Waterfall: introduction

[Rosetta]

Hey.  Sorry your day is so rough.  I relate so well to everything you describe.  It does get better.  Try to get some sunlight. -- Rosetta

[Waterfall]

2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Hey.  Sorry your day is so rough.  I relate so well to everything you describe.  It does get better.  Try to get some sunlight. -- Rosetta

You inspire me, with how encouraging you can be, in spite of your own waves.  

I hope you are having a bright day today.  : )  

 

It's 1:30 here, and I'm trying so hard to rally myself to have lunch.  

I'm hungry, and I almost don't dare move.  I feel better sitting still.  

But my boys need lunch too... 

Good thing they had a late breakfast.  

 

I have to keep reminding myself of what you said.  It does get better. 

It does get better.  

It does get better. 

It does get better.  

 

At a time when I feel like I've almost never been worse. 

And I feel like it keeps getting worse. 

And I must be doing this all wrong somehow. 

 

I have to stop. 

And breathe.  

And remind myself:
I'm not just recovering from my CT from 40 mg citalopram last June. 

I'm also working with the benzo, clonazepam, that I've been taking since Sept of last year. 

I changed my dosage at New Years, after I mistakenly thought I could stop taking it. 

So, I'm really only 3 months out from my latest change. 

As well as 10 months out from a CT.  

And I just had my in-laws visit, which is stressful under the best of circumstances. 

And I'm moving.  Packing.  Working.  Changing.  

I think I need to cut myself a break. 

 

My Mom is disappointed that I'm not doing more. 

Well.  So am I.  

But I just can't do more.  

Not right now. 

And that's just going to have to be okay. 

Because I can't change it.  

I can't dwell on how frustrating that is.  

That I want to do what I can't.  

 

I'm trying so hard to think positive. 

And focus on believing that I can survive this. 

It's not going to kill me.  

I will survive. 

It will get better. 

I will survive. 

It will get better. 

I will survive. 

It will get better. 

I will survive. 

It will get better... 

 

Other people have survived worse.  

I can do this too.  

I don't know how. 

I don't need to know how today.  

I just need to keep existing.  

One day. 

One hour. 

One minute at a time.  

 

I will surive. 

It will get better.  

 

End rant.  

 

Looking for sunshine
On a cloudy day.  (Literally).  

Surfing on my knees.  

In the middle of the storm.  

Holding on. 

When I don't know how.  

One more day. 

Of this crazy life.  

 

--Waterfall.  

[Rosetta]

Thinking of you.  You are not "doing it wrong."  This is very difficult on so many levels.  And, yes, it does get better.   Do what you can.  Definitely eat even if you don't want to.  I do that and it really helps.  Your body needs that food to repair itself.  Drink a lot of water, too.  It needs that, and you will feel better, too.  

 

I'm sure it feels that it's getting worse especially if you are moving.  It feels that it's getting worse, and then it gets better.  Just keep going until you get "there."  It's the only thing to do.  One day you will get over the hump and feel good enough that doing the things that help you heal will not seem so difficult.  You are going to make it!

 

Rosetta

[Waterfall]

Wow, I really post inconsistently, eh?  

Well.  I'm here today. 

Let's see what comes pouring out of this brain of mine.  

 

Well, it's definitely been tough.  

I think I started a pretty bad wave a while ago, 

possibly in anticipation of my in-laws coming. 

They've come and gone, but I'm still struggling. 

Really, who can blame me?  

Now I'm moving.  

I've been packing.  

And organizing. 

And painting. 

And going to this store. 

And that. 

And some school meetings.  

Etc.  Etc.  Etc.  

 

Making decisions.  

Lots of decisions. 

Oh, I hate making decisions.  

Keep this.  Get rid of that. 

Pick paint colors.  

And carpets. 

Oh, it really doesn't matter... 

You just have to live with the results.  

That's all.  

You have way too much stuff. 

And you're so disorganized. 

Oh, and don't forget to do some therapy with your kids. 

But no one is critisizing.  Really.  

 

Oh, and quick, pick which realtor!  

And when you're going to sell!

Are you ready yet?  
Are you going to paint?  

Which colors?  

Did I mention both realtors are really good?
And both friends of mine?  

And they both think they get to sell my house?  

Aaaaaarrggh!!  

 

Okay. 

Wow.  

Typing that really made me feel like I have a good excuse to be stressed. 

Which is funny.  Just because I feel like I've been way more stressed about how I feel. 

Than about the whole moving thing.  

 

I have been SO sore.  

My knee has been killing me.  

That's been the worst.  

Sometimes my whole right leg hurts.  

Today my hip hurts. 

And my right side, just under my ribs. 

And my right shoulder.  

Which is odd, because it's usually my left side that hurts. 

My left arm.  My left side of my chest.  My left shoulder. 

