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Morgane

Withdrawal from Invega/Risperdal - Morgane

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Morgane

 

 

A few months ago, I was asked to write my success story if I had recovered from withdrawal but then I started wondering what success story really means. Did I succeed in withdrawing from Lormetazepam and Invega by switching to Risperdal? Yes, I did. (See topic 'Morgane tapered of Invega'). Out of precaution, though, I would like to add ‘for now’.

 

Life can be very tricky and may lead you into some weird situations. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring, will I ever be on drugs again if the situation calls for it? I do not know and therefore remains an open question…

 

No matter how hard the process of going through a personal and spiritual crisis and withdrawing from an antipsychotic drug and benzodiazepine, I came to realise that along the way I was blessed with a wealth of insight and understanding of the deeper meaning of life opening up the gift of empathy.

 

I never really saw the so-called hell I was going through as being caused by the drugs/withdrawal symptoms, since I mainly suffered mentally and spiritually and therefore came to see it in the light of being tested in strength, courage and perseverance and being saved from the self-destructive path I had been walking for many years.

 

Some time ago, I wrote the following as an introductory (which I didn’t use yet) to the showing of the Crazywise film that I would like to share with you. May it make you laugh and give you courage never to give up knowing that you are never alone and being Watched Over.

 

I hope that you don’t mind my reading from a piece of paper because during the entire process my brain suffered immensely and my memory is not anymore what it used to be. If it bothers you, simply close your eyes.

 

First of all, I would like to tell you something about my life story. ‘Oh my’, I already hear someone thinking. Don’t worry, I will keep it short and light. I simply hope that I won’t stumble too much over my own words and if you may wonder why, it will soon be clear to you.

 

When I look at you all, I see people with a life story (whether you are young or old, black or white, rich or poor) who came here today to watch the Crazywise film hoping to find answers to the questions that each one of you may have or struggles with. Now I hear people think: ‘I am not here for myself, you know, but for someone else.’ That’s fine by me but you may feel differently after having seen the film.

 

So my life story: It already began when I was still very little (so my mom told me). I used to climb things, jump off them but always falling on my head. You can imagine how things were shaken inside. I must have thought that I could fly but probably forgot how to do so (the flyers amongst you, be warned). When flying didn’t work, I decided to walk but apparently I learnt to walk on both hands instead of both feet. As I grew older, it felt as if someone was walking beside me. I didn’t understand, however, who that was and what the voice was telling me.

 

It went like this:

 

-        Wouldn’t you rather walk on your feet?

-        Why? I learnt to walk on my hands and that works pretty well.

-        There is a pit further on. You will have to jump and use your feet to get over it.

-        I can do that on my hands as well. Look, I learnt how to jump on both hands.

 

Having reached the pit, hop, and over it on both hands... Except that I didn’t have enough bounce in my hands and, bam, into the pit. So the only thing I could do was to climb out of it on both hands and feet and to continue on my hands again.

 

-        There is a bump...

 

You know the kind of bumps they used to build in the streets. If you flew over it by car, you were to go home like the Flintstones.

 

-        It would be easier on your feet.

-        I will manage on both hands. And yep, over it on my hands. You see?

 

A little further on:

 

-        We are nearing a mountain and I really advise you to use your feet.

-        I have learnt to keep my balance pretty well by now, so that won’t be a problem.

 

But the mountain appeared to be higher and more difficult than I had imagined. You will probably recognize it: up a little, then down a little, up a little again, then much lower… taking a deep breath and continuing with renewed courage… to finally crawl over it on both hands and feet.

 

-        There you go, ready to move on.  

-        There is a tree and you can walk around it on your feet.

-        No problem, the tree will get out of the way. Hmm, the tree doesn’t seem to move and I didn’t learn how to walk sideways on both hands yet. So I will crawl around it on both hands and feet. Crawling  

         on both hands and feet… I learnt how to do that pretty well by now.

 

In the distance it looked as if I was seeing a wall. You probably know that: Am I seeing right or am I seeing wrong?  

 

-        It’s probably a mirage or a fata morgana, as they call it. Hmm, didn’t my mom name me Morgane?

