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Waterfall

Waterfall: Introduction

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Waterfall

Woke up feeling pretty rough this morning. 

Didn't get to sleep until midnight. 

Which was better than the almost 1:00 of yesterday. 

But I woke up with a bad cortisol spike, just before 7. 

Instead of the mild cortisol spike and 8 of yesterday. 

 

One of the first things I noticed, is that my mouth is burning today. 

Yesterday my teeth starting hurting more again, 

so perhaps I shouldn't be surprised. 

But it's still really uncomfortable and annoying.  

 

I pushed myself to get some stuff done,

because.... 

today my parents come home. 

After being on holidays for a few weeks. 

 

But now I feel pretty lousy. 

I'm sure part of it is just stress over their returning.. 

Part of it is just... being in withdrawal. 

Part of it is how hard I pushed myself. 

 

Which was way harder than I probably should have. 

There is so much I want to do before they get here. 

So much I wish I had already done while they were gone. 

 

I've always felt like a disappointment. 

My current condition isn't helping things.  

 

Which has led me to rethink what's going on. 

Again. 

Wondering if I'm really going to recover. 

Or if I really understand what's going on. 

Not helpful. 

 

Wish me well today. 

It's going to be a rough one. 

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mirage

@WaterfallHang in there. Sounds like you are doing a lot. Try and remember all of the things you are getting done. 

 

You are in my prayers friend. 

 

Big hugs

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Waterfall

Thanks, Mirage.  

I don't feel like I'm doing a lot. 

I don't have a job, like you do. 

I don't get out anymore. 

It's a big deal, just to stand. 

To walk. 

 

But it's true. 

I did a lot this morning.  

Some of them were things I've done for days. 

Like water the plants in the garden while my parents are gone. 

Last week, I was enjoying the job.

It wasn't easy.  Sometimes it was downright hard.

But there was some joy in it. 

This week?  I feel like I'm going to collapse. 

I barely endure it.  

 

It's discouraging to plunge down deeper into a wave again. 

And then I get upset with myself for being so discouraged.

And frustrated again, for being able to do so little. 

 

Right now, I just visited with my Mom for a bit to talk about her trip. 

And then my husband tried to cut the end of his finger off!  Literally!!

Couldn't convince him to go to the doctor.  

He quite literally super glued it.  Really.  

 

I was feeling pretty miserable before the whole finger thing.  

After... I've never felt closer to just collapsing in the middle of the floor. 

I'm a shaking, miserable mess.  

My legs, my arms, my abdomen muscles, are just shaking

I'm nauseated.  Feet burning and tingling.  

I'm anxious and emotional and... and I don't even know what.  

I used to take these kinds of things much more calmly. 

I used to... just walk around.  And not thinking about walking.  Or shaking.  Or being dizzy. 

 

Today is the best, worst, hardest, strangest, day I've had in a while. 

I continue to amaze myself with what I can survive. What I can endure. Or push through. 

This morning already, when I thought I was already past done, 

when I thought I couldn't hardly do anything more, 

I first went and took a shower.  

And then I did another thing.  And another. 

And every time, I thought I couldn't do any more.  

And I did.  

That's the wonderful part.  That I did. 

That I did things.

That I did anything.  

The horrible part, is how I feel.  

How I have been feeling. 

This is a wave, and it's deepening.  

And it sucks.  

I hardly know what's up, and what's down. Left, or right. 

I don't know what the rest of the day will bring. 

Or what tomorrow will hold. 

And I'm scared. 

But I'm learning too.  

I don't always even know what I'm learning. 

But I'm still learning. 

Every day. 

A little bit more. 

 

Cheers.  

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mirage

@WaterfallIt is so difficult to remember that you have had times of feeling better. When the waves hit they hit hard and you feel like you are sinking deeper. Try to keep in mind that waves are healing happening. I have not had a window yet that has been free of symptoms but things are improving. I joke about dizzy being my best friend. I would like her to go away...far far away!!!!! 


