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Waterfall: introduction


Waterfall

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Thoughts and hugs from me as well, Watefall!  There will be another window soon I believe!! 💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

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Well, this time, for some reason, I've been slow to update.  

Ah well.  No sense in over-analyzing it.  

 

Monday afternoon, I felt awful. 

Just awful. 

Had horrible tooth pain again for a couple hours. 

Though it hasn't really bothered me much at all since then!

Crazy how that works.  

Also felt totally out of it and unable to function for a while. 

Had to get my husband to feed the kids lunch.  

Don't remember if there was anything else notable about the day. 

 

Tuesday. 

Wow, yeah... Tuesday. 

The morning went okay. 

Worked on some laundry. 

Walked once around the house outside. 

 

And THEN... 

We got invited to the beach. 

I wasn't so sure... 

But I wasn't feeling too bad either... 

So, we went. 

Changed and packed up all the kids. 

Took the towels, and toys. ]

Hubby packed some food. 

And off we went!

And I survived!

 

Waded in the water with the kids. 

Sat in a chair for a while with my feet in the water. 

Even tried sitting on a half full inflatable ring (with a hole in it)

It sorta worked.  Paddled around a few minutes in the shallows. 

Apparently it made my muscles all hurt. 

And after that I felt kinda chilly, despite the heat of the day. 

Shortly after that we sat for supper with the kids, 

and some other relatives that were also at the beach. 

I felt a bit lousy, but not too bad, considering.  

Sat around, and chatted until we took the kids home. 

 

And then we had to rush, because we had someone coming to visit

for coffee in the evening, so we had to rush and put the kids to bed. 

Oh, what a whirlwind!  And already once we hit the van, I was feeling

... off.  Tired. Out of it. Heavy.  

 

Well. I made it through putting the kdis to bed. 

Chatted with our company for a while. 

(Totally weren't originally planning a beach day and company on the same day!)

Turned out to be a nice visit. 

But towards the end, I started shaking. Shivering? Not sure. But it wasn't fun. 

I kept surprisingly cool and pleasantly conversant. 

When the shaking stopped, I felt like I was freezing.  

Shortly after that, company left. 

 

I was just wiped after that, 

but I still really wanted a shower, after being in the lake. 

So I struggled through that, and crashed in bed. 

Fell asleep nearly midnight.  

 

So. 

Well. 

Today I didn't do too much. 

Felt okay first thing in the morning, 

but otherwise, not the best today. 

Walking around was harder again. 

Seem to have a bit of a cold too. 

 

Still... 

I played a computer game with the kids for a while. 

I managed to sit out on the deck and read a book while the kids played outside. 

I also made another walk around the house today!

And I still managed to sit with the family for supper!

Even though I wondered if I would make it, 

and it wasn't very easy.  I did it!

 

So that's my update for today. 

Ups. Downs.  

Glad I made it to the beach. 

Wish I could have gone actually swimming. 

Shaking wasn't so fun. 

Bummed that doing things still means crashing later.

That day. Or the day after. Or for a few days after.  

Glad on the other hand, that I didn't crash nearly as badly as I feared I would. 

Or nearly as bad as I have other times. 

We'll see what the future brings on another day.  

 

On the whole?  I'm pretty pleased I got out yesterday. 

Totally went MUCH better than I expected it would!

Wish I could have done more today. 

But I think... I think things might be improving. 

Tentatively hoping here... 

Fingers crossed.  

 

Time for bed.

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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Oh crumbs. 

I just realized that I missed my dose this morning. 

That can't help. 

Proud on the one hand, that I haven't made any 

other major mistakes for quite some time. 

Other than a few doses taken, you know, an hour

later than I meant to, now and then. 

But this one, I totally missed!

Not exactly what I meant to do.  

Bummer.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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Was felling lousy already. 

Knowing this, doesn't help.

Am I lousy because yesterday was busy? 

Or because I missed my pill? 

Will it mean a lousier day tomorrow?  

And on, and on, the silly brain goes... 

 

Need another song to make us all laugh. 😜

 

You know... I think the pounding songs were 

quieter for a little while. Didn't really think about

that until just now.

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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@Waterfallyou are doing well. I know you aren't so much feeling like it but you are accomplishing a lot and making  yourself get out which is going to be good in the long run. 

 

I'm not quite sure how much of the waves we actually cause? While staying busy or doing too much, can bring on waves, would the waves come anyway? Even if we just sat in one place all day and never got up?  Are these symptoms just part of the healing process and the nervous system would still have to go through all of this in order to heal?

