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Waterfall: introduction


Waterfall

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Sigh. 

Not feeling so hot right now. 

Went and read some other people's threads, to see how you all are doing. 

Sounds like just about everyone is having a really rough time. 

So discouraging.  

Isn't anyone feeling better?  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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@Waterfall If you can do anything in the day, that is an accomplishment. For the first 7 months, I could do small things. I did manage to work 2 days a week but even those days I had to cut short. It was extremely difficult but I thought and still think, that keeping some type of a regular routine is important. 

 

I have tried to stick with eating proteins and organic and very little, or no gluten. I'm not sure what works or doesn't work. I haven't been able to see much difference in how I feel but i'm sure it is better for my body. And water, yes, lots and lots of water. I do stay away from alcohol and caffeine. 

 

I stay as busy as my body will allow. Some days and, at times during the days, the dizziness gets so severe. I haven't had a day without it, yet, but I know it will come because it has gotten better. I have heard that about the brain creating the dizziness while rebalancing. It makes sense to me. I have had odd things. For example, some times I feel like I have 2 left hands. (I am right handed). It is the weirdest feeling. Even though I am using my right hand, I can tell it isn't processing correctly in my brain. There are times I can almost feel a disconnect. Also, I can tell there is some strange things going on with my vision. While I see clearly and I don't have double vision, again, I feel a disconnect between the messages my eyes are sending to the brain and the way the brain is processing them. It's like my neurons aren't quite connecting. Which, I think is why I feel dizzy all of the time.

 

Also, I had huge body temperature problems in those early months as well. I was physically shivering all of the time. I had a lot of neurological problems as well. Severe muscle ticks all over my body and twitching. I couldn't even smile. The muscles on my face would shake so bad that I couldn't hold the happy face. All of that has gone away. The only part that remains is, very rarely, I get a muscle tick. I also had, what felt like a very tight band around my head. It created extreme fullness in my ears and pain into my jaw. I would hold heat on the sides of my head several times a day. That has also gotten much, much better. It flares up if I do too much or exercise too hard. That said, I know it I muscles tightening and it happens when my systems gets too ramped up. 

 

I use to be a runner before this journey and I ran about 20 miles a week. I have not been able to run at all. But I am able, now, to walk  briskly, about 10 to 15 miles a week and im able to lift weights 3 days a week. All of this has just been since March of 2018. So, about 9 months after I stopped the med. 

 

The progress has been ever so slow. I can't stress that enough. It is soooooo slow. Slow and easy wins the race. 

 

 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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Thanks, @mirage

Sometimes I beat myself up, because I feel bad for always being so discouraged. 

 

I really admire your attitude. 

And I think your story is also important for another reason. 

I don't know for sure, but I think many of us, have at least wondered, if this whole thing is our own fault. 

We wonder how much of this is the withdrawal, and how much of it is the anxiety and depression that

some of us have dealt with all our lives.  But it sounds, from your story, like you were healthy, happy, 

fit, and you still got plunged into this misery, by taking one of these meds, unsuspectingly.  

It helps me be certain that the anxiety, despair, and horrible symptoms I experience now, are NOT, as

some keep telling me, just because I am depressed, or struggling with normal run of the mill, anxiety. 

I have always said that this didn't feel like the anxiety and/or depression that I started with, but this 

just helps to confirm that.  

 

That being said, I am still having a terrible time.  

Like you said... soooooooo slow.  

And when you feel this rough, 

it's sooooooo hard to wait.  

 

Just now, I was struggling, because I was already feeling emotional, and teary... 

... when it I noticed that it seemed like my hand had a life of it's own. 

It's like it just couldn't stop the urge to rub my face.  

And not my left hand, I don't think, only my right.  

It's like I can't keep it below my neck, and it has to be rubbing something. 

And that's just added to the usual, tight chest, sore ribs, dry mouth and eyes, headache, 

dizziness, shakiness, unsteady feeling, and a feeling like I just can't think that well.  

 

I totally identify what you were saying about the brain disconnect.  

I've mentioned a number of times that my vision is bothering me. 

And the funny thing is, except the rare time that I have trouble focusing my eyes, 

or the times that I notice the floaters in my eyes, 

that if I concentrate on what's bothering me, it's NOT that I can't see clearly. 

It's that... it's hard to process what I'm seeing.  Like my brain hurts, trying to read. 

Not that I can't, I just have to think really, really hard to keep doing it.  

I've also begun to notice that when I type I sometimes leave out words that I 

thought that I typed.  Or I add or leave out letters in words, or replace words.  

I've already had trouble with speaking for some time, where I transpose words 

in a sentence, like I'm going to car the park, instead of park the car.  

Heh.  If only I was up to driving again.  That would be nice. 

Driving.  Walking up stairs.  Walking around much at all.  

Oh, I can't wait for some improvement.  

 

I've had a rough time before.  

But the last few months have just been awful.  

I just want to have enough energy, strength, and mental fortitude, 

to do basic tasks around the house, without feeling like I'm going to die.  

I feel like every time I push myself, that things get worse.  

And I feel like I spend all my time in my chair. 

Just trying not to think despairing thoughts all day, 

and endure the nasty symptoms. 

 

But I feel like I'm starting to sound like a whiny broken record.  

So I should stop whining, and just tough it out already.  

Thank you so much for being so encouraging, mirage.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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@WaterfallYou are not whining! You are stating your feelings and what you are going through and that is a good thing. It is healing to be able to talk about it. Keeping it in only creates more anxiety. This is the place for you to be able to do that and for you to clear your head. 

 

I was a, very healthy, active person before this journey. I was prescribed. Wellbutrin by my obgyn 8 years ago for pms symptoms. In 2017, I had completed menopause. Since the reason I was on it was because of my monthly visitor, and I no longer had that monthly friend, I decided that I no longer needed the med. So, I just stopped taking it. My obgyn never said I would need to taper. Boom...here I am! I never had anxiety or depression. Now, anxiety like crazy. 

