tezza: risperdal withdrawal

[Nikki]

Tezza I was looking at the site and saw your name and said let me see how she is.  I remember when I first came on this site we would chat in the early mornings.  You were so kind to me.

 

I am sorry for the upset in your life recently.  I must have scared you.  Please whatever you do - don't be hard on yourself.  You wouldn't do that to anyone else.

 

If this is what needed to be done then so be it.  You are feeling better and have stabilized and you needed to.

 

You have so many friends here.  I promise to check in with you. 

 

Tezza....I will tell you this so you won't fee so alone....My daughter has been very sick with her autoimmune disease.  It created a tremendous state of anxiety which spiraled into epic proportions.  It feeds on itself.  In order to stop the cycle. I had to give her Xanax and 10mgs. Imipramine which she used to take.  It made all the difference in the world.  She tapered Imipramine over 18 months back.

 

Sometimes we just have to do what we have to do.  She stabilized over night.  She is still a bit weak, but getting stronger.

 

You are not alone. 

 

Hugs

[tezza]

Thank you for reading and replying, Nikki. I remember when we used to chat in the mornings. I felt a connection with you (and Barb, too).

 

Truthfully, I'm not yet fully stabilized. My mood is up and down but I'm getting there, I think. I practiced being cheerful because it seemed like people wanted nothing to do with someone that was always down (and talking about WD). I don't blame anyone for feeling that way, it's completely understandable.

 

I got so good at pretending to be happy but I wasn't being honest with my own self. I still do it to an extent. My DH notices (even on the phone). I do feel happier at times but I don't know if it's mania or real.

 

Joyce Meyer is on TV right now, talking about self condemnation. God is so good to me and so REAL to me. I have thought that someone was calling whatever channel I was listening to on the TV or radio and telling them what to say to me. I thought it again yesterday for a while.

 

I don't know why but it irritated me yesterday because I thought whoever was doing it was laughing at me. It has to be God talking to me through them. Every program talks about things like depression, peace of mind and back pain, arthritis, glaucoma and even tinnitus.

 

I'm sorry your daughter has been through so much but it's good that she stabilizes quickly. My daughter has anxiety issues and it hurts us to see our children go through the battles of the mind, whatever they may be.

 

I hope your daughter stays well. Thank you for still caring enough to check on me.

 

Hugs and love,

T

[alex]

My heart and thoughts are with you dear Teeza.

 

Hugs,A.

[tezza]

Thank you Alex, many hugs to you!

[Nikki]

Tezza whenever I watch Joyce Meyers or Joel Osteen it their messages always seem to be just what I need to hear.  You are not alone here.  We all have the same human frailties and so their messages  hit home for so many people. 

 

Joel Osteen's books are particularly uplifting. 

 

Did the Remeron taper affect you?  Tapering can have such adverse effects on so many of us which is why I asked.

 

What counts now is that you are starting to feel better.  No judgements.  Just feeling better.

 

I will continue to check in on you......you can PM me anytime.

 

PS it takes guts to share what was happening like Barb said.  Your honesty is a blessing to all of us.

[tezza]

Thank you, Nikki! I'm having a hard time stabilizing. I'm not sure if it was the Remeron taper or the very low dose of Risperdal that I'd gotten to.

 

I really don't feel well, mentally.

[Karma]

Hi Tezza,

 

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through.  There is no judgement.  We love you.  You had to do what you had to do.  As you start to stabilize we will support you in adjusting and getting to a balanced place.  Just because things didn't work out and you had to take a step back doesn't mean that you are a failure. 

 

I'm sorry I haven't been around, but I've been given some new opportunities at work and that is taking a lot of time.  I'm trying to stay off of the computer in the evening so that I'm not over-stimulated.  Consequently, I'm not on the forum as much as I used to be.

 

I'm sending you love, light, healing energy, strength and courage as you adjust to the your new normal and get back on track.

 

Karma

[tezza]

Thank you, Karma! I've missed those Karma hugs! I love you all, here, too! I hope to stabilize and stop having the weird thoughts and feelings so that I can be of help to the group. I feel really bad for getting so caught up in the 'propaganda' (that's what my son told me it was).

 

I should've been here instead of what I was seeing on FB and the news channel that I'd started watching. FB may be ok for some people, I don't mean to be down on it or anyone that uses it. It just got way out of control in my case.

 

You are all so sweet for understanding and not judging me for it. It spiraled down very fast after I lost my 'best friend'. She was my angel on earth. It was a big shock when she passed away. I'd talked to her until I went to bed that night and when I got up the next morning I got the call that she was gone. I loved her like a mother and she kept me in line like a mother would do. For the two years before she suddenly passed, i hardly went anywhere unless she was there. We went out to eat together and to church together. I cherish the time I had with her, she was a VERY special person, not just to me, but to many people.