 

On top of that I've had trouble thinking.  

Sometimes my brain is really fuzzy. 

Sometimes my vision isn't so good either. 

My hearing still kinda blips out once in a while. 

I've had a headache off and on.  

Sometimes my ears itch really bad. 

Sometimes it feels like someone is putting needles in my ears.  

Trying to poke through them into my brain.  

Sometimes my chest is tight. Or my throat.  

Or my tongue hurts.  

 

I've had cortisol spikes in the morning on and off lately.  

I just had another bad run of them. 

It was getting earlier and earlier each morning.  

First 7:00.  Then 6:30.  Then 6:00.  Then 5:something.  

But the last morning or two, they've improved some again. 

But I've been more panicky during the day instead. 

Having some... akathisia?  

I'm finally learning some of these terms.  

 

Sometimes I feel like I can't eat at all. 

Other times I'm starving and feel like I need 8 meals in a day instead of 3.  

It's all over the place.  

 

Lots of the shakes lately.  

Sometimes all of me feels shaky.  

Sometimes it's just my stomach muscles.  Or my legs and arms.  

I've been getting muscles spasms too. 

Sometimes in my legs.  Sometimes in my torso. 

Sometimes it's my eyelids.  Or my neck muscles.  

The twitching can come anywhere.  

Even my bladder.  

 

Had some heart pounding recently. 

But less heart palpitations lately.  

At least there is that.  

 

I really wish my knee would stop hurting.  

It feels thick, and sometimes it is really hard to straighten it.

Doc says there is nothing wrong.

As usual.

I'm trying not to think about it, 

but secretly I'm a little terrified.

Thinking of one of the stories I know of other people...

This time it's a story of a young girl.

Hypochondriacs (like me) stop reading here.

She had a sore leg.  

Doctors kept saying it was nothing.  

Until one day she wouldn't walk on it. 

They did some more testing. 

Found an infection in her bone marrow. 

She spent more than half a year in the hospital.  

Almost died.  

 

But that's not me.  

It's not that weird to have a sore knee.  

Even for a while.  

Even if it hurts.  And feels weird. 

And it hard to straighten.  

I'm telling myself.  

If I keep saying it, hopefully I'll believe it.  

 

Yikes this is turning out to be another long post.  

As least my lines are short.  Heh.  

I was just remembering that I saw another post about an accidental double dose. 

I've made four mistakes in the several weeks.  FOUR!  

Twice I forgot to take my morning quarter pill.  

Twice I took the morning and the evening dose, both in the morning!  

Without realizing it!  At least I think that's what happened.  

Because come nighttime I went to take my evening dose. 

And it was already gone!  

I've been using a container to try keep track. 

And I still make mistakes!  

Sigh.  

 

But hey.  

I've had a few small windows.  

Had a few really crappy days too. 

But they aren't all equally bad.  

Maybe I'll make another post later... 

Have to go deal with the toddler in the bathroom right now.  

Silly kids.  

 

[Rosetta]

I'm amazed with all you are doing.  I'm glad you can pack and care for a toddler at the same time.   Yes, mistakes in dosing are sometimes a problem I hear.  I hope the last one doesn't bother you too much.  Keep trudinging along.  You are doing well!! - Rosetta

[Waterfall]

17 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I'm amazed with all you are doing.  I'm glad you can pack and care for a toddler at the same time.   Yes, mistakes in dosing are sometimes a problem I hear.  I hope the last one doesn't bother you too much.  Keep trudinging along.  You are doing well!! - Rosetta

 

I am amazed at what I am doing too.  I am surviving things I would never have thought possible.  

And yet, sometimes, you think, hey, I'm doing pretty good. 

Only to turn around and run into another day, or hour, that you don't feel like you can make it through. 

A feeling, or a situation that makes you feel like you've just run into a wall.  

 

I had a horrible day on Wednesday. 

I don't know how I made it through. 

But it made sense.  I was way too busy, pushed myself hard, on Monday and Tuesday. 

And Wednesday morning I had a meeting to go to.  

 

I surprised myself by coming back okay for the next couple days. 

They were both hard days, and I really had to work at it, but I did okay. 

Today?  Pfft.  I'm feeling awful.  

Tired.  Shaky.  And more anxious and panicky than I've been in a while. 

Why?  Why am I panicky today?  

Why does my face feel like it's glowing?  

My chest feel like I think it should if someone stabbed me?

Okay, so being stabbed is probably worse... but it feels pretty painful. 

Earlier this morning I felt constipated.  

Just a minute ago, I had to RUN to the bathroom.  

Feels like I just put everything I ate for the last week in there.  

Okay, okay... exaggerating again.  

But really.  

When will it feel like my body makes sense?  

Will there ever be a time again where I am not constantly bombarded with how my body is feeling?  

