Nikki74: Lexapro mirtazapine diazepam akathisia

[Nikki74]

7 minutes ago, bubble said:

Yes, such rapid cycling is very typical for early stages of stabilisation! (That's why so many people who stop taking drugs and don't know anything about withdrawal get labelled with bipolar when they get to their psychiatrists. They only acknowledge early WD mostly physical symptoms as WD. The rest is relapse and very often bipolar.

 

I have to post the thread on windows and waves for you two to read.

 

When I came here after so many CTs and reinstatements it was relatively easy for me to understand that concept and it saved me from dreadful fear and hopelessness. I would just live from one positive moment to the next firmly believing that was the true me and did all I could to just disregard the rest.

 

What you are going through is so normal and expected (and actually a very good sign) that I even told you about it the other day:

 

Thanks Bubble. The voice of reason in my mental storm.

 

I actually originally put that I feel bipolar! But deleted it.

 

Yes if any ‘professional’ got their hands on me now I know they’d diagnose that or a multitude of things and chuck more pills at me. And it got so bad again today I even started thinking that’s what I need. But I won’t!

 

Just struggling to see how the cocktail I’m on will lead to stability. But it has to as there’s nothing I can do, up or take away.

 

Ive just been a crying, agitated mess with looping looping racing thoughts and terror today. What the heck happened?! Oh yes, a wave. I actually felt a bit manic last night and was flirty on the phone with a friend and feeling rather too ‘up’. Then bam! Fear and agitation etc etc.

 

Glad to hear it’s a good sign! 

[bheb]

No actually, I had an adverse reaction to Prozac in December and cold turkeyed in January.

 

Yeah, it's so hard to tell how exactly the medication affects you. There are times I worry I was having a delayed withdrawal from a Prozac dose reduction 6+ months prior to symptoms. So hard to tell. 

 

Im sorry everything still feels hopeless. I wish I could be thankful for windows but it's so hard when you know a wave is coming soon. It's good that you're taking advantage of them and connecting with art. At least you have a visual reminder that things can get better?

[Nikki74]

23 minutes ago, bheb said:

No actually, I had an adverse reaction to Prozac in December and cold turkeyed in January.

 

Yeah, it's so hard to tell how exactly the medication affects you. There are times I worry I was having a delayed withdrawal from a Prozac dose reduction 6+ months prior to symptoms. So hard to tell. 

 

Im sorry everything still feels hopeless. I wish I could be thankful for windows but it's so hard when you know a wave is coming soon. It's good that you're taking advantage of them and connecting with art. At least you have a visual reminder that things can get better?

Sorry I got that wrong Bheb.

 

I read that your terror has reduced a bit, is it still down? I also read you get either the terror or physical akathisia. That’s like me mostly. 

 

This is whole thing started for me about 18 months ago really. Either the lexapro pooped out or a few nights of Zopiclone led to a kind of withdrawal or the therapy I was in was raising my anxiety. But then started months of adding things on and lowering doses and taking away etc. I think each time I thought my anxiety was going up it was probably withdrawal from a previous change...

 

Now here I am cycling between horrific symptom after cting things and reinstating one drug and ending up on diazepam through it all.

 

I read on your thread a lady who said her daughter was coming out of the wd terror etc after many months (over a year?). So there’s hope. However I can’t imagine attempting to taper any of my drugs when I do finally reach that point. Or even eating sugar! Or how any stress will affect me.

[bubble]

28 minutes ago, bheb said:

There are times I worry I was having a delayed withdrawal from a Prozac dose reduction 6+ months prior to symptoms. So hard to tell. 

 

 

At the cost of hijacking Nikki's thread, I must say you might be onto something here... Looking at your signature of reducing Prozac and knowing that withdrawal is typically delayed, what you report as 'felt akathisia in late November 2016 (it doesn't say when you started reducing Prozac) was very likely WD. Although you say you had no WD symptoms upon stopping in January, you obviously had some symptoms which led you to start taking Clonazepam. 

 

The way we report about what happens reflects our understanding of causes and effects which might not be accurate. If I remember it correctly you ascribe 'akathisia' to adverse reaction to Prozac while it makes better sense to me to see it as a Prozac WD. Tis doesn't help much after the fact but I believe we need to develop our understanding of what is causing what so that we can make better decisions on the next steps.