 

Since January 2011, I lost three aunts, a cousin, a SIL, a BIL, three other friends, another best friend (the one that had COPD and died suddenly), as well as watching my brother die for three weeks at my house. Then my friend passed and her husband passed 98 days after she did. I started questioning whether any of them REALLY died.

 

Love you all!

[Barbarannamated]

Ohmygoodness, Tezza. I knew you had several losses, but was not aware of all of those. I had only two losses and often feel like I'm losing control completely. I just can't imagine the magnitude of the cumulative grief you're experiencing. I think anyone -- psych history or not -- could be pushed over the edge by all you've been through.

 

More hugs, my friend.

[btdt]

Thank you for reading and replying, Nikki. I remember when we used to chat in the mornings. I felt a connection with you (and Barb, too).

 

Truthfully, I'm not yet fully stabilized. My mood is up and down but I'm getting there, I think. I practiced being cheerful because it seemed like people wanted nothing to do with someone that was always down (and talking about WD). I don't blame anyone for feeling that way, it's completely understandable.

 

I got so good at pretending to be happy but I wasn't being honest with my own self. I still do it to an extent. My DH notices (even on the phone). I do feel happier at times but I don't know if it's mania or real.

 

Joyce Meyer is on TV right now, talking about self condemnation. God is so good to me and so REAL to me. I have thought that someone was calling whatever channel I was listening to on the TV or radio and telling them what to say to me. I thought it again yesterday for a while.

 

I don't know why but it irritated me yesterday because I thought whoever was doing it was laughing at me. It has to be God talking to me through them. Every program talks about things like depression, peace of mind and back pain, arthritis, glaucoma and even tinnitus.

 

I'm sorry your daughter has been through so much but it's good that she stabilizes quickly. My daughter has anxiety issues and it hurts us to see our children go through the battles of the mind, whatever they may be.

 

I hope your daughter stays well. Thank you for still caring enough to check on me.

 

Hugs and love,

T

Hi Tezza I don't know you yet but I do watch Joyce I will read your posts later.  I bought one of her books "you can begin again"  as I feel I need to do that start all over after a very long time being not ready still not sure I am ready but thought the book might help. So far since I bought it I have been ill and it has not been working for me maybe illness I will try it again when I am well. 

I just read your last post... oh my my heart goes out to you...have been dealing with a lot of loss too.  So sorry to read it I will catch up with you later I just wanted to say hello and that I watch Joyce too lately.  I think what they say on church tv does address a multitude of issues for many people like somebody else said it can feel like they are directed towards us specifically.  I feel the same ways some days I like Joyce like how she come across. 

I do get confused around religion I have in the past so I have learned to take it slow and easy. When it feels uneasy to me I drop it for a bit tho prayer has been a mainstay in my life for years and years that I don't drop. I am just taking it easy for now.   I am sorry for your losses it seems so unfair to have to deal with death and withdrawal..I have lost many since I started this process.  I would like to pass on some wisdom but I don't have much and am still going thru this again myself. 

I wish you peace. 

[tezza]

Ohmygoodness, Tezza. I knew you had several losses, but was not aware of all of those. I had only two losses and often feel like I'm losing control completely. I just can't imagine the magnitude of the cumulative grief you're experiencing. I think anyone -- psych history or not -- could be pushed over the edge by all you've been through.

More hugs, my friend.

Oh Barb,

 

Thank you! Yes it has been rough! I'm sorry for your losses, too! You are so sweet and kind to everyone, here. You are a very special person!

 

Love to my friend!

T

[tezza]

Hi bdtd,

 

Thank you for your post! I'm sorry for your losses, too. I will make a note of that book, sometimes they offer a book for a love gift but I'm sure I could find it at a library. I ordered one from another program, the book is "Do Not Be Afraid". I've only just started reading it a little.

 

Since I've gotten back on the meds, I've started cleaning and organizing the house a little, something I didn't do at all while I was ill. I did wash a few dishes and sweep the floors but that was about it. I'm not proud to say, but I didn't even do that every day. I either had the tablet in my hand or was watching that news channel.

 

I hope to get to know you and so many others now. I truly hope to be able to support while I may not be able to offer much advice.

 

The programs I listen to on there were all talking about fear, depression, oppression, anxiety, mental problems, back problems, glaucoma, arthritis and even one mentioned specifically tinnitus.

