☼ RealMe: fighting depression/withdrawal from Abilify, Trintellix now on Prozac

[RealMe]

On 9/5/2018 at 10:00 PM, Rosetta said:

I glad that you have seen progress.  Oh, yes, alone time is very, very important.  Quiet, peace, and alone time!!

Hi Rosetta,

Well, I don't have the quiet I used to take for granted due to tinnitus, but I am learning to habituate and put it more into the background.  It will take time, and my reaction to it has improved.  But even though I always have to be in some sort of sound to distract, I have been able to enjoy some peaceful times.  Hope you are doing well!

xo,

RM

[Ogres]

On 9/16/2018 at 4:44 PM, RealMe said:

Hi Ogres,

I'm sorry you are going through this.  What can we do to help you cope with this pattern?  I know you like being strong, and I am pulling for you!  Hope your gf is healthy and helpful!

xo RM

Hi RealMe, 

Thanks for your words of support. I'm back to my usual routine of work, exercise, healthy food and no alcohol. Plus my gf is with me at the moment. She does not know that I was/am in WD and I try to hide inner feelings and health issues as best as I can. Only say that I have occasional insomnia. 

Best wishes to you my friend 

[RealMe]

19 minutes ago, Ogres said:

no alcohol

Hi Ogres,

This WD has its own set of parameters.  How are you doing it?  If you want to talk about it, let me know.  I have been there for sure.

 

23 minutes ago, Ogres said:

I try to hide inner feelings and health issues as best as I can.

This was and still is a big one for me.  I guess I spread it around a little.  I tell certain people certain things; others I tell certain other things. I guess I compartmentalize, but I do get it out somehow.  Because I can't afford to slip back into that godawful depression, I'm up for anything that helps me.

xo,

RM

[RealMe]

Hi Fellow Survivors,

I'm finding it a bit more difficult to deal with some of my symptoms the past two weeks.  It seems to be related to a lack of sunshine and not being on vacation anymore.  I can't pinpoint anything I'm doing differently except that I have responsibilities with my grandchildren; my husband had surgery; and my sister had a serious injury.  I feel like I'm thinking more than acting.  My symptoms are fewer, but they bother me more than they did a few weeks ago.  I've been less able to put my troubling thoughts and symptoms on the shelf.  Nevertheless, I'm glad to be tapered down to .35mL of fluoxetine; and the difference between my mental and physical condition now and a year ago is incredible.  Despite my complaints I am better than I ever was on medication.  One of my most difficult challenges was morning despondency and anhedonia.  I tried and tried but could not get out of bed in the morning most days; and if I managed to do so, I went back to bed.  I spent 12 or more hours per day in bed!  And the rest on the sofa!  I have been able to get up, count my blessings, make my bed, get dressed and start my day every day for weeks.  Like I said, I'm finding my feelings a bit more difficult to deal with, but I'm safely withdrawing from psychotropic drugs thanks to this forum.

xo RM

[wantrelief]

I think it sounds normal to have some challenges with feelings given the stressful events that have been going on in your life.  I hope both your husband and sister are ok.  It is amazing how much better you are doing than last year, RM!

[RealMe]

On 9/25/2018 at 10:42 PM, wantrelief said:

I think it sounds normal to have some challenges with feelings given the stressful events that have been going on in your life.  I hope both your husband and sister are ok.  It is amazing how much better you are doing than last year, RM!

Hi wantrelief,

Thank you for your kind words. I feel like I complain too much.  But this morning our dog died, and it was a h___ of a day. I am lucky not to be zonked out on meds like last year.

xo RM

[Hibari]

Hi RealMe.

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog.  Our dog died 2 months ago and it's been so hard.  My husband also had surgery a month after so I understand the stress you have been under.

 

There is no way around these events but I just wanted to offer my condolences.

 

Hibari

[wantrelief]

Oh no - I am so sorry about your dog, RM. I am thinking about you and here for any support you need.

[RealMe]

3 minutes ago, Hibari said:

There is no way around these events but I just wanted to offer my condolences.

 

Thank you, Hibari.  I am sorry about your dog too.  Hope your husband is doing well.  I see that you stopped Remeron more than a year ago!  Good for you.  I'm hoping to be free of fluoxetine soon!

