 

I’ll be thinking of you.
 

Rosetta💜

[JanCarol]

Hey Rosetta, thanks for visiting!  

5 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 I do think it could be the anesthesia

 

It may be more related to the 3 months on oxycodone to survive the surgery?  This was last July, the anaesthetic and after effects should be cleared by now.

 

Though - 

I'm not so interested in causality as I am - how to get through it this time?  What do I need to be doing differently?  What can I do differently to help improve my outlook?

I've busted up my practices into smaller, more bite-sized fragments.  Now it doesn't feel so burdensome, but I also feel quite ill prepared in front of a class...

That said, I'm going to go do my lower back physio now. . . .

[Rosetta]

Oh, yes, the oxycodone.  Were you allowed to taper that?  Guess not?

[Phoenixmama]

@JanCarol you fur babies just brought me joy on my walk , they are precious 🤗

[JanCarol]

13 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Oh, yes, the oxycodone.  Were you allowed to taper that?  Guess not?

 

Hi Rosetta!  I hope this finds you feeling well and managing.  You always did have good coping skills, even when you've been greatly challenged.

I was allowed to take my taper off the oxy pretty slowly.  I was thankful that the doctors understood.  The surgery was extremely painful - probably the most painful thing I've done, so I was thankful for the oxy (and targin and codeine), and thankful that I was allowed to have it - not as long as I wanted - but as long as I needed.  By the end I was shaving it into tiny slivers, and oxy is a much faster taper than psych drugs.  You can get off it in 2-3 weeks pretty easily.  2-3 days is the "hard part," and I don't remember a hard part - they were there every day for 2 months, and then - not so much for the 3rd month.  And then, gone.

BUT - it did wreak havoc with mood.  For one thing, it feels so dang good, which makes it very appealing.  For a time, I probably was dependant upon it, but was able to come off okay.

But what happened during that time, was I was able to "feel good" anytime I wanted.  Or "feel better."  And that option is simply not there now.  I wouldn't call what I have now "cravings," because I don't want to be doped out of my mind all the time.  But the release valve was nice.

Plus - opiates = depressants.  So the more I use them, the more likely I'm courting depression.  That's why I think that the time on oxy was much, much harder on me than the anaesthetic.  I was never benzo addicted, so do not react to anaesthetic.  But yeah, don't recommend the oxy path to anyone.  It felt like a very very very slippery slope to have it in my life, but I don't think I could've done the surgery without it.

If anyone ever tells you that knee replacement is a piece of cake - don't believe them!

I hope you see the sun today!

[JanCarol]

Hi all!

 

Just touching base to let y'all know that the doldrums, the black dog, the "whatever it was" has passed, and I'm back to one foot in front of the other.

 

I have modified my daily practices so that they are more fun, less demanding.  Instead of doing every practice every day, I do tai chi & qigong daily, and add in another practice, which may be physio, walking, meditation, or even yoga.

I still don't even get that in every day, and try not to beat myself up.  Right now, classes have not been on for about 4 weeks for me - but they start up next week, so we'll see how I do with the pressure of a schedule.

The other thing that came up, was my thyroid was high, and we have reduced that dose to a level that the doc is happier with, and that seems to have lifted my mood.

 

This is a caution to those who want to take thyroid - even natural thyroid (which is what I take, it has to be compounded in Australia, but you can buy it OTC in the USA) - to lift their mood:  if it is TOO HIGH it can mess your mood up, too.

 

So - when you get in the depths of a wave, remember:  this, too, will pass.

 

I hope you see the Sun today!

 

 

[Shep]

@JanCarolAwesome update, JC. Glad things are improving and I'm sure more improvements will come. 

[JanCarol]

On 5/10/2021 at 4:23 AM, Altostrata said:

I wish I could find a good tai chi group at a time I can manage

I'm certified with Dr. Paul Lam, who has schools all over the world.

When I went to my old traditional school back in Indiana (back when travel was still a thing), one of the teachers there also teaches Paul Lam's "Tai Chi for Health," which surprised and delighted me.

There may be a class near you:  https://taichiforhealthinstitute.org/instructors/

 

It is not what I would call "traditional" tai chi, but it is excellent to learn.  The forms are short segments, and you can learn real technique with them.  I think of it as Medical Tai Chi, since Dr. Lam focuses a lot on the studies, and RCT's to show efficacy in various conditions, such as blood pressure, arthritis, balance, etc.  Traditional schools might mock what he's doing, but I've been doing it for 4? years now, and while I continue to practice traditional forms, also, I find the Paul Lam forms to be restful, relaxing, easy to settle into - and easy to remember!  When a thing is joyful, not tedious, it is more likely to get good results.