 

Just my thought, do what you can when you can and pat yourself on the back for each and every accomplishment no matter how small it seems. 

 

Keep moving forward Waterfall. 

 

Prayers and hugs

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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That is wonderful!!!  You went to the beach and into the water! Wow!!  That's is fantastic!!! - Rosetta

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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On 7/19/2018 at 1:35 AM, Waterfall said:

Am I lousy because yesterday was busy?

Oh Waterfall! I was just asking myself the same question. I had a busy day and then the next day was terrible!

2001- Klonopin 0.125 mg.  2011- increase to 1 mg.  2018- increase to 1.5 mg 

2010- Trials of SSRI's, several.

2011- Saphris 5 mg. CT. 6/2017- retry Saphris 5 mg sublingual, begin taper August 2020 10% taper with scale, and final taper liquid sublingual, August 2019- taper complete!

2011- Geodon 20 mg. Begin taper Sept 2019. 10% liquid taper. 2020: December-5 mg. 2021: Jan-4.5mg. (held Feb.for vacation). March-4mg. Apr-3.6mg. May-3.2mg. June-2.8mg. (Held July for vacation). Aug-2.4mg. Sept.- 2.2mg. Oct. 2mg. Dec 2022 - Taper complete!

2011- Gabapentin 300 mg to present- 2020. Increase 2023 to 400mg.

2014- Vyvanse 20 mg, 2020- Vyvanse 5 mg. Increase August 2022 20mg

2016- Lithium 300 mg, June 2016 - FT.

2017- Cogentin 0.5 mg. June-August 2019- off Cogentin.

2021 - Hydroxyzine 30mg. Holding.

Omeprazole 20 mg and holding, Omega 3's/fish oil, Magnesium

 

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5 hours ago, DMV64 said:

Oh Waterfall! I was just asking myself the same question. I had a busy day and then the next day was terrible!

 

Aw. I'm sorry to hear that, DMV. 

I was having another decent day today. 

And I think I've crashed. 

Out on Sunday. Out on Tuesday. 

Monday mid-day was rough. 

Wednesday was even pretty good, I think. 

I can't remember anymore... but it couldn't 

have been too horrible, or you'd think that 

I would have remembered it!  

Most of today was going well enough. 

 

But sometime before 5:00, I started to struggle. 

By 5:00 I was struggling a lot. 

Dozed off for a few minutes. 

Woke up feeling a bit better. 

But was shaky/shivery for a bit. 

Ate supper. Headed to my chair. 

Been struggling a lot since then.

 

Walking is making my heart pound. 

At one point, breathing in deeply, sent a sharp

pain through the top of my left shoulder. 

Feeling more anxious than usual. 

Hoping that I feel better soon. 

I'm getting to like feeling a bit better again. 

I want that feeling back!  And I want it to stay!!

 

Already the last few days, I noticed that I could do things, 

but that if I tried, to say, run up the stairs, then I would feel sick. 

I guess that the same is true if I do too many small things.  

My body just can't handle doing too much. 

Too much effort at once = bad idea. 

Too much effort little bits over time, apparently also = bad idea. 

I guess. 

Otherwise. Maybe it's completely random!  

I'm still a little in shock that I managed to go to the beach on Tuesday. 

That was a busy day. 

And I was surprised how good it went. 

I was also surprised that I didn't totally crash yesterday, or Thursday even. 

Missed that extra day in my count earlier.  

That said, I spent them fairly quietly, I think.  

 

I think, if I look back, there's about three times this week that I felt really bad. 

Mid-day Monday.  One other day, maybe yesterday, when I ran up the stairs.  

And today.  
There might be a couple more than were bad, but those are the ones I remember

the most, anyway.  The really bad ones.  There were other medium ones. Other

ones that were bad, but not horrible. 

 

I do think that's an improvement for sure. 

Other people have commented as well, that they are glad I seem to be doing better. 

But it's still hard to endure the rough spots. 

Especially when you feel like you are in the shadow, 

but the light is so tantalizingly close!  

It's almost harder to feel lousy, when you've felt better recently.  

Sigh.  

 

So, right this minute?  I'm burping. 

My back hurts, between my shoulder blades and up to the bottom of my neck. 

My nose feels funny.  My arms hurt.  My heart is beating kinda funny. 

Doesn't feel the same as the usual heart palpitations.

But that could just be my perception. Not sure. 

Eye is ticking a lot today.  

I really dislike when it's so hard to walk around. 

Vision is a bit off again. 

Intestines were rumbling.  Seem to be settling. 