 

I have ALL the above, so I thought someone was telling them what to show. Sometimes, when I'm not thinking logically, I still have thoughts.

 

Love and peace to you!

 

T

[mammaP]

I am so sorry that you had all those losses in such a short time Tezza, that is a tremendous amount 

grief to bear  .  I'm glad you are starting to feel better. I missed seeing your big red heart on the 

forums and it's lovely to have you here again.    

[Karma]

Dear Tezza,

 

I agree with Barb - anyone going through that much grief in a short period of time would be pushed over the edge - psych history or not!  Please give yourself a break, losing your best friend will rock your world no matter who you are.

 

It is great to hear that you are able to do some cleaning and organizing.  I'd take that as a sign that you are beginning to stabilize.

 

I only use FB to keep up with my family and a few close friends.  I don't catch any news on it.  FB does track other sites you go to through an electronic thing called a cookie.  So if you search for tinnitus the on your tablet, then FB is going to popup an ad or article around curing or helping with tinnitus.  No conspiracy there, just the internet's way of trying to serve up things you might be interested in.

 

Karma

 

Here are a few Karma hugs to tide you over          

[tezza]

I am so sorry that you had all those losses in such a short time Tezza, that is a tremendous amount 

grief to bear  .  I'm glad you are starting to feel better. I missed seeing your big red heart on the 

forums and it's lovely to have you here again.    

Thank you, mammaP! You have been a great asset to the forum! I wish I could've gotten off the meds but I just couldn't do it

[tezza]

Dear Karma,

 

Thank you for those Karma hugs!

 

I was reading a lot on FB about conspiracy shootings (like Adam Lanza) and even saw a video of a Christian being beheaded. While at the hospital, I promise there was a woman there that is supposed to have passed away in 2011. She used to be a friend of mine (not included in the list above because I had stopped having anything to do with her). She was practicing Wicca. She was there!!! That's when I started thinking maybe none of the others really passed away.

 

All the birds and insects are watching me and probably have been for a LONG time. Someone is coming in my house when we are not home and while we sleep. My husband refuses to believe me. I don't know who it is but I don't think it's fair. They take stuff, like a chair that belonged to my youngest son when he was small. It was here after I came home from the hospital.

 

I went to get it a day or two ago and it was gone. One day this past week, I was on the back porch (screened in porch) and the door to the house banged like it was being shut but it was already shut. Then a couple of seconds later, the screen door to the porch opened and closed like someone went out it.

 

I PROMISE this is ALL TRUE. I can't get well with these things happening every day.

 

I feel so confused!

[tezza]

Whoever it is, they have odd power, they decide and determine whether I sleep well or not. This is really scaring me! I think they also decide whether I will have tinnitus or not.

[Rhiannon]

Tezza, it does sound very confusing, I think I would be confused if I were in your shoes too.

 

I'm concerned because what you are saying here does sound like what they call delusional or maybe paranoid thinking. I'm not a doctor and I don't know what it means, this is way out of my area of experience.

 

Please stay in communication with your husband and family and, if necessary, your doctors. We want you to be safe and well. 

 

Many hugs, we care about you here!

[btdt]

Hi bdtd,

 

Thank you for your post! I'm sorry for your losses, too. I will make a note of that book, sometimes they offer a book for a love gift but I'm sure I could find it at a library. I ordered one from another program, the book is "Do Not Be Afraid". I've only just started reading it a little.

 

Since I've gotten back on the meds, I've started cleaning and organizing the house a little, something I didn't do at all while I was ill. I did wash a few dishes and sweep the floors but that was about it. I'm not proud to say, but I didn't even do that every day. I either had the tablet in my hand or was watching that news channel.

 

I hope to get to know you and so many others now. I truly hope to be able to support while I may not be able to offer much advice.

 

The programs I listen to on there were all talking about fear, depression, oppression, anxiety, mental problems, back problems, glaucoma, arthritis and even one mentioned specifically tinnitus.

 

I have ALL the above, so I thought someone was telling them what to show. Sometimes, when I'm not thinking logically, I still have thoughts.

 

Love and peace to you!

 

T

I can't say the book has done anything positive for me yet as I have not read it.  I don't want to say too much when I have not caught up with your posts when I am back to myself as in not ill I will read you thread here seems the only fair thing to do.  

I have been in all sorts of states trying to over come these past 6 years again I don't want to say too much till I get a handle on your situation. It is easy to over identify with things when we are not our best be kind and gentle with yourself.  I have often used house work as a distraction I am a big believer in distraction I actually think I do my best processing when I am cleaning. I am glad you able to do a bit more than before and hope it remains helpful to you.  I wish you peace. 

