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Blondiee1915

Dating in WD

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Blondiee1915

Hi everyone,

 

I was wondering if anyone had any experience dating while being in WD?  I am still not feeling great and have long way to go but I am better than where I was a year ago and was thinking about trying to go on a date and meeting someone special.  It gets lonely and I am in my early 30s and get worried that the clock is ticking and I will end up as a lonely woman with 30 cats and dogs.  I struggle with fatigue, anxiety, dizziness and some dp/dr.  I got an advice that I should try to live as of a normal life as I can and get myself out there.  Of course easier said than done.  Maybe it can help to take my mind off things, but then I worry about how do I explain to that person that I cannot hang out bc I am not feeling well and going through WD or that I cannot drink?  Maybe it is better to wait until I am much better, but at the same time I do not know when this will be.  

 

Any experience and advice will be greatly appreciated. 

 

B. 

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Quietis

im in the same boat, with the added benefit (right?) that the woman i loved just dumped me as son as my paroxetine wd hit the lowest. now i honestly doubt i am boyfriend material. hell, i can barely function as a human being. in your case, i would say try to find someone whom, if not going thru the same exact experiences that you have, maybe shared part of the struggle of mental illnesses and consequently stopping medications. the trick is you could empathize on a deeper level, but its also true the opposite, when people struggle, and struggle hard, forming a connection can be really difficult.. best way is to take it as it comes, and dont put too much hopes in it at first.. sounds like a trite advice, but its all i can think of right now, sorry :V

 

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bruno2016

i was in a relationship when i stopped taking the AD and the subsequently went into WD. I think for about the first 8-12 months of WD i stayed in the relationship although it was obviously impossible to maintain since I could not do the simplest things. We eventually went our separate ways and i then began dating about the 2.5 year mark, or around there. Dating was great and it felt good getting out and meeting women. For me, the dating was both good and bad during this healing process. For one, it was nice to FEEL for someone, be intimate, affectionate, etc...but at the same time, i was still not healed all the way and so was fairly sensitive which would cause me to feel bad. For example, if a woman stopped talking to me, that could set off some depression or feeling of low self worth. As the years went on, I healed up more and was much more balanced. I have a gf now who is great. 

 

The key for me was finding a woman who was not DRAMA! During this healing process if you choose to date, you need to be patient with yourself and have a person who is patient with you. None of this drama crap because it will affect your healing process. 

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Blondiee1915

Hi Bruno,

 

thanks for your input .  I have some okay days but some days are not good so I don't know if I should wait until I am more healed but at the same time I don't have much to do and it might take my mind off things .  I quickly read some of your posts and it looks like you started to feel better after 4 years ? That is such a long time .  When you started dating and still struggled with some of the WD stuff did you tell the person you were with about it ? 

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Blondiee1915

Quetis- thanks for your input and I am sorry about your ex.  That must be very difficult to deal with .  I don't necessary agree that the right person has to deal with the same things as me or struggles .  I agree it could bring a deeper connection but I kind of want not to think about it or talk about it when I am with someone .  It is like a ptsd for me .  I still struggle so I don't even know if I am making a right decision to get out there 

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bruno2016
24 minutes ago, Blondiee1915 said:

Hi Bruno,

 

thanks for your input .  I have some okay days but some days are not good so I don't know if I should wait until I am more healed but at the same time I don't have much to do and it might take my mind off things .  I quickly read some of your posts and it looks like you started to feel better after 4 years ? That is such a long time .  When you started dating and still struggled with some of the WD stuff did you tell the person you were with about it ? 

i think my time line is a bit unclear since i have been around for a long time and some things were not clear. I began feeling better around the two year mark. The first year was the worst. After two years i got better and better and as i said i began dating around 2.5 years. From two years on is when i saw lots of improvements but had a major setback in 2014 from a severe infection i got while abroad. 

 

its totally ok to date. As i said it was both good and bad for me. The key is to find someone who is patient with you in your times of feeling bad. Remember, most people cannot understand what we are going through and will assume things and take things personal. Communication and openness will be important and dont get involved with people who will bring drama bc it will cause setbacks. 

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Tarheel109

Sorry for reviving an old post. I’m currently struggling with this. I suppose it’s different for everyone, but I feel like the person that I am when I am in my waves is not fit to be in a relationship. Does this mean that I won’t try? Absolutely not, but I wouldn’t want to date me like this...

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arwilliams

I have given up on dating entirely and I am in my early twenties.  Take it I am a male but I became I different person once medicated and don't want anyone to have to go through it with me.

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FarmGirlWorks
On 10/27/2017 at 10:47 AM, bruno2016 said:

its totally ok to date. As i said it was both good and bad for me. The key is to find someone who is patient with you in your times of feeling bad. Remember, most people cannot understand what we are going through and will assume things and take things personal. Communication and openness will be important and don't get involved with people who will bring drama bc it will cause setbacks. 

