Kristine: not alone

[Rabe]

Thought of you a lot today Kristine.....hoping and praying the infection and all that goes with it is abating. 💜

[Rosetta]

Hi Kristine, Thinking about you. -R

[Rabe]

Hi Kristine...just continue to think about you and wanted you to know.  Hugs and prayers!💜

[Rosetta]

I'm following Rabe around today, and I'm thinking of you, too.  I hope the kidney infection is gone.  If you have th strength let us know how it's going. Love, Rosetta

[wantrelief]

I've been thinking about you too, my friend.  Much love - WR.

[Kristine]

Dearest SA friends,

Thank you again for all your messages of support and all the PM’s which I have unfortunately not had the ability to respond to. The past months have been horrible. I had a tiny semi window at the end of July (only a few days) but since then I have been practically bedbound and house bound. Severe SI, depressed mood, anxiety, fluctuating mood including frequent bouts of anger/rage, disturbing thoughts, electrical currents running through my brain and body, akathisia, burning skin, nausea, head and ear pressure, auditory hallucinations (new), tinnitus (new), night sweats, severe memory loss, severe cog fog, DR, DP, pain all over my skin like shingles, musclure pain and joint pain, daily headaches and frequent migraines, sun sensitivity, severe sensitivity to all stimuli (can’t even be hugged). That’s not a complete list but all I can manage writing at the moment. 

 

On top of all this the ongoing insomnia (about 18 months now) has taken its toll and after attempting more cuts to the clonazepam (see sig) due to my belief I was either suffering a paradoxical reaction or tolence withdrawal. I decided to crossover to diazepam (loosely based on the Ashton method). On the 22nd of October I went to my GP with my husband and since then have ceased the clonazepam and crossed over to 10mg of diazepam. 5mg at 7am and 5mg at 7pm. For the past two weeks I have finally been sleeping. I chemical sleep, but sleep at least. Many of the other symtoms have settled but since the cross-over day 4-10 where the worst due to waking 4-6 Times every night drenched in sweat, brain zaps, skin on fire, difficulties standing and walking. This has settled. Tomorrow I will return to my GP to get a script for 2mg diazepam so I can begin tapering diazepam. I have done my homework. I know this is a risk. It works for some and not others. I have read the Prof Heather Ashton thread on SA (and much more). Just noting what I am doing. 

 

I will keep fighting.

 

Love and the most gentle of hugs to you all. K xox

 

[Rosetta]

Kristine,

 

I am so glad to hear from you!  I wish you had not struggled so since you last wrote.  I can only imagine how you have felt.  If only I could fix it.  My thoughts turn to you often.  I'm glad that you are still fighting.  

 

I know you won't have the energy to read my thread.  So, FYI, I'm still riding waves, slowly, slowly improving and trying to accept.  

 

Of course, I hope you are able to interact on the site again soon.  Until then,

 

All my love,

Rosetta

[Kristine]

Dearest Rosetta, Thank you my dear friend. I have been reading your thread. I’ve been a silent observer. I have cried after reading some of your posts. However, your ongoing determination and remarkable ability to put your experiences into words has been such an inspiration to me and many others on SA. Love and ((((hugs)))) K 💖 xoxox

[wantrelief]

Oh my Kristine! I can’t believe what you’ve been through. I am so so sorry to read all of this. It sounds like things have settled a bit? At least getting some sleep is good news. You are always in my mind and heart and have been greatly missed.  Much love and lots of hugs to you, my courageous friend.  - WR.

[Kristine]

Oh my dearest friend, thank you for your kind loving message. You are always in my thoughts and heart as well. As you know writing has been so very difficult for me. Hopefully this will improve in time. 

3 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

It sounds like things have settled a bit? At least getting some sleep is good news.

Yes, things have settled a bit. I’m still stuck in bed though. Getting some sleep has at least given me enough mental strength to tackle the next hurdles. Whatever they may be. 

