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Waterfall: introduction


Waterfall

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Well.  

I didn't manage to sit with the family for supper. 

I was anxious during the kids nightly show. 

  (We've almost run out of episodes.)

I'm anxious sitting here trying to relax with my husband.  

Sore. Tense. Dizzy.  

 

So.  Positives for today.  

Well.  Hmmm.  

There must be something.  

The big wave of nausea I had this morning, DID go away. 

The kids played fairly well.  

Had a decent enough sleep last night. 

There's got to be more... 

Read several kids chapter books today.  

Kinda enjoyed that.  

Ate reasonably well.  

Two eggs.  

Some melon. 

Salad. 

Several sausages. 

Drank plenty. 

Not sure what else today. 

Usually I'm better at coming up with -something-.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.  

I hope so. 

 

I know!

I managed to keep the window open when my husband BBQ'd. 

I was a little bit stressed by the smoke coming in the window. 

I usually open the window when he goes out. 

And then close it, when the smoke starts coming in. 

Despite being a little worried (for no good reason), 

I kept the window open the whole time today. 

Listened to the kids play outside. 

That was a nice thing today. 

 

Now, I'm sweaty. Tense. Sore. 

And trying to get to bed on the earlier side today... 

Let's see if I can manage. 

Anxiety and tension are higher than usual tonight. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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I remembered another positive from yesterday. 
Yesterday afternoon/evening, I wrote out the alphabet, and drew a few small pictures, 

both with my right hand, and my left.  For fun, and for brain exercise. 

I also did a few sudoku puzzles yesterday.  

And the kids books I read yesterday, were solve it yourself mysteries,

most of which I figured out.  

 

This morning, I only had a mild-medium cortisol spike on waking up. 

I slept pretty solid from quarter to twelve, until around 8:00!  
No intense dreams that I can recall last night.  Yay!

 

Getting up this morning, I was able to collect, sort, and start the laundry. 

I also made my daughters bed, and made a sandwich for breakfast. 

 

Then my Mom came by.  Did some more housework together. 

But I faded. Started feeling really sick.  Woozy-headed. 

Headache. Shoulders ached.  

Sat and folded some laundry. Standing and walking made me feel sick. 

Folding laundry made my arms feel like lead. 

Vision and eyes were feeling weird.  

All day so far today, my bladder hurts/burns/is irritated. 

Hope -that- goes away again soon. 

 

I'm happy about what I accomplished. Lots of positives here today. 

I find it so frustrating that I feel so sick every time I try to do something. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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Good for you in finding so many positives throughout your day despite the struggle.  I think having a positive attitude can really help make such an awful situation more manageable.  

I hope you start feeling better soon.  Maybe it’s time for you to put your feet up and take a break🙂

Zoloft 50 mg Fall 2003-October 2016

I went up to 150 mg for several months during the winter of 2016 after going through a tough time trying to stabilize.

Lexapro 5 mg and then 10 mg October 2016-December 2016

Paxil December 2016 to present.  Started at 10 mg went up to 20 mg for three weeks and started reducing by 5mg every 2 weeks per doctors orders.  Got down to 7.5 mg and ran into trouble, found this website and updosed to 10 mg.

 9mg paroxetine June 18-6.5 mg in am 2.5 mg pm.  

July 20 began switch to Citalopram-9 mg Paxil and 5 mg citalopram

July 24-7.5mg paroxetine and 7.5mg Citalopram 

July 27-5mg paroxetine and 10 citalopram 

July 30-2.5 paroxetine and 10 of Citalopram 

August 2-2mg paroxetine and 10mg Citalopram, dropped paroxetine Aug. 3

August 8 increased to 15 mg citalopram

Take 1mg lorazepam as needed and 3mg melatonin at night.

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You are so strong!  That's great that you are doing so many things to re-train your brain.  

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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@Waterfall HURRAY!!! That is all good to hear. You are doing positive things. Keep it up!

 

I am having a pretty bad wave. It started last Wednesday and it is really giving me a challenge. Today was the first day I didn't get a work out in because the dizziness is so intense. However, I am working about 4 hours. I just finished a couple of clients. I have to get through 1 more. It will take about 2 hours to get through with her and then I am done for the day. We have 30 people coming, tomorrow, for the Fourth of July so I have lots of food to prepare. Hoping and praying this wave blows over. 