Keep doing what you can. Being busier helps keep your mind off of things and helps time go by. Before you know it, you will be doing so much more and feeling better. You are blessed friend. Sounds like you have a great family and you have such a beautiful personality. 

 

Hugs and prayers

 

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Rabe

Hi Waterfall...you did a lot!  Today I did get to the deli and bought chicken, filled bird feeders and sat outside a bit...nothing else!  I know it is hard to be this way...it seems sort of like not being sometimes...but you are doing SO well and doing much more than you were!  I care about you SO much, pray for your wave to lessen soon, and send you hugs and love!!!💜

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Rosetta

Thinking of you, waterfall.  I hope today is better. -R

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DMV64

Hello! Stopping by to say hi and see how you are doing?

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Waterfall

How am I doing.  

Hmmm... I was thinking to myself, how AM I doing?  

I'm glad you stopped by DMV.  

I hope that you are doing better.  

We can't exactly expect to be 'normal' tomorrow. 

But each day, we hope, just maybe, to be doing even just a little bit... better.  

So hi DMV.  And everyone else who stopped by. 

I hope you are doing, better.  

 

So, how am I doing.  

I'm not exactly sure.  

In some ways, I've been feeling pretty awful. 

And as usual, discouraged by it.  

I cried this morning agian, thinking of all the things, I'm not doing. 

That I can't do.  That I feel like my kids are missing. 

 

On the other hand... 

I did make it to church yesterday morning. 

And today, I managed to tidy up in the kitchen. 

Do a bit of clean-up in the bathroom.  

I still sat for supper with the family.  

 

So, while the trip to church was probably one of the hardest I've ever done. 

And some of the things I pushed through lately, have been crazy tough. 

I think... I think on the whole that maybe I'm doing just a tiny bit better. 

Sometimes, I feel awful, and I think, nope.. this is worse.  

Other times, like a few minutes ago, I feel all tingly, and I think.. 

Hey, I haven't actually had that for a few days.  

Or I wake up with a cortisol spike for a few days, and I think ,

Hey, I think I actually wetn a few days without those.  

So, ups and downs still.  But that means things are happening. 

 

I had a bad bought just a short while ago, where 

I suddenly felt dizzy and my vision was bad, and my back was

sore, and I was tingly, and I thought... man, I feel especially bad. 

I've also had quite a few times lately, when, I thought, boy, I'm 

dizzier than ever.  

 

But I've also had times, like today when I was tidying up, when I 

thought, huh... I'm walking around, and I have been for a few minutes, 

and I don't feel like I'm dying yet.  I don't feel great.  But I don't feel 

like I have to sit down -right now-. At least, not yet.  

 

Sometimes, I go up a stairs, and I think... I did it.  And I'm okay!

Other times, I go up the stairs, and I think, boy, I feel like I just

barely survived that. My heart is pounding. I feel dizzy, and sick. 

I still never know just which.  Whether it's the stairs, or just 

standing up.  Reading a book.  Sometimes I read the same

paragraph over, and over, and over... and still can't seem to get

what it was that I just read. Other times, I read, and read, and

read, and hours can slip by.  

 

I think the bad moments can still hit hard, but more of the lighter 

ones are happening than did for a while.  

 

I wanted to go out this morning to the park with my sister-in-law. 

I didn't make it.  That was discouraging.  But I still did more than 

I thought I could today.  I finished off the day feeling pretty rough, 

but... 

 

But I'll tentatively say, I think things are improving. 

Ever so slightly.  

Perhaps that's why the rough moments are so tough, 

because I feel each time I have a better moment, that

this rough stuff should be over.  Or, maybe rough, is 

rough, no matter what order these things happen in. 

 

The rough is hard.  Really hard.  

I read on someone else's thread about toxic something or other. 

And I'm prone to worry.  Blurry vision was on the list, and I have

had a lot of that.  So I worry.  I'm good at worrying.  😜

But the bits inbetween are lovely. Even if they are only a little tiny

bit better than usual. And even if I fall back down. I love those 

slightly brighter little bits.  I hope I see lots, and lots more of them. 

