☼ Glosmom: my daughter's taper

[Glosmom]

Thank you, @manymoretodays for stopping by and saying, "Hi" and the well wishes for Glo. I will probably post an update soon. I look forward to reading your success story whenever you decide to write it   Best Regards, Daphne

[Glosmom]

Update - Glo is finishing up week 18 since dropping to zero

 

Sleep -  Glo continued with fluctuating sleep patterns similar to what I posted in my last update, until 2 weeks ago. About week 17 she started sleeping through the night more than she was having nights where she didn't sleep or had very broken sleep.  So almost for the last two weeks, Glo has been sleeping 7 plus hours of sleep about 4 or 5 nights a week. She does have about one night a week where she is up and down all night and then the other 2 nights she falls asleep about 4 or 5am and then sleeps about 4 or  5 hours. So the past 2 weeks her sleep has improved. Hope this pattern continues!

 

Good Things to Report - Glo went to Chicago AGAIN with me to visit her sister in June and she managed the trip okay. Her sister commented that she thought Glo did better this time than when we visited in May.  We also just got back from a Fourth of July family reunion (rented an RV and 'camped out' essentially) and Glo went and actually tolerated it pretty well.  It was very hot and humid so she would go back to the air conditioning in the RV a lot to rest or watch her videos, but she did better than she did 2 years ago when we had a family reunion and she was still on Risperdal.  My family noted how well she looked (has been off meds for over 4 months) and they thought she smiled more. She said hello to everyone but did not talk much. She also spent a lot of time 'in her head' BUT I am very proud of her for going and  not having any terror episodes or anger spells. Actually, when I was taking her to her dads after the trip was over, she was smiling and I asked, "Are you happy, Glo?" and she said, "yes, I am very happy!" So that was priceless! Her dad also commented that she continued to be 'in a good mood' that entire night.  So the good news is Glo is still doing well with short trips and gives us hope that we can continue to take her to more places for longer lengths of time.

 

Glo continues to respond better when we talk with her and is much more open to getting in the car and going places. She asked to go out to dinner one night (although once we got there she 'was in her head' the whole time) and she went inside a store while I was looking at antiques the other day and she went to another restaurant and sat on the deck and watched boats on the water for a bit. She has for the most part over the last 2 years said, "no, no, no..." when we ask her to get out of the car and go into stores, so this is a BIG improvement in that she is agreeable to go more places around town. Glo continues to talk more than she was, watch her shows and is singing a lot!  

 

Her anger spells are almost non existent these days as well as her crying spells!!  Her nausea has seemed to resolve as well.  She continues to notice her surroundings more and actually walked out to one of our barns and saw a picture that she painted many years ago. She commented on it and said she remembered painting it.  She also said, 'ohhh the wind feels nice, mommy."  She is responding more to her dog, Sorry, as well as interacting with/reacting to seeing and petting other animals.

 

Things that are the same or for which she still struggles -  Well, she is still not 'her normal self' .  She continues to spend a lot of time 'in her head'; as I stated in her previous update not sure if this is psychosis, visual and auditory hallucinations or intrusive memories.  She also continues to seem confused.  She will have an entire string of sentences where she is talking about something (a memory??) and it makes no sense.  Almost like she is trying to talk and say words but it comes out gibberish. She also seems to not always understand what to do. For example, I will say, 'Gloria, dry your hands off" after she has washed them and she will go to flush the toilet again or wash her hands again.  So her cognition is still jumbled quite a bit.  She is still not wanting to swim, go to movies, go to the park, go to karaoke (well we took her and then she bolted from the room) so I am assuming that socializing with strangers is not on her list (although she was okay with being with family for a bit at a time)

 

Conclusion to this Update - Glo is continuing to heal and thus I am continuing to have HOPE for a full recovery one day (or week or month or year.)  She is better now than she was at the last update, so overall things are improving.  I continue to be grateful for what is good and not focus on how far we still have to go!

 

Best Wishes and Peace to all who are struggling, Glosmom

[puthappinessfirst]

Another brilliant update about Glo!

She is making massive strides and should be an inspiration to us all!

 

Sometimes when I am having racing/intrusive thoughts, my cognition goes to crap and I get really confused as well. 

