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DMV64

DMV64: Reinstate Saphris?

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DMV64

Well, I tried to go to the Buddhist Center this morning. Bad idea. Morning is my most anxious time and sitting still for two hours in a room full of people turned me into a puddle. Talked with the Lama (teacher) afterwards. But it was really really hard friends. I think it is best right now if I keep busy during the morning time.

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Rosetta

Oh, sorry about that DMV.   Hope you have a nice afternoon. - R

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DMV64

Had a great window yesterday. Woke up this morning with usual anxiety. It's hard to face the first half of the day. Trying to remember it gets better. Also I think I am experiencing some anticipatory anxiety about my daughter's upcoming move out. Big changes.

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wantrelief

How wonderful you had a great window yesterday, DMV!  I too find it really hard to face the first half of the day....it tends to get a little better from there.  It would make sense you are having anticipatory anxiety about your daughter moving out.....big changes are challenging when feeling well and can be even more so for those of us going through withdrawal.  I am thinking about you as you go through this time - WR.

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Rosetta

So glad you had a window!  Anticipatory anxiety is a major issue for me.  Very hard to ignore it.  Self-talk often helps.  There will be more windows to come!  -R

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DMV64

Thank you!! Yay for more windows!!

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Carmie
11 hours ago, DMV64 said:

Had a great window yesterday. Woke up this morning with usual anxiety. It's hard to face the first half of the day. Trying to remember it gets better. Also I think I am experiencing some anticipatory anxiety about my daughter's upcoming move out. Big changes.

 

This is great news DMV, 

 

Yes, definitely YAY for more windows. When we’re in windows it helps us to see that we will eventually heal. When the waves hit it’s nice to remember we have had windows. Again, YAY for windows. 

 

Thanks for your message too, Sending hugs🤗

 

3 hours ago, DMV64 said:

Thank you!! Yay for more windows!!

 

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Rabe

Change is so hard when going through so much change on the inside as well!!!  I agree, the anticipatory anxiety is a challenge! Take care!!!

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DMV64

Yes it really is hard. Thanks for your support. 

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DMV64

Today I’m feeling angry. I’m tired of my life being controlled by all these pills. I’m tired of having to measure having to take things at a certain time I just want to be free. It feels so far away.

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DMV64

 Plus I’m used to living in the city and where I’m living right now is really suburbia. I don’t like it I know it’s not the right time to move. But it is really isolating out here. Sorry I’m just complaining but it’s that kind of day.

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Rosetta

(((DMV))). Feeling sad myself today.  I wish I could invite you over for a gallon of ice cream and a silly rom-com!!

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DMV64

Me too!!! I need a fun buddy. 

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Rabe

THAT sounds wonderful!!!  I too have been sad and depressed and anxious DMV64...feeling stuck and unsure of next steps...wanting to be somewhere else...wondering if I will ever see ME again...hating the thought of tapering these for years Id hoped to be spending more involved in life, grandchildren and family...and its just the opposite.  But SO grateful for you and Rosetta and so many more here!  I would be lost without all of you!

You're not complaining...just honestly sharing.  Some days it is just seems much harder than others to rise above it all...that's ok!💜

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DMV64

Thank you. I needed that permission!

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Carmie
On 7/14/2018 at 5:40 AM, DMV64 said:

Today I’m feeling angry. I’m tired of my life being controlled by all these pills. I’m tired of having to measure having to take things at a certain time I just want to be free. It feels so far away.

 

It’s only normal to feel like this DMV, 

 

These meds seemed to have taken over our lives. Sometimes we need to grieve, but then just keep moving ahead. It’s extremely hard but we will get there eventually. Only wish we knew when eventually was😊.

 

Hang in there💚

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DMV64

Thanks. You know it makes it hard to do anything like take a few days to go down to the beach on vacation. Or going to Brooklyn to see my son. Everything requires bringing all of my tapering paraphernalia.

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DMV64

Well today the computer andthe empty house are increasing anxiety so I won't take much time here. Just to say that it is hard to find the balance between resting and not pushing myself, which often means being alone in the house, and going out and trying to find a way to be around people. What is your experience?

