tezza: risperdal withdrawal

[tezza]

Tezza,

I'm following all you're going through and wish I could help in some way.

Have the doctors ruled out physical/medical causes for the experiences and confusion you're having? Perhaps a neurologist, if you havent seen one recently.

I know you have always had a strong connection to the spirit world and with all of the PROFOUND losses you've had over the past few years.... Well, i just can't imagine how ANYONE would handle this spiritual chaos without help.

Does it help you to spend time with people? Are you able to be with someone most of the time? I find that my confusion and paranoid thinking get much worse when I'm isolated, but some people ( that I'm not 100% comfortable with) can trigger that thinking. I'm still very afraid to be alone, especially in my own home, and I haven't even had experiences like you have.

I'm glad to hear that your husband is trying to help you. We're all here for you, too.

Hang in there, dear friend.

Hi Barb,

 

I'm alone all day long until husband gets home from work. I'm grateful for all my friends here. I usually talk to my friends daily, the family of my best friend and her husband that passed away. They came over last week and ate with us. It was nice to see them. I wish they didn't live so far away, I'm comfortable with them. We've gotten close, I've always considered my friend's son to be like a brother to me.

 

It's sad when you have a biological brother and you feel closer to someone that's not a blood relative. I love my brother and would do anything I could for him but when I tell him I love him, he says 'alright'. So I sent him a text or two lately but no response. He and his wife and daughter have been bitter with most of the world as long as I can remember. He never even called when our oldest brother came here to die. Sad...

 

Thank you for checking on me, Barb, I consider you a very good friend!

 

Hugs and love!

[tezza]

Tezza, I am working with a clinic in Chicago that uses nutrient therapy to help with psychiatric disorders that are passed down generationally. If you would like to research it together with your husband, let me know and I will send you a PM with my email address. You, like me, are blessed to have a spouse walking with you through all this, and I don't want to leave him out. And I totally understand if you aren't interested, but I also realize you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Hi meimeiquest,

 

I'm seeing a counsellor, psychologist right now. I have an appointment tomorrow with her. I just don't feel like I can try to get off the meds right now. It makes me sad because I had high hopes of DCing them but I NEVER want to get in the awful state of mind I was in recently.

 

I am interested in the nutrients, tho, because I don't think the meds are quite doing the job. I am better but not completely recovered, I guess. I've always thought Vitamin B's played some role in mental stability.

 

Thank you for being here!

 

Hugs!

[tezza]

Tezza,

 

It is always hard to live in 2 worlds, the spirit one and the more mundane, everyday one. The people around you who love you are trying their best to keep you stable in the one world we all have to live in, the here and now. Do the best you can with them and if things don't have a ready explanation, you can always take a 'wait and see' approach. Might be spirit, might be not. The things that count are the relationships with your loved ones.

 

We are all so glad you are back posting again!

Thank you, CW! I wish I had not ever stopped being here with all my friends. This is a wonderful group of people, real people that have good hearts. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten so mentally warped if I'd stayed here and been honest about what was really going on with me.

 

It was much easier to deny it, plus, I thought my family was the ones that were not facing reality. I would get so frustrated with them for not believing me about someone planning to kidnap me and blame a shooting on me.

 

Spirits or a spirit has been here in this house since we first moved here but now if it's spirits there must be several. The spirits usually just moved things, then would put them back in the same spot later.

 

Hugs and love to you, CW!

[tezza]

 

Hi NewMe,

I've never tried kudzu, is it really good? I wish you still lived in GA too, maybe we could meet and be friends

I'm about ready to give up!!! I can't take much more! Yesterday I washed all my sneakers...five pair, I took strings out of all five pair and laid them aside. Today I soaked them and rinsed them out, there are only four pair of strings!!! I don't know how to handle this any longer.

My husband says WELL WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT? I say, there is nothing I CAN do. He says, OKAY THEN!

I've had ENOUGH!!! I can't take this anymore

 

Tezza

 

I will be back there to visit soon. Kudzu is actually an acquired taste - as in - if you prefer eating old grass.

 

Come on now, Tezza. One day you will review this message about sneakers and laugh. You and I both know washing machines like to pull fast ones on us when it comes to socks. Why would shoe strings be any different?

 

You can do this. Southern women are tough. Get up and see how far you have come - try focusing on small things that you are good at. Pen, paper - list them. Mine was small when I started - on my list of things that I am good at was drinking coffee. It has grown since then. How about your sense of humor? I like that you said four "pair" instead of four pairs...which is a habit I picked up but trying to correct.

 

Consider me a friend 

Hi NewMe,

 

I do consider you a friend! You made me smile with your description of what kudzu tastes like. I probably wouldn't like it... my mother used to cook poke salad but I didn't like it either. I guess they probably ate it when they were young and lived thru the depression in early 1900's.