[bheb]

1 hour ago, bubble said:

Although you say you had no WD symptoms upon stopping in January, you obviously had some symptoms which led you to start taking Clonazepam.

 

The clonazepam was unfortunately prescribed to me for akathisia. I was going to take it while I was on the Prozac actually, but delayed taking it to see if I got better after discontinuing Prozac.  (Either way it's possible that the cold turkey just produced the same wd symptoms that I may have felt due to less drastic reductions earlier on) Good that my doctor recognized it was drug-induced  but not good that I cold turkeyed and ran to another drug. It's all really confusing to me nowadays...I recently did some searching into old journals and messages to find that I hand inklings of agitation more often than I thought I did while on Prozac (at different doses). Nothing like the pacing and scratching that started in late Nov./Dec., but some symptoms I never thought were related till now. You're right that it's important going forward even if nothing can be undone. I'm going to try not to obsess, but I do want to get a better understanding so I'm going to get a Prozac dose history from my doctor at my next appointment so that I can get a better record. 

 

Sorry Nikki to go off on my own investigation here, but thank you bubble for your opinion. It is important to me to move forward by understanding what happened.

 

1 hour ago, Nikki74 said:

I read that your terror has reduced a bit, is it still down?

 

Yes! It is! I only get it for maybe an hour a day at most.

 

1 hour ago, Nikki74 said:

I read on your thread a lady who said her daughter was coming out of the wd terror etc after many months (over a year?). So there’s hope. However I can’t imagine attempting to taper any of my drugs when I do finally reach that point. Or even eating sugar! Or how any stress will affect me.

 

Yes for sure there is hope. And like I mentioned, the terror has let up for me. While the physical agitation is still very distressing for me, it is a relief to not have terror too. There is hope for yours to die down as well. 

[Nikki74]

1 hour ago, bheb said:

 

The clonazepam was unfortunately prescribed to me for akathisia. I was going to take it while I was on the Prozac actually, but delayed taking it to see if I got better after discontinuing Prozac.  (Either way it's possible that the cold turkey just produced the same wd symptoms that I may have felt due to less drastic reductions earlier on) Good that my doctor recognized it was drug-induced  but not good that I cold turkeyed and ran to another drug. It's all really confusing to me nowadays...I recently did some searching into old journals and messages to find that I hand inklings of agitation more often than I thought I did while on Prozac (at different doses). Nothing like the pacing and scratching that started in late Nov./Dec., but some symptoms I never thought were related till now. You're right that it's important going forward even if nothing can be undone. I'm going to try not to obsess, but I do want to get a better understanding so I'm going to get a Prozac dose history from my doctor at my next appointment so that I can get a better record. 

 

Sorry Nikki to go off on my own investigation here, but thank you bubble for your opinion. It is important to me to move forward by understanding what happened.

 

 

Yes! It is! I only get it for maybe an hour a day at most.

 

 

Yes for sure there is hope. And like I mentioned, the terror has let up for me. While the physical agitation is still very distressing for me, it is a relief to not have terror too. There is hope for yours to die down as well. 

No need to apologise. I’m glad you’ve gleaned some insights.

 

Have you been basically waiting to stabilise since your ct?

[Nikki74]

Well the end of an intense day. I’m finding I’ve just been on the verge of terror all day or in it. It goes with a burning head feeling.

 

 

[UnfoldingSky]

On 13/11/2017 at 10:49 AM, Nikki74 said:

 

For US, one of my Dartmoor Pony paintings x 

 

Nikki, I just love your painting and am so touched to get to see it! I especially love the sense of movement to the mane. It's funny your painting style is like a relative's style too.  Would greatly love to see the rest of your work if you are up to it later.  I've been as usual so longing for Dartmoor..and England in general.  Your pony too looks like one in the vid I am obsessed with.  So fitting!

