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Waterfall: introduction


Waterfall

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Waterfall, you will get well and your poor sister in law might get sick someday because of Zoloft.  I used to think Celexa saved my life.  Now I know that all I needed was a life that was not so full of stress and problems and too few people who cared or understood.  Celexa covered up how I felt, but my life never actually became less stressful.  In fact, it became more stressful and the drug covered up my reaction to it.  Maybe that was a good thing at the time, but now that my life isn't very stressful -- objectively -- all the stress comes from within.  And I can't get away from it because it's caused by a system that's been wrecked by those damn drugs!!  Once I'm through this I am going to cherish every minute I feel normal reactions to life!!

 

You are going through a hard time and it will end.  I thought it would get slowly better and better, but I think that sometimes the waves come on gradually and they worsen and worsen until we are at that bottom and then they get better.  That seems to be what happened to me these past few months.  It's also tough because we can't see that we are climbing out when that is what is happening. We can only see it in retrospect.  The fact that you went out recently and did well even though you feel that you paid for it later -- that signifies progress.  I think you are climbing out, Waterfall.  I'm sorry it's so slow.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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@Rosetta

Thanks.  I needed that.  

I was actually already buoyed up a bit, because I was reading

another post of yours, on someone else's thread. 

What a nice coincidence. 

 

I think I have to let go of the idea that the road ahead

has any predictable pattern. 

It's allowed to get worse, and better, and better, and worse, 

and not feel like it's making any sense. 

And I can still be healing, in spite of it. 

 

I am not doomed to a life of misery, for NOT wanting to 

take any more drugs. 

I think the only time drugs made me feel better, was when

they toned down the withdrawal that I felt from the first drug

I took, which didn't really do anything.   

 

And I think today... is going to be Tears Day.  

It's like everything is making me cry today. 

 

I declare today, to be the official Day of the Tear!  

Take that, crappy feelings!  

 

Now if only I felt as positive as I sound.  

THAT would be something... 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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This helped me: Just because you can't imagine the future you wish for yourself does not mean it won't happen!

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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@Waterfall @Rosetta I'm so sorry waterfall. Rosetta, you always say such great things to help. You have a blessing with words. 

 

It is so hard to see any progress. I actually can tell from 6 month ago that I am better but I can never see it week to week or month to month. I have to look far back to see the improvement. That explains why this road traveled is so long. Also, each wave is hard. Symptoms are so magnified. When I get a window, I still have symptoms but I notice I, mentally feel lighter and stronger and I only see that after the window passes. 

 

You are progressing Waterfall. Keep taking it hour to hour and one day at a time. 

 

Here are a few of my favorite affirmations:

What seems to us as bitter trials, are often blessings in disguise.

 

There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn.

 

Do not let your past rob your future. Each new day is a chance to make a new beginning. Count your blessings. Live with gratitude and love with all of your heart.

 

Once you discover that you can, then you must and it is not easy. You have to make direct steps. You really have to count your blessings and you have to make a decided effort to not get seduced by the blues. 

 

The last one is my favorite. Hugs and prayers to you both. 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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Thanks, guys.  

Today is a crazy hard day.  

Kids are gone, so I want to try take a nap. 

But not sure I can relax that much.  

 

On the good news front, 

Tooth pain was pretty much gone for a couple days!

Bad news?  It's coming back right now. 

And so is everything else, it seems. 

Pee issue wasn't bothering me much for a few days. 

Well, just now, I suddenly had to run to the bathroom, shaking.  

 

Today my back was burning, then my lip, then my foot was tingling. 

All of me feels kinda hot and fuzzy.  Sweating off and on.  

Anxiety is unusually high.  Limbs have been feeling heavy. 

Yesterday it was arms.  Today it's more my lower legs.  

Hands have been tight and sore. 

Chest/rib/abdominal pain stabs me off and on. 

Last night in bed, falling asleep, a part of my abdomen felt... thick? 

And hurt if I applied any pressure to it.  Just a patch.  So weird. 

It went away again.  

 

Today I cried a bunch.  Usually crying make me feel better.  

Not today.  Today it just made me feel tense.  And sick.  And anxious.  

 

I can't seem to handle much today.  Little articles, or games, or stories, or videos, 

that I normally use to distract are pretty much all too much to handle today.  Bummer.  

 

Earlier today I was thinking:

It is the wave that never ends, 

It just goes on and on, my friends.
Sometimes it, tingles, then it burns, 
And then it's dizziness.
You never know what's coming next, 
until it does, and then...
It is the wave that never ends, 
It just goes on and on, my friends... 

I have songs pounding through my head a lot, can you tell? 
Although, until just now, my head was strangely quiet for a bit... 

And the song that popped into my head just now was:

Look on the sunny side!
Always on the sunny side!
Look on the sunny side of life!
It will lighten all your ways, 
It will brighten all you days, 

If you look on the sunny side of life!

