Crank: My sad story

[Crank]

Hi,

 

Just wanted to say hi to everyone and say my story cause I really need to share my awful experience with someone. Nobody in my close environment seems to understand the pain and suffering these "medications" cause. I used to be a social happy person that had everything in life - I am a 41 year old millionaire, have a wife and an adorable son and daughter. Yet this pretty picture on the outside means nothing - I feel that life is useless, dull and pointless. After just 3 years on "medication" I may honestly say that I feel suicadal, can hardly get out of bed and do anything than read and read SSRI strories. I am afraid to go to malls because I get the urge to jump from somewhere.

 

I have been put on these horrible shits by my negligible psychiatrist who said these meds are non-addictive and people just talk scary things about them. Here is my history of medication:

first year:

- 10mg escitalorpam

- 1mg fluanxol

- 15 mirtazapine

 

second year

- 150 mg trazodone

- 1mg fluanxol

 

third year

said enough is enough - cold turkied  trazodone and fluanxol. Little did I know the dangers of that. Went into 2 months of severe depression was put on 10mg escitalorpam and I am tappering this **** for well over an year.

 

Did not make many comments about my drug dosages, because I could not think clearly for almost one year, yet alone run my business,. However I somehow managed to get to 1mg of escitalorpam and stayed on it for three months it is horrible. With great suffering, tears and pain I got myself down to my current dosage of 0.62 on which I am for the first weak and I feel like I start to loose it. I mean I am really going insane and even do not know how I manage to type this and why. I fear to get to any other place except my home and my office and the walk from the house to the car and from the car to the office is like a great horrible challenge - I have the feeling that I will pass out, jump from somewhere or have a heart attack. I am also on 5mg nebivobol for HBP. Used to  be healty 92kg for my 180cm and now I am 110kg of fat because for 3 years I mostly slept. I used to windsuft and get inside the sea sometimes miles away from the shore, now I cannot walk myself to the car - that's the rabbit that these "meds" have turnmed me into. Yet I am determined to get this **** out of my system no matter what. I am not scared of death - I am scared my killing myself and leaving my children without a father - I love them so much.

 

I am weaning by the 10% method generally every 3 weeks or so. I am also taking these supplements I have read that help, but I am not sure whether they do:

 

400mg - 600mg - 5htp

500mg DLPA

lots of fish oil

B vitamins

magnesium

l-theanine

folic acid

 

quit smoking, coffee and alchohol.

 

Please help - what I need most than everything is some reassurance that this nightmare will end. Has anyone been able to get off small doseses of escitalopram. When do the headaches, jaw and synus pain end....

 

Edited September 25, 2017 by Altostrata
added screen name to title

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Crank.

 

As we say, when you're in a hole, stop tapering! Let your nervous system settle down, it's been through a lot. Let's see what happens if there are no drug changes for a while.

 

What times of day do you take each of your drugs and supplements? When and why did you add 5-HTP?

[ChessieCat]

Hi Crank and welcome from me too,

 

We ask all members to create a drug signature which allows us to see your drug history at a glance.  Please make it a summary as per these instructions.  Thank you.

 

 A request: Would you summarize your history in a signature - ALL drugs, doses, dates, and discontinuations & reinstatements, in the last 12-24 months particularly?

• Please leave out symptoms and diagnoses.
• A list is easier to understand than one or multiple paragraphs. 

• Any drugs prior to 24 months ago can just be listed with start and stop years.
• Please use actual dates or approximate dates (mid-June, Late October) rather than relative time frames (last week, 3 months ago)
• Spell out months, e.g. "October" or "Oct."; 9/1/2016 can be interpreted as Jan. 9, 2016 or Sept. 1, 2016.
• Link to Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

This is your own Introduction topic where you can ask questions and journal your progress.

[Madeleine]

Hi crank:  glad you found us and joined the forum. Yes,  take a break from tapering for a while and stanbilize. Do not be afraid. Fear ramps up your central nervous system. Have faith.  Stay calm and be positive. You will feel better. 

 

Wishing you well and thinking of you, 

m. 

[LexAnger]

Hi Crank, 

so sorry you were hurt so much by these dangerous drugs! 