 

I am so grateful for the understanding that this site has given me. 

That I have hope that, truly, I can make it through this. 

That there IS a reason for the way that I feel. 

And that I can come out the other side. 

Live life again.  

And enjoy it.  

 

But man, sometimes... 

 

Keep trudging.  

Such a good way to put it.  

Today.  Today is a day I will trudge through. 

Looking forward, in hope, for a day I can run and dance again.  

Sigh.  

[Rosetta]

Yes, you put into words so well what a roller coaster this recovery can be.  You will come out of this.  You will look back and think "Wow, I made it through!"  For now, you can only accept your limitations and wait for the pain to go.  I'm trying to walk every day, get sunlight and eat more often and more healthy food.  I fail at doing those things when I'm in a wave.

 

If I feel very bad, sitting in sunlight or walking can have a quick effect.  Drinking a lot of water can help, too.

 

Peace, Rosetta

 

[Waterfall]

7 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Yes, you put into words so well what a roller coaster this recovery can be.  You will come out of this.  You will look back and think "Wow, I made it through!"  For now, you can only accept your limitations and wait for the pain to go.  I'm trying to walk every day, get sunlight and eat more often and more healthy food.  I fail at doing those things when I'm in a wave.

 

If I feel very bad, sitting in sunlight or walking can have a quick effect.  Drinking a lot of water can help, too.

 

Peace, Rosetta

 

 

Thanks, as always, Rosetta.  

Definitely looking forward to the 'Wow, I made it through!".  

 

All of today has been rough. 

But I just went for a walk. 

With my daughter. 

To collect some money for something at school. 

It wasn't terribly wrong.  

But yikes. 

I just held the money and the papers in my hand. 

When I came back my hand was cramped so bad. 

And I was shivering. 

It was raining, but we were mostly out of the rain. 

And it's only 8 degree, so it's not like it's -that- cold. 

But I was all shivery. 

And now my hand hurts so bad. 

And all the ends of my fingers are numb. 

And the top of my lip is kinda tingly/numb. 

My throat hurts.  I now have a headache.  

Any time I touch something, or something touches me, it hurts. 

Everything I do, hurts.  

It's so FRUSTRATING!!  

 

I'm actually glad I'm typing this, 

because while my fingers are still numb and tingly, 

the stiffness that I felt in them is getting less as I type. 

I think the tingling is still getting worse, maybe, 

perhaps because of the contact with the keyboard,

which is providing stimulation to my confused nerves. 

 

The symptoms themselves are bad enough. 

I just wish that I could stop worrying about them. 

And obsessing about them.  

 

Deep breath.  

 

Instead of thinking, this feels like it will last forever. 

Or, I don't feel like I can handle this!

I need to think, I will get through this.  

 

Another deep breath. 

 

I came across a couple papers the other day. 

I must have got them some time ago, when I took an anxiety course. 

It was about anxiety specifically, but I found it useful, anxiety or not. 

The one was about the panic cycle, I think.  

The other was about the progress of a panic attack. 

Anyway, whatever it was they said, it reminded me. 

That panic attacks, are waves, of a sort. 

And they are temporary. 

Somewhere on one of them, was a statement. 

It said that the worst of a panic attack is over in the first ten minutes. 

Or something like that. 

The exact time, the exact phrasing is unimportant to me right now. 

What was important was the reminder,

that as long as we don't keep feeding it, 

the panic passes.  

 

As long as I don't keep withdrawing from drugs. 

Eventually this too, shall pass. 

While most of the people around me think I should take more drugs. 

There are some who don't.  

I have one friend who recommended to me some of the information from DNRS.  

Dynamic Nueroblahblahblah. 

From what I can understand, much of it is about changing the way we think. 

Restructuring.  That's the word I was looking for. 

Restructuring the brain. 

DNRS or not, I'm working right now. 

Tiny bits at a time. 

But I'm trying to change the way I think. 

I've realized just how negative I've been. 

I wasn't always this way. 

But I think negatively a lot. 

I'm trying to add just a little positivity here and there. 

Trying to remember what feeling positive feels like. 

 

That, and I'm trying to treat myself well. 

I'm trying to get enough sleep. 

I'm trying to eat regularly.  

Trying to eat healthier things. 

Though I have to agree with you, Rosetta, 

when I'm in a bad wave, like now, I eat more of the things I should not. 

And less of the things that I probably should.  

Settling down to bed gets harder. 

Cortisol spikes wake you in the morning. 

Sigh. 

I'm discouraging myself again. 

Oh, but I -am- sore. 

 

And today was supposed to be a nice day. 

It's a dutch thing, I think. 

But today is, for my husband and I, our 12 1/2 year anniversary of our wedding. 

Halfway to 25 years.  

Hopefully I'll feel better on our 25th anniversary. 