 

 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

You are so strong!

 

I'm always surprised when people say this.  

I've always thought of myself as a wuss.  

A weakling among the pillars of strength around me.  

Maybe it's time to change this view... 

 

4 hours ago, Hazel said:

Good for you in finding so many positives throughout your day despite the struggle.  I think having a positive attitude can really help make such an awful situation more manageable.

 

Thanks.  I try.  I think it's important too.  

It's not always easy, but I think the more we -look- for the positives, the more we will find them!

 

4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

That's great that you are doing so many things to re-train your brain.  

 

I'm trying.  I got the right hand/left hand idea from Mirage. Same with the puzzles. 

I like puzzles and reading already, and even using them to keep my brain healthy,

but she gave me the idea to try use them more deliberately.  

 

3 hours ago, mirage said:

HURRAY!!! That is all good to hear. You are doing positive things. Keep it up!

 

Well, it's just a little bit easier, when I watch you, and others, be so positive.

When I see some of the successes that others have had.  

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a bad wave, though, Mirage. 

I really hope that you feel a bit better tomorrow. 

And if not, I hope you find the strength to get through, 

and to find the positives in what you -can- do, 

letting go of what you can't.

(Because I know how hard that can be!)

 

Myself, I was disappointed this morning, at how quickly I had to stop. 

Just last week, I'd been able to get a lot more done in one go.  

But after feeling lousy for a while, I did get going again!

I finished washing and folding ALL of my own laundry today!!

I hung up the dress shirts.  I also cleared and wiped the table. 

Wiped off the dusty freezers (we have two!)  

And then I even sat outside with the kids for a little while!!

And now, I'm surprised that I still feel as good as I do!

Would I like to feel better?  Absolutely.  

But compared to what I expected after this morning, 

I'm pleased with what I have been able to do. 

I'm still sad that just a few weeks ago, I was able to 

spend a while outside weeding a garden.  

I don't think I could do that today.  

But on the whole, a better day so far today, than I expected!

 

Extra bonus?  Despite my bladder feeling irritated this morning, 

I counted having to go 7 times yesterday... 

Today so far, I've only gone twice!  

And I'm sorry, this feels totally stupid to 'say out loud',

but I had the most normal poop I've had in a long time, today!!

It's crazy exciting to me.  So I can't help but share. 

Even if it's a weird thing to share.  

Right now, I don't really feel like I have to go to the bathroom, 

but I almost feel like I should go anyway, just because I can't

believe it's been so long... 

So weird.  

This is what 'normal' used to feel like. 

I wonder what it will be like tomorrow.  

Or even tonight.  

 

Maybe in a hour.  Or ten minutes.  Or five.  I may be down in the dumps again. 

I could be all discouraged, and wondering how to do this another day. 

But for now, for a few minutes, I feel encouraged.  

Maybe I'll have to come back and read this post later.  Or tomorrow. 

And see that I can be surprised by good things, and not just the bad ones. 

 

I hope we all have a great day tomorrow, whether we are celebrating the 

Fourth of July, as a day of America's Independence, or whether we are 

simply celebrating it as another day of life!  Happy Fourth of July, everyone!

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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WOW Waterfall!  How exciting is all that!  You are inspiring! I have heard that the right/left thing...even walking and concentrating on the R and L can help.  I wonder if ambidextrous people do well. :)

Gosh I do hope your 4th is a good one with your family!!!💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

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@mirageI am sorry to hear about your wave ... right before the holiday.  I have been hit with one as well...thought it was one...and then a tsunami hit today.  Have been in bed most of the day.  I will be thinking about your Mirage ... that your wave recedes and allows a window to be opened. 

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

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@Rabe Thank you. This wave started last Wednesday and it has been a tough one. I have managed to still do a few things but it seems to be getting rougher. I went out Friday night with my husband and a few friends. I made it through dinner but then had to leave. I did work for 4 hours today. I had 3 clients. I am a hairdresser so standing for that length of time can get challenging. This morning was so bad I thought I was going to have to cancel everyone. But, sometimes being busy, even though I feel just awful and so dizzy, actually can help me. I just have to give myself a really good pep talk to get through it. All of my clients are so amazing and such a blessing. If I ever have to cancel them, they are very understanding and loving. I thank God always for the beautiful women he has brought into my life. 