Okay.  Maybe not.  Running to the, er...  

Yeah. 

Leaving!

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@WaterfallIt does seem like you are making improvements. When you feel bad, it is really hard to remember that you felt good and what feeling good feels like. For some reason the bad just overrides the memory of the good. 

 

This is just me, but I'm not too sure I get better when I take it easy. I have had times that I have had a crazy, hard, busy day and had a window and times that I have had a relaxing day and I had a wave and vice versa. For me it is random and I think my body is just going to do what it needs to do when it needs to do it. 

 

This journey has so many parts to it so there is so much to heal. But, healing is happening. 

 

Keep moving forward waterfall. 

 

Prayers and hugs.

 

 

 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

So, good news and bad news. 

The bad news?  I feel awful. 

The good news?  The plumbing still works!

Could be worse, right? 

 

I'm feeling a bit better than earlier. Just a bit. 

My right knee is hurting badly again.  

Sometimes about it doesn't work quite the way it should. 

Like something is too loose? Or... just wrong, somehow.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Sounds like you've had some better days lately Waterfall!  SO grateful to hear this!  JOY!!!!! 💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

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On 7/20/2018 at 8:27 PM, mirage said:

It does seem like you are making improvements.

 

On 7/21/2018 at 2:38 PM, Rabe said:

Sounds like you've had some better days lately Waterfall!  SO grateful to hear this!  JOY!!!!! 💜

 

Yes. Indeed. 

 

Today is the worst day I've had in a bit. 

Which means the ones before it, must have been better. 

That has to be a good thing. 

 

Today... I have had a harder time walking around again. 

And I have been very sore.  Sore feet. Legs. Arms. Back. 

Struggling with a headache too.  Eyes ticking really bad. 

Eyes are sore too. And nose keeps feeling weird. 

Balance was off.  Head feels weird as well

 

Meals the last few days went quite well.  

Even did a few without my husband there!

But tonight's supper was really hard. 

Hardest it's been in a while. 

I almost didn't go. 

But the kids wanted me there so badly. 

So I managed.  Just barely, but I managed.  

 

I hope I feel better again tomorrow. 

I apparently have a doctor's appointment! (Almost forgot about it!)  

 

Thinking through again. 

Last Friday, did quite a bit. Some laundry. Some dusting. Scrubbed bathroom!!

Walked around outside for a bit. 

Those were the good things.  Later in the day felt pretty rough. 

Saturday felt worse in general, but still did some things!

Made it to church Sunday morning! Played on the floor with the kids for quite a while. 

Fell asleep during church in the afternoon.  🙄

Played on the floor again for a little while. 

 

It's hard.  To really measure these things. 

I thought Friday was better, and today was worse. 

But then again, Friday afternoon/evening was pretty awful, 

and some parts of today weren't so bad. 

Ups, and downs.  

 

On the whole, I think there has been some improvement. 

And others around me comment on it too. 

Today didn't feel like it.  But still, I've seen it too.  

 

Here's to many more better days, 

for me, for you, for all of us.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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@WaterfallI completely understand what you are saying. It is very hard to see windows when you are in them because you still have a lot of symptoms. You only notice they were windows, when a wave comes and you feel just awful. You can then look back and notice that you must have felt better in order to do the things you did. I have trouble with the waves/windows thing because I have never been symptoms free, although I have had times I certainly felt better. 

 

You have been able to do more so you are getting better. This is just slow and long. 

 

The dizziness for me is just so overwhelming. I plug along but boy it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. My first symptom was dizziness and I think it is going to be the last to go...unfortunately! 

 

Stay strong and big hugs!

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Thanks, Mirage. 

Really rough day today. 

Hope tomorrow is better. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall Sorry to hear you had a bad day. This battle is really rough. 

Keeping you in my prayers. Be strong.

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

HI Waterfall!  I hope your day is better today.  You are having some ups and downs, and I know how hard that is, but it's all signs of stabilization happening.  Try to hold on to that.  I'll be thinking of you. - R

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

Link to comment

Thanks again, everyone.  

It's hard when the windows don't come. 

It's also hard after the windows, 

it's like... again? Really... do I have to?  

Can't I stay in a window like this.

It's much nicer.  

 

This morning I didn't eat breakfast soon enough, 

so I had a small crash because of it. 

Felt a bit better for a while, 

and then I felt really nauseated for a while, 

around lunch time, so I didn't sit with the kids. 😞

Nausea passed. 

Now I have a bad headache. 

Worst I've had in a while.  

Mostly just on the right front side.  