I still have something to look forward to, though. 

Tonight, once the kids are all asleep, which hopefully is soon. 

Perhaps I shouldn't even be having them... 

But we've saved some chocolates, 

And we're going to watch a show together.  

Here's to a quiet hour, before sleep.  

Good night. 

 

May your trudging, 

your surfing, 

your waves, 

and your windows, 

be a journey worth making. 

In rain, 

and in sunshine, 

through snow, 

and storm.  

May you take joy

in the journey. 

 

Waterfall.  

 

[Rosetta]

I hope you had a nice evening with your husband.

[Waterfall]

Windows.  Oh, windows are nice. 

 

Had a terrible cortisol spike at 5:00 this morning.  

Felt just awful this morning.  Barely got out of bed at all.  

Wasn't sure how I would ever make it through this day. 

 

And yet somehow, this afternoon... 

I felt alright.  

I sang, and I didn't feel like I was going to collapse. 

My knee didn't hurt too bad today. 

I even went for a walk in the sunshine!

 

A glimpse at what the world outside this awful tunnel looks and feels like. 

A break from the racing thoughts, where I looked around and thought, huh... so this is life.  Sweet.  

 

Yes.  Life.  Life is... sweet.  

I"m glad I got to taste it today. 

 

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.  

[Waterfall]

12 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I hope you had a nice evening with your husband.

 

Thanks, Rosetta.  It wasn't much, but yes, it was nice.  I hope you've had a nice weekend too.  

Even if you had no extra special anything today, hopefully life by itself was special today.  

I had a window today.  I hope you've been able to taste the sweeter side of life too.  

 

Waterfall.  

[Waterfall]

Well.  

Today is awful.  

 

I've done some more reading around the sight.  

I'm both encouraged, and discouraged.  

Enlightened, but confused. 

 

I'm trying to make a commitment to record my symptoms better.  

So, here goes.

 

Hmm... I was going to start with yesterday, but I already have trouble remembering.  

Woke up a bit early.  

No significant cortisol spike.  

Sensitive to light.  

Morning, extreme sleepiness.  Napped in my chair. 

Afternoon: Was able to do very little.  

After school: Stood for a while holding scissors and comb while my Mom did haircuts.  Very sore. 

  Shoulders, legs, back, arms, all sore.  Bit of a headache.  

Very, very tired.  

Wasn't able to go to the bathroom all day, despite feeling I needed to. 

 

Now, today.  

Woke up with a bad cortisol spike.  

Hand and legs all tingly.  Mid-level anxiety.

Very sore and very tense today. 

Somewhat shaky.  Some muscle spasms. 

Struggling with a bit of diarrhea this morning.  

Bad cramps.  (Pms, or related to the diarrhea?)

Tongue hurts.  

Disturbances to smell and vision.  

Mentally a little slow.  Mildly foggy.  

Feeling cold.  Stiff.  

 

[Waterfall]

Have a headache now.  

Mostly back of my head

Shivers and shakes as well

Still very tense.  

Chest pain as well  

And cramps

 

Wondering if it will help to drink more. 

So, having a drink of warm water.  

 

Just came back from the bathroom.  Again.  

[Waterfall]

I was supposed to go out this morning.  Ha!  Not happening.  

Must go out later today.  Not sure how that's going to work.  

Not sure how I'm going to make it to parent teacher interviews tomorrow either. 

Trying not to think about it too much yet.  It's not tomorrow.  I may feel better tomorrow. 

 

My son is supposed to be toilet training.  

Right now, I can't say I've contributed a lot.  : P  

Doesn't help that he thinks that if he puts some yellow liquid in the toilet (or his pull-up), 

means he went poop.  

That's almost funny.  

If I had any energy to laugh right now.  

 

Outside, in my backyard (which is probably -smaller- than a postage stamp). 

There is a beer can.  Floating around.  In the puddle. 

That's sits in the middle of the bag.  That is around the tire.

That is supposed to go on my van this week.  

Was supposed to be today too.  Ha!  Not happening.  

[Waterfall]

Wow.  This is the worst day I've had in a long time. 

My finger tips all hurt.  

Sensitive to touch.  And kinda numb.  

The intermittent weird smell in my nose is a new symptom, newly occurring over the last few days.  

 

Was just trying to play a little dinky game, which I often do to relax.  

Felt my panic/anxiety rising.  

So I stopped and switched to something else.  

It was just a little puzzle game, you had to point light from lasers, using mirrors, etc, to reach certain points. 

Apparently that's too much for my brain right now.  

 

: (  

[Rosetta]

Hugs, Waterfall.  I know the feeling.  Can you watch a mindless show?  I'm watch StarTrek the Next Generation.  It's pretty annoying actually.  Funny that I ever liked it, but it's something silly that rarely triggers more anxiety.  Voyager is much better if you haven't seen that in a while. 

