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Waterfall: introduction


Waterfall

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Woke up feeling pretty rough this morning. 

Didn't get to sleep until midnight. 

Which was better than the almost 1:00 of yesterday. 

But I woke up with a bad cortisol spike, just before 7. 

Instead of the mild cortisol spike and 8 of yesterday. 

 

One of the first things I noticed, is that my mouth is burning today. 

Yesterday my teeth starting hurting more again, 

so perhaps I shouldn't be surprised. 

But it's still really uncomfortable and annoying.  

 

I pushed myself to get some stuff done,

because.... 

today my parents come home. 

After being on holidays for a few weeks. 

 

But now I feel pretty lousy. 

I'm sure part of it is just stress over their returning.. 

Part of it is just... being in withdrawal. 

Part of it is how hard I pushed myself. 

 

Which was way harder than I probably should have. 

There is so much I want to do before they get here. 

So much I wish I had already done while they were gone. 

 

I've always felt like a disappointment. 

My current condition isn't helping things.  

 

Which has led me to rethink what's going on. 

Again. 

Wondering if I'm really going to recover. 

Or if I really understand what's going on. 

Not helpful. 

 

Wish me well today. 

It's going to be a rough one. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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@WaterfallHang in there. Sounds like you are doing a lot. Try and remember all of the things you are getting done. 

 

You are in my prayers friend. 

 

Big hugs

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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Thanks, Mirage.  

I don't feel like I'm doing a lot. 

I don't have a job, like you do. 

I don't get out anymore. 

It's a big deal, just to stand. 

To walk. 

 

But it's true. 

I did a lot this morning.  

Some of them were things I've done for days. 

Like water the plants in the garden while my parents are gone. 

Last week, I was enjoying the job.

It wasn't easy.  Sometimes it was downright hard.

But there was some joy in it. 

This week?  I feel like I'm going to collapse. 

I barely endure it.  

 

It's discouraging to plunge down deeper into a wave again. 

And then I get upset with myself for being so discouraged.

And frustrated again, for being able to do so little. 

 

Right now, I just visited with my Mom for a bit to talk about her trip. 

And then my husband tried to cut the end of his finger off!  Literally!!

Couldn't convince him to go to the doctor.  

He quite literally super glued it.  Really.  

 

I was feeling pretty miserable before the whole finger thing.  

After... I've never felt closer to just collapsing in the middle of the floor. 

I'm a shaking, miserable mess.  

My legs, my arms, my abdomen muscles, are just shaking

I'm nauseated.  Feet burning and tingling.  

I'm anxious and emotional and... and I don't even know what.  

I used to take these kinds of things much more calmly. 

I used to... just walk around.  And not thinking about walking.  Or shaking.  Or being dizzy. 

 

Today is the best, worst, hardest, strangest, day I've had in a while. 

I continue to amaze myself with what I can survive. What I can endure. Or push through. 

This morning already, when I thought I was already past done, 

when I thought I couldn't hardly do anything more, 

I first went and took a shower.  

And then I did another thing.  And another. 

And every time, I thought I couldn't do any more.  

And I did.  

That's the wonderful part.  That I did. 

That I did things.

That I did anything.  

The horrible part, is how I feel.  

How I have been feeling. 

This is a wave, and it's deepening.  

And it sucks.  

I hardly know what's up, and what's down. Left, or right. 

I don't know what the rest of the day will bring. 

Or what tomorrow will hold. 

And I'm scared. 

But I'm learning too.  

I don't always even know what I'm learning. 

But I'm still learning. 

Every day. 

A little bit more. 

 

Cheers.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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@WaterfallIt is so difficult to remember that you have had times of feeling better. When the waves hit they hit hard and you feel like you are sinking deeper. Try to keep in mind that waves are healing happening. I have not had a window yet that has been free of symptoms but things are improving. I joke about dizzy being my best friend. I would like her to go away...far far away!!!!! 


Keep doing what you can. Being busier helps keep your mind off of things and helps time go by. Before you know it, you will be doing so much more and feeling better. You are blessed friend. Sounds like you have a great family and you have such a beautiful personality. 