I did a quick search, and I don't know exact suburb, but it looked like 3 instructors in your area.  The nice thing about Paul Lam is consistency - while you always learn differently from different instructors, the method of teaching is fairly consistent.  It's like MacDonald's coffee.  You always know what you are getting.  What is nice, is I'm pretty confident that I could turn my class over to anyone who has done Paul Lam forms, and the experience would be consistent.

[Ariel]

@JanCarol

I simply adore you. 

 

Thank you, thank you for your writing and vibrating presence. 

 

I am making my way through your posts across SA and every word feels like hedonic rehabilitation. 

 

Your healing is my healing. 

 

Love and gratitude,

A.

[JanCarol]

20 hours ago, Ariel said:

Your healing is my healing. 

😊 Thank you!

[JanCarol]

So - I need to post this around on non-drug tools for helping symptoms (and do we have a tai chi thread anywhere?)

This is primitive, it was done my very first month of teaching, we were about to lose our venue, so my loyal friend video'd it.  I just got the SD card, and I'm glad that my movements are mindful (if not always accurate).

Sharing here, I hope someone finds it useful!
 

 

AND I hope you see the sun today!

[Ariel]

@JanCarol

Thank you so much for sharing this! 

Moved me to tears the first time I watched it. So beautiful <3

I'm impressed with the clarity of instruction and grace of movement.

Amazing that this was your first time teaching! 

Well done, and thanks again. 

A.

[RachelSusan]

@JanCarol

 

This is really beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I saved it so I can try this later.

[RachelSusan]

@JanCarol

I forgot to mention that I really like the music and also the wild life I hear under the music.  It sounds like a bird, not sure, but it is really relaxing.

[Phoenixmama]

@JanCarol well done , i love it

[JanCarol]

Hey all!!!

 

On 6/14/2022 at 5:02 AM, RachelSusan said:

@JanCarol

I forgot to mention that I really like the music and also the wild life I hear under the music.  It sounds like a bird, not sure, but it is really relaxing.

 

The music is Dr. Paul Lam's music, composed by his accomplished daughter (tai chi, piano, composition - has played the Sydney Opera House!).  I love it too - been listening to it pretty frequently for 5 years now, and still find delight in it.  That's not easy to accomplish, as I'm a prog-rock girl, and like my music to be interesting.

The wildlife is real.  We are out in a Heritage Park, near an Aboriginal "women's business" site, surrounded by nature.  They took all the historic cottages from the region and moved them out there to make a village, complete with churches & train station (the cottages have boutique shops & cafes, and this vid was filmed under one of them).  We see kites & eagles, wild turkeys, magpies (they sing beautifully), butcher-birds (also great singers).  I believe there was a Lapwing Plover's nest nearby that week, and she gets really nervous when people are around her nest, and may have been calling out to keep us away.

It is about 5 min from my home, and is now the site of one of my outdoor classes.  I love that place!

 

So I am here today because - OMG - I never thought I'd enjoy FOX news but Tucker Carlson - nailed it with the SSRI's!  We've been saying this for years, there are so many stories on ssristories.org.  But here it is, on people's TV, and as I understand it, there are a lot of people listening to Tucker Carlson these days.

Let's see if the vid-link works:

 

Yeah!  Or you can read the transcript here:
https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2022/07/06/tucker_carlson_are_you_surprised_young_american_men_are_going_nuts.html#

 

FINALLY!  Someone is talking about this!  I wonder if the tide is finally turning?  With COVID causing so much psych damage - I fully expect the "medical industry" to drive people to take these drugs, and so many lives to be damaged by them.

But nobody - I mean nobody - in the media seems to connect the gun shootings with the drugs (except for Scientologists, and articles on Mad In America - and our little cabal here).

In other news, my tai chi is - becoming well attended.  I'm managing to practice just enough to offer new things.  I'm off to see what the other 2 videos my friend sent me a month ago are like, and maybe get them to YouTube...

I did see the sun today, I hope you did, too!

[RachelSusan]

@JanCarol Thank you for the information regarding the music. I just love it.  The birds are divine.