It's hard to think and process and verbalize at these times, although they last brief minutes for me, not long stretches of time. 

And it is usually when cortisol is high, aka in the morning. I've heard this fades for most people. 

 

Thanks for another ray of light and hope!

❤️ 

[Glosmom]

Want to add this to my thread (posted on @rupa) for tracking.... This occurred on day 150 from drop to zero.....

 

HI Rupa!  Just wanted to say "Hi" and share that Glo had a very similar experience yesterday to something you reported awhile back.....

 

Quote

 

This is happening again from yesterday evening.

Same , been in hot weather for long while for kitchen work.

This time its located in the middle location of brain.

You can sense it, its not at the core   nor at top of the brain.

All these years I had no problem at hard surface of skull.

I can feel the soft organ what we call brain, I can sense , where problem occuring

 

 

 

Glo agreed to go out for a short bike ride 2 days in a row...which is great! However, yesterday it was very warm and sunny so after our very short ride she came in side and was crying and screaming in agony that her head hurt and she was so hot.  It was awful. I was able to get her into air conditioning with a fan and cool cloth. She calmed down eventually but I could tell she was 'dazed' from the experience. She ended up being fine during the rest of the evening but it was very hard to watch her suffer for those few minutes. I KNOW it was due to her being in the heat and sun, even though it was a total of about 20 minutes.  Having known that you went through something similar was so comforting!!  Thank you again for sharing your journey so that those of us who are on a similar path can find comfort along the way. 

 

Good news is that Glo is agreeing to go out more and I think the short walks she is taking (about 10 to 15 minutes) are helping her have more consistent sleep. 

 

I am heading out for a vacation (not taking Glo this time) so Glo will be with her dad.  I am excited to have a bit of a respite.  Will check back in to report further for her update.

 

[NorthStar]

Hi, @Glosmom.

 

I wanted to stop by and convey my admiration, appreciation, and support. I've just started following your thread. Wow - your family's journey has been so trying but, it seems, is becoming triumphant. Your daughter is an incredible person, clearly. So are you. I just became a mom about a year ago (I didn't know it was going to be so wonderful, and so hard, and so scary, and so wonderful...), and appreciate seeing this from a mother's perspective. Sending you and your family healing, happy thoughts. And have a lovely vacation!

 

Here's to Glo, and to you.

[Glosmom]

Update -   It appears Glo may be healing!!  

It has been 6 months and 3 days since Glo jumped to Zero.  The last 2 months have been full of windows and waves; however, in the last couple of weeks we have seen some improvements that we haven't seen before.  She is not back to herself yet, but we are very pleased with what we are seeing.

 

Sleep -   Glo has slept the last 8 days in a row!  Before this past week she was still fluctuating as I posted in my last update.  Not sure if we will continue to see good sleep every night but at least we know she can sleep this many days in a row.  We will take this improvement and run with it...knowing that she could fluctuate in the future again.

 

Good Things to Report -  There are actually a lot of good things to report. Since the last update Glo has gone swimming once, gone to the Mall/ and Stores 3 or 4 times (and not freaked out or said she wanted to leave), ridden on a boat (last year this time she freaked out and said, 'no no no' and we had to leave.) This year, she hung on to my neck for dear life as we walked on the dock but she made it to the boat and rode around for about an hour. Afterwards, she walked off that dock on her own and like a sailor!! We are going back on the boat today. Fingers crossed. She also went to State Fair and road on the tractor train; we stayed about an hour.  It was a very hot day so we didn't try to do anything else, but she was looking at all the sights and made it through okay. Hadn't gone to the State Fair in 3 years. She agreed to go get her hair trimmed and didn't freak out (which she has done before on multiple occasions while tapering.) She has started to go on 15 to 20 minutes walks and enjoy it! And said during one walk, "I can't believe I am out here."  I think this walking every day is helping her to sleep better. She is singing like she used to sing.... which is all the time, to almost every song, in a clear and loud voice!!! She continues to watch her movies and videos longer. She is staying 'in the moment' more when she watches them. She is coming downstairs to eat breakfast every day instead of eating in her room.  She is smiling more and continuing to notice her surroundings more. She is following directions/tasks better. Her anxiety and fears seem to be less and less...although there are times it is apparent she is scared or anxious. But she is able to now tell me, "I am scared, Mommy."  