 

I'm sorry you feel so bad.  

 

-Rosetta

[Waterfall]

  Heehee.   
Oh, Star Trek.  

My husband and I ended up discussing TNG vs. Voyager.  

I first watched Voyager with my brother in my teens. 

My husband was always fondest of The Next Generation.  

Wondering now what my son would think... 

 

But back to:
Tuesday.  

I felt really rough going out. 

Very shaky.  Sore.  Weak.  

Sometimes hard to think. 

Chest tight. 

Improved a bit later in the day. 

Mid-afternoon, I felt not too bad, but I was just -melting- hot.  

Braved through it, and it went away again.  

Got home feeling alright, until I stopped in the garage, 

where it felt like all my muscles were still moving.  Tingling and popping/twitching.  

Don't remember too much else significant about the day. 

 

Wednesday. 

Had to go to parent teacher interviews. 

Woke up with a much milder cortisol spike.  

Actually did pretty well.  

Bit of a headache yesterday.  And soreness. 

But I actually felt half normal yesterday.  

Even rode around on my bike a little bit yesterday afternoon.  In the sunshine. 

Until I tried to help my son learn to ride his bike without training wheels. 

Then my legs felt so sore. 

Not sure exactly what time, but I fell asleep in my chair again for a while.  

 

Thursday. 

Today I am very sore again.  

My fingers tips are all extra sensitive and tingly.  

As are my toes.  

Really annoying.  I wish I knew why they do that.  

I used to think they only went numb/tingly in the middle of a panic attack. 

I didn't eat breakfast on time today, which probably didn't help things.  

Oh, and I almost forgot!  My sense of smell.. 

For several years now, I've told people my sense of smell doesn't work very well. 

I smell strong things, like gas at the gas station, or a stinky diaper, etc.  

But I didn't notice smells too much. 

Lately, on a somewhat intermittent basis, I smell all sorts of things. 

But my body goes, 'A smell!  Ah!!!  It's out to kill me!'  

Sometimes, I'm pretty sure, especially under stress, I think, my nose comes up with smell or sensation that isn't actually there.  

I think.  

But anyway, this particular new symptom/development, is particularly unhelpful, 

when I'm going to move into a freshly painted, carpeted, renovated room.  

Plus we have to do some painting, etc, to our house to get it to sell well.  

Not looking forward to it. 

Though how I felt yesterday, has me feeling a little more hopeful.  

That's twice in one week that I felt almost a little half normal for a little while.  

If only the spots in between weren't so hard.  

Sorry... this is devolving from the symptom list it's supposed to be.  

My lower back hurt/spasmed really bad earlier.  

My knee is hurting badly again today.  

Bit of a headache again.  

Ah yes... reminder to self to drink more!  

I was going to say that chest pain was a bit better, 

but it just panged me, to remind me that it's still there.  

 

Oh, if only my life weren't so busy right now.  

One step.  One hour.  One day at a time.  

Can't go any faster. 

Or slower.  

Ride them waves... 

And skip the haircut.  Maybe.  

I look awful.  

Okay, more like, I look like a wild lady!  

But there is sunshine out today!  

I -like- sunshine!  

Except when it feels too bright, and my eyes hurt.  

And it makes my headache worse.  

Hmmm....

Whatever.  

Life goes on. 

We'll see what it holds for us today. 

Hopefully these numb fingers get better soon.  

And my knee settles down again.

 

Getting repetitive.  Time to go.  

Here's hoping everyone sees some sunshine today!  

[Waterfall]

Sometimes reading other people's threads is encouraging.  

But sometimes it's so terrifying.  

I'm trying to get to know more people here. 

But sometimes I can't help but be afraid.  

[Rosetta]

54 minutes ago, Waterfall said:

Sometimes reading other people's threads is encouraging.  

But sometimes it's so terrifying.  

I'm trying to get to know more people here. 

But sometimes I can't help but be afraid.  

 

I know.  I have to be very careful and avoid reading indiscriminately.  Remembering that everyone's journey is different helps.  I also wonder if the person might have been exposed to something that caused a worsening (or took a rescue dose).  It makes me worry about everything I put in my body, but it makes me even more sure that no drug is safe for me.

[Waterfall]

 

Yesterday afternoon, in the middle of my relaxing time, 

I suddenly felt like I didn't feel like playing that game.

Or the next game I tried.

Or anything.   

Blah.

 

I've been trying to avoid sugar more,

because I think it doesn't help how I feel, to eat it.

The last two days my husband gave me dessert with supper,

and last night, i had a terrible sleep,

because I woke up in the middle of the night SO hungry.

But I was too tired to get up and eat something.

My usual trick of drinking something didn't even help at all.

 

And this morning I brought our cat away,

because she can't come to our new house.