 

I'm not stressing over the shoe strings any more but I didn't put them in the washer. I took them out of the shoes and soaked them in a bowl. It's ok, tho...

 

Thank you for being my new friend!

 

Hugs!

[tezza]

Hi btdt,

 

Yea, it does sound familiar, what you went through... I once took my liquid Risperdal to the hospital, I wanted them to test it. I even called the poison control center, telling them I thought someone had tried to poison me. They never even called me back to check on me.

 

I thought someone living in my house at the time had added arsenic to the liquid Risperdal. That person doesn't live here anymore. I thought they might hire someone to come here and kill me while I was alone during the day. I was scared all the time, that is an awful nightmare to live in.

 

I do feel better getting back on the meds for now. I hope some day I can come off them all, even the pain meds and Xanax. I tried my best! It is frustrating to have been put back on the psych meds. After I came home from the hospital, my husband caught me cutting the seroquel in half and got upset with me so I took the other half.

 

I'm very confused about everything that has happened. I've written notes to whomever or whatever has been playing games with my mind, begging them to please stop. I'm afraid I will have another breakdown if it doesn't stop. On top of all the other crap, my two sons have been out of work lately. One lost his job and the other just doesn't have much work to do.

 

My daughter lost her job a few months ago because she had to be out so much with the baby being sick. Thankfully, my husband has still been getting to work. He did miss a lot of time at work while I was sick but his superiors have been very understanding. I'm praying for my two sons and my friend to go back to work soon.

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I understand your not reading my entire thread, it's very long. Much of the time when I was posting that I was doing better, I would feel better at the time, then slide back down the slippery slope but didn't want to discourage others so I just wouldn't say how I really felt.

 

Every time I said I was sleeping better....whoosh...bad sleep followed. I didn't want to say anything because I was afraid it would scare others.

 

I do feel better today than I have much of the time recently. Going back on meds makes me feel as though I've failed miserably. I have my third appointment with the psychologist, counsellor tomorrow. I don't really know how that is going to help or not but she is very nice and easy to talk to, at least.

 

Hugs and peace to you!

[Jemima]

Oh, dear Tezza!

 

I'm so sorry I haven't responded to your recent posts sooner. Since posting my success story in April, I've continued to have ups and downs and have only been checking the forum in spurts. I guess I expected that everything would fall into place as soon as the AD withdrawal symptoms went away, but no, I still have to slog ahead, building a new life in retirement step by step. More patience required! AGH!!! I'm so tired of having to be patient I could scream, and not very nice words at that!

 

You have been through just about the worst hell I can imagine between getting off a lot of heavy-duty drugs in a fairly short period of time and losing so many people you love! Please, please don't blame yourself. And I agree with Barbarannamated about getting a really thorough neurological checkup. Seeing an aura around lights can be a symptom of a seizure disorder, for example. MeiMei's suggestion about a nutritional analysis is also a good idea.

 

I still love you as much as ever and will keep you in my prayers. You were very brave to come back and tell us what you're going through.

[Barbarannamated]

Tezza,

 

You are definitely NOT a failure! This is such a difficult situation and I suspect many people aren't as brave and forthright as you when they've gone back on meds. I am very thankful for your honesty (and Fefesmom today). I suspect many of us unintentionally tend to report the positive or the negative, giving a skewed picture of how we're doing.

 

I'm glad you felt a bit better today. I've been on that slippery slope many times and it's very scary.

 

Hugs!

B

[Rhiannon]

Tezza,

 

You are definitely NOT a failure! This is such a difficult situation and I suspect many people aren't as brave and forthright as you when they've gone back on meds. I am very thankful for your honesty (and Fefesmom today). I suspect many of us unintentionally tend to report the positive or the negative, giving a skewed picture of how we're doing.

 

I'm glad you felt a bit better today. I've been on that slippery slope many times and it's very scary.

 

Hugs!

B

 

Hear, hear! I agree. You are much loved and appreciated here. And I appreciate your honesty, and staying with us, sharing yourself and your life and your journey with us rather than hiding or pretending. You're a great role model and a caring, beautiful person. Thank you for being you and being here.

[btdt]

Hi btdt,

 

Yea, it does sound familiar, what you went through... I once took my liquid Risperdal to the hospital, I wanted them to test it. I even called the poison control center, telling them I thought someone had tried to poison me. They never even called me back to check on me.

 

I thought someone living in my house at the time had added arsenic to the liquid Risperdal. That person doesn't live here anymore. I thought they might hire someone to come here and kill me while I was alone during the day. I was scared all the time, that is an awful nightmare to live in.