 

I was so glad reading of your day of improvements but of course upset to hear it's been a backslide.  I wanted to say though, the terror does go, I had it as well.  When things get very bad and you've not much to hang on to, it might help to put up photos that will normally cheer you up if there's anything that might be added like that to your home that's not up already.  Helps to have something to hopefully mentally hang onto that is outside of your mind.  Or some people put up sayings, prayers, or positive affirmations. 

 

Also bheb good to hear the terror diminished for you hope the rest of it goes soon too!

 

[Nikki74]

1 hour ago, UnfoldingSky said:

 

Nikki, I just love your painting and am so touched to get to see it! I especially love the sense of movement to the mane. It's funny your painting style is like a relative's style too.  Would greatly love to see the rest of your work if you are up to it later.  I've been as usual so longing for Dartmoor..and England in general.  Your pony too looks like one in the vid I am obsessed with.  So fitting!

 

I was so glad reading of your day of improvements but of course upset to hear it's been a backslide.  I wanted to say though, the terror does go, I had it as well.  When things get very bad and you've not much to hang on to, it might help to put up photos that will normally cheer you up if there's anything that might be added like that to your home that's not up already.  Helps to have something to hopefully mentally hang onto that is outside of your mind.  Or some people put up sayings, prayers, or positive affirmations. 

 

Also bheb good to hear the terror diminished for you hope the rest of it goes soon too!

 

Thank you US. I’m glad you like my painting!

 

Good to hear the terror goes. Did yours coincide with when you had Akathisia?

 

Thanm you for the tips. I do need to put reminders up of sayings that help. 

 

I have a question for you or a mod.

 

Q. Lately sometimes I get a strange thing happen with my feet. It happens at night before bed. I feel my feet go a bit rigid and the rise up a bit, then feel kInd of flappy as I walk. It doesn’t last long. I’m concerned this is dyskinesia. Or is it another withdrawal symptom? 

[UnfoldingSky]

Hi Nikki,

 

I had issues with my feet sometimes too, not quite exactly what you describe but still issues with them.  On occasion they would cramp up badly.  Other times i'd get a slight foot drag especially if I was tired, or under a lot of stress.  Also sometimes my feet would twitch.

 

I've seen a vid of someone who had similar foot issues in benzo withdrawal, if i recall they said it cleared up later.  

 

My foot issues did clear up too.  I know you can't handle straight magnesium right now but food-based mag may help you a bit with it.  After aka and dissociation cleared up I was able to handle a herb that has mag in it which I think helped with muscle tension, twitching, stuff like that.  In early withdrawal though I could not handle most herbs even tiny amounts did weird things to me (thankfully the effects would only last a day though.)

 

As for the terror yes it was often there with the pacing feeling or part of mental aka.  I had no idea it was possible for a person to even feel like that, I just can't understand after that how these kind of pills even made it on to the market.  Or how in the world they claim they help depression!

 

Hope your day is starting out okay, let us know what's going on!

 

[bheb]

3 hours ago, UnfoldingSky said:

Also bheb good to hear the terror diminished for you hope the rest of it goes soon too!

Thanks UnfoldingSky! Your encouragement here and elsewhere as an aka survivor is so valuable. Hope things are still improving for you

[Nikki74]

Horrible Akathisia day. Will this ever go? 

 

I try to work out when it started.

 

I think I experienced it in April when I tried to up my pregabalin dose. I thought it was severe anxiety.

 

Then GP added 15mg Mirtazipine and over night my ‘anxiety’ went.

 

Then when I started cutting the pregabalin I got restless legs for a bit.

 

But it was after cting the Lexapro end June that I believe it really hit. Then doubling the Mirtazipine was horrific. But I’d get calm by the evening. 

 

It’s different now and with me all day unless I get one of those windows where it seems less evident. The Mirtazipine 15mg gives me a break at night. 

 

Q. What are the chances of this going as I stabilise?

 

I THINK I get windows or if not 100% then a much reduced version sometimes. 

 

I wish I knew what caused it and if any of the drugs I’m still on are causing it. 

Edited November 15, 2017 by Nikki74

[bubble]

2 hours ago, Nikki74 said:

What are the chances of this going as I stabilise?

 

This going is actually what stabilization is all about.