 

Hugs and prayers

 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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Hi Waterfall...you did a lot!  Today I did get to the deli and bought chicken, filled bird feeders and sat outside a bit...nothing else!  I know it is hard to be this way...it seems sort of like not being sometimes...but you are doing SO well and doing much more than you were!  I care about you SO much, pray for your wave to lessen soon, and send you hugs and love!!!💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

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Thinking of you, waterfall.  I hope today is better. -R

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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Hello! Stopping by to say hi and see how you are doing?

2001- Klonopin 0.125 mg.  2011- increase to 1 mg.  2018- increase to 1.5 mg 

2010- Trials of SSRI's, several.

2011- Saphris 5 mg. CT. 6/2017- retry Saphris 5 mg sublingual, begin taper August 2020 10% taper with scale, and final taper liquid sublingual, August 2019- taper complete!

2011- Geodon 20 mg. Begin taper Sept 2019. 10% liquid taper. 2020: December-5 mg. 2021: Jan-4.5mg. (held Feb.for vacation). March-4mg. Apr-3.6mg. May-3.2mg. June-2.8mg. (Held July for vacation). Aug-2.4mg. Sept.- 2.2mg. Oct. 2mg. Dec 2022 - Taper complete!

2011- Gabapentin 300 mg to present- 2020. Increase 2023 to 400mg.

2014- Vyvanse 20 mg, 2020- Vyvanse 5 mg. Increase August 2022 20mg

2016- Lithium 300 mg, June 2016 - FT.

2017- Cogentin 0.5 mg. June-August 2019- off Cogentin.

2021 - Hydroxyzine 30mg. Holding.

Omeprazole 20 mg and holding, Omega 3's/fish oil, Magnesium

 

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How am I doing.  

Hmmm... I was thinking to myself, how AM I doing?  

I'm glad you stopped by DMV.  

I hope that you are doing better.  

We can't exactly expect to be 'normal' tomorrow. 

But each day, we hope, just maybe, to be doing even just a little bit... better.  

So hi DMV.  And everyone else who stopped by. 

I hope you are doing, better.  

 

So, how am I doing.  

I'm not exactly sure.  

In some ways, I've been feeling pretty awful. 

And as usual, discouraged by it.  

I cried this morning agian, thinking of all the things, I'm not doing. 

That I can't do.  That I feel like my kids are missing. 

 

On the other hand... 

I did make it to church yesterday morning. 

And today, I managed to tidy up in the kitchen. 

Do a bit of clean-up in the bathroom.  

I still sat for supper with the family.  

 

So, while the trip to church was probably one of the hardest I've ever done. 

And some of the things I pushed through lately, have been crazy tough. 

I think... I think on the whole that maybe I'm doing just a tiny bit better. 

Sometimes, I feel awful, and I think, nope.. this is worse.  

Other times, like a few minutes ago, I feel all tingly, and I think.. 

Hey, I haven't actually had that for a few days.  

Or I wake up with a cortisol spike for a few days, and I think ,

Hey, I think I actually wetn a few days without those.  

So, ups and downs still.  But that means things are happening. 

 

I had a bad bought just a short while ago, where 

I suddenly felt dizzy and my vision was bad, and my back was

sore, and I was tingly, and I thought... man, I feel especially bad. 

I've also had quite a few times lately, when, I thought, boy, I'm 

dizzier than ever.  

 

But I've also had times, like today when I was tidying up, when I 

thought, huh... I'm walking around, and I have been for a few minutes, 

and I don't feel like I'm dying yet.  I don't feel great.  But I don't feel 

like I have to sit down -right now-. At least, not yet.  

 

Sometimes, I go up a stairs, and I think... I did it.  And I'm okay!

Other times, I go up the stairs, and I think, boy, I feel like I just

barely survived that. My heart is pounding. I feel dizzy, and sick. 

I still never know just which.  Whether it's the stairs, or just 

standing up.  Reading a book.  Sometimes I read the same

paragraph over, and over, and over... and still can't seem to get

what it was that I just read. Other times, I read, and read, and

read, and hours can slip by.  