Well.  Looking on the sunny side is a little harder lately. 

But I refuse to stop trying.  

 

Oooh.  Shoulders burning again.  
But I suppose, if I think about it, that's better than hurting.  

You can only recognize that, if you don't let the burning scare you.  

 

So. I think I may have shared it before, but for the moment, I'll 

leave off with a poem that I wrote for my kids: (It has a tune, 

but since I made it up, unlike the other two, there's no way you

could know it!) 

 

There are lots of reasons to be happy. 
There are lots of reasons to be sad. 
I'll see what I can do today, 

To choose to be glad.    

 

 

Here's hoping this day improves!  

If not... maybe tomorrow!  

Maybe not likely, but ONE of these days is going to be a better one!

Eventually... 

Sigh

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Did I mention that today is a crazy hard day?  

Crazy hard.  

Awful. Nasty. 

Blech.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

I was just sitting here, thinking about my sister-in-law, 

and wondering -again- why it is, that so many of us all 

over the world, are struggling so much with anxiety and 

depression. 

A sudden thought struck me... 

I wonder how many cases of postpartum depression, 

are because the mom had some kind of drugs during

delivery?  

I don't have the answer to that.  Only the question. 

Now, of course, that doesn't affect guys.  

But how many other meds do we have these days?

Dry hands?  Because you shouldn't be eating dairy?  

Well, how about some steroids?  Not working for you? 

How about stronger steroids? 

Have an itch?  An owie?  

A stomach ache?  The runs?  A runny nose?  

Take this. Or this. Or that.  How about some antibiotics

with that?  

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of this stuff is harmless. 

And some of it saves lives.  

But maybe some of it, is throwing our systems out of balance.

Of course, I'm just guessing.  Speculating.  Wondering. 

Not proposing an answer, so much as, like I said, a question. 

At the very least, it sounds plausible.  

Something to ponder.  

 

I just ate some blueberries.  Even though I don't like them. 

And you know what?  I actually... kinda liked them. 

They certainly weren't as bad as I remembered them being.  😜

 

Today has been pretty rough. 

My skin went bonkers with burning earlier.  

Burning, and some tingling.  

It's a bit better now, but only slightly. 

My anxiety went nuts as well. 

 

But some positives too. 

While my tooth pain re-emerged a little, it didn't get very bad at all. 

I did manage to take a nap.  Even if I don't feel much better, I'm sure that it's a good thing. 

I'm still alive!  

And kickin'!  

 

Wanted to share a few things other things I like.  
We'll see if I can figure out how... 

This video I find inspiring, about the power of the brain to change. 

Nothing to do with anxiety or depression specifically.  But I think it's worth the watch.  

I had no idea it was going to make such a big box, so I share the other thoughts I had 

in another post.  

 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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@Waterfall WOW!!! I loved the video. It says a lot about the brain. I am so glad you posted it. I just showed it to my husband and I think we can get our brains thinking another way and, perhaps, that can help in our recovery. 

 

I have been writing for about an hour every night, with my left hand. I have a book of affirmations and I just write and rewrite them in a notebook. I started doing this about a week ago. I have been using my left hand to brush my teeth and to do other, more simple things that I would use my, right, dominant hand, to do. It has been several months of me doing that. I need to journal about it to see if it helps with my symptoms and helps in the recovery. Who knows. It certainly cant hurt. 

 

Blessings to you dear friend. 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

@mirage

I thought you would probably like that one.  

 

And I was just thinking... 

His backwards bike meant unlearning how to ride a normal bike. 

But on the other hand, learning to write with your 'wrong' hand, 

I presume doesn't mean you can't write with your 'right' hand 

anymore.  So you are adding function, not just changing it. 

Just an interesting thought.  No idea how that affects things. 

 

In a way, it's similar to people who have brain damage, and 

loose a skill of some kind, and later relearn how do that skill,

but using a different part of the brain, that's not damaged.  

Our brains are pretty amazing!  

 

If only we'd known the damage we were doing.  

 

I know I probably sound a little better now than I did earlier today.  

I feel a bit better.  But still pretty lousy.  Probably won't be sitting 

with the family again tonight.  

 

I can still be glad that I'm doing better than earlier!  

 

I'm curious what kind of affirmations that you write, Mirage.  

I remember last time that I got sick with, what I didn't know at 

the time, was probably withdrawal, I wrote a single page of my 

own personal affirmations. I wonder where that page went. For

a long time, before I moved a few years ago, I had it hanging on

my bathroom wall.  

 

And how about that... my eyes are leaking again.  Strange thing, 

that.  It's kinda like crying, but not. I often get it when I wake up

in the morning, but apparently my body decided it was time to

do it again now.  

 

Which reminds me!  I haven't noticed much in the way of cortisol

spikes lately, which I think is great!  Other things may have gotten

worse, but apparently not everything!  Who knows what my brain

is doing in there... 