 

I forgot to address your rocking chair thoughts. I think it is completely okay to rock with the dizziness. When mine was really bad, and even at times now when it gets rough, I find that driving and moving helps me not feel it so much. I would sometimes just get in my car and drive around to get a smidge of a break from it or I would just walk around inside my house or take a walk outside. If I move a bit, I don't feel it as much as I do when I sit still. I know that sounds a little odd but moving was better for me so your rocking makes sense to me. 

 

Try and keep in mind that these awful symptoms are your body healing itself. Some times I get waves that last for weeks and they are just as bad as it was in the beginning. But then things seem a little better after it passes. It is an odd thing. Very hard for people who aren't walking the walk to understand. 

 

I am realizing there are so many parts to our system that has to be repaired and new connections to be made. It is thousands. So it is no wonder we get symptoms that come and go and new ones that just suddenly appear. The human body is amazing and I do believe we will all heal. 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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@Waterfall a few more things, I want to mention. For months I couldn't even watch tv. Everything was scary to me. Even going into a dark room was difficult. Also, I was very sensitive to light and sound. None of this has ever effected me, never ever, until this journey. I am here to tell you, all of these symptoms have passed. 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Hi Waterfall...yay for getting some things done today!  And I say keep on rocking!!! Unless you are REAlly going 100 MPH it won't change your 

balance.  My balance is often off ... darn meds!!! And the cold is there and then sweating...never know what to wear!!!  

@Waterfalland @mirage You know...I have awakened at about 4 for so so long and I never knew why!!!  That is the Cortisol...I did not know that!  What does one do?

Hope you both sleep well!!!! 💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

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@Rabe and @Waterfall I haven't found anything that helps with the 4am wake up calls. I've tried keeping magnesium and melatonin by my bed and taking one of them when I wake up. Nothing works for me. I've just accepted it and move on and know that one day, I will be back to sleeping sound and looking forward to having to set my alarm again. Several months ago I had a few days when I slept until around 6/630 but then went back to the 4am wake ups and Monday night I slept past the cortisol wake up as well. But, not last night. The other weird thing is, I'm always waking up right after an odd dream. They are always slightly alarming. Nothing terribly scary but enough to get my anxiety up. I always doze back after the early wake up call but I go right into another odd dream and I'm never fully asleep because I can hear my husband getting ready for work. It's like I'm in a light sleep but still enough to dream. So is it the dreams causing the spike in the cortisol or the spike in the cortisol causing the dreams? 

 

I'm also wondering how much of our symptoms are from just the anxiety? Since reading so much about anxiety, it can create so many symptoms and those symptoms are real. Not made up and not in our heads. We know that it was going off the meds that have created the cns to be shocked and to fall apart. There is one symptom each and every one of us share, anxiety. I have never had anxiety in my entire life. This is very new to me and I am learning a lot about it. In my early months of this journey, I had constant, heart pounding, hard to breath panic. That has gone away and now I have an underlying feeling of anxiety. It gets worse in stressful situations, when I work out hard and when I get overly tired. The overly tired one is strange because I never feel tired or sleepy. My anxiety symptoms just get worse. Which means, I get dizzier and a smidge light headed and, occasionally a little shaky. If you read about anxiety, all of those are symptoms of that and I'm wondering if they are not necessarily symptoms from the med not being there.

 

I've recently started focusing more on overcoming the anxiety and allowing it to happen and accepting it. No matter how severe or upsetting the symptoms get. I'm rereading Claire Weeks book, Hope And Help For Your Brain and Norman Doidge book, The Brain That Changes Itself. 

 

What are your thoughts? Sending hugs and healing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

I find the single most helpful thing for me, when it comes to cortisol spikes, is to eat enough right before bed. 

Specifically, I find a significant protein snack right before bed helps me.  If I have something sugary before

bed, I am setting myself up for misery that night.  If I don't have a snack, or if I just have carbs, then it's a bit

more 50/50 on whether I'll have trouble or not.  It'll depend on how much I ate, and when.  

Two nights ago, I didn't have any snack before bed, and I woke up at 4:00 with a terrible nightmare.  Most nights

I will have a sausage, pepperoni stick (only mild ones!), hot dog, some hamburger, or chicken.  Something to 

keep my digestive system stable overnight, I guess.  I can't say that it eliminates ALL my cortisol spikes, and

there is no guarantee it will help in your case, but it does make a difference for me.  In any case, if I -don't- have

that snack before bed, I am almost guaranteeing myself a miserable night.  

 

You have some great thoughts, Mirage.  I'm going to have to think on it some.  

 

I still felt lousy yesterday afternoon, but I was pleased that, tough though it was, I managed to sit with my 

family for supper!  And at bedtime, I tried a sardine for the first time! (Thanks for the advice, @Shep they

are tastier than I would have dared dream they are!)  So those were my positives for the later part of the day. 

 

This morning, I didn't think I was going to do much.  I woke up okay, but a friend texted me first thing, before 

I was even out of bed, and set off my anxiety a bit.  My chest pain/rib pain has been really, really bad, but at

least it's not constant.  

And, well, my Mom came to help me today, so I surprised myself with all the work that we got done.  I'm a

little bit surprised that I'm still alive, and yet, here I am!  We got several more boxes unpacked, some clothes

and bedding washed, and several things sorted and organized.  There's still lots to do, like sorting through

all the stuff my kids are taking home from the last few days of school. But baby steps.  Rome wasn't built

in a day.  

Can hardly believe today is the last day of school for my kids!  Skinny dude finished with a half day yesterday, 

and the older two are having their last day today!  I'm sure they'll come home with a lot more stuff again today!