 

I do feel better getting back on the meds for now. I hope some day I can come off them all, even the pain meds and Xanax. I tried my best! It is frustrating to have been put back on the psych meds. After I came home from the hospital, my husband caught me cutting the seroquel in half and got upset with me so I took the other half.

 

I'm very confused about everything that has happened. I've written notes to whomever or whatever has been playing games with my mind, begging them to please stop. I'm afraid I will have another breakdown if it doesn't stop. On top of all the other crap, my two sons have been out of work lately. One lost his job and the other just doesn't have much work to do.

 

My daughter lost her job a few months ago because she had to be out so much with the baby being sick. Thankfully, my husband has still been getting to work. He did miss a lot of time at work while I was sick but his superiors have been very understanding. I'm praying for my two sons and my friend to go back to work soon.

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I understand your not reading my entire thread, it's very long. Much of the time when I was posting that I was doing better, I would feel better at the time, then slide back down the slippery slope but didn't want to discourage others so I just wouldn't say how I really felt.

 

Every time I said I was sleeping better....whoosh...bad sleep followed. I didn't want to say anything because I was afraid it would scare others.

 

I do feel better today than I have much of the time recently. Going back on meds makes me feel as though I've failed miserably. I have my third appointment with the psychologist, counsellor tomorrow. I don't really know how that is going to help or not but she is very nice and easy to talk to, at least.

 

Hugs and peace to you!

Your welcome.  I get where your coming from and I did not want to scare you either or anyone else. I once quit resperidol cold turkey I was on it a couple of months given to me with a pack of lives when I had quite paxil cold turkey... I was given respiridol at a out patient program... we all were everyone in the program and lorazepam... for three months I took both.. then the program ended and I did not have a doc in my own town I traveled to that program getting up at 4am every day as it had such a good rep and I was going to get better... lol... 

I was in paxil withdrawal but was told it was something in my head.. sure right I know better now. 

So I quit resperidal and lorazepam cold turkey from both as I was told the drugs were just to get thru a difficult program and I would not need them after... lol what a uninformed consumer I was. 

It was bad lets just say that and that cold turkey got me put on effexor. 

 

You are not a failure 

and what your up against I would challenge anyone to get thru it better ... this is one hell of ride and it will take a lot of guts and work to get thru but you can do this. Bit by bit and we will be here to help you just say whatever you want and if it seems too weird or scary for the board pm me cause I would doubt there is much you could say that I have not lived or have not had in my head... really I am serious. 

I too have censored myself here to protect others. 

I would bet we are not the only ones. 

 

I hope you therapist helps... and know I am trying to beat an infection and not well have not been for awhile now...that is the reason I did not get thru you thread I will get there eventually... In the mean time think on this you are a normal person going thru an abnormal drug induced experience and it will have some ups and downs but it will end. 

Please us the people here... use them over and over and over again... I do not have drug or taper knowledge as I have never had a successful taper in my life and I do not want to give any comments about anything I have not lived... but other here have so use them... that is why they are here. 

I wish you peace.

[tezza]

Oh, dear Tezza!

 

I'm so sorry I haven't responded to your recent posts sooner. Since posting my success story in April, I've continued to have ups and downs and have only been checking the forum in spurts. I guess I expected that everything would fall into place as soon as the AD withdrawal symptoms went away, but no, I still have to slog ahead, building a new life in retirement step by step. More patience required! AGH!!! I'm so tired of having to be patient I could scream, and not very nice words at that!

 

You have been through just about the worst hell I can imagine between getting off a lot of heavy-duty drugs in a fairly short period of time and losing so many people you love! Please, please don't blame yourself. And I agree with Barbarannamated about getting a really thorough neurological checkup. Seeing an aura around lights can be a symptom of a seizure disorder, for example. MeiMei's suggestion about a nutritional analysis is also a good idea.

 

I still love you as much as ever and will keep you in my prayers. You were very brave to come back and tell us what you're going through.

Dear Jemima,

 

Thank you! I'm sorry you're still having the 'ups and downs'! Withdrawal is really it's own kind of hell on earth! Everyone here has struggles to deal with. Thank you for your prayers and your love. I love you, too! I wish I could make things easier for all who suffer because of these evil drugs.

 

I really didn't want to go back on the drugs but I had a complete nervous breakdown as hard as it is to admit. In looking back, I can see my mother in me. It makes me feel even worse for all she went through. I could never help her as much as I wanted to.

 

I know my husband and my daughter did what they felt they had to do. At the time, though, I couldn't see it that way.

 

I hope you get past the after effects of WD very soon!

 

Hugs and love!!!