 

[RealMe]

2 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

Oh no - I am so sorry about your dog, RM. I am thinking about you and here for any support you need.

Thank you, Wantrelief.  I hope this stress comes to an end soon. But then, life is full of stress.  I need to just keep on learning how to live without chemicals.

 

[Frogie]

Hi RealMe:

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog.

 

I lost my therapy dog 5 months ago on October 9th. She was 16 years old.

 

It's still hard not having her with me. Life is not the same.

 

Again, I'm so sorry...

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[RealMe]

17 hours ago, Frogie said:

I lost my therapy dog 5 months ago on October 9th. She was 16 years old.

Thanks for your note, Frogie.  I'm so sorry about your therapy dog as well.  Both of our dogs were 16 years old!  That's a long time in dog years to be blessed with such loving companions.  They just don't live long enough, but that's why we have to appreciate our loved ones each day we have them.  Today is sunny and a little bit crisp, and I took a walk to a yard sale in the neighborhood--nothing good to buy, but I met a neighbor I never knew and got some energy.  My tinnitus has let up a little, and that never fails to lift my spirits.  Hope you are well, dear Frogie.  I see you were troubled with your TSH level, and I wonder what that is.  Hope it is better now.  Glad you have a doctor that is cautious about unnecessary medications.

xo RM

[Frogie]

11 minutes ago, RealMe said:

Thanks for your note, Frogie.  I'm so sorry about your therapy dog as well.  Both of our dogs were 16 years old!  That's a long time in dog years to be blessed with such loving companions.  They just don't live long enough, but that's why we have to appreciate our loved ones each day we have them.  Today is sunny and a little bit crisp, and I took a walk to a yard sale in the neighborhood--nothing good to buy, but I met a neighbor I never knew and got some energy.  My tinnitus has let up a little, and that never fails to lift my spirits.  Hope you are well, dear Frogie.  I see you were troubled with your TSH level, and I wonder what that is.  Hope it is better now.  Glad you have a doctor that is cautious about unnecessary medications.

xo RM

We have to give thanks for everyday we have. I live in a very small town. I've been here 5 years. Very clickish. And they let you know if you aren't from here they are not going to be friends. And they aren't. I'm very lonely, but my fiancé is fixing up our place and our rental house so we can move home. I'll be so glad to be by my granddaughter and my fiances mom again. What kind of dog did you have? Mine was a chihuahua. I'm so lost and lonely without her. It drizzled here this morning but has stopped. The sun never came out. TSH has to do with the thyroid. It's high but in normal limits so the dr is just watching it. I'm glad your spirits are good. Just wanted to let you know how sorry I was for the loss of your dog.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

 

 

[Carmie]

Hi RealMe, 

 

I just read about your dog. I’m sooo sorry. 

 

Sending you the biggest hug ever🤗🤗🤗

[RealMe]

On 9/30/2018 at 6:35 PM, Carmie said:

Hi RealMe, 

 

I just read about your dog. I’m sooo sorry. 

 

Sending you the biggest hug ever🤗🤗🤗

Thank you for the hug, dear Carmie!  I marvel at how you have tapered.  Very inspiring.  We are going to make it.

xo RM

[Carmie]

8 hours ago, RealMe said:

Thank you for the hug, dear Carmie!  I marvel at how you have tapered.  Very inspiring.  We are going to make it.

xo RM

 

Yes, we will make it RealMe, 

 

If I do the brassmonkey slide it will take me about ten years to get off 7.5mg but I’ll try n tweak it here n there too. See how I go. My main thing is to try n keep the akathisia at a distance as it makes me want to die.

 

Wishing you all the best with your continued tapering 💚

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[RealMe]

Just an update.  I'm down to .25mL fluoxetine (prozac) and feeling very grateful.  This time last year was so difficult I feared I would not make it.  Today I miss the warm, sunny weather and taking long walks.  I tried the gym today but couldn't get into it.  I have to find a way to exercise so I don't slip back into lethargy.  Tinnitus is still an issue, but in general I'm doing well.  Looking forward to zero AD's.  It shouldn't be too much longer.  Hope all my fellow survivors are tapering painlessly!

