tezza: risperdal withdrawal

[tezza]

(Continued )

 

By now, my husband was 18 yrs old and could get into bars. He started leaving me alone on weekends to go to what he called "ti**y bars. I was wondering what was wrong with me, after all, he could see me without paying.

 

My husband seldom spoke to me unless he was cutting me down. During sex, he'd tell me that I wasn't enough for him. He'd tell me I was ugly and no other man could ever want me. He told me he wanted someone else. He said he needed someone else. I cried a lot and felt so desperate.

 

I tried so hard to please him but all my efforts were useless. He really drilled into my head all the terrible things he was saying. I was brainwashed and could only see 'ugly' in the mirror. I was 17 yrs old and plenty of the opposite sex showed me plenty of attention. He knew this and made sure to tell me all they wanted was sex. I guess I tended to believe that was it, after all I'd lost my virginity at age 14 from date rape by my first boyfriend. I'd never told anyone other than him about that. He even used that to hurt me. He said I'd had someone before him so he should have someone else too.

 

Anyone in their right mind would've left him but I wasn't in my right mind. I was terribly brainwashed and thought I loved him so much. He actually owned me, I was no more than a possession to him. He continued to go out every weekend while I sat at home and cried.

 

There were some happier times here and there. He would be very good to me for short periods. He had learned how to keep me hanging on. I think I worshipped the ground he walked on and thought I couldn't live without him. I kept the house spotless and tried to look as pretty as possible to him. None of it made any difference.

 

Back home, my mother continued to leave off her meds and get 'sick'. By then, a new facility had been built in Rome, GA. The building was a lot nicer but it was still a depressing and awful place. The stories my mother would tell, when she'd get better, were horrific.

 

I finally decided to stay and take it until it didn't hurt anymore. When I was sure I could leave without wanting to go back or missing him, I went back home to my parent's. He'd made me totally dependent by refusing to allow me to work. So my parents were all I had to turn to.

 

After a few days, here he came. He wanted to talk and I said "no, there's nothing to talk about". He begged me to go for a ride and at least let him talk to me. Well, he promised not to go to the bars ever again. He loved and missed me so much that his pillow was still wet from his crying all night...blah, blah, blah. I've always been very tender-hearted, plus he still knew how to manipulate me. I went back, believing he really meant all of it.

 

Around my 19th BD, my husband lost his job. There was nothing to do there in the tiny town where we lived. We were 18 miles from Jimmy Carter's hometown. Seemed like everyone grew peanuts. My husband had had a Foreman position for a tree surgeon company, headquartered in Columbus. There were no jobs around there.

 

My daddy offered to get him a job with him, in Atlanta, doing construction work. The people that rented the house next door to my parents were three months behind on rent. My father said he would give them an eviction notice of 30 days and then we could have that house. He was happy to have a job so we moved.

 

Things went okay for a couple of months and of course I was happy to be home. I got pregnant about the same time. I was happy to be pregnant and hoped for the best. But, my happiness was short-lived.

 

My husband soon started with the mean and hateful sex talk again. He also learned where the bars were in Atlanta. Here we go again, only now I was pregnant. My first son was born Nov. 1977. Now he really had me where he wanted. He constantly told me no man would ever want me and I knew I couldn't support myself and a child. I felt trapped and stuck.

 

(To be continued )

 

Love and well wishes to all,

 

T

[tezza]

(Barb, I think you may be the only one reading so let me know if I'm giving TMI. I know it's a long story but I'm leaving out a lot of it. God bless you for reading. I need badly to tell the story about my life.)

 

T

[Barbarannamated]

Tezza ~

I feel like im reading a novel as it's being written. You are a very gifted writer. I'm just so sorry that it is your true painful life story. It's absolutely NOT TMI - you are safe in sharing whatever feels right.