 

This all has really stated to happen in the last 2 weeks. So we are very proud of her, super happy for her and continue to believe we will see more healing!!!

 

Things for which she still struggles -   Glo still struggles with nausea in the morning on and off.  It seems to pass and she is able to eat later but a couple mornings required her to actual head to the bathroom as vomiting was imminent. She still has headaches on and off.  These can be severe at times and don't seem to last too long but when they occur she takes huge steps back in many ways.  She still is confused in her speech sometimes. Still struggles with intrusive memories as it seems she is talking about stuff that happened in the past (or she is imagining) and confuses it with the present day/time.  This is getting better but it still happens.  She also is not able to play card games and do much in the way of cognition/learning. Additionally, when Glo ovulates or the week before her period she has big waves. It almost completely sets her back in all areas.  She stops communicating during these times and gets stuck 'in her head', she cries off /on, she gets angry and is not agreeable to do much.  Even though we know it is 'that time' it is still very surprising how much she changes during these episodes. Thankfully, they always seem to pass and then she returns to a baseline that is almost even better than what she was before the PMS episode.

 

Conclusion - I held off on an update as we saw some rough times during the last 2 months.  But here we are again, seeing EVEN better improvements after those rough times.  I have to confess during the worst of times in the past 3 and 1/2 years I had myself convinced I would never get my beautiful, sweet and precious Glo back.  I have even more hope now that she may actually return to her full self....maybe...just maybe.  I don't think it will happen soon.....maybe at the one year or so mark.....but she is healing.  

 

I am so happy to share some good news with those of you who are still suffering or may be questioning whether healing is possible. I believe it is possible.

 

May healing happen for all of you soon. Warmest Regards, Glosmom

[puthappinessfirst]

I cannot explain how much you and your daughter inspire me. 

 

Keep on keepin' on! Go Glo!

<3

[carefulprayerful]

2 hours ago, Glosmom said:

And said during one walk, "I can't believe I am out here." 

 

She is singing like she used to sing.... which is all the time, to almost every song, in a clear and loud voice!!! 

 

Music 🎼 to my ears 

 

2 hours ago, Glosmom said:

Additionally, when Glo ovulates or the week before her period she has big waves. It almost completely sets her back in all areas.  She stops communicating during these times and gets stuck 'in her head', she cries off /on, she gets angry and is not agreeable to do much.  Even though we know it is 'that time' it is still very surprising how much she changes during these episodes. Thankfully, they always seem to pass and then she returns to a baseline that is almost even better than what she was before the PMS episode.

 

It so helpful to know this—thank you for sharing 

 

2 hours ago, Glosmom said:

I am so happy to share some good news with those of you who are still suffering or may be questioning whether healing is possible. I believe it is possible.

Ditto!

[Cocopuffz17]

That is awesome! More time and things will be even better. Keep it up!!!

[Glosmom]

Thank you @puthappinessfirst, @carefulprayerful and @Cocopuffz17!   Having support from this website has been so helpful.   I am keeping you in my thoughts and sending healing and positive energy your way.  Stay strong (but calm ) and know your words mean a lot to me and Glo!  Peace always, Glosmom

[Rhiannon]

Have just been reading through your thread. Your story is so inspiring. Your daughter is so lucky to have you. Thank you for taking such good care of her and for saving her from the future that psychiatry would have given her. So many times I have read stories like hers that didn't have the happy ending where someone stepped in and did what needed to be done to give the child their life back. You don't know how much it means to read this.

[Glosmom]

Thank you for your very kind words @Rhiannon!  It has been a very, very difficult time in our lives. I can't imagine how hard it is for people who have little to no support systems to go through this process. Since Gloria is mentally handicapped we have always known we will have to care for her our whole lives.  I have often thought it is probably much harder for 'normal' people to go through this process..... as people who don't understand what is going on just expect them 'to get over it.'  I know my Glo and this poison changed who she is to her core.  It was obvious to me it was the drug.  It is not so obvious to everyone else. 