 

You are couragous as well WR and so very kind. Much Love and (((hugs))) K 💖 xoxox

[wantrelief]

I am so glad you are getting some sleep and some things have settled a bit.  I hate that you are going through so much. You are going to get through this, Kristine.  You are so strong, my friend. More hugs for you  - WR. 💖

[Peachy]

2 hours ago, Kristine said:

depressed mood, anxiety, fluctuating mood including frequent bouts of anger/rage, disturbing thoughts, electrical currents running through my brain and body, akathisia, burning skin, nausea, head and ear pressure, auditory hallucinations (new), tinnitus (new), night sweats, severe memory loss, severe cog fog, DR, DP, pain all over my skin like shingles, musclure pain and joint pain, daily headaches and frequent migraines, sun sensitivity, severe sensitivity to all stimuli (can’t even be hugged)

I wanted to reach out and tell you that these are the same symptoms I have been experiencing off and on since i started tapering 2.5 years ago. Not sure how far along you are into this journey, but you are not alone. Makes me believe that it is WD, and not me totally going mad. The worst new symptoms for me are the auditory hallucinations, very disturbing thoughts and urges, very negative thinking, and the worst lately are the bouts of Anger/rage. Do you have this symptoms completely out of context? Like the emotion doesn't match the situation? Does that make sense? That has been the weirdest/scariest thing for me, as it really feels like a mad persons thinking process. Example: I can look at a picture of someone and just feel anger or rage. It's very irrational. I also have the head and ear pressure, which is also new. Please keep in contact!

XX

[Rabe]

Oh, Kristine...I was thinking about you SO much today...and here you are!!!  I am SO sad to read all you have been dealing with, but also grateful to hear your 'voice,' which is still strong and determined, and know that you are slowly improving.  Please rest and take care!  We are all fighting for you and with you!!💜

[FarmGirlWorks]

@Kristine: that video was beautiful and perfect for what you described in your post. That is so very much, so very much. Just wow. I am glad you are getting some sleep now and -- damn -- you wrote a long, coherent post; that is an amazing achievement in itself. I wish I could send you a big bouquet of flowers and a bunch of (environmentally-friendly) balloons. So glad to hear from you, think of you often.

[Kristine]

Hey Peachy, lovely to ‘meet’ you and thank you for reaching out,  however, I am so sorry you have been suffering so terribly.

3 hours ago, Peachy said:

Not sure how far along you are into this journey

I’ve been ripped on and off over 30 psychotropic medications over the past 11 years. However, the past three years have been the most debilitating and it’s only been the past year that I realised that I have actually been suffering from withdrawal and major drug interaction as opposed to “relapse” of my “mental illnesses”.

 

3 hours ago, Peachy said:

Makes me believe that it is WD, and not me totally going mad. 

It’s WD...defiantly...you’re not Mad. 

3 hours ago, Peachy said:

The worst new symptoms for me are the auditory hallucinations, very disturbing thoughts and urges, very negative thinking, and the worst lately are the bouts of Anger/rage. Do you have this symptoms completely out of context? Like the emotion doesn't match the situation? Does that make sense? 

Yes, and it makes perfect sense. I have a loving family and live in a stable environment. The rage and anger is completely irrational. The auditory hallucinations are new for me also. Hasn’t happened often but I find it frighting. It’s like someone is whispering in my ear. 

 

Hopefully you get some peace soon Peachy. Much Love K xo

 

[Kristine]

35 minutes ago, Rabe said:

Oh, Kristine...I was thinking about you SO much today...and here you are!!!  I am SO sad to read all you have been dealing with, but also grateful to hear your 'voice,' which is still strong and determined, and know that you are slowly improving.  Please rest and take care!  We are all fighting for you and with you!!💜

Oh dearest Rabe, you are so beautifully kind 💜 I have been thinking of you as well. Much Love and (((hugs))) K xox💖

[Kristine]

35 minutes ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

that video was beautiful and perfect for what you described in your post. That is so very much, so very much. Just wow. I am glad you are getting some sleep now and -- damn -- you wrote a long, coherent post; that is an amazing achievement in itself. I wish I could send you a big bouquet of flowers and a bunch of (environmentally-friendly) balloons. So glad to hear from you, think of you often.

Oh dearest FGW, Thank you my friend for always thinking of me (I think of you too) and for being so kind. And thank you for the compliment about writing a coherent post. It took a while but I certainly wouldn’t have been able to write it a few weeks ago. The biggest of hugs and love. K 💖 xoxo

[manymoretodays]

Yay......Kristine!