 

What caused it or better to say the symptoms you are experiencing are the result of the general destabilization of the central nervous system which was caused by stripped the brain from the substance it built itself around. If you read around you will quickly notice that all of us irrespective of the drug that caused our destabilization suffer from very similar symptoms. So we cannot say that a particular drug causes a particular set of symptoms. They are not antibiotics (although somebody who called them ANTIdepressants and ANTIpsychotics wanted them to be like ANTIbiotics).

 

This post by our former moderator Rhi helped me a lot to understand the nature of the process and what we are going through.

 

So I will not only post a link but copy it in full. 

 

On 8/30/2011 at 9:28 PM, Rhiannon said:

A lot of people, including healthcare practitioners; in fact, I guess, most people-- are operating from entirely the wrong paradigm, or way of thinking, about these meds. They're thinking of them like aspirin--as something that has an effect when it's in your system, and then when it gets out of your system the effect goes away.

 

That's not what happens with medications that alter neurotransmitter function, we are learning. What happens when you change the chemistry of the brain is, the brain adjusts its chemistry and structure to try to return to homeostasis, or biochemical and functional balance. It tries to restabilize the chemistry. For example: SSRI antidepressants work as "serotonin reuptake inhibitors." That is, they cause serotonin to remain in the space between neurons, rather than being taken back up into the cells to be re-used, like it would be in a normal healthy nondrugged brain. So the brain, which wants to re-establish normal signaling and function, adapts to the higher level of serotonin between neurons (in the "synapse", the space between neurons where signals get passed along).

 

It does this by removing serotonin receptors, so that the signal is reduced and changed to something closer to normal. It also decreases the amount of serotonin it produces overall. To do that, genes have to be turned on and off; new proteins have to be made; whole cascades of chemical reactions have to be changed, which means turning on and off OTHER genes; cells are destroyed, new cells are made; in other words, a complex physiologic remodeling takes place. This takes place over time. The brain does not grow and change rapidly. This is a vast oversimplification of the amount of adaptation that takes place in the brain when we change its normal chemistry, but that's the principle.

 

When we stop taking the drug, we have a brain that has designed itself so that it works in the presence of the drug; now it can't work properly without the drug because it's designed itself so that the drug is part of its chemistry and structure. It's like a plant that has grown on a trellis; you can't just yank out the trellis and expect the plant to be okay. When the drug is removed, the remodeling process has to take place in reverse. SO--it's not a matter of just getting the drug out of your system and moving on. If it were that simple, none of us would be here. It's a matter of, as I describe it, having to grow a new brain. I believe this growing-a-new-brain happens throughout the taper process if the taper is slow enough. (If it's too fast, then there's not a lot of time for actually rebalancing things, and basically the brain is just pedaling fast trying to keep us alive.) It also continues to happen, probably for longer than the symptoms actually last, throughout the time of recovery after we are completely off the drug, which is why recovery takes so long.

 

With multiple drugs and a history of drug changes and cold turkeys, all of this becomes even more complicated. And if a person is started on these kinds of drugs at an early age before the brain has ever completely established normal mature functioning--well, it can't be good. (All of which is why I recommend an extremely slow taper particularly to anyone with a multiple drug history, a history of many years on meds, a history of past cold turkeys or frequent med changes, and a history of being put on drugs at a young age.)

 

This isn't intended to scare people, but hopefully to give you some idea of what's happening, and to help you respect and understand the process so you can work with it; ALSO, because you are likely to encounter many, many people who still believe these drugs work kind of like aspirin, or a glass of wine, and all you need to do is stop and get it out of your system. Now you can explain to them that no, getting it out of your system is not the issue; the issue is, you need to regrow or at least remodel your brain. This is a long, slow, very poorly understood process, and it needs to be respected.

 

[Nikki74]

20 minutes ago, bubble said:

 

This going is actually what stabilization is all about.

 

What caused it or better to say the symptoms you are experiencing are the result of the general destabilization of the central nervous system which was caused by stripped the brain from the substance it built itself around. If you read around you will quickly notice that all of us irrespective of the drug that caused our destabilization suffer from very similar symptoms. So we cannot say that a particular drug causes a particular set of symptoms. They are not antibiotics (although somebody who called them ANTIdepressants and ANTIpsychotics wanted them to be like ANTIbiotics).