I can feel your pain as I just finished my long taper of lexapro. I also know how desparate when you are going through this long horrendous journey. I kept seeking reassurance when in despar. 

 

Ppl do heal although it takes long time. You will heal too eventually that's no doubt. So just hang.

 

You can find many success stories on this forum.

http://survivingantidepressants.org/forum/28-success-stories-recovery-from-withdrawal/

 

lex

 

 

 

[Crank]

Thank you all for your support - I cannot say how much it means to me - I went to the office bathroom and cried !

To Altostrada:
I will listen to your advise as I believe your are probably the most educated person on the planet as far as SSRIs are concerned. So I will stop tapering for a while - I have been on 0.62 for 7 days and I'll stop tapering until I stabilize... I take 5-HTP according to Julia Ross advice - I do not want to raise the dose more than 400mg, because of fear of serotonin syndrome, plus I fear that excess serotonin can damage arteries and cause problems to the heart (I read it somewhere - do not know whether that is true). I take DLPA, because I read that these should be taken together with 5-HTP to boost dopamine, plus I read that DLPA actually increases the effectiveness of 5-HTP.

 

At the morning (around 8-9-10 am- whenever I awake) I take:
0.62 escitalopram
5mg nebilet

b complex

magnesium
fish oil

 

At around 2 pm I take:

200mg of 5htp that inside has niacin, taurine and B6.

 

At around 6 pm I take:

200mg of 5htp that inside has niacin, taurine and B6.

 

Before bed:

10mg of melatonin for severe insomnia.

To ChessieCat

How do I add a signature? Also I cannot remember exact dates or anything - my memory is bad. Two days ago I forgot how old is my daughter and she has a birthday this week. I try to religiously park the car at the same place each day, since otherwise I cannot find it.

 

To Madeleine

Thank you I will try to have faith. I have never been religious, but I am praying!

 

To LexAnger

I envy you in a good way! Wish you sun and happy days - I know what you have been through. How long did it take for you to tapper and get well afterwards?

 

Edited September 26, 2017 by ChessieCat
changed description of memory to bad

[LexAnger]

Hi Crank,

thank you for your kind wishes!

 

i started tapering 10mg lex in March 2013, and completed just 3 days ago. I was on 2.5 mg from 2009- 2013 then 10 mg only for 3 months. But I updosed a few times during my taper so my schedule is not liner. 

 

Im not well yet, only started the post taper stage for more hearings.

[baroquep]

Hi Crank, Alto will respond to the answers to her questions in more detail, but I would like to give you some information beforehand regarding the use of 5-HTP/DLPA and the other supplements you are taking.  Many people on this site, myself included, have found that they are sensitive to many vitamins and supplements and the only supplements that appear to help people in withdrawal are Omega 3 and magnesium.  I am concerned with your use of 5-HTP and DLPA at such high doses.  As well, when I looked for information on 5-HTP use, this is what I found.  Are you working closely with a doctor regarding the use of 5-HTP and DLPA?

5-HTP should not be taken concurrently with anti- depressants except under the supervision of a physician, because 5-HTP increases the activity of these drugs. Mixing SSRI medications and 5-HTP may result in a rare but extremely serious condition called serotonin syndrome.  People with serotonin syndrome exhibit a variety of symptoms including confusion, restlessness, hallucinations, fever, nausea, and vomiting. Coma and death follow swiftly after symptoms appear.

 

I'm attaching a link below to the information regarding supplementation gathered by Surviving Antidepressants as I am not familiar with the work of Julia Ross.  

5HTP & Tryptophan Information - Surviving Antidepressants

Sensitivity to neuroactive substances

Sensitivity to medications and supplements

 

I am also attaching a link to to add your withdrawal history signature:

• Link to Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

[Crank]

I started 5htp because of these guidelines for tapering SSRI:

https://www.moodcure.com/withdrawal_protocol.html

 

However later I discovered that I need DLPA to feel more motivated to do anything - I was otherwise only laying in bed. Later I read that 5HTP should be taken with DLPA because outwise you get depleted on dopamine and endorphins and 5HTP does not work so well. I also think that the dose is not so high - look at this video:
 

 

My current state may prove me wrong however - I will try to decrease the dose....