So great to see your post.  Of course I've thought of you, and am, as always......rooting for you/ cheering you on.

So sorry that you are still in a struggle.......yet using your brain, and making what lemonade you can from some extremely sour lemons.

Are you into summer yet there.....or just springtime?

And are you enjoying your new home?  Getting to any of the water therapy with MIL?

 

Are you on Fuoxetine 20mg and then Diazepam 10mg ?  That's what I see in your signature.

And oh.....I hope you can keep on popping in here, with your wisdom and experiences.

Again......so great YOU POSTED.

Welcome, welcome, welcome back.......as much as works for you best.

.......remember......how far you have come.......I took that from your signature

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

[Altostrata]

Hi, Kristine. Thanks for checking in. Good to hear you're finally getting some sleep.

[JanCarol]

Kristine!  I'm so glad to hear from you!

 

I'm glad you felt well enough to post!

 

Get some rest, take care yourself.  Hug that husband and son of yours, and remember to look at the sunrise over the ocean...

 

I've missed you, but you've never been far from my thoughts.  💜

[Marmot]

Hey Kristine, it's so great to be hearing from you again. 🤗 

 

On 11/4/2018 at 1:51 AM, Kristine said:

I’ve been ripped on and off over 30 psychotropic medications over the past 11 years. However, the past three years have been the most debilitating and it’s only been the past year that I realised that I have actually been suffering from withdrawal and major drug interaction...

❤

 

I'm so glad that you found a way to rest recently. This is a hard road, so look after yourself,

Marmot

 

[Kristine]

Dearest MMT, Thank you for your beautiful message and a warm ‘welcome back’ I haven’t been able to write even though I have wanted to...having said that writing is still difficult...my mind and thoughts are such a muddled mess and the cog fog is as thick as molasses. I’ll continue to try to make lemonade out of those sour lemons 🤤

It is spring time here and my new home is beautiful, however, I have been unable to appreciate it due to ongoing anhedonia. I haven’t made it to hydrotherapy with my MIL. The burning skin problem has prevented that and i am so disabled with fatigue the even walking to the bathroom is a challenge. 

On 11/5/2018 at 3:31 AM, manymoretodays said:

Are you on Fuoxetine 20mg and then Diazepam 10mg ?  That's what I see in your signature.

Correct 

On 11/5/2018 at 3:31 AM, manymoretodays said:

remember......how far you have come.......I took that from your signature

This is what I cling to for some kind of comfort! 

 

Much Love MMT. You are always in my thoughts and heart. K 💖 xox

[Kristine]

On 11/5/2018 at 6:24 AM, Altostrata said:

Hi, Kristine. Thanks for checking in. Good to hear you're finally getting some sleep.

Thank you dear Alto, Sleep has been a blessing.  I have seen your message on my benzo thread and I will attempt to answer there when I’m able. Thank you for all you do. Much Love K 💖 xox

[Kristine]

Dearest JanC, thank you for your lovely message. 

16 hours ago, JanCarol said:

I've missed you, but you've never been far from my thoughts.  💜

I’ve missed you too and think of you often. I have yet again become a cocooned entity within the safety of my bedroom walls. But I do venture out to watch the sunrise when most of the world is still sleeping. 

 

Much Love K 💖 xox

[Kristine]

10 hours ago, Marmot said:

Hey Kristine, it's so great to be hearing from you again. 🤗  

Dearest Marmot, thank you for your beautiful message. It’s lovely to be amongst friends who truly understand this horrible process. Much Love K 💖 xox

[Kristine]

Have Posted drug/symptom journal on my Benzo thread. 

