DMV64: reinstate Saphris?

[DMV64]

Journaling I guess. Working with the grief in withdrawal. Having pockets of ok and then hit the wall. I know the only way out is through. If you have any experiences with grief I would love to hear them ❤️

[DMV64]

Glad to report I had a bit of a window today. Thankful. So thankful.

[Rosetta]

Grief.  A lot of that in withdrawal.  Neuro-grief!  

 

None of us had any idea that the doctors could make such grave mistakes.  I though we were past that after thalidomide, but what this is, actually, is a bit more like the Tuskegee experiment.  The people making the decisions know just what harm they are causing and they don't care.  That causes me a lot of grief for others.  

 

For me, I'm grateful I know what's happening to me, and I can make my own decisions instead of trusting the medical "professionals."  I'm grateful for this site and all the hard work by the moderators and administrator to keep it going.  I try to use gratitude to combat grief when I can.  

 

I'm grateful for you, DMV!  Very grateful for you.  I'm grateful you have a daughter even though you feel sad that she's moving out.  I'm hoping this will be the beginning of a new and wonderful chapter in your relationship with her.  It will be different, but there will be good things about it.  

[DMV64]

Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. I’m really glad you’re out there.

[Rabe]

SO happy and grateful to hear about your window DMV!!!  How lovely!! 💜

[Carmie]

On 8/6/2018 at 10:43 AM, DMV64 said:

Glad to report I had a bit of a window today. Thankful. So thankful.

 

Hi DMV, 

 

Such wonderful news. I’m so happy for you. Hope you get many more windows💚

[Rabe]

SO happy to hear!!!💜

[JanCarol]

Hey D - sorry it's taken me so long to get back....

 

On 7/25/2018 at 6:06 AM, DMV64 said:

How can one tell the difference between a side effect and a WD symptom?

You have been on a heavy drug load for a long time.  You have other drugs in your system which confound things.  Nobody is ever supposed to be on 2 neuroleptics at once, and yet you are.

 

So - the difference?  Many withdrawal symptoms are similar to "side effects" - as the drugs effects work on many systems in the body.  A heaviness of body could be too much drug, can be a side effect, or it can be a withdrawal symptom.

 

There are some things which point to a toxic reaction - which we have been asking you questions about since you came here to SA - and have not found evidence that you are anything other than heavily drugged, with some conflicts.  Because of those conflicts we have asked a lot of questions, and agree that it's important to come off the Saphris ASAP.

 

But we want to make sure that the "Possible" part of that ASAP - is real.

 

which comes to:

On 7/25/2018 at 8:36 PM, DMV64 said:

Do I do anything different? I am asking because I really feel that I have an adverse reaction to Saphris.  I don’t know if it changes my taper at all   But it really feels like my body just does not like this drug. A lot of my symptoms just persist. 

 

If you are not having a toxic reaction, I would stay the course, just like you are doing.

 

Because of the neurotransmitter pictures I showed you, I'm reluctant to suggest you come off any faster.  As you get lower in dose, this should improve - just keep in mind that many of your reactions may be an interaction between Saphris and one of the many other drugs you are on.  So - as you come down, other things may come to the fore.

 

This is not a simple thing.  If you are on only 6 drugs (and you may be on more - I seem to recall that there are drugs there which are not in your signature) - the number of combinations of possible interactions comes to something like 720.  (for the maths nerds, 6! please correct me if I'm wrong)  Which of those 720 possible interactions are bothering you?  Maybe it's only 20 of them?  Maybe it's a huge portion of them - "only"  180 of the interactions which are bothering you.

So - to say that "it's the Saphris" or "it's the cogentin" - is really difficult to do at this point.

 

The short answer is, unless it's going toxic (fever, rash, tardive dyskinesia, blurred vision - this is only a partial list of toxic responses) - your taper remains the same.

On 7/26/2018 at 8:05 PM, DMV64 said:

It turns out the compounding pharmacy might not be able to do my dosages

 

It's late at night, and I'm hoping to hear that they can.  But I won't be surprised if they can't.  Saphris is a formulation which is designed to not be tampered with.

 

 

On 7/27/2018 at 1:56 PM, JanCarol said:

So it is hard work, as an adult, to expand your circles and make intimate friends.