 

I wish you continued healing in your journey and again, thank you so much for your support and kind words.  Warmest Regards, Glosmom

[Goosie]

So glad to hear of Glo’s improvement.    Bless you both. 

[Glosmom]

Update -  I was going to wait a bit before I updated because I wanted Glo to be in a much better place, but when @brassmonkey asked about an update on the Eve of All Hallows' Eve...you can bet I am going to give an update on Glo !!

 

It has been 8 months and 2 days since Glo jumped to zero.  As before, the last 2 months have been full of windows and waves but we all keep reminding ourselves that her overall baseline is better....even though we still have rough patches.

 

Sleep -   Glo is continuing to have stretches of good sleep interspersed with nights where she doesn't fall asleep until the early morning hours.  But as I have looked back at my notes since my 6 month post, I see that she IS sleeping more often and longer.  So on average 6 to 8 hours of sleep with about 2  to 3 nights a week at 2 to 5 hours of sleep.  So this is indication of an improving baseline!  We know this fluctuates with some nights longer and other nights shorter; and we expect more fluctuations in the future. I did note just yesterday that she took a nap....holy schmolly...that NEVER happens...so I'll take that improvement!

 

Good Things to Report

Glo continues to be more receptive to going and doing things.  She doesn't wander off when we are in stores and follows verbal cues much better. We purchased a Zoo Membership and have been to the Zoo 3 times in the last 2 weeks! She lasts about an hour each time.  She has gone out to dinner, gone to Grandma's house, we attempted the Jonas Brothers concert and she made it to our seats and listened to the first act but then was overwhelmed with the lights and sounds. So we will try another concert at another time..., she went to a Halloween party, danced off and on, and stayed for an hour before reaching the 'I gotta get out of here NOW look'.  We are going to try a basketball game this Friday with her brother. Fingers crossed. So overall, she is much more agreeable to getting out but still pretty much 'zones out' when we do these things.  Probably CNS overload, but it is an IMPROVEMENT in how often we are getting out. Glo continues to sing when she is in a good mood or not having a 'spell' and when she sings she is singing more of the words.  She is also singing newer songs...ones that we just added to her playlist in the last few months...so she is not just pulling from her long term memory. She continues to watch her shows, including new shows.  She can not handle anything dark or scary however. She is taking 1/2 hour walks with me almost every day I have her and the weather is good.  She sings on our walks to her Spotify list.  She has hugged her barn cat, simona and her dog, sorry more often.  She repeated all of the horses names in the Barn when we visited them.

 

In looking at my notes to write this update I remembered my entry for Tuesday, October 15th. I wrote,  "Best day I have seen and had with Glo in years!" Her dad also said last week before I got her back that he saw, "more and more moments of our 'old Glo'  than he has seen in a long time." So much so, he booked a trip on a cruise with her in November....oh dear...I will be praying night and day for them (those of you who pray or believe in sending positive energy...please think of Glo and her dad during November 14th through November 18th that she hangs in there and has some semblance of enjoyment :)) Thank you ahead of time for this!!

 

Things for which she (and I) still struggle:

I made an 'aside note' a couple weeks on my personal note tracking when I was struggling...and this is what I wrote...."when I got Glo on Friday the 11th from her Dad at 4pm she was really "out of it".  She stayed really out of it for a full 24 hours.  I would call this a ‘bad wave’ she was basically unresponsive, yelling, agitated, chewing, had a morning cortisol moment (which she hasn't had in a LONG time), angry, and had the return of ‘everything fears again.’ It then seemed to ease and then she returned to her baseline of sorts.  She is responding to getting dressed (lifting foot for sock and pants)  raising arms for shaving,  turning when you call her name, trying to follow directions at times (such as, hitting the middle button on the garage door opener when we go somewhere) , talking with more words when she IS ‘out of it’ so we understand what it is exactly she is experiencing in her head.  But her ‘out of it time’ seems to be more disturbing to her.  I am not sure if it is memories of painful events or if she is imagining things, sometimes she just screams/yells and hits her head.  She seems grumpy most of the time, which is not how she was a month or two ago. BUT then there are really big rays of sunshine....it is as if she "shows up" and is almost normal in recognizing things (colors, objects) and she ‘cooos’ or says 'awwww' when this happens.  So her peaks and valleys are bigger and coming more often.  I think her overall baseline is higher functioning but she still, of course, is not my Glo.  I miss her so much. I need to focus on the good parts that are showing up more often and not the bad parts that are so unsettling."