[tezza]

 

Tezza,

You are definitely NOT a failure! This is such a difficult situation and I suspect many people aren't as brave and forthright as you when they've gone back on meds. I am very thankful for your honesty (and Fefesmom today). I suspect many of us unintentionally tend to report the positive or the negative, giving a skewed picture of how we're doing.

I'm glad you felt a bit better today. I've been on that slippery slope many times and it's very scary.

Hugs!

B

 

 

Hear, hear! I agree. You are much loved and appreciated here. And I appreciate your honesty, and staying with us, sharing yourself and your life and your journey with us rather than hiding or pretending. You're a great role model and a caring, beautiful person. Thank you for being you and being here.

Thank you, Rhi! I appreciate everyone being so understanding and supportive. It wasn't easy to be honest about what I went through (and still going through).

 

I still think someone is coming into my house every time there is no one here. Your kind words (and others') are un-merited and mean so much to me!

 

Love and hugs!

[Karma]

Hi Tezza,

 

You are actually sounding a little better in your posts .  You are not a failure.  You are a wonderful, kind human who has gone through trauma.

 

I agree with the others, you are so brave to share your situation honestly.  Don't worry about getting off of the meds right now.  Find your balance and then you can figure out where you go from there.  Keep taking it one day at a time.

 

Karma

[tezza]

Tezza,

You are definitely NOT a failure! This is such a difficult situation and I suspect many people aren't as brave and forthright as you when they've gone back on meds. I am very thankful for your honesty (and Fefesmom today). I suspect many of us unintentionally tend to report the positive or the negative, giving a skewed picture of how we're doing.

I'm glad you felt a bit better today. I've been on that slippery slope many times and it's very scary.

Hugs!

B

Dear Barb,

 

I wish I could do something for you! You've been suffering so long and still you take the time to encourage and support me and many others, here!

 

Love you my friend!

[tezza]

Dear Karma,

 

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I'm scared to try to get off the drugs, now...I never want to get in that place(in my mind) again! I was scared half to death, I'm still a little scared but I do think I'm getting better.

 

My counsellor agrees that I'm better than my first visit with her. I've been for three visits, once a week. I have another appointment next week. I'm not sure if it's helping or not but I do feel better having someone to talk to about everything.

 

I had to sign off a while ago because the phone rang. I don't stay logged in or at least I try not to. You and the other members and staff are my lifeline, pretty much.

 

I hope you are doing well, I haven't been able to get caught up on everyone else's threads the way I'd like to. I've been doing some cleaning in drawers and cabinets. Yuck...it takes so long and creates more mess to deal with but it's LONG overdue.

 

Love and hugs!

[Jemima]

The more I think about it, the more I think there's a seizure-type problem going on here. After I signed off on my last post, I remembered looking into epilepsy back in my counseling days, because one of our clients was having mini-blackouts while working in a potentially dangerus assembly-line situation.  Sure enough, there's something called a petit-mal seizure, where a person just loses consciousness very briefly without passing out or being noticeably "not there", and I believe you described some episodes like that. I'm certainly not capable of diagnosing a neurological problem, but I hope you'll pursue a thorough neurological workup when you're strong enough to do so. Your "delusions" could very well be some nerves misfiring.  So many people here have been misdiagnosed for years, I think it's worth pursuing further.  If you don't want to do that, just ignore me--I won't be angry, I promise!

[tezza]

Dear btdt,

 

You've been through a lot! Leaving off those meds cold turkey....OUCH!!

 

Thank you for offering to let me PM you,

 

I still think I'm the one that knows what's going on and my husband doesn't. I hope that doesn't mean I'm still not thinking logically but only God knows for sure.

 

Withdrawal is a rough ride for sure. I tried so hard to DC the psych meds. My dear friend wanted me to be able to get off them. I feel that she is near me and watching over me somehow. Lord, I miss her SO MUCH! My heart breaks just thinking about her! She was one VERY SPECIAL lady. Not just to me but to many other people too!

 

Hugs!!!

[tezza]

The more I think about it, the more I think there's a seizure-type problem going on here. After I signed off on my last post, I remembered looking into epilepsy back in my counseling days, because one of our clients was having mini-blackouts while working in a potentially dangerus assembly-line situation.  Sure enough, there's something called a petit-mal seizure, where a person just loses consciousness very briefly without passing out or being noticeably "not there", and I believe you described some episodes like that. I'm certainly not capable of diagnosing a neurological problem, but I hope you'll pursue a thorough neurological workup when you're strong enough to do so. Your "delusions" could very well be some nerves misfiring.  So many people here have been misdiagnosed for years, I think it's worth pursuing further.  If you don't want to do that, just ignore me--I won't be angry, I promise!