[tezza]

Tezza, it does sound very confusing, I think I would be confused if I were in your shoes too.

 

I'm concerned because what you are saying here does sound like what they call delusional or maybe paranoid thinking. I'm not a doctor and I don't know what it means, this is way out of my area of experience.

 

Please stay in communication with your husband and family and, if necessary, your doctors. We want you to be safe and well. 

 

Many hugs, we care about you here!

Rhi, Thank you for reading and posting to me! I don't have a psychiatrist because the only one I seem to be referred to is the one that never saw me for more than five minutes per visit, even the first visit. I may eventually have to go back to him.

 

Thank you for the hugs and for caring! I don't know what I'd do without my friends, here, honestly! I feel like I've let the forum down by becoming obsessed by the 'news' I was reading on FB and by not being here. I was totally obsessed by it. I did almost nothing but read the news stories on FB, then started watching a News channel that had pretty much the same stories I was reading.

 

It all became my reality. Now, I'm afraid to try to come off the meds because I never want to get 'sick' like that again. It was the most scary period of time in my adult life. When I was 10 years old, my mother had a nervous breakdown and that was a very scary time in my childhood. My sad and lonely childhood changed dramatically, then, to a sad, lonely and VERY frightening childhood.

 

My mother went to the State Hospital, eventually (I'm guessing after a few weeks). We couldn't visit her for a long time. Then when she came home she told horror stories. I'm not sure when or how I heard her talking to my father about it but it sounded horrible. She got 'sick' more times than I can remember. For about 10 years, she would have to go to Milledgeville, which was several hours away.

 

Eventually a new State Hospital was built that was only about a two hour drive but by then I had married and moved hours away in the other direction. Enough of that...it bothers me to think about but at the same time, I feel like I have to get it out. I hope that makes sense.

 

Rhi, you are a blessing to the forum. I did manage to get off the gabapentin and Lamictal by following your multi-drug taper post.

 

Hugs and continued healing!

[tezza]

 

Hi bdtd,

Thank you for your post! I'm sorry for your losses, too. I will make a note of that book, sometimes they offer a book for a love gift but I'm sure I could find it at a library. I ordered one from another program, the book is "Do Not Be Afraid". I've only just started reading it a little.

Since I've gotten back on the meds, I've started cleaning and organizing the house a little, something I didn't do at all while I was ill. I did wash a few dishes and sweep the floors but that was about it. I'm not proud to say, but I didn't even do that every day. I either had the tablet in my hand or was watching that news channel.

I hope to get to know you and so many others now. I truly hope to be able to support while I may not be able to offer much advice.

The programs I listen to on there were all talking about fear, depression, oppression, anxiety, mental problems, back problems, glaucoma, arthritis and even one mentioned specifically tinnitus.

I have ALL the above, so I thought someone was telling them what to show. Sometimes, when I'm not thinking logically, I still have thoughts.

Love and peace to you!

T

 

I can't say the book has done anything positive for me yet as I have not read it.  I don't want to say too much when I have not caught up with your posts when I am back to myself as in not ill I will read you thread here seems the only fair thing to do.  

I have been in all sorts of states trying to over come these past 6 years again I don't want to say too much till I get a handle on your situation. It is easy to over identify with things when we are not our best be kind and gentle with yourself.  I have often used house work as a distraction I am a big believer in distraction I actually think I do my best processing when I am cleaning. I am glad you able to do a bit more than before and hope it remains helpful to you.  I wish you peace.

Dear btdt,

 

I will try to read your thread, too. You seem like a very kind-hearted person and it means so much to me that anyone cares enough to read my whiny posts. I don't want others to think I'm seeking attention, there are just things I have to get out of me. Holding it all in is how I tricked my children into thinking I was ok.

 

Well, I seldom saw them in person and didn't have a lot of conversations on the phone either. My SIL stopped by one day to let me see my youngest grand-daughter for a few minutes and went home and told my daughter that I was in BAD shape. She told me later they argued about it. It wasn't until she came over and SAW for herself that she believed.

 

She secretly texted my youngest son and he came but I don't remember him being here. Daughter told me about a week ago that he spoke very ugly to me and I think I must've blocked it out because of that. He came to the local hospital before I was transferred to the Behavioral hospital and I remember him crying and saying, "I'm sorry, Mom".

 

I thought he was apologizing because he was part of the 'plan' of setting me up. Daughter told me later that he was apologizing for the way he had talked to me that other day. She said he texted her and told her he felt HORRIBLE about the way he'd talked to me and not realizing how sick I was.