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JanCarol
Posted (edited)

Hey D!

I'm back, checking in - how you going?

Reading the news that has happened since my travels....

On 6/23/2018 at 9:13 AM, DMV64 said:

Today we drove a u-haul to Brooklyn to gather furniture from my old apartment ( that son now lives in and is rent stabilized but he is giving it up). It was a hard day. That apartment is where I raised them, Brooklyn is where I got sober. I have so many friends there. And now my connection is cut as he leaves this apartment. Which for so many reasons I think is a big mistake. But I can’t change his mind. And daughter is moving out of the home I live in now at the beginning of August. It feels like so many changes. Too many. I feel rocked today. Driving all the way there. Being in the apartment for the last time. Gathering stuff for daughters move. Just trying to feel grounded again. 

 

Okay, that you were able to do this at all tells me that you are not as bad off as you might think.

 

Some of us, when in the throes of the drugs and withdrawal from them, cannot leave the house.  I know you will say, "I had to do this," but often, when floored by these drugs, that's still not enough to get it done, and the backlog accumulates (and accumulates) and makes the sense of helplessness and hopelessness even harder to face.

That you are able to even express the emotions that you felt while doing that - is a good indicator for your emotional recovery, as well.

While I know this was hard to do, looking at it from 14,000 miles away over the internet - it seems to me like you are doing quite well.

 

All of us hate change, and Moms probably suffer the most when the birds fly the nest.  But again - at least you have established your new life already, and you have your yoga, your 12-step, and your doula work to fill the void left by your birdlings departure.  Those of us who are on the floor (downed by drugs & withdrawal)  when this happens, wake up a few years later, crying, "Where did they go?  What happened?" and it is emotionally harder to bear.

 

On 6/28/2018 at 8:02 PM, DMV64 said:

Being a Doula can be quite a lot.

 

My question for you is this - what does Doula -ing do to your sleep cycle?  When you are a Doula, don't you have to stay up through the night?  Is there a tag-team so that you can assist in shifts?  Or is it one Doula, one birth, and you are there for the whole thing?  What does this do to your sleep / wake / work / eat / dose schedule?

 

On 6/29/2018 at 5:24 AM, DMV64 said:

Even though it did work out to be pretty good timing, and it’s still very difficult and long and hard to manage the tapering and titrate dosing along with eating at the right time when you’re attending to someone in labor. I always come out of a births feeling  A little bit wrong out and it takes me a few days to recover.

 

Yeah, that's what I'm asking about.  This is incredibly demanding for someone who is in withdrawal and tapering.

 

On 6/30/2018 at 8:11 AM, manymoretodays said:

Because of that book I can see that my anxiety follow this pattern and peeking around 11 o’clock in the morning.

 

Okay, I hear you.  But this may be a symptom that you just have to bear, ride, surf, survive and live through until we can get your through your Saphris taper.

 

Again - you're travelling interstate, moving furniture, helping with births and teaching yoga - so - it's not what I would call "crippling" anxiety.  Just use your tools and live through it.  Anxiety won't kill you!  It's usually just a physical firing of cortisol / adrenaline where your body gets sparked & unnerved, and it may not even have anything to do with your emotions.  Try to see if you can separate the physical symptoms (electricity in the nerves, hot/cold, rapid heart, shallow breathing) from the emotional ones.  Approach this daily anxiety with curiosity to see if it can teach you something.

 

It likely is chemical, as you are on so many - but there may still be a lesson in it for you, even if that is:  how to survive distress without doing anything.

 

On 7/6/2018 at 10:24 AM, manymoretodays said:

JC will be real proud of you! ❤️

 

I am!

 

On 7/6/2018 at 10:24 AM, manymoretodays said:

p.s.  would your magnesium help in the morning do you think?  You are tolerating it in the evening okay..........so maybe a small dose to help with the "cortisol" spikes?  Just an afterthought.......

 

 

OH, MMT has a good idea here!  Have I talked about "sipping magnesium?"  This is where you take a capsule (mag citrate, right?) and dissolve it in water - then put in fridge.  When you start to feel that build, like here:
 

On 6/30/2018 at 11:39 AM, DMV64 said:

10Am Anxiety starting to build. Cry.