 

I just wish the reprogramming wasn't so miserable.  

 

Which reminded me of something else!  

Two things I read today, made me feel a bit better about my 

current experiences.  One was a post by someone who had a 

four year delay between stopping their AD and their WD. That

made me worry less about exactly how my WD story came 

about, and when it started and so on.  My story doesn't have

to fit the 'typical' or 'average' story, to make sense.  

 

The other one, was a post by someone who said that for the

first 8 months, their symptoms worsened, and worsened, 

before they started getting better.  This post, freed me from 

my own self conceived idea, that I need to see improvement

-now- for this journey to make sense, or for my healing to be 

likely, or whatever else I was pinning my hopes on. I can keep

feeling worse for months still, and it doesn't mean that I'm 

doing it wrong, or that I won't heal, or anything else like that. 

It helped me to be more accepting, and less stressed about

the whole thing.  Which is good. 

I still hope that I will see improvement soon.  But it helps me

not get so discouraged if and when I don't.  I'm not the only

one.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall Yes, I did love that post. It also shows us how long it takes for the adult brain to learn new things. It took him 8 months to learn to ride that backwards bike. That said, we have so many parts to our system that has to be re-regulated so if it took him 8 months, its helps explain the years for recovery here. 

 

 I have a couple of books on affirmations and Daily scripture. I have had them forever and I read a page from them each and every morning. I ask God what it is he needs me to know today to help get me through the day and to help in my recovery and then I read. It gives me a positive and inspirational start and my anxiety is usually pretty ramped up in the morning so I look to God first thing. 

 

Our brains are amazing and we will get through this. We will not be this way forever. 

 

Hugs

 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Strange thing happened to me at suppertime. 

Drank some juice... same kind I drink every day. 

My high fiber juice. 

Well.  It did something weird in my mouth. 

It felt and tasted very strange.  

I don't think it was the juice. 

It was me, somehow.  

Very, very strange.  

Having a hard time getting up courage

to try drinking again.  

 

But guess what!?  

I saw with the family at the table!!

I didn't expect to be able to today. 

☺️

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Well.  I did drink that juice again later. 

And it tasted just fine.  

 

Went to bed earlier than usual last night. 

Had trouble falling asleep.  Took a while. 

Fell asleep shortly after 11.  Woke up at 6:30. 

Mild-medium cortisol spike w/burning skin. 

Managed to doze off again for a while.  

 

Had a brief moment before bed last night, 

where I felt more stable on my feet than usual. 

Also, although I woke up with a headache, 

I felt more stable than usual this morning.  

 

Kept fairly busy this morning with housework, 

and with my kids and their chores and play.  

 

Now I feel pretty awful again.  Bad headache. 

Eyes hurt. Teeth hurt mildly. Back/neck hurts. 

Shoulders hurt. Breast bone hurts. Chest hurts. 

Short of breath. Ribs hurt badly.  Chest tight.

Legs hurt, especially lower legs.  Pressure in 

and behind my ears.  

 

I did just manage to sit with the kids for lunch, 

but only after my husband prepared it.  And

when I stood up from the table, my right knee

hurt so bad, and I almost couldn't straighten it. 

 

I also had another suddenly odd feeling/taste 

in my mouth, immediately after I was done eating. 

I didn't even have anything in my mouth at the 

time.  It was almost a metallic taste this time. 

Last night it was more like a sudden acidic feeling. 

Strange new thing.  

 

Oh, this crazy life.  

 

I'm so thankful for all that my Mom does to help, 

but the pressure to get more done is sometimes 

hard, even if I totally understand why the work 

needs to be done, and I -want- to do it, it's so hard

to accomplish anything feelings like this.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall You are engaging in things with your family and that is important. It is such a blessing to have you mom to help. It has to be very hard traveling this journey with little ones. Mine are all grown and I find it hard. That said, you are a champion. Keep going. You are doing it!

 

Big hugs!

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Im so sorry you are feeling discouraged.  As to doubting...I do that as well.  There are so many things i would so differently if I had the last 2 years back.  But I dont and I have to believe there is a reason for that ... well dont HAVE to but would like to.  

Im hoping this brings you to a better place in time, Waterfall.  You are so special!!!💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment

I think my most persistent doubt, 

is that it's actually something else. 

Something serious.  

I think it's going to be hard to shake

that permanently, until things start

getting better.  

Every time I think that -this- time, I've

shaken it for good... it comes back 

again.  

But unless something else momentus

happens, I think I have enough reason 

to keep crawling through each day, 

until one of them shows up that's a 

little easier.  And then another one.  

Until one day, I'm not dwelling on it all

the time.  

 

Right now people around me are really

starting to ask a lot of questions.  I really

don't know what to tell them.  