 

Right now I'm really sore.  My back, between my shoulder blades, and my left ribs are the worst.  My legs, arms, 

and shoulders are also all quite sore.  My headache, so far, isn't as bad today.  I think it was already improving 

yesterday.  That's a relief after several days.  

 

Time for lunch.  

Pleased with what I got done.  

Not so happy with how I feel, but it's not too bad for now.

I wonder what the rest of today will hold.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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Oy.  Definitely feeling lousy. 

Burping.  Crampy.  Gas.  

Sore.  Neck pain.  Trouble thinking.  

Blech.  

 

 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Interesting.  

I napped this afternoon.  

And when I got up I was pretty shaky.  

But I had to make the beds that we'd washed. 

So I go going again. 

And while I am -really- sore now, 

I'm actually less shaky. 

I think.  

Maybe not.  

I think I'm not sure what to think right now.   😜

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Kids came home from last day of school!

 

Daughter was dragging.

Said she was thirsty.  

No... hungry.

She drank half a liter of powerade.

Ate a banana.

Then complained her brain hurt,

asked to sit on my lap.

curled up, 

and fell asleep.

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall looks like you accomplished quite a bit. That is exciting. I find that I am never symptom free but things aren't always really bad. Symptoms come and go throughout the day and it can range from bad to minor. However, all symptoms are better than they were, even 3 months ago. 

 

I'm going to try the, snacking on protein before bed, to see if that helps with the cortisol. Thank you for the tip on that. 


It was so precious to hear your daughter curled up on your lap and fell asleep. What a blessing. My kids are all grown so now I get one of the cats or a dog on my lap. I love it. 

 

Wishing you good things.

 

 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Happy to hear you had a good day, Waterfall.  Thats a blessing, huh? 

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment

@mirage...thank you for info on cortisol and all.  It made me realize I am pushing too hard...did that again today...went to Y and walked and did weights and went for a walk twice...tonight I am a mess...headache, so depressed...think I feel better and then push and then feel awful again.  Hard to accept not being able do those healthy things.  I want to reach a certain number of steps each day but would do me good to change my focus.  

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment

Thinking about you Waterfall!!!

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment

@Rabe Hi Rabe. I, also, push too hard on the exercising. I sort of have this attitude that, what doesn't kill me will make me stronger, and if I can push through a workout, even though I'll feel crummier later, I still do it. I know there are so many health and mental health benefits that come from working out. My neurologist said to make sure I work out. He told me to set a pace when walking or running and see how my body reacts. If I do okay, he said to keep that pace for several weeks. If I stay pretty balanced then he said to slightly bump it up and, again, stay with that for several weeks. If my body reacts negatively, then he told me to go back to the previous workout and stick with it for longer. I do think exercise is a key factor in this healing. I think it is great that you are doing the walking and weights. 

 

One day we will be back to our normal routines and we will be healthier and we will have gained things from this journey that we never knew. I have no doubt that we will come out of this and that this journey was necessary. I don't have any answers as to why, but I think things happen for a reason. We have to be patient, live in the moment and trust in ourselves and God. 

 

 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

@mirage Yes, I did accomplish quite a bit. 

And yes, I do love it when my kids sit with me,

and it's especially precious when they fall asleep. 

I will definitely miss it, when none of them do anymore. 

It certainly has been a long time since any but my 

youngest have done that!  This was a rare thing for my

daughter, but she wasn't feeling well yesterday. 

So you're right, something to treasure.  

(Though the bigger ones get heavier too! 😉 )

 

I just wanted to point out to you, as well, Mirage, 

that if you want to know about everything that gets 

posted on my thread (I'm not saying necessarily that

you do, but IF you did) then you can click the box on

near the top of my thread, that says 'follow' or some

such thing.  For me now, it says 'following' because

by default you follow your own thread, I think, so it 

always tells you when someone posts on your thread. 

I just thought you might want to know that.  

 

@Rabe Thank you for stopping by, as always!  ❤️

I'm not sure that I would have called yesterday a better day. 

I've been thinking about it a bunch since you said that.  

I was thinking of it as a terrible day.  Mostly because I didn't

feel that great, but I pushed myself, beyond what I thought I 

could do ,which always surprises me when I do that, because

obviously I thought I couldn't do those things, and I did!  But

I felt lousy to begin with, and while sometimes I still found 

myself feeling better than I thought, I also felt, on the whole, 

pretty awful yesterday.  And then I worried that I'd overdone 

it, and how awful that was going to make me feel.  And then

I worried about how it was probably going to make me feel

worse the next day too, and all I could do was wait and see

how bad it would be.  And I was kicking myself for probably 

doing too much and hurting myself, and... 

So you see why I didn't think it was a good day.  But when 

you said it, I thought, well... I must have been feeling at least

a little bit good, or I wouldn't have been able to push myself

as much as I did.  And hey, I was still able to do it, even if it

made me feel awful.  Was it a window in a traditional sense?

No.  But it wasn't quite such a bad day as I thought at first. 

 

Last night I got ready for bed early!  Was all proud of myself. 

Had a protein snack.  Went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth. 

Took my pill.  Was all ready for bed... 

And then my husband offered me a piece of fruit.  And I didn't

say no!  Sugary before bed... uh oh.  And then I had to brush 

my teeth again.  And by the time we talked a few minutes and

ate the fruit and all that, (and had a scare about the hot water

tank leaking!) I had to go pee again too.  In the end, I did not

go to bed early.  😟

 

And it's interesting... because a few times lately, I've had a 

strange thing happen.  Usually, a cortisol spike means that

the moment I wake up, I'm feeling something.  Usually, at 

the very least, I feel tingling and/or burning in my hands and

my feet.  Usually I feel a least a little bit of anxiety or panic. 

I think I've gotten better at having less of a panic reaction 

to the initial event, so I don't panic so much just about the

fact that it's happening anymore.  