 

Go to the fridge and sip your magnesium water.  Don't gulp, just sip.  The act of sipping (I learned this in 12-Step) switches your "need" response by giving you something that you really need (water, magnesium), and you are less inclined to act on impulses.  I'm not saying it as well as the man who described it to me, but it's about shifting from "distress" or "want" to "fulfilling needs."  The simple act of sipping can make this shift in your brain and nervous system.

 

Use your Mindfulness, too, as you feel the cool water pass your lips, across your tongue and feel the motion of swallowing and feeling the cool water down your esophagus, soothing your nervous system as it passes.

 

On 7/6/2018 at 10:50 AM, DMV64 said:

On a separate note, my eye sight (I have lasik damage) is getting much worse. Going to see the eye doc soon. I can barely read.

 

This bears watching.  Seroquel in particular is bad for the eyes - which makes me wonder if your other neuroleptics are also hard on your eyesight.  Everyone I know who has had neuroleptic damage to their eyes, the ophthalmologist doesn't affiliate the eye difficulties with the neuroleptics.  I know that Seroquel contributes to cateracts and other eye disorders - other drugs are less known.  But I do know this - a neuroleptic would affect your ability to shift and focus your eyes.   Prior to drugs, I had excellent ability to shift and focus my eyes.  After - not so much, so I have 2 pairs of glasses for driving and reading, whereas before, I could shift the focus of my eyes for these tasks.

 

I was able to find patient reports of vision problems with both Saphris and Geodon, so there is a chance that once you have reduced your drug load, your vision will not be as challenged.

By all means, get your eyes checked, but bear in mind that opthalmologists  don't generally question drug load, which can often be the cause of vision problems.  Optometrists, even less so.  I pinned my ophtalmologist to a wall, and got him to admit that the dehydration caused by a kidney problem induced by lithium use could have caused my retinal tears - but that was under duress.  He normally wouldn't have said a thing about my drug load....

 

I'll be back soon to finish catching up!


I hope you see the sun today (I'm glad you got to the beach!)

 

 

Edited by JanCarol
spacing

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Carmie
On 7/17/2018 at 1:36 AM, DMV64 said:

Well today the computer andthe empty house are increasing anxiety so I won't take much time here. Just to say that it is hard to find the balance between resting and not pushing myself, which often means being alone in the house, and going out and trying to find a way to be around people. What is your experience?

 

Hi DMV, 

I love being on my own at home, I’ve got so many creative things to do, but I also spend lots of time with friends. You can reach a balance. 

 

If you find you’re too anxious to stay at home but you don’t want to be around people either why don’t you just hop on a bus on your own to somewhere and explore the area. I loooove exploring places on my own, and I take millions of photos. Transport is pretty good where I live. 

 

Sending hugs🤗

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JanCarol

Hey D - 

 

On 7/7/2018 at 9:31 PM, DMV64 said:

the laughter of students

 

yer doin' it right, if you've got people laughing in the yoga studio.

 

On 7/9/2018 at 4:23 AM, DMV64 said:

Well, I tried to go to the Buddhist Center this morning. Bad idea. Morning is my most anxious time and sitting still for two hours in a room full of people turned me into a puddle. Talked with the Lama (teacher) afterwards. But it was really really hard friends.

 

Geewillakers that was brave!  Most of the people I know with anxiety have trouble sitting still, in silence for 5 minutes, much less 2 hours.  

 

I don't think I could do that, and I love "Inner Space."  My back would make this extremely uncomfortable, indeed.

 

Again - when you think you are struggling with stuff - remind yourself about the things you do, have done, plan to do.  It's not exactly mindfulness (present moment awareness) - but it's great for your gratitude list!

 

You were ABLE to do this, you didn't run from the hall screeching in fright!  It was hard, but you did it!  Oh my!

 

On 7/12/2018 at 6:28 AM, DMV64 said:

Yay for more windows!!

 

So this is 11 days after your Saphris taper.  It sounds like that was hardly a blip on your radar, you had some symptoms - but it seems like your symptoms are more about what you are doing or not doing in your day-to-day life, than your taper.