[RealMe]

I'm down to .2mL fluoxetine and doing ok.  I notice low mood since the sunshine went away and the cold came in.  I also either injured my knee or arthritis suddenly got bothersome.  I can hardly walk or bend it, and walks in the sun were a big part of my mood work.  I had gel shots (not cortisone) a few days ago at an arthritis center; so after about 5 weeks, it should improve.  Hopefully, I didn't injure it, but I wanted to stay away from the ortho doctor because mri, drugs or surgery, you know.  Tinnitus still an issue but better than this time last year.  My appetite is increasing, and I'm gaining weight.  Not as interested in self care which is not a bright symptom for me, so I want to do something about that.  My mornings have been so much better than they were.  I get up at a reasonable time every single day--miracle.

 

My sister in another state had major surgery, and they gave her Tramadol which caused a seizure.  She is out of the woods, but she was in intensive care with all kinds of emergencies.  I'm going to stay with her for a week after TG.  She has someone taking care of her at home now, but it was a terrible scare and nothing for the pain of her surgery!  The medical profession has no clue about how to safely medicate people.  I can't believe how gullible I used to be.  I plan to stay away from anyone with a prescription pad (now computers) as much as humanly possible.

 

Hope all fellow survivors are doing well.  I feel grateful to be traveling this WD road with you.

xo RM

 

 

 

 

 

[ChessieCat]

3 hours ago, RealMe said:

I notice low mood since the sunshine went away

 

Have you considered these:  Light boxes for depression and sleep disorders

[Rosetta]

RM,

 

I'm very happy to read that your tinnitus is lessening.  I was much worse (much, much, much worse) this time last year, too.  I even had a strange feeling yesterday when I thought about the fact that I have survived what went on in my head last November.  There is no word for the feeling, but I'm grateful that I'm still here, and I'm grateful that you are, too.  You "sound" very good, RM, very good indeed.  

 

I'm sorry about your knee.  Could you you get a microwaveable neck/shoulder wrap and wear it while you sit outside.  It will keep you warm as the blood flowing past your neck is warmed.  This will give you time in the UV light that you need.  I would love to have a light box, too.

 

Rosetta

[RealMe]

4 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

 

Have you considered these:  Light boxes for depression and sleep disorders

Yes, good idea, ChessieCat.  Thank you.  I bought one years ago, and tomorrow I am going into the attic to see if I can find it.  If I can't find it, I will buy one right away.

xo RM

[RealMe]

44 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

microwaveable neck/shoulder wrap and wear it while you sit outside.

Thank you, Rosetta!  One thing about me has changed since I first arrived here, and that is I am willing to try anything but drugs.

 

You sound good too, friend!  Still so kind and helping others.

xo RM

[RealMe]

I ordered 
Verilux HappyLight Compact Personal, Portable Light Therapy Energy Lamp 

from Amazon.

Yesterday morning I had some mental confusion and a big crying jag.  I had to do something, so I managed to drag my painful knee to the gym where I walked a slow, flat treadmill for 20 minutes and used some arm weights and punching bag for 20 minutes.  It made me feel like I accomplished something, and I hope I built up a couple of much needed endorphins.  I have been working on accepting my daughters just as they are and keeping my mouth shut when they tell me their problems.  Astonishingly to me, they apparently do not want my advice. 😉  Hard lesson for a Mom.

Thanksgiving was wonderful.  I was able to set a beautiful table and cook wonderful, traditional food for my children and grandchildren.  I tried to keep my expectations in check, so I was in a grateful state of mind.  I think all that work and effort at good behavior and thinking caught up to me.  When I stopped to talk to my sister who is still in agony from her surgery and to my other sister who is taking care of her in another state, I succumbed to sadness and worry.  I will be going there to help out in a week.

As far as other symptoms, the noise in my head is not as horrible as this time last year.  Although it has a life of its own, it is worse when I am stressed but sometimes it is just worse.  I have respites, thankfully, and that gives me great hope that I am progressing in habituation.  I have no trouble sleeping, although I still get up three or four times during the night.  I haven't tried not drinking anything after a certain time.  I don't know what time that would be.

I still don't eat flour or sugar or salt because doing so makes me depress (I purposely use the verb after reading William Glasser).  I limit fat, protein, fruit and dairy; but I guess I eat too much because I am gaining a little weight.  That could be from not exercising as much as I had been due to the painful knee and cold weather.