Dear J,

 

You've got me really thinking on this with your second post. My daughter said she has those kind of episodes too. She will actually fall in the floor. My paternal grandfather had epilepsy. My oldest son had seizures a few years ago and was put on Paxil for them.

 

Maybe something is going on that, both, my daughter and I should get checked for.

 

I will never ignore you, J, I respect your opinions and your advice! Once when I was paranoid, I told a member that I was afraid to suggest they go back on meds after you had posted that they should. I sent you a PM explaining a bit. I was 'thinking' "oh my God, what if they DO commit suicide and sue J for suggesting it". It was just my paranoia. I'm thankful you were not upset with me.

 

I think maybe I will try a neurologist when I'm a little better.

 

Thank you for caring!

 

Love and hugs!!!

[NewMe]

Tezza - you sound so much better! It is not easy and you are not a failure. I am impressed that you handled this and improved. You are strong like bull! 

 

I am so proud of you for getting through this and continuing to reach out. It is not easy for me to talk when I am not feeling well - and yet you have that strength to do so and it helps others! You realize this is a great gift? It is!

 

So many people feel like failures on and off meds like these and when you think about how this poly pharma stuff gets started combined with a lack of transparency, it is clear to see why.

 

Just stay in there and do what you have to in order to function whatever the choice may be.

 

Your pal - NewMe

[btdt]

Dear btdt,

 

You've been through a lot! Leaving off those meds cold turkey....OUCH!!

 

Thank you for offering to let me PM you,

 

I still think I'm the one that knows what's going on and my husband doesn't. I hope that doesn't mean I'm still not thinking logically but only God knows for sure.

 

Withdrawal is a rough ride for sure. I tried so hard to DC the psych meds. My dear friend wanted me to be able to get off them. I feel that she is near me and watching over me somehow. Lord, I miss her SO MUCH! My heart breaks just thinking about her! She was one VERY SPECIAL lady. Not just to me but to many other people too!

 

Hugs!!!

I think about that too.  My sister died the end of March for awhile I felt her around me all the time like she was keeping an eye on me... not so much anymore.   I felt the same way about my mother when she went she now seems to show up when it is important....and call me nuts but when I actually quit effexor cold turkey it was because she or God or both talked to me and told me too...

It went like this.  I was sick for a long time getting more and more pills and reacting to a lot of them.  I was having symptoms of MS Parkinsons... I was seeing a neurologist who told me to get off E and a shrink who told me to stay on it... they could not seem to phone or write each other... I was stuck and sick.. I could not keep food in me... had been that way awhile... 

I was laying in my bed the only place I had been in some time... when I heard this voice say this

"Get off those drugs or lay in that bed and die"

I quit all meds cold turkey then. Here I am.  Yes it has been one hell of a ride I tried to go back on too but think I was in tolerance when I quit and reinstatement attempts made me even more ill if you can believe it.  Every pill the neurologist gave me made me worse... so I toughed it out ...way too much suffering... for sure. 

 

I have written this over and over again in the past 6+ years and so far nobody has the guts to tell me I am crazy.  I am sure some think it but I don't really care... it is my truth and I tell it as it went down.  

 

You never know who is right you know you or your husband and by the time you are healed from this neither of you will care. 

 

Peace

[tezza]

Hi Pal!

 

Although my mind is becoming more stable and I really do appreciate your encouragement and kind words, I'm getting very angry at whoever is continuing to come in my house and play mind games with me.

 

I feel like I can't escape them and don't know what it's going to take to get them to stop! They seem to know if I will be gone so they can come in. They have a key to the new locks my DH installed before I went to the hospital. They know EXACTLY when they can come in and get by with it.

 

The stress is causing me much anxiety! I'm shaking as I write this. What do they want??? Why won't they leave me alone? I'm about ready to just end it myself!!! I can't take much more of being 'raped' by an intruder or intruders! It feels like rape.

 

I lost my virginity at age 14 to a 'boyfriend'. I continued to see him because I felt like my body did not belong to me any longer! Now, my house doesn't feel like it belongs to me because they come in anytime they want. At this rate I'm afraid I will end up having another breakdown.

 

I wish I was a bull! I'd RAM them!!!

 

I'm sorry, NewMe, for the rant but I feel so helpless to stop this. I don't think it will ever end! God, PLEASE STOP THEM!!! PLEASE

[btdt]

I am sorry to see you in such distress and I have a suggestion if you have the money for it what about a camera?  Would that not solve this problem a security camera that sent the video to a computer or something... I can't say I know how they work but somebody must. 

[btdt]

I am about the least can't think of the word least... camera computer literate person who can type but there are people who know and would set it up for you if you can afford it.  I have family that have them at their houses they can log on their computers any time at work and see what is going on at home and the video is saved some place I don't know where that is the end of my smarts on this.

peace

[btdt]

Now the other issue is getting the thoughts under control... 