 

This post by our former moderator Rhi helped me a lot to understand the nature of the process and what we are going through.

 

So I will not only post a link but copy it in full. 

 

 

Thank you Bubble.

 

I have actually read that post and used it several times to try to explain to loved ones why I’m not just getting better. Also to explain to my best friend when she says the reason I’m still suffering is because I need to get off the drugs...

 

I suppose what I meant by my questioning things is that I’ve read where people take a psych drug, get akathisia, then taper it and things improve.  So I question if that’s my case or if it’s as you say, a set of symptoms from destabilising after ripping the drugs away and that in time it will go as the ‘new drug situation’ is adapted to and the cns damage has worked itself out.

 

It makes a difference to me to think that these are a set of symptoms that will diminish over time as stabilisation is reached. Rather than something that will never go unless I’m free of all psych meds. 

[Nikki74]

Things are getting worse. My head is racing out of control, sleep gone,  I’m worse. Housebound and often bedbound. Intrusive memories and looping thoughts. This is so frightening to me. Migraine on top. Physical weakness. Agitated.

 

I wish I’d reinstated Lyrica at the time.

 

 

[Nikki74]

I can’t self soothe, I’ve been trying for hours. I feel sick with this. So sick. My mind is terrifying. Memories disturbing me. I can’t describe it. What can I do? Please help me. 

[AliG]

Hi Nikki. I'm sorry, it sounds like you're in a wave. This is the pattern of windows and waves in withdrawal. It helps to try some of your non- drug techniques. Legs up the wall and deep breathing can help with the anxiety.

 

These are a set of symptoms that will usually diminish over time with stabilization. The variable, is the length of time it may take.

 

Can you go for a walk or have an Epsom bath?

[UnfoldingSky]

Oh Nikki...I'm here. Is there anything outside of your mind, a photo, a vid, anything at all that can distract from it?

 

Are you able to sit still?

[Nikki74]

33 minutes ago, AliG said:

Hi Nikki. I'm sorry, it sounds like you're in a wave. This is the pattern of windows and waves in withdrawal. It helps to try some of your non- drug techniques. Legs up the wall and deep breathing can help with the anxiety.

 

These are a set of symptoms that will usually diminish over time with stabilization. The variable, is the length of time it may take.

 

Can you go for a walk or have an Epsom bath?

Thank you AliG

 

I can’t go for a walk as my CFS is so bad I can barely walk around the house.

 

I can’t tolerate a bath due to the akathisia.

 

I desperately want something to sedate me but know I can’t take any more drugs.

 

It’s the weird intrusive memories and thoughts tormenting me.

 

Past traumas too. Is this normal for this or am I too traumatised to be ok?

 

I feel like I’m losing my mind.

 

I had a tiny window a few days ago but it’s been ramping up again since.

 

Apart from that window it’s been going on for over two weeks now like this but getting more intense. 

 

[Nikki74]

40 minutes ago, UnfoldingSky said:

Oh Nikki...I'm here. Is there anything outside of your mind, a photo, a vid, anything at all that can distract from it?

 

Are you able to sit still?

Thank you 😢

 

I can’t focus on anything. I’m talking to myself. 

 

I can sit for a little while. Everything is too much. Sounds, light, my own head. Everything is scaring me. Everything looks weird. I keep getting memories I don’t know if they’re real and I can’t retrieve the details to work them out. I’m terrified.

 

My body was twitching too. But it’s the relentless thoughts and agitation. It makes me feel like banging my head. I just want a break. 

 

 

[Nikki74]

Can I updose the Diazepam? I don’t want to. I don’t know what to do. I’m not thinking straight. 

 

 

[AliG]

Nikki. I understand how hard it can be at these times, because I've been there, too. It can feel so torturous and each minute can feel like an hour and you really wonder how you are going to get through each moment ... and then you do ... get through that moment and then the next ... and the next.

 

This tends to build confidence, knowing that you can handle the intense waves when they do occur. You can build up your toolkit with those things that work for you during the really rough spots. It may be distraction in whatever form works for you. It could be a movie/ research on the computer/ phone a friend/family or painting. It's anything you can do to just detach from the feeling and overwhelming emotions etc. Memories/ intrusive thoughts etc are all normal in W/D.