Maybe also spreading to the side of my face, 

and maybe the back right side of my neck?  

Hard to say.  Maybe that was just a spasm.  

 

I continue to have a lot of tics in my eyelids.  

Also a lot of weird feelings/smells in my nose. 

Had some tummy rumblings this morning. 

Woke up in the wee hours with a bad pain in my hand. 

Seems to have improved over the day so far.  

Had some muscle spasms in all sorts of places.  

Vision isn't the best at the moment either.  

 

Spilled my cup of fiber juice all over my books and the floor this morning. 🙄  Big mess. 

But found some good time wasters lately, that have helped to pass the time when I feel rough. 

Bad creak in my chair... going to have to see if the hubs can fix that.  Very annoying. 

 

So yeah. 

Rough day today. 

Even rougher than yesterday, I think. 

 

But on the whole I've been sleeping better. 

And I've seen better days, so I know they can come again, right?  

See one window, you'll see another. See another, and there will be more... 

 

Can't wait for this headache to lift. 

I think it's also making me dizzy. 

Either than or I just happen to be dizzy at the same time. 

Anyway, not doing too much for now. 

Hopefully I feel better soon.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Oh, headache please won't you go away. Go away. Go away. 

Oh, headache, please won't you go away, go away today!  🎵

 

I don't know if you can hear the tune, but I can.  ;)

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@Waterfall First, I hear the tune and love it. You are so clever with that and I just love your humor. That is going to help get you through this. 

 

I am so sorry it is rough. I have had an awful wave as well. Today I had to take things hour by hour. My dizziness has changed but it is still awful. I use to feel like I was rocking in a boat all day and now I feel like I am reading in a moving car. Slightly different but equally bad and I get some nausea with it. Ugh. 

 

All of this is healing and we are getting better and better each and every day despite how awful we feel. 

 

Stay strong. 

 

Hugs and prayers

 

 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus
5 hours ago, Waterfall said:

Oh, headache please won't you go away. Go away. Go away. 

Oh, headache, please won't you go away, go away today!  🎵

 

I don't know if you can hear the tune, but I can.  ;)

 

Hey Waterfall, 

 

I hear your tune🎼. Keep singing through these horrible withdrawals🎤.

 

Sending hugs🤗

Been on APs, benzos, ADs and opiates, for chronic pain. Had Akathisia in the past that made me suicidal. Still on Seroquel. 2019:➡️ March10=7.25mg ✔️ April17=7.0✔️ June5=6.75✔️ July14=6.50✔️ Aug28=6.25✔️ Oct10=6.20  ✔️ Oct21=6.0✔️ Dec16=5.80 ✔️ 2020➡️ Jan 21=5.60 ✔️ April2=5.40 ✔️ May29=5.20 ✔️ Aug14= 5.0 ✔️Sep29=4.80✔️2021➡️ Jan31=4.60 mg✔️ April24=4.40mg✔️Jul17=4.30mg ✔️ Aug 28=4.20 ✔️ Oct 11=4.15✔️Nov1=4.10 ✔️ Nov21= 4.05✔️ Dec13= 4mg ✔️2022 ➡️ Jan8=3.95✔️ Jan31=3.90✔️ March2=3.85 ✔️ April4=3.80 ✔️ June16=3.75✔️ July26=3.70✔️ Sep2=3.65✔️ Oct21=3.60 ✔️ Dec8=3.55✔️2023➡️ Jan 26=3.50✔️ March 17=3.45✔️ June12=3.40✔️ July30=3.35✔️ Sep14=3.30✔️ Oct31=3.25✔️This is NOT medical advice.Consult your doctor.

Link to comment
15 hours ago, mirage said:

First, I hear the tune and love it. You are so clever with that and I just love your humor.

 

11 hours ago, Carmie said:

I hear your tune🎼. Keep singing through these horrible withdrawals🎤.

 

Sending hugs🤗

 

Thanks, as always. 😊  You both made me smile.  

 

Wish it was easier to smile today. 

Headache never went away yesterday. 

It lessened a little a few times, but was still bad when I went to bed. 

Though I don't have a significant headache so far today. 

 

Instead... it's Day 1 today!  

Officially started just after midnight when I finally went to go to sleep. 

And then I tossed and turned all night.  

 

Woke up at 6:00 and stressed myself about the tossing. 

And then I got all stressed some more, because some friends want me to go to the beach today. 

I really don't feel up to it. I'm weak and shaky today, and slightly head-achy and nauseated. 

On top of that, I'm emotional, weepy, and tense.  

 

But you should totally come to the beach!  