 

On 7/14/2018 at 5:40 AM, DMV64 said:

Today I’m feeling angry. I’m tired of my life being controlled by all these pills. I’m tired of having to measure having to take things at a certain time I just want to be free. It feels so far away.

 

Fair enough.  We all get this, or have gotten this.  It's one of the reason I wanted to leave your doses at whole or half-tablet doses so that you only were spending time measuring your current taper.  It will get easier, once we get the Saphris out.  Eyes to the horizon, one foot in front of the other!

 

On 7/14/2018 at 5:42 AM, DMV64 said:

Plus I’m used to living in the city and where I’m living right now is really suburbia. I don’t like it I know it’s not the right time to move. But it is really isolating out here.

 

My turn to complain.  Just had new neighbors move in.  Our favourite neighbors moved out, and were replaced by a thumpy music-listening, big dog-barking neighbor.  We own, and are deeply entrenched with our stuff and the organization of it - are we willing to forfeit part of our retirement fund to locate to a more amenable setting?  We are now surrounded by traffic - trains and cars - neighbors who ignore their barking dogs (when I cannot), and now, thumpy music.  How much can a gal take?

So you prefer urban over suburban?  I like to have space between myself and my neighbors, but I don't want to be so far out in the country (here they call it "the bush" ) that I cannot easily get to shops, yoga classes, etc.  Or maybe I just need nicer neighbors (but you can never control that).

 

On 7/15/2018 at 9:54 PM, DMV64 said:

Everything requires bringing all of my tapering paraphernalia.

 

LOL and in my case - my "what if" kit.  What if I get IBS?  What if I have pain?  What are my alternatives (hot / cold patches are easier to travel with than heat and ice packs), do I have a blindfold and MP3 player for sleeping, and a way to charge the MP3?  What if hubby gets sick (I'm responsible for his "kit" too)Travelling post-withdrawal can be as challenging as travelling during withdrawal.  While I don't have to carry my taper kits (I'm tapering a supplement right now), I do have to make sure that everything is weighed up and put in trays - for up to 4 weeks (some of our longer trips) before I go - along with extras - like Vitamin C, cranberry,  or probiotics in case I get sick while travelling....

People keep asking, "will I get myself back?" and the answer is not that you will be the same as your 20 year old self - but that you will be a new self.  And there are, sometimes, challenges with the new self, too.  I'd rather have what I have now, than be on the drugs and have no passion for life, no interests, nothing I care about (severe anhedonia).  I'll take the  challenges & discomforts anytime.  However, as I age, it gets harder, and I can forsee a time when my travels will be decreased.  I have Aussie friends in their 80's and 90's who still travel - but they haven't been through the withdrawal / chronic gauntlet.

 

On 7/17/2018 at 1:36 AM, DMV64 said:

Just to say that it is hard to find the balance between resting and not pushing myself, which often means being alone in the house, and going out and trying to find a way to be around people. What is your experience?

 

That balance is always a struggle for me.  Yesterday I did too much - just thought I would stop off at another shop to get some fabric to use as a backdrop for my class on Saturday - but it turned out to take another hour, and by the time I got home, I was exhausted.  I'm fine today, though.

Here's the rule I use - if I can recover within 24 hours, then it wasn't too much.  If, however, recovery takes 3 days, then it was too much.  Your rule may differ.

 

It's harder - when travelling, I cannot set my own schedule, all I can do is keep a "chill" attitude and take my time and do what I need before each new event.  I managed to keep a pretty punishing schedule on this recent trip just by "not pushing."  Sometimes I was late, sometimes things got pushed back, but I did manage to see everyone, do everything as scheduled.

 

I spent my whole time in withdrawal mostly at home, only doing the very basics as needed.  Then, when I started to feel more "healed" and more interested in life, I did a "Year of Saying Yes" where I said I would try everything (or nearly everything) that came across my path.  This expanded my horizons exponentially, I added tai chi to the mix, improved my martial arts, social circles, and gained new interests.  After that year, however, I very nearly needed a "year of saying no" to get my balance back!  I've pruned a few things back, and am in a more balanced place.