I have hope.  

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Waterfall

Alright. 

I sound all hopeful. 

But I can't seem ot get to sleep tonight. 

I've been kinda panicky for the last bit, 

and trying to wait it out. 

Only it's not getting better so quick as I'd like. 

For some reason, my feet, 

and my left arm, 

especially my left arm,

at the moment, 

feel like ice. 

Not helping.  

Here's hoping I can get to sleep before one. 

This is quite late enough, thank you.  

Tingling. 

Anxiety. 

Ice?  

Really. 

For now, this doesn't feel 'better'. 

Maybe tomorrow will be nicer. 

Can always hope. 

In the meantime. 

Really would like some sleep.  

Up.  Down.  Up.  Down again.  

My, my.  

Can we go up again? 

Yes, yes.  That would be nice.  

Good night. 

(I really hope it is one...)  

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Waterfall

Still no luck on the sleep just yet.  

Was just thinking... 

Had chocolate today.  

Wonder if that's the culprit. 

Haven't had a night this bad in a long time. 

Jittery.  Tingly.  Cold.  Muscle spasms. 

Anyway.  

Going to be a loooooong night at this rate.  

I think I'm calmer than I was last time I posted. 

So maybe I'll be able to get to sleep soon. 

I can always hope.  

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mirage

@Waterfall the fact that you are having more moments of being able to do more is a good sign. This journey is just crazy hard and it goes one step forward...five back. 

 

Stay strong and carry on friend. 

 

Hugs and prayers

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Waterfall

Well.  The last two days have been the 5 back.  

Two rough days.  Couldn't do much. Didn't do much. 

Having more trouble walking around again.  

More trips to the bathroom, cramps, pains, etc. 

 

My eyes are bothering me a lot. 

Sometimes it's like the bottom of my vision is flashing.  

And yet, I'm not sure it's flashing. Or not.  It's weird. 

My lips are also really dry again. 

 

Sometimes one or another of my limbs gets cold.  

Like, freezing cold. 

Most likely the limbs on the left.  

For a while I was feeling hot.  

Now I'm into feeling cold. It comes. It goes. 

Sometimes I'm freezing. Sometimes just chilly. 

Other time I feel my temperature is fine. 

It's all over the place.  

 

Over the last few days I've enjoyed reading some books. 

Which is nice.  

 

Trying to stay hopeful.  

Sometimes easier than others.  

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Rabe

Hi Waterfall!  I was just going to write and see how you are!  I have been thinking about you!

 

Im sorry you have had some rough days...the ups and downs are challenging.  I hope your books and your rocker will ease you through, as well as your lovely family!!!  Take care!!!💜

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Rosetta

HI Waterfall.  A big hug for you!

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Rabe

Thinking about you Waterfall!!  Hoping today was a tad better 💜

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Waterfall

Oh blech.  

If before was 5 steps back, 

today is even further back. 

I don't feel like guessing which number.  

Just further.

 

I woke up this morning feeling emotional and sick. 

Had to run to the can a few times already. 

So shaky today.  

I was hoping I was past this kind of thing. 

I guess not.  

 

Been having trouble sleeping, 

and last night I dozed off in my chair, 

and then woke up again with a jerk, 

and my heart pounding.  

Happened twice.  It was not fun. 

 

Moving backwards in time, I guess here... 

That was after supper time, 

when it felt like my body was being rocked by my heartbeat.

Not whole body, by my hands, and my head, and my chest.

Needless to say, I didn't stay at the table last night.

I ate my supper in my chair.

 

Here's hoping this is the bottom for now and I see some forward steps again. 

 

Fingertips hurt.

Knees hurt.

Gassy.

Urgent bathroom visits.

Shaky.

Nauseated.

Burping.

Blech.

 

Maybe the day will get better.

Or maybe tomorrow will be better. 

 

Sad.

Monday is my son's birthday. 

My other son never did get his birthday party,

back in the spring. 

😢

 

I want to do more.

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