I have a little window into life choice made when options and safe places are limited. I don't ever want to claim that 'I know how you feel' or equate or compare our situations, but I have some understanding of how lack of self-sufficiency effects the choices we make. People ask why I didn't leave my situation long ago but nobody understands how difficult that is when the avenues of gainful employment have been closed off for so many years and I have no family to go to (that I feel safe with).

THANK YOU for being so brave and open in sharing how you've felt trapped and how it has shaped your choices.

{{{HUGS}}}

Im sure others are reading and waiting for the next chapter -

[tezza]

Barb,

 

Thank you so much for your kindness. {{{HUGS}}} I know you understand me somewhat just as I do you and your situation. You explained it very well.

 

I also thank you for your comment on my writing. It has always been a gift, I feel. It was one of my dreams as a child, to become a writer. Many times I've thought of writing a Biography, but feared my secrets being published for the world to know. As I stated, a lot is being left out, even now. I feel a little better just sharing it w someone like you. Thank you so much for letting me know that you are reading.

 

{{{MORE HUGS}}}

 

T

[tezza]

Oh, and I really do know my gifts and talents are nowhere near what they were originally. I just wish wisdom concerning matters of life and happiness had been among them.

[Altostrata]

tezza, your story is touching and universal! You're writing it very well. Thank you.

[Barbarannamated]

Tezza,

I also understand the added challenge of being in a small town with few jobs or opportunities. My hometown had the distinction of having the highest unemployment rate in the nation when I was in high school. It's tough to even imagine the possibilities or opportunities when it's been drilled into me to hold onto ANY job or income until another one is a sure thing. A Peer Specialist wrote about this in a blog, I think. She grew up in W PA and feels that being surrounded by economic depression had a profound effect on her. I don't like to look for reasons for why I am as I am, but I don't want to block out the things that have shaped me either. I think to acknowledge their impact is important to moving past. Just my 2 cents.

[tezza]

Update:

 

My mood has improved, not so depressed. I have some motivation to do things, as opposed to forcing myself. I'm sleeping better and don't have a lot of anxiety. Even the ringing has started to subside, I don't have it right now and the last couple of days it hasn't been as loud. Twitches are much less frequent, as well. I do still have the 'guilt complex' and feel like I'm the most awful person as far as guilt and shame are concerned. I'm very careful each day to make efforts not to do anything to add any more guilty feelings.

 

Maybe I'm finally stabilizing at the current dose; however, I'm not rocking the boat. I'll hold for a few weeks because I don't want to take any chance of the deep, dark depression or any of the other WD symptoms, returning. The tinnitus didn't appear until the last taper; therefore, I believe the cuts had caught up w me.

 

The symptoms have definitely been much milder this week. I'm definitely not 100% yet, but very grateful for the relief.

 

Love,

 

T

[tezza]

Alto,

 

I just found your reply. Thank you so much for allowing me to share my long story. Thank you for the comment on my writing and for taking the time to read it. I know it's long but it sure is helpful to be getting it out. Just knowing that some are reading makes me feel like I'm talking and someone is listening. I can never thank you enough for all you've done and are still doing.

[Altostrata]

tezza, it sounds like you're doing better and that's enough reward for me!

[tezza]

I'm in sorta of a bad window and have been for a few days. I will continue the story of my life as soon as I'm able. I'm sorry it's taking so long, to anyone that's been reading.

 

T

[Karma]

Hugs to you, Tezza

 

I'm reading your story, too. I had an emotionally abusive husband who walked out on me ... it didn't take me long to realize what a blessing that was. I'm so sorry for your difficult path, but thank you for sharing. When you are ready to share more, I'll be reading it and supporting you.

 

I agree with Barb, this is a safe place for you to tell your story and unburden yourself ... and I just appreciate your courage to share.

 

 

Love and light

Karma

[tezza]

I'm sorry it's taking me so long to continue w my story. I'm concerned and fearful about my sister-in-law. She was in her local hospital last wk and is now in Metro Atlanta hospital. A 'tap' is being done today and a surgeon told her she'd likely have surgery Thursday. She stayed w me and helped w my bro the last two wks he lived. We've kept in touch briefly every few wks since. I'm experiencing anxiety and depression about this. Only she and my brother's first wife have made any effort to keep in touch since He passed. Except for one aunt that passed about a month after brother. I pray you are all doing well.