Well, I'd like to.  

Well, then come!  

 

Oh, I want to go so bad. 

I want to be normal again. 

I feel bad for my kids.  

 

😢

 

I'm totally in a negative thought spiral, 

and I need to snap out of it. 

Not sure how at the moment.  

 

I don't think that the way I feel emotionally today, is helping me feel better physically today. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Go, Waterfall.  Go to the beach.  Let your friends help you.  It will make you feel better.  Make sure you take water!!

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

Link to comment

Hi waterfall just wanted to stop by and say hi how are you doing. I've read some of your post it seems like you've gone through quite a bit. I cold turkey my medication and I'm going through quite a bit of stuff myself. I'm only 2 months out from cold turkey and reinstatement.

March-2017-Dec-2017 ativanCT /reinstated ativan 1mg tapered 2 months/June 2017-April 2018 zyprexa 10mg switched to seroquel 200-300mg in april 2018/dec-2017-present zoloft 100mg/ quit seroquel 200-300mg cold turkey May 6 2018 reinstated seroquel 100mg around May 25 2018 since then tapered to 50mg zoloft and 50 mg of seroquel presently other medications Testosterone cypionate 2oomg every 4 days

UPDATE -August 20 2018--october 20 2018 tapered off Testosterone/Nov 7 2018 --Dec 20 2018 Lamictal micro dose 2.50mg 1 1/2 weeks then reduced to 1.25 then fast tapered as it became paridoxial.nausea- racing thoughts- agitation and insomnia.

August 28 2018 to Present Cannabis indica micro dose PM bedtime only.

Presently Seroquel 37.5 mg bedtime /Zoloft 47mg morning

May 2018-Present Multivitamin/ Bcomplex/Vit C 1000MG/B12 1000MCG/Fish oils 2grams/

Jan 2019-Trace mineral liquid low dose

Update dec 2019 -29mg of zoloft tapering/Seroquel 37.5 holding/1 or 2  ativan 1mg a month as needed if that.

Black seed oil-caprylic acid-/b complex/b12/multi/D/E/melatonin

Link to comment

My withdrawal symptoms are nausea anxiety headaches blurred vision hearing problems and daytime insomnia. I do have Windows but I can't I still can't tell if I'm coming or going. Mine is a daily thing

March-2017-Dec-2017 ativanCT /reinstated ativan 1mg tapered 2 months/June 2017-April 2018 zyprexa 10mg switched to seroquel 200-300mg in april 2018/dec-2017-present zoloft 100mg/ quit seroquel 200-300mg cold turkey May 6 2018 reinstated seroquel 100mg around May 25 2018 since then tapered to 50mg zoloft and 50 mg of seroquel presently other medications Testosterone cypionate 2oomg every 4 days

UPDATE -August 20 2018--october 20 2018 tapered off Testosterone/Nov 7 2018 --Dec 20 2018 Lamictal micro dose 2.50mg 1 1/2 weeks then reduced to 1.25 then fast tapered as it became paridoxial.nausea- racing thoughts- agitation and insomnia.

August 28 2018 to Present Cannabis indica micro dose PM bedtime only.

Presently Seroquel 37.5 mg bedtime /Zoloft 47mg morning

May 2018-Present Multivitamin/ Bcomplex/Vit C 1000MG/B12 1000MCG/Fish oils 2grams/

Jan 2019-Trace mineral liquid low dose

Update dec 2019 -29mg of zoloft tapering/Seroquel 37.5 holding/1 or 2  ativan 1mg a month as needed if that.

Black seed oil-caprylic acid-/b complex/b12/multi/D/E/melatonin

Link to comment

@WaterfallI'm so sorry that you are really struggling. These are the waves. You will get another window very soon. Your singing is joyous and happy. Go to the beach and, you may find that once you get there, you will feel better. 

 

Sending hugs to you.

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

@Rosetta@mirage

 

I didn't go. 😞

I sent my two oldest along. 

But I stayed home. 

Just can't handle it today. 

Getting out is really hard for me. 

And I feel pretty rough today. 

 

I keep torturing myself with the idea that there is still time, 

that I could still take the younger two, and go yet. 

But as badly as I want to go, I really don't feel I can today. 

I have a bit of the runs today. 

My cycle just started. 

I'm sore, shaky, and emotional. 

I tried to listen to a song, and I got rewarded with tingles from head to toe. 

I tried to watch something amusing, and I laughed, and it made me feel sick and tense.

Today is a return of the, man, I have to go pee all the time, urgently, symptom. 

Haven't had that for a while.  

