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DMV64

DMV64: reinstate Saphris?

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DMV64

Thanks, yes, here’s hoping!!

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DMV64

 I have not had a Doula client since October. I feel like the universe is just telling me that I don’t have the strength right now but it makes me sad. 

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JanCarol

I was just listening to a talk about how important it is to sometimes "do nothing."

And that in doing nothing, we become a truer version of ourselves.  Truly relaxed.

 

It's hard - especially in our society - to just sit, relax, and do nothing.  But often, even when we meditate, or do yoga, or whatever - we're still goal oriented, still striving, still trying to "do something."

Withdrawal is an excellent teacher.  Your love of Doula work will return, when you are ready.  

Now is a time to relax and heal!

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DMV64

Yes thank you for this. I guess I just feel like it’s gone away and I don’t know if it’s coming back. And some days with with drawl it’s just feels like I’m going around in circles and I’m not making any progress. I try to keep a nice chart but I’m not really that organized I must admit. At least it’s something. It’s hard to let go of functioning at a higher level. I miss doing birth work.

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neroli

Hello DMV64

 

So happy that it sounds like Zelda could be able to come home!  Hope the surgical procedure helps.

 

3 hours ago, DMV64 said:

I guess I just feel like it’s gone away and I don’t know if it’s coming back. And some days with with drawl it’s just feels like I’m going around in circles and I’m not making any progress. I try to keep a nice chart but I’m not really that organized I must admit. At least it’s something. It’s hard to let go of functioning at a higher level. I miss doing birth work.

 

I totally understand this.  Even in the previous years when I was in protracted WD (before the breakdown and the subsequent re-drugging), I was able to function at a higher level, even managing to go to the gym, do full-time work.

 

It is very hard to let go and to accept how things are for now.  We just have to believe that we are making progress.

 

warm wishes

 

xxx Neroli💜

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DMV64
55 minutes ago, neroli said:

let go

 I feel like I work on this every single day. I’m just trying to do one day at a time. But sometimes you know it just adds up and it becomes overwhelming. Thank you for your kind words. 

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neroli
15 minutes ago, DMV64 said:

I feel like I work on this every single day. I’m just trying to do one day at a time. But sometimes you know it just adds up and it becomes overwhelming.

I'm right there with you on this.

 

xx

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wantrelief
2 hours ago, DMV64 said:

I feel like I work on this every single day. I’m just trying to do one day at a time. But sometimes you know it just adds up and it becomes overwhelming.

I basically just wrote the same thing on my thread!  I am right there with you too, DMV.

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Rabe
4 hours ago, DMV64 said:

I feel like I work on this every single day. I’m just trying to do one day at a time. But sometimes you know it just adds up and it becomes overwhelming.

Thinking about you so much DMV.  You will get back to those things you love I believe...how wonderful that you did the birthing!! Thinking about you!💜

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neroli

Hello DMV64

 

Saying hello and hoping you're doing ok - hopefully getting some of the allergy stuff sorted out and feeling a bit better.

 

One day at a time, one moment at a time.  It is a mighty ask at times but you are doing it.

 

Love and thoughts

 

 

xxx Neroli 💜

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DMV64

 Thanks so much for checking in on me. I woke up to this message this morning. It was good for me because I have a lot of morning panic. And I’m having it this morning. And reading your message was comforting.  

I am OK. I will be having sinus surgery on April 19. My dog Is coming back here on Monday however. I hope it all goes well. It really is a moment at a time. My husband reminds me that I have good moments when I’m feeling down like this is never going to end.

One moment at a time! XOXO

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Rosetta

Thinking of you, DMV.  I hope your surgery goes well, and having Zelda back is nice.  You are lucky to have a good husband to remind you that it's not all bad.  Hopefully the anxiety will ease later in the day.  

All my best, R

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DMV64

Hi Rosetta!

yes having her back is good. Hoping my allergies hold. Thanks for stopping by. My son visiting is helping too ❤️

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DMV64

My husband had a performance tonight but it’s late for me. Not sure I can do it. Will see

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DMV64

I couldn't do the performance, but it was ok that I did not go.

I am taking a class. Brain fog is making it hard to keep up. Last night I felt like running out and quitting. I held back the tears.

Sigh.

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Rosetta

Thinking of you.  Sigh -- I agree.  Holding on as best I can today.  Hope you are, too. - R

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Rabe

Oh, DMV...Im sorry.  I think that is ok...to feel that way.  You didnt run out and quit which is so courageous!  Just taking the course is amazing!  Take care!!💜

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DMV64

Hey everyone!