 

You may find that magnesium helps with your anxiety. If you can't have an Epsoms salt bath then maybe magnesium oil spray or the supplement form that suits you.

 

Sometimes, you need to change the channel. That often helps.

 

 

I hope you can find some non- drug ways of dealing with this intense wave.

(( hugs))

Ali

[Nikki74]

3 hours ago, AliG said:

Nikki. I understand how hard it can be at these times, because I've been there, too. It can feel so torturous and each minute can feel like an hour and you really wonder how you are going to get through each moment ... and then you do ... get through that moment and then the next ... and the next.

 

This tends to build confidence, knowing that you can handle the intense waves when they do occur. You can build up your toolkit with those things that work for you during the really rough spots. It may be distraction in whatever form works for you. It could be a movie/ research on the computer/ phone a friend/family or painting. It's anything you can do to just detach from the feeling and overwhelming emotions etc. Memories/ intrusive thoughts etc are all normal in W/D.

 

You may find that magnesium helps with your anxiety. If you can't have an Epsoms salt bath then maybe magnesium oil spray or the supplement form that suits you.

 

Sometimes, you need to change the channel. That often helps.

 

 

I hope you can find some non- drug ways of dealing with this intense wave.

(( hugs))

Ali

Thank you Ali

 

It is intense. I feel paranoid. Just can’t rest. I’ve tried some drawing. Simple little flowers. That’s all I’ve managed so far today aside from putting some laundry on. 

 

I’m questioning if I can do this. But can’t see another way. I keep thinking about more drugs. Or if the ones I’m on are ever going to allow stability. I feel so trapped. So ill in mind and body. I’m so fatigued on top of my CFS already. Yet I can’t get rest. I can barely acknowledge my pet dog. Everything is painful. 

 

I read some of your thread and see and see how long it’s been for you. I see how you’ve learned to cope. 

 

I feel I’m starting in such a destabilised place after what happened to me over the summer and the year prior. This wave has been going on for over two weeks, though I wasn’t in a window before, things had become more predictable and I was handling the daily stuff as best I could. Now that’s gone completely with new more intense stuff added in. I’m scared. 

 

The diazepam gives me an hour of things slowing down a bit, then it rears up even stronger. 

 

I’m going on because I don’t know what else to do right now.

 

I’m so scared by what this process is capable of. Of the sheer terror and physical discomfort. The paranoia I feel that I’m going to lose my mind. The way just a sound grates on me and sets my nerves on edge. In my core.

 

Thank you for your kind and understand words. 

[AliG]

Nikki. I'm so glad you did some drawing~ I saw your horse painting and it's really very lovely. I paint too, so I know how you can easily get lost in it and time seems to stand still. That's why I mentioned painting as a distraction, when you're struggling. I do watercolors/mixed media and it has often helped me through this. I would love to do more and am planning to do some courses as well as some overseas painting trips, preferably to France where the light is amazing. Any excuse to go to France is fine by me.   I love it there.

 

If you have managed to draw some flowers and put some laundry on today, then that's great! Your job for now is to keep yourself going, any way that you can. It's really moment by moment. Have you read "The Power Of Now" by Eckhart Tolle?

(( hugs))

Ali

Edited November 16, 2017 by AliG

[powerback]

5 hours ago, Nikki74 said:

I can’t self soothe, I’ve been trying for hours. I feel sick with this. So sick. My mind is terrifying. Memories disturbing me. I can’t describe it. What can I do? Please help me. 

HI NIKKI74 I can so relate to the disturbing memories ,don't be scared off them ,I know its tricky but witness your thoughts and memories and think to yourself oh that's a strange and deep memory ,but when they start creating feelings that's the problem .this withdrawl has giving me the horrible ability to sit there and literally   think myself into a panic attack .do anything to distract yourself ,your not crazy ,its the drugs doing this to our brains ,we are dam strong to cope with such a situation .

I'm a broken record on here about diet ,clean your diet up massively .cut refined sugars out of your diet .