I don't think making today the first day I've driven anywhere by myself in months, 

is a very good idea.  Especially not half an hour away.

Today, if the beach was out my back door, it would be hard to get there. 

Nevermind this kind of hurdle. 

I can barely leave my chair today.  

 

@RusTW

 

Hey, thanks for stopping by. 

I can definitely sympathize with what you are going through. 

It will get better. 

It's hard to be patient, isn't it?  

 

 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

@WaterfallIt is okay that you didn't go. I know it is upsetting because we so want our lives back. You have been doing quite a bit and that is wonderful. Your body is telling you it needs some extra tlc today due to some healing happening. You will be back in the drivers seat in your car and in your life. 

 

Take it slow today and pamper yourself. 

 

Sending hugs and prayers. 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Waterfall sorry to hear that it's so hard for you today. I forced myself to get up and go to the park today to walk even though it's in the 90s now probably and I have the nausea too and anxiety pretty bad. I was telling Mirage that I should have went to work yesterday I decided not to work and things got worse so I think being at home too much isn't helping me. Keeping busy always seems to make this a little bit easier to deal with.

March-2017-Dec-2017 ativanCT /reinstated ativan 1mg tapered 2 months/June 2017-April 2018 zyprexa 10mg switched to seroquel 200-300mg in april 2018/dec-2017-present zoloft 100mg/ quit seroquel 200-300mg cold turkey May 6 2018 reinstated seroquel 100mg around May 25 2018 since then tapered to 50mg zoloft and 50 mg of seroquel presently other medications Testosterone cypionate 2oomg every 4 days

UPDATE -August 20 2018--october 20 2018 tapered off Testosterone/Nov 7 2018 --Dec 20 2018 Lamictal micro dose 2.50mg 1 1/2 weeks then reduced to 1.25 then fast tapered as it became paridoxial.nausea- racing thoughts- agitation and insomnia.

August 28 2018 to Present Cannabis indica micro dose PM bedtime only.

Presently Seroquel 37.5 mg bedtime /Zoloft 47mg morning

May 2018-Present Multivitamin/ Bcomplex/Vit C 1000MG/B12 1000MCG/Fish oils 2grams/

Jan 2019-Trace mineral liquid low dose

Update dec 2019 -29mg of zoloft tapering/Seroquel 37.5 holding/1 or 2  ativan 1mg a month as needed if that.

Black seed oil-caprylic acid-/b complex/b12/multi/D/E/melatonin

Link to comment

See, whereas I find that some activity is better than none, 

I quickly find that doing anything more than just a little, makes me 

feel steadily worse the more that I do, until I can't stand it anymore. 

Anything I do makes my muscles hurt. Even holding a pencil. Or playing

a few notes on the keyboard. Holding the watering can, etc. Anything I 

do for more than a few moments, and things cramp up, or ache badly. 

Plus there's usually this strange, inexplicable feeling, that just makes

me feel like I have to sit down.  I wish I knew what that feeling was. 

And what exactly it meant.  But it just keeps getting worse, until I sit. 

 

I had that just now again. 

I was woken up this morning by the phone. Had a mild cortisol spike

and then lay awake in bed for about an hour before I gave up trying to

rest and got up to deal with the kids.  

 

I did a few mild things. Threw in a load of laundry. Helped my younger

dudes get their clothes on. Coached my big dude through a bit of keyboard

practice. Just trying to play at all (tried yesterday too for a coupe minutes) 

and somehow my brain feels... thick.  After a few bars, my fingers hurt and

cramp. Just to be clear, I can only play a few simple songs. No significant 

skill here. I just like to play for a fun a little, and it's frustrating that playing

makes me feel anxious and sick. As does exerting myself in any other way. 

 

Even reading, which I love to do, is still hard. And the harder the words I'm 

reading require me to think, the deeper the material is, the shorter I can do

it for. And the feeling of thickness in my brain is an actual physical feeling

in my head. Which makes no sense to me, because they say that you don't

have those kinds of nerves in your head. 

 

I think I'm frustrated today. 

I'm almost restless... but my body just doesn't want me to exert myself. 

For anything.  SO frustrating.  I just want to go DO things. 

I don't -want- to sit around in my chair anymore.  

 

I've been saying for years that I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. 

Well.  I'm even MORE sick of it now. 

And I don't think I've ever felt so sick and tired for so long before. 