I am having a window! Woo! I just wanted to share some good news, thank god. 

 We do heal.

xo

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Carmie

Glad to hear you’re getting windows DMV, Yay!💚

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DMV64

@manymoretodays @JanCarol @Carmie @wantrelief @Rosetta @RabeWell yesterday my sponsor dropped me. I don’t totally understand. We were working step 3 together and she said, in part, that me taking Zelda back was something she could not support and so could not continue.  He said it was me taking my will back.  But Zelda was never supposed to be gone permanently she was only fostered out for a short time and then we were going to see where everything went from there. 

I am kind of devasted. I thought everything was ok. I know I haven’t been a stellar sponsee mostly due to the depression. I have certainly  work a more rigorous program at different times in my life. 

 But I’m doing the best I can. And I really felt like she did not have all the information on the dog situation and the many doctors I’ve seen and all my other allergies, and finding mold in the basement. I feel like she just read my blog about Zelda coming back and made a snap decision. 

She also said I look totally different in the last year and a half. I said wow that’s hard to hear. She said well you just look exhausted. 

I am sad today. And sponsorless. Several people in my aa circle have said this is about her not me, and been supportive, so that helped. I guess I am looking for support. 

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Rabe

Whoa...I am so sorry DMV!!

I am going to say that it IS about her and whatever issues she may have.  You did what you needed to do for yourself though it was a very difficult thing to do with Zelda.  I have had a sponsor for years and years and never would she have done anything like that...nor my sons.  Asked questions maybe, shared thoughts, given some suggestions....IDK....but NOT say goodbye because of a  health decision you made and because you look tired?????  Sounds as if she has her own narrative going in her head without anything to back it up...and that would suggest to me that it has to do with her own issues because otherwise that narrative and innuendo would not play out.  But I am sorry that it has affected you....that would feel very bad.  On the other hand, I think it would be very hard to work with her further and move forward because perhaps you would not feel you could be as forthright and just be where you are and who you are day to day.  

To make assumptions reading your blog also sounds a bit odd to me.  Would make more sense to come to your directly.  

You sound way healthier than she ... just have to say!!  Hope you will not take this on yourself!!!💜

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DMV64

 Thanks so much for all of your kind words. Yes I don’t understand it. She’s mad actually because I took my dog back in. But I was never planning on her being fostered out permanently, at least not at this time. She was only supposed to be with her foster mom for a month while I got better. And then we were going to take her back and see how it goes. But in the meantime we discovered mold in the basement that I’m allergic to and the fact that I need to have sinus surgery, so it’s so much bigger than just my dog. Anyway yes I think it really is  more about her than about me and it’s probably a good thing that the relationship ended because I don’t think I could work with her anymore anyway. She wants to stay friends but I don’t know. 

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Rabe

Yes....all of that DMV...and she NEVer cared enough to ask you why and what is up?  A sponsor ought to know you better than to think you would give your dog away for no good reason...it broke your heart!  

And why is she mad about your dog?  Mad is a pretty strong word.  That is not what a sponsor is for...that is not an AA issue.  As I said she had some story line going in her won mind and never cared enough about you to check it out.  

I would not be able to work with her after she did that either...trust issue.  

The friend thing is certainly up to you...I will say that true friends dont do that.  You HAVE to take care of you or you are no good to others...including your dog.  And of course you look tired!  You have been sick!!!  Good grief!😡

I think she needs a good sponsor and some meetings!💜

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DMV64

So many people have said a similar thing to me. I don’t know she just didn’t like I guess that I didn’t take her suggestion. It felt to me like she thought she was my higher power. And she was calling me will full and I don’t think I was being willful. Anyway I think you’re right about the friend thing.

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Rabe

she has huge issues.  I dont know why I am coming up as a greed circle but oh well....

I would keep a distance.  She is projecting it seems to me.  

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DMV64

Yes. Too painful today. Especially hearing how I look bad and exhausted since my titrate. What can I do? Nothing. This is where I am. 

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Rosetta

DMV,

Thats really odd, in my opinion.  You are willful?  I hope so!! It takes a lot of will to live through this misery.  Does she think she's your mother?  If you want to take back your dog then you should.  Maybe you will find that it makes you feel worse (I hope not), but I can't understand why your friend would suddenly decide that she can't be your sponsor over that.  Is she someone who does not understand psych drug withdrawal maybe?  Perhaps she never had pets?  It seems she's making some assumptions that are not very obvious to me.  I'm so sorry because this must be very painful to you. 