 

Love,

T

[Barbarannamated]

Tezza -

Please keep us posted when you can - we are here for you -

HUGS HUGS HUGS

Barb

[Karma]

I'm sorry it's taking me so long to continue w my story. I'm concerned and fearful about my sister-in-law. She was in her local hospital last wk and is now in Metro Atlanta hospital. A 'tap' is being done today and a surgeon told her she'd likely have surgery Thursday. She stayed w me and helped w my bro the last two wks he lived. We've kept in touch briefly every few wks since. I'm experiencing anxiety and depression about this. Only she and my brother's first wife have made any effort to keep in touch since He passed. Except for one aunt that passed about a month after brother. I pray you are all doing well.

 

Love,

T

 

Hey Tezza,

 

It is normal to feel anxious and depressed when someone we care about is in the hospital ... be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. We are here for you and whenever you are ready to tell more of your story, we'll be here to listen.

 

Karma

[Skyler]

She stayed w me and helped w my bro the last two wks he lived. We've kept in touch briefly every few wks since. I'm experiencing anxiety and depression about this. Only she and my brother's first wife have made any effort to keep in touch since He passed. Except for one aunt that passed about a month after brother. I pray you are all doing well.

 

Love,

T

 

I am most very sorry to hear this. Your sister-in-law is an important part of your family, so give yourself a hug, and pass one on to her as well.. she is a grand person who lives in your heart. Strokes to you for treasuring her.

[tezza]

Update :

 

My sister-in-law was released from hospital Sunday after having surgery to drain two liters of fluid from one lung.

 

One reason I'm having a problem finishing my story is the horrible guilt I feel. I'll try to sum it up, at least.

 

In 1981 my second child was born. My father passed away when she was six mos old. After moving next door to my parents, I'd been the one that had to assist my father in getting my mother to the hospital when she'd leave off meds and get 'sick'. (Instead of my two older bros.) After my father passed away it was my place to do it. I only had to do it once because her pdoc put her on a shot of Prolixen - every two wks; therefore, I now feel guilty for making sure she 'got well'. I was a part of making sure she was medicated. Only now, do I understand that she was not getting 'sick', but withdrawing.

 

I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever get better. Each taper I made was after I'd had only a couple of nights of sleep. I know now that I didn't wait long enough. I know now that it's a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. I should've waited it out until I really was adjusted at the lower dose each time. It's been almost 13 wks since my last taper. I just had several days of sleeping better, then almost a week of waking around 4am again. The tinnitus was better for a few days but came back yesterday and today. I feel so lost and hopeless. Will I ever really get adjusted to .375 of Risperdal? I've been tempted several times to go back up in dosage but I keep trying to believe that if I wait longer that I will adjust.

 

If anyone can give any hope or advice, I will appreciate it so much. Can anyone tell me what Risperdal is similar to, in relation to the other meds on this forum? I need some hope so badly. I can't think straight w this constant ringing in my head. Also, the muscle twitches got better for a few days, now today, that's worse again. Please God help us!

 

I feel like I'm being punished for insisting that my mother stayed on meds. I had no way of knowing that she was in WD. She passed away in '03. She'd had a massive stroke about 10 yrs prior to her death. I don't want to live like this, it's a miserable life, but I'm not ready to die yet either. Oh Lord, I don't know what to believe anymore.

[Skyler]

I need some hope so badly. I can't think straight w this constant ringing in my head. Also, the muscle twitches got better for a few days, now today, that's worse again. Please God help us!

 

I feel like I'm being punished for insisting that my mother stayed on meds. I had no way of knowing that she was in WD. She passed away in '03. She'd had a massive stroke about 10 yrs prior to her death. I don't want to live like this, it's a miserable life, but I'm not ready to die yet either. Oh Lord, I don't know what to believe anymore.