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

Link to comment

Oh Waterfall, I so relate to your post.  I have the same thing - it sounds like you need to sit down whereas I feel this inexplicable desire to lie down.  Then at times I get restless because I don't want to be lying down but my body doesn't really want to do anything.  I also have this weird thing where my brain has no clue as to what it wants to do anyway (I suppose this is anhedonia?)....not sure if you have this or not.    I too am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.....it is SO hard living this way.

-1/06 - 3/07 Cymbalta. Fast taper (essentially CT); withdrawal symptoms after 4 mos (didn't realize was WD)

-10/07: 100 mg Zoloft; 1 mg Klonopin - tapered off Klonopin after 4 mos. Several unsuccessful slow tapers of Zoloft; went up and down in dose a lot

-Spring 2013 back on 1 mg Klonopin to counter WD symptoms; switched over 5-6 mos from Zoloft to 35 mg citalopram
-Two attempts at slow tapering citalopram, always increased dose due to WD; also increased Klonopin to 1.25 mg in 2014, then to 1.5 mg in 2015

-8/17-9/17: After holding one year at 20 mg, feeling withdrawal symptoms due to stress - slowly increased to 25 mg. No change in symptoms after 6 months (? tolerance ?)  - decided to start citalopram taper February 2018 (still on Klonopin 1.5 mg).

Supplements: fish oil; magnesium; vitamin D3; curcumin

Citalopram taper:  2/2018 - 12/2019: 25 mg - 11.03 mg I 2020: 10.89 mg - 7.9 mg I 2021: 7.8 mg - 5.26 mg I 2022: 5.2 mg - 3.36 mg I 2023: 3.3 mg - 1.47 mg 2024: 1/5/24: 1.44 mg; 1/19/24: 1.40 mg; 1/26/24: 1.37 mg; 2/2/24: 1.34 mg; 2/9/24: 1.31 mg; 2/23/24: 1.28 mg; 3/1/24: 1.25 mg; 3/8/24: 1.22 mg; 3/15/24: 1.19 mg

 

 

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Hugs, Waterfall.  I feel the same way today.  I need this to end.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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On 7/26/2018 at 10:03 AM, RusTW said:

I can't I still can't tell if I'm coming or going.

 

I've been thinking about this ever since you said it. 

I think that's how I feel too. 

I don't know if I'm coming or going.  

Up. Down. Backwards. Sideways. 

I think I feel scrambled. 

And it feels like the feeling will never go away. 

 

I choose to keep believing that it will. 

It has for others. 

It's just hard to wait.  

I've decided that I am a very impatient person. 

 

And lately, I seem to talk a lot. Fast.  

And be more irritable. 

And impulsive. 

And emotional.  

 

I think I'm restless right now. 

I feel weird, and I don't like it.  

What else is new?  😜

 

This whole thing, sucks.  

Pbbtthht.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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1 minute ago, Rosetta said:

Hugs, Waterfall.  I feel the same way today.  I need this to end.

 

Thanks, Rosetta.  

Sometimes I'm encouraged by the progress I see you make. 

Other times I'm discouraged, because you are ahead of me, and still struggling so much too. 

Oh, what a miserable journey we all must face. 

Teasing us with windows, and only fade. 

Torturing us, when the windows don't come. 

 

I dream of a 'normal' day. 

But it's almost more pain to have to go back again.  

 

I think for a while now, I haven't felt like doing anything. 

It's almost a worse torture to feel a bit better. 

Because now I feel like doing things, 

and I can't. 

 

Not even sure if this means I'm doing 'better' or if I'm just

bored of sitting around for so long.  

Maybe I'm afraid that I'm not doing better.  

 

I'm tired of analyzing everything, in the hopes of finding something

that will make this misery a little better.  

 

I'm hungry.  Can't eat enough.  Crave sugar. 

Then I'm not. Can't stand eating. Food tastes like cardboard. 

Headaches come and go. Weird feelings in my head. 

Tingling drives me nuts. Scalp itches and tingles. 

Eyes hurt and burn, and feel so dry.  

I have to go pee all the time one day.  And totally not the next. 

Constipated one day.  Cramps and gas the next day.  Running to the bathroom another. 

And these crazy other feelings I can't describe!  

It drives me nuts that I can't desribe them. 

 

Oh, and my latest! Traveling joint and muscle pains!

Usually one joint suddenly hurts really badly. Could be for a just a few minutes even. 

And then it goes away.  Muscle pains come and go in various places too. Along with

the muscle spasms and tics. I've been having terrible tics in my eyelids for days. 

 

Sorry, I feel like today is a rambly day.  

Some days, I want to post, and nothing comes out.

Other days, I feel like I just can't shup up already!  