I wish I could just say that it was a stroke

or something. But too many people would

know that it wasn't true.  And I don't know

how to explain the truth to them.  I've tried

with the people closest to me.  Except my 

husband, no one understands. 

So far, my parents have been patient, but

sometimes I think they are loosing patience. 

To them, this is regular, run of the mill, 

depression.  And anxiety.  And I just need to

push through, toughen up, and get over it. 

With, or without more meds.  Today my Dad

told me that he's disappointed that I'm not

doing more, and that I really need to get out

more.  Yeah.  I wish I could.  Oh, do I ever. 

 

I managed to sit for supper again today. 

But boy, it was hard.  Had an unexpected

meeting tonight, which was harder than I 

liked, but easier than some similar events 

have been.  Standing up afterwards... I 

almost couldn't. My knee was hurting very

badly. Almost not cooperating. And my 

balance was suddenly very poor. 

 

Have had a very bad headache all day.

Very unstable to walk around at the moment. 

Teeth only mildly sore. Legs very sore.  

Especially the back of my right leg. Worst

at the back of the knee.  

 

So can't wait to feel better.  

My sister was telling me about taking her

kids to swimming and basketball. Others 

have asked about my summer plans, while

they travel out of province, or go camping. 

Yeah. I call it a good day if I make it out onto

the deck. Never mind actually leaving to go, 

well, anywhere else. Not the park. The store. 

Church. Just walking over to the neighbours

yard recently sent me into a bad wave. Just

standing outside yesterday talking to the 

neighbour for a few minutes, and then my

sister-in-law sent me through one of my 

worst afternoons ever.  So frustrating!

And no one understands why you aren't

doing... stuff!  You look fine!  What's the

problem!? 

 

Who knew my dreams would go from, 

nice house with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, 

and a cat (figuratively speaking, of course, 

since I already have 4 lovely children), to

just wishing I could walk across the room

without feeling 'wrong'. Or making it through

a day, without feeling like I'm dying.   

Oh, to be back at the level I used to think was rough. 

Ha.  

 

I wonder what the future holds. 

What I may yet be able to do.  

Or not.  

 

Who knows?  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall This is so VERY hard. You are right when people look at you and say, "you look fine". Your entire system has been disheveled and turned upside down/inside out. I never had depression or anxiety prior to this journey. I was a very healthy 53 year old, 115 lbs worked out every day. Was very active. I worked 3, 10 hour days a week and had an active social life and traveled out of state/country, at least 6 times a year. There is no way to just, go on and to, pretend like none of these symptoms are here and no way to ignore them. If we could, we all would and there would be no need for this site.

 

Tell people you had a virus hit your system and you have no idea when things will be back to normal. They don't need the details. By constantly having to talk about it causes the anxiety to rocket even higher and that causes the other symptoms to increase. A virus can attack any part of the body and they can take a long time to work their way out. That is all people need to know. 

 

Hang in there you will get better. I find that I don't see results from month to month. I have to look back 6 months to a year to see improvement and that improvement isn't huge but it is better. They symptoms that seem to hang on are the worst and strongest ones. 

 

Prayers and hugs

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Waterfall,

 

Do you think your dosage is consistent?  Your husband uses the scale, correct? You are taking 1/4 of a pill that has 0.25 mg of C?  I'm not saying that you should be stable at this point.  Not at all.  At one year off a CT of citalopram it seems normal to be feeling awful.  However, maybe if there is some variation in your dose of C that would be making things worse.  It's something to consider.  Maybe ask Shep if the way you are taking the C could be different?

 

We can't go on any trips either.  I can't do it.  Someday.  For now, Waterfall, it's enough that you are with your children every day.  That is more than enough.  You are up, you are in your chair, you fix food for them, etc.  They need consistency.  They are with the same people everyday, in the same house, etc.. That keeps you and them as stable as possible.  So many kids do not have that.  Your parents may be frustrated, but they will not stop helping you and the grandchildren.  This is an inconvenience, but it's not your fault.  Always remember that.  You have been injured by modern medicine and you are coping as best you can.  

 

Someday all of this stability and consistent care is going to pay off big!  You will be well and you will all go on vacation.  Your children will always love you and they won't care that they were not on vacation this Summer.  They won't even remember.  They will simply have a sense that you were always there.  That is more than enough and more than a lot of kids have.  No worries.  You are doing fine.

 

-Rosetta

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

Link to comment

Hi Waterfall,

 

I have gone through the mental torment of clonazapam withdrawals after a negligent doctor told me to cold turkey 0.5mg. All hell broke loose and i havnt been myself since. I'm currently in the throes of Lexapro withdrawal and I too have people disbelieving me that I'm suffering intensely again and when i tell them I havnt been right for 4 years they look at me as if I'm making it up or want attention. To them i appear healthy and fit but its all a charade i have to put on for my kids so they can at least have a normal happy life. It's been so bloody hard and such a long time! I don't know when my tortured journey with psych meds will ever end especially since ive also get off the Lamictal at some point. 