 

Hi Tezza, I'm sorry you are feeling so low. You could not do any better for your mother than you did for yourself. Stop mentally flagellating yourself for not being clairvoyant. We can not be more than we were. Mercifully, life does not work this way. I'm not religious in a formal sense, but think of this pass as divine, or rather, universal grace.You are exonerated and forgiven. By any chance, do you have a tendency to become very guilty about other issues as well?

 

I can identify with the problems you are having with tinnitus. It's enough to make you want to go round the bend.. but you had a window, a positive indicator, so the tinnitus will resolve as time passes. Muscle twitches.. I had those when I was on benzos and never knew the cause. These too will pass. Problem is, how to distract yourself in the meantime. What activities make you feel good.. a movie, a walk. Activities that enhance your self esteem, relieve stress, and transport you to a better place.

[tezza]

Schuyler,

 

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I do have other issues w guilt complex; therefore, I try really hard not to do anything that causes any guilty feelings. I feel very unworthy and just worthless. I feel like I've made such a mess of my life.

 

There's nothing that really makes me feel any better. I try to find a movie on TV that will interest me but can't find anything. I go outdoors and walk to get exercise and hopefully to help stabilize my nervous system. I'm losing hope, I'm afraid. Do you still have tinnitus? I didn't have it until the last taper. Since it started, I'd have a day now and then, that it would silence. Then I had three days in a row without it and really started to hope it was gone. I also thought maybe I was getting adjusted to that last taper although my mood was still very low. It's weird to me that others here usually have the worst of anxiety and low mood in the mornings but I'm just the opposite. My mood gets lower as the day progresses.

[Skyler]

Schuyler,

 

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I do have other issues w guilt complex; therefore, I try really hard not to do anything that causes any guilty feelings. I feel very unworthy and just worthless. I feel like I've made such a mess of my life.

Is depression kicking in and making the guilt worse? Try talking to yourself and mindfully pulling the plug on some of those ideas?.. Very difficult, really a tough go.

 

There's nothing that really makes me feel any better. I try to find a movie on TV that will interest me but can't find anything. I go outdoors and walk to get exercise and hopefully to help stabilize my nervous system. I'm losing hope, I'm afraid. Do you still have tinnitus? I didn't have it until the last taper. Since it started, I'd have a day now and then, that it would silence. Then I had three days in a row without it and really started to hope it was gone. I also thought maybe I was getting adjusted to that last taper although my mood was still very low. It's weird to me that others here usually have the worst of anxiety and low mood in the mornings but I'm just the opposite. My mood gets lower as the day progresses.

My ears are singing a merry bellsy tune on typing this reply. Argh. I'm slowly bringing myself around to the fact I may need to hold the benzo taper. For now, I'm slowing more, down to .02 mgs reduction every two days. That's close to half the speed I was going.. slower eveb than the last cut, so maybe this will turn the tide. Tinnitus has to rank right up there with the worst withdrawal symptoms because it is so present, and in your face.

 

I used to have anxiety that got worse in the AM.. and then I realized it was related to coffee as it would remit by 2PM every day. Is there anything you may be doing/eating in the mornings that is fueling your anxiety. the mood stuff sounds like it is related to the amount of energy you are using to deal with withdrawal. A tough go.. keep posting, K?

[Barbarannamated]

Tezza -

So good to hear from you -

I will post more when I'm on better computer -

You've been thru so much trauma recently - I can't imagine how everything must be intensified as your body adapts -

Alto will have the best advice but my feeling is to not put additional stress on yourself feeling you must taper now -

Risperdal is a different class and I'm not as familiar with it but will read up -

{{{HUGS}}}

[tezza]

Schuyler,

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you're still experiencing the ringing, too. You're right it is tough to cope with. I don't eat hardly at all; however, I usually drink coffee till noon as opposed to all day before the insomnia.