What do you do to sooth yourself?  Think of the tools you have and think of which one you want to use now... if your short on tools we can talk about that or you can read self care there are plenty of ideas there. 

peace

[Barbarannamated]

I am sorry to see you in such distress and I have a suggestion if you have the money for it what about a camera? Would that not solve this problem a security camera that sent the video to a computer or something... I can't say I know how they work but somebody must.

A good idea.

 

I had a cyberstalker awhile back and, though it was nothing of the magnitude you describe, it really does mess with your head. He never did anything dangerous, but just the idea of someone (I know) tracking me online was extremely creepy. I began to suspect every new person who contacted me. I did catch him, copied the evidence, and he did admit to it. This was at the beginning of withdrawal, so extra disturbing and nobody believed me. I did learn how easy it is for someone with an advanced IT background to hack into anything, usually just for the fun of it and to drive someone crazy. There was a movie about this...can't recall the name.

[btdt]

 

I am sorry to see you in such distress and I have a suggestion if you have the money for it what about a camera? Would that not solve this problem a security camera that sent the video to a computer or something... I can't say I know how they work but somebody must.

A good idea.

 

I had a cyberstalker awhile back and, though it was nothing of the magnitude you describe, it really does mess with your head. He never did anything dangerous, but just the idea of someone (I know) tracking me online was extremely creepy. I began to suspect every new person who contacted me. I did catch him, copied the evidence, and he did admit to it. This was at the beginning of withdrawal, so extra disturbing and nobody believed me. I did learn how easy it is for someone with an advanced IT background to hack into anything, usually just for the fun of it and to drive someone crazy. There was a movie about this...can't recall the name.

 

" nothing of the magnitude you describe"

I don't think I describe a stalker did I?  

Please explain so I can explain ..

peace. 

 

I do not know enough about computers to even know if I was being tracked and if I were the folks tracking me would be bored out of their minds I am about as boring as they come.  I am sorry you were tracked... some people just have no manners. 

Peace

[Barbarannamated]

I apologize if my story confused matters. I was only relating to the feelings it can cause.

[tezza]

Hi tb and Barb,

 

I've thought about that, the cameras or even security system. We are by no means wealthy. The thing is...they seem to KNOW every move we make so they would probably disable whatever system we might install.

 

I've had to start back taking the Xanax other than bedtime. It makes me angry that I've had to do that. I think they have hidden microphones and possibly even hidden cameras in my house. I ordered a device that was supposed to detect those hidden devices and it was not received with the order. Two flashlights were ordered at the same time. They arrived while I was in hospital but not the other device. It took a LONG time to get the order in the mail, like three months!

 

I emailed the company, in Hong Kong or China, before I lost my senses completely. They emailed me back that the order was 'stunk' in customs. I guess they meant 'stuck'. When I tried to 'chat' with them a few days ago, they were not available.

 

I honestly believe they are trying to make me commit suicide. That seems the only way to stop this! I think it's what they want...what else is there to do. We don't have a really nice house that just anyone would want to break in to. They take things that are not considered great value.

 

This is making me insane, truly! Even on the meds...my husband seems to be losing his patience with me so now they are causing issues between us too. I'm losing it ... I was telling them what I thought of them before I took a Xanax and got in the shower. I scared my poor lil dog so bad she went into the bathroom and hid, shaking. I had to comfort her. She is a nervous little thing, bless her heart.

 

If anyone else had heard me, they woulda thought I had lost my mind. I was so mad that I called their mamma bad names since they seem to KNOW everything! I wish I had a rattlesnake to greet them when they open the freakin door!

[tezza]

I made a donation to the forum through Paypal on 7/2 and another charge was made on my card (just after my payment) for WGC in San Diego, CA. Card company is checking it out. Card company said it looked like a World Golfing Championship tour. We don't even watch golf on TV. I think I may be stalked on web, too.

 

I'm gonna lose it, again, I know I will

[btdt]

You are now spiraling and need to distract yourself by any means.  If you have a relaxation tape you like put it on and listen to it...or get you husband to take a walk with you if you want...whatever soothes you. 

 

We will talk about the other stuff some other time. 

I think it is in your best interest to calm you system down if you can. 

Peace

[Jemima]

Btdt's suggestion is a good one, and please try to keep in mind that if you have a nerve disorder you may be misperceiving things. I remember that computer games used to work as a good distraction for you, too.  Do whatever works to keep from ruminating on these events.