 

I really feel for you so much Waterfall because this hell youre going through is robbing you of precious happy moments with your kids but like Rosetta said as long as they no mummy is there thats what they'll remember the most. It's school holidays here in OZ and ive got too much fear to even take them to the movies and I feel like such a failure as a mum. Even just going to the local shops before to pick up a birthday card for my daughters friend was intense as i had unrelenting irritability mixed in with intrusive thoughts. But we will get through this and we will live the joyous life with our kids once again! 

 

I was wondering because you are going through Celexa withdrawals since June last year maybe your nervous system is too unstable right now to cope with the Clonazapam tapering. I had to wait around 3 years before my nervous system felt healed enough to taper Lexapro after CT Clonazapam.  Would you consider holding your dose for a while?

 

Hoping today has shown some improvement for you.

 

Hope

May 2014 - July 2015 0.5 Clonazapam (cold turkey off)

October 2014 - November 2014 took Beta Blocker Propranolol (fast taper off)

December 2014 - began 2.5mg Lexapro worked up to 30mg Lexapro over 3 months

December 2014 - 2 mg Valium started sometimes took up to 6 mg Valium

April 2015 - started 25mg Lamictal worked up to 100mg Lamictal

April 2015  - began taper 4mg Valium. Stopped Valium 

July 2015 - stopped crumb of 2mg Valium

September 2017 began taper 30mg Lexapro.

February 2018 last dose Lexapro 1.25mg

October 2020 - Began 10% taper of Lamictal Dec 2019. was going ok until tapered from 45mg - 40mg. 

September 2023 - on the 13th of September 2023 I took my last dose of Lamictal 0.1mg. Finally psych med free!!

 

Link to comment

Hi Waterfall,

I want you to know I feel you are a MOST special mom, wife, friend, and being....if the world had more like you it would be a much kinder, understanding, patient, place to be.  I include all of you here!  Souls of such beauty born of sos much pain!

I found the Clonazepam to be something I NEVer expected after years of taking it.  Many the symptoms you write about I do feel are related to it.

@Rosetta Rosetta has a good suggestion re a stable dose...checking to be sure it is would be a good thing.  I was cutting pills and found it to be so upending.  When I went to the compounded capsules and got on a stable does it made such a HUGE difference!  Yes, having the dose off even by a little can make such a big difference!  

And @Hopetobefree you have a great point as well...holding.  I have been holding on the Clonazepam since the rapid Sept taper and it has helped a lot.  I think if I weren't dealing with the Viibryd I would be in better shape.  Considering a hold for awhile Waterfall...how do you feel bout that?  Cant hurt...if no change you can always go back to what you are doing.

Im sorry you dont have more support...I know that is hard, especially when it comes to those closest to you.  But, in spite of everything, you shine Waterfall...it comes through in your posts...you are honest and strong and caring and funny....you are so so special!  This will get better!!! 💜 

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment

Hey all. 

Thanks for all the posts.  

I have read, and reread them. And read them again. 

 

Thanks @Hopetobefree for stopping by my thread. 

And thanks for what you shared as well. 

Knowing what others go through, and have gone through, 

always helps me to be more resilient and patient with my own experiences. 

 

@mirage 

I so can't wait for a time when I can look back and see some improvement. 

I will believe it will happen, because you, and others, tell me it will be so.  

I think that it's important to have hope that this will happen, or I don't know how much hard it would be to keep going.  

 

@Rosetta  and Hopetobefree

I'm pretty sure that I'm being accurate with my dose at this point. 

And to be clear, I'm not doing any tapering right now.  Haven't considering lowering anything since the new year. 

I was cutting my dose for the first few months, when I thought maybe I should try be more accurate. 

So I got a scale at the beginning of May.  

First we just measured the pieces.  

Then we upgraded to putting the pieces in a capsule.  

After that, we tried to mix it with magnesium in the capsule. 

And finally, we settled on crushing it, mixing it with brown rice flour 

(which was an idea I got from @Rabe's signature) and measuring it 

into the capsules.  

Honestly, I don't know exactly how my husband measures and 

makes my capsules. But I trust that he's making it as accurate as he 

can. He read the info that Shep sent me on how to measure, he ordered

the scale, and the capsules.  He knows that it's important to be accurate. 

Also, I've been working on taking my pills at the same time every day. 

I used to take it once when I got up, and when I went to bed, both of 

which varied. 

I now take it as close as I can to 10am, and 10pm.  I transitioned to that

slowly over time.  I can't say I always get it right on time, but I try. And I

rarely deviate by more than an hour, at least.  

And I seriously have no plans to change anything anymore, until I am

sure that I am stable, or see some decent improvement for quite a while.

I'm planning at this point to hold for perhaps another 6 months, and then

assess again.  

 

The last few days cortisol spikes have returned.  