 

Also these bigger valleys/waves and more disturbing times are definitely occurring during ovulation time of her cycle and the up to 4 to 5 days before her period to 2 to 3 days after she starts.  It has to be related to hormones.... but even knowing that, it is very unsettling to see her struggle so much with this.  I have to seek reassurance from my husband and her dad during these times, because my heart so much wants her back and for all this sh#@ to just stop and go away. But then, the moments pass, the support arrives, the tears are dry and I am able to carry on....

 

Conclusion

Just gotta say me and the Hallmark Channel are best friends.  First year ever, I dropped the Halloween (sorry @brassmonkey haha) movies and went straight to the Christmas Shows!! They keep my heart happy   I have NOT lost hope even though I have struggled as Glo struggles.  I will write Glo's success story one day!

 

You are all in my thoughts and I will always send positive and loving thoughts to those of you who struggle with the healing process. Peace Always, Glosmom

 

 

[carefulprayerful]

Glosmom, 

 

Good to hear there is some real progress there!  To me Glo is a success story.  I very much look forward to reading her success story one day and to writing my own one day, too (I will relish that).  
 

I’m glad you have support around you.  Glo is so lucky to have you, and it sounds like there is some good co-parenting going on there.  
 

This is what I think about the psychiatric withdrawal symptoms: it’s my brain that’s going into dysfunction.  It’s not some foreign person’s brain with their memories.          My old hurt gets fiddled around with.  Sometimes it’s old parts of me coming back, which is a really good thing, but truth is the drugs and the withdrawal are fiddling around with my brain cells.  If Glo’s reaction to something seems exaggerated, it’s not her.  I hope that helps.  
 

Sometimes there are classic neuro-emotions that literally come out of nowhere and are related to nothing, too.  

 

Yesterday I had one of those moments when I felt normal.  I thought, “This is how a person should feel!”  I didn’t have a window like that today, but my average is improving.  I am still doing my long 60-day hold.  This is day 22. 

 

By the way I do think I need more protein!  Thank you for that suggestion.

 

Have a good Halloween!  I hope you enjoy Hallmark Channel’s stuff. 🌈 I will keep Glo in my prayers for a pleasant and smooth trip.   

 

CarefulP 
 

 

 

[brassmonkey]

Hi Glosmom-- such a nice upbeat update.  All in all it sounds like things are going pretty well and she is really improving.  I really think that the recent uptick in symptoms is a pretty normal wave and she should be pretty well over it by now.  There have been some definite improvements in her WDnormal baseline and that should continue to improve.

[Glosmom]

Thanks @carefulprayerful and @brassmonkey for your words of support.  And thank you very much @carefulprayerful for relating your thoughts on brain dysfunction. It is so helpful the hear from others, who are actually going through the process, about what is going on in their 'head' so I can understand better what Glo might be going through.

 

I am also very happy to report that the last 4 days have been some of the best days Glo has had since she jumped to zero!!  She has been calm, very responsive and appropriate the first 4 hours of the day,  noticing her surroundings more when we go out, and 4 very good nights sleep in a row.  We also had to go to the bank to cash a couple items and she started signing her name again for most of them. One of Glo's favorite activities pre-iatrogenic med events, was to go to the bank to cash her paychecks she earned with her little job at the shoe store. She hasn't gone to the bank in 3 and 1/2 years (and lost her job back then as well).  Today, she went and signed a couple checks (not from a job) before she started zoning out.  So I was very proud of her!!

 

I would be really excited if this was her new baseline (knowing she still needs to keep moving onward and upward).  In pondering @nicolantana 's normal functioning scale (1 to 100),  I would say Glo mostly was -25 while on risperidone with some good days closer to 0. Since jumping to zero, her waves could fluctuate all the way down to -50.  Her early days from jumping would make it up to 0 a lot of the times.  Her current baseline is around 10 ish I would say, and the windows I have seen in the last couple months (briefly) and the last 4 days (a lot) would put Glo on the positive side up to at least 30 to 45.  So those windows are some really good windows!!