[Kristine]

Also just an extra note....when I decided to do the clonazepam - diazepam crossover I tried to make an appointment with my psychiatrist of 11 years.  I spoke to her secretary who past on my message. Her secretary rang back and stated my psychiatrist couldn’t see me and I should see a GP. I know this secretary very well and she was nervous and her voice was cracking. I asked why she wouldn’t see me and she said that this is what Dr .... had told her to say. I know why. The last time I saw her I didn’t hold back my opinions and also I was in the midst of serotonin syndrome (very obvious physical symtoms - for eg muscular jerks and distortion) which she failed to recognise and diagnose. I had since written her many emails explaining my self diagnosis and consequently self treatment of halving the fluoxetine / eliminating the dexamphetamine and the disappearance of the symtoms associated with serotonin syndrome. No reply. Anyway, I’m not phased by this just very disappointed in her. She didn’t even have the courage to speak to me directly.  I thought she had my back. Obviously not. K xo

[wantrelief]

33 minutes ago, Kristine said:

Anyway, I’m not phased by this just very disappointed in her. She didn’t even have the courage to speak to me directly.  I thought she had my back. Obviously not

I can completely understand your disappointment in her. In my opinion, it seems unethical for her to drop you as a patient so abruptly and is poor medical care that she never wrote you back when you were going through serotonin syndrome.  Unbelievable you've known her so long too and she would treat you this way.  Thank goodness you have a GP who is helping you.  

[Kristine]

Thank you @wantrelief for your support as always. Yes, it is unethical. I think for her it’s a matter of out of sight out of mind...hopefully I’ll just disappear. However, I’ve decided after I have stabilised and regained some of my cognitive function I’m going to being writing my biography about my experiences with pshychiatry, multiple Psychiatric hospitalisation’s, psychiatric drugs, polypharmacy multiply ECT’s, Psychiatric labels (in particular treatment resistant depression). In the hope that it will be published and help others. This has come about from my husband often saying “you have to write a book about this”. I think this is helping me put one foot in front of the other at the moment. Much Love to you my friend. K xo 💖

[Marmot]

40 minutes ago, Kristine said:

She didn’t even have the courage to speak to me directly.  I thought she had my back. Obviously not. K xo

 

For you this is your life, for her this is just part of her job. What I know for sure though is that family and friends actually do care. 

[wantrelief]

I think that is a wonderful idea to write a book......you could help so many people that way!  It turns your horrific experience into something positive which is beautiful.  You are an amazing person, my friend! Much love back - WR.

[Marmot]

Ya, it would be great if you wrote about your journey. Make these issues known.

[Rosetta]

((Kristine)). In my opinion, that psychiatrist should be too embarrassed to speak to you.  Consider it a sign of her mortification.  I know it hurts you, but remember that it's not a reflection of you or your worth; it's a reflection of her self-worth when she is reminded of how she failed you.  Sadly, very few people have courage in the face of that sort of thing.  She has a secretary to hide behind.  Well, fine, but it doesn't change the fact that she harmed you, and I'm quite sure she's very sorry for that.  Sometimes, we have to accept actions instead of words.  As much as we would prefer the "dignity" that having her speak with you would provide from your point of view, you are still getting the message that she feels embarrassed.  Your dignity is intact.  Maybe hers isn't.

[Carmie]

20 hours ago, Kristine said:

Thank you @wantrelief for your support as always. Yes, it is unethical. I think for her it’s a matter of out of sight out of mind...hopefully I’ll just disappear. However, I’ve decided after I have stabilised and regained some of my cognitive function I’m going to being writing my biography about my experiences with pshychiatry, multiple Psychiatric hospitalisation’s, psychiatric drugs, polypharmacy multiply ECT’s, Psychiatric labels (in particular treatment resistant depression). In the hope that it will be published and help others. This has come about from my husband often saying “you have to write a book about this”. I think this is helping me put one foot in front of the other at the moment. Much Love to you my friend. K xo 💖

 

Hi Kristine, 

 

Nice to have you back. I’m sorry you’ve been going through such a hard time. Yes, definitely write the book, I would read it. I think writing the book would be very therapeutic for you and would benefit others too. I find journaling beneficial. I wouldn’t be able to write a biography though as I really don’t remember a lot of the things I went through, the different medications I was given etc. 

 

I too was in a psych ward a number of time n given ECT when there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. It was the medication that was causing all my symptoms, though I didn’t know that at the time. I thought there was something terribly wrong with me.  Doctors n pharmaceutical companies certainly have a lot to answer for.