 

I just read an article on 36 questions to fall in love with someone" - there are some good tips in there.  Some of them are especially challenging - but even if you picked up the technique of ask the question, look deeply into the eyes of the person, and listen intently - that's a good start!

https://bigthink.com/ideafeed/how-to-fall-in-love-36-questions-and-deep-eye-contact

 

On 7/29/2018 at 8:07 PM, DMV64 said:

I miss my old friends and my old Meetings

 

Here's the thing - though.  My old friends, my old gatherings - have moved on, too.

 

We have less in common than we did.

 

I was listening to Carolyn Myss talk about - was it Thomas Merton? - and he said this:  

 

I will never experience this day again.

 

And she spoke of the amazing truth of that.  You can never go back to your family, you can never go back to your friends, your lovers - it's all different each time we go back.  We could get all maudlin and nostalgic for Days Gone By - but the truth is, you can never go back to your old neighborhood (you are not the same, and the neighborhood isn't either - even if it seems like it).

 

The best power to invest in with this knowledge is to appreciate the days you have now.  

 

Of course you love your old friends and your old meetings.  I loved my old church, and my old library, and my Farmer's Market - and so many things and people that I don't have now.  The best way to honour those - is to build new friends, new meetings, find a new church, and - well.  Use a Kindle because Australia doesn't have the books I want.  Each day is unique.  Each moment in time, in relationship is new and has potential to be as amazing as anything else you could do.

 

This gave me an insight into my marriage.  What if I look at my husband each day - in realisation that - our day together - is this day, and it will never be like this day again?  Would that be a freshness that could revitalise our relationship?  I think it would...

 

 

[DMV64]

Thank you. I will respond more later I’m kind of having a hard day with my grief over my daughter moving out

[JanCarol]

Hey D - 

 

the more you feel your grief NOW, when it is pressing and present, the healthier you will be in the long run.

 

I think that many of us get sick because "we don't have time" for our emotions.

 

The word emotion - literally means "to MOVE feeling."  When we hold them down inside, that's what makes us sick.  "I'll deal with it later" often happens.

 

But when they are fresh and raw and present - that's the time to feel them, move them, shake with them - attitude dance with them:
 

 

Our culture denigrates "feelings," as weakness - but really - to feel and experience the feelings, to move with them and through them - that is Power.

 

And I've come to a place where I feel (yes, feel!) that this movement is blissful, even when it's sadness or rage - as long as your expression of them finds wholesome outlets that don't lash out at your relationships.

 

Grieve, dear friend, grieve.  This day will never come again.

 

💜

 

And please, see the Sun today!

[DMV64]

Yes I know this is true. Especially since when my brother died when I was younger, I was not allowed to feel my grief. So even though it’s hard I am grateful.

[DMV64]

Also I went to a party last night! And I had fun!

[DMV64]

@Rosetta @Carmie @Rabe @Waterfall

Just thinking of you all and wondering how everyone is doing. 

I think I am ok but the grief is real hard.

Sometimes I feel I have Borderline personality traits with the intense abandonment I feel.

 

Grateful for last night and getting out of the house.

[DMV64]

14 hours ago, JanCarol said:

Grieve, dear friend, grieve

Thank you so much JC. I really need permission and not just for a day or two. We lived together for 20 years. It will take time. I don't know how to do grief. I am doing the best I can.

[Rosetta]

Thinking of you, DMV.  I know this is very difficult.  Hugs, R

[DMV64]

Thank you. I miss her so much. You know with the depresión and my abandonment issues....well, you are right. It’s hard. I feel empty. I am trusting it will get easier. 

[Rosetta]

I have abandonment issues, too.  I never thought I'd be this old and not have "grown up," but it's not about being grown up at all.  It's about having normal emotions magnified by WD.

 

Hugs, R

[DMV64]

Yes! MAGNIFIED. The abandonment sucks. Hugs to you.

[DMV64]

@JanCarol what do you think about three week drop schedule to move the saphris a bit faster

[Rabe]

I have those issues as well...thinking about you lots DMV!! Sending thoughts and hugs!💜

[DMV64]

Checking in here. Been up and down. Feel a little beat up by withdrawal right now. Tired of the morning cortisol spikes. WHY WHY WHY? Every morning.