Alll my love, Rosetta

 

 

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DMV64

Thanks Rosetta. Yes it really hurt me. I am feeling a little better now. I really don't know what she thinks. I think she is a little off on the whole situation, so I guess it is for the best. She not acting like any sponsor I have had!

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powerback
21 hours ago, DMV64 said:

@manymoretodays @JanCarol @Carmie @wantrelief @Rosetta @RabeWell yesterday my sponsor dropped me. I don’t totally understand. We were working step 3 together and she said, in part, that me taking Zelda back was something she could not support and so could not continue.  He said it was me taking my will back.  But Zelda was never supposed to be gone permanently she was only fostered out for a short time and then we were going to see where everything went from there. 

I am kind of devasted. I thought everything was ok. I know I haven’t been a stellar sponsee mostly due to the depression. I have certainly  work a more rigorous program at different times in my life. 

 But I’m doing the best I can. And I really felt like she did not have all the information on the dog situation and the many doctors I’ve seen and all my other allergies, and finding mold in the basement. I feel like she just read my blog about Zelda coming back and made a snap decision. 

She also said I look totally different in the last year and a half. I said wow that’s hard to hear. She said well you just look exhausted. 

I am sad today. And sponsorless. Several people in my aa circle have said this is about her not me, and been supportive, so that helped. I guess I am looking for support. 

Hi DMV ,I hope you don't mind me giving my 2 cents.this "sponsor" has "issues" of there own and im furious you as a fellow withdrawal victim have to deal with this ,drop them like a stone in my opinion.im a few years sober myself but I never did the program.

Its great you have loads of support and freinds on SA .

In regards to your mold issue ,I dont want to scare you but mold is extremely dangerous ,your poor nervous system is getting bombarded by this toxin .being allergic to your dog is a small thing compared to this mold ,is it bad ?,have you got it checked and removed .

People can be sick for a long time and not know its the mold in there house.

Even go to your local authority and see if they will give a grant to remove it .it needs removed pronto.

If we had a burst water pipe in our house ,it is an emergency ,having a mold issue is the same as this .but we cant see it .its very covert .

Take great care  .

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DMV64

Hey there. Thank you for your kind words. I’m realizing more and more that losing that sponsor was a very good thing. My husband is working on the mold in conjunction with you people who know how to remove it. So it’s in process. That’s not a lot it’s pretty contained to one area so that’s good.

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DMV64

 I also found out I’m allergic to dust mite, tree pollen, grass pollen, ragweed, cats and dogs and mold. 

I know my sinus surgery which is coming up on April 19 should help with the breathing but I’m really nervous about it. I know afterwords the recovery will be hard because I won’t be able to do any of my usual things that keep me kind of stable like running or yoga.  

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JanCarol

Hey D - I am so sorry that you've been abandoned like that.

 

I don't know much about 12 Step, but this sounds judgy.  Judgy is a waste of time and energy - and in this case, it's hurtful, and I'm sorry.

 

I do know this about 12-Step, they are completely ignorant of psych drugs and what they do to you, and completely ignorant about withdrawal, and the high cost of getting off the drugs. 

 

All the 12-Step I know encourages you to "take your drugs as prescribed," and if you want off them, well, what's wrong with the drugs? 

We have had a number of members let down by 12-step, but there are expectations too.  Members have expected that 12-Step would understand the process of withdrawing from a substance, and reclaiming your life - and in many ways, they do.  But they are a Cold Turkey/abstinence-based organization, you're never supposed to taper your alcohol (for example) just go through the withdrawals and suffer the damage if there is any.  Then make amends as you rebuild your life.

They don't quite understand the tapers, or why anyone would do that.

 

That's why I think your sponsor said you look tired - a complete misunderstanding of what withdrawal is, and what these drugs do to your body and system.  You are overdrugged, and you are in withdrawal.  Both of these take a toll.  Listen to your partner, who says you are getting better.

 

I've not heard of a sponsor dropping someone like this - I'll be asking around my 12-Step friends to find out what possible cause there could be for dropping you like that.  My bro-in-law has been 12 Step for nearly 40 years now; he is moving away from 12-Step for managing his addiction, finding other models which are more supportive, less judgy, less clique-ish.  