 

I'm starting to feel better again. I was alone all day on the fourth because my husband had to work all day. No one called and my thoughts ran wild. Plus, I've started seeing rainbows around lights, sometimes and everything looks smoky. It started while in the hospital so I thought they were giving me a drug that caused it. When it happened on the fourth, I thought someone sneaked in the house and drugged me again. I poured my water out and got a fresh cup.

 

I'm going to try to do some housework, now, going for the distraction, btdt. I've already been on here over two hours. You all must be much faster than I. Plus on a tablet, it's one letter at a time. Not as fast as typing.

 

I hope you begin to feel better real soon. Have a very blessed day!!! {{{hugs}}}

[NewMe]

Aria

 

Oh, I know you're not being disrespectful, it's something were used to hearing. We have our own language, lol.

 

A Northerner says "Have you eaten?" We say "jeet yit?"

Tezza

Wish I was still living in GA. I miss it SO MUCH!

 

I hope you are well and enjoying the kudzu. I used to have a kudzu cook book!

[tezza]

Hi NewMe,

 

I've never tried kudzu, is it really good? I wish you still lived in GA too, maybe we could meet and be friends

 

I'm about ready to give up!!! I can't take much more! Yesterday I washed all my sneakers...five pair, I took strings out of all five pair and laid them aside. Today I soaked them and rinsed them out, there are only four pair of strings!!! I don't know how to handle this any longer.

 

My husband says WELL WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT? I say, there is nothing I CAN do. He says, OKAY THEN!

 

I've had ENOUGH!!! I can't take this anymore

[tezza]

What have I done to deserve this? Who is doing it? Why won't they stop and leave me alone, they are making me feel so hopeless and like there is nothing I can do but give up

[tezza]

Are they trying to make me kill myself? I feel like they are

[Karma]

Hi Tezza

 

Nobody is intentionally trying to make you feel this way.  The doctors are trying to help you feel better by giving you medication.  Your family is trying to help you feel better by doing something - anything.  They intervened because they love you. 

 

Evidently with all the grief you experienced you probably went off your meds a little too early and now you are having symptoms.  You've been through quite a trauma and you need to be gentle with yourself.

 

About the sneakers ... you can just buy one new pair of shoe laces.  It doesn't matter what happened to the fifth pair of laces.  Who knows they may turn up some day, they may not.  Even people who aren't challenged by the feelings you are experiencing misplace things.  It is just a pair of sneaker laces.  It really isn't a big deal.

 

I wish there was something else I could say to reassure you.  I pray for you to find your balance and a sense of stability once again.

 

Hang in there, Tezza, it will get better.

 

Karma

[Meimeiquest]

Hi Tezza, I too am feeling for you. I will tell you that from starting to take meds stronger than ADs until now, I hear noises that aren't there, brief sounds like doors and knocking and phone rings. Last week I woke my husband up calling "Come in, just come on in" because I heard knocking on our bedroom door that I thought was a kid. We are so used to it that he just said, "Honey, there's nothing there" and I just said okay and turned over. I hope that's all that is happening with you with the disturbing noises.

 

I am also remembering when I first got "really sick" and came to believe that God was going to take my five-year-old daughter. It only lasted a few hours, but to this day I can't talk about it without crying, I truly believed she was going to die. Right now while real and not real are intermingled, I would encourage you to keep close to real, living people...it will help ground you. We're all "real" here...please write as much as helps you.

[btdt]

 

 

Hi bdtd,

Thank you for your post! I'm sorry for your losses, too. I will make a note of that book, sometimes they offer a book for a love gift but I'm sure I could find it at a library. I ordered one from another program, the book is "Do Not Be Afraid". I've only just started reading it a little.

Since I've gotten back on the meds, I've started cleaning and organizing the house a little, something I didn't do at all while I was ill. I did wash a few dishes and sweep the floors but that was about it. I'm not proud to say, but I didn't even do that every day. I either had the tablet in my hand or was watching that news channel.

I hope to get to know you and so many others now. I truly hope to be able to support while I may not be able to offer much advice.

The programs I listen to on there were all talking about fear, depression, oppression, anxiety, mental problems, back problems, glaucoma, arthritis and even one mentioned specifically tinnitus.

I have ALL the above, so I thought someone was telling them what to show. Sometimes, when I'm not thinking logically, I still have thoughts.

Love and peace to you!

T

I can't say the book has done anything positive for me yet as I have not read it.  I don't want to say too much when I have not caught up with your posts when I am back to myself as in not ill I will read you thread here seems the only fair thing to do.  