But anyway, the strange part, is that sometimes lately, when

I first wake up, I don't have any symptoms, at least not 

specifically of the cortisol spike. It's like my cortisol spike, 

is holding it's breath, waiting to see what I think about. If I

think any kind of negative thought, it goes off, just like usual, 

with an intensity somewhat dependent on how negative the

thought, and how badly I react to the fact that I have a spike

as a result.  If I don't have any negative thoughts, I can mostly

seem to avoid the spike. And the risk stays there until I have 

fully woken up, wide awake. 

Often times, whether I have negative thoughts or not, depends

on what kinds of other symptoms I am feeling. Do I wake up 

with a really sore back? Am I feeling nauseated? Do I have a

headache? Cramps? Chest pain? Sore throat? If I start to 

worry about these things, I'm likely to have a bigger spike. If

I am worrying about the events of the coming day, or the any

of the events of the previous day, then I am also likely to have

a bigger spike. If I manage to feel neutral, or even positive 

about my coming day, or about how I feel, or just think some

neutral or positive thoughts, my spike will be small, almost 

non-existent on a really good day. 

 

Well, this morning, I woke up, and I was worried about being

constipated. I have been starting to worry that being constipated

is possibly causing my rib pain. and since my rib pain has 

continued to get worse, I felt like my constipation must be

slowly becoming a bigger problem too! I began to worry that

perhaps constipation can reach a point at which is is dangerous.

Since you can't even try to go the bathroom in bed, you can't do

anything to even begin to try fix it there either. So I just laid there

worrying, and definitely caused myself a bigger spike than I 

would have had otherwise. I also wondered if the fruit I had 

before bed last night made it worse, or made it more likely.  

 

Good news?  I did manage to go #2 when I woke up!  

First time in three days now.  But on the whole, I don't feel 

to great this morning.  But again, I did manage to help out 

my kids with a small art project.  So, that's positive, in 

spite of feeling pretty rough.  

 

This morning I feel somewhat nauseated, which has 

been less of an issue lately. My headache isn't too bad 

yet. My hands and feet feel tingly and fuzzy. My arms

and legs ache. I woke up with gas, and now I am burping

as well. My neck hurts. My chest/ribs hurt. And in general

I feel discouraged and unwell. Vision is frustrating. Hard

to focus and process.  Hard to get breakfast down this

morning.  Eyes are very dry and bothering me. 

 

But trying to look at the positives.  Like the snuggles. 

And the crafting. And going to the bathroom!  That's 

actually pretty exciting!  

 

Mentioning the snuggling made me remember how 

yesterday I felt lousy, but the most disturbing part, was

how I felt like something was wrong, but I couldn't find

any way to describe in what way it felt wrong. I assessed

my symptoms, and couldn't find any that explained the 

feeling of 'wrongness'.  Now it could just be that I was 

worried, and there wasn't anything more 'wrong' than 

simply the fact that I felt there was.  If that makes any

sense. I could just have created the feeling by worrying

that I'd overdone things yesterday. I don't know.  The 

feeling was very disturbing to me. And I still don't know

what to think about it.  

 

Anyway, I noticed that mirage posted while I was writing

this, so I am going to go and read what she wrote. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Hi @mirage

That was an encouraging read, as always. 

Makes me feel a bit better about having pushed myself yesterday. 

Although, I think my body reacted negatively. 

I feel pretty rough so far today.  

Though... not as bad as i sometimes have in the past.  

So.  Hmm.  I'm still not quite sure what to think. 

 

I'm really curious about whether you managed a protein snack

last night, and if you did, what time you woke up, and how good

or bad your spike was.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall Thank you for the info on following your post. I will do that. I love that you can help me figure out how to navigate. I'm pretty good at a lot of things but electronics...not my strong suite. So any info you can share with me, is greatly appreciated. 

 

You are making progress. It is hard to see often because we still have so many symptoms and we feel pretty lousy. So we have to reach for the good things and usually, they are very small but that is how this healing is. Constant baby steps. All in all, one day those baby steps turn into strides. 

 

I have always felt, particularly yucky in the morning and early day hours, since this journey began. I have noticed that things have improved greatly but are still rough in the A.M. It's like you wake up and have to start all over again each and every day. 

 

 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

@Waterfall I wasn't able to get the protein snack in last night. I need to hit the grocery store today and pick some things up for that. Thinking some, single serving nuts. Maybe eating a boiled egg? I have to work a few hours today so after that i'm going to go buy what I need and get myself set up. 

 

In your post I read that you feel different at times but can't figure out what the different is. I have that too. It's like I feel odd, but can't quite put my finger on what it is and why. I think the brain has things healing, and other parts just aren't matching it, so our brains aren't able to connect the dots. When it happens to me, I don't quite feel bad, but I also don't feel normal. It is so weird. 

 

As far a pushing yourself, I have found that for me, it doesn't really matter. I have come to the understanding with myself that I am just going to feel crummy and I am going to have symptoms and I can sit around and think about it or I can just keep plugging along and keep doing what ever I can do. I'm not sure if pushing even makes me feel worse. I may feel just as bad if I sit and do nothing. I also have the theory to try and keep my body and brain doing as much of the things I did before this journey. Perhaps one day, my brain will start to make connections and say, "hey, I remember this", and it will help things start connecting again. 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Most annoying symptoms today? 
Rib pain. 

Neck/upper back pain

Constant need to pee

Shivering/shaking

Periodic intense hunger (I -am- eating, honest! Including snacks!)

Burping

Weird feeling in my head

Unsteady while standing

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall Looks like several things hit you today. Hope you were able to push through and get a few things in. If not, then today was a day you needed to take a break. 

 

How is the dizziness? When you feel unsteady is the dizziness causing that? 