 

My hope continues.... Blessing to all, Glosmom

 

 

[puthappinessfirst]

Music to my ears. 

❤

[nicolantana]

Hi Glossmom, I got a little kick out of my 'normal functioning scale' being used. Maybe I should patent it

It's just how I frame things for myself and people around.

 

On a serious note, I've been taking a lot of downtime this weekend in my family home. and I have read through your story from start to finish. And what an inspiring story it is.

I had tears in my eyes several times, a mixture of sad and joyful ones. Although my situation is very different, there are still a lot of similarities and aspects of your story that I can relate to.I paused throughout that story to think of how certain things affected me and about different stages of my ongoing recovery.

 

Your story is powerful. Your discipline, analysis. patience, perseverance, grace,and ability to articulate it all and share it with the community is so inspirational.

Choosing not to give into anger or self pity was a standout for me, as I have had to do. Your daughter soothing you when you were crying and when she said 'I can't believe I am out here' are real strong moments too, especially the latter as I occasionally have such moments too.

 

As much as I can relate, I can't imagine the full extent of watching your own (disabled) daughter suffer like that. Especially the insomnia and pacing, which I did not experience and sounds horrific.  Thinking of you both and hoping for your daughter's full recovery.

 

I personally am in a strange place, where I am no longer in hell, but nor am I back to myself, and it's almost like the infancy of a new stage which I'm adjusting to. But overall, it's positive.

 

Take care,

 

Nicholas

[Glosmom]

Thank you so much @nicolantana for your very kind post.  YOU brought tears to my eyes!!  Thank you for your empathy and understanding.  It has been an incredibly rough and long road for Glo and me; so I appreciate the heartfelt kindness. Very few people in my family (outside of my husband and her dad) understand how difficult this journey has been and reading your words, just felt really good.

 

I related very much to your 'normal functioning scale.' My brain sort of leans toward logic and rudimentary math, so I liked it a lot!!  And plan to use it in my updates as I go forward to describe how Glo is progressing (if you don't mind   )

 

I am wishing you continued good health in your recovery and hope that your new and strange place grows into a wonderful and joyful life!!

 

Warmest Regards, Glosmom

 

 

[nicolantana]

You're welcome! I'm glad you find comfort in the people on this site. Wishing continued progress for your daughter!

 

Nicholas

[Glosmom]

Update -  I was going to wait until 10 months for an update but I also like to update when there are good things going on....so today is the update. It has been 9 months and 12 days since Glo jumped to zero.  It has been about a month and 1/2 since my last update.  I started color coding my notes.  Green means good moments/events, yellow means things related to her menstrual cycle and dark pink are times when things go 'dark' or downhill.  I  am happy to report I have been using the color green more and more and more!!  yay!!

 

Sleep -   Glo seems to be sleeping almost every night.  Her bad nights now consist of falling asleep around 3am and sleeping until 7 or 8am.  Her sleep is disrupted by her menstrual cycle or if she experienced a high stress event in the prior day or two.  For the most part she is sleeping 7 to 8 hours on good days and 4 to 5 on bad days.  It is very rare where she is up all night....but that does still happen and probably will continue to do so off and on....but it is no longer the norm....  So overall her sleep is progressing and her insomnia is lessening. This is good news!

 