 

I think the bad moments can still hit hard, but more of the lighter 

ones are happening than did for a while.  

 

I wanted to go out this morning to the park with my sister-in-law. 

I didn't make it.  That was discouraging.  But I still did more than 

I thought I could today.  I finished off the day feeling pretty rough, 

but... 

 

But I'll tentatively say, I think things are improving. 

Ever so slightly.  

Perhaps that's why the rough moments are so tough, 

because I feel each time I have a better moment, that

this rough stuff should be over.  Or, maybe rough, is 

rough, no matter what order these things happen in. 

 

The rough is hard.  Really hard.  

I read on someone else's thread about toxic something or other. 

And I'm prone to worry.  Blurry vision was on the list, and I have

had a lot of that.  So I worry.  I'm good at worrying.  😜

But the bits inbetween are lovely. Even if they are only a little tiny

bit better than usual. And even if I fall back down. I love those 

slightly brighter little bits.  I hope I see lots, and lots more of them. 

I have hope.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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Alright. 

I sound all hopeful. 

But I can't seem ot get to sleep tonight. 

I've been kinda panicky for the last bit, 

and trying to wait it out. 

Only it's not getting better so quick as I'd like. 

For some reason, my feet, 

and my left arm, 

especially my left arm,

at the moment, 

feel like ice. 

Not helping.  

Here's hoping I can get to sleep before one. 

This is quite late enough, thank you.  

Tingling. 

Anxiety. 

Ice?  

Really. 

For now, this doesn't feel 'better'. 

Maybe tomorrow will be nicer. 

Can always hope. 

In the meantime. 

Really would like some sleep.  

Up.  Down.  Up.  Down again.  

My, my.  

Can we go up again? 

Yes, yes.  That would be nice.  

Good night. 

(I really hope it is one...)  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Still no luck on the sleep just yet.  

Was just thinking... 

Had chocolate today.  

Wonder if that's the culprit. 

Haven't had a night this bad in a long time. 

Jittery.  Tingly.  Cold.  Muscle spasms. 

Anyway.  

Going to be a loooooong night at this rate.  

I think I'm calmer than I was last time I posted. 

So maybe I'll be able to get to sleep soon. 

I can always hope.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall the fact that you are having more moments of being able to do more is a good sign. This journey is just crazy hard and it goes one step forward...five back. 

 

Stay strong and carry on friend. 

 

Hugs and prayers

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Well.  The last two days have been the 5 back.  

Two rough days.  Couldn't do much. Didn't do much. 

Having more trouble walking around again.  

More trips to the bathroom, cramps, pains, etc. 

 

My eyes are bothering me a lot. 

Sometimes it's like the bottom of my vision is flashing.  

And yet, I'm not sure it's flashing. Or not.  It's weird. 

My lips are also really dry again. 

 

Sometimes one or another of my limbs gets cold.  

Like, freezing cold. 

Most likely the limbs on the left.  

For a while I was feeling hot.  

Now I'm into feeling cold. It comes. It goes. 

Sometimes I'm freezing. Sometimes just chilly. 

Other time I feel my temperature is fine. 

It's all over the place.  

 

Over the last few days I've enjoyed reading some books. 

Which is nice.  

 

Trying to stay hopeful.  

Sometimes easier than others.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Hi Waterfall!  I was just going to write and see how you are!  I have been thinking about you!

 

Im sorry you have had some rough days...the ups and downs are challenging.  I hope your books and your rocker will ease you through, as well as your lovely family!!!  Take care!!!💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment

HI Waterfall.  A big hug for you!

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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Thinking about you Waterfall!!  Hoping today was a tad better 💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment

Oh blech.  

If before was 5 steps back, 

today is even further back. 

I don't feel like guessing which number.  

Just further.

 

I woke up this morning feeling emotional and sick. 

Had to run to the can a few times already. 

So shaky today.  

I was hoping I was past this kind of thing. 

I guess not.  

 

Been having trouble sleeping, 

and last night I dozed off in my chair, 

and then woke up again with a jerk, 

and my heart pounding.  