 

We never know how long these waves will last but I tell myself during each one, that it is healing and my brain and nervous system trying to get back into balance and homeostasis. Also, one of these days, we will all have the last wave and a forever window will open.

 

I'm so sorry you are in one as well. It is so hard. Try not to let your mind go to anything but healing. Just keep telling yourself that...healing, healing, healing. Envision yourself as a well, outgoing busy person. We will make it through this. 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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Had another intense dream last night. 

Woke up at 5:11 and then went back to sleep again, to dream some more. 

Had a pretty good day.  

Sat outside with the kids most of the day.  

Had lunch outside.  

Yesterday just walking down to the deck was hard. 

Today it was easier.  

I even cleaned up all the toys afterwards, 

and then had a quick shower (which wasn't so easy). 

Wasn't feeling the best anymore, so sat in my chair. 

Felt like maybe I should eat, so I had a snack of tostitos, and peanuts. 

 

Just when I finished my snack, I licked the salt off my fingers. 

Well, I ended up thinking about electrolytes, and suddenly worried about salt throwing it off, 

and now even though I'm not -really- worried about my electrolytes, 

it seems like my anxiety has just gone and dived off the deep end. 

Waiting for it to come back to earth again.  

 

When you feel this way, the mind, it wanders... 

Was it the chips I ate?  Are the peanuts bothering me? Is it actually the salt? 
Was it just the thought I had?  How long will it last?  Am I really okay?  
I think I'm okay.  It'll be okay soon.  I hope.  Maybe it won't!?  I'm sure it will... 

And this thought process goes a mile a minute!  Back and forth.  

I'm fine.  No, I'm not.  Yes, I probably am.  But what if I'm not?  Maybe I should

do something!  But maybe I shouldn't. Maybe the best thing is to sit and wait. 

But maybe... 

Aaaah!!!

I just want to feel normal. 

And calm.  

 

Sigh. 

 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

When I came in, I was also worried about how much I drank today. 

So I drank a bunch. 

I'd gone  to the bathroom when I got up this morning,

and then not again until I came in and took a shower, mid-afternoon. 

I was thrilled.  That's how it used to be like... 

Now it feels like I have to go right away again.  Urgently!  

Was it the salt?  The drinking?  The anxiety?  

Maybe I used to just not drink enough?  And this is actually better? 

Oh, to have answers to everything.  😜

I worry too much. 

 

On an up note, my teeth are still sore, but not nearly as bad as they were. 

But now my tongue has been sore too.  

And my fingertips have been really sore the last day or two, or three.  

So have my legs and especially my right leg and knee.

I think that maybe my dizziness and headache have been a tiny bit better. 

Shoulders have definitely been a tiny bit better.  

Anxiety has been both better and worse, in turns.  

Sometimes I've been able to walk around a bit more.  Sometimes.. not so much. 

Ups, and downs all around.

 

We spent all morning out, and then all the kids had showers, since they were filthy dirty. 

Running around in bare feet and digging in the rocks and dirt will do that.  

All that fresh air, and my youngest fell asleep in the chair watching tv.  He looks so cute asleep.  😍

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

AWWWW...you know what Waterfall...in spite of your feelings and symptoms it sounds like you none the less had a nice day....I just feel so proud of everyone here that is able to do that....it is monumental to overcome it all and still find the beauty.  You are a trooper!!!! 💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

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What a nice day for the kids, Waterfall.  

 

Hydration in is very important for this mess, I think!  The more I have to use the bathroom the better.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

Link to comment

Hoping some of your symptoms were better today, Waterfall!!!  Thinking about you!!!

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment
On 7/4/2018 at 6:05 PM, Rabe said:

AWWWW...you know what Waterfall...in spite of your feelings and symptoms it sounds like you none the less had a nice day....I just feel so proud of everyone here that is able to do that....it is monumental to overcome it all and still find the beauty.  You are a trooper!!!! 💜

 

Thanks, Rabe.  You made me smile.  💜

I hope that you feel better today.  

 

@Rosetta  Thanks for stopping by! 

I'm so glad that you've been doing better lately. 

Try not to get too stressed about next week. 