Good Things to Report

In the last 3 days there has been a lot of good things going on.  Prior to this she would only experience a  'good moment' as opposed to a 'good hour or day.'  3 fairly good days in a row is a first!!  She has been talking much more over the last month during her anxiety or anger moments so I am getting insight into what she is feeling.  Her anger moments are occurring with MUCH less frequency and they are revealing. Once recently she told me, "I hate my life, Mom." and "I don't know who Gloria is."  So yes, that is not what I want to hear but it is so wonderful she is describing her feelings!! AND these bad moments don't last as long and she is able to get through these moments and move onto better thoughts.  She is watching more and more TV and movies that are different instead of watching the same ones over and over.  She can tolerate 'scarier' subject matter (I.e., the scary people in Shrek or The Incredibles.) She is actually singing to the songs in the movies or responding to the events that are taking place. So basically her emotions are showing up.  She also has had a couple belly laughs. I have always tried to be goofy around Glo and make her laugh....and I am happy to report some of my dancing and singing is cracking her up again!! How awesome is that!!!    She did go on her cruise with her dad Mid November.  The good news is she drove 15 hours there and 15 hours back and stayed on board But the bad news is that it was too much for her CNS and her dad reported that there were very few good moments on the cruise. I warned him...but we are divorced so those warnings go in one ear and out the other   But the good news is....she went!  And when she got home, she settled back into more good moments.   She continues to be agreeable to go places. She can't stay long as it seems to be too much on her CNS but we are able to do a few more new things here and there for short moments.  She has had the best 3 days in a row that I have witnessed in 3 YEARS! Now I am not getting too excited because she is still not herself, and does continue to cycle through anger spells followed by crying spells and finally back to happier moments. But the cycle is happening less often and is cycling much quicker. She used to spend hours in anger...now it is minutes.  Overall it has been so nice to see her overall mood be much better.  She has also started reading her site word flash cards again!!  This is actually fantastic because a month ago (in another good moment) she was having an anger spell but in this anger spell she was doing a lot of verbalizing and one of the things she said out loud was, "Mom, I can't read words anymore." So the fact she relayed this to me was good AND now she is actually trying to read some of them again. I don't press her cause she will come along in her own time. She is being more affectionate with her dog, Sorry, as well. It is truly remarkable to witness some of her improvements.  

     

Things for which she still struggles:

As stated, she still is not herself.  She still has anger issues, anxiety and fears. She told me in one of her 'revelations' that she was afraid of heights.  Gloria was never afraid of heights and was a roller coaster freak. She would ride the scariest rides and loved to drop and swing.  So her revealing she was scared of heights was very good but also a sign that she has a long way to go....if she will ever get back to that care free girl. . She can't tolerate shopping or going out to eat or bowling or movies or any of those things she loved for very long periods of time. And when we are in those moments she tends to withdraw and become anxious and need to leave after 15 minutes to a half hour.  She still is not talking very much and does still spend time 'in her head" but.......... all of this seems to be getting better.   Seeing these windows and her having an overall better mood indicates that she is healing and I have no reason to believe she won't continue to improve. 

 

Overall, I just wanted to send a positive update.  I know there are many that are struggling.  I have shed many tears with Glo and have had moments where I wasn't sure how much more she (or I) could take.....but we are persevering and we have hope. I wanted to write when things were good...and not focus on the bad.

 

May all of you find as much peace, calm and healing as possible during this Christmas and Holiday Season.

Warmest Regards, Glosmom

 

 

[Cocopuffz17]

Absolutely amazing to hear! It will continue to get better! I use the mindset of 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Your daughter will continue to progress and you will see the true her again! All the best this holidays! 

[Glosmom]

Thank you for the encouragement @Cocopuffz17!   We are hopeful to continue to see brighter days!  We wish you continued healing and happiness as well!  Glosmom

[Cocopuffz17]

13 hours ago, Glosmom said:

Thank you for the encouragement @Cocopuffz17!   We are hopeful to continue to see brighter days!  We wish you continued healing and happiness as well!  Glosmom

Absolutely! All the best to you! 

[carefulprayerful]

Hi Glosmom, 

Just wanted to drop in and say how good it is to read about Glo getting more and more back to herself.  Thank you for all the wisdom & for posting when you have so much positive to share.  

I am gratefully inching along 

Happy holidays and happy new year!

CarefulP

[Glosmom]

Thank you for stopping by @carefulprayerful!!  Glad to hear you are moving along (even at an inch speed )  Keep up the good work!  I will be sure to keep posting when good things happen.  Happy New Year! glosmom

[Glosmom]

Update - "The Sun is Shining Through the Cracks." In 10 days it will be 1 year since Glo jumped to zero.  I just want to report that Glo had an amazing window yesterday.  The window to which I am referring is the one that takes your breath away as you step back and say, "Wow........there she is. There is my Glo."  She has experienced windows in the past several months but they lasted only seconds, minutes or no more than an hour.  During these windows her eyes are literally brighter, she listens to what you have to say and responds back with her own thinking or words.  She laughs appropriately and offers up true conversation (in, of course, Glo fashion.)  She completes any eating, toileting or other normal tasks up to her pre (iatrogenic medication harm almost 4 year sh!! show) standard.  And yesterday this window lasted at least 4 hours!!  