 

I will eat almost anything after I take meds at night, though, and that's a bad thing. I'm not losing any of the weight I've gained since I started the meds. My metabolism is really screwed. I try to make myself eat something in the AM to wake my metabolism up, but even though I feel hungry, I just can't eat. Thank you for your kindness and encouragement.

 

Love,

T

[tezza]

Barb,

 

So good to hear from you, as well!!! Maybe your issues w computer will get resolved soon. Are you still able to get out some. That seemed to help you so I hope you are feeling up to it. You are a precious person and have so much to deal with. I don't post a lot when I'm in a very low mood, and sometimes I can't bear to even get near the computer for any reason when I get so down. Thank you for being my friend.

 

Love you,

T

[Altostrata]

Barb and Schuyler, your advice is just fine!

 

tezza, you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Don't blame yourself. You're not being punished for anything you did. None of us is. We've all had medical accidents.

 

Forgiving yourself for mistakes is something many of us have a lot of trouble learning.

[Skyler]

I made a 'postal' mistake here.. but use the space to say I too will be reading up on Risperdal.. and hope Barb can share some resources? More and more people are being put on the so called major tranquilizers, an unconscionable crime.

[Barbarannamated]

Tezza,

Just wanted to alert you to this doc who just requested to be included on the site as treating physician. In Atlanta. Don't recall how close that is to you. He and his wife have very interesting works. Her website link is on his.

 

Recommended Doctors

Charles Whitfield, MD

[tezza]

Thank you, Barb,

 

It's about 1.5 hrs away - more or less, depending exact location. I want to check that out. Thank you so much!

 

Love,

T

[Skyler]

Thank you, Barb,

 

It's about 1.5 hrs away - more or less, depending exact location. I want to check that out. Thank you so much!

 

Love,

T

 

Gosh Tezza.. You are close enough to drive.. WOW. Wouldn't that be grand! I'm going to see my PC in a couple of hours, and am so grateful that he is not your usual top down authority MD. In other words, he really listens. I'm glad to read of another here who might be even better served. Way to go. YES!

[tezza]

Hi Barb and Schuyler,

 

I emailed Dr Whitfield yesterday to try and find out if I'll be able to afford his services. Now I'll just wait to see what happens with it. I so hope and pray that it will be affordable. Then if it is, I'll have to find someone that can drive me to Atlanta. Gone are the days that I could go there alone. I miss those days so badly! I used to drive other people there. Sigh...

 

Is it possible that I may not be able to ever get off Risperdal (risperidone)? A friend of mine has a friend who said she CANNOT come off of it. I'm still holding 13 wks since my last taper. I'm still riding on the waves. I have no motivation even on a somewhat good day.

 

My family is definitely losing patience w me. Confrontations are starting. This makes things so much more difficult. I sat down today and apologized to them for being the way I am and tried to explain that I'm not trying to be hard to live with. It seems like they are all blaming me for the neuro-emotions I'm having. Like the fact that I worry a lot and call to check on my son and his girlfriend. My husband has started to yell at me for doing that. I already felt so alone and now I feel more alone. I know they don't understand and they will never understand.

 

Is it really possible for me to come off this horrible and powerful med? I want to, but am wondering if it's possible.

[tezza]

I think they are hating me and I just let them fuss and cuss at me and eventually I snap. That's something I left out of the end of my story. After years of verbal abuse and holding everything inside, one day I couldn't hold it anymore. When that day came, it didn't matter who was around or where I was, if something hit me the wrong way I'd explode. It happened once in City Hall with a complete stranger. A man tried to break in line in front of me and I was holding my firstborn son on my hip. It was 1978, if now the law would've been called. Now in my condition, I'm holding in again. I don't know how much more I can stand.