Happened twice.  It was not fun. 

 

Moving backwards in time, I guess here... 

That was after supper time, 

when it felt like my body was being rocked by my heartbeat.

Not whole body, by my hands, and my head, and my chest.

Needless to say, I didn't stay at the table last night.

I ate my supper in my chair.

 

Here's hoping this is the bottom for now and I see some forward steps again. 

 

Fingertips hurt.

Knees hurt.

Gassy.

Urgent bathroom visits.

Shaky.

Nauseated.

Burping.

Blech.

 

Maybe the day will get better.

Or maybe tomorrow will be better. 

 

Sad.

Monday is my son's birthday. 

My other son never did get his birthday party,

back in the spring. 

😢

 

I want to do more.

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

h, Waterfall...I am sad with you!  It is difficult when all this sometimes results in the feeling of moments missed....but there are also so many moments you have created and described that are so lovely...like your little one falling asleep with you as you rock and the songs you create together etc.  I know Rosetta has said the same and I missed my sons wedding after the rapid taper....but he loves me and I love him...the love is most important of all.  And there is NO way that your children do not know that you love them...if I can hear it via these black and white words then they certainly know it just by being with you and near you!

Can you do a party at home?  Just lots of balloons and a cake and special gift?  And his favorite food?  And maybe a bit of a favorite game with you?  It doesnt have to be something big...just something with love in it!  

Thinking about you?💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment

A rough day again today.

Rough, and yet not too bad.

Bad cortisol spike this morning.

Worst one in quite a while.

Strong wave of anxiety/panic this morning.

But it also passed.

 

Now a new/old plague has struck.

A knife like pain between my shoulder blades.

I can scarce move without a twist of the knife in my back. 

I lay here. Middle of the night.

In pain. And so far sleepless.

Currently hot and sweaty as well.

 

Sigh.

 

When will I be fortunate enough to see another window?

Will I yet see light?

 

Oh patience, my pounding heart.

Poetically, it seems, I lay waiting.

 

Perhaps, tomorrow will be better.

Here's hoping you have a better day tomorrow too.

 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Waterfall, 

 

I hope that they tomorrow is a better day for you too. You write beautifully.

 

Sending hugs🤗

Been on APs, benzos, ADs and opiates, for chronic pain. Had Akathisia in the past that made me suicidal. Still on Seroquel. 2019:➡️ March10=7.25mg ✔️ April17=7.0✔️ June5=6.75✔️ July14=6.50✔️ Aug28=6.25✔️ Oct10=6.20  ✔️ Oct21=6.0✔️ Dec16=5.80 ✔️ 2020➡️ Jan 21=5.60 ✔️ April2=5.40 ✔️ May29=5.20 ✔️ Aug14= 5.0 ✔️Sep29=4.80✔️2021➡️ Jan31=4.60 mg✔️ April24=4.40mg✔️Jul17=4.30mg ✔️ Aug 28=4.20 ✔️ Oct 11=4.15✔️Nov1=4.10 ✔️ Nov21= 4.05✔️ Dec13= 4mg ✔️2022 ➡️ Jan8=3.95✔️ Jan31=3.90✔️ March2=3.85 ✔️ April4=3.80 ✔️ June16=3.75✔️ July26=3.70✔️ Sep2=3.65✔️ Oct21=3.60 ✔️ Dec8=3.55✔️2023➡️ Jan 26=3.50✔️ March 17=3.45✔️ June12=3.40✔️ July30=3.35✔️ Sep14=3.30✔️ Oct31=3.25✔️This is NOT medical advice.Consult your doctor.

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@Waterfall Stay strong. Better days will come. This journey is soooooo slow! I keep thinking, with each month that goes by, I will see big improvement. But, I never do. It takes months to go by before I see something improve and it is always so small. Keep faith that healing is happening because it is. 

 

You are in my prayers every day. Sending hugs to you. 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Think about you everyday Waterfall....happy birthday to your son!!!💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

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Well, wouldn't you know. 

Today has been another one of those... better and worse days.  😜

 

I woke this morning, 

and though I felt like I was sore through the night, 

I was surprised how well I actually slept, 

and that I didn't even wake up until around 8:00.  