I thought I was okay with the decision, 

but I talked to my Mom, who said maybe I should keep her,

and this morning, I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried.

I didn't even know I could cry like that.

 

At first I was kinda glad that I cried. 

I was thinking, crying is good for you, right?

And then I was worried that the grief would damage me more.

And render me unable to cope.

 

I've been a bit of a wreck the rest of the day.

My right leg, my knee, my hip, and my shoulder all hurt badly.

I have a bit of a headache again as well.

 

Trying to remember how to stay positive, and ride out the lows.

Being in pain is not helping.

 

I wonder if I'll cry again when I have to tell the kids about the cat.  

 

[Rosetta]

I'm so sorry, Waterfall.  -- Rosetta

[Waterfall]

So yesterday was rough.  

Couldn't stop thinking I saw the cat out of the corner of my eye. 

Couldn't stop waiting for her to come to the door, begging to come in. 

Couldn't stop imagining her, in her usual places. 

Couldn't stop thinking about her, period. 

In the end, I had a really hard time falling asleep last night. 

Probably fell asleep close to 12:30am last night.  

 

This morning, I woke up early with a very bad cortisol spike. About 5:50am  

Worst I've had in a long while.  

Laid in bed for a while yet.  Not sure if I slept any more, but my fitbit is convinced I did.  

Also felt like my stomach was so empty it was trying to carve out my insides.  

But when I got up, I didn't feel like eating anything.  It was weird.  

Also first couldn't go when I got up, and then had the runs.  Again.  

Had to drag myself through much of the day.  

Had a sore throat again today. 

Sore.  Shaky.  

Took a nap this afternoon in my chair.  

The sort of, I'm so tired sitting here, I can't help it, kind of nap.  

 

But, lo and behold, a few minutes ago, I suddenly found myself singing a song! 

I've had a lot of songs marching, unbidden, and unrelenting in my head recently.  

But this one was interesting, because it was this one: 

'Oh what a beautiful morning.  Oh what a beautiful day.  
I've got a wonderful feeling, everything's going my way!'
Like, woah!  Where did that come from?  

I don't know the last time I ever heard, or thought of that song. 

Years, most likely.  So where did that come from?  

It made me feel cheerful, just to think it.  

Cheerful.  Can you believe that?  Like, where did that come from?!  

 

Also interesting to note, that today is Day 1.  
I have noticed lately that I do tend to have tougher days right before a cycle.  

So I'm going to start recording that as well.  

Got the idea from someone else I know.  

 

Oh, also interesting... 

I can't remember which days anymore, 

but I have also had nightmares.  Usually in the early morning, ending when I wake up. 

Leaves me with a horrible feeling of distress when I wake up.  

But thankfully I didn't have one this morning.  

This morning was tough enough without one.  

 

But hey... 

let's get back to that song.  I liked that feeling... 
Although, stupid thought here... 

But sometimes now I'm afraid of feeling happy, 

because I'm afraid of turning manic.  Is that dumb?  

 

Okay.  Going now. 

Hope you all see some sunshine today!

[Waterfall]

22 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I'm so sorry, Waterfall.  -- Rosetta

Thank you. Rosetta.  

[Rosetta]

24 minutes ago, Waterfall said:

But sometimes now I'm afraid of feeling happy, 

because I'm afraid of turning manic.  Is that dumb?  

 

No, not dumb.  I have the same problem, but I've been manic on too much Zoloft so I can tell the difference.  I sometimes wonder how far it will go, and have the slightest worry it will get out of hand.  It's been a long time since I felt that.  Even if it happens I'm pretty sure that it will stop rather quickly as my moods are all over the place and never stay the same for long.  - R

[RealMe]

On 3/28/2018 at 4:07 PM, Waterfall said:

Sometimes I worry about what my baseline is going to be after I recover some. 

I just talked with someone who's never been on anything, and she has struggles too. 

But I can't help thinking, struggle though it may be, I wish I could go back to before. 

Before I'd ever taken anything.  

Hard as it may have been, there's no comparison to the 'after'.  

I have the same concerns, Waterfall.  I have no idea what my baseline will be.  I am working on acceptance of things as they are on a daily basis.  I know my behavior is so much improved, and I seem to be able to better tolerate some symptoms that drove me up the wall a short time ago. I often think about the suffering I felt at the time I agreed to take psychiatric medications, and they pale in comparison to the effects of the meds.  When I wish I could have toughed out my pre-medication symptoms, I turn those thoughts toward the idea that I have a new opportunity to learn how to deal.  Best of healing to you, Waterfall!

RM

[Waterfall]

On 4/22/2018 at 4:09 PM, RealMe said:

I have the same concerns, Waterfall.

Thank you, RealMe for stopping by.  

I really appreciate knowing I'm not the only one feeling this way.  

Facing these same fears.  