Take each day as it comes.  

 

Yesterday, I got up feeling like I wasn't going to be able to do anything. 

Then I did a bunch of stuff.  Surprised myself.  Felt not too great, or too bad.  

Then around 2:00, I started feeling really rough. Pushed myself a bit more, 

but basically felt tense, anxious, and kinda sick for the rest of the day. 

Almost unbearable for a while in the afternoon, but I did sit with the family 

for supper yesterday!  Had lunch at the table with all the kids, by myself even!

So, on the whole, not a terribly bad day.  

 

Had a decent sleep last night.  

Again, not feeling too bad today.  Or too good.  

I have done a few things, and they were hard, but not unbearable. 

 

I notice that @mirage mentioned a fullness in the ears.  

I think that's similar to a feeling I've tried to describe before. 

I get it when I exert myself.  It feels to me like someone is pushing my eardrums in. 

Or like there is.. pressure in my ears, I guess.  Whatever it is, it's uncomfortable. Painful. 

I get that, and other symptoms, like shoulder pain, head weirdness, etc, 

whenever I exert myself. So I tend to want not to push myself. 

The more I push, the worse I feel.  The more I relax, in general, the better I feel. 

Though, I do find that sitting around doing nothing for too long, will also make me feel lousy. 

I think exercise is important. I'm just not sure how much my body can handle right now. 

And how much pushing myself actually slows down my healing, instead of helping it. 

I just don't know. 

 

All my kids are outside right now. I feel like I should join them. 

But I'm already starting to feel rough, and I don't want to push myself and feel worse. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall You are doing so well. Just a few weeks ago you weren't able to sit for supper and now, look, you are rarely not being able to sit with the family. That is so great!

 

I understand about pushing yourself and feeling worse. I experience that and I appreciate what you say about sitting and doing nothing and feeing crummy. It is a balance we all have to figure out. However, I think if there are things to be done and you can do it, go for it. The feeling of accomplishments and moving around is good for the brain. 

 

Yes, I get this full feeling in my ears and at times, it does hurt a smidge. It gets that way when I exercise or if I am overly anxious. So I know it is tension related. I actually have a tightness in my jaw and that radiates into the ears. I never had this before. It came on with the journey and i'm sure it will go when I am balanced. 

 

So many symptoms. They come and they go. They get milder and then worse. Isn't it going to be so awesome when all of us are healed and we get to share the amazing feelings of that?! We will also get to say remember when...

 

 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment
3 hours ago, mirage said:

So many symptoms. They come and they go. They get milder and then worse. Isn't it going to be so awesome when all of us are healed and we get to share the amazing feelings of that?! We will also get to say remember when...

 

Ah, yes.  Come and go.  Better and worse.  So frustrating. 

Oh, won't it be nice, that day, someday, when we get to say 'remember when..." 

I like that idea.  

 

Today, I was doing okay.  Not great.  But okay enough, that I thought, hey, if it's like this, I can handle this... 

Did a bit of housework.  Went outside and sat by the kids for a bit in the sun.  Came in and had lunch with them. 

Walked around in the house for a little bit. 

Then I was feeling a little bit rough, so I sat for a bit.  

 

Was playing some dinky games. 

Then I was playing one that was a bit more stressful. 

Felt my stress rising, so I closed that game and did something else. 

Felt like I had to go pee, so I got up. 

Well.  Suddenly splitting headache. 

Chest pain/rib pain (which hasn't bothered me as much lately)

My legs are shaking.  Heart pounding. 

Teeth suddenly hurt worse again.  (They've been fluctuating, better and worse, and back again). 

Vision trouble.  Back pain.  Neck pain.  

Not fun.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment
6 hours ago, mirage said:

You are doing so well. Just a few weeks ago you weren't able to sit for supper and now, look, you are rarely not being able to sit with the family. That is so great!

 

Thank you again, for noticing things that I don't.  

I said to my husband again, that sometimes I feel hopeful, because I think I feel better. 

Other times I feel like I feel much worse than I ever have.  It's all those feelings. 

And I never know when I can trust them, or not.  

 

Even when you say that, I'm like... are you sure?  I thought I'd missed most meals lately. 

I'm going to miss supper again tonight, I think.  

My headache was better.  But then my teeth started to hurt really badly. 