 

Like Carmie, I have tons of things I can do when I am at home, and enjoy my time alone - but - I also get restless with that sometimes.  I'm afraid that's the times that I waste playing stupid Facebook games while I try and settle down enough to actually do something productive!

 

Just another comment about your eyes - I realise you have Lasik damage - I am so, so sorry to hear that.  But you may also have vision problems from the drugs, too.

 

Overall, I'm glad to see you are doing so well!

 

I hope you see the sun today!

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DMV64

Hi JC!

 I’m so glad you are back. I am doing OK I guess. It still feels like a bit of a roller coaster, like I said especially in the mornings. I’m going to try the magnesium. I just got on here quick and read through your posts, so I will write more later. XOXO

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DMV64
7 hours ago, Carmie said:

friends

I am becoming aware of that I feel that I don’t have that many friends here. And that even though it has been five years since I left Brooklyn I am home sick. I’m trying to make efforts to make more friends but it’s hard in with drawl. 

Plus the whole city versus suburban living is a bit of a challenge. But I know that inside I am lonely. I don’t feel like I have a lot of interests or friends.

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DMV64

I have the same problem with my IBS. I have to pack a kit just to take care of myself for that

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DMV64

I love laughing at the yoga studio. Regarding Doula work, once I go to a bar I go whatever time of night it is and I’m there until it’s over. So it’s pretty grueling. I have been taking less clients

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DMV64

@JanCarol @Carmie @Roseta @wantrelief I have been working a little bit with a Shaman here. Alot of stuff coming up. Old business, preverbal attachment stuff with my mother who made it impossible to really attach to her. Abandonment and fear. Feeling like I never really "had" myself, because essentially I had very little mirroring or validation and a lot of belittling. Realizing I don't really know WHAT I want. Who am I? Finding it hard to hook into my interests, do I have any? Also finding it hard to be in this place after so much therapeutic work of various sorts. But I suppose grateful if it is leading me to myself. 

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DMV64

Also today is daughter's road test!

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DMV64
7 hours ago, JanCarol said:

How much can a gal take?

Ugh sorry to hear this JC!

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DMV64

Trying to feel brave planning a little day trip to Brooklyn and also a three day trip to the beach with my husband in August.

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DMV64

I feel like all these “brakes” drugs are mKing me depressed. Anything  I can do

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Rosetta
On July 19, 2018 at 3:42 AM, DMV64 said:

I am becoming aware of that I feel that I don’t have that many friends here. And that even though it has been five years since I left Brooklyn I am home sick. I’m trying to make efforts to make more friends but it’s hard in with drawl. 

Plus the whole city versus suburban living is a bit of a challenge. But I know that inside I am lonely. I don’t feel like I have a lot of interests or friends.

 

I feel this, too.

 

Can I tease you?  You said when you go to a bar you are pretty much there until it's over.  Ha ha.  I know you meant birth, but that was funny.  Having experienced being there until it's over in both ways, it's amusing that autocorrect took your typo and turned it into "bar" which is often what leads to birth, ha ha.

 

Well, I know it's not the same, but we are your friends and you will make friends when you figure out what you are interested in doing.  That's the way to make friends -- try to meet people who like to do what you like to do -- super challenging in WD!

 

Hang in there! -R

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DMV64
16 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

tease

Haha! That’s funny. Yes you are my friends. Thanks for saying this. 

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DMV64

Feeling like I am taking a dip. Hard to relate to anyone. Spent yesterday crying. I know this is not linear. But it is hard. Trying to do a few things today. 

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TheWayBack

Hi DMV

 

Stopping by to say hello. How are you doing the past weeks? Do you feel better than a couple months ago?

 

I hope you can catch a glimpse of light here and there.

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DMV64

Thanks for stopping by. You know I find it really hard to tell because everything is up-and-down a lot. But I think overall I am feeling better. I do try to log my days and symptoms but the brain fog makes it difficult.

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Rosetta

Hi.  I keep crying, too.  It's feeling more like normal crying instead of intense, overly-emotional crying.  Maybe it's a good sign.  I hope so.

 

Hugs!! - R

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