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tezza

tezza: risperdal withdrawal

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tezza

Well I mailed the $40 back to the McDonald's in TN. The lady at the PO said if it were her she'd put it in the plate at church but I didn't feel it was mine to give. I prayed that it would go to the right hands. It's off my conscience now, thankfully!

 

If something like that ever happens again, I WILL take the time right then to check my purse. Guilt eats at me and depresses me. I can't deal with feeling guilty about something like that. I do believe God will put it in the hands of someone that REALLY needs it. I have to believe that for my own peace of mind.

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Meimeiquest

Hi Tezza, how are things going? Thinking of you!

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tezza

I made a post but for some reason it didn't post.

 

Please remove my membership from the forum. I can't support leaving medications off. I can't leave medications off.

 

I have nothing but love for you all and wish you all the best.

 

I will sincerely appreciate your honoring my request to be removed.

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tezza

I am SO desperate to be well. I had hoped to be able to get down to 50 mg of Seroquel but it's not going to happen. I slowly got to 75 but I'm going to have to go back up to 100 at least, maybe higher. I wish the Risperdal had not had the very bad adverse effects. I've been told that when I was on it I was better than I'd ever been.

 

I'm sorry I'm not able to help others, I can't even help my own self.

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tezza

I will be updating here. I have resigned as moderator because I can't get off psych meds. Even after an extremely slow taper I ended up VERY unwell and it's been over a year since restarting psych meds but still not well.

 

I do have 'windows' I suppose. I feel really hopeless and desperate. I can't help being envious of people with 'a life'. I'm trying very very hard not to get any bitterness of not having happiness that I see others with.

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Barbarannamated

Tezza,

Thank you for sharing your experience and insight. I'm in a very similar place. I think it's important to know how more people are doing and how they've tried to stabilized after attempting to taper.

 

Love to you always. Xo

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Tilly

Tezza,

 

So nice to meet you.

 

I have never had the pleasure of speaking to you before, but after catching your thread and reading through the last few pages of it, I felt compelled to write to you.

 

You are a courageous woman of integrity. You have survived many challenges and will continue to do so. Of this, I have no doubt.

 

Your drug status is neither an indicator of the person you are, neither can it detract from the core of who you are. Your true self is evident within every single post that you have written. It shines through.

 

You are definitely not a failure. You are a strong, vibrant woman, full of courage and a sense of self and what is true to you.

 

I admire and respect the person that you are. I wish you peace and the best of everything in all that you do.

 

You are a shining star a woman of great strength and value.

 

I do not pray, but I light a candle daily and meditate on it and good intentions for all of those who I hold close to my heart and never far from my thoughts.

 

My daily candle will now burn for you too. I hope that it shines a light on all that you are, what you mean to others and brings you peace.

 

Be kind to yourself, Tezza. You are worth so much more than you currently know. I hope that peace finds you soon and becomes a constant and loyal companion to you.

 

Much love and huge hugs.

 

Tilly x

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Meimeiquest

Tezza, I just want to thank you for the kindness that you have shown me. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry it has been so hard. I pray you and your family can work together to find a place of peace and stability for you.

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tezza

Thank you, Barb, Tilly and Meimei. I wish I'd never got the stupid thought that I HAD to get off the meds. I just needed to try to find the right meds and I'm not sure I've done so but I'm still trying. I wish the Risperidone had not had the intolerable side effects because it helped more than the Seroquel according to people around me.

 

I've been told that I seemed to do better on it than I EVER had before. I also wish I had not left off the Neurontin because it helped with more than one thing. I got it in my head that I JUST HAD TO GET OFF MEDS. What a huge MISTAKE! I have not had much of a life since making that mistake.

 

Why on earth did I think I HAD TO DO THAT?

 

I don't feel like a very strong person, Tilly but I really really appreciate the kind and loving words you said to me. I do love ALL people no matter what or how they feel about me but I don't love myself very much I'm afraid. Your words made me feel special in a way though so I sincerely appreciate it.

 

Much love and huge hugs to all!

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Altostrata

tezza, you've been very brave and very generous to everyone.

 

You've minimized the drugs you were taking. You were taking Xanax, SOMA, Lorcet, Neurontin, Lamictal, and Risperdal! That's a lot of drugs for one person. When you came here, you could barely type a sentence. And along the way, you've helped many people.

 

If the Risperdal was intolerable, you had to make a change. That is what intolerable means.

 

According to the people around you? Did they prefer you when you were on 6 drugs and so stupefied you could barely speak? What's important now is, how do you feel?

 

Please don't use this as an occasion to be so cruel to yourself. You've accomplished a great deal. Let it be and follow your own light.

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tezza

Dearest Alto, I can't type at all... I 'one finger' all my posts. I WISH I could type. I'm still on xanax, soma, pain meds, mirtazipine and seroquel so I'm not very much accomplished. I don't drive... Had to sign a pain management form agreeing not to drive.