I have been in all sorts of states trying to over come these past 6 years again I don't want to say too much till I get a handle on your situation. It is easy to over identify with things when we are not our best be kind and gentle with yourself.  I have often used house work as a distraction I am a big believer in distraction I actually think I do my best processing when I am cleaning. I am glad you able to do a bit more than before and hope it remains helpful to you.  I wish you peace.

Dear btdt,

 

I will try to read your thread, too. You seem like a very kind-hearted person and it means so much to me that anyone cares enough to read my whiny posts. I don't want others to think I'm seeking attention, there are just things I have to get out of me. Holding it all in is how I tricked my children into thinking I was ok.

 

Well, I seldom saw them in person and didn't have a lot of conversations on the phone either. My SIL stopped by one day to let me see my youngest grand-daughter for a few minutes and went home and told my daughter that I was in BAD shape. She told me later they argued about it. It wasn't until she came over and SAW for herself that she believed.

 

She secretly texted my youngest son and he came but I don't remember him being here. Daughter told me about a week ago that he spoke very ugly to me and I think I must've blocked it out because of that. He came to the local hospital before I was transferred to the Behavioral hospital and I remember him crying and saying, "I'm sorry, Mom".

 

I thought he was apologizing because he was part of the 'plan' of setting me up. Daughter told me later that he was apologizing for the way he had talked to me that other day. She said he texted her and told her he felt HORRIBLE about the way he'd talked to me and not realizing how sick I was.

 

I'm starting to feel better again. I was alone all day on the fourth because my husband had to work all day. No one called and my thoughts ran wild. Plus, I've started seeing rainbows around lights, sometimes and everything looks smoky. It started while in the hospital so I thought they were giving me a drug that caused it. When it happened on the fourth, I thought someone sneaked in the house and drugged me again. I poured my water out and got a fresh cup.

 

I'm going to try to do some housework, now, going for the distraction, btdt. I've already been on here over two hours. You all must be much faster than I. Plus on a tablet, it's one letter at a time. Not as fast as typing.

 

I hope you begin to feel better real soon. Have a very blessed day!!! {{{hugs}}}

 

I had a reaction to freezing at the dentist a while back and for a long time after I would see things around lights halos and streaks on street lights I gave up driving for awhile as I did not trust my perception... odd thing was most times I thought I was seeing ok but the street lights were another matter it went on for wks... so it could be a hang over reaction still from the drugs you had while in care.  Just want you to know it is not unheard of to have spuratick .(..guess that is not a word but can't think of another so leaving it... ) withdrawal effects. I have had a lot of other things like this over the years a blob of yellow colour on things... lots of ****... It gets to the point I can't get too excited about it... as I assume it is the drugs of drugs past... and or the recovery from them. 

 

I don't know how old you are but there use to be this show on tv called taxi...  a guy on the shoe from hippy times use to see and hear things all the time ... I think these drugs are a lot like the ones he did and we can not get too excited about it when stuff happens ...just hope it passes and we heal.  I would like to think most times it heals. 

[tezza]

Hi Tezza

 

Nobody is intentionally trying to make you feel this way.  The doctors are trying to help you feel better by giving you medication.  Your family is trying to help you feel better by doing something - anything.  They intervened because they love you. 

 

Evidently with all the grief you experienced you probably went off your meds a little too early and now you are having symptoms.  You've been through quite a trauma and you need to be gentle with yourself.

 

About the sneakers ... you can just buy one new pair of shoe laces.  It doesn't matter what happened to the fifth pair of laces.  Who knows they may turn up some day, they may not.  Even people who aren't challenged by the feelings you are experiencing misplace things.  It is just a pair of sneaker laces.  It really isn't a big deal.

 

I wish there was something else I could say to reassure you.  I pray for you to find your balance and a sense of stability once again.

 

Hang in there, Tezza, it will get better.

 

Karma

Thank you Karma! It's not about the shoe laces, I had planned to give someone at least one pr of the shoes anyway. I just wish these things would stop happening every day.

 

Thank you for your prayers, I need them very much. I pray for the forum as a whole, usually, because I'm afraid I'll leave someone out.

 

Bless you for talking to me and caring! I love you a bunch!

[tezza]

Hi Tezza, I too am feeling for you. I will tell you that from starting to take meds stronger than ADs until now, I hear noises that aren't there, brief sounds like doors and knocking and phone rings. Last week I woke my husband up calling "Come in, just come on in" because I heard knocking on our bedroom door that I thought was a kid. We are so used to it that he just said, "Honey, there's nothing there" and I just said okay and turned over. I hope that's all that is happening with you with the disturbing noises.