I cook from scratch everyday and eat healthy ,there's a bonus to it ,because I'm always kept busy cooking meals or preparing meals or shopping ,some days I'm hours in the kitchen .you got to distract your mind when its like this .

Take great care .

PB

[Nikki74]

1 hour ago, powerback said:

HI NIKKI74 I can so relate to the disturbing memories ,don't be scared off them ,I know its tricky but witness your thoughts and memories and think to yourself oh that's a strange and deep memory ,but when they start creating feelings that's the problem .this withdrawl has giving me the horrible ability to sit there and literally   think myself into a panic attack .do anything to distract yourself ,your not crazy ,its the drugs doing this to our brains ,we are dam strong to cope with such a situation .

I'm a broken record on here about diet ,clean your diet up massively .cut refined sugars out of your diet .

I cook from scratch everyday and eat healthy ,there's a bonus to it ,because I'm always kept busy cooking meals or preparing meals or shopping ,some days I'm hours in the kitchen .you got to distract your mind when its like this .

Take great care .

PB

Thank you PB

 

I’ve cut out sugar but know I’m still getting some in the form of carbs. I’ve even cut out fruit but miss it and I’m too scared to eat any. Though I have sultanas.

 

I’m housebound and largely bedbound with CFS which is worse now through this so I have to do quick food. The best I can do is an evening meal that’s normally protein in meat or fish form plus rice or potatoes and greens.

 

I smoke which I know doesn’t help but can’t cut back. 

 

The akathisia is so full on right now. Huge internal agitation and buzzing and having to rub and squirm my legs together.

 

Thank you for writing and for your tips about the memories and thoughts. 

 

Nikki 

[Nikki74]

I survived today. 

 

I’m five and a half months from my pregabalin 150mg ct.

 

I’m two months from Zopiclone 

 

I’m 4 and a half months from lexapro ct but later reinstated and then halved that again, in September.

 

Three weeks on a higher dose of Mirtazipine in July too before halving it again to what I’m on now.

 

4 and a half months into daily diazepam use.

 

I’m only really 6 weeks into regular doses and no changes.

 

I don’t know why I’m writing this. It doesn’t help.

 

This wave isn’t going anywhere fast.

 

I’ve re read waves and windows and see it’s so variable for all. 

 

I still don’t understand if waves are when healing is occurring or just a sign of how much work there is to be done. 

 

I’ve read so many threads for hope. I see so many who suffered or are suffering as I am. I found hope on Wildflowers thread where I guess 2 years after her ct she was reporting huge improvements, though was still on a benzo. Gives me some hope.

 

I feel so damaged. So ill. 

 

I’m fighting hard to go on. I have nothing in my life but symptoms right now and teeny bits of non drug coping. I send my son to school then suffer through the day and I’m pained when he comes home that I’m barely able to engage with him.

 

My whole system is so so sensitised.

 

Praying for recovery. 

 

Thank you for your support.

 

 

 

Edited November 16, 2017 by Nikki74

[Nikki74]

5 hours ago, AliG said:

Nikki. I'm so glad you did some drawing~ I saw your horse painting and it's really very lovely. I paint too, so I know how you can easily get lost in it and time seems to stand still. That's why I mentioned painting as a distraction, when you're struggling. I do watercolors/mixed media and it has often helped me through this. I would love to do more and am planning to do some courses as well as some overseas painting trips, preferably to France where the light is amazing. Any excuse to go to France is fine by me.   I love it there.

 

If you have managed to draw some flowers and put some laundry on today, then that's great! Your job for now is to keep yourself going, any way that you can. It's really moment by moment. Have you read "The Power Of Now" by Eckhart Tolle?

(( hugs))

Ali

I just saw this Ali thank you.

 

That’s wonderful you do art. I miss it so so much, I can hardly coordinate and the agitation and fatigue mean I can’t do what I would love to. 

 

I’m scared this ‘wave’ is in for the long haul, like a delayed wd hit. It’s much worse than I was starting to do just two and a half weeks ago. So much of me has shut down while my nerves are super alert.

 

I had those 4 or 5 hours the other day, they seem like it didn’t happen.

 

My head is obsessed with reading about this stuff. I can’t concentrate on anything else.