I've felt a bit better for parts of days, but other parts, I feel so unable to 

function. It's like I have 'episodes' that last from perhaps one hour, to a

whole day, where I can barely stand, sit at the table, or think straight. 

Other times, I can almost walk around normally, for short periods, at least. 

These 'episodes' as they feel like to me, feel absolutely awful. They feel

so... strange.  Even quite scary.  Some episodes are worse than others. 

More, or less, anxiety. More, or less function left to me.  

 

This past night I woke up at 4:00. Had some very strange feelings, like

the feeling that my upper arms were floating.  Or that every time I rolled

over, I could still feel the 'imprint' of the bed where I had laid on it before, 

on the side I rotated away from the bed.  So weird.  Felt like it took forever

to fall back asleep.  

 

Almost seems like either I wake up feeling lousy, and it lasts all day, or I wake

up feeling a bit better in the morning, and it varies in how long it lasts before I 

feel lousy, and I'm basically out for the rest of the day after that.  

 

Varying levels of headache. Weakness and soreness in my limbs. Heavy limbs. 

Brain fog.  Dizziness.  Strange or non-existent hunger signals. Not sure if I should

eat, or not eat. 

 

Time to try help the little boys with something. 

We'll see how my body reacts when I stand -this- time.  😜

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Oh.  Forgot the good news!  

Pooped today!! Booyah!!

And I sat outside for a while.  

Sitting at lunch was -really- hard. 

But I did it. 

Sat for BOTH lunch and supper yesterday!

(Crazy how hard it is, though!)

We'll see if I make supper today. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall You are really doing well. You will heal. WE will all heal. Everything I read says it is all a matter of time and patience. 

 

We are being challenged right now. I don't know why. I just know that we all have to be strong and support each other. Through this difficult time, we are all gaining new friendships and that is really wonderful.

 

Hug and prayers

 

p.s.

Congrats on your poop!

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

I think I had a window!!!

 

Yesterday was a great day. 

Not because it wasn't hard, 

but it was the best day I can remember in a long time. 

I got up, and had a shower. 

And it wasn't as hard as usual. 

Then I went up and down the stairs a few times. 

And it wasn't as hard as usual. 

 

And then my brother took me out 'for coffee'. 

And we went blackberry picking!

And we walked along the bushes. 

And it wasn't as hard as usual. 

And there was a kitten in the bushes!!

And we rescued it. 

And even though my knees were shaking, 

when we were at the pet rescue. 

It wasn't as hard as usual. 

 

And I went home again. 

And folded my laundry, 

fresh out of the dryer, 

while it was still warm!!

 

I sat with the kids at lunch. 

I sat outside on the deck, 

while the kids played down in the grass. 

I even went up and down the stairs a few more times. 

 

Even though I started to feel lousier as the day went on, 

I still managed not to crash. 

I sat with the family yet for supper. 

And then my husband and I went up and played cards

with my parents after the kid were in bed.  

It wasn't -nearly- as hard as last time. 

Though I started to get a bit dizzy towards the end. 

 

And after that I still came down again and spent time

with my husband, before we finally went to bed.  

By bedtime I was starting to feel rough. 

But on the whole I had an AMAZING day.  

 

Not because I felt amazing, but because I did all those

things, and didn't feel horrible!  

I even went poop!  And it was pretty normal.  

 

The worst part was probably that I didn't get to bed, 

and to sleep, until almost 1:00 in the morning. 

 

I woke up around 8:00, from an oppressive dream, 

where I was trying really hard to get a bunch of stuff done. 

When I woke up this morning, my arms feel so sore and heavy. 

And despite the fact that it was 8:00, I got up, went pee, 

and crawled back in bed, and tossed and turned and slept

until almost 10:00! 

 

I was in shock.  10:00!?  Woah. And when I finally got up, 

my arms felt a bit better, but the backs of my legs really hurt. 

And my face felt warm and strangely prickly.  

Haven't done much of anything yet today.  

Teetering back and forth between being totally thrilled about yesterday, 

and being bummed that it's followed by today.  

 

I've had some pretty high moments (relatively speaking) lately, 

and some pretty low lows too.  Some of the worst, it feels like. 

What a seesawing, rollercoastering (cause that's a word now!) crazy life!  

 

Whatever else, I'm grateful for yesterday. 

I've always said, you see one window, you'll see another. 

And if you see another, there will be more. 

And if there is more, they will get more frequent. 

And longer.  Until all we see is window.  

 

Well.  I had baby windows.  And now I had the best window yet!

There's hope!  

 

My Mom has been saying most of the week that she thinks that I've

been doing better this week.  Sometimes I see it, sometimes I don't, 

but it's nice to hear that.  

 

Now to make it through today, and tomorrow, and the day after... 

Until the next window comes!!!  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall I have tears of joy for you!!!! This is so wonderful!!!!