Thanks for reviving this "old" post. I started dating a man last year (when I was 50 and he 58 -- def older) at month 5. He met me on a "good" day and I did have a nice window of a couple weeks or so probs because I was starting a new romance. That window ended and I've been in a long wave with a few window blips of seconds, minutes... not sure if I've made an hour; I am at month 15. Part of the reason it is still going is that it is long-distance so I only see him every week or two and his adult sons are both opioid (meth and heroin) addicts; in fact, the youngest just got put in jail again. I think compared to the craziness and theft and manipulation they offer, I'm a low-drama drug addict 🙂

 

I still question how this is going to last with the distance and I want to move from the city but am in no shape psychologically or work-wise to do that. And, frankly, it is nice to have someone be sympathetic and actually believes me that WD is a real thing and lasts more than a couple months. There are so few people in my life period and even less that are sympathetic to this.

 

@bruno2016 is absolutely right: they need to be patient, communication is key, and no drama.

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Blondiee1915

Thank you for your input @FarmGirlWorks. It is really nice to have that connection, understanding and opposite sex attention (or same sex attention).  I am glad it is working out for you (knocking on wood here).  I just met someone also and wondering how I can make it and that eventually I have to let the person know.  It is scary but at the same time this is me now.  

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FarmGirlWorks

@Blondiee1915, yes, that is true that it is yourself now and you have to be honest about that as trying to pretend, in my experience, doesn't work too well. Good luck with the new romance!

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oops44

I'm reviving this thread once again because I believe it to be an important topic and one that isn't spoken about enough here.  if you visit enough member threads and are paying attention it becomes apparent there is a whole subset of people who are in a similar situation.  I've taken to calling us the lonely hearts club.  

 

personally I have been dating throughout my withdrawal for the last three years. the way I see it my life isn't waiting around for me to feel better so I can't either.  it has been tricky to be sure, and I have had many experiences where I think maybe things would have gone better had I not been in withdrawal but on the whole it has always been a positive experience and I wouldn't change a thing.

 

if you are willing and able I would definitely go for it.  you might surprise yourself with how easily it all comes back to you.  you might also be surprised by how well honesty about your situation can be received and the willingness of others to be supportive.  when someone likes you for you they can be as flexible as gumby.  the moment when i realized all my self doubt was wasteful and unfounded was a like religious experience shared between two people.  

 

however, being that I am currently single it stands to reason that for every high point there has also been a low.  when things don't go well it can touch of your other symptoms so be prepared for that..... or you can continue with the alternative...... but for me that is no longer an option.

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oops44

also I think it should be said that when dating in withdrawal you're going to fail.  possibly miserably.  you're going to be noticeably awkward at times and want to run away.  you'll take things personally.  maybe misread a person or situation or two.  and just generally screw things up.  so basically its exactly the same as dating without withdrawal :^) 

 

early in my wd I went to visit a girl.  at this point we already knew each other and were attracted and had recently been investigating the possibility of being more than friends.  I was in complete control of myself...... until I got to her place.  I got slammed with anxiety and fell apart.  things got noticeably awkward and I quickly said my goodbyes and left.  a week passed and amazingly we were still in contact.  I figured I blew my only shot so i told her about what happened to me that night and about withdrawal and what it does to me.  what did I have to lose? I already blew it right?  

 

wrong.  turns out she was a very understanding person and like most decent and honest people could relate with feeling scared and awkward in a stressful situation.   her handling of that set the tone for me.  I became willing to risk more and more of myself and the relationship grew because of it.  I grew because of it.  

 

eventually we moved on but remain friends to this day.  bittersweet.  no regrets.

 

the split set off a month long wave for me.  once I settled myself I got up and dusted myself off and went looking for another horse to ride.  this road we find ourselves on is far too long to walk alone.

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oops44

so some key points for success?  well the dating experience is much like the withdrawal experience.  its going to shake you up and take you out of your comfort zone.  all you can do is be mentally prepared for it and do only what you are comfortable doing and hang on for the ride.  

 

the first casualty of my wd was my pride.  almost in an instant I had to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't the person I had led myself to believe I was, and that was painful.  turns out I was orders of magnitude weaker than I thought I was. I was just a frail quivering pile of emotion at the mercy of everyone including myself, how could I possibly open myself to someone else?  

 

well it goes back to my pride.  I had to let go of the idealistic and somewhat vain self image I had and accept who I really was inside because the secret was out now and couldn't be hidden from myself any longer.  and then a beautiful thing happened: I liked this new person I had become.  there was more strength in his weakness than ten of the previous iteration of myself combined.  so I gave him free reign of the whole show.  and now I can look back with pride and say "yes thats me, and I like him just the way he is".

 

so now Im this brand new man and want to show him off to the world.  I'm gonna blast off like a rocket and go to the stars and its gonna be everything I ever wanted it to be and more I'm unstoppable!!!!  right?

 

wrong again.  Houston we have a problem.  sure I had let go of some pride between myself and I, but to do so with an entity outside of me?  could I?  I was a mess and in no condition to impose my mess on someone else.  right?  I couldn't let someone see who I really was it was unconscionable.....  more pride.  I desperately wanted affection and I had finally come to believe I deserved it but I was too proud to ask for what I wanted from someone else.  it was a wall that seemed insurmountable.  and if I hadn't already been broken down so utterly and so completely I might never have found a way over it.  I guess wd has its positive attributes after all.  being as far down as I was it wasn't much of a stretch for me to give up just a little bit more of my former self and abandon the pride and fear of asking for what I wanted.  what I needed.  what I deserved.

 

and that was when I knew for certain I was ready to date again.

 

 "come what may" became my mantra.  and I have been committed to it and where ever it leads I'm along for the ride.

 

 

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