 

It's been a really rough week.  

But.. 

It's weird.  

The last few days have been some of the hardest I've ever done. 

Why do I also feel kinda good?  I've never felt this bad and good at the same time. 

Sometimes I'm panicking.  Sometimes jittery.  Anxious.  

Almost always sore.  Frequently kinda dizzy or off balance.  

Struggle with feeling weak and shaky. Chest pain. Back pain. Joint pain.  

But I seem at the moment to be renewing my joy in singing.  

I've been having a harder time relaxing.  Harder time getting to sleep. 

Cortisol spikes that wake me up in the early morning.  

My hands and feet have been tingling badly.  Worst I think I've had yet.  

Sometimes my teeth even hurt.  That's been really bad the last couple days.  

Not sure if I'm getting an infection in my gums or something.  May have to look into that.  

So why do I actually feel some positive emotions in the middle of this?  

I feel discouraged.  Hopeful.  Irritable.  Excited.  Terrified.  Sick.  And just plain... weird.  

 

Trying to:

Drink more water.  

Eat more often.  And healthier... mostly.  

Measure my pills more accurately. 

Accept.  

Visualize waves of healing washing over me.  

Get more sleep (ha! not working so well at the moment, but I'm trying!) 

 

Oh, suddenly remembered something.  I was going to ask a few questions:
Just in case I find I need to go to the dentist, anyone know how to survive that? 

I've been terrified of dentists since I was small.  Had many bad experiences. 

Especially because freezing doesn't work properly on me.  

Last year I went for sedation dentistry.  Worked like a charm.  

But since I've been hypersensitive to all (that I know of) drugs and supplements... 

Could I still do that?  Anybody know what would happen?  

Anybody have any advice for ways to get through dental work for me?  

I still have to get two of my wisdom teeth extracted.

And if one of them is getting infected, I may not have a choice but to do it soon.  

 

Other questions:
Can anyone tell me what 'tolerance' is?  

How about oppositional tolerance?  

 

Uh oh.  Have to run.  Crying, screaming children... 

[Waterfall]

See?  Weird.  

Up.  And then down. 

I was feeling almost cheerful a few minutes ago. 

Dealt with my son calmly.  

Did a few other things.  

Was in the middle of emptying the dishwasher.  

Aaaaand...now I am panicking.  And shaky. 

And I need to sit down and regroup. 

I feel like I'm starving.  

And cold.  No hot.  

No... I have no idea what I'm feeling.  

But it's awful.  

What in the world is happening to me now?  

Time to sit for a few minutes and try do something calm.  

 

[Rosetta]

This is normal.  It's crazy, insane, mindboggling, but normal.  Sorry you are having to go through this.

[Waterfall]

22 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

This is normal.  It's crazy, insane, mindboggling, but normal.  Sorry you are having to go through this.

 

Thanks, Rosetta.  Knowing it's normal, helps.  It's not easy.  But it helps.  

I hope you're doing better too.  I haven't been to your thread in a few days.  

[RealMe]

49 minutes ago, Waterfall said:

Just in case I find I need to go to the dentist, anyone know how to survive that? 

I've been terrified of dentists since I was small.  Had many bad experiences. 

Especially because freezing doesn't work properly on me.  

Last year I went for sedation dentistry.  Worked like a charm.  

But since I've been hypersensitive to all (that I know of) drugs and supplements... 

Could I still do that?  Anybody know what would happen?  

Anybody have any advice for ways to get through dental work for me?  

I still have to get two of my wisdom teeth extracted.

And if one of them is getting infected, I may not have a choice but to do it soon.  

 

Other questions:
Can anyone tell me what 'tolerance' is?  

How about oppositional tolerance?  

Hi Waterfall,

So sorry you are having such a hard time.  I don't know about tolerance or oppositional tolerance, but I did have a tooth extracted and an implant put in on April 6th.  The oral surgeon gave me novocaine shots so I didn't feel the procedure (just the shots which were very quick).  I prayed my way through it and survived.  Then I took ibuprofen for a few days and an antibiotic for 6 days, and it's healing nicely.  I was afraid, but it had to be done.  I've been a lot more afraid of a lot less due to my depressing, anxiety and withdrawal from ADs.  Maybe you could decide to just make an appointment with your dentist.  Then you could just have him take a look.  Then you could just talk things over, not do anything else unless you want to.  Just take small steps.  First, think about it for a while.  Then, when you are ready, you can decide to make the call.  Then make the phone call, but only when you are ready.  You don't have to do anything else for now.  You have lots of choices, but you won't know what they are until you check them out.

xo RM

[Rabe]