 

My day today was a smidge more difficult. My morning wasn't awful, as it usually is, but while working I got a bit more dizziness and odd feeling in my head. I am a hairdresser so I stand most of the time and am on the move with it. Before this journey began, I worked 2, 10 hour days. Needless to say, Ive had to alter that. In the beginning I could only work a couple of hours 1 day a week. At about 6 months into this, I was able to add the second day but again, worked only a couple of hours. Now I am working 2 days and about 4-6 hours each day. This week was a little more crazy because I worked today for about 3 hours and it was the third day in a row for working. Which, is probably why i'm feeling a smidge more lousy tonight. But the good news is, everyone of my clients look beautiful!

 

 

 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Well.  

Again.  Not quite sure what to think of today. 

I was thinking about this fact, 

that I keep feeling as if today is both better, 

and worse, 

than the day before.  

How can I be that I keep feeling this way? 

I think, after processing this thought for a while, 

that it's because it's better than I the worst, that I fear, 

and it's worse, than the best, which I hope for.  

 

It's also, always different than the day before. 

So, often there is a symptom, than has improved, 

as well as something else, that feels worse. 

Today, my headache might be a bit better, 

while my back pain, is worse. 

Or I might be more stable, but more sore. 

Or less sore, but more dizzy.  

 

Maybe today I feel more able to do things, 

but I have to eat and pee every five minutes. 

(Or so it feels like some days)

Other days I'm really shaky, 

so I stay in my chair all day, where I feel better. 

 

Well, I might think the day I sat around all day, 

was better, because I didn't feel two bad, 

as long as I stayed sitting.

The day I felt well enough to walk around, 

I felt worse, because I did things,

which made me tired, and sore, and dizzy.  

 

Today, I think was a day I felt more stable. 

I got some tidying done.  Working on some laundry. 

Played with the kids on the floor for a while. 

Actually sat with them for lunch! Which is a first, for a while. 

But I was very sore all this morning.  

Sitting down, my butt muscles are sore.  

Everything is achy and shaky now.  

So, earlier, it felt like a good day.  

Now, it's feeling more like a bad one.  

Which is it?  

 

Oh, and I also had a few times earlier, 

where suddenly, out of nowhere, I would feel a 'blip out' feeling

A very short thing. 

Or maybe a feeling for a moment or two, like I was going to pass out. 

Very disturbing feeling. 

Or like I was suddenly going to run out of breath.  

Also disturbing. 

 

On the whole, I've been feeling cold the last while. 

Last night?  Out of the blue, I felt very dizzy, and suddenly VERY hot. 

I was just trying to cut my toenails.  Half way through, I almost couldn't finish. 

I was just melting.  Sweating.  And my hands were shaking. 

Just out of the blue like that. 

So frustrating.  

It faded again after a bit.  

 

But hey!  For about an hour last night, I didn't feel like I had to go pee!

It was blissful.  

Today on the whole, has been better that way too. 

It's not back to normal, but not as urgent as it was for a day or two. 

An improvement! Hooray!

 

I was also able to, sorta sleep in this morning!  

It was kinda dozing off and on, but I stayed kind of half asleep, until 8:30!!

I laid in bad after that, until nine. 

Had some very strange dreams last night, but no major nightmare.

According to my fitbit, I actually had a LOT of REM sleep last night. 

Like, two hours, of REM sleep. 

Kinda cool.  

I hope it helps!

 

Trying to figure out the new summer routine with my kids. 

I want them to spend some time outside every day.  

NOT spend all day on the computer and watching tv. 

They need to remember how to -play-. 

With toys.  With sticks and balls.  With blocks of wood. 

With nothing at all!  With each other.  Or alone.  

 

It's hard to do that when you feel so lousy all the time. 

It's hard to make sure they get fed, and don't kill themselves, or each other. 

 

This morning, I don't even know why, but I wanted to cry. 

I didn't know exactly how I felt. 

Was this a bad feeling?  Or did I feel kinda okay? 

I didn't even know. 

I'm finding it hard to read the way I feel right now. 

I just wanted to cry with all the discouragement of dealing with all this nonsense. 

Every day, day in, day out, without a break.  

 

Last night, I watched a short video, that was funny. 

I can't handle too much in the way of videos, books, or games. 

They mostly stress me out too much. 

I can't even watch Star Trek anymore.  😢

Sometimes, I can barely read.  

But this was a short, funny video. 

And I laughed. Oh, did I laugh. It made my head hurt. 

But I also found, even laughing, was almost too much. 

It almost makes me feel sick, just to laugh. 

Laughing is supposed to be good for you, 

but even that, I almost can't handle.  

That's so sad.  

I did the same thing just now. 

Watched another short funny video. 

And I laughed again.  

But I'm not sure I'd want to watch another right now. 

Even one felt like almost too much.  

So, so frustrating.  

 

Heh.  I almost type furstrating.  For some reason, that's funny too. 

I can't handle mildly amusing okay. 

It's that good belly laugh that seems too stimulating.  

*Sigh*

 

I'm searching for another game I can play to pass the time. 

I only have so many kids books that I feel like reading. 

And I can't handle any adult novels right now. Just too intense. 

I get tired of checking messages, or trying to read articles. 

You never know when you will stumble on something scary, 

when looking at seemingly unrelated, innocuous things. 

 

And I'm getting really tired of playing Slither.io over and over again. 

As fun as it can be, I kind of don't feel like playing the same thing forever. 

Though I'd totally recommend trying it, if you never have. I find it relaxing. 

 

I've done sudoku's in the past, as a way to wind down before bed. 

But I"m kind of tired of those too. 

 

Any other suggestions?  

I'm not up for learning knitting at the moment. 

Cross-stitch is fun, but killer for my poor neck and shoulders.  

I would love a new computer game, 

but I'd also love something else that's not computer to do.  