I pray and meditate.  I have learned to stop judging myself for having certain thoughts.  I judge the thoughts, not myself for having them.  I have been reading (very slowly and ponderously) Full Catastrophe Living and learning about mindfulness which I used to consider stupid but now look at with more of an open mind.  I have a long way to go with this.  The language seems too dense and verbose and contradictory, but I am gleaning some helpful ideas nevertheless.  Desperation is quite a motivator.

I may have mentioned this in one of my updates, but it bears repeating:  My hair has stopped falling out!  I attribute that to the almost absence of ADs (.18mL Fluoxetine) in my system--thanks to the help I receive here that I could find no where else.

In solidarity & fortitude to fellow survivors of ADs,

xo RM

 

 

 

[Carmie]

Hi RealMe, 

 

Just wanted to say I hope the portable light therapy gives you some relief from the sadness you feel. It’s warm most of the year here in Queensland n even in winter the sun shines a lot. If you find it helps you’ll be able to recommend it to others on here that feel miserable in the cold weather. 

 

It does snow in New York though, doesn’t it? I’ve seen some beautiful pictures. I was born in Germany but came over here when I was young. Did live in Europe for a couple of years as a teenager. I remember the snow. I always found it beautiful.

 

I remember one day the snow was so high that I walked to school in snow that was about the height of my knees if I remember correctly. I got to school n there was a sign saying that there was no school due to the snow! Wish I knew that in advance.🤣

 

Take care, sending hugs 🤗

[RealMe]

12 minutes ago, Carmie said:

I hope the portable light therapy gives you some relief from the sadness you feel.

Hi Carmie,

Thank you for responding to me.  I will let you know if the light therapy helps, but I probably won't really be able to test it accurately because I am going out of state next week where there is more natural sun.  I'm going to help my sister who is recovering from serious surgery and illness.

Thank you for the day brightening story about you trudging through the snow when you were little.  I also remember some happy childhood treks in the beautiful snows of New York.  It's a little harder to trek at my age, but I can certainly enjoy the winter beauty as I sit next to my sun lamp! 

xo RM

 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

On 11/25/2018 at 8:39 AM, RealMe said:

Yesterday morning I had some mental confusion and a big crying jag.  I had to do something, so I managed to drag my painful knee to the gym where I walked a slow, flat treadmill for 20 minutes and used some arm weights and punching bag for 20 minutes.  It made me feel like I accomplished something

 

Hi, RealMe

 

I see you just bought a Happy Light and so did I; I have been using it for a couple weeks and I feel it helps even if I was hoping for a more dramatic result. do you plan to bring it with you when you go to your sister's? they aren't very big but I guess fragile.

 

I have read just a tiny bit of your thread and I really admire how far you have come. I think physical exercise is one of the best ways to deal with mood issues, especially sadness and anxiety. I hope to do more of it - I keep starting but then I stop. I am on my feet all day with my job and that's helpful; much better than if I had a desk job. 

 

just wanted to wish you good luck on your trip (will you be posting while away?) and say how lucky you and your sisters are to have each other.  even if your daughters don't recognize just now what a fount of wisdom you are. as they age, hopefully they will! 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 27, 2018 by JackieDecides
better words

[RealMe]

On 11/26/2018 at 10:22 PM, JackieDecides said:

 

Hi, RealMe

 

Happy Light . . .  do you plan to bring it with you when you go to your sister's?

No, because I'm hoping there will be some sun down there in Florida!  I'm sitting by my lamp right now.  Hope it's helping!

 

Thanks so much for your encouraging words.  I'm definitely not an exercise person, but trying to move, however slowly, has helped me.  Starting and stopping is fine.  Keep on starting and stopping.  Any effort in a positive direction is well worth it.

 

I don't know if I will be writing because I don't know if I'll have access to a computer or how busy I will be with my sister.

Thanks again for your kindness, Jackie.  Hope the lamp continues to help you.

xo RM

[Rosetta]

I'm very happy to hear that you set a Thanksgiving table.  That is challenging for anyone.  How lovely to have had your children and grandchildren and to be able to cook.  Wow.  That is evidence of healing.  You are so much better than you were, RM!