 

I kept telling my husband, "This is amazing." 

 

At the beginning of the window when she started to 'pop through' anything she said was laced with irritation.  But eventually the irritation wore off and her mood was good.  It began as we were out taking a drive, as the sun was shining so beautifully for February.  I thought it would be good for her soul, and mine, to get out a bit.  I asked her if she wanted to go into one of the stores and she said, "No, I don't want to go shopping."  That statement is not rare for her to say in her current withdrawal baseline so did not mean much really.  However, when I asked her if she wanted to go get something to eat she said she did.  When I asked her if she wanted to go get mexcian food she looked right at me so I knew I was on to something.  I asked if she wanted to go get chips and salsa and she said, "Yes. Chips and Salsa would be just fine!"  Off we went to the restaurant and by golly that girl sat in the bar (it was quieter and had high booths for privacy) with me and ate her chips and salsa and drank her water and looked at her surroundings and actually answered questions. She was not irritated, agitated, ready to bolt out the door, talking to herself, chewing her fingers...nothing.  None of that. I was so pleased that she was calm during this outing!!  <Note, Glo has been willing to go out places during withdrawal but she has never enjoyed the experience much. She rapidly shifts to agitation, irritation and all sorts of things. I just always say to myself, "her CNS is just overwhelmed with all the stimulation.">

 

Anyhoo...after we left she said she was ready to go back home.  And that is where she really began to shine.... back in the calm of her safe surroundings. I won't go into all the detail here but just to say it was a wonderful thing to see my Glo show back up!!  She is still asleep now so who knows what today will bring, but I am hopeful.  For her to have a window that lasted that long really gives me hope that 2020 will bring good things to her!!

 

If this window continues I will post more sooner rather than later. I have waited to post because she actually just went through  2-3 weeks of an awful wave where she was irritated and agitated all the time. It was actually quite defeating.....but now this.  It was worth the wait!!

 

Other than the window from yesterday this is what I have been telling friends and family when they ask how Glo is doing, "Her "good's" are getting a bit better but her "bad's" are still really bad."   Overall her withdrawal baseline has been a bit better and she has gotten through her waves faster but she is not her normal self at all.  But after yesterday afternoon, I hope to report back with even more positive updates.

 

May Healing and Peace Be With You, Glosmom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Rosetta]

Glosmom,

 

I am so happy for you!  That is wonderful.  Yes!  She is going to have her true personality again eventually.  It must be lovely for you see her in a window.

 

All my best, Rosetta

[puthappinessfirst]

The updates about Glo are the ones I look forward to the most here!

 

So happy to hear her authentic personality is shining through more each and every day. She is a warrior!

[carefulprayerful]

6 hours ago, Glosmom said:

It was worth the wait!!

@GlosmomI am so happy to read this, and I look forward to reading more!  Thank you for being here on this site sharing your daughter's story.

Best wishes for more windows, CarefulP

[Cocopuffz17]

This is great to see! Glad things are moving in a positive direction! 

[Rhiannon]

Thank you, I love the Glo updates!

[RachelSusan]

@Glosmom

 

What a great post to read.  You just made my day.  Thank you for taking your time to come back and update us.

 

Warm wishes,

Rachel

[FarmGirlWorks]

🧡 That is so wonderful to read. I am so happy for you both.

[Glosmom]

Thank you @Rosetta, @puthappinessfirst, @carefulprayerful, @Cocopuffz17, @Rhiannon, @RachelSusan, @FarmGirlWorks  for your support!  All of you, and your stories, have provided me with knowledge and inspiration to keep moving forward to help Glo "get back to normal"....whatever that is   I look forward to being able to post more good things.  

I would not have survived this ordeal if it weren't for discovering Surviving Antidepressants' website!!

 

Here's to a Warm and Sunny Spring! glosmom