Just when I thought they'd been getting better.  Then my headache worsened. 

And then my teeth got even worse.  

For now, it seems like my teeth feel better in the morning. And worse in the evening. 

Just generally speaking.  I never know what to expect for sure.  

 

Lately my knees and legs have been hurting a lot too. 

Though it seems that after a bad spell, that my shoulders have improved a little.  

And so has my back, and my neck, at least somewhat.  

The trembling and shaking and muscle spasms improved. 

At the same time, the dizziness and strange head feelings worsened. 

The eye ticks that have come and gone, have come again.  Both eyes now. 

 

I have been busier for a few days, with a few bits where I felt a bit better, 

so I guess I shouldn't be surprised if I have bits where I feel worse too.  

 

My husband is suggesting that maybe the tooth pain should be looked at by a dentist. 

I can't even begin to express the terror and misery that suggests to me.  

I really hope that it feels better again soon, and such ideas are put to rest.  

What a stressful thought!  Trying not to think about it... 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall you may want to get the tooth looked at. I know that will be nerve racking but may be a good idea. 

 

Do what you can, when you can and rest when you need to. I am hearing improvement in your posts. I know you aren't noticing them much. I don't notice mine until things are better for months. I think that is because the healing is so very, VERY slight and slow. 

 

Hang in there. Hugs!

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Hi Waterfall....do you grind your teeth do you know?  I do at night and have a bite plate and it makes all the difference with my tooth pain.  They do have plastic ones at stores that you could try, to see if it helps, before you would have one made at the dentist.  You do sound better...it is hard to recognize our own progress isn't it?  I find it so hard, especially when days or parts of days are not so good...I just forget the good time!! HUGS!!

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment

I am stopping by to say hello and to see how you are feeling today. Been thinking of you. Today I feel hopeful. I have to remember to note the hopeful feeling days.

-D

2001- Klonopin 0.125 mg.  2011- increase to 1 mg.  2018- increase to 1.5 mg 

2010- Trials of SSRI's, several.

2011- Saphris 5 mg. CT. 6/2017- retry Saphris 5 mg sublingual, begin taper August 2020 10% taper with scale, and final taper liquid sublingual, August 2019- taper complete!

2011- Geodon 20 mg. Begin taper Sept 2019. 10% liquid taper. 2020: December-5 mg. 2021: Jan-4.5mg. (held Feb.for vacation). March-4mg. Apr-3.6mg. May-3.2mg. June-2.8mg. (Held July for vacation). Aug-2.4mg. Sept.- 2.2mg. Oct. 2mg. Dec 2022 - Taper complete!

2011- Gabapentin 300 mg to present- 2020. Increase 2023 to 400mg.

2014- Vyvanse 20 mg, 2020- Vyvanse 5 mg. Increase August 2022 20mg

2016- Lithium 300 mg, June 2016 - FT.

2017- Cogentin 0.5 mg. June-August 2019- off Cogentin.

2021 - Hydroxyzine 30mg. Holding.

Omeprazole 20 mg and holding, Omega 3's/fish oil, Magnesium

 

Link to comment

@DMV64 Thank you for stopping by. I am doing okay. In the middle of a pretty good wave that started last Wednesday but I am still quite functioning. Planning on running a few errands today and meeting a couple of friends for dinner. We are having a beautiful weather day so i'm hoping to be able to sit outside while we eat. Even though I have this dizziness, i'll push through it. I think it is better for our healing if we can keep some normalcy and socialization. I've realized it doesn't matter what I do or think, the anxiety is there and is automatic. So I just go with it. Prayers to you and hoping you are doing well. 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Whew.  

Rough day today. 

Should probably expect that after a few busy days. 

Intense dream again last night. No panic, or significant cortisol spike. 

Woke up with headache.  

Spent whole day so far in my chair. 

Teeth so far feeling better.  A bit achy, but not too bad. 

Wave of warmth/burning down my back yesterday aft and this morning.  

Today wave of anxiety right now.  '

Back, shoulders, and left arm ache badly. 

Left arm really bothering me. 

Short of breath. Heart pounding.  

Jittery.  

Don't feel like moving. 

 

Good news?  Pooped today!!!  Yay!  

Played a game for a little while, but stress was rising sharply, so I had to stop.  