[Barbarannamated]

Tezza,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I wish I was nearby and we could go see Dr. Whitfield together. I'm sure he will know how to advise you. I think there are ALOT of people who have tried to get off these drugs, did it too fast and went back on thinking (and being told by doc) that they couldn't discontinue it or had to stay on forever. Keep in mind that someone who tried to DC and went back on has personal feelings wrapped up in it. I know ALOT of people taking SS/NRIs and all say they need it/must take it/can't get off it for whatever reason. I don't attempt to convince them otherwise. I think it's a realization that we have to come to on our own and proceed at individual rate.

 

I had some anger outbursts that scared me early on. I held so much in, too. I'm hoping to find that healthy middle ground. Perhaps Dr. Whitfield can shed some light on that also. Maybe hearing it from a doc might help at home?

 

{{{HUGS}}}

[meistersinger]

I think they are hating me and I just let them fuss and cuss at me and eventually I snap. That's something I left out of the end of my story. After years of verbal abuse and holding everything inside, one day I couldn't hold it anymore. When that day came, it didn't matter who was around or where I was, if something hit me the wrong way I'd explode. It happened once in City Hall with a complete stranger. A man tried to break in line in front of me and I was holding my firstborn son on my hip. It was 1978, if now the law would've been called. Now in my condition, I'm holding in again. I don't know how much more I can stand.

 

I can relate, I blew up at my psych's nurse about 2 weeks ago. It just got to the point with the brother I live with that he can not and will not acknowledge that there is such a thing as mental illness. Ditto with my other brothers (except maybe my youngest). Yes, they acknowledge Mom was mentally ill toward the end of her life. But, it I tell them I'm seeing the same problems in myself, I get cursed out and told to man up and fly right. For example, I have issues handling money. I was the living example of the saying "when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping." I have been that way for as long as I can remember. It is one of the indications of Aspergers, at least from what I can ascertain. I spent some money earlier this year (while I was manic) using Paypal's Bill Me Later Service to purchase computer and VOIP hardware for a job that later fell through, due to provisions in the contract I did not agree with. I'm still trying to pay that off. This same brother is still after me for almost 2K I owe on household expenses (Since the executor of the estate pushed it all off on him.

 

For the last several years, I've had to walk on eggshells around everybody, since the slightest misstep would start World War III. I've a feeling there's also been a problem with co-dependence, as there was a lot of corporal punishment and mental abuse going on as I was growing up. (Stands to reason, since Mom and Dad came from broken and abusive homes.) I always felt (and still feel like) damaged goods. However, no one in the family will believe me when I say I have problems.

[tezza]

Barb,

 

Thank you for the encouragement. I wish you were here too, so we could go together to see Dr Whitfield. Thanks again for giving me the link to his website. ( He replied to my email and is reasonable considering his expertise.) I'm so blessed to have you all here. I appreciate Alto so much for all of her time, research, efforts, etc. There's no way I could express my gratitude for all she's done for us and for creating a place where we could all meet.

 

So many times my heart aches for each gut wrenching story from a fellow survivor and I want so badly to say something knowledgeable to help and console. My brain is just not functioning the way it needs to be and I'm always afraid that ill say something stupid. I hope you all understand that if I knew how, I'd help each and every one of you if only I had the self confidence to make sense. I feel deeply indebted to all of y'all for your kindness and encouragement.

 

I remember you saying that you're preparing to remove yourself from your situation. Do you have a plan yet? I also know GA is a favorite place of yours and I wish you were here! I know it's not that easy but maybe things will soon get better for you.

[tezza]

Meistersinger,

 

Thank you for your reply and letting me know that you can relate. I'm so sorry about your relationships w your brothers. I can relate there, too. My brothers only contacted me when they wanted or needed something. Now I only have one brother left and he wouldn't pi** down my throat if my a** was on fire, sad but true.

 

It's probably a good thing PayPal doesn't work for me. I'm sorry you got in the mix with that and have that additional stress on you now. It could've been me just as easily. Especially, since I hate going anywhere. These days, though, I'm not motivated to even purchase anything ( other than supplements to ease WD symptoms ).