 

So - I'm sorry for what you are going through.  From your sig, it looks like you are still tapering - how is that going?  (Though - I don't see 2019 anywhere so I'm wondering if that's accurate?  Maybe add 2019 before January to make it clear that you are still currently tapering?)

If you are having symptoms, hard times, surgery, crying jags, it might be a good time to hold.  But if the taper seems like "no big deal" then good!  That's the way it's meant to feel on a slow taper.  You sneak it out before your body and brain notice it's gone.

 

Take care of yourself, maybe plan some extra me-time, rest time, pamper time, breathing time to help you get through this until you find a new sponsor.

 

 

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DMV64

I am dictating so I hope this comes out OK. Thanks for all the support. Most people I’ve spoken to on the ground so to speak agree with you and don’t understand my sponsors actions, including many people in program. It just keeps ringing in my head but she said I look totally different. Because of course I do I’m in withdrawal.

But who wants to hear that really? Anyway the good news is I found a new temporary sponsor already and she’s very supportive.

I am still tape rain, it is mostly going well although I have a lot of morning anxiety still and I don’t know if that’s ever going to go away but I hope someday it will. We talked about possibly jumping off when I get to .005 on the Saphris. Wondering what you think about that. Or I could try to go the whole way down. I am eager to move onto the Geoden!

I’m sure the surgery will not be easy. Plus we are discussing moving which I know is kind of a big deal in with drawl. But I’m really isolated out here in the suburbs and every time I’m in the city proper I feel so much happier. So we’re just looking into it for now. Taking a few small steps.

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manymoretodays
Posted (edited)
On 4/4/2019 at 7:44 AM, DMV64 said:

We talked about possibly jumping off when I get to .005 on the Saphris. Wondering what you think about that. Or I could try to go the whole way down.

 

Hi DMV,

 

Here's some further calculations we had done on your Saphris wafer.

 

.006 on your scale in grams, translates to 6 mgpw(this is weight only).

Then multiply 6 mgpw by the AIC(active ingredient concentration).

The AIC(active ingredient concentration for your 2.5 mgai per 25 mgpw) worked out to be .1 mgai per 1mgpw

And DMV, don't worry about "getting all this" right now.  It's taken me awhile.....

 

6 mgpw multiplied by the AIC of 0.1 then equals 0.6mgai.

 

That's the dose that you are presently taking.

The dose you are essentially taking now is not .006........that is the weight in grams that you read off your scale, correct?  Or .006 gmpw(for grams of pill weight, it probably reads out saying just g on your scale, if it is a Gemini20)

 

Your dose is presently 0.6 mgai(for 0.6 milligrams of active ingredient).  Or 0.6 mg of dose strength.

The weight of the wafer is not the same as the dose.  That's the main point we are trying to emphasize with you and other members.  As well as reporting your dose in mgai.  As you may have noticed.......I went ahead and put the doses in your signature.

 

I just don't want you to think that you are on less than you are right now and get cocky.  B)

 

Good to hear you are working your steps with a sponsor.  That has sure been helpful for me.  Step 3 is an awesome one too.  I'm not going to get into the rest of it, you've gotten plenty of support around how your feelings were hurt, and now you are worried about your appearance subsequently on top of that........oh boy.......don't I know?  Just keep going back.   And then report how the 12 steps have benefited you in WD or something on the 12 step thread.

 

We're here for WD support and further understanding.  You know that.  You might find a few in your program who would like to learn more about WD and such.  That's about as good as it's gotten for me with that.  Oh, and the ones who like to talk all about their MI's and how great it's been to have labels and new drugs!  You'll get used to it.  I've had to.

 

Kay.......I'm out for a bit.  Going on my own World Cruise......out loud laugh, just kidding...........going to the depths anyway.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

 

 

 

 

Edited by manymoretodays
minor

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DMV64

Thank you for all the support and all of the information and clarity. It’s good to feel a part of a community where people understand. It’s been hard that some people in my 12-step circle really don’t get it. I’ve learned that I can’t really share openly about it which kind of stinks. Anyway I guess I’m not quite ready yet to jump off of the Saphris but hopefully soon

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DMV64

Some days I get so tired of waking up in panic and terror was either cortisol spikes or medication drop I don’t know which. But I have to deal with it every day. And then the depression during the day. Some days I just don’t feel like I’m going to make it

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