Today is one of -those- days.  

 

And now my bum is tingling. 😜

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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24 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

I also have this weird thing where my brain has no clue as to what it wants to do anyway (I suppose this is anhedonia?)

 

I hear ya.  I've never quite figured out all the bigger terms.  I think my brain doesn't feel like computing. 

Anhedonia. Dystonia. Ableisinstliesn-tonia. Don't try pronounce it. I made it up. 

I can't keep track of of them all, and have no idea what they all mean yet.  

I think there's one that means you don't feel your feelings. You feel flat. 

Some of them have to do with the way your muscles behave.  

That's about as far as I've gotten on those.  

 

Either way, I identify with this idea. The idea that my brain doesn't now what it wants to do.

I think it fits with what RusTW was saying about not knowing if we're coming or going. 

 

Feels like in the meantime life is passing by, while I'm mired in this muck. 

The To Do lists pile up, while I can do nothing about it.  

And people stare on, wondering why you look fine, but function so little. 

The doc thinks things are serious, so you really should get on some more drugs.  Ha! No thanks.  

 

I'm afraid to be one of the ones who doesn't get better.  

Daunted by the idea that even if I -am- one of the ones who does, 

that it's going to take so incredibly long.  

 

Someone gave me the DNRS Dvds. 

I'd like to do them, because I feel they might help.

But I don't feel like my brain can handle the material right now. 

 

I just want to feel better. 

Don't we all.  

Sigh. 

Don't we all.  

Anxiety since I was 5, and my Grandma died.  Depression since at least my early 20s. 

Wellbutrin for unknown length of time in 2009  Guess: 6-9 months.  Cold Turkeyed in Dec 2009. 

Citalopram 40mg end of 2014 until June 2017. Began within a few months after 4th child was born because I crashed. 

Quit CT.  Had no major symptoms until Sept. Took Gaba from spring until near end of Nov 2017

Took St. John's Wort mixed with who knows what else from mid-summer to end of Sept.. 

Clonazepam 0.25 mg once a day since Sept. 18.  To stay sane. 

Rough time since Sept. 18.  Tried to reinstate.  Repeatedly.  Failed.  Bad reaction.  Horrible cortisol spikes

I seem to react badly to anything I take right now.  Except Clonazepam.    

End of December, forgot to take Clonazepam for a few days. Thought I could do without. 

Appears I was wrong,  Jan. 1-2?   Trying to find the right way to deal with things.

Holding at 1/4 of 0.25mg pill morning and night.  Reinstated Jan. 5

Apr. 30, Got a scale.  Measuring roughly .25 mg of a .80mg pill that contains .25mg Clonazepam.  

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Waterfall  -sorry you feel like this.I'm going thrue similar symptoms.I was thinking about that lost confused feeling today.we have to consider our subconscious and conscious are trying to re align.so they crash together sometimes.I feel like I'm getting constant waves thrue my day.Off and on all day.I was getting longer windows.I guess I have to wait again.hope ya get a good window asap☺

March-2017-Dec-2017 ativanCT /reinstated ativan 1mg tapered 2 months/June 2017-April 2018 zyprexa 10mg switched to seroquel 200-300mg in april 2018/dec-2017-present zoloft 100mg/ quit seroquel 200-300mg cold turkey May 6 2018 reinstated seroquel 100mg around May 25 2018 since then tapered to 50mg zoloft and 50 mg of seroquel presently other medications Testosterone cypionate 2oomg every 4 days

UPDATE -August 20 2018--october 20 2018 tapered off Testosterone/Nov 7 2018 --Dec 20 2018 Lamictal micro dose 2.50mg 1 1/2 weeks then reduced to 1.25 then fast tapered as it became paridoxial.nausea- racing thoughts- agitation and insomnia.

August 28 2018 to Present Cannabis indica micro dose PM bedtime only.

Presently Seroquel 37.5 mg bedtime /Zoloft 47mg morning

May 2018-Present Multivitamin/ Bcomplex/Vit C 1000MG/B12 1000MCG/Fish oils 2grams/

Jan 2019-Trace mineral liquid low dose

Update dec 2019 -29mg of zoloft tapering/Seroquel 37.5 holding/1 or 2  ativan 1mg a month as needed if that.

Black seed oil-caprylic acid-/b complex/b12/multi/D/E/melatonin

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@WaterfallGood morning. I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. This journey is really challenging...to say the least. Have faith waterfall. God is on your side and he will see you through this. Sounds like you are in a strong wave right now. It will pass and you will feel some relief.

Hugs and prayers friend 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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