 

When I got up, I still had a pain in my back, 

but not as bad as when I went to bed.  

I got up and had breakfast, 

and had my sister-in-law stop by for my son's birthday. 

Then I sat and helped my Mom snap some beans for a while. 

 

All while feeling rough... but not so rough I couldn't continue. 

But then... the rough got worse.  My eyes were having trouble focusing. 

I sat in my chair, and thought I was doing a bit better, 

but then I felt cold, and had that sleepy, weird, can't think feeling. 

So I slept.  

 

Just woke up again.  

And suddenly my hands were burning.  

And my eyes were suddenly watery, and leaking.  

 

Now I am going to try play a computer game with my son, 

because he asked to do spend time doing that for his birthday.  

Here's hoping it goes okay.  

 

So, some positives. 

Some negatives.  

 

Oh, almost forgot... 

That I almost forgot to take my pill this morning!

Actually, I did forget...in the morning.  

I took it shortly after lunch instead. 

Hopefully that doesn't shake things up too much.  

 

Thanks guys, for stopping by to offer your encouragement.  👍

You give me reasons to hope, and to smile.  🙂

I'm glad that you like my writing.  ☺️

That you think of, and pray for me.   💜 🙏

Thank you.  

 

Here's hoping that your day today is bright with cheer and hope as well. 

 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall You are getting small windows. That is a good sign. I still have not had a window without any symptoms. I know it will come. 

 

Prayers and hugs

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Well. 

My back WAS doing better. 

 

Now I just had to go pee really badly. 

And now I'm really nauseated. 

And burping.  

And my knees hurt really bad. 

And my back hurts quite a bit (though still not yet as bad as yesterday)

 

Up. 

And down. 

And up. 

And down. 

 

It's like riding a swing. 

Or... a roller coaster. 

With your eyes closed. 

 

I've never actually ridden a roller coaster. 

A ferris wheel was as close as I've ever been able to do. 

And even that makes my stomach queezy. 

 

Now... apparently every day life makes me queezy. 

And worse.  

 

I did do a small ferris wheel with my son at the local fair last year. 

This year?  I couldn't even go.  

Not to berry fest.  

Not to the fair. 

Since spring, I've been to the park a couple times. 

I went to the store once!  

And the beach once!  

Aaaaand that's about it.  

Oh, I made it to church a few times.  

 

I guess I should be glad I'm not totally bedridden. 

Though, for the moment I'm pretty much chair-ridden. 

My right foot is now numb/tingly. 

And I'm at the point where I can barely stay on my feet. 

My back hurts worse again.  

But my burping has stopped.  Mostly.  For now.  

I went to say that, and started again, it seems.  

Nausea is a bit better.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Hi, Waterfall.  I hope you can rest tonight! -R

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

Link to comment

💜 and hugs waterfall!!!

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment

Well, I did fall asleep a bit earlier last night, than the night before. 

My back still hurt, but not as badly either, as the previous night. 

 

But today has been, well... rotten. 

Full of pain, weakness, and tears.  

 

There is so much I wish to do. 

And so much that other expect me to do. 

And I can't do it. 

And they don't understand why. 

 

I have been sick for some time, 

but people are just beginning to catch on. 

And I don't know how to explain it to them. 

 

Come do this with me, they say. 

Help me with this project, or that.  

I would love to, but I can't.  

Well, but why not? 

I just don't feel up to it.  

But why?  

I just can't.  

Why?  

... 

 

If any try to understand, 

it's under the idea of depression, or anxiety.

Well, this is like that... only different. 

And no, I can't just 'push through it', and 

do whatever I please in spite of it. 

 

Doing too much makes it worse. 

As does, it seems, perhaps, doing too little. 

I walk a strange, and difficult line, somewhere in the middle. 

I think sometimes, that I often slip off of it.  

 

I really don't know. 

Sometimes I still wonder, that perhaps

it is some other dread illness, unknown, 

from which I will die.  

 

Another friend of a friend of a friend, died of cancer this week. 

Another is afraid she has cancer. 