 

The closer I got, the more obvious it became that it was indeed a wall. Tired and exhausted of the long way I had already traveled, I arrived at the wall but didn’t have the faintest idea how to get over it. I fell through my arms with tears in my eyes. I was at my wit’s end. I silently prayed and asked for strength to get over it.

 

-        If you like, I will remove the wall but then you will have to learn how to walk on both feet.

-        Alright, from now on I will walk on both feet.

 

You can imagine that it is not so easy to walk on both feet after having walked on both hands for more than 40 years. So for awhile it went like this:

 

-        You are walking on your hands...

-        Ah yes, walking on my feet...

-        Your feet...

-        Yes, yes, on my feet...

-        Your...

-        Yes, my feet... I see, my feet...

 

And voilà, I was able to walk on my feet, still a bit shaky but it went quite nicely. Needless to say that the view is completely different when all of a sudden you walk on your feet. First with my head down and close to the ground, now with my head up and high in the air.

 

So I started to admire everything from high up above but in the meantime forgot that I was walking Mother Earth on my feet. Until at some point: tumbling into an abyss. There I was lying, not being sure that even on both hands and feet I would ever be able to climb out of it.  

 

When you relate all these obstacles to life situations I got myself into and the people involved (with a lot of pain, sorrow, fear... for everyone) you can imagine that these experiences were not always nice, to say the least.  Time had come to review the past, to look at the path that I had traveled so far for almost half a century (My, that sounds long, doesn’t it? I’d better say almost 50 years, it sounds as if it were yesterday). Humanly speaking, it required a lot of energy (as in blood, sweat and tears), courage, perseverance and time but I have come to the point where I am at peace with the past. I am very greatfull for the insights, the life lessons that I have learnt so far and the new path that I envision to walk from now on (be it probably still through trial and error).

Isn’t that the reason why we are born? To find our own way in life (through trial and error and the life lessons that we learn from it depending on the choices that we make) so that we finally reach the point where we are blessed and remember us who we are and why we are here for?

 

So don’t despair but find and see a higher reason for and meaning of your suffering.  

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiDpIaXQDrI

 

Blessed we are to dance on this ground with the rhythm of saints to carry the sound.

We hold a prayer for the Earth, for the ones yet to come - May you walk in beauty and remember your song.
Remember why you came here.
Remember your life is sacred.
Remember why you came here, remember this life is sacred.

 

 

 

 

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ChessieCat

Hi there,

 

The staff at SA are wondering how you are.  We'd love to hear how you are doing now.   Would you mind dropping by and giving an update?

 

Thanks.

CC

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Morgane

Hi ChessieCat,

 

I am doing fine. It will be three years in April that I managed to taper off Risperdal. I also succeeded in tapering off Lorametazepam about a year and a half ago.

 

It has been quite a journey of self-reflection and understanding the deeper meaning of life. It has been a very rough road wondering if I would ever be able to get off the rollercoaster. I finally did through strength, courage and perseverance. This would not have been possible without the help of a few people and Spirit World. JanCarol is one of them. If it wasn’t for her, I would have shut down for the rest of my life. She found a tiny opening to help me open up my heart. My psychiatrist was one of them as well. Although she didn’t know how to help me, her support was all I needed. It’s a year now since our last appointment.

 

2017 was a very intense year due to the death of my mom and the loss of my job, albeit with mutual consent. 2018 brought light to my life when I went on a journey to an Indian reservation and the birth of two grandchildren. On my journey someone said to me: ‘Morgane, you should write a book.’ The only thoughts that came to mind were: ‘I am not a writer, I don’t know how to write and I certainly don’t have the memory for it.’ Back home, inspiration came and the idea to write a book fell into place. I want to share the experiences of the past thirteen years of my life as a testimony to never give up hope and have faith. I would also like to start a support group in my neighborhood for people who are labeled as psychotic, schizophrenic… you name it... but one step at the time.

 

That’s it in a nutshell. Feel free to ask questions.

 

Morgane

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Altostrata

What a wonderful update, thank you, Morgane!

 

Yes, our dear @JanCarol is a treasure.

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