 

[Crank]

Just checking in to let all know that I am still alive. After 3 weeks on 0.62mg I start to slowly recover. I think I need to space out the reductions in dose to more than the original 3 weeks I used. I am thinking on staying on this dose for around 6 weeks to stabilize. Cannot believe this drug is so powerful and I sense sub 1mg reductions. I experience a lot of physical and mental symptoms:

 

jaw pain,

insomnia,

palatte pain

pain in the eyes

muscle craps
my legs shiver during the night

 

It is beyond me how these "medications" were approved by the FDA. Did they tested them on elephants? Also I cannot see how someone can recover from that in 3 weeks as leaflets say, it is a complete lie. I am 112kg and I sense sub milligram reductions! I have quit cold turkey several times and could not stand past the first 2 weeks - it is insane. 

 

Anyway this time I am getting it slowly as I can. At times I just want to throw that garbage somewhere but I know that then I will suffer gravely. This site helps me tremendously - I want to let you all know that I am reading it every day for at least 1-2 hours, and this gives me hope and strength to endure this. I wish you all luck and health in your journey to be free of this poison.

[ChessieCat]

39 minutes ago, Crank said:

Did they tested them on elephants?

 

That is so very funny.  LOL.  But in our situation it is really isn't but it did give me a good laugh though, so thanks.

[Madeleine]

Just wanted to say hi again. Thanks for checking in and giving us an update on your status. I am certain that  slowly but surely you will recover.  

Blessings, 

m

[Crank]

Hi,

 

I have somehow gotten to 0.52mg of the lexapro crap and have been on this dose for 15days. Previous dose was 0.56mg. Right now my physical symptoms are numbness and pain at the same time in the palatte and gums, jaw clenching and nausea. What is more worrisome are my psychological symptoms - I feel dreadful anxiety - to the point of being afraid to get out of the house, meet certain people etc. I generally feel poisoned all over - even inside my bones. Has anyone experienced so bad withdrawal and side effects at such a low dose? How long is it going to last - it seems that my body simply cannot tolerate this chemical anymore and so does my psyche - I am totally obsessed with getting off from this crap.

 

My psychologist thinks that I can just stop and tough it out. She thinks that it is just in my mind and I kind of pretend. I am having a hard time explaining to her that it is not just in my mind - I feel totally nuts.

 

I am not considering updosing to be an option. I want to be free of this poison no matter what. However I am concerned that it takes more time than I have ever imagined to get off this. I have been at sub milligram doses since May. Six months under 1mg and I feel like crab - this is unbelievable.

 

I think that I need to get to a much lower dose to be able to stop completely. What is the recommended drop off dose? I do not think that I can stay for another year in this mental prison of mine. I lost so much - my friends, my sex life, my body due to weight gain. I almost bankrupted the company I run, since I cannot do anything that requires solid thinking. I do not think this is an antidepressant but rather some devil invented **** - I do not recall being in such a dark place ever before. Hell I did not though such a dark place can even exist.

Help - what to do - should I wait should I stop should I continue tappering?

[nz11]

On ‎12‎/‎9‎/‎2017 at 3:44 AM, Crank said:

My psychologist thinks that I can just stop and tough it out. She thinks that it is just in my mind and I kind of pretend. I am having a hard time explaining to her that it is not just in my mind - I feel totally nuts.

 

One of the tragic and even dangerous things about our journeys  is that we are surrounded by a mindfield of such dangerous well meaning cluelessness. How anyone stands a chance to navigate their way through this BS is beyond me. Any weakness in our inner convictions is easily derailed unless we can see through this vaccum of knowledge from others.

 

I see this recent drop is a 7% one maybe that's too fast at this stage.

One person that could advice you really well is moderator Brassmonkey. I was stunningly  impressed with the way he navigated the below 1mg waters.

If he reads this I hope he comments. Else you could read his intro and also pm him.

 

Hold it a minute.....I haven't read your intro thread (with only 6 posts you must be new and maybe a mod can move this to the intro thread) but have just looked at your drug sig

You have gone from 10mg to 0.52mg  in what appears to be 14 months. That is fast,  following the rec taper method of 10% on this site to do that would take about 28 months. 