I am also remembering when I first got "really sick" and came to believe that God was going to take my five-year-old daughter. It only lasted a few hours, but to this day I can't talk about it without crying, I truly believed she was going to die. Right now while real and not real are intermingled, I would encourage you to keep close to real, living people...it will help ground you. We're all "real" here...please write as much as helps you.

 

Dear meimeiquest,

 

Thank you! You are a kind person! I really appreciate your input. I do sometimes hear noises in other rooms. There have been 'spirits' here since we first moved here but now I'm getting confused about it. My husband changed all three entry door locks before I went to the hospital. You'd think that would've resolved things but it didn't.

 

I'm sorry you've been through that kind of thinking with your child. I can relate to that, I was constantly worrying about that sort of thing when my children were growing up. Now, I still do sometimes but I try not to let myself think like that.

 

I want to be well so bad! I wish healing and peace for you too!

[tezza]

I can't tell what is real and what is coming from the spirit world anymore. I realize that I've had 'blank' spots for years. I saw a show about multiple personalities once and it sounded familiar. This lady said her other personalities played tricks on her and would hide things from her.

 

This could be happening but I just don't know. I wish I knew so bad.

 

On a much brighter note, I have taken in a new 'fur ball'. That's what I've been calling him. A female cat started coming around some and had kittens here. Best I remember they were born the day after Mother's Day. They are all beautiful! The one I fell in love with the most was the scardey cat of the bunch.

 

He would always run off when I'd go out to feed them or get close to them. I've brought him in and tamed him but he hides from DH and has a hissing fit if my lil dog gets near. I call him fur ball, the mother cat has very long hair and so does he. I nursed an orphan kitten back in '06 or '07. I think the mamma cat may be offspring from him.

 

We allowed him to go outside as he wanted, BIG mistake! Someone noticed how very beautiful he was and took him in, I believe. I grieved over that for a long time. He was painted up like 'Sylvester' the cat but with very, very long hair. The mamma cat is solid black with that very long hair. The kitten I've taken in is Smoky gray with the long hair.

 

I've re-homed the cockatiel that belonged to my friend. My SIL is going to get my parrot. I need to re-home at least two dogs and the mamma cat and three kittens. I'm hoping I don't have to take them to the pound. We have far too many pets to be able to give all the attention they need.

 

I also rehabbed a baby squirrel while I was sick. She still comes back to the cage for food although she's grown and eating elsewhere. I haven't touched her since I got out of the hospital but I get close to her sometimes while she is eating.

 

My mother called me 'Ellie May' jokingly when I was a child because animals were drawn to me. This little fur ball makes me very happy and he loves me.

[Barbarannamated]

Tezza,

 

I'm following all you're going through and wish I could help in some way.

 

Have the doctors ruled out physical/medical causes for the experiences and confusion you're having? Perhaps a neurologist, if you havent seen one recently.

 

I know you have always had a strong connection to the spirit world and with all of the PROFOUND losses you've had over the past few years.... Well, i just can't imagine how ANYONE would handle this spiritual chaos without help.

 

Does it help you to spend time with people? Are you able to be with someone most of the time? I find that my confusion and paranoid thinking get much worse when I'm isolated, but some people ( that I'm not 100% comfortable with) can trigger that thinking. I'm still very afraid to be alone, especially in my own home, and I haven't even had experiences like you have.

 

I'm glad to hear that your husband is trying to help you. We're all here for you, too.

 

Hang in there, dear friend.

[Meimeiquest]

Tezza, I am working with a clinic in Chicago that uses nutrient therapy to help with psychiatric disorders that are passed down generationally. If you would like to research it together with your husband, let me know and I will send you a PM with my email address. You, like me, are blessed to have a spouse walking with you through all this, and I don't want to leave him out. And I totally understand if you aren't interested, but I also realize you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Tezza,

 

It is always hard to live in 2 worlds, the spirit one and the more mundane, everyday one. The people around you who love you are trying their best to keep you stable in the one world we all have to live in, the here and now. Do the best you can with them and if things don't have a ready explanation, you can always take a 'wait and see' approach. Might be spirit, might be not. The things that count are the relationships with your loved ones.

 

We are all so glad you are back posting again!

[NewMe]

Hi NewMe,

 

I've never tried kudzu, is it really good? I wish you still lived in GA too, maybe we could meet and be friends

 

I'm about ready to give up!!! I can't take much more! Yesterday I washed all my sneakers...five pair, I took strings out of all five pair and laid them aside. Today I soaked them and rinsed them out, there are only four pair of strings!!! I don't know how to handle this any longer.