Hi Waterfall,

Love your name...water speaks silently but so loudly at the same time...I find it can bring peace. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I have been tapering Clonazepam...too rapidly at times...have been holding since September.  Wanted you to know that I feel like a yo yo most of the time. Happy hen sobbing,

clear then foggy, settled then anxious, sitting then pacing, able to get out and see family then unable to walk blocks for groceries, no joint

or muscle pain then hardly able to walk, steady walking then feeling drunk, eyes ok then vision all screwy.  I kept trying to find a reason for each

change...food, sleep, walks, medications, etc.  I have read a few more things here recently about neuro emotions and it was so helpful...I felt like I'm right where 

I probably ought to be at this point, which was reassuring, even though I'd rather not be at this point.  I will say I have a little more of those ok times of the day which

is hopeful.  The hardest thing for me is not being able to be there for my children and their families the way I used to be...but trying to accept that as well.  If you can read the things on neuro damage etc it might help.  I hope things settle a bit for you.  Clonazepam gave me some wonderful panic free years but it sure has shown its true colors.  Take care!!!!  I will be thinking about you!  

[Waterfall]

Tonight, I am enduring one of the worst times ever.

I feel so week, so tense, so tremulous, so.. awful in ways I don't even know how to describe.  It feels like I can't possibly survive this.  

I want to cry, but the tears won't come.  

Strangely... I think I look normal.  My heart feels like it's pounding sometimes, but my heart rate is normal.  I'm talking and acting normal,

But I feel dizzy and weak, and it's like my insides are screaming, 

at me, but I don't know what they are saying.  

I wear a Fitbit, and for the last several nights I've gotten almost no

deep sleep.

 

I can't help but wonder.

Is this a 'normal' wave?

Is the because of my Clonazepam fluctuations?

Is this my body trying to tell me to stop taking it?

 

I've been in a similar state twice before.

A tension, a near constant panic-like state.

Both times, I only got it out of it by taking Clonazepam.

What do I do now?

 

I want to thank you for your kind words Rabe.

They actually helped me tonight.  

Maybe I can feel this awful and still survive.

Maybe it will get better again soon.

[Waterfall]

Last night was terrible. 

Went to sleep feeling like I was dying.  I was just so tense.  So weak.  

Felt like non-stop panic... while I was calm.  If that makes any sense.  

Woke up at 4:00 with a really bad cortisol spike.  

Kept spiking off and on for the rest of the night. 

Around 5, I got up and forced in a bit of cashew milk and a slice of baloney, 

to try and calm down my stomach acid.  Felt kinda like I was starving, but not, I guess. 

Trying to walk to the bathroom when I got up, around 8:00, I was so dizzy, I almost couldn't get there.  

Had the runs when I got there.  Also really nauseated.   

Took all day so far to force down a banana.  

Have been shaky, tense, and panicky all the rest of the day so far. 

Feel so weak I can hardly walk.  So jittery, I can hardly sit still.  

Trying to just relax.  

My chest hurts really badly.  Lower left side.  

Terrified to take my clonazepam, in case it's making things worse. 

Terrified not to take it, in case -that- would make things worse.  

Last fall I had cortisol spikes in response to trying to reinstate citalopram.  

I'm afraid that this current spike in spikes, is a reaction to my clonazepam. 

Of course, if I stop now and try to reinstate as well, then I'm almost certain to react to it then. 

But am I reacting to it now already?  Is this what they call tolerance?  Or poop-out?  

Or just hypersensitivity?  

I know that when I reacted to the citalopram it was one of the worst things I ever experienced.  

I was SO jittery.  It was nearly more than I can endure.  

Last night was already nearly more than I could endure.  

How do I keep going?  

How do I improve things?  

How do I survive this?  

I'm pretty sure I'll survive... 

But right now it feels like this is killing me.  

I feel like saying sorry, but I don't know what for.  

 

 

[Waterfall]

A little on the late side, but I took my pill after all. 

1/4 of a 0.25 mg clonazepam.  

I'm so afraid that taking it,

is actually what is making me feel so bad right now. 

But I'm trying to remind myself, that it's probably not. 

I've been taking it for a while now. 

And I'll probably do much more harm than good, 

if I try and suddenly cut it out entirely.  

The stress response I currently have is probably 

because I am moving this coming week. 

And there is a lot to get done.  A lot that is changing. 

I'm excited about it.  But it's still a change

 

Went for a drive with my brother.  

He is great.  

And he definitely helped me to feel a bit better. 

Still don't know how I'm going to keep going forward. 

But I'm going to take it one step, one minute, at a time.  

 

 

[Waterfall]

Had a bad dizzy spell this afternoon. 

Sat quietly for a while.  

Drank a bunch of water.  

Feeling a bit better.  

Just feel really cold.  Brrrr.  

And my chest still hurts.  

Hopefully tonight is better than last night.  

[Waterfall]

Sigh.  

Having my third bout of bad dizziness today.

This sucks.

I hope it will go away again!