Imo wdl symptoms can be cumulative and delayed. In other words if you drop by too big a dose and don't give yourself time to adjust you can be hit further down the line with wdl symptoms which may be incorrectly attributed to the current drop when in fact they may have been triggered from one previously. Just a thought. 

You say 6 months under 1mg. That is the correct 10% taper time frame. So somewhere above 1mg you tapered too fast. Also below 1mg it could be argued 10% may for many be too fast. 

 

You have only reported in your drug sig your current dose but what can be helpful is recording all your monthly drops.

Withdrawal symptoms represent brain cells needing more time to adjust to lower levels of the drug.

I know you have said updosing is not an option. How did you feel on the 0.56mg. Perhaps you could rethink this.

 

It might worth having a read of BMs intro. and approach to below 1mg tapering.

 

stay strong. You are so close now.

nz11

 

[brassmonkey]

Trying to work through the tiny doses at the end of a taper can be a tricky process.  Because of the SERT loading even a very small change can have big effects.  The key is to reach the lower doses in a stable condition as any instability will be amplified.  Right now you are not in a stable position Crank, and I would not recommend any further tapering for a long time.  Four CTs and a fast taper in the past four years has left your CNS in total chaos and it needs a long time to sort itself out.  The only way we know of to possibly reduce the symptoms you're experiencing is to do a small updose.  Even that is an iffy proposition.  A small updose to 1 or 2mg should take the edge off of your symptoms, however it is going to take several months for the updose to stabilize and start to work.  If. as you indicated, you want the drug out of your system and you jump to "0", I don't think it will make much difference in the way you are going to feel for the next several years. Any CT from these drugs is a rough way to go, time four plus and it becomes a lot, lot  worse. I really would recommend trying a small updose to try and save yourself some pain.

[nz11]

Thanks BM.

That was fast.

[Altostrata]

Hello, Crank. I agree with brassmonkey. At the very least, stop tapering for a good long while until those withdrawal symptoms go away.

 

Let your nervous system settle down,  it's sending up danger signals that you reduced too fast.

[Crank]

On 10/12/2017 at 4:27 PM, Madeleine said:

Thank you all for your suggestions, help and support - I cannot say how much it means to me. Certainly the low milligrams are not a laughing matter and I can't believe that such small changes in dose can trigger such massive effects on the body and the mind. Holding is the key, but it is so hard to endure the initial week or two after a dose drop. It is seams like an endless torture, which eventually does end however. Crying, shouting and punching does help - it is a crazy thing. Lexapro is so powerfull - I feel the hit from just 0.52mg every morning. I also think that my depression may be caused by the 5mg nebivobol that I am also taking for high blood pressure. Anyway I will try to taper that later - maybe at the end of my life I will be drug free

 

[Crank]

Hi Again,

 

I ended my taper last week on the 5th of April. My last dose was 0.04mg and my previous dose was 0.08mg of Lexapro. It has now been a week, since I am not taking any SSRI and my mind seems to clear up. I just now start to realize how deeply these drugs have been damaging my body and my soul. I still have bad symptoms such as insomnia (which I am treating with melatonin), and sinus and palate pain as well as severe headaches now and then. On the positive side I think that my anxiety has even lessened a bit and my muscles seem to start to relax. On the SSRI I used to be much more tense all the time. Anyway I am very optimistic that the timing of the end of my taper was proper and I will have the whole spring and summer to recover from this awful drug I should have never taken. I am nowhere near recovered yet, but I am positive that given enough time and the absence of any meds I will make it. I still have 5mg of nebivobol left to tapper, but I am now taking at least a two months break to let my nervous system to settle down.
 