Reading a book now, but even that is hard.  Waiting for anxiety to go down.  

Hopefully soon. 

 

I really dislike how hard these 'episodes' are. 

I wish I wouldn't get so discouraged each time. 

Roll with the punches a little better.  

Anyway, today is an especially hard day so far.  

Maybe it will get better.  

 

I hope everyone else is having a better day today. 

 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Chest/rib pain is back with a vengeance. 

Even the feeling of my shirt on my chest bothers me at the moment. 

Really weird feeling.  Not pain, just like... my shirt is too heavy.  Just in that spot. 

Weird sensations in my ears. My nose.  

Really high nervous/anxious feelings today.  

 

Ooh, another symptom!

A strange itchy inside me/pokey type feeling.  

Right in the middle below my breastbone. 

Had the same feeling briefly yesterday, on then it was on my left side. 

 

I just stood up right now, because my pants were slipping. 

Felt like my chest was bound tightly for a moment. 

Stole my breath away.  

Heart was pounding. 

 

Blah.  

Can't wait until -this- day is over.  

Having a hard time finding much to be positive about today. 

 

I know!

I'm healing. 

Even in the pain, healing is always happening. 

Good reminder. 

Oh, so hard. 

But good reminder!

 

Also did some puzzles today. 

Puzzles are good for the brain.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment
11 hours ago, DMV64 said:

I am stopping by to say hello and to see how you are feeling today. Been thinking of you. Today I feel hopeful. I have to remember to note the hopeful feeling days.

 

Thank you for stopping by, and for thinking of me.  

I'm glad to hear you are feeling hopeful today! 

I agree, it's important to note such things. 

It helps us to get through the not so hopeful times. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall Healing is happening. I am in the middle of a really tough wave. The dizziness is over the top. Ugh!!!! Managed to plug along today and made a couple of returns to the mall and met a friend for dinner. Had to leave the restaurant and go home because the dizziness just overcame me. I'm back home and in my jammies. Praying that since this wave is so bad, that a lot of healing is going on and when it finally passes, i'll see great progress. 

 

Hang in there waterfall. You are doing really well. Sending hugs!

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Wish I could roll with things better as well Waterfall...the rollercoaster is such a challenge isn't it?  But you are doing so well...your humor, your sharing, your honesty, your getting out, caring for your kids, working on the house...I admire your tenacity!!!  Take care!💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

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Today was rough. 

Hopefully tomorrow better.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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Woke up this morning fighting back a feeling of despair.  

Super discouraged about how awful I felt yesterday. 

Worried about how I would feel today.  

 

BUT.  I did get up and get the kids ready for church. 

And I managed a shower.  It was hard.  But I did it.  

So far... not too bad.  

 

Trying to stay positive for the day.   Trying. 

Not always succeeding.  But trying.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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@Waterfall You are doing great. Despite how you woke up feeling, you have already accomplished some important things. It is okay to have some down feelings. This is a rough journey but you are succeeding. 

 

Sending hugs and prayers. 

 

 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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Thinking of you.  You made me laugh when you said "Good news? Pooped today!!! Yea!"

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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Today is definitely better than yesterday.  

I'm so glad. 

Not that it's as good as the couple days before that. 

But I watched both church services today. 

Though I fell asleep at the beginning of the second,

I did wake up again, and hear the whole sermon. 

 

I also had a weird feeling today, where I was singing, 

and suddenly it felt like it wasn't me singing.  

Or I didn't have control over it.  Or something.  

I was singing. And it was me doing it.  

But somehow it felt really weird.  

 

I managed to sit with the family at lunch. 

Just barely.  It was really tough.  But I managed.  

And I took a nap after second service today.  

 

But my exteneed family is off to park again today. 

Last time they went, for Mother's Day, I headed out late, 

but I actually did pretty well that time.  Shaky at first, 

but felt better after a while, and enjoyed myself.  

Since then, even smaller trips out have knocked me out for a few days each time. 

I was knocked back yesterday, and I hadn't even made a trip out!

 

I can't help feeling sometimes like I keep on loosing more and more. 

And that soon I won't be able to do anything.  

It's a scary feeling.  

 

I thought when I 'crashed' it was supposed to be a sudden event, 

and that, while slow, it would very, very gradually improve, 

in a waves and windows pattern.  