One is struggling with lyme disease, and seems to be winning. 

Another, is losing.  

 

Sigh. 

 

And in the middle, I try do what I can. 

And try, somewhat unsuccessfully, to let go of what I can't. 

I try to fight the discouragement. 

Try to stay positive.  

 

I try to raise my kids. 

Support and be supported by my husband.  

Help, and be helped by my parents.  

Oh, how I wish I could be more support, and more help. 

 

I hate feeling so much like a disappointment to everyone. 

They tell me that I am not.  

So I guess it is my own feelings I must rage war at.  

Somehow work through, and deal with.  

 

Somehow.  Some day.  I really must learn how to like myself a little.  

 

Here's wishing you all a brighter, better day today.  

I hope the metaphorical smoke will clear from our lives, 

as surely as I hope the real smoke, of the BC interior fires, 

will clear from the skies.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Sorry guys. 

I feel like a broken record. 

Thank you for listening.  

 

For the record:
Today, my feet have been numb, and tingling, 

even when I'm walking, which feels really weird. 

My hands felt thick this morning. 

Now my finger tips hurt again. 

I seem to have a thing for crying today. 

I almost can't talk without beginning to cry again. 

I just had a big panic attack.  That sucked. 

I feel nauseated, and my intestines are rumbling again. 

Burping. Farting. All those pretty lady-like things.  

My mouth is dry. My eyes are dry. 

And yet periodically I'm suddenly salivating, or my eyes are watering. 

It seems to be completely out of the blue.  

My chest hurts (both my actual chest this time, AND my ribs)

and my back hurts too.  

Today.  I feel like a 'hot mess' as my brother would say.  

 

So. 

Deep breath. 

Calm down again.  

And get back up on the horse. 

Again.  

Blech. 

Sigh. 

And a One. More. Time. Now... 

 

*Song pounds through my head for a few minutes...*

 

Shake my head, and come back to the world again...

I think I know where the panic attack came from. 

I was already feeling rough.  

And my Mom needed my help. 

And I didn't really feel I could. 

But as usual, I pushed myself. 

I'm often surprised, once I try hard enough, 

what I can do. 

But this time, once I got up, 

walked to the other side of the house, 

and got up the stairs... 

Well, I first stopped by her washroom. 

And tried to collect myself. 

But my body just said, nope. You can't. 

And had a fit.  

I think that's roughly what happened. 

Either way, I said to my Mom, sorry, I'll come back after, 

and stumbled downstairs and cried on my husband's shoulder. 

 

Now I'm a bit calmer, 

but my side hurts really bad. 

And I've got tingles running up and down me, 

from head to toe.  

Oh, and the burping. 

And stomach rumbling. 

And all that garbage. 

 

I'm trying to gather myself to get back up there and help. 

But I just don't know if I can. 

No matter how badly I want to.  

 

I told my husband when I came down

(or was it a little while ago, when I had to change my son's diaper.

I can't remember clearly anymore)

but I said, I feel like I"m going to collapse in a heap on the floor. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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Well.  

So I tried to go back upstairs. 

Didn't even make it across the house this time. 

I'm a shaking, heart pounding, weeping, freezing mess. 

 

So.  

Time to sit and wait for a while, I guess.  

Right now I can't listen to music, because I tingle too much.  (I know that sounds strange, even to me)

I'm not thrilled about finished my book. Too much tension. 

Too many people dying and fighting, and... 

Yeah, I'm probably only 

(as I stop to check...)
... only 22 pages from the end.  

Okay, maybe I'll just finish it.  

And try not touch the sequel yet, because I probably can't handle it right now. 

 

And then I'll have to come up with something else even quieter to do for a little while. 

While my body (and I guess my brain) just does it thing.  

Works it's way through this confusing maze, and someday, finds a way out. 

 

Buck up, all. 

Keep smiling.  

Even forcing a fake smile, helps your mood. 

Did you know that?  

Now, apparently, my body thinks it's needs to cry a lot today. 

Okay fine. 

But I can smile sometimes too. 

Because I say so.  

So there.  