 

(I keep hoping that my hair will stop falling out.  Last night, I thought that less was coming out after I washed it, but that might have been wishing thinking.)

[Carmie]

On 11/27/2018 at 12:40 PM, RealMe said:

Hi Carmie,

Thank you for responding to me.  I will let you know if the light therapy helps, but I probably won't really be able to test it accurately because I am going out of state next week where there is more natural sun.  I'm going to help my sister who is recovering from serious surgery and illness.

Thank you for the day brightening story about you trudging through the snow when you were little.  I also remember some happy childhood treks in the beautiful snows of New York.  It's a little harder to trek at my age, but I can certainly enjoy the winter beauty as I sit next to my sun lamp! 

xo RM

 

 

 

 

Hi RealMe, 

 

I hope you have a lovely time in Florida. I’m sure the sun will make your days a little brighter, and yes, please let me know how you go with the light therapy once you use it. I’m sure that your sister will appreciate your visit n you can encourage each other. My sister is a sweetheart too. 

 

We have so much sun here, I wish I could send some your way☀️💚

[RealMe]

I cry a lot easier, but it's not like depression (during which I never shed a tear--especially on meds--too numb).  I mean, a lot easier--like more than the people I come in contact with.  Sometimes it's hard to control.  I feel like if I let a tear fall, the dam will burst.  If something strikes me as sad, it sets me off.  I can chalk it up to dealing with emotions that were numbed for a very long time; but still, I have to get a grip somehow.

 

I'm taking so very little fluoxetine.  Almost finished with my taper.  Can this still be withdrawal?  I am feeling anxious that I am going to lose it. Getting more thoughts of guilt and worthlessness.   I tell myself these thoughts are nothing to feel guilty about, but they won't do me any good either.  Let it go. 🎈🎶😚

 

I'm back after 10 days of caring for my sister.  It was cold and rainy so I didn't get to do any walking in the sunshine.   It was hard to see her suffering.  She is always so cheerful and positive.  Then when I got home, my granddaughter had the flu and had to stay home from school with me.  She's a really good child, so no trouble but worrisome to see her so sick.  Then there's getting ready for Christmas.  I haven't even had any impulse to do my cards-just guilt.  I think I am having normal feelings under the circumstances, but I sure don't like this sadness/anxiety thing.

 

Hope everyone is doing ok.

xo RM

 

 

[RealMe]

Such a miracle to be off antidepressants.  I told my sister that I'll never take another AD unless I start thinking I am Napoleon.  Even then, I would check with the moderators here before I would agree to be drugged for a "chemical imbalance."  It strikes me now as bizarre to believe that my symptoms were simply a "chemical imbalance" that could be managed by a brain altering chemical.  Why didn't anyone want to help me find out what was causing the "chemical imbalance" instead of piling on the side effects of ADs?  Since joining this life-saving forum, I have learned a great deal about what I can do to cope with many of my symptoms.  It was hell for years to have all those side effects with no relief from depression.

 

For today, I just want to bask in the freedom to feel my varied emotions and bodily sensations and to offer hope to anyone who is trying to withdraw safely from ADs.

xo RM

[wantrelief]

This is wonderful news, RM - congratulations!!

[RealMe]

 

On 12/21/2018 at 7:06 PM, wantrelief said:

This is wonderful news, RM - congratulations!!

Thanks, Want Relief!  You are always a positive influence on my state of being!

 

[RealMe]

Forty-one days free of anti-depressant drugs, and I feel like I'm living a normal life!

[ChessieCat]

On 12/22/2018 at 10:54 AM, RealMe said:

Even then, I would check with the moderators here before I would agree to be drugged for a "chemical imbalance."  It strikes me now as bizarre to believe that my symptoms were simply a "chemical imbalance" that could be managed by a brain altering chemical.  Why didn't anyone want to help me find out what was causing the "chemical imbalance" instead of piling on the side effects of ADs?

 

For the benefit of any members or guests reading this, please see: 

again-chemical-imbalance-is-a-myth-stop-the-lies-please

 

[direstraits]

21 hours ago, RealMe said:

Forty-one days free of anti-depressant drugs, and I feel like I'm living a normal life!

congrats!

lucky you...I'm jealous.

 

take care,ds

xx