 

My husband says WELL WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT? I say, there is nothing I CAN do. He says, OKAY THEN!

 

I've had ENOUGH!!! I can't take this anymore

Tezza

 

I will be back there to visit soon. Kudzu is actually an acquired taste - as in - if you prefer eating old grass.

 

Come on now, Tezza. One day you will review this message about sneakers and laugh. You and I both know washing machines like to pull fast ones on us when it comes to socks. Why would shoe strings be any different?

 

You can do this. Southern women are tough. Get up and see how far you have come - try focusing on small things that you are good at. Pen, paper - list them. Mine was small when I started - on my list of things that I am good at was drinking coffee. It has grown since then. How about your sense of humor? I like that you said four "pair" instead of four pairs...which is a habit I picked up but trying to correct.

 

Consider me a friend 

[btdt]

Tezza I have had MANY experiences like the laces... and other much more profound.  I do not want to say too much as I still have not read you entire thread and we may be completely different. I know how maddening it is to be sure of something only to have fact prove me dead wrong in day to day dealings.  I think this is simply a healing state that comes and goes like the waves. 

Withdrawal is difficult enough without the strain and stress you have been forced to deal with.  I have had a lot of this during withdrawal too and have learned I can step away from it when I have to.  There have been times I simply had to endure when I could not step away and it did tend to bring on a lot of confusion. I had a lot of tests and still do when something big goes down... so far they have not found anything to do that makes a big difference to my existence other than getting me upset of the potential.  I am of a mind now that no matter what they should ever find on any test... and I doubt they would ever find or know what to do about what they find as ... I have lost faith in medicine. So I kind of go thru the motions of the tests knowing full well I would likely do nothing no matter what they find... I have the end say... however they can't find anything or if and when they do they don't know what to do about it anyway. 

 

When I have had times where I simply had to endure it odd states of thought would be part of my response and often I did not see it that way till later. I know your on some meds and I hope they are not hurting they were not my answer is all I know.  

 

Odd things happened so much I had resolve myself to the fact they would likely keep happening and that if I were to try on the sanity hat I had to admit there was not much cause for anyone to ... say put a drug in my water as you said the other day... but I could not let it go ... once went to the hosp insisting they test some water... and this was BEFORE I quit effexor.  

 

I want to say this it got less and less and finally I think I am back to normal where this is concerned... while it was still happening I would try to be sensible about it and not think I was being harassed... I tried but I could not always bring myself to buy in... actually I never could... even if I said I did ..to ease the minds of people I had told... I did not.. buy in I was always watchful... a bit scared by the entire situation. 

 

This is what kind of helped me this way of thinking... 

so what... yep so what do whatever you have to do hide my laces ... drug my water... take my money... I don't care. I am going to work on being stable and if this is real or not real I don't care... if this is a bit of me doing this that needs healing too... I thought of that too.. then I welcome you to come hear a relaxation tape with me... 

I guess the bottom line for me was there was nothing I could do about it... not really... I could give tons of my energy feeding and sorting it out or I could give no more energy to it... stop feeding it.  Be it real or imagined... did not matter this is how I was going to respond to it. 

If something nutty sent my flight or fight to high gear... 

I went to bed and listened to the ocean... I stepped away from stress...no news no crime shows ... I stepped back from people I did not trust. I cocooned and healed. 

When I was having these paranoid high stress responses when I was in them... i could not always get out.. and would get stuck.. so best to not get there... here is one thing that was a good clue to me to destress or remove myself from a situation...

talking to myself sometimes out loud and sometimes not but outloud would be the clue of clues I was getting into trouble... when that happened it was time to cease all currant activity and do self care. 

 

I don't know if we are on the same page or not... I don't know if what helped me will help you...but i do know this was part of my healing experience and I have not talked a lot about it as I have not seen others who have had it... 

I have seen others  who seen things... moving around the room... yep that is more common fleeting movement around a room be it a spiritual thing or a brain thing it happens a lot in withdrawal and since we are in new territory here who knows.  It helped me to know that others in withdrawal were seeing these things to and sadly the place their stories are is now gone... I miss the topix site like crazy when it comes to sending resource links... I feel it is around some place somebody has access to it and can look up all the **** I say here but I don't believe they have our best interest at heart I think they have ...using all that infor to mess up up more and make themselves more powerful.. ya I have some ideas. call me crazy... oh and get  in line it is way back there some place. 

 

I just want you to know this was part of my story and it is not there now... so it does go way.  I am sorry for not reading you thread yet I promise I will get to it when I feel better. 

 

 

peace to you...