 

I can hear the excitement and joy in your writing and you did a lot yesterday. That is a pretty full day for a person not struggling with all of these symptoms. Each time you do things it will give you more and more security and good feelings. Those are both good for the brain. 

 

You are in my prayers daily. Big hugs!

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

That wonderful Waterfall, 

 

It makes me so happy to hear that. Windows show we will eventually heal, Sending hugs🤗

Been on APs, benzos, ADs and opiates, for chronic pain. Had Akathisia in the past that made me suicidal. Still on Seroquel. 2019:➡️ March10=7.25mg ✔️ April17=7.0✔️ June5=6.75✔️ July14=6.50✔️ Aug28=6.25✔️ Oct10=6.20  ✔️ Oct21=6.0✔️ Dec16=5.80 ✔️ 2020➡️ Jan 21=5.60 ✔️ April2=5.40 ✔️ May29=5.20 ✔️ Aug14= 5.0 ✔️Sep29=4.80✔️2021➡️ Jan31=4.60 mg✔️ April24=4.40mg✔️Jul17=4.30mg ✔️ Aug 28=4.20 ✔️ Oct 11=4.15✔️Nov1=4.10 ✔️ Nov21= 4.05✔️ Dec13= 4mg ✔️2022 ➡️ Jan8=3.95✔️ Jan31=3.90✔️ March2=3.85 ✔️ April4=3.80 ✔️ June16=3.75✔️ July26=3.70✔️ Sep2=3.65✔️ Oct21=3.60 ✔️ Dec8=3.55✔️2023➡️ Jan 26=3.50✔️ March 17=3.45✔️ June12=3.40✔️ July30=3.35✔️ Sep14=3.30✔️ Oct31=3.25✔️This is NOT medical advice.Consult your doctor.

Link to comment

Yea!!!!  So pleased to read this!

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

Link to comment

Thanks @mirage @Carmie and @Rosetta

If you thought that post sounded positive, 

you should have heard me just after I got 

home from rescuing that kitten!

I was totally on a high.  

My family got tired of hearing 'the cat rescue story'. 

 

So yeah, Saturday I did basically nothing. 

There was a night last week that I had the most awful headache. 

Went to bed, and in the morning it was gone. 

Saturday afternoon the tooth pain flared up again. 

Slept for an hour. Tooth pain persisted into halfway through Sunday. 

 

Now Sunday. 

I did wake up with the tooth pain still.  

But... I went to church in the morning!!!

A number of people were glad to see me. 

Of course, some of them also thought, oh, this 

means that you are all better now.  

Uh... no.  

I went home, had lunch with my family, 

fell asleep during the second service (watched from home)

and stayed in my chair the rest of the day, 

feeling strangely tense, and just... wrong. 

 

But in spite of that, I did also have supper with the family. 

And I was really impressed how well my morning both

before and during, and even after church, went. 

Some parts were harder than I hoped, of course. 

And in that way, I was a little surprised by them, 

considering how well I was doing otherwise. 

But on the whole, I was really quite surprised how well

it all went.  I was even able to stand around afterwards

for a little while and talk to people.  

 

Symptoms all gone?  

Yeah, not likely. 

My eyes still tick a lot right now. 

Struggled with nausea several times yesterday. 

Teeth pains, headaches, aches, shakes, spasms. 

Had a lot of crazy dreams lately. 

Cortisol spikes are up.  

 

But right now, the teeth pain is much better. 

And for now, I don't have a headache. 

The aches are at a lower level. 

And I've walked around some this morning. 

So far, I'm doing well for the day after going out. 

All good things.  

 

Which reminds me... sounds pounding through my head

is definitely back most of the time.  

So now I'm thinking:

All good gifts, cometh from the LORD, 

Cometh from the LORD God, day by day. 

All good gifts, cometh from the LORD, 

Cometh from the LORD God, day by day!

 

But I suppose that's better than:

I searched the world over, 

and thought I found true love, 

Somethin', somethin', somethin', 

And pbth, she was gone!  

 

It's really annoying when you have a song stuck, 

and you can't remember the words.  

Just one line, or a few lines, and the rest just goes, 

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmmm hmm. 

Or da da da, dum, daaaa!  

Or even worse, 
Da, da, da da pumpkin, da hmm, hmm la bumpkin, 
La da, da da pickles, da da sending me home!  
Those kinda of songs (this last one I made up)
but those kinds of songs I do NOT need stuck in my head. 

And unfortunately, it happens all to often.  

 

So how's everyone else doing? 
Time to go visit a few other threads me thinks.  

Didn't even get a reply from @Rabe after my great day!
I hope she, and the rest of you, are all doing okay.  

Even better, I wish you were all doing GREAT, but 

we'll take it one step at a time... 😜

 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall you are giving me a good laugh with your song post. I agree about the Lord Giveth song. He does give and we have to be ready to accept. 