 

Thank you for your reply and for you, also, I hope things get better soon. It seems a lot of us here are having family issues adding to our problems.

 

I'd post more but I'm having trouble w vision at the moment.

 

Love T

[Altostrata]

tezza, you need some emotional support, in person, to help you through your recovery. Maybe group therapy?

 

Here's the National Empowerment Center http://www.power2u.org/consumerrun-statewide.html There's an affiliate in Georgia you might contact.

 

You might try this therapist directory on Psychology Today http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/state/Georgia.html

 

Try phoning or e-mailing therapists near you and ask if they have therapy groups or know of one you can join. Most have a sliding scale for payment.

[meistersinger]

 

I think they are hating me and I just let them fuss and cuss at me and eventually I snap. That's something I left out of the end of my story. After years of verbal abuse and holding everything inside, one day I couldn't hold it anymore. When that day came, it didn't matter who was around or where I was, if something hit me the wrong way I'd explode. It happened once in City Hall with a complete stranger. A man tried to break in line in front of me and I was holding my firstborn son on my hip. It was 1978, if now the law would've been called. Now in my condition, I'm holding in again. I don't know how much more I can stand.

 

I can relate, I blew up at my psych's nurse about 2 weeks ago. It just got to the point with the brother I live with that he can not and will not acknowledge that there is such a thing as mental illness. Ditto with my other brothers (except maybe my youngest). Yes, they acknowledge Mom was mentally ill toward the end of her life. But, it I tell them I'm seeing the same problems in myself, I get cursed out and told to man up and fly right. For example, I have issues handling money. I was the living example of the saying "when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping." I have been that way for as long as I can remember. It is one of the indications of Aspergers, at least from what I can ascertain. I spent some money earlier this year (while I was manic) using Paypal's Bill Me Later Service to purchase computer and VOIP hardware for a job that later fell through, due to provisions in the contract I did not agree with. I'm still trying to pay that off. This same brother is still after me for almost 2K I owe on household expenses (Since the executor of the estate pushed it all off on him.

 

For the last several years, I've had to walk on eggshells around everybody, since the slightest misstep would start World War III. I've a feeling there's also been a problem with co-dependence, as there was a lot of corporal punishment and mental abuse going on as I was growing up. (Stands to reason, since Mom and Dad came from broken and abusive homes.) I always felt (and still feel like) damaged goods. However, no one in the family will believe me when I say I have problems.

 

In fact, with the exception of my youngest brother and his wife, my other brothers won't even acknowledge why I started on the slippery slope of antidepressants in the first place. When I moved back east from Chicago to PA in 1991, I started hearing voices in my head. Hearing an entire music score in my head is something different: I'm a classically trained musician, with an emphasis in music history and a master's in library science (any wonder I can't find work). It's quite a different thing to hear the voices in my head curse me out and telling me I should kill myself. I never followed through (as a Baptist growing up, the only thing they and the Catholic church agreed on was if you committed suicide you were condemned to eternal damnation.) Even then, no one in the family, even my mother, believed me. After that, additional issues, such as falling asleep in the men's room when I worked at the Pentagon, or frequent migraine headaches when I worked as an employee for one of Apple Computer's contractors made the situation worse. I ended up on Viibryd, which is the devil incarnate as far as I'm concerned, shortly before Mom's death this past November. It didn't help, when she got sick in July, shortly after I lost my job delivering pizza due to a traffic ticket (and told not to come back), she left neither an advanced directive, or a Power of Attorney. My brothers and I didn't even know what was in her will at the time. There is now nothing but rancor between all of us, especially since the brother who is her executor is playing hardball in getting her estate closed as quickly as possible. Most of that problem is his wife, who, to me and my other brothers, come off "holier than thou"

 

The brother I'm living with here at the house is ex-military. He spent time in Saudi Arabia during Desert Storm. His attitude is "My way or the highway." Ironic thing is, he never lived on his own. I have for 8 years, and had problems, which is why I moved back with mom, for the most part.