[btdt]

I looked up Effexor and mast cell disorders... 

http://mastcelldisorders.wallack.us/yabb/YaBB.pl?num=1333922422

got this.. a site for people with the disorder who are depressed apparently a new symptoms is depression... many users of the site have already been on ADs ... and the drug suggested to treat this disorder... called masitinib apparently treats the depression too... 

 

I have always wondered how these drugs ADs affect our immune systems maybe this is the link..mast cells.

Peace... 

[tezza]

Thank you for the suggestions. My seven year old grand-daughter stayed with me for a couple of weeks and that brought me much happiness. Things continued to be weird while she was here, though!

 

My counsellor told me to anoint the house and pray over it....I did. Things are still happening and I've reached a point that I'm wondering if I'm doing the things my own self. My counsellor wants me to talk to my doctor about increasing the seroquel. The first time she suggested it, I just ignored it. The second time, I made an appointment, I go talk to him tomorrow.

 

My daughter and her family are moving to be with her husband, it's 2and1/2 hours away from here. They left Sunday and depression has set in. We took my grand-daughter to Dollywood and Wonderworks and that made me VERY happy to see her enjoying herself. I should've rented a scooter to ride, though because I've been paying for it physically since we went. I had bought a walker at Goodwill but there are too many hills to have used it.

 

We were only there for two nights so DH was trying to do all we could with her for the two days. I've been taking more pain medicine and using Ben Gay, Icy Hot and Salonpas patches but still hurts so much that it adds to the depression. I'm not mentally or physically able to clean and organize the house. It's a bad mess and I once kept my house so spotless that there was never any spots on the bathroom faucet. My husband says not to worry about it but it bothers me.

 

We stopped on the way home, at a McDonalds for breakfast and a little rest from the ride. When I was ordering a child came up to me and handed me some money and said something about me dropping it, I thought she saw me drop it. I just thanked her and stuck it in my purse, which was open. Later, I figured up what I was supposed to have, at first I thought I was missing more, then my husband reminded me that I had made change for him while we were at the motel. That's when I realized I had two $20s too much. This has bothered me real bad since I realized it wasn't mine. :-(

 

My son says I'm still delusional and I think my counsellor thinks so too. My husband gets aggravated if I say anything about something missing out go the house so I can't talk to him about any of it, anymore.

 

I'm sorry to come here and complain and whine but my counsellor is off this week.

 

I love you all!

[Jemima]

Good to see a post from you again, Tezza.

 

If you've got some sort of nerve or seizure disorder, it may very well be that you're having brief memory lapses and that you're moving these items yourself.  Do you ever find things in odd places where you wouldn't normally leave them?

 

I'm glad to hear you've had some good days with your granddaughter, not so glad about your daughter and her children moving so far away. That would make anyone sad.

 

Please be sure to tell your doctor about those moments of  "blanking out" and about other family members who have had seizures. It may be that a small dose of an anticonvulsant would be a better idea than more Seroquel.  Just my non-medical layperson's hunch.

 

Please let us know how you make out. You'll be in my prayers.

[btdt]

Thank you for the suggestions. My seven year old grand-daughter stayed with me for a couple of weeks and that brought me much happiness. Things continued to be weird while she was here, though!

 

My counsellor told me to anoint the house and pray over it....I did. Things are still happening and I've reached a point that I'm wondering if I'm doing the things my own self. My counsellor wants me to talk to my doctor about increasing the seroquel. The first time she suggested it, I just ignored it. The second time, I made an appointment, I go talk to him tomorrow.

 

My daughter and her family are moving to be with her husband, it's 2and1/2 hours away from here. They left Sunday and depression has set in. We took my grand-daughter to Dollywood and Wonderworks and that made me VERY happy to see her enjoying herself. I should've rented a scooter to ride, though because I've been paying for it physically since we went. I had bought a walker at Goodwill but there are too many hills to have used it.

 

We were only there for two nights so DH was trying to do all we could with her for the two days. I've been taking more pain medicine and using Ben ***, Icy Hot and Salonpas patches but still hurts so much that it adds to the depression. I'm not mentally or physically able to clean and organize the house. It's a bad mess and I once kept my house so spotless that there was never any spots on the bathroom faucet. My husband says not to worry about it but it bothers me.

 

We stopped on the way home, at a McDonalds for breakfast and a little rest from the ride. When I was ordering a child came up to me and handed me some money and said something about me dropping it, I thought she saw me drop it. I just thanked her and stuck it in my purse, which was open. Later, I figured up what I was supposed to have, at first I thought I was missing more, then my husband reminded me that I had made change for him while we were at the motel. That's when I realized I had two $20s too much. This has bothered me real bad since I realized it wasn't mine. :-(

 

My son says I'm still delusional and I think my counsellor thinks so too. My husband gets aggravated if I say anything about something missing out go the house so I can't talk to him about any of it, anymore.