I feel more like I'm slowly, by windows and waves, 

descending into an ever deepening pit.  

From which I will never again emerge.  

 

I try to remind myself why I believe this will get better. 

But I still wait for a day when the evidence will prove what I believe, to be true. 

 

The thing I am most glad for, right this minute, 

is that the darkest times, don't stay that dark.  

I may not feel very good right now, but at least it's not as bad as yesterday.  

Not much better, maybe... but that tiny bit makes today feel a tiny bit more manageable. 

 

I just wish I could keep from getting discouraged so easily. 

Thanks everyone for trying so hard to encourage me.  

 

Oh!  That's right!  I was going to say to @DMV64 that I like the idea of daily grats. 

I presume that's a practice of daily gratitude.  I think it's great that you are doing that. 

Sorry to hear that your trip out this morning didn't go so well.  

I can't wait for the day when I can go out again... 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Oops.  I forgot, I was going to add, that I wish I wasn't so easily discouraged. 

I wish I could change that about myself right now.  

 

I also wish I wasn't such a perfectionist.  

I want to draw.  Do art.  

But besides the fact that my arm and hand cramp easily, 

I just never feel like what I do is good enough. 

Other people do so much nicer stuff.  

And it stops me from enjoying the process, 

of just doing.  

I know it's dumb.  I just don't know how to get around it.  

 

One of these days, I have to just... do it.  

 

I even have a nice sketchbook here.  

And I don't want to put anything in it. 

Because it won't be very good. 

When I think about drawing right now, 

I think about drawing on a loose paper, 

despite having the sketch book right here,

because I don't want to ruin the book.  

 

I also can't think of what to draw....

Or if I should just draw, or should I colour?  

I'm not very good at making decisions either.  

Blah.  

 

Going to have to make my own 'grats' list tonight. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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@Waterfall I love the idea of a gratitude journal. You have things that can for sure go into it.

 

I totally understand what you were saying about you singing but not feeling like it was coming from you. I describe it like having an out of body experience. It is such a hard thing to explain. I'm realizing my brain can only do one thing at a time right now and I really have to take it slow and focus on that one thing.

 

God bless dear friend.

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Oh, that sucked.  

 

Okay, already having a rough day. 

My lower legs hurt so bad today. 

Head feels so strange.  

Helping my daughter dress her doll was too stressful today!

Like, how stupid is that!?  

 

And then my sister-in-law comes. 

She's being so helpful. 

She took my oldest berry picking. 

She's willing to take all my kids over to play. 

She's being wonderful and understanding. 

I try to explain what it's like... 

She tries to understand.  

Oh, cause you know, did I know she struggles too? 

She's on antidepressants.  It's worked wonders for her. 

Have I tried Zoloft?  It's great. 

Solved all her issues. 

She felt like herself again.  

Used to be sleeping 2 hours a day. 

Now she feels fine.  Great even!

 

It makes me doubt myself, hearing these stories. 

My hands are cramping, typing this.  Extra frustrating. 

I'm crying.  I'm tense.  I feel worse than I already did. 

And all she's trying to do is help. 

 

Am I wrong?  

Am I really so wrong?  

I never really noticed a benefit to antidepressants. 

I only feel like they've made things worse. 

But maybe I'm wrong.  

I almost wish that I was.  

But I don't think so. 

 

And still.  

I feel like I just keeping getting worse.  

Will I ever be able to go out again?  

Will I be a housebound hermit for the rest of my life!?  

Cramped, stooped, sick, and miserable.  

 

AAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!

 

Okay.  

Calm down now.  

 

What else can I possibly do? 

I'm trying to make sure I do something every day. 

But trying not to do too much, because it only seems to set things back. 

I just spent two days doing almost nothing.  

I can't do much less without being bedridden.  

 

I'm trying to drink lots.  

Eat well.  

Mild exercise.  

Staying calm.  Not ruminating.  At least most of the time. 

 

I'm just so, so discouraged.  

*Tears*

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Ha.  

Well. 

Apparently getting upset, 

means you go poop. 

Who knew?  

Maybe it's a one time bonus. 

At least feeling this awful had a side benefit for once. 

I'll let you know how excited I am when I stop shaking. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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