 

I am so glad you had a good day yesterday. You are really pushing through the symptoms and you are strong. That is what is needed to get us through this journey. You are an inspiration. Keep healing dear friend. 

 

Prayers and hugs

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Oh dear. 

What started as a decent day, isn't so much. 

I did okay this morning. 

But this afternoon, I just lost the last two hours without even realizing. 

Not feeling able to function right now, but my kids need lunch. : ( 

Haven't even finished my own lunch. 

 

This may all be my own fault. 

I caved and ate a piece of cake earlier. 

Otherwise, it may just be fluke. 

I gave in and ate a piece of cake yesterday too. 

To be fair, I can't remember if there was a specific effect.. or not. 

I just don't know.  

 

Anyway. Head feels funny. 

Left side of my neck, jaw, and teeth hurt again.  

Tense. Anxiety high. Not thinking well. 

Eyes and lips have felt really dry today. 

Eyes also feel sore. 

 

Always so frustrating to feel worse after feeling better. 

 

I was thinking about what Mirage said, 

about toughing through the symptoms. 

Friday and Sunday, I guess I did tough through a little, 

but both of those days, I actually felt a bit more normal too. 

First thing this morning, I felt more normal, 

but I certainly don't now. 

I couldn't 'tough' though much of anything right now. 

No matter how badly I wanted to. 

Other times, I can handle more.  

Not sure why it swings back and forth this way.  

Very frustrating sometimes. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Probably also didn't help that I was reading someone's story, 

and came across a bit about a horrible, out of the blue, medical emergency. 

Didn't need that.  

 

So weird that my tooth pain was totally gone, and now it's hurting so bad again. 

I can't remember if I ever actually said so, but no, I don't grind. 

Only once, have I caught myself clenching my teeth, and that was while ago. 

So whatever is happening, is for some other reason.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment
3 hours ago, mirage said:

you are giving me a good laugh with your song post.

 

☺️ I like making people laugh

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Sorry, when I'm feeling lousy, I post a lot. 

Still reading someone else's story, and came to a spot where they were trying not to worry. 

 

Was just thinking that I wish I could go back to regular ol' worry. 

It all these physical symptoms that get me down.  

I just barely managed to answer the door just now. 

Blah.  

 

The good times were encouraging. 

The bad times, are still somewhat discouraging. 

That I can still feel THIS bad, after feeling so much better, if briefly.  

 

Buck up, girl.  

Find something to be cheerful about... 

The things I can do. 

The things I do enjoy. 

The things I have accomplished!

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall I think you had a window over the weekend and now, you are possibly in a wave? I have never had a window free of symptoms but during them, it is easier to tough it out. Then a wave rolls in and you feel just as bad as ever. Its when that wave rolls in that I, then realize, I had a window. Hope I am making some sense. 

 

You are doing really well. Tough it out when  you can and rest when you need to. 

 

big hugs

 

 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Hi Waterfall....SOOOOOOOO happy to read about your window...what a gorgeous view!!!  It is hard when they close...and sometimes so quickly...or least seems that way.  I was having a lovely day but these past few have been pretty awful...hoping tomorrow is better.

I am thinking about you the kitty, and your songs! :) 💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment

Hi, Waterfall, I know how hard it is to have a window close.  Thinking of you. -R

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Waterfall, 

 

Dont be sorry that you post a lot when not doing well. Journaling is extremely good, it gets your thoughts out of your brain n into print. You can also use a personal journal just for yourself as well. 

 

Sending you hugs🤗

Been on APs, benzos, ADs and opiates, for chronic pain. Had Akathisia in the past that made me suicidal. Still on Seroquel. 2019:➡️ March10=7.25mg ✔️ April17=7.0✔️ June5=6.75✔️ July14=6.50✔️ Aug28=6.25✔️ Oct10=6.20  ✔️ Oct21=6.0✔️ Dec16=5.80 ✔️ 2020➡️ Jan 21=5.60 ✔️ April2=5.40 ✔️ May29=5.20 ✔️ Aug14= 5.0 ✔️Sep29=4.80✔️2021➡️ Jan31=4.60 mg✔️ April24=4.40mg✔️Jul17=4.30mg ✔️ Aug 28=4.20 ✔️ Oct 11=4.15✔️Nov1=4.10 ✔️ Nov21= 4.05✔️ Dec13= 4mg ✔️2022 ➡️ Jan8=3.95✔️ Jan31=3.90✔️ March2=3.85 ✔️ April4=3.80 ✔️ June16=3.75✔️ July26=3.70✔️ Sep2=3.65✔️ Oct21=3.60 ✔️ Dec8=3.55✔️2023➡️ Jan 26=3.50✔️ March 17=3.45✔️ June12=3.40✔️ July30=3.35✔️ Sep14=3.30✔️ Oct31=3.25✔️This is NOT medical advice.Consult your doctor.

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