 

Did you ever try using your weighted blanket again or did you continue to find it claustrophobic for yourself?

 

I’m sorry to hear how your psychiatrist treated you but it’s nothing new. They are pretty hopeless n can’t deal with the fact they might be responsible for the torture we go through. Just bury your head in the sand n all will be well is their motto I guess.

 

Sending hugs🤗

 

 

[Kristine]

20 hours ago, Marmot said:

For you this is your life, for her this is just part of her job. What I know for sure though is that family and friends actually do care. 

Thank you Marmot, you’re right! K xox

20 hours ago, wantrelief said:

I think that is a wonderful idea to write a book......you could help so many people that way!  It turns your horrific experience into something positive which is beautiful.  You are an amazing person, my friend! Much love back - WR.

Thank you WR...something positive must come out of this experience 💖 K xo

9 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Kristine)). In my opinion, that psychiatrist should be too embarrassed to speak to you.  Consider it a sign of her mortification.  I know it hurts you, but remember that it's not a reflection of you or your worth; it's a reflection of her self-worth when she is reminded of how she failed you.  Sadly, very few people have courage in the face of that sort of thing.  She has a secretary to hide behind.  Well, fine, but it doesn't change the fact that she harmed you, and I'm quite sure she's very sorry for that.  Sometimes, we have to accept actions instead of words.  As much as we would prefer the "dignity" that having her speak with you would provide from your point of view, you are still getting the message that she feels embarrassed.  Your dignity is intact.  Maybe hers isn't.

Thank you Rosetta, thank you for this. I see you must have written this in the wee hours of the morning, your time, I’m sorry your weren’t sleeping. I’m sure she’s embarrassed. I think another issue is I have moved from being a “compliant” patient to a “difficult” patient. I was hoping to be able to work with her regarding education of AD withdrawal and psychiatric polydrugging (thought she was willing to learn and pass this info onto her colleagues)...oh well. I don’t need to see a psychiatrist anyway. 💖 K xo 

 

29 minutes ago, Carmie said:

Nice to have you back. 

Thank you Carmie, I am so sorry to read you were also given ECT. It is such a barbaric “treatment”. Makes me feel very sad that this is still happening to so many people. I haven’t tried the weighted blanket again, perhaps later when my skin eventually stops burning. K 💖 xo

[JanCarol]

Hey K - 

 

On 11/9/2018 at 9:13 AM, Kristine said:

 I thought she had my back. Obviously not.

 

What they say to your face, and the sympathetic looks they make - are all strategies designed to get you to open up and share your darkest secrets with them, so that they can then pigeonhole you into a diagnosis and drug you appropriately.  Even the "good ones."  

There are a number of people here (and on Mad In America) who have requested their psychiatric records and were shocked to see what the doctor had said in the file, and how it differed from how they presented in session.

 

I wish I had a great doc in Tassie to recommend for you, but as you know, they are all pretty much in cahoots.  You are probably now a "non-compliant" patient...

 

Thing is - a GP will not be able to sustain a diazepam prescription for very long...they are very skittish about that.  My thoughts go out to you as you seek support for your journey.  You will need it - you need a prescriber.

Look what I just found on the Bio-Balance website:  

Dr. Sally Chapman

Intergrated Functional & General Practitioner.
272 Clarence Street
HOWRAH TASMANIA 7018 AUSTRALIA 
Phone: 03 61355805
Fax: 03 61355806
Website:http://www.healthchange.com.au
Email: wellbeing@healthchange.com.au

 

She may not be the answer - or maybe she can help.  I've found that these Bio Balance (called "orthomolecular" in the USA) often have their pet theories - maybe they are big on "detox protocols," or "environmental medicine" or "mould protocols" - the one I go to now is all about the gut biome, but she's also a keen researcher into methylation and other issues.  She still uses diagnostic words like "bipolar" and "anxiety" quite freely, but I keep correcting her and holding my ground that it was not bipolar, but methylation & thyroid, and severe medication errors....Her tests are expensive, but she can prescribe, and it's worth looking into.  Just hold your ground if she starts going off into "pet theories" that you believe might not serve you.

 

It's so good to hear your voice again!  (and yes, you must write a book!)