Pharma drugs are so powerful and addictive that one can easily succumb to the believe we need to take them for life, or even worse - add more drugs to battle the side effects of the existing ones! I have totally lost my trust in the modern medicine and doctors in general - several months ago I went to a surgeon for a consultation about the palate pain that I experience - he said he knew nothing about it, but heard that amitrpitiline was used to threat such conditions. I was shocked - they now give tricyclic antidepressants to relieve pain conditions caused by SSRIs. Big pharma is pushing these drugs for almost anything - I do not know how is that possible, but it is fact - it appears that Big pharma is the biggest drug dealer in the States. Anyway I want my life to go in a different direction - one without meds and substance dependencies, because I now deeply believe that our bodies have the potential to much better regulate any aspect of balance - be it serotonin, blood pressure etc. and meds are just temporary fixing one imbalance to cause another.

[Itzakadoozee]

On 4/12/2018 at 12:29 AM, Crank said:

Hi Again,

 

I ended my taper last week on the 5th of April. My last dose was 0.04mg and my previous dose was 0.08mg of Lexapro. It has now been a week, since I am not taking any SSRI and my mind seems to clear up. I just now start to realize how deeply these drugs have been damaging my body and my soul. I still have bad symptoms such as insomnia (which I am treating with melatonin), and sinus and palate pain as well as severe headaches now and then. On the positive side I think that my anxiety has even lessened a bit and my muscles seem to start to relax. On the SSRI I used to be much more tense all the time. Anyway I am very optimistic that the timing of the end of my taper was proper and I will have the whole spring and summer to recover from this awful drug I should have never taken. I am nowhere near recovered yet, but I am positive that given enough time and the absence of any meds I will make it. I still have 5mg of nebivobol left to tapper, but I am now taking at least a two months break to let my nervous system to settle down.
 

Pharma drugs are so powerful and addictive that one can easily succumb to the believe we need to take them for life, or even worse - add more drugs to battle the side effects of the existing ones! I have totally lost my trust in the modern medicine and doctors in general - several months ago I went to a surgeon for a consultation about the palate pain that I experience - he said he knew nothing about it, but heard that amitrpitiline was used to threat such conditions. I was shocked - they now give tricyclic antidepressants to relieve pain conditions caused by SSRIs. Big pharma is pushing these drugs for almost anything - I do not know how is that possible, but it is fact - it appears that Big pharma is the biggest drug dealer in the States. Anyway I want my life to go in a different direction - one without meds and substance dependencies, because I now deeply believe that our bodies have the potential to much better regulate any aspect of balance - be it serotonin, blood pressure etc. and meds are just temporary fixing one imbalance to cause another.

Good job tapering off. Escatalopram is a hellava drug. I’m at 2.4mg and I feel like I have brain damage as I cannot think and feel nutty. But you are giving me hope getting off is possible so thanks.

[Crank]

Just wanted to do an update, since my feedback can maybe help others in their path to healing from the dreadful poisons of psychiatry. At the 5th of September I celebrated my 5th month off from lexapro. The windows are now increasing in length and I have 2-3 hours per day, when I feel almost normal. I sleep well. Even though I have done a very slow and careful tapper, as suggested by this site, the first three months off were a real nightmare - I could not breathe at times, dreadful headaches, anxiety you name it - I got it. It seemed like it will never end - and it has not ended yet, but at least it is much more tolerable and I have these small windows that I enjoy very much. I do not want to write a success story yet - I want to be at least a year off to do that. My symptoms now are:

- sinus and palate pain - at times I can only stop these by keeping my mouth open. It is slowly diminishing though. God damn it I am almost drooling.

- headaches - especially in the evenings
- dry mouth, eyes, sore throat - as if I am sick.

Have not started to loose weight yet. Cannot wait for that to happen and see my body come back to normal size.

I am currently getting these:

5mg - nebivolol
Calcium, Magnesium and Zinc combined formula.
Omega 3 fish oil

So getting off all psychiatric medications is possible, although it is extremely difficult and there are serious long term damages (memory, concentration etc.) that my body has to heal for maybe years, maybe never - who knows. These drugs are extremely dangerous. Have I ever known how dangerous they are, I would have never taken them. It is my ignorant psychiatrist that I blame for all this, since he insisted I should stay on these poisons for "at least a year so that my depression does not relapse". I do not know who came up with the idea that antidepressants should be taken at least for six months to year concept, but for this time even an Yokozuna will become a real addict. I was surely gravely hooked. Thanks God I am still alive.

So long for now - will keep you posted on my progress.