 

I feel like a piece of garbage... I'm sorry... I just wish I could find peace and happiness. You all are the STRONG ones. I've been crying most of the day... Not very strong... I'm scared of everything... Literally. Im not sleeping very well again. My nerves are shot. I feel good for nothing or no one at this point in my life. I feel sorry for my husband that I've divorced twice and begged back twice.

 

I'm such a freakin' loser

 

I'm so sorry... I don't mean to be so negative.

 

Tilly, you were wrong but your words were sweet. Alto, you are very special to a lot of people. Meimei, so are you and Barb. Barb, I've thought about you often... You always came to my rescue at some of my desperate times.

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tezza

Was going to post but that seems to be controlled somehow

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tezza

I DO have a God that hears me at least. I'm EXPECTING a miracle

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tezza

I thought I'd been kidnapped when I went to that hospital. I thought I'd never see home again. I NEVER wish that on anyone, EVER! After my best friend passed I totally lost my mind for a while. I'd wished for the Mania I'd read about (thinking I was great) but will be careful not to wish for it again. I thought that would be better than the deep dark depression but it wasn't because I had no rational thoughts but thought I was the only one that was thinking right.

 

I had others to sway my paranoia by their thoughts and fears (friend's son). My husband KNEW I'd been very unwell for six months according to what he told daughter. Finally it came to a point that I couldn't be left alone. Have been very scared at times again but getting better.

 

trying to focus on positive things... I must

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tezza

im much more careful about letting others put thoughts of theirs in my mind now. And you are right, as usual, Alto... I'm not on the high doses I was before. I'm sorry I was so negative in the other post. None of us are 'garbage'.

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tezza

Just dropping in to update.... I've began seeing my first psychiatrist again. Now wishing I'd worked with him and taken his advice. I should've let him know the Risperdal was having adverse effects. He really is a good doctor that knows what he's doing. Lack of communication on my part because of paranoia was the problem.

 

I'm ok but still struggling with concentration, focus and some depression. Physical health has deteriorated much in past couple of years and this doesn't help the depression at all. Actually, a couple of years ago I babysat my 2-1/2 yr old granddaughter for a couple of weeks and I haven't been the same since. It was too much for me and I knew it but there was no other way.

 

I hope you are all doing well! I think of you all but can't come and post since I'm still taking psych meds and always will. It's just what I have to do to remain stable. I hope you all understand, I can't go off the meds.

 

Sending you all love, well wishes and hope!

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Barbarannamated

Tezza,

I rarely check in here, but I'm glad to see your update here.

 

I doubt that I'll ever get off all drugs, but have an appointment tomorrow with a CNP who seems willing to work with me.

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tezza

Barb, I hope you get the help you need. I rarely check in either because I don't have any good news.

 

I will never be well, I've come to that conclusion. I'm still depressed, paranoid, have thoughts that others in my family believe are delusional. I don't know whether they are right or not because what I believe is real to me. The other Doctor I went to seemed to think my thoughts were delusional if I remember correctly.

 

I will never be free of severe physical pain and of course that doesn't help the depression at all. My whole family is going thru hell and there's nothing I can do. I'm scared a lot. I'm just not in a very good place.

 

I can't help but wonder why and who decided that I deserve the hell I am living. I look forward to NOTHING! I have NO happy times.

 

I will never trust anyone new in my life again. I pray to just die because I have no life anyway. I've stopped driving, I go nowhere unless I just really MUST!

 

Thanks for replying Barb and I really hope you get help.

 

Love to you! Xo

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AliG

Tezza.  There are times when we all feel this way but we keep going. I'm so sorry for your pain - I get it. This is some kind of hell that is  quite inexplicable . So sorry .

It does start to improve though in time.

Much love .

A

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tezza

Thank you ALig but I still pray to die almost every day, if not every day. I am not suicidal at all but I pray to die. I think there's a difference.

 

Now, I've began falling a lot. I use a cane ALL the time and it is extremely difficult to stand from a sitting position. My spouse installed a handicap commode but it's very hard to get up. I love my family and feel I'm a burden to my spouse. I can't help anyone if I can't even help myself. Sometimes I fall even though I'm using a cane. My legs just won't stand up! They just collapse. I have a walker but it won't go everywhere, like in the bathroom or up and down the steps from the porch. I'm not looking for pity, so I hope no one thinks that. I just want to stop this existence. It's not getting better, EVERYTHING in my life seems to be getting worse!

 

I'm supposed to get some sort of shot in my butt cheek to see if this will help. Still.... My whole family is going through hell on earth and I don't and can't understand WHY!!!!!

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Barbarannamated

Tezza, I'm so sad to hear of how you're doing. I understand your feelings about wanting this existence to end, but not being suicidal. It is very different. I think the physical disabilties make it much harder.

 

Love, B

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Griqua
On 5/7/2013 at 9:01 AM, tezza said:

Hi medsurvivor,

 

Welcome! It sounds like you've come a long way. I'm anxious to hear more about your experience.

 

I'm tapering Risperdal too, have been since July '11.

 

We're glad you've joined us!

 

Tezza how Are you doing today ?

Edited by ChessieCat

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Carmie

Hi tezza, 

 

How are you doing? Sending hugs🤗

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