Thoughts?  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall hi waterfall. I completely understand all that you talked about. There is no consistency with this journey. I too, feel symptoms change, moment to moment, hour to hour and day to day. I never know what i'm going to get or how long it will last. Our brains are so confused. Did you ever watch the rubiks cube video? Some parts of our system is healing while others aren't and then when one thing gets fixed, another part of our system starts to heal and so on. Since we have thousands of nerves in our system, it will take quite a while for everything to be at homeostasis (balanced) again. 

 

Symptoms can be physical and emotional or both at the same time. It is a difficult journey. Keep doing what ever you can do. Each opportunity you have to accomplish something, no matter how small, is another opportunity for healing. It is making you have to use your brain. I also think so much of this is due to anxiety which is constant because our nervous system is so turned upside down right now. 

 

You are a good mom. As hard as it will be, keep those kids busy. You are right about not putting them in front of a tv or computer 24/7. The fact that you are thinking about things for them to do this summer and things for you to do, are great signs to me. You are not laying in a curled up, give up, position. It shows your strength. 

 

I do cryptograms to help keep my brain moving and I use my non-dominant hand to do things so my brain has to think and work a smidge harder. 

 

Stay strong dear friend. I am praying for you. 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Another thought I've been thinking, that I haven't yet got around to, was this:

I have noticed, @mirage how you are so positive, hopeful, and determined. 

I always seem to feel negative, discouraged, and defeated.  

I want to be more like you. 

 

I have never thought of myself as strong. 

I always thought I was weak, a wuss, less than those around me. 

I have never been terribly fit, or brave.  

I was always a worry-wort. A hypochondriac. 

I end up thinking I'm in trouble, when I'm not. 

Or that people are mad at me, or disappointed with me, when they aren't. 

 

I have been for therapy before. 

I have not seen the growth. 

But maybe it is still there.  

 

I see from what you said, that perhaps I am a bit stronger than I thought. 

Or feared.  

And if I think of some of the things I write, 

I know that sometimes I can be positive. 

Looking for the silver linings.  

 

Maybe I -am- learning?  

Whether from therapy in the past. 

Or from life experiences.  

Learning from other people. 

Or from reading and study. 

Maybe all of life has shaped me.  

And maybe I have grown more than I know. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Today's worst symptoms? 

My shoulders and neck are killing me today.  

Strange phrase if you think about it.  

But they hurt a lot. 

It sounds weird, but I feel like my shoulder pain is throwing me off balance. 

I've been burping a lot today. 

Vision has been bothering me.  

Or maybe it's just my eyes? Feeling dry? Not sure. 

Definitely seeing a lot of floaters right now. 

My chest and my throat have been tight.  

My ears hurt.

My jaw hurts. 

 

On the other hand, I don't have to pee so urgently today. 

I did go #2 this morning. Not a lot, but something. 

My mouth and lips don't feel as dry as they did for a few days. 

Still have dry lips, but I don't feel like I've just been through the Sahara. 

And right now, at least for this moment, my ribs aren't hurting me badly. 

Oh, nevermind, just got a stressful text. 

Someone I know (as a distant acquaintance), just died.  

So now my chest hurts again. 

But at least it's just sore/tight not stabbing me!

 

I want to think, hey, at least it's not me!

But it seems like so many people around me, 

have just suddenly sickened, or even died!

So many people are suffering with nasty things. 

How does one stay positive amid all this suffering, 

especially when I am suffering so much myself? 

 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Really struggling with sweating and anxiety now.  

Perhaps not helping to be thinking about suffering and death right now. 

Worrying isn't helpful. 

Wish it wasn't so hard to stop. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Wowsers.  

Total fit of shaking.  

Panic. 

My nose feels funny inside. 

This is frustrating. 

 

It's easy to say, oh it's just the thoughts I was having earlier. 

But I'm not so sure. 

It might be, because I need supper,

but I did have a sausage mid-afternoon. 

Could be that I held my pee too long, 

and so got the shakes. 

I really don't know. 

I know that right now, I'm just unhappy that I feel like this. 

And that this really sucks.  

 

I went to the bathroom. 

I walked around a bit, in spite of shaking. 

Change the laundry. 

Cleaned up a few toys. 

Couldn't hold still, I was so jittery, 

so I might as well clean up. 

So tense.

 

Oh, I wish the episodes like this would stop. 

Oh, please, let them stop someday soon. 

 

I pray that God uses this.  Somehow. 

I pray that he will make me strong. 

That he will grant healing.  

That he watches over me, and my family through this. 

That he watches over all of us, struggling through this nightmare. 

 

I want to cry. 

And then I don't. 

And then I do again. 

And then I don't. 

Tears don't fall. 

Instead, they fall lately, sometimes, when I am not sad at all. 

Like my eyes are suddenly leaking. 

Oh, this strange journey. 

The crazy nonsense. 

 

Deep breath. 

My ears hurt.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Sheesh. 

Another panic/shaking attack. 

Was sitting talking to a friend on the computer. 

Became harder to read. 

Harder to type. 

Not sure if the sweating came first, or at this point. 

But my hands started to sweat too. 

Starting getting jittery. 

Couldn't sit still anymore. 

Something felt wrong. 

Went to bathroom. 

Took my pill while I was there. 

Really restless, jittery, shaky. 

Trying to calm, and eat a snack now. 

Sweating has stopped. 

Starting to feel cold, perhaps. 

Keep running my hand through my hair.  

And typing letters backwards. 

Hiar. Intreseting. 

Grrrr.  

 

Trigger? 

Low blood sugar? 
Needing to go the bathroom? 

Overtired? 

The topic we were discussing? 

We were talking about dyslexia. 

Something I find interesting. 

Not terrifying. 

 

Hope I feel better soon. 

Hope I can sleep soon. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

I wrote this to you a while ago and realised I forgot to send it🙄. I’m sending it now: 

 

Hey Waterfall, 

 

Sorry to see you’re struggling so much. Yes, dizziness is not much fun. I’m always dizzy because of low blood pressure. It’s not unusual for it to be 80/60. I have to sit down all the time, can’t stand too long in one spot.