And if my face doesn't want to smile, 

I can smile in my head!

Take that brain!  

If my brain doesn't want my smile, 

then I guess my soul does!

So there! 

 

Crazycakes McStubborn, over and out!  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Hi Waterfall....ugh!  So sorry you are having a wave.  They are so tiring aren't they?  And it is difficult to challenge the thoughts running through our minds...I think that you are doing so well in spite of everything.  You do when you can...right now you cannot...and that's ok.  

I understand the fine line between doing too much and too little...I find that a challenge as well.  

Thinking about you and hoping this passes soon for you!💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

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Hey @Rabe

Thanks for stopping by.  💜

Brings a break in an otherwise long day.  

Feels like I've lived more than a full day already, and it's only 5:00.  

 

Freezing.  No, burning.  

Nauseated.  No hungry.  No, heartburn!  

Shivers. Tingles. Aches.  

My body can't make up it's mind. 

 

But in spite of how awful it feels,

I think it is not quite as deep, or lasting quite as long as it used to. 

I think.  

It's so hard to tell in the middle of it. 

We'll have to wait and see!  

 

I did finish my book.  👍

And hey, I'm still alive!  

Glad to see that you are too.  😉

I haven't stopped by your thread in a bit, 

I hope that you are doing alright.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@WaterfallYou are doing well. Keep on doing what you can friend. I am here cheering you on. 

 

Sending hugs and prayers

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Thanks. Hugs @mirage

Here's hoping this wave of new wave of nausea passes before we eat supper!

 

I hope you are currently doing well Mirage.

How's the dizziness?  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall The dizziness is strong. I am currently in a wave and it is a rough one! I can't wait for the day we are all symptom free and back to normal. This journey is so hard. 

 

I had to work today and I have to work tomorrow but both days are short ones, 5 hours today and 5 hours tomorrow. I had to pray my way through today. The dizziness is so bad! But, I made it! I just finished with my last client about 30 minutes ago. I am taking the rest of the night to rest. 

 

Thank you for contacting me. I truly appreciate it. 

 

Dear God grace us with your healing powers. Hugs.

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Oh, @mirage 

I'm sorry to here that the dizziness is bad right now. 

I'm amazed that you can continue to work in spite of it!

You always sound so strong and positive.  

 

I was going to say today is a bummer day. 

But that's not positive thinking.  

 

Wait, let's back up. 

Yesterday yet.  

I felt really awful. 

But somehow, I still managed to sit at the table for supper. 

I was almost surprised at myself.  

 

This morning I woke early, and laid in bed a while. 

Lots of gas and cramps and nausea.  

I feel quite awful again.  

 

And today.  Today my husband is taking most of my kids out on an outing. 

I'm really glad he's doing it.  

But I'm really sad, that I can't go. 

Our youngest also won't be going, 

and I'm kinda glad he'll be with me, 

and kinda sad that he won't be going either. 

 

So I sat here and cried.  

It didn't help that I also sat, trying to distract myself, 

and read the final post of the woman who died the other day.  

When she talked about saying her final goodbyes to her kids. 

Talking about 'Mommy not being sick anymore'. 

So I sat here and cried.  

 

Oy, life is hard sometimes.  

I wish I could be so certain as Rosetta, 

that really this WILL get better.  

I hold to hope.  

That it won't always be like today. 

That this is just another step on the way to more healing. 

A stage I have to endure, while my brain sorts itself out. 

Oh, but it's hard.  

 

I wish I was stronger.  

Hey, while I'm wishing, I wish this wasn't happening.  

But it is.  And I'm not.  

I'm just me.  

Taking one day at a time.  

 

Today? More like one hour, one minute, at a time. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall Today is REALLY, REALLY hard! The anxiety is through the roof and causing all of my symptoms to be extreme. I am taking it one hour at a time. I am giving it up to God to help me through. To give me strength. 

 

It is good your husband is taking the kids out and that you have that sweet little one to love on. You are blessed friend.

 

I have my first client in a couple of hours. Perhaps the wave will even be better by then? 

 

Hope your day goes well and you get some relief. 

 

Hugs!

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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