 

I'm sorry to come here and complain and whine but my counsellor is off this week.

 

I love you all!

I have had this always thinking things are missing or stolen problem too.. 

A lot more before when I had money and things worth stealing like jewelry ...not so much any more now that I don't have anything to steal.

That old joke comes to mind rob a beggar get a louse... haha... I know I love that one.

Seriously tho I can't account for things that went missing so many things did and I am not sure why...but I know this when a lot of time passed and I felt better for most of the time it stopped happening so much. 

 

Now looking back I still don't know for sure what was going on but I did wish I had a camera to show tape the situation ... in the home at least so I would know for sure.  

I do wonder if it is just a memory problem caused by the drugs or recovery from them... that is what I think it came down to yet I was so sure I did not spend money I would sometimes look at my bank account and see where I was that I had spent it... often it would take some time even after seeing what store I had been in to recall what I bought there.  I think for me it was a memory problem and yes I think it had something to do with the drugs... not sure it was a seizure disorder as they did testing and could not find any seizure on the e...whatever I can't recall the rest of the letters there was something a bit off but not seizures. 

 

Still I hope it helps you to know that I was completely convinced it was not me... and it turns out it likely was... I say likely now because I don't back down easily am stubborn...and because when I was sure I did not do something I was very very sure... sadly I was sure I did not spend that money too... and that really sucks as it sucks to not recall your own life. 

On the upside it did get better in time I have no idea why it would get better I did nothing to "treat" it...it just happened on its own gradually happened less and less.  

hope this helps somewhat and don't worry about whining I feel like doing that a lot... hate a dirty house too and have lived in one since the last car accident... that alone is enough to make me whine... but I turn away and keep my sanity as that is more important to me and wait to get better ... distraction is a good as a rest... I find ..I hope you find some things to make you days good. 

I wish you peace

[tezza]

I came here to update tonight but meds have kicked in and I don't want to post some off the wall crap.

 

I'll try to update tomorrow

[tezza]

Thank you, both, Jemima and btdt.

 

I sincerely appreciate the prayers, J!

 

One evening I got really angry at the person I thought was doing the things. My husband was in the front yard mowing the grass. I thought I'd take some mail to my son. (Can't remember if I already posted this or not). I was saying BAD things about the person's mother because I was so angry. I got clean clothes and took them to the bathroom and got in the shower.

 

While in the shower, I was still shouting the 'bad mother things'. I showered quickly and when I got out and looked at my clothes, there was a stamped envelope (bill) that I'd propped up beside my Bible on the coffee table, laying on top of my clothes.

 

While granddaughter was here, she was checking a shoe box full of markers to see if they were still good. She found a twin Sharpie, fine tip and regular tip on the other end. She liked it and I told her if I had another like it, I'd give it to her. She laid it on the coffee table. Then, a few minutes later she found a red one just like the black one she'd laid down. The black one she'd laid down was GONE!

 

She looked diligently for that black twin marker although neither of us had picked it up and we BOTH knew we hadn't. She even looked underneath the couch with a flashlight and raked out from under it with a walking cane.

 

While we were in TN, I told her if it came back I'd give it to her. One day this week I went outside to get the paper, when I walked in the front door, it was laying just under the front of the couch, in plain view! An ink pen that I had laid on the coffee table was laying in the path one morning when I was coming in from getting the paper.

 

A wall charger for my cell phone battery was here one evening. It's a little box with prongs that goes directly into the outlet,so you can charge an extra battery. I had just gotten one that I'd ordered, a couple of days before but it was a desktop that you plug the cell phone charger into.

 

There have been ghosts (at least one) here since we first moved here in the 80's. Things happened but not daily like they do now. I am beginning to think I do do some of the things. Maybe I'm doing it all, I don't know anymore.

 

I'm mailing the money that child handed to me back to the McDonald's in TN. My husband said they would just stick it in their pocket. I told him it won't be on my conscience. Someone suggested I give it to someone that needs it but I told them it's not mine to give. I obviously can't find the child so all I know to do is send it to the place it was lost. I wish I'd figured it out before I left the restaurant!

 

I saw my doc yesterday and he upped the seroquel to 300mg but I didn't get it filled. My doc said I'm getting a little out of his league and wasn't really comfortable doing that. I'm really scared to go up to that. I'd rather go down than up! He referred my to a different psychiatrist but he is 'out of network'. I really wish he wasn't because he seems to care about his patients. He even gives his cell number on his voice mail (in case of an est. patient emergency). Otherwise he will return your call in the evening.

 

I have an appointment today with the ophthalmologist so I can't stay and read today.

 

Thank you all for caring about me and my issues.

 

Love, hugs and healing to y'all!