Generally feeling a lot of fear and sadness but went out to a baseball game yesterday anyway!

 

[Carmie]

8 minutes ago, DMV64 said:

Checking in here. Been up and down. Feel a little beat up by withdrawal right now. Tired of the morning cortisol spikes. WHY WHY WHY? Every morning.

Generally feeling a lot of fear and sadness but went out to a baseball game yesterday anyway!

 

 

Hi DMV, 

 

This definitely is a harrowing journey. Morning cortisol can certainly cause fear. When I’m like that in the morning I get up straight away. Lying in bed just makes me more panicky. I then turn on a DVD n crochet or do something else. 

 

Hope you had a nice time at the basketball game. It’s good to get some distraction even when we’re feeling miserable and not ourselves. It’s good to get out of our head. 

 

Sending you hugs🤗

[Rosetta]

Ugh!   They make waking up so much worse!!!  I wake up to the same reality everyday -- that this nightmare isn't over --but add in a cortisol spike, and it's just heartbreaking!  I'm thinking of you! -R

[DMV64]

 Thank you my friends. I do really wake up with them every day and I think it’s true the best thing to do is just get out of bed and get moving rather than sit there in the panic. It’s good to know you’re out there!

[Carmie]

8 minutes ago, DMV64 said:

 Thank you my friends. I do really wake up with them every day and I think it’s true the best thing to do is just get out of bed and get moving rather than sit there in the panic. It’s good to know you’re out there!

 

Yes, so many of us here going through this horrific experience called withdrawals DMV,

 

Hope you can find something to do that doesn’t take too much brain power in the morning when you wake up with cortisol spikes. Distract! Distract! Distract!

 

At one stage years ago I woke up every morning with severe shaking n I dreaded going to bed because I knew what the morning would bring. 

 

We will win in the end, even if that end is a million miles away😀

[DMV64]

That  is exactly how I feel: afraid of the morning because I know what’s coming. I just hope that one day they disappear. 

[Carmie]

12 minutes ago, DMV64 said:

That  is exactly how I feel: afraid of the morning because I know what’s coming. I just hope that one day they disappear. 

 

Im sure there are many, many of us who feel like this DMV, 

 

Hang in there💚

[DMV64]

Thank you! I’m hanging in there. Always good to know I’m not alone

[Rabe]

Hi DMV64...I dont know what a cortisol spike is exactly but I do know that I more often now wake up so unsettled and anxious and fearful...wasnt like the before the Viibryd tapers it seems.  I am sorry you are dealing with this...and for so long.  It has helped me to try to keep in the darkness...have to get something to help with that.  Carmie is right...it does help to distract but I find that difficult as my mind seems so powerful...and when in the fear I just want to hide!  

Wanted you to know I am sending my thoughts and hugs!!  💜

[DMV64]

Thank you. It is just waking up in a panic. Fearful. Sometimes hot and cold flashes. It is an awful way to wake up. 

I am sorry to hear you wake up with fear. I have blackout curtains and that helps. 

I know what you mean about distraction being hard when the mind is just dragging us around. Hugs to you.  

[Rabe]

Thank you DMV...what would we do without each other..all of us here???

[DMV64]

Ok. I am at the beach on a short vacation. But the change in routine has my anxiety through the roof. It can be so hard to do anything different in WD!

[DMV64]

On 8/20/2018 at 2:25 AM, Rabe said:

what would we do without each other

I don't know. This is the only place I know I am not alone. Not a freak. Not being talked out of my very real symptoms and being minimized. Thank goodness for this place.

[Rosetta]

HI DMV, 

I know that feeling -- that a change in routine is a big problem.  It seems to pass after a couple days.  I hope the evenings are more relaxing and you can enjoy them at least. -R

[Rabe]

@DMV64I don't know. This is the only place I know I am not alone. Not a freak. Not being talked out of my very real symptoms and being minimized. Thank goodness for this place.

[Rabe]

sorry...whoops.

Wanted to say I have said the same thing...I don't feel the different and odd here...I see my doctor tomorrow and am not looking forward to feeling that 

way again...

You are such a lovely, kind, string person DMV...I label that wonderful!! Take care!