 

I’m glad you liked my painting. Thank you.

 

ps no I haven’t read it but know of it.

Edited November 16, 2017 by Nikki74

[bheb]

39 minutes ago, Nikki74 said:

I had those 4 or 5 hours the other day, they seem like it didn’t happen.

 

My head is obsessed with reading about this stuff. I can’t concentrate on anything else.

 

That's how I feel too - I've been feeling so down recently and hopeless. I have evidence right in front of me that things can get better, just by remembering windows, but unfortunately doesn't help.

 

Also, I do get obsessed about checking this site and elsewhere on the web about drug reactions and withdrawal. Why is it that that's the only thing I can concentrate on? I feel like it mustn't be healthy but sometimes there is nothing else my mind will let me do to pass the time.

[Nikki74]

8 minutes ago, bheb said:

 

That's how I feel too - I've been feeling so down recently and hopeless. I have evidence right in front of me that things can get better, just by remembering windows, but unfortunately doesn't help.

 

Also, I do get obsessed about checking this site and elsewhere on the web about drug reactions and withdrawal. Why is it that that's the only thing I can concentrate on? I feel like it mustn't be healthy but sometimes there is nothing else my mind will let me do to pass the time.

100% the same dear Bheb. I think ‘this is obsessed and can’t be healthy’ but it’s all I can give focus too. My therapist said that’s natural as it’s what’s happening for me so it’s forefront. I’d love to be able to even flick through a magazine! I think it’s just it’s almost painful to look at ordinary life things as we feel so far from it in this state and it’s hard to look forward to a time when we will feel part of things. But we will. And this wd stuff plays awful tricks with us and our sense of self. 

 

Plus we are craving reassurance and answers in a time of so much pain. 

 

I think it’s aka brain too. 

But wouldnt it be nice to just be able to read a book.

 

I can’t even focus on a tv programme.

[bheb]

I'm the same! Even during the times where I can focus on a tv show, I start to feel really distant from it all. I can't relate. I know fiction is inherent to television, but it's much more extreme than that. I start to get jealous thinking "wow if this agitation could lift just enough for me to feel normal emotions like these people."

 

I know therapy can't cure aka but your therapist sounds good.

[Nikki74]

32 minutes ago, bheb said:

I'm the same! Even during the times where I can focus on a tv show, I start to feel really distant from it all. I can't relate. I know fiction is inherent to television, but it's much more extreme than that. I start to get jealous thinking "wow if this agitation could lift just enough for me to feel normal emotions like these people."

 

I know therapy can't cure aka but your therapist sounds good.

Totally the same with those jealous feelings that for me just turn to deep sadness. 

 

I have an hour phone session a week with my therapist who I’ve known for years. She’s so gentle but can’t help other than to listen and offer compassion. I’ve educated her on all this. She’s just very soothing for that hour and I normally just cry!

 

Have you ever had a window from the aka Bheb?

[bheb]

Yes...I've found a couple people at random points through this to talk to. And they've been so kind and willing to help, but unfortunately not much to talk through sometimes. And when they leave, or the hour is over, it's daunting to tread this alone again. But any moment of even an inkling of comfort is good.

 

 When I am able to calm down and reflect, crying for me is sometimes a good cathartic exercise. But it can also reinforce hopeless feelings. 

 

I have had a window yes. It was very recent. It interestingly came after benzo wd made everything much worse and complicated. And then when the window left I fell right back into my worst. Makes it seem even more like it never happened. 100% akathisia free for a few hours. I hadn't had that since before Prozac. 

[Nikki74]

Terrible night. Hardly any sleep. Got angry with my poor dog who kept coming in. I’m far from myself. Highly symptomatic. Sweating. Agitated. Intrusive memories. Trying to acknowledge and let go. 

 

This wave shows no sign of weakening.

 

Mirtazipine usually lets me sleep some and reduces symptoms for a bit. 

[Nikki74]

Akathisia is full on. All over my body. Legs squirming and rubbing feet together. I’m exhausted with it. Please Lord let this calm down. 

[bheb]

So sorry your night has been awful...probably why this wave is coming on hard. Hang on.

 

Has it calmed at all over the last hour?