 

We have millions of symptoms. When you were mentioning your having to pee situation and grabbing the bucket for nausea etc etc, you were right in saying if this wasn’t so awful it would be a comedy of errors.

 

Our lives are really weird right now, they’re all over the place. Speaking of comedy of errors, I saw the most hilarious play at the theatre one day. It was called The Play That Goes Wrong. My jaw was sore from laughing, it was just so hilarious!!! Don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so funny. If it ever comes back I’m going again. It was definitely standing ovation material. A friend of mine saw it twice.

 

I needed a laugh that night, my mouth had been burning for weeks and I was worried it was going to be permanent as some people have had it for years. I didn’t realize until a lot later that it was from withdrawals. I was in tears a lot and I just kept thinking, oh no, not another health problem, as I’m already chronically ill. Now, I realize that everytime I get new symptoms it’s probably withdrawals. I don’t panic anymore, I just go with the flow.

 

I get a lot of the symptoms you get too, tingling and being cold and then hot etc etc. The list really does go on and on, doesn’t it? Even in windows you can’t 100 percent get rid of symptoms. Only once we are fully recovered will they go away fully.. While on the meds, the meds themselves can cause us symptoms, even without the withdrawals.

 

Take care, sending hugs🤗

 

 

 

 

 

Been on APs, benzos, ADs and opiates, for chronic pain. Had Akathisia in the past that made me suicidal. Still on Seroquel. 2019:➡️ March10=7.25mg ✔️ April17=7.0✔️ June5=6.75✔️ July14=6.50✔️ Aug28=6.25✔️ Oct10=6.20  ✔️ Oct21=6.0✔️ Dec16=5.80 ✔️ 2020➡️ Jan 21=5.60 ✔️ April2=5.40 ✔️ May29=5.20 ✔️ Aug14= 5.0 ✔️Sep29=4.80✔️2021➡️ Jan31=4.60 mg✔️ April24=4.40mg✔️Jul17=4.30mg ✔️ Aug 28=4.20 ✔️ Oct 11=4.15✔️Nov1=4.10 ✔️ Nov21= 4.05✔️ Dec13= 4mg ✔️2022 ➡️ Jan8=3.95✔️ Jan31=3.90✔️ March2=3.85 ✔️ April4=3.80 ✔️ June16=3.75✔️ July26=3.70✔️ Sep2=3.65✔️ Oct21=3.60 ✔️ Dec8=3.55✔️2023➡️ Jan 26=3.50✔️ March 17=3.45✔️ June12=3.40✔️ July30=3.35✔️ Sep14=3.30✔️ Oct31=3.25✔️This is NOT medical advice.Consult your doctor.

Link to comment

@Carmie

 

You did post that post before. 

It was Sunday at 11:50 PM.  

Wow, that feels like a long time ago. 

But that's okay, I don't mind being hugged twice. 

And you still said some things I am glad to be reminded of. 

Especially that last paragraph. 

Where you were worried about a symptom being permanent, 

you were worried, and in tears,

and then you realized, 'it's probably withdrawal.'

I hope I can think like that more often, soon. 

I know it.  

It's probably withdrawal. 

Just go with the flow. 

But when will I get used to this roller coaster? 

When will it sink in, that I'm okay.

That I'll get through this. 

I can handle it.  

Because, man, this is rough. 

I'd even thought I'd gotten past this panic stuff. 

I'd been doing better with that part, at least. 

But not today. 

Sigh. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Snack done. 

Calmer now. 

Time to brush teeth. 

Check kids. 

Hope I can sleep. 

Good night!

 

I hope we all have a better day tomorrow!

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus
37 minutes ago, Waterfall said:

@Carmie

 

You did post that post before. 

It was Sunday at 11:50 PM.  

Wow, that feels like a long time ago. 

But that's okay, I don't mind being hugged twice. 

And you still said some things I am glad to be reminded of. 

Especially that last paragraph. 

Where you were worried about a symptom being permanent, 

you were worried, and in tears,

and then you realized, 'it's probably withdrawal.'

I hope I can think like that more often, soon. 

I know it.  

It's probably withdrawal. 

Just go with the flow. 

But when will I get used to this roller coaster? 

When will it sink in, that I'm okay.

That I'll get through this. 

I can handle it.  

Because, man, this is rough. 

I'd even thought I'd gotten past this panic stuff. 

I'd been doing better with that part, at least. 

But not today. 

Sigh. 

 

Hi Waterfall, 

 

I just went to message you again and that same message was here in this section. I’m not sure why??  I deleted it. You don’t want the same message a third time, do you? 😂

 

Yes, a while ago when I was getting the burning mouth I thought it was permanent or at least going to be there for a long time. I’ve learnt though since then most new symptoms are just withdrawals and I have been going with the flow. I no longer stress about new symptoms. 

 

Yes, I agree with you it’s rough when in a wave. I’d love to one of these days get a rocking chair like you have. Keep rocking, it must be so soothing. 

 

Okay, sending you yet another hug🤗

Been on APs, benzos, ADs and opiates, for chronic pain. Had Akathisia in the past that made me suicidal. Still on Seroquel. 2019:➡️ March10=7.25mg ✔️ April17=7.0✔️ June5=6.75✔️ July14=6.50✔️ Aug28=6.25✔️ Oct10=6.20  ✔️ Oct21=6.0✔️ Dec16=5.80 ✔️ 2020➡️ Jan 21=5.60 ✔️ April2=5.40 ✔️ May29=5.20 ✔️ Aug14= 5.0 ✔️Sep29=4.80✔️2021➡️ Jan31=4.60 mg✔️ April24=4.40mg✔️Jul17=4.30mg ✔️ Aug 28=4.20 ✔️ Oct 11=4.15✔️Nov1=4.10 ✔️ Nov21= 4.05✔️ Dec13= 4mg ✔️2022 ➡️ Jan8=3.95✔️ Jan31=3.90✔️ March2=3.85 ✔️ April4=3.80 ✔️ June16=3.75✔️ July26=3.70✔️ Sep2=3.65✔️ Oct21=3.60 ✔️ Dec8=3.55✔️2023➡️ Jan 26=3.50✔️ March 17=3.45✔️ June12=3.40✔️ July30=3.35✔️ Sep14=3.30✔️ Oct31=3.25✔️This is NOT medical advice.Consult your doctor.

Link to comment

@Waterfall Good morning. I would guess all of your symptoms are from the withdrawal and are now a part of this journey. 

 

I hear strength in your posts. Focus on continuing to do things. Try to maintain as normal of a day as you can. Once you keep doing things, it gets easier even though the symptoms are still bad. I have found that these symptoms are there no matter. So I can sit around and focus on them or I can keep myself busy. That's not to say it is easy, because it is not. Some days are really rough but keep plugging through. Don't look into the day and don't look to the next day. Focus on each thing you do, as you do it, and talk yourself through it. One hour and one task at a time. You have this. 

 

We have a journey we are on. I refuse to call it anything but that. I am a very faithful person and, I won't ask why. I won't say, would have, could have, should have. I know we are gaining things that are necessary for us, and it is this journey that is going to give that to us. I know we are all going to come out on the other side, stronger and better. God is good and I pray several times a day and I know he is walking with us. Lean on him. 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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Hi Waterfall. I am sending you love and thoughts this morning ❤️

2001- Klonopin 0.125 mg.  2011- increase to 1 mg.  2018- increase to 1.5 mg 

2010- Trials of SSRI's, several.

2011- Saphris 5 mg. CT. 6/2017- retry Saphris 5 mg sublingual, begin taper August 2020 10% taper with scale, and final taper liquid sublingual, August 2019- taper complete!

2011- Geodon 20 mg. Begin taper Sept 2019. 10% liquid taper. 2020: December-5 mg. 2021: Jan-4.5mg. (held Feb.for vacation). March-4mg. Apr-3.6mg. May-3.2mg. June-2.8mg. (Held July for vacation). Aug-2.4mg. Sept.- 2.2mg. Oct. 2mg. Dec 2022 - Taper complete!

2011- Gabapentin 300 mg to present- 2020. Increase 2023 to 400mg.

2014- Vyvanse 20 mg, 2020- Vyvanse 5 mg. Increase August 2022 20mg

2016- Lithium 300 mg, June 2016 - FT.

2017- Cogentin 0.5 mg. June-August 2019- off Cogentin.

2021 - Hydroxyzine 30mg. Holding.

Omeprazole 20 mg and holding, Omega 3's/fish oil, Magnesium

 

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Thank you @Carmie for the hugs. And the encouragement.  It feels like this wave is going to last forever. 

Thank you @mirage for the compliments. And for the advice.  I admire your strength. 

Thank you @DMV64 for your thoughts of love, I mean, your loving thoughts, I mean... your thoughts and love. I appreciate your stopping by. 

 

This morning, I felt like I did a bit better.  

At some point, I don't remember when, (mid-afternoon?)

I started to get dizzy, and feel bad,

so I sat down for the rest of the day. 

 

Sometime late afternoon, in my chair, 

I was playing a little puzzle game, 

when one level was a little tough.

I had to move my finger back and forth quickly. 

It was a bit stressful.  And maybe, it cramped my arm. 

I'm not sure if the level itself was the primary trigger. 

Or if it was just the straw that broke the camels back. 

Playing the game otherwise, was perhaps mildly stressful. 

But I was doing okay.  

And then I was totally panicking. 

It was tough, but I think that I handled it pretty good. 

My arms were shaking, and my anxiety was definitely hitting the clouds.

But I tried to calmly redirect to something else. Relax. Let it dissipate. 

 

When my husband wanted me to join them for supper... 

I just couldn't.  It's one of the only times, where I tried.  I went there. 

But I just couldn't stay.  I was too dizzy.  Too on edge right now. 

Usually either, he pushes... and I go.  Even if it's hard.  

Or I say I can't.  And he lets it go.  

But today, he pushed.  I tried.  And I left. 

And he expressed that he didn't understand. 

Usually if I say, I can't, he'll say, no worries. It's okay.  

I want you to come, but I understand if you can't. 

Today he said, I don't understand it. 

Why is sitting here at the table, so different than in your chair?

 

I said I didn't know either, just that it is. 

But I partly know. 

I can deal with the dizzy in my chair.

I can rock. Which somehow feels better. 

Somehow moving, when you are dizzy, helps. 

Sitting in a chair that is still, is hard.  

And it's busier. More stressful.  

 

Woah. 

Big spasm? Shooting pain?  In my chest. 

That hurt.  

 

Sigh. 

Anyway.  I almost cried.  

Still super tense and anxious now. 

Feeling bummed.  

And very not feeling the best right now.  

 

I know this will be slow. 

I just wish it would go even just a little bit faster.  

Just a little.  

This is just so hard.  

 

I was warm earlier today. 

Window open. 

I am cold again.  All afternoon. 

And now too.  

Vision troubles. 

Shoulder/neck/back pain was better than the other day. 

 

Just thought about something else again. 

Sorry... maybe there should be a trigger warning here.  

I have been aware for a few days, of mysterious condolences, 

on a web page belonging to my husband's cousin. 

Apparently, her cousin died 'from depression'.  

No more details provided. 

 

And I wonder... how is it that a wuss like me is still here?  

I can only say, it is by God's grace. 

I don't know how else.  

I don't know how I have continued. 

I don't know how I will keep doing so. 

I just know, He will be faithful.  

Even if I feel panicky right now. 

